04x25 - "The Taunted House"

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, is murr

about to get burned?

Why is sal selling out?

I made a local-access

titty-cheese commercial.

What?

Narrator: And which losing

joker will be running scared in

tonight's punishment?

Aah!

Prepare for something

amazing.

Hey, mustache, what's up?

I want my mommy!

I will never forgive you!

Larry!

New York is famous for its

pizza!

And guess what.

We're gonna make it infamous!

We're here at Rosa's pizza

and gonna be helping customers

out get some slices.

You got to do and say whatever

you're told.

And if you refuse anything,

you lose.

Oh!

♪♪

How are you today?

I'm good.

What did you order?

What did you order?

I already ordered pizza.

Q, when her food arrives,

sneak a bite out of her slice.

Cool. All right.

♪♪

What's that?

Right here.

What's that?

Look at her face.

Oh, no, no, no.

I just wanted to make sure it

wasn't too hot.

You want an untested slice?

She wants it to go.

She wants an untested slice.

You want me to help you?

Oh.

You want me to help with that?

That's all right.

If the pizza's too hot, I'll

blow right in your mouth, right

in your mouth.

She ran out.

You want some coffee?

Look at the two of these

together.

Look at them together.

"So, how long you guys been

dating?"

How long you guys been dating?

Couple of months?

I like what I see with you two

crazy kids.

How's that? Light enough?

"So, you like your coffee

light, but you like your men

black?"

So, you like... you like...

It's funny.

You like your coffee light and

your men dark.

Yes.

Yes.

She said yes.

You're lucky I'm a good

new yorker, bro.

If someone else would say that

to me, I would...

There's no reason to hurt

anybody.

Let's just... let's just all

stay calm.

Ma'am, your boyfriend's getting

a little out of control.

$1.25.

Sal, everything this guy

says, mimic his voice like a

baby.

What's up, sir?

How you doing?

You want a

sicilian?

Yeah, that's what you want?

To go, sir?

Yeah.

It's buy one,

get one, right?

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, this is one of those

bills that have been going

around, sal.

Just grab a sharpie and just

start coloring the Bill in to

see if it's real.

Just check

if this is real.

Sometimes we get some fake $10s,

so I just got to check it with

the color.

I just got to check.

Isn't that checked enough?

No, this is a special pen.

If it's fake, you see, like, a

tiny dot in the top right.

"Oh, wait.

I know what happened?

This is a sharpie."

Oh, this is a...

This is a... this is a sharpie.

I used the wrong pen.

Did you just start working

here?

Yeah.

Oh, oh, okay.

"Miss..."

Miss...

"i don't like you."

You got him.

I, uh...

Whoa.

I...

Oh!

Don't...

Ah!

Like you.

'Cause I love you. That's all.

Check this guy out.

He's gonna think this guy's a

woman.

♪♪

Say to the lady in the

Yankees hat, "I'll be right with

you, miss."

I'll be right with you, miss.

You fell for it!

Oh!

Oh!

You idiot!

Joe's hair looks like he

shoots himself in the face with

a paintball g*n full of hair

gel every morning.

The only person I'll take

hair guff from is sal.

You have too much, and you don't

do anything with it.

Murray's got nothing.

He can't even join this

conversation.

What do you need?

A bag.

Joe, snap in his face to get

his attention.

Oh, you want two of them?

Yeah, yeah.

Keep snapping in his face.

You need two separate bags or

one?

One bag.

One bag.

It's so aggressive.

It's such a d*ck move.

Did you... you got three

slices the whole way?

Two?

I had two.

You had two, and then you

have two to go home.

I had breakfast, and then I

had two.

Yeah, yeah.

What did you have for

breakfast?

That's two. $4.70.

Joe, be mad at yourself.

You're the stupidest pizza

worker there ever was.

You mess everything up.

♪♪

Son of a...

I'm so stupid.

God, I'm so dumb.

It sounds like a truck's

backing up.

He's hitting the same key.

They're standing

there!

I'm such a piece of

so stupid mouth.

Did she just leave?

She just left.

She left.

She left without her change.

Oh, there it is.

I just had to hit the "open"

button.

I was hitting the "don't open"

button.

Hi, hon. How are you?

Oh, all right.

Everything you hand to them,

pull it back.

Two sprites.

And you got... you got six

slices, right?

Yes.

We have four pepperoni and...

the kid went to grab it.

And you just... you got...

You got the, uh... here you go,

bud.

The kid's looking at Murray,

giving him the same look that we

give Murray.

Okay.

All right.

So, that's $4, $8.

And you got two sodas. $10.

Do it with the change.

Did you want it hot or just

warm, hon?

I want it warm.

Just warm.

Okay. Got it. Yeah.

Murr, that kid just took his

soda.

Take it out of his hand.

Take it out of his hand.

Take it out of his hand.

Yeah, let me...

Keep it going, murr.

Here you go.

What's that?

We have two sodas, yeah.

One for them and one for me.

Turn to them and be like,

"you want to take this?"

Do you guys want to take

this?

Yeah.

Just one slice you got?

Yes.

And do you want a drink or

anything?

"Do you want me to wipe that

thing off your neck?"

♪♪

Do you want me to wipe that

thing off your neck?

Oh!

Oh, really? What does it say?

Barry!

Barry!

Who's Barry?

Oh.

Barry. That's your...?

Ex-husband.

Your name's Gary.

Why don't you see if she would

go out with you and change it to

a "g"?

My name's Gary.

What we can do is... what we can

do is we can just change that to

a "g" if you'll go out with me

on Saturday.

All right.

Okay. What was your name, hon?

Anissa.

Sorry. My hands are wet.

Gary. Nice to meet you.

Uh, he's... she just...

Murray, what the hell just

happened?

You're welcome, buddy.

What is going on?!

I'm gonna take girl... did

you see what I just had with

that girl?

Very good.

How about that, man?

Right out of the movies, bro.

Are you Barry?

How are you, bud?

How can I help you out?

Oh, you did? Oh, great.

Let me get it for you.

Give him the gatto special.

It's the one that's horribly

burnt.

It's been in there since we

started filming today.

Look at his face.

He's already suspect.

There you go.

There you go, sir.

That'll be $2.

"Why? 'Cause it's black?"

No.

No.

Oh!

They got me.

They got me.

Let me get you a new one.

Narrator: Murr couldn't

deliver, so he's first up on the

loser board.

We're on wall street, trying

to get strangers to help us read

a text message sent by the other

guys.

There's only one problema...

The messages are written in

Spanish, which none of us speak.

So we've got to get someone

to translate the message and

help us type a reply.

If you can't get someone to

help you craft a reply, you

lose.

"El loosor."

That's not Spanish.

That's not? You sure?

No. That's Dutch.

Narrator: It's a double down

challenge.

All right, Joe, get this

translated.

See how it works out for you.

Now, here's the... here's the

thing... I don't speak the

Spanish.

You don't speak the 'nish?

Who speaks that 'nish?

You speak the 'nish?

I got a text message in Spanish.

I don't know what it says.

Okay.

Could you translate it for

me?

What?

Yeah. What does it say?

I don't know.

No. You knew.

I see it on your face.

What does it say?

Am I danger?

Guys, what does this say if it

makes somebody react like that?

You got to find out.

Could you help me?

I got a message.

I don't know what it says.

Could you translate?

Oh, that's right.

They fell asleep on the couch.

Okay.

So, before I left for work, I

pick them up, put them in the

coffin, and I shut it.

And I guess they woke up.

Oh.

Maybe they're not comfortable?

Could you write back for me, "do

you need a pillow?"

Okay.

It's a nice coffin.

I don't know what this

is complaining about.

I buried my grandmother in that

coffin.

Only in nueva York, right?

Nicely done, Joe.

I am sending you a message in

Spanish.

Why is this one written in

all caps?

This is an important message.

Oh, could you help me?

I don't know what this says.

That doesn't make any sense

'cause the surgery's on Friday.

Today's Thursday.

Today's Friday, boss.

Today's Friday?!

Yes, sir.

Oh, my god!

Could you write "my bad"?

Okay.

Yeah, thank you.

That guy's like, "oh, she's

dead?

I'll help you out.

I'll write 'my bad' to the

hospital."

Oh, dude.

So, you've gone from "stop

calling me a ferret" to wearing

ferret wardrobe?

I've embraced my inner

ferret.

I had a full conversation to

your shirt, thinking I was

talking to you.

Now look right.

Here we go.

Sense.

Guys, you speak Spanish at

all?

Yeah. I'm Spanish.

Oh, you are?

I got a text message from... I

don't know who it's from and

it's in Spanish and I don't know

what it means.

This is gonna be a

two-parter.

I need you to go to the camera.

Just take it.

Why don't you just take one

off the Internet?

Why do we have to do this?

What about... "what are

you... "oh

wow!

Holy

you know what?

I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna

dignify this with a response.

Thank you, gentlemen.

All right, that one doesn't

count.

We'll give you another shot.

Guys, do you speak Spanish?

I just got a text message in

Spanish, but I don't know what

it means.

Can you help me translate it?

Yes.

Oh, it's my grandfather.

Last weekend, my grandfather and

I... we went hiking.

You know, he's like 82, and I

really wanted to get to the

summit.

Mount Kilimanjaro.

Now it's more like

mount "kiliman-grandpa."

Can you help me write him back

in Spanish?

'Cause he doesn't really speak

English well.

Um, what should I write him

back?

"New phone. Who dis?"

How do I write back, "new

phone number.

Who dis?"

N-u-e...

They're helping k*ll your

grandfather.

Thank you for the help.

♪♪

Excuse me.

Do you guys speak Spanish by any

chance?

Yes.

I'm trying to translate

a text message I got.

Whose maternal milk was it?

A friend of a friend.

But I was, like, crashing at

their house.

Yeah.

And she pumps it and stores

it, pumps it and stores it.

So I started making... I called

it, jokingly, "titty cheese."

Tell him it was just like an

idea.

You wanted to test it, and then

you wanted to tell her.

Can you tell that in Spanish?

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you.

Aw!

She's gonna cover his tracks for

him?

We're gonna type a little

response for you, sal.

What's this say here?

What is that?

That just came in now.

"She saw the commercial."

Which commercial?

I made a local-access

titty-cheese commercial.

What?

I have a text message that I was

trying to get translated.

I thought they ordered a

number two.

Can I just write back, "no, it

wasn't me," in Spanish?

No.

Narrator: Sal wasn't dialed

in, and with a double down loss,

he's tonight's big loser.

Sal is our loser, so we came

to this beautiful, old house.

Haunted house.

Get it over with. Haunted house.

Cornfield wasn't enough.

No, no, no.

In each room of this spooky

house is a lantern like this.

We're gonna lock you in the

house, and you've got to go from

room to room and blow out each

candle.

It couldn't be any simpler.

No. It's super easy.

Just blow out some candles.

It's the middle of summer,

and I have chills, goose bumps

right now.

Ooh!

It's the spirits.

I'm not scared of ghosts.

I'm scared of...

Ah!

Human actors.

Anyone's gonna do that if you do

that to their face.

Ah!

What's up?

Bad example. Bad example.

You just got to blow out the

candles, sal.

All you got to do is blow out

the candle, move on to the next

room.

Oh, you hear that?

What is that?

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

What? What? What? What?

Follow the sound.

Aah!

Ah, yes, classic horror

scenario... creepy little girl.

Look at him working his

surroundings.

Oh, my god, learn another

note.

I'm gonna get the candle.

I'm gonna get out of here.

Then you can have lunch and get

driven home by your mother...

'Cause I know what's...

You little b*tch.

You stupid a*s.

Oh, oh, oh, you're gross.

Aah!

Get out of there!

Get out of there, sal!

Ah! Stop!

Get out of there, sal!

Get out!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

All right! All right!

All right!

Okay, enough of your

time to go upstairs.

All right, now what?

There's like 80 doors.

Just follow the creepy laugh,

buddy.

All right, I'm coming

through.

Ohh!

Me, man.

They're life-sized!

They're life-sized!

There you go.

Was that so hard?

Was that so hard?

Aah! Aah!

Get away! Get away!

Get out of there, sal!

You know what's funny?

This is not the worst of it yet.

I know. This is the warm-up.

Yep.

One more life.

Oh you!

Oh!

One more life, and then it's

night-night forever.

Don't do it again.

I'll tell you something... i'm

scared of cats.

Look at him negotiating with

the creepy old woman living in

an attic.

Blow out the candle for me.

I don't come near you.

You don't risk getting

assaulted.

Night-night forever.

Just cut saying that stupid

now.

Blow it out and get out.

One more life, and it's

night-night forever.

Gee, I wonder what's behind

that door.

I actually need to breathe.

My... my... my adrenaline is

going too fast.

Oh, a pentagram and a dead body.

This is like

"true detective" or something.

The dead body's moving now.

Dead body?

A dead body, you say?

I'm gonna my pants.

I got my own problems.

You help me.

All right, shut up, please.

Help!

Aah!

You know the only thing left,

right?

No.

The basement.

Okay. Okay.

Last room, buddy.

Last room, buddy.

Last candle. You see it?

All you got to do is blow out

the last candle, and this

punishment is over.

But real quick, we got to

play a real quick game we call

"bloody Murray."

Just look in the mirror and say

"bloody Murray" three times.

You think I don't know?

Someone's gonna come out of this

stupid coffin.

You can look in the coffin

right now.

Okay.

Okay? There you go.

Now "bloody Murray" three times.

Bloody Murray, bloody Murray,

bloody Murray.

Ah!

What?! Ah!

What?! Ah!

Get him, Benjamin!

Get him, Benjamin!

Get him, Benjamin! Catch him!

Aah!

Get him, Benjamin!