05x11 - Whose Phone Is Ringing?

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
why is Joe passing the buck...

what's got sal
serving the vermin...

Rat-a-tat-tat.

Toxic-o's will put
your rats to the mat.

Narrator: And which
losing joker will be hated

and paraded
in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today, we're at OMG jeans,
playing a game that we call...

Together: Wheel of faces.

Faces?

We'll have to pick a random task
out of this officially licensed

"impractical jokers"
nylon bag and then use

the officially licensed
"impractical jokers"

bow and arrow to sh**t
at this spinning wheel,

also officially licensed.

Whose ever face it lands on

must complete
that ridiculous task.

If you can't complete the task,
you lose.

All right,
let's start this game.

Murr, you're up.
- Yep.

Joe: Here we go.
Pick a task.

Murr: So one of us
has to do this...

"put a dollar
in someone's pants."

- In their pants.
- In their pants?

- In their pants.
- Dollar.

Eh, you're tipping them.

- Here we go.
- Let's see who's got to do it.

- Spin that wheel, baby.
- All right.

♪♪

- Oh, oh, oh!
- Who is it? Who is it?

- Me.
- Joe!

Right in the face.

Right in the face!

Anybody got a dollar
I can borrow?

Murr: Here we go.

My man, is there
a Polo store here?

Is it close?

All right, thanks, man.
I appreciate it.

- Thank you for the time.
- Oh, boy.

- No, no.
- No, yeah.

Here.
No, it's for you.

Q: Got to get it.
Got to get it.

I don't work here.
No, no. I'm just shopping.

That's why I'm giving you a tip.
You helped me out.

- Get it in, get it in.
- You took the time.

I got to put it in.

You sure?

- Joe.
- Yeah.

He was so close.
That's a very rare
Joe gatto failure.

He had good defense.

All right, we're ready to go.

He never pays attention.

Murr: All right, ready?
Here we go.

Joe: Pick your poison,
pick your poison.

Let's see what the task is.

"Get someone to admit
they're being naughty."

Murr: All right, here we go.
sh**t it up.

Oh! Oh!

Wow, buddy, wow.

Wait, I'm every one on there!

No way!

Joe: Here we go.

Sal's got to get somebody
to admit they're being naughty.

Excuse me, sir.

Are you being naughty?
- What?

- Were you being naughty?
- No, why?

Oh, I thought
you were being naughty.

- Why?
- I don't know.

I had a feeling.

No, you had a wrong feeling.

Nah.

Psst.

Are you being naughty right now?

Yeah.

Oh, I thought you were.

Admit it... you were.

You were being naughty.

You were looking
at naughty shirts.

Those are naughty jeans.

Oh, but it's naughty for whoever
you're looking for.

Admit it.
We all know it in this store.

You're being naughty.

Ah, right?

Well, you could also say
you were being naughty.

Come on.

Raise your hand
if you're being naughty.

Murr:
Keep going, keep going.

You being naughty?

This is all for naught, sal.

- All right, here we go.
- Here we go.

- There it is.
- What do you got?

"Get spanked."

Yeah!

That's great.

- Wow.
- All right.

- All right, boys.
- Ready?

Here we go.
Three, two, one.

What are the odds of that?!

- One in four.
- One in four.

I guess.

Joe: Here we go.

Someone's hand's destiny is
to spank you.

Here we go.

Sal: There it is.

Putting it out there.

♪♪

How's it going, man?

Come on.

Come on.

You think he's supposed to know
that you have to be spanked

by you looking at him
with your leg on the table,

going, "come on"?

You probably got
to say something.

- How do these look?
- Good.

- Do these jeans look okay?
- Look good.

- Yeah?
- I think so.

How do they feel?

Oh, no.

How do they feel?

Murr: Come on.

That's it, yeah.

Oh, that was...
You got a thigh spank.

- Thigh spanking.
- Yeah, that was the thigh.

Oh, geez.

Holy

what's happening?

What the is going on up there?

Guy's, q's going.

There's no way
he's ever gonna do this.

Is it good?
- Mm, very.

- Aw, fruit?
- Yeah.

Oh, I got an idea.

I wish I could see
what's going on back there.

Aw, it's just so stupid.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

Q, man, you've been
trying hard out there.
Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I don't think I'm gonna
be able to get anybody to do it.

I agree.

- Thumbs-up?
- You know what?

- That's a thumbs-up.
- You win, you win.

Here we go?

"Insult someone's nose
five times."

- Oh.
- Ooh.

- Ironic if it's me.
- Yeah, that's great.

All right, here we go.

- Sal!
- Sal!

I'm going twice now.

- Twice.
- That's two times.

Damn it.

- Aw, man.
- All right, man.

Sal: What's the matter?

Why's everyone
looking at me like that?

That's not fair.

That's not fair.

That's a stupid joke.

That's a stupid joke.

Aw, come on, man.

Have fun insulting
someone's nose.

I tell you right now...

This is not fair.

Because if I lose now,

I'm getting thumbs-down
I shouldn't be getting.

This is a lesson in life
to pay attention.

Ooh.

Guy's got a nose on him, huh?

One.

Wonk.

Murr: Ah, that's two.

What, are you telling lies?

- Three!
- Three!
- Oh.

No, I'm just kidding.

Save some nose for the rest
of us, though, right, buddy?

- Four!
- Ah, that's four.

One more, one more!

He's going away!
He's getting away!

You got a big nose, dude.

Dude.

- Wow.
- I'm the champion.

Narrator: Sal hit
the bull's-eye on this one,

but he missed the target
the first time around,

so he and Joe
are on the loser board.

Today, we're going head-to-head
posing as inventors

conducting a focus group
testing out our new products.

But the crazy inventions have
been created by the other guy,

and he'll secretly be trying
to pull the rug

out from under his teammate
at all times.

At the end, we'll ask
the group how likely they are

to buy these inventions
by show of hands.

If no one raises their hand,

this guy loses
and this guy wins.

I'm gonna be this guy.

You're gonna be that guy.

- You're the loser.
- Wait, which guy am I?

♪♪

It's funny 'cause it looks
like we're a team,

but I'm really gonna
crush you right now.

Sal: Murray has never
seen these products.

Right. Joe made the products
for Murray.

Murray's got to try
and sell them.

But Joe is going to try to
enthusiastically undercut him.

- Here we go.
- Hello, hi.

How are you?
- How's it going?

Hi, I'm James Murray.
Nice to meet you.

- Have a seat.
- Have a seat.

Thank you for joining us.

So, I'm an inventor, and Joe
works for my team, as well.

Joe, so what is the product?

The... oh, it's outside.

Okay.

Let me grab it
for you real quick.

Okay.

This one's a hoot.

I'll let you guys take it in.

That right there's a USB tire.

- It's a USB tire.
- It's a USB tire.

We take the technology of USB,
we take your tire... USB tire.

Take it away, James.

Q: All right, you got to come
up with a way to sell
this thing, murr.

So, what we've done is
we've developed this USB tire.

This is a retractable USB stick,

and at a moment's notice,
it can eject.

You could access all your files

and important documents
right there in your tire.

Right, I know
what you're thinking, too.

There are so many
wireless technologies that you

wouldn't even have to connect
your computer to a tire.

Why would we go with a USB?

Why?

Why USB?
Why not use Bluetooth?

Why not use wireless?
Why not just use the stick?

Why attach it to a tire?

Because when you're driving,
what's with you at all times?

Your tire.

Let's say you get a flat tire,
and it becomes unusable...

The tire itself...
What happens to the USB?

No problem.
You have to throw
the whole thing out.

You have to throw
the whole thing out.

Tell them about the warranty.

The warranty.

- We have... we have...
- 20 miles.

A 20-mile warranty, okay?

So, for the first 20 miles

after we install the USB stick,
we cover that.

This is a working USB
with a laptop,

which we could show
you guys right now.

Oh, we're gonna... it works?
Yeah, we'll show them
right now.

- Why not?
- Wow, Joe went all out for this.

Here. Why don't you plug
in there, James?

Go ahead. Stand up.
Show them.

So I will show you.

He's plugging
it into the computer.

So let's take a look.

Look at that palm tree.

Three hours...
I could be browsing

my photos from vacation.

Cars whizzing by,

I'm on the side
of the highway at night.

It's raining,
and I am conveniently looking

at photos from vacation.
- It's perfect sense.

Also, the tire rolls.

If you needed to take it
on the go, it's a wheel, folks.

Well, you talk about it.
Let's see it.

There's nothing like seeing it

instead of talking
about it, right?

- You want me to...
- Yeah.

All right, let's roll this.

Senses any kind of motion.

It will retract automatically,
as I'll show you.

Ready?
Watch.

My vacation photos are gone.

I don't.
I saved it on the tire.

By a show of hands,
is this a product that
you guys would purchase?

So that's a no.
So, no one.

Q: That's a win for Joe.

Pleasure to see ya.
How you doing?

So q has a product
that sal has never seen.

Murr: And q's got to sound like
he's supporting this product.

But he's not.
But in actuality, he's
undercutting sal the whole time.

He's just trying to trip him up.

We focus-group products
that we create to Gauge

interest to see if they're worth
bringing to market.

Joe: And here we go.

Q?

It's toxic-o's, the market's
newest, hottest rat poison.

What in the world
loves brightly colored boxes,

circular-shaped,
candy-looking food,

characters, and stuff like that?

You know, what will look at this

and put it in its mouth and die?

Rats.

Tell them about it, sal.

Let me take you through this.

Someone comes to my house.
- Take us through it.

I have a rat problem.
Someone comes to my house.

They see this, and they might
be like, "what is this?"

And if I don't want to admit
that there are rats in my home,

I'd say,
"oh, just a fun cereal."

It's interesting
that you say that,

'cause a kid did
accidentally eat this once.

What happened?

Uh...

Joe: Oh, q has got
a home run right here.

What turns out is
that the poison that affects

the rats won't affect
the children as... as much.

It would take almost five boxes

of toxic-o's
to hurt a child in any way.

And to lower the price, we're
also offering a bulk version

that's approximately five boxes
for one low price.

So it's all in the house.

So it's also economical.

But now that I'm saying it loud,
that's probably not

the best idea, because five b...

Tell them about the toy
that you want to put in it...

You know,
the collector's edition.

We're gonna put a little rat
jingly toy in here

so when you put the rat poison
out and you put the jingly toy,

the rat will go right up
to the jingly toy

and try to play with it.

Speaking of jingles, we came up
with a great jingle

that show's it's just for rats.

Sal, why don't you show them?

Hit it, sal.

Rat-a-tat-tat.
Rat-a-tat-tat.

Toxic-o's will put
your rats to the mat.

Ah.

Well done. Well done.

Take that vote, boys.
Let's see how he did.

So, just by show of hands...

If you would purchase this,
please raise your hand?

Q has won the game.

- There you go, q.
- Nicely done.

We probably shouldn't have
nutrition facts on it.

And you're done.

Narrator: Murr and sal
were toxic in this challenge,

making sal tonight's big loser.

- Hey, sal's our loser.
- Of course.

For your punishment, my friend,

we brought you
to this author's workshop.

This is a very serious event
where people read excerpts

from their latest
literary masterpiece.

And who's my favorite author?

Who's my favorite author?

- Hunter s. Thompson?
- You are.

- Oh, me, me.
- You are.

So when it's your turn, all you
got to do is get up and read.

The book better not be blank.

Q: If you want to quickly thumb
through the book

without seeing what's
written in it to make sure

there are words,
go right ahead.
Yes, yes, yes.

Just to prove that it's not
blank again like it was
last time.

- See, it's a real book.
- Real book, okay?

- Wow.
- He's very supportive.

Hello.

Crowd: Hello.

Whoo!

This is a storytelling
and reading series,

and I'm going to start
things off tonight.

This is "a bird in the hand."

"Some people are lucky in love.

Others get carsick
on their first date and vomit

on their date's crotch
on the way to the prom."

Mine, mine! ♪

Whose phone is ringing? ♪

Mine, min ♪

q: Is that your phone?

Whose phone is ringing? ♪

Mine, min ♪

take it.

Woman:" "This is a civilized
world, after all."

Hey.

- This is your punishment.
- This is your punishment.

Yeah.

Guess who's not worried

guess who's not worried

about reading
their short story tonight?

Do you remember when I borrowed
your phone before?
Yeah.

'Cause he "didn't have service"?

You up.
You trusted me.

Murr: You got to keep
that ringer on, buddy.

"My fine feather friend
would then

spend the evening
tightly tucked away."

Here it is.

Woman: "When I would rescue him,
package him up,

send him through
the campus post office..."

Whose phone is ringing? ♪
Mine, min ♪

"until my love came for his
coupons to bed bath & beyond.

Sorry.
I'm sorry.

Whose phone is ringing? ♪

Mine, min ♪

my phone-phone-phone ♪

look how mad he is.

I will say, though, buddy,
your hair looks very good.

You.

Thank you all.

Let's get another
author up there.

Oh, q.

I wrote
a memoir about growing up

as a redheaded,
freckle-faced puerto rican

in an Italian-Irish
neighborhood in the Bronx.

Mine, min ♪

whose phone is ringing? ♪

Mine, min ♪

q:
What is she doing?

My phone-phone-phone-phon ♪

sure.
Thank you. Thank you.

The problem was solved,
everybody.

Somebody swooped in,
a good samaritan...
Yes.

And has prevented
the phone from going off.

So, sal, go ahead and undo
what she did to your phone.

And let's continue.

Jesus.

Exhausted, in pain
for the third and final time.

Whose phone is ringing? ♪

Mine, min ♪

whose phone is ringing? ♪

Mine, min ♪

whose phone is ringing? ♪

Mine, mine ♪

my phone-phone-phone-phon ♪

it's okay.
The next line was "long pause."

Ooh, I feel bad back here.

We're two stores away
in a basement, and I feel bad.

Q: He looks like
he's about to cry.

I'm worried about him.
Is he okay?

I'm not worried.
You should call him
to find out.

Whose phone is ringing ♪

mine, min ♪

I... I... you know what?

It's annoying me
as much as you guys.

I promise you.

I know, but I don't know
what to say.

I want to be part of this.

I'm trying. I tried.
It keeps on coming on.

I must've been...
I must've been... I'm trying.

Whose phone is ringing ♪

mine, min ♪ it's mine.

I'm sorry
I'm ruining your night.

I'm an a*s I'm not trying
to do it on purpose.

That is brutal.

Q: Oh, it's not over yet,
buddy.

Murr: You have to read
your story next.

I'm sure you've got
a roomful of people

dying to respect you
and your story, yes.

Put your phone on the desk,
and, hey, buddy,

you're just not allowed
to touch the phone.

Well, thank you for having me.

My name's sal vulcano.

I'd like to read an excerpt from
my book, "silence is golden."

"She emerged from her room

with a new sense of self,
a reason to be.

It wasn't long before the curls
from her hair fell, however."

Whose phone is ringing? ♪
mine, mine ♪
"time would soon come..."
oh, my god.

Whose phone is ringing? ♪

Mine, min ♪

this is the worst day
of my life.

My phone-phone-phone-phone ♪
"time would soon come
that she'd have to speak

to Charles again,
and this time..."

Whose phone is ringing? ♪
mine, mine ♪
they're dancing.

Together:
♪ whose phone is ringing?

♪ Mine, mine, mine

"it was a June baby
that they were hoping for,

but the time he had come
and gone

and her belly was still empty."

- She just took your phone.
- She took it.

My phone-phone-phone-phon ♪

thank you.

I have a phone call to make.

Thank you.