06x19 - Flatfoot the Pirate

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
why is murr feeling blue?

You're lucky I don't punch
your lights out, freak.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

Narrator: What's got sal
shaking things up?

And which punished joker

will have the wind
knocked out of his sails

in tonight's big punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Joe: Today, we're at Spencer's
at the willowbrook mall

playing one of
our favorite games,

"did I deserve that?"

While greeting customers,

the guys are going to send in
an angry "person from our lives"

to throw water in our faces.

What did we do wrong?

Once we're soaking wet,

the guys are going to tell us

and then we have to defend it.

If you can't get
the customer to agree

that you didn't deserve it,
you lose.

♪♪

Joe: You don't want to be
that close to that camera.
Really? Is it bad?

It's super-high definition.
Yeah, we can see
every cube and pore.

Oh, here we go, here we go.

How are you doing?
Hi, how are you?

We're giving $15 off
if you answer six questions.

Murr: Okay, send him in!

Have you ever shopped
at Spencer's before?

Yes.

♪♪

How could you do this to me?

Look at her face!
Look at her face!

"Sal, I monkeyed around
with his retirement plan."

I'm... I-I monkeyed around
with his retirement plans.

"I invested
into circuit city."

You know Wh...
You know what it probably...

The thing that really
I pissed them off

is that I did take one chunk

and I invested heavy
in, uh, circuit city.

I don't know why
they're still selling
circuit city stock.

You think I deserve that?
Hmm, I mean...

- Ah!
- Ah!

We got him, we got him!

Enjoy your $15 coupon.

Hi, guys. How are you?

- Good. How are you?
- Here we go.

We have a promotion...

$15 coupon for
anything in the store.

All you got to do
is answer six questions

that are super vague.
- Okay.

- Send him in.
- Here we go, here we go!

Have you purchased
anything from Spencer's?

You're lucky I don't punch
your lights out, freak.

- Ohh!
- That's a slurpee!

Yo, that guy is badass.

Joe: Look at his mouth!

It looks like you're
a blue smurf.

Just say,
"I whispered the illest

in his wife's ear."

I whispered the illest
in his wife's ear.

He clearly took offense to it.

"I always be illing."

I always be illing.

And when I talk,
it's the illest.

"In my defense,
I didn't know that
it was his wife."

In my defense,
I didn't know it was his wife.

"But the problem was,
she told me,

and I continued talking
the illest."

She told me she's his wife,

but then I continued talking
the illest of.

You know, ill, like
"chill, dope,

funky,
fresh kind of stuff."

"Fragmatic."
you know,
it was fragmatic.

"Like the stuff I'm dropping
on you right now."

Like the stuff I'm dropping
on you right now, ladies.

Sal: They are silent!

Can I ask you guys a question?

Did I deserve that?

No.
No?

- Aw.
- No?

Let me tell you,

he didn't look like
a slurpee guy.

Joey, what the happened, man,

to the sculpture I gave you?

It's in my basement in a box.

Why? You got the yard.
It's a pissing angel.

Yeah, I know.

That's...
I don't know what part of that

you don't understand
why it's in my basement.

We're doing a thing here
where we're doing, like,

a two-minute survey.

You get a $15 coup...
Up at front.

Nothing personal information.
Let's do it, right?

Let's send her in.

Is there anything
else bringing you in
here besides shirts?

Joe, who's that?

You are a subversive creep!

♪♪

b*tches be crazy as hell.

"She has a weird sculpture
in her bathroom

that I thought
was some kind of fancy toilet."

She got some sort
of fancy sculpture
in her bathroom

that I thought was a toilet.

Of what?

It's a little kid pissing.

So you thought you would
take a deuce on that?

She had this party,
and I went to the bathroom.

There's a little kid peeing...
Like peeing in the fountain.

There's no toilet.

There's no toilet
in the bathroom,

so that... I was like,
that must be the toilet.

It ended up
being a walk-in closet.

"Listen, when I got to deuce,
I'm 'bout it, 'bout it."

When I got to deuce,

I'm 'bout it,
'bout it, all right?

There's a bowl
and there's water running,

I got to do it.

To come in here
to my place of business,

did I deserve that?

Ah, no, yeah, you definitely
don't deserve that.

- No.
- No, absolutely not.

- Oh!
- No.

I got to hit the bathroom.
I hope it's a real bathroom.

I'm 'bout it, 'bout it.

Joe: Here you go, q.

I don't know
if you're buying anything,

but we're just doing
customer questionnaires.

Like the first question is

have you ever shopped
at Spencer's before?
Yes.

Oh, there you go.
Here you go, q.

Sal: Here she comes!

Are you shopping for yourself
or for someone else?

How could you?

Piece of.

She's upset because, uh...

"Doesn't she seem like
the kind of person

who would enjoy
an old-fashioned r*cist joke?"

You would think...

Are you shopping for yourself
or for someone else?

How could you?

Piece of.

She's upset because, uh...

"Doesn't she seem like
the kind of person

who would enjoy
an old-fashioned r*cist joke?"

You would think...

Doesn't she seem like
the type of person

that would enjoy
an old-fashioned r*cist joke?

"She's not."
She's not.

Spell it out.

Yeah.
So, just to clarify,

what happened is I made

a good old-fashioned
r*cist joke,

I thought she would enjoy it.
She did not enjoy it.

Obviously.

Her response to it
is to come in here

and then call me
a piece of trash

and to throw water in my face.

Do you think I deserve that?

No.
No, right?

- Ohh.
- All right.

Thank you so much.
You know?

You want to hear a joke?

Narrator:
Sal got what he deserved,

making him first up
on the loser board.

Today, we are at focus plus,

sitting with
a bunch of strangers

waiting to be called
into a focus group.

But here's the catch...

All four of us
will be in the room

at the same exact time.

The goal is simple...
Make the other guys laugh.

If you laugh, you have
to leave the waiting room,

and whoever gets through
without laughing wins.

It's last man standing!

While we're sitting
in a waiting room.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

17-across, hispanics...

Mexicans.

♪♪

♪♪

Q:
Yeah, it's a waterpik.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, sorry.

Oh, dude.

How's my breath? Good?

Oh, yeah.

♪♪

A shake weight?

I ain't seen one of them
in a long time.

They started selling them again.
They're back.

They actually make a bigger one,
too, so it's...

♪♪

I just do it
when I'm in my waiting rooms.

It's how I get the toned.

♪♪

That's all it takes...
Three minutes a day.

It's good to have
a regimen, though.
Woman: Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

Woman: Oh, my god.

♪♪

It's yogurt.

It's an odd choice
to eat out of your fly.

I'll save it for later.

♪♪

Oh.

That time.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

I'm not staying here anymore.

♪♪

Woman: Okay.

The hell did I lose again?

Do one minute
every three days, yeah,

and that's how I keep
this physique.

♪♪

Q:
Sal brought a human prop?

Woman: That's your kid?

Q:

Murr: It's okay, buddy,
it's okay.

It's okay.

Q: Sal, you're gonna make
yourself laugh, you stupid a*s!

You made yourself laugh,
you moron!

I kamikazed it.

♪♪

Oh, man, that was unbelievable.

I got myself...

I couldn't take it.

The kid started crying.

And now he has to go
the rest of term

with a child on his lap?

His next thing,
he has to do with the kid.

Q: Look at those n*pples.

Sal: Look at Joe's face...
Joe's face.

Is that amusement?
Is it disgust?

Is it bewilderment?
What is that?

- Ohp.
- Oh, no.

Please, god, no.

♪♪

♪♪

Where the are you going?

♪♪

I eat a half an apple
every four days.

Q: Now Murray's going,
Murray's going.

♪♪

Sal: What is going on?
Oh, my god.

Oh, my...
Nice bag.

♪♪

Q: What's this?

♪♪

- Ohh.
- What's up, buddy?

- It's okay.
- Oh, my god.

Sal:
It's... what is going on?

Q: Oh, my god.

Oh, my... his bag.

He's just...

You both didn't know

that you were
bringing children?
No.

Come here, let's say hi.

There you go.

There was a child left

outside of the room in a sack

he pulled it into the room.

Nobody's saying anything.

Out of everything we've done,

this is the time
that no one says anything.

Look at that snapshot.

Your nipple's on him.

Joey, oh.

Wow.

Good luck to you.

You're cute, buddy.
I'll see you later.

Narrator: This was no
laughing matter for murr,

so he's safe
from the loser board.

Today, q and murr
are taking turns

recording strangers'
conversations in the park.

When a person asks them
why they're recording them,

they'll need to give them
an explanation

that's been given to them
by the other guys.

If they don't allow murr or I

to continue recording
their conversation, we lose.

Guys, are we being
recorded right now?

Was that over the top?

♪♪

Sal: Q, I made you
a little listening device.

Joe: It's a homemade
boom pole.
Yeah.

I call that
the conspicuous 5000.

All right, so now I'm just
gonna go listen to people talk.

Yeah, you just got to sneak in.

When they ask you,
we'll give you the reason.

♪♪

Like... she literally...
To her, that was like...

Just keep talking naturally.
Don't worry about it.

"I'm just doing a podcast
on urban dating."

I'm doing a podcast on urban...
Urban dating.

We're not really on a date,
like, in that way.

"I'll use it
for my other podcast."

I'll use this
for my other podcast.

"White chicks
talking."

"White chicks
talking."

So, would you mind if I just
keep recording you?

You can keep recording,
I guess.
Oh! Cool.

Thanks, guys.

My audience is really
gonna love this.

Here we go.

This is so stupid.

♪♪

Joe: Here we go.
Here we go.

♪♪

Oh, you guys
went to natural history.

Very nice, very nice.

Hey. Yeah, no, I'm just
recording your audio.

Q: "I just need to record
some really dull nonsense

for the background of a movie
I'm working on."

Because I rea... I need to record

some really dull nonsense
for a movie I'm editing.

So I just need, like, just
really dull nonsense.

All right.
So you guys just...
just be yourself.

Is it good
if I keep recording you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, great.

I hit the dull nonsense jackpot.

Narrator: Let the record show

that sal is tonight's big loser.

Ahoy, mateys!

We're here
for sal's big punishment.

Today, you're gonna be
the captain of a pirate ship

for a children's party
here at Jersey shore
pirate adventures.

A children's party.

Yeah, a children's party.
Okay.

Oh, if you're not sure
what to say, bud, don't worry...

I'll be right there
in the boat with you.

You got your first mate
right here.

Is it a dull punishment?

- No.
- He's gonna have fun.

You're gonna be invited.

Joe: Here we are.
Ahoy, kiddies!

Q:
Look at the body language.

Murray's so happy to do this,
sal's just moping up.

♪♪

Murr: Ahoy, kiddies!

I'm here to introduce you

to the captain
of this here ship,

flatfoot the pirate!

He's got the flatest feet
on the seven seas, arrr!

It's a medical condition.

We have the treasure here
from our last expedition.

If you want to see,
let me hear you say, "arrr!"

All: Arrr!

We've got a lollipop.

Now, what's the best part
of a lollipop?

- Eat it!
- Licking it!

So, here's what
we're going to do.
Nope. Nope.

Flatfoot the pirate
sees where this is going.

I want all of you to take a lick

from a different spot.

- Me! Me!
- Okay.

Take one lick, one side.

You lick another part.

Murr: There you go!
There's plenty of
spots still open!

Lick that part right there.

- I want another one!
- Hey, hey.

Oh, god, that's...
Yeah!

Now, who gets the last lick
of the lollipop?

All: The captain!
The captain,
that's right!

No, it's actually the,
uh, youngest child.

Oh...
No.

Go ahead, flatfoot!
Oh, god.

You earned it!

Do it, do it!

Lick it!

Ohh!

Good work, buddy.

All: Yeah!

Murr: Yes, very good.

Oh, I know it is,
it's all over you...

But that was the idea.

♪♪

Now, kiddies,
what's the best part

of being a pirate?

Go on the seven seas!

Yes, we sail the seven seas.

And when we sail the seven seas,

we drink and we sing
all day long.

Let's hand out some rum
for the whole crew!

Oh, rummy-rum-rum.
My favorite.

Joe: These kids
all have their drinks,

but don't worry,
the captain has a special drink.

Murr: Now don't drink yet

because our captain's
got to sing us a song.

Here we go!

♪ Raise a mug and admire it ♪

♪ let's toast
to flatfoot the pirate ♪

q: Oh, my god.
Joe: Good. There you go.

♪ I've sailed
across the seven seas ♪

♪ and drank
with maiden and mateys ♪

♪ the finest milk
you have right now ♪

♪ comes directly from the cow ♪

♪ but flatfoot's milk,
it is the best ♪

♪ be... hey

oh...
You had it, flatfoot!

Oh...

♪ because it comes
from a woman's breast ♪

cheers.

Oh, h*, h*, h*, boy.

Raise them up, pirates!

There you go, flatfoot!

♪♪

♪ Flatfoot's milk,
it is the best ♪

♪ because it comes
from a woman's breast ♪

cheers.

Oh, h*, h*, h*, boy.

Raise them up, pirates!

There you go, flatfoot!

Arrr... on three!

One, two, three!

All: Arrr!

Drink.

♪♪

Oh, my god.

Girl: What is it?

Forgive us a moment
while flatfoot throws up.

I think his rum
wasn't pasteurized.

Joe:
Sal, don't worry, buddy.
You're not in this alone.

Murr... cheers, Matey.

What does that mean, "cheers"?

- Waaaah!
- Waaaah!

You're fu...

Joe: We just
checked the scoreboard.

Murray lost, too.

I did not.

Drink up, my mate!

I saved some for you!

Ah, come on.

Murray didn't really lose.
He didn't lose.

We're just messing with him!
We're just messing with him!

This is amazing if he drinks it!

Look at him go.

All right!

- Chug!
- Chug!

Oh, h*, h*, my god.

Oh, that was delicious!

Joe: Hey, murr?
Yeah.

We were just kidding, buddy.

I got to be honest,

after all my years on the ship,

that was a low blow.

Q: We now return you

to your regularly scheduled
punishment of sal.

Murr: All right, now,

you know what
every good crew needs to do

to a captain on a ship.

They need to mount a mutiny.

Who wants
to overthrow the captain

and take over the ship?

Sal: I don't like
the sound of it.

Now what we need are swords.

Everyone take a sword.
Now you need to respect...

There's plenty to go around!

Let's drive this captain
off this boat.

Get him!

- Look out...!
- Walk the plank!

Ow, that hurts.

You're hitting me in the.

Q:
The clean waters of Jersey!

Now, tell us...
Is there anything

you want to say to the crew
before you depart?

First of all...
Yes.

Oh!

No last words!

We did it, crew!
We did it!

Shut up!

Oh, that water
is not clean, buddy.

This is disgusting!

What about parasites?

Welcome to
"impractical insider."

Sal just walked the plank,

but there's a shipload
of bonus footage

that you get to see right now.

Drink up.

Joe: Well, we have
a treasure chest,

and this is gonna be
the treasure.
Okay.

So we can be like,

"now our reward
is this a lolly."

"We brought this arrr-tificially
flavored candy."

Casey: I think this
came out of a conversation

where sal had mentioned

that he would never
drink breast milk.
Yes.

Like... and that's a thing
with "impractical jokers"...

If you say something
you would never do,

it's gonna be
a punishment.
Yeah, I mean, that's...

These guys made a mistake
a long time ago

by just being way too honest.

I always forget about
the stupid hair!

I did,
I totally forgot about it.

Joe: Oh, my god, he's gonna be
a pirate with that!

Turn on the Tsunami!

Murray's hat won't stay on
because of your hair.

My hairrrr.

Expect a lot of that
on the boat.

A lot of pirate puns
coming your way.

Oh, god, come on.

Pirate pun-ishment.

Oh, god. Oh..

Oh, sh**t.

Captain, tell us a story
of the storm!
Okay.

Once upon a time,

there was a pirate ship
named the jolly Roger.

One time,
I was taking the jolly Roger

over to the mall...

a couple of snot-nosed punks

in a newer, faster jolly Roger

who think they own the sea

cut me off.

This is the story of
when the kid clipped his car.

The jolly Roger...
Was a '99 brand-new...

I had made but one payment

before the Fender
of the jolly Roger

was good and scratched up.

It's been 15 years.

He still can't
let this thing go.

Murr: We did it!

I want to get out.

I spit up so much phlegm
into that bucket

after I drank that tit milk.

But do you like tit milk now?

What do you think?
No, it tastes like
soy vanilla.

So, this was not
your punishment.

No. They tricked me.

- Waaaah.
- Waaaah.

In my head, i'm, like...

I'm trying to do the math
from the episode.

I'm, like, did I actually lose?

I felt bad for you,

and I was, like,
you have to do something

to get them back.
Yeah.

Were you actually, like, annoyed

by the little plastic swords?

Oh, first of all...

They were taking
swipes at my calves.

Ow... ow, that hurts!

Those were sharp, heavy plastic.

Those kids
were taking full swipes

all about my ankles.

Oh, man, you're going to have
black-and-blues forever.

Ahh!

I was literally stalling
so that that could happen.
I'm done.

Murr: So here we go.

Are you shopping
for anything specific

or are you just browsing?

Hey.

He... oh, no.

Been waiting four years
to do that.

That's simmy kustanowitz,
our network executive.

"I disagreed with his notes."

I disagreed with his notes.

He didn't like a joke I made.

I liked the joke.

The notes he gave were,
I thought, outrageous,

but, uh... You know,

the guy dressed like a sausage
in a commercial once

and I'm the jerk standing here
with water all over him.

He literally played
a sausage in a commercial.

Now he's giving me
notes on comedy.

I don't deserve that, right?

No.
No.

- No?
- All right.

Joe: But simmy still
got to throw the water,

so it feels like a loss.

Simmy still got it, yeah.