04x04 - Wrong Playwright

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up...

Ohh!

Narrator: Why is sal dropping

it like it's hot?

He got him!

Narrator: What's got murr

spiking the punch?

And it's gonna be curtains for

one joker in tonight's

punishment.

Oh, my god!

Prepare for something

amazing.

Hey, mustache, what's up?

I want my mommy!

I will never forgive you!

Larry!

Today, we are going

head-to-head in fairway market,

playing a game that we like to

call hide 'n' sneak.

One of us will hide a secret

item in an unsuspecting

shopper's cart.

And the other guy will have

to guess which item it is and

then sneak it out of the

shopper's cart and into his own.

If he gets it wrong, he's got

to secretly replace the item and

try again.

But if they leave the aisle

before you guess the item, you

lose!

Hide 'n' sneak.

That's it, baby.

Let's do.

Hide 'n' sneaks.

Hide 'n' sneak.

Sal, go back in that corner

to the right.

Yeah.

So, Murray has to put the

product in the cart?

So, Murray places an item in

a stranger's cart.

Right.

Sal's got to pick that...

Guess what item that is...

Retrieve it...

Yes.

All right, here's the item.

Flour.

All right, here we go.

My girlfriend asked me to get

cumin.

Okay.

I don't know what the heck

cumin is.

Here we go, here we go, here

we go.

Oh, it's right over here?

It's in, it's in.

And we're off to the races.

Sal, you're up.

No.

Great. I'm gonna use this.

Thank you so much, ma'am.

Good on cumin.

I don't know about the organic

one.

It was over here.

Bread!

I thought it was my cart.

What, do you still think it's

your cart?

Wait. What is... what is this

stuff right here?

I don't know.

Oh!

Bay leaves.

Bay leaves.

Oh!

Yeah! He got him!

He got him!

Holy... my heart is pounding.

I think I just tapped into

something.

Instead of going to the gym and

exercising...

Like you've been doing.

"Instead of..."

come to the supermarket

and try and take stuff out of

people's carts for a half-hour.

It's the same as running on a

treadmill.

I guarantee it's not.

That loaf...

Here he goes.

Here he goes, here he goes.

Excuse me, miss.

Do you know which one is good

for chicken?

You know, 'cause they have all

the different spices that are

there.

There he goes!

And game is on! Game is on!

There's so many spices.

I didn't know which was which.

He grabbed one!

Enh!

This is...

Oh, using a distraction.

What the heck was that?

Something fall over there?

Yeah. Oh, is that... is that

yours?

This woman's spidey sense is

tingling, man.

Wow.

You better make a move, sal.

She's not leaving her cart.

There's nothing I can do.

Anything besides let her walk

away would be an improvement

from what you're doing.

There she goes.

Oh. Oh.

Oh! There she goes!

Come on, sal!

I have her ammonia.

It's 1-1.

It all comes down to this turn,

boys.

Oh, wow!

Whoa, whoa.

We're in! We're in!

This is her cart?

Ma'am, is this your cart?

Oh, okay.

That's mine. That's mine.

I got... I got confused with

carts.

Oh, there you go, sal!

Nope. It's mine.

Sorry about that.

Thank you.

Oh!

It was my water.

Yet another foolproof plan

goes down the drain.

This salami is so good.

That's why I love sh**ting at

fairway.

Just eat delicious cold cuts all

day long.

It's good salami.

Damn.

I know that right now, on

purpose, you're smacking your

lips and chewing wet.

That is how I chew.

Joe, they're already...

Already.

Already at each other's

throats.

He shoved salami in his

mouth, looked at me, and starts

slapping his wet lips, and he,

like, smirked a little, and he

was trying to bait me.

He eats like a nursing baby

if you take the teat away.

"Ba-ba, salami."

I just realized people could see

me.

All right, so, here we go.

Joe's going to be guessing the

item.

Q is gonna be selecting the

item.

Yes.

Excellent choice.

The eagle has landed.

Here comes Joe.

Here comes Joey.

Oh.

Joe's walking with a brisk pace.

Joe is looking.

Oh!

Oh, perfect opportunity.

What'd he grab, what'd he

grab?

All right, let's see if it

is.

Let's see if it is.

Nope.

Oh, the guy's distracted with

his child.

This is good for Joe.

He's distracted by his kid.

The guy's literally walking away

from his cart!

Oh, you couldn't get it easier.

You could not get it easier.

Oh, dude!

Uh, no, no, and no.

No one said you could take

multiple items!

No one said you couldn't.

Yeah, we didn't say you

couldn't.

Oh, he's back, he's back,

he's back!

He's coming back.

Oh, sorry about that.

Oh, this is your cart?

I think I accidentally put this

one in.

I'm sorry.

The wrong one, because that's

just a bad choice.

Because we all know nugget says

you lose.

Oh!

Amazing!

Nice!

There was another honey.

Holy geez.

He had two honeys.

Wow.

All right, so that's one loss

for q right now.

Best two out of three.

Here we go.

Gentlemen, today, Joe gatto will

be going for suppositories.

So Joe could take this win or

loss and shove it up his a*s.

He's putting it underneath,

on the paper towels.

Excellent move.

Guys, it's in.

You're in, Joe.

Q does not want to lose.

Oh, man.

Oh.

It's on the...

it's on the floor.

Joe pulled out the paper towels.

It's on the floor, the

suppositories.

Look!

Oh, my god.

He has to get it back to q's

cart.

This is... this is a

nail-biter.

Please god.

Nope.

That's not it.

He has to hide it from the

guy.

The guy can't see...

Joe, be careful.

Be careful.

The guy knows something's up.

Oh, they're so cute.

How old are they?

He's got it back in!

4 and 2?

So cute.

Oh, man.

Oh, my god.

I think I dropped that

preparation h.

Thanks. I don't think that was

yours.

Oh!

Well played.

Wow.

Nicely done, Joe.

That's a 2-0 win for Joe.

Hey, what're you gonna do?

What're you gonna do?

Narrator: Q and murr couldn't

sneak out a win, so they'll be

hiding on the loser board.

Today, we're at Dallas bbq,

taking sips out of other

people's drinks.

But first, we'll have to draw

abnormally-sized straws.

And whatever straw you pick,

you have to use to steal a sip.

If you can't steal a drink

out of someone else's drink,

you lose.

Q's up.

Ready, q?

Pick a hand.

Ai-yi-yi!

Go get 'em, buddy.

Here he goes.

Q, where's your straw.

I can't see it.

Oh, there it is. Okay.

I mean, the good news is, if

anybody tries to Rob the place,

I can just take him out at the

knees.

Oh.

Hi, ladies. Hello.

Hi.

That looks good.

What'd you order?

Yeah. What's what I'm gonna do,

too.

Yeah, I don't mess around when

it comes to barbecue.

I don't mess around.

Oh! Oh. Okay.

Oh, you don't mess around when

it comes to your time.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

You just got dissed.

Ladies, I don't mess around

when it comes to straws.

But it doesn't just work on big

drinks.

It works on any drinks.

I mean, you showed your hand!

You either got to commit or walk

away with your straw between

your legs.

Ah, it.

Oh, oh, oh.

She blocked him!

She blocked him!

She blocked him!

Thank you, thank you.

Happy birthday.

You got straw-blocked, buddy.

Oh, man.

Okay, murr.

Yo, here we go.

Okay. Give me my straw.

Okay. Pick a hand.

No. Pick another hand.

No.

Whoa!

How'd you do it?!

That's how I do it.

Wait.

It's how I do stuff with

straws.

This is not a straw!

Get out there!

Just go.

All right, buddy, here you

go.

Get your suck on.

He has limited options.

Well, he has limited

distance.

Right.

He's pretty much working with

the length he's been used to his

whole life.

Do you have like a...

Where you would put a check?

You know, what do they call

that?

A folio?

What's he doing?

Thank you so much.

I will.

Oh, go!

He's pretending to be someone

that works here.

You guys, how are you?

I'm the staff manager on duty.

My name is James.

Nice to meet you.

Is everything okay today?

You have any, uh...

He's in jeans and a t-shirt!

He's not fooling anyone.

I want to point out a couple

new things that we have in the

restaurant today.

We've added an entire section...

I'll show you.

We've added an entire section

upstairs right over there...

That... that... that's, um...

No.

Also, if you've noticed...

If you noticed, over there, we

added...

If you just look right over

there, we added a whole nother

back room that's right...

Just...

Are you slipping a roofie or

something?

Did you get any?

Did you get any?

That is delicious.

If you need anything at all, my

name is James.

I don't work here.

Thank you.

Joe.

Like I don't see it.

Here's your straw.

Like I don't see it.

Giddyup, cowboy!

Get up there and rassle up some

drinks.

This goes in your mouth.

And that goes...

Real subtle like.

Go get 'em, bud.

He looks like Woody from

"toy story" during college.

Partner.

Joe, where's the straw?

Incognito.

You've got it in your arm?

He ran it down his arm.

Got it.

No, I'm at the Dallas bbq.

They're already onto you.

No, I'm the big buffalo.

No, I'm on the 42nd street side.

They're already onto you.

She's looking at your hand!

She looked at your hand.

She's totally onto you.

There's a modell's, and then

there's the thing.

That is in! It's in!

Oh, my god!

Suck! Suck hard! Suck hard!

The other girl ran!

It's delicious.

Oh!

Giddyup.

Ready to go?

Sal's up.

Here's your straw, pal.

There you go.

Keep going, pal.

There's your straw, buddy.

It's coming.

There you go, pal.

10 foot of straw.

Oh

Look at the size of the

straw.

You trying to hide it?

There's no hiding it.

All right.

There's no way you're gonna

reach it.

Here we go.

You got no control over that

thing.

Look at how big it is!

Look at these people!

Look at the people!

This guy has no clue.

It's in!

He got it!

He got it in!

This guy doesn't care!

He's just eating his wings!

How is he not stopping?!

He's got it!

I can't...

You got it!

All right, all right.

Narrator: Q really sucked in

this challenge, so he's

tonight's big loser.

All right, we're at the

Lynn redgrave theater for q's

punishment.

Tonight, buddy, you're gonna

be a playwright who is

presenting his work to a theater

of professional actors.

And the audience are gonna be

reading excerpts from your

plays, plays that we've written.

That's right.

I'm a playwright.

Together: More like

play-wrong!

These are actual actors that

came here to red a playwright's

new work.

Mm-hmm.

Here we go.

Uh, my name is Brian.

I'm a playwright here in

New York.

You don't look like a

playwright at all, bud.

We'll be workshopping a couple

of things today, read a few

scenes.

I hear what you think.

I don't know if any of you have

participated in something like

this before.

Uh-oh.

Okay.

I need one male and one female.

Who's in...

Yes.

Yes.

Okay, great.

Q and these actors have no

idea what's in store for them.

So, "my banged up life."

Now, this is a play inspired

by my real life.

This play is inspired by my

true life.

No, q, it really is, buddy.

So, "my banged up life"...

This guy's totally...

He's getting into it.

I hope there's good work for him

to use.

Um, a young Ryan Quinn walks

along the beach with his

girlfriend, Mallory.

Beautiful day, right?

Yeah, right. Whatever.

What are you doing?

I'm texting a hot cop.

In case you didn't know, q's

ex left him for a cop.

Yep.

Hey, I have a question for

you.

Yeah, okay. Whatever.

Ryan picks up a hidden ring

from a pile of trash on the

boardwalk.

Yep.

Q hid a wedding ring under a

pile of trash when he proposed.

I never thought I would meet

someone who loves me, despite my

so many flaws.

I'm heavy-set...

Not heavy-set.

I sweat profusely from my

arm pits.

So much sweat...

I tried everything.

It doesn't stop... nonstop.

It's such bad writing.

I fly into a rage at the

slightest thing.

I have a chemical imbalance of

some kind.

Is there a question... Here?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Will you marry me?

Okay. But two weeks before

the wedding, I'm gonna dump you

and marry a cop.

That's actually what happened

to q.

No, you won't.

Yeah.

I really will.

Yay! We're engaged!

End scene.

Good play you wrote, q.

Okay.

Last thing I want to do

before wrap-up...

And the last thing I want to

do here...

I have some synopsises of

stories I'm thinking about

writing.

I have some synopsises of

some other stories that i'm

thinking about writing.

Q has no idea what any of

these plays are about, and he

has no idea what any of the

dialogue or the actual lines

are.

Uh, first is, uh...

"Tender hearts."

A young hot shot named dill

meets his perfect woman, Linda,

online.

In this scene, dill confronts

Linda for looking much more

Asian in her profile picture

than she is in real life, and he

threatens to... he threatens to

sue her for false advertising.

Anybody, uh...

Nobody likes... nobody likes

that one.

All right, moving on.

Another one is "code red."

In 1982, women are starting to

think they can play with the big

boys.

In this play, a female doctor

has to face discrimination from

the rest of the hospital staff.

In the scene that we have so

far, for instance, she proves

she's a doctor by performing a

breast augmentation...

On herself.

All right, moving on.

Uh...

"Rasta imposter."

I can't even watch this one.

Oh, my god.

Set in de

islands, down by the bay, there

is a rastaman who play-a de

drums...

And make-a de village 'appy.

"'Appy"!

In this scene, we see the man

coming down on the rasta...

And forcing him to give up the

drums he loves.

Oh, my god!

Wow!