03x06 - A Kosher Christmas

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Who's that girl?
What's her name?

Is she cool?
Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?

Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can
Pepper Ann!

-BOY 1: Who?
-GIRL 1: Is that that girl

from gym class?

-MOOSE: No, that's me.
-GIRL 1: Oh.

GIRL 2: Who is she and why does
she have her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann
She's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade
No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

-She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!
-No way! Frosty!

Oh, well.

And then I opened a present,
which turned out to be the backpack

I'd wanted the year before,
but this year I thought was tacky.

And then I opened my next present,
which was a chess set,

and I'm all, "What's chess?"

Thanks for that flippety-flip fly report
on what you did for your holidays, Cissy!

Pepper Ann, step up!

I wasn't done.
I didn't tell you about the ugly puppy.

As many of you know,
my parents celebrate different holidays.

My mother's is Hanukkah,
my father's is Christmas.

And my whole life
I've just celebrated both.

But this year...
Well, it all started with Ms. Stark's

"Celebrating Diversity" Holiday Medley.

I'll probably spend
the rest of the holidays

tricking Moose out of her chocolate coins.
[LAUGHS]

What about you guys?

I'm going to Hawaii to see my dad.

It'll be two glorious weeks of surf,
sun and dolphin-frolicking fun!

That's awesome!

I wish my dad lived in Hawaii.

What about your mom and Dirk,
won't they miss you?

They'll be so busy
with my mom's muffin basket business,

they probably won't have time to miss me.

Here, baskets for every budget!

Hey Nicky, are you sure you don't want me
to get you a muffin basket?

They have lemon poppy seed.

No thank you, Pepper Ann.

As usual, I'm eschewing presents
in order to celebrate the joy of giving.

There are so many in the world
in need of help.

For the cost of a cup of coffee

you can save a family of 12
in a third world country!

-Yeah, and...
-MS. STARK: All right class,

settle down,
we've got a holiday medley to put on!

I hope you've all given serious thought
to what role you want to play.

I want to be Ramadan!

I want to be Kwanzaa!

I want to be Charon the ferryman
of the underworld

who ushers the souls of the dead
across the river Styx!

Abandon all hope ye who enter.

No.

Okay, Frosty then!

I want to be Christmas and Hanukkah!

Excellent, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Frosty,

and Pepper Ann
is Christmas and... Hanukkah?

Oh, I'm sorry, Pepper Ann,
but two holidays

are too much for one person to handle.

Pick one.

Please, Ms. Stark?

They're never onstage at the same time.

I promise I won't blow it!

Oh, all right,
if you promise not to blow it.

I'm gonna blow it.

Someone less fortunate than I
will be able to use these leggings

for many, many years.

Less fortunate is right.

Nicky, stop digging through the trash
and help me memorize lines!

It's not my fault
that you demanded to have two roles.

Why couldn't you just settle for one
like the rest of us?

Why couldn't we just have
a generic winter play

like every other year?

Why did Ms. Stark feel the need
to "celebrate diversity"?

Why did both my parents decide
to come to the play?

And why must all these events
conspire to make my life miserable?

NICKY: Oh, Pepper Ann.

Your parents would probably
have understood

if you'd just chosen one holiday
or the other.

After all, they are adults.

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel

I made it out of clay


And when it's dry and ready

Dreidel, I will play

Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel

I made it out of clay

Swing your partner
Do-si-do

Mom, I'm trying to memorize my lines!

You should take it easy.

At your age you could throw something
outta whack.

Oh, I can't help it,
I just love the holidays.

The decorations, the foods, the family.

Oh, the family!
Peppie, run upstairs and clean your room.

Your grandparents will be here
in eight hours!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Dad!

Happy Hanukkah to you, too.

I mean...

Don't worry, you can wish me
a Happy Hanukkah and a Merry Christmas.

Did your mom tell you
about our Yuletide plans this year?

No, not yet.

-CHARLES: As you know...
-Oh, no.

Mom. Dad.

You're eight hours early. How nice.

What are you gonna do? We were bored.

CHARLES: Well, we're having
Christmas Eve dinner at my mother's house.

We'll have roast beef, we'll sing carols.

-Great...
-Peppie, we have to run to the store.

There is nothing in the fridge
except cat food.

Mom, I'm talking to dad...

Have your mother buy you and Moose
nice dresses.

Your Grandmother Pearson
likes to see little girls in dresses.

All right, buh-bye now!

LYDIA: [SIGHS] I should have known...
I've always...

Oh, where are my keys?
Where are my... Oh, here they are.

Come on, sweetie.

[BELL RINGS]

Will you donate a canned good
for the Hazelnut Soup Kitchen?

Of course, Nicky. We'll grab one inside.

["JINGLE BELLS" INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING]

Mom, can I pick up some cards
while we're here?

Sure, but make it snappy.

I'll meet you at the Kosher Korner
in two minutes.

[GASPS] Whatchama Chocolates?
How did you know that they're my fave...

We think it's wonderful
that you're doing this, Nicky.

Really wonderful.

Please excuse us,
we're in a terrible hurry.

Call me later so we can rehearse.

Oh, yes. They're for the soup kitchen.

Of course.

LEO: Where have you been? I'm hungry!

I already ate all the pâté
from the icebox!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SIGHS]

Heidi-h*, heidi-hey,

I bring a basket of yummies
to brighten your day.

Why are you dressed like an elf?

Dirk threw out his back.

It's a long story involving much tinsel.

But now I'm delivering
my mom's muffin baskets

instead of going to Hawaii to see my dad.

I wish my dad lived in Hawaii.

Whatever. Here you go, Lydia.
Happy Hanukkah.

Oh, they're from Judy Bluthers.

Oh, she's my best customer.

[GASPS]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

But I'm getting ready to make dinner!

What, you want an old man to starve?

Touch the lemon poppy seed and die.

That is such a drag.

I know how much you really wanted
to frolic with the dolphins.

Frolic with dolphins,
go door to door

passing out wicker abominations
in the bitter cold,

hey, what's the difference?
How's the play coming?

I haven't had any time to practice.

I'm going to Nicky's tomorrow night
to run lines. You wanna come?

I wish I could,
but I've got baskets to deliver.

An endless supply of baskets.

If you strung them all together
I bet they'd reach Hawaii.

"Hello candelabra, where are your flames?"

"Why hello, Mr. Snowflake."

Nicky, I can't see a thing.
Where are all your lamps?

I donated them.

The poor need light, too.

Hey, guys. Can I come in?

Milo. I thought you were busy
delivering baskets tonight.

Heidi-h*, heidi-hey.

I quit, P.A. I'm not going back.

I'm dying inside, one basket at a time.

Come now, Milo. You don't mean that.

Think of all the joy
you can deliver with each basket.

And isn't that what the holidays
are all about?

Passing on the joy that we ourselves
are so lucky to have in our own lives?

Oh, Nicky, I meant to tell you,
some ladies from the Hazelnut library

came by to see if we had any books
for their "Books Not Crooks" program,

so I gave them some of yours.
I figured, you know,

you couldn't read them anyway
since you gave away your lamps.

Well, it was for charity, I guess.

Which books did you give them?

Just all those old Jane Austen
and Emily Brontë novels.

Oh, and Milo, your mommy called.
She wants you to go home.

It's okay, really.
It's for charity, right?

Besides, I've read all those "old"
Jane Austen and Emily Brontë novels

a million times...
Has the woman gone mad!

Share the joy, Nicky. Share the joy.

Outta here, Kamalani!

I'd love to stay here
and listen to you guys bicker,

but between Christmas,
Hanukkah, and this play,

I've just got too much to do.

[COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

-[PEPPER ANN GRUNTS]
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Gather round the tree, my children,
and tell tidings of Christmas!

Why hello, Mr. Snowflake, I am a menorah.

MS. STARK:
Up, up, up! You're on in three, two, one!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]

Hello, candelabra, where are your flames?

Why, hello, Mr. Snowflake. I am a menorah.

My candles have not yet been lit.

But why not?

Because the first candle is not lit
until the first night of Hanukkah.

Will you sing me a song about it?

Why, of course, Mr. Snowflake.

On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me

A partridge in a pear tree

On the second day of Christmas
My true love gave to me

-Two turtle...
-It's the wrong song!

The wrong song.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

My life is drama trash.

Peppie, honey, is everything all right?

Oh, I'm fine.
Except that I ruined the play.

Oh, don't you worry about that
for one second.

We're all very proud.

Thanks, Mom.

Now, please excuse me, sweetie,

I've got to go tend
to your grandmother now.

What's wrong with grandma?

Oh, it's nothing.
She just hyperventilated a little is all.

-She'll be fine.
-[GASPS]

LYDIA: How are you doing, Mom?

I'm afraid this is getting out of hand.

I told you Lydia, you should
have made her choose a long time ago.

[GASPS] Choose?

Well, you're right.

Come Christmas Day, she's just going
to have to give us an answer.

It's gotta be one or the other.

Choose?

Face it, the holidays
are driving everyone nuts.

Nicky and Milo
are at each other's throats,

Mom and Dad think you're losing your grip,

Grandma's breathing through a paper bag.

You've gotta do something.

Like what?

You know what.

Choose between Christmas and Hanukkah?

Bingo. It's Christmas versus Hanukkah.

May the best holiday win.

PEPPER ANN: Dad, how would you go
about making a choice

between two things you really loved?

I mean, say you want ice cream,

and you have a choice between rocky road
and butter pecan.

How would you choose?

Well, that would be easy. Butter pecan.

Marshmallows make my throat swell shut.
[LAUGHS]

Okay.

Say it's something else, like say
you had to choose between me and Moose?

Oh, there's no way.

I could never choose between you.
I love you both.

Okay, say you had to choose
between Moose and Steve the Cat.

LYDIA: Peppie, I'm not going to choose
between Moose and Steve.

And I can't imagine a scenario
in which I'd have to.

You guys are no help at all.

Why don't you tell me
what's troubling you, really?

I just need to make a big choice
between two things,

and I don't know how to do it.

Well, sometimes, when I need
to make a tough choice,

I just make a list of the pros
and cons of each thing,

and then I tally them up.

It worked when I needed
to choose between the baked potato chips

and the ones with the fake fat.

A list!

PEPPER ANN ALTER EGO:
Do you really think this is gonna work?

I don't know, but I don't have much time.

You heard them, I'm going to have
to choose by Christmas Day!

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

This one's too small.

This one's too crooked.

This one's too pointy.

Pepper Ann, I can't go another step,

so if you don't mind, just pick one!

This is it. Gimme the ax.

CHARLES: Oh, no, little lady,
I'm the adult, I'll do the chopping.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, my back!

[HUMMING]

I thought you said fat was evil incarnate
to the dieting woman.

Oh, Peppie, we're supposed
to be commemorating

the miracle of the oil.

Remember, how there was only one cruse
of consecrated oil

for the Eternal Light in the temple?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
and it lasted eight days.

It miraculously burned
for the eight days and nights

needed to get more oil.

Which may not seem like much to you,
but in those days

there wasn't a Smiley's grocery store
on every corner.

So, we traditionally fry our foods
in oil at this time of year,

in remembrance.

Once a year's not so bad, is it?

Okay, latkes hot off the stove!

Mom, how do you spell "latkes"?

[GASPS, SCREAMS]

Here are my angels.
[CHUCKLES]

Come along, come along,

the roast is almost out of the oven.

I hope you like blood pudding.

Well, I heard that Freon
isn't ecologically responsible.

It's derived from petroleum distillates!

Hey, hey, hey, Freon
puts food on this table!

MAN: I think Prop 509
is the best thing to happen to this state.

Poppycock! It's the road to anarchy!

When the weather's not so good,
neither is my hip.

It creaks like it wants
to pop out of the socket.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I win it all, gimme some sugar!

LILLY: Careful, Leo. Too much chocolate
and we'll both suffer for it later.

All right, off to bed girls,
so Santa can come.

Dad, it's so early.

Go to bed so Santa can come!

Yeah!

It's from us.

Hey, socks!

A Funstation 1-28
with "Lobster Trap Three"!

Yes!

Well? Who's the winner?
Christmas? Hanukkah?

[SIGHS] They're equal.

How am I supposed to make a choice
when they're equal?

Nicky!

Happy holidays, peace on earth,
deck the halls.

But what if you don't have a hall to deck?

This Christmas day,
we came to the Hazelnut Soup Kitchen

for their annual holiday brunch.

With me now is the founder of
the soup kitchen, Colonel Ozzie Delaney.

Colonel, how do you manage
to spread so much joy during the holidays?

Well Sherrie, we couldn't do
all this without the help

of our wonderful volunteers.

The Christmas decorations are better
than the Hanukkah ones,

but Mom's latkes are way better
than Grammy Pearson's blood pudding.

But for Christmas, I got
a Funstation 1-28,

while for Hanukkah I got socks.

[SIGHS] Socks, what I wouldn't give
for nice new socks.

Nicky, stop dishing out that slop
and help me!

I have to choose today!

Oh, quit your whining.

Eight days of Hanukkah presents,
plus the Christmas morning motherlode.

From where I'm standing,
you've got it made in the shade, sister.

MILO: Delivery for Nicky Little.

Finally! Come to mama
you fat, tasty muffins!

Pardon me, I've gotta take a break.

Delivering so much joy has made me tired.

"A muffin donation
has been made in your name

"to the Hazelnut Children's Hospital.

"Merry Christmas."

"A donation has been made
in your name to the children's hospital."

"A donation has been made in your name
to the old mime's home."

"A donation has been made
in your name to..." Who cares!

[PEOPLE GASPS]

Don't worry, my man.
The factory will open up again.

Here, have a muffin.

PEPPER ANN:
Hey, Milo, I thought you'd left.

I could really use your help
'cause I'm running out of time.

Hey P.A., this here's Earl,
Chester, and Malik.

They lost their jobs
when the marshmallow factory closed down,

and now they're down on their luck.

Hello.

-Yeah, hi.
-Pleased to meet you.

-How's it going?
-What did you want to show me?

Nothing.

We're gonna go play some Crunch Pod later.
You wanna come? My treat!

Thanks, but I've got to go home.
Nice to meet you, guys.

Now, the key to the pod is the smart b*mb.

[WIND HOWLING]

Choose!

Choose. Choose. Choose.

Choose. Choo...

-Well, did you make your choice?
-[SCREAMS]

Who're you?
[SCREAMS]

Today's the day!

You guys are freaking me out!

Come on, it's not so hard.

Just pick Hanukkah!

What my flame-headed friend means is,
choose Christmas!

-Hanukkah!
-Christmas!

Just choose
The one you like best

The one that's funnest

Just choose it, Hanukkah

Don't give in to winter blues

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Christmas is the one to choose

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Latkes and little dreidels
No dry pine needles

He's probably the chupacabra
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Stop it! I can't choose!

The holidays are about bringing
families together, not tearing them apart.

You should know that!

Sorry guys, I'm not going to choose.

Busy later?

Actually, I'm playing golf
with the Easter Bunny. Wanna come?

Oh, well, did you have fun
at the soup kitchen?

Is Dad here?

Yeah, he's putting up
Moose's Christmas present.

Come on, Dad, one more game.

Your old dad's had enough
for one day I'm afraid.

Peppie, wanna sh**t some hoops?

Dad just put up my new backboard.

One second, Moose. I have
an announcement to make everybody.

What is it, Peppie?

Mom, Dad, I just want to say
that I love Hanukkah,

and I love Christmas.
Asking me to choose between them

would be like asking me to choose
between the two of you.

Or asking you to choose
between Moose and Steve.

So, I've made a decision.
I'm not going to choose.

That's great. Good.

All right. Wonderful idea.

Oh, that reminds me.
Mom finally decided

she's going to stick
with Dr. Washington.

Oh, thank goodness.

She had me so worried
that night at Pepper Ann's play.

Who knew she'd get so worked up
over a tiny little mouse

running under her chair?

A mouse?

Well, it turns out
it was a free-rolling soda can.

But Mom's had two primary care
physicians for a long time,

and when she started hyperventilating,
well, we didn't know which one to call.

We decided that this year
she'd finally have to choose between them.

You wanted Grandma to choose?

Is something wrong, Peppie?

Peppie?

Chuck get the bag,
I think she's hyperventilating!

The holidays aren't about the presents,
or the meals, or the decorations.

They're about my family.

And that's the story
of what I did for the holidays.

TV REPORTER: We're here today to do
a story on a very special young person.

Someone who spent their Christmas Day
at the Hazelnut Soup Kitchen,

helping those less fortunate.

We'd just like to say,
you're an example of what's right

with kids today,
Milo Kamalani!

I don't understand,
I was just delivering a basket!

Didn't you give a muffin
to a down-on-his-luck man

-while you were there?
-Well, yeah but...

For your generosity, you've won a trip
to Hawaii for you and your entire family!

I can't believe it!

I'd like to thank my mother,
my stepfather, Dirk,

-all my friends...
-[GROANS]

Actually, Sherrie, there's someone
who deserves this more than I do.

She's a wonderful person
who spent the holidays giving of herself.

You want to give your trip to me?

Did we mention it's non-transferable?

But Milo, I've been awful to you!

And I haven't even been
very generous, either.

When I saw everyone else
getting presents...

I wanted those socks!

But it wasn't until this moment
that I realized

I have the greatest gift of all.

A friend like you.

Nicky, we're not friends. We're family.

Fine, fine. We'll send you both!
After all, you're family!

I'm family, too! Like I said,
holidays are about family.

Right? Right?

[LEISURELY MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]