05x23 - Spider Man

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, why is murr
playing hungry, hungry hippo?

Nom, nom.
Nom, nom.

What's got Joe all backed up?

And which losing joker
will be caught in the web

of tonight's itsy,
bitsy punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

As per usual, we hungry.

So we came to the Japanese
buffet restaurant ichiumi.

While scoping out the buffet,

we got to do
what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do
or say anything, you lose.

We hungry!

Joe: Hi, sal, it's Joe.
Hi, Joe.

You ready
to have some fun?
Yeah, I'm ready.

Sal, whatever this guy wants,
you want first.

Yeah, he's got it.

Q:
Sal, do a run and g*n.

He's so confused.

Sal, just peep at him,
like you're about to attack.

Sal, this big guy, just say
very sharply, "I saw that."

Hey.

I saw that.
Saw what?

You took that
and put it in the plate.

I saw it.

I saw you, too.

Gentlemen's agreement...
Let's not tell anyone about it.

Sounds good.
Okay.

Now just yell,
"he took Sushi!"

Q: Sell him out.

Excuse me.
He's taking Sushi.

He's doing it
right in front of us.

I'm not a gentleman.

Sal, pick up a piece of food,
look at it, and go "unworthy."

And then just toss it
over your shoulder.

Unworthy.

Nope.

No.

Yes!

Do you see any particular dish
you like?

Yeah, there's a lot of them
that I like.

Pull a chair up
right to the buffet.

Eat right out of the dish.

Yeah.

Huh?

Joe: Wait, he's like,
"I can't tell him to stop."

It's a buffet,
you can eat whatever you want.

You can have whatever you like,
it's a buffet.

You... it's a buffet,
you can eat anything.

No, no, no.
Come here, pull up a chair.

You want it... I'll get you
a chair. You want... no?

Q: All right, murr, see that guy
in the red shirt over there?

I want you to plop your head
on his table

and get him to feed you
just by going "nom, nom!"

Come on.
Come on!

Like a begging dog.
Yeah.

Here we go.

Nom, nom.

Nom, nom!

Nom, nom! Nom, nom.
Nom, nom.

Nom, nom!

Oh! Unbelievable!
How does it happen?

What did I say?
Only in New York?

Nom, nom.

More?
Nom, nom!

Nom, nom!

I can't believe it!

Oh!

Work it down, bro, work it down.

Fight it through!

Nom, nom.

Want some beer?
Nom, nom!

Sal: He's pouring beer
in his mouth!

Joe: I'm home
at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Joe, you don't need a plate
today.

Okay.

You'll put the food
in your pockets.

Q: Oh, god.

Hit it again.

They're talking about you
right now.

Is there enough Sushi
in those pockets?

Now go sit next to those guys

and start eating it
out of your pocket.

They are zeroing in on you.

Joe, really dig
into your pocket.

He's got two pounds of raw fish
in his pocket.

Here we go, here we go.
Here we go.

Here we go, here we go.

He's looking now.

They're laughing
and trying not to look!

Dude, by the way, this is gross!

Eating raw fish

that rolled around
in the lint of your pocket.

Q: I got him.
I got him.

Joe, drop a piece of Sushi
on the floor in front of him.

Pick it up
and pop it in your mouth.

Joe, don't!
Joe, don't, no!

No!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my!

Oh, my god, it's not
that important. Just say no.

He's going in for seconds.

Oh!
Oh!

Murr: Oh, they're out!
They're out!

You drove them away!

You got it, Joe.

What am I gonna do?
Well done.

You got it, buddy.

All right, ready, bud?

Can I ask you guys
a serious question, though?

Seriously,
how do you eat this stuff?

Do you like fish?
Do you eat seafood?

Yes.
So then you'd like Sushi.

It's the same ingredients.
No, no.

I like hamburger.
I'm not gonna eat a raw cow.

We all know that
just to make him lose,

it would be just eat Sushi,
right?
That's it.

But let's make him do a whole
bunch of other stuff first,

and then at the end,
we'll just do that.

I mean,
and he loses anyway.
Sure.

Fine with me, yeah.
Ready to go, bud.

Start some sexy talk
with the Sushi.

Q: Garlic salmon, oh, my god.

Baby, you know what I'm gonna do
to you, garlic salmon?

Girl, you're gonna
go in my throat.

Ooh, that one's so fine,
you naughty thing.

You naughty thing.
You want in my belly,
you naughty thing?

You're gonna get
right in my belly, baby!

Who's on top?

Spicy tuna,
you want to be on top tonight?

Nah, it's a trick question...
I'm always on top.

This is a tough crowd to crack.

Yeah.

You know what might get
somebody's attention, q?

What?
If you stick your thumb
in their food.

Oh, god.

What did you...
What did you get, man?

That looks good.

Yeah.

That guy went from pissed off to
smiling and back to pissed off.

Grab a plate.
Okay.

Walk right over
to the salmon Sushi.

Grab a piece of Sushi,
put it on the plate.

You know how you've been going
for, like, a couple minutes

out here and we've been
making you do stuff.
Yeah.

The whole time,
we knew you'd fail.

Eat that Sushi.

Narrator: Q couldn't eat it raw,

so joker law makes him first up
on the loser board.

Today we're teaming up at
crest hardware in Brooklyn,

teaching workshops
to participants.

While showing people how to
fix things around the house,

the other guys will tell us
what we have to do and say.

At the end of the workshop,
we'll ask the attendees

if they would take another class
with us.

Whichever team gets the
fewest people to sign up
for another class loses.

All: Nailed it!

On a scale from 1 to 10,

how much do I resemble
a super Mario brother right now?

Look out, turtle!
There's a turtle! Look out!

Bing!

Hi, guys.
How are you?

Hi, welcome.

Joe:
Q assembling it right now.

Welcome, welcome, everybody.

We are carpenters. We work here
at the hardware store.

Q, "I like things like this."
I like things like this.

"People getting
their hands dirty."

People getting their hands
dirty, you know, get in.

Grab a birdhouse,
grab a birdhouse.

For instance, okay...
This is a birdhouse.

Smash it against the wall.

Oh!

We're not here to
build birdhouses!

Okay?

We're not making a love nest
for tweety bird here!

All right.

"But, first, guys"...

But first...

"Safety first."

safety comes first.

Put on the whole safety gear
on the table there.

So we're gonna put on... okay...

So, yeah, put your goggles on.

What is on your head?

I don't know,
it comes with the thing.

That goes on your...
That goes on your feet.

Now, we're just about ready.

Okay, now, guys, show them
how to use duct tape.

Yeah.

Go onto the wall and put
a piece of tape on the wall.

Look at Murray.

He looks like he got caught
in a paper shredder.

What we're gonna show you first
is how to tape something, okay?

So, q, do you want to...

Safety first.
Safety first.

Any questions about that?

We're gonna leave these on?

Q, rip it off, right off.

They're disposable,

so you don't have to take
good care of them, you know?

Q: Here we go.
Well, let's show you some
of the other tools here, okay?

Q, there's a halligan tool
down there.

You see that?
Oh, all right.

This is used by the fdny.

It's used by men.

"I used to be a fireman."

I used to be a fireman.

"I used to be a man."

I used to be a man.

There you go.

That's all I had to say
about it.

I just wanted to show you a tool
that real men use

and that I no longer use.

"That's all the time
we have today."

That is all the time
we have today.
That's it.

Uh...

"Before we take this vote, i'm
just gonna break this glass",

and, Murray,
throw something glass.

If you can raise your hands
if you think you've learned
something useful today.

But before we do, I'm just
gonna shatter this glass.

Anybody learn anything useful
today?

There you go... one!

All right, one.

Both: Oh!

There you go! One.

How are you?

Welcome, everybody.
How are you?

Have a seat.
Thanks for coming, guys.

Yeah, well, I'm Joe.
This is my partner here, sal.

Guys, keep interrupting
each other by saying,

"let me stop you right there,
bud."

There's a whole set of skills

that aren't that hard
to learn...

Let me stop you right there,
because the easy skills
are actually better.

If you have the confidence to do
it, then you're gonna do it...

Let me stop you right there,
because just because
you have the confidence

doesn't mean that you have
the skill and know-how.

So you don't want to be
too confident,

'cause sometimes
that's how accidents h...

Let me stop you right there,
because confidence
is really what's key.

Wait a minute, let me stop you
right there, though, because...

You got to have,
you got to have a...

Let me stop you right there.

Really, it's really
what we're saying,

I think what we're both saying
is you got to have

the confidence and knowledge.

All right, good.
Any of you guys handy?

We'll start with that.

Oh, wow.

We're gonna do some tile work
today.

Guys, here's the challenge.
Tile a wall.

So we're just gonna... we're
just gonna tile this wall.

Right, so this is the wall.

Look, sal doesn't even know
what to use right now.

We don't even have to
say anything.

These two have no idea
what they're doing.

So, basically,
recommended to bond ceramic,

mosaic, quarry tiles, slate.

Look at their faces.

Why don't you ask her for help
since she knows how to tile.

And your name was?

Would you like to come help us?

Why don't you show us
how to tile?

Okay.

So you know it.

Yeah, so there you go.

Did a guy just get up
and walk away?

Where'd this guy go?

You guys lost a guy.

One down.

That's enough
for us to show you.

But thank you very much.

Just come over here,
just wipe your hands off.

Something that comes up
is plumbing, a lot.
That comes up a lot.

There's two different kinds
of plungers.

Sal, I don't care how you do it,

but I want a plunger
on Joe's belly, stat.

On a concave or softer surface,
cave or a softer surface,

this won't work the same.

You want something
rounded.
There's a different technique
to it.

Well...

Do your belly?
That will do it.

It's funny, but it's true.
It's funny, but it's true.

So you have a different surface.

Murr:
There it is. Let's see.

Now, it's different.

But it's gonna work
basically the...

It's gonna work the...
It's gonna work the same way.

Yeah, they get it.

So...

Just take it off.
You want me
to just pull it off?

Take it off.
I'm taking it.

Take it off.

Joe, bend down to get something

and hit your head
against the table.

You could do drilling.

I dropped the thing.

You all right, buddy?

You all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.

Let's just move on.

You both want to show them
how to use a drill.

I prefer to show drilling.
What do you feel like showing?

No, I wanted to
show the drilling.

Only one way to settle this...

Rock, paper, scissors,
my friends.

Okay, well...
all right, so fine...
rock, paper, scissors.

Always land on scissors, guys.

Every time.

Ready?
All right, fine.

Both:
Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t.

Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t.

Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t.

I want to do the drilling.
I want to do the drilling.

Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t.
Let me do the drilling.

Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t.

I... you did the tile.

Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t.
I'm trying to redeem myself!

Rock, paper,
scissors, sh**t.
How about I have
one thing to do?

Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t.

I'm not trying to
do the whole thing.

She tiles better than I do.
Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t.

Do the drill!
Do the drill.

No, you do the drill.
Do the drill.

Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t.

That's the time
we're gonna take today.

We'd just like to ask
if you feel you learned
something of value today,

please raise your hand.

Three.
Three.

Come on.

All right, there you go.
Three.

Narrator: Q and murr
screwed this challenge,

so they'll hammer it out
on the loser board.

Today, we're at the park playing
one of our favorite games,

repeat after me.

Yeah, what that means is
while talking to someone,

the other guy is gonna give us
a weird sound to make.

If you can't get the stranger
to repeat that strange sound

back to you, you lose.

Pbhhhhhhhht.

All right, sal, all right,
here's your sound. Ready, bud?

Yeah.
Goes a little something
like this.

Ga!
Dude, what?

Ga!
Ga!
Ga!

Ga!
Ga!
Ga!

Let me see it.

Ga.

I'm looking for an off-Broadway
play in this area.

Ga!
I think it's called "ga."

Uh...

Have you heard of it?

Well, there's...
That's a Daryl roth theatre,

'cause I just looked it up
on yelp.

I think you... ga!

Have you heard of it?
No.

I like your hair,
by the way.
Thanks, man.

Looks like mine.

Do you have a minute to talk?

You visiting?

Okay.

My best friend went there.

No, I didn't.

Did you?

You didn't go there, either.
So who's he talking about?

Where are you from?
Oh, you're French?

Like, ga!

Ga!

Is that a word?

I don't know.

It means win in america.

Ga.

Ga, yeah.

Yeah, that's the only word
I knew.

Oui and ga.

Murr:
Well done, Mr. Vulcano.

It's kind of fun
to make up the sound.

It's part of the fun.
Yeah.

Pbht!

Perfect.
Pbht.

Pbht.
Yeah.

That's it?
That's my sound?

You're up.
Pbht.

Do you know anyplace
that does eyebrows,

to get my, like,
eyebrows on fleek.

'Cause they make a "v"
if I don't get them done.

You know, I get them threaded
and shapes,

and I want them
to really look on fleek,

but I don't know where to go.

'Cause I want...

Well, I live in the city,
though.

Your word's not "fleek,"
your sound is "pbht."

I went to one place,
and they screwed it up.

And my eyebrows afterwards,
it looked like... Pbht.

You know, like pbht.

Just like, they look terrible.

It looks like she just...

She's sorry.

I really want my eyebrows
to look on fleek.

Well, fleek is important.

Why don't you go towards,
like, St. marks. They'll get...

Toward St. marks. I've heard.
They'll get you on fleek.

It's not a place
that makes you go pbht. Right?
No.

No.
They're the fleek places.

Oh, I thought
she was almost gonna say it.

Okay, because if I go to a place
and they make me look like...

Ah, that's only halfway.

You know, pbht.
You know what I mean?

You know, if I go to a place
and they make me look like...

Pbht.

Oh!
Yeah!

He is on fleek!

Wow!
He is not pbht.

No, he's on fleek.

Also, what does fleek mean?

Narrator: It's a win
for these noise boys,

which makes q
tonight's big loser.

So, q lost.

Q is definitely afraid
of spiders.

Q should have never told us
he's deathly afraid of spiders.

Please sign this waiver,
and I'm not joking,

that indemnifies the people
that brought the spiders.

And, Charles...
Charles is the EMT.

He's here in case things go bad.

So that's a good thing.

Spider pheromones.

No, get the out of here.

That's not true!
That's not true!
Yes, it is.

No, no, no, no, no!
No, no!

Joe: All right.
Q's gonna get comfortable

in this warehouse of terror
that we decided.

It does look like "saw vii."

It does look like that.

How is it possible you look
more miserable than normal?

I much imagine this is
what it looks like when he
lays in his bed at night.

I'm very worried about what
you have up your sleeve
on top of spiders.

Q is afraid of spiders, yes,
but mostly tarantulas.

And what we didn't tell him was
that these are all tarantulas.

We always go big.
Yeah.

Okay.

Here we go.
You guys ready to have some fun?

Yep.
Okay, let's start
with the remote control.

Start off light.
Start with
the remote control spider.

Murr: Oh, look out!
Here it is!

It's a huge tarantula!

Oh, no!
It's a big tarantula!

Get the away from me.

Joe: Kindly, gently.

Oh, well, that one's dead.

Oh, my god.

Oh, oh, what's that over there?

Oh oh

we borrowed every tarantula
in New York state.

Joe: All right, bud. The rules
of the game are simple.

We're gonna put a spider on you,
and then every time you move,

we're gonna put
another spider on you.

Oh, god, guys.

Joe:
And by spider, I mean tarantula.

I quit the show.

I can't take tarantulas.

So my advice to you is...
Don't move.

Yeah, play dead.
Don't move.

Yeah.

So we gave q the word
"pumpernickel."

If things go bad,
he just yells "pumpernickel,"

the whole thing stops.
Yes.

But pumpernickel ain't gonna do

here we go.
No, no, no!
Guys, stop!

Stop, stop, stop!

Pumpernickel, stop.

We haven't started.

Don't come near.
Don't... pumpernickel,
pumpernickel, pumpernickel!

Pumpernickel, stop!

You're a grown man

screaming "pumpernickel"
in a warehouse.

This is real life.

Okay, okay.
Oh, god.

Here we go.

Holy
sal: Oh, my god!

That's the size of a kitten.

That's got to weigh
like half a pound.
Yeah.

Please, stop, please, stop,
please, stop.

Q, I don't want to alarm you,

but you've got a tarantula
on you.

Oh, I feel it crawling on me.

Oh!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Aah!

Oh, I'm gonna k*ll
every one of youse!

You're all dead!

Oh!
Oh, you moved!

We got to add another one.
Add one.

Stop moving!

Oh, you're all dead.

Oh, my god.

Here comes his friend.
Oh!

Oh, my god, oh, my god!

Oh, god, get it off me.

Guys, his lips are moving.
You need to add another one.

Another spider.

That's three.

Oh!
Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

Oh, god.

Oh, you moved your head again,
buddy! What are you doing?

I don't know,
you didn't learn your lesson.

One more!
Keep 'em coming.

Ohh!

Murr: Oh!

You have no idea
what this looks like.

Aah!

Aah, get it off!

All right, let's clear him.

Get it off!

Murr:
This is crazy as

it's sucks.
Oh, my god.

This is crazy.
This sucks.

You did great there, buddy.
That's great.

Guys, you just up.

You guys just up.

Hey, watch your language, buddy.
It's a family-friendly show.

You guys don't understand,
I'm gonna get you for this.

There's vengeance in those eyes.

Season six is coming, and i'm
gonna destroy the three of you.

You cleared four spiders.
You did very well.

And so we'll just have
the grand finale now.

Wait a second.

It's the one last
biggest spider.

Sal, please don't
do anything else.

Oh, buddy, you're almost done.

No.

Guys, I don't like this.

No! No, no.
What is that?

Guys, do not put another spider
on me.

Guys, get...
Guys do not do anything else.

Guys, do not do anything else.

What the is that?

Joe: Lights.

Oh, my god, you guys are

get it away.

Oh, god, no!

We're sorry, buddy.

No, no! Joe!

Joe! Get it off!

Get everything off me!

You're getting humped
by a big spider.

That's what happens to losers.

You get humped
by big stuffed spiders.

We'll see you later.
Lights.

Oh, you're all dead.