03x05 - The First Date Club/Unicycle of Life

[bunniefuu]

Who's that girl?
What's her name?

Is she cool?
Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?

Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can
Pepper Ann!

-BOY 1: Who?
-GIRL: Is that that girl from gym class?

-BOY 2: No, that's me.
-GIRL 1: Oh.

GIRL 2: Who is she and why does she have
her own song?

-BOY 1: Did someone take my lunch?
-[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann
She's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade
No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

-She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!
-All right! Mardi Gras beads!

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

PEPPER ANN: Lately, I've been thinking.

Life should be more like sports.

[GRUNTS]

Before the big game, you already know
who's on your side and who's not.

-[CHEERING]
-PEPPER ANN: Well, for the most part.

-You have plenty of time to practice...
-[BLOWS WHISTLE]

...to make plays
and figure out strategies.

And above all,
everyone knows the rules.

-Well, almost everyone.
-[BLOWS WHISTLE]

PEPPER ANN: To me, the seventh grade
has all the tension of the "big game",

only the rules are always changing.

[CHEERING]

PEPPER ANN:
Take for instance, last Saturday.

So, what's everybody up to tonight?

Well, I'm off to the "Casa de Kamalani"
for family night.

All the Contortie
you'd ever wanna play and more!

You guys should come.

Thanks, Milo. Never in a million years,
but thanks.

I'm on my way to meet Stuart
at the Greezy 'n Cheezy.

You're welcome to join us, Pepper Ann.

I don't know.

I don't wanna be the third wheel
or anything.

Nonsense. We're all friends.
It'll be a nice casual friendly dinner.

-Hasta.
-Bye.

[GASPS] Oh, my gosh!

It's eighth-grader Crai...

-Crai...
-Craig Bean. What up?

Same 'ol. Haven't see you around
in a while.

How you been, girleen?

Well, thankfully I survived
the midterms unscathed,

and I'm hoping to send in my application
to the H.J.O. within the next week...

-I've been good.
-Cool. Where you two headin'?

Greezy 'n' Cheezy!

We're gonna go grab a bite.
Wanna come with?

Cool.

Hey, Nic!

Hi, Stuart.

-Pepper Ann.
-Stuart.

-Craig.
-[SIGHS] Craig.

-Stuart, you know Craig?
-[SIGHS] Craig.

-Will you stop that?
-Sure, I know Craig.

We met at one of your swim meets.

I accidentally steered my RC race car
into the pool

and gave the whole swim team a shock.
Remember?

[IMITATES ELECTRIC SHOCK]

'Member?
[IMITATES ELECTRIC SHOCK]

Don't do that.

Why don't you two reminisce

while Pepper Ann and I excuse ourselves
to the restroom?

I just went 10 minutes ago.

Yes, I know.

But the new self-flushing toilets here
are a must see!

So, let's go see!

[YELPS]

Pepper Ann, this is a milestone!

It's like buying your first brassiere!
Only better!

-[TOILET FLUSHES]
-They're only toile...

This is your first date!
And it's with Craig Bean!

Nicky, we're just four friends
hanging out.

You said so yourself.
It's a nice, casual, friendly dinner.


I lied. You would've been the third wheel.

Look, I don't wear a brassiere
and this isn't a date!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Occupied! Tonight is Saturday night
otherwise known as "date night."

And the way Craig's been looking at you...

He seems a bit flushed, don't you think?

Yeah, because they sat us
next to the kitchen.

If our table were any hotter,
we could hatch chicks!

[CLUCKS]

-[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-In a minute!

You know Pepper Ann,
even if you don't see this as a date,

maybe he does.

[GULPS]

He can't think of this as a date.
I've never been on a date.

I'm not ready for a date.
Especially a date with Craig.

Something like that requires months
of emotional preparation.

And a hair appointment.

[SCREAMS] Oh, Fuzzy! My hair!

[THUD]

-[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-All right already!

Now get in there and enjoy your date!

[PANTS, SHRIEKS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CLEARS THROAT]

You're back!

So, Pepper Ann, what up?

Uh...

Um...

nothing?

[SCOFFS] Not very descriptive.

Ooh, I'd give that response a three.

Keep them breadsticks a comin'!

That's cool.

[LAUGHS]

Why are you so stressed?

If you don't want to think of this
as a date then don't!

Just act natural. You can do this!

Uh, Pepper Ann, you're giving
the thumbs up to the Parmesan shaker.

Wow. Everything looks so good.

Wanna split something?

Uh, sure.

I mean, no! I mean, I don't like...

to share... anything. [LAUGHS]

I... I guess
I should have mentioned that earlier.

[GIGGLING]

[GASPS]

No! The check!

Should I offer to pay for Craig?
I did invite him.

But does that make it seem like a date?

If I don't offer, will he think I'm cheap?

What do I do? What do I do?

It's okay, Pepper Ann. I gotcha covered.

-[GASPS]
-Ouch. [GROANS]

So, that's my theory on "Why Life
Should Be More Like Sports."

I mean, if Saturday night
had been a soccer game,

I would have spent the last six weeks
in training.

I would have known the rules.

I would've worn shin guards.

Interesting.
So, what happened after Nicky kicked you?

He paid for me. Then we walked out,
said our "see yas," and that was it.

It so wasn't a date.

Hmm. Sounds to me like a date.

-Hey! What are you doing?
-[SCREAMING]

Okay! I take it back! It wasn't a date!

Pardon my social myopia,
but I don't see what the big deal is.

Exactly. It isn't a big deal.

There's no deal.

-Hey...
-...Pepper Ann. What's the...

-...deal with Craig?

Gwen Mezzrow said she saw you two
on a date at the Greezy 'n Cheezy.

Dinner together on date night?

Sounds to me like Pepper Ann
and Craig Bean are a couple!

[GRUNTS]

[GASPING]

For the last time, we're not a couple.

Just two friends
who ate one meal together.

Hey, Pearson. My band's playin'
at JavaNutt tonight. Wanna come?

-It would be great if you were there.
-Uh, sure.

Cool. Meet you there at seven?

Seven it is.

-[SIGHS]
-All right. Show's over.

Like I said, not a big deal.

[SCREAMS]

Shh.
Get a hold of yourself!

Pepper Ann, don't you get it?

Now's your chance to put
your "Life Should Be Like Sports" theory

to good use!

Go into that game prepared!

I am prepared.
Prepared to keep it totally casual.

Saturday night I was so afraid
of saying something lame,

I barely said anything at all.

That's not who I am.

The last thing I wanna do
is start acting all stupid.

See ya tonight.

I hear that, muchacho!

[GIGGLES]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

I'm not gonna think about it.

Good attitude.

Tonight is totally not a big deal.

Uh, you're not gonna wear that, are you?

What's wrong with what I'm wearing?

You have to look
like you made a little effort.

I mean, call me crazy,
but I think Craig's seen you

in the olive skirt before.

[WHIRRING]

Well, here goes nothing.

Name?

Pepper Ann Pearson. I'm here with Craig.
Craig Bean. An eighth grader.

-Nope.
-But I'm his date.

He personally invited me.

Yeah, you and everyone else.

There I am.

Leper Jan Reapson.

Five dollar cover charge, Leper Jan.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

PEPPER ANN:
Craig, I'm here! I made it!

Cool. Y'know the cover charge?

The band's donating it
all to environmental causes.

Every little bit makes a difference.

You should have brought Nicky and Milo.

Listen, I'll talk to you later, okay?

You want a hot chocolate or something?
I could get you one.

Craig?

Hmm.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Wait!

Name?

[SIGHS]

I'm such an idiot.

Everyone I know is making such a huge deal
out of this dating thing

and I totally bought into it.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

Dating is part of growing up.

You're not alone in how you feel.

I'm sure this "Craig" is going
through some of the same things you are.

So, what am I supposed to do?

Be yourself. Do what feels right.

Now that I think about it,
life is a lot like sports.

If you trip and fall flat on your face,
you get back up again.

You learn from your mistakes.

[CHUCKLES] Not that I make mistakes.

I mean, he was the one that led me on
when he had no intention of...

I'm fine.

-Hey, Pearson.
-Hey.

It's too bad you left early last night.

Yeah. I, uh, I had to get home.

I wanted you to know that I, um...

I was looking forward to hanging out.

You were?

Yeah.

Well, I'm sure
we'll have other chances, right?

Yeah. I'll, um, see you around?

Yeah.

I still think we should've played
that song you wrote for her.

What's the point

if she didn't even stick around
to hear it?

Don't sweat it, dude.
I'm sure you'll get another chance.

Yeah.

Maybe.

[BELL RINGING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Do you really think this'll improve
my Crunch Pod game, Milo?

Trust me, PA.
Wear this good luck charm

and ye shall be worshipped
as the High Priestess of Pod.

Unless of course this is one of those
evil good-luck charms.

-Hmm.
-CRAIG: Hey, you two. What up?

Oh. [GIGGLES] You know. This 'n that.

More this than that.
But not too much more.

Sixty-forty, maybe.

Actually, I'm heading to a free concert.

The Raindrop-Outs
are like a techno Flaming Snot.

Wanna come with?

Oh! Totally! I love the Rain...

drip... Dry...

PA, we've got plans, remember?

Oh, right.

Our Crunch Pod mixed doubles tourney.

Don't worry about it.
Maybe another time.

All right, let's get this Crash Pad
"tourney" over with.

Hey, what about you?

You up for a concert?

Absolutamente!

Uh, Nicky? I thought we were going out
with Milo and Pepper Ann?

Right, of course. We're all playing
that silly Crock Pot game.

I promised them I'd give it a shot.

I'm sorry, Craig. I'm so, so, so sorry.

Guess I'm the fifth wheel here.
See you all later.

Later to you, too, fifth wheelio!

Keep on rollin'! Honk! Honk!

What's he talking about, a fifth wheel?

Maybe he thinks we're a couple.
Like Nicky and Stuart.

Two wheels attached to one axle.

[SCREAMS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRAIG GRUNTING]

Craig!

I wanna roll along with you, Craig.

I wanna roll along with you!

Wait! You've got it all wrong, Craig.

I'm a unicycle! A unicycle!

You roll, Unicycle Girl!

Roll, roll! Roll like the wind!

What's she talking about, a unicycle?

Hey, PA, could you walk a little slower?
I'm charley-horsing.

Milo, we're good friends, yes?

Yes.

So, it'd be cool
if I asked you a favor, right?

Right.

Okay, here's the deal.

Could you maybe keep your distance
from me

just until Craig is absolutely sure
we're not a couple?

Keep my distance?

Thanks, Milo. You're the best.

Now, hit the bricks. Huh, huh?

-MILO: You mean like this?
-More.

-How's this?
-PEPPER ANN: More.

This?

More. More.

More... perfect!

Oh! Look at the cute couple, Hector.

[GROANS]

Pepper Ann, you're being perfectly absurd.

Nobody would assume that you and Milo
are a couple.

History is rife with non-romantic
male-female partnerships.

Like who?

Uh, Caesar and Cleopatra?
No. Sonny and Cher?

No. Okay, give me one second.

Walk you two amigas to class?

Uh, Milo, I thought we were gonna take
separate routes.


PA, there's only one way to go.

Harold and Maude?

[PANTS]

Took long way, avoided Milo. [SIGHS]

What up?

Dr. Quinn and Sully?

Oh, of course not!

Who could resist
his rugged frontiersman machismo?

Hiya, Nicky.

-Bye-a, Nicky.
-[GROANS]

Ten bucks says
Craig's standing right behind me.

What up, you two?

I'm a little chocolate boy!

This is why my life is trash.

-Hey, PA.
-[SQUEALS]

-Am I glad to see you!
-Shh!

-Don't speak!
-But I just wanted...

All right, all right, but not here.

[SQUEALS]

MILO: PA, why you trippin'?

This desperate attempt to keep up
platonicity is makin' you wig

and frankly, sister, I have had it!

PEPPER ANN: Uh-huh.
So I've missed you, buddy!

Where 'ya been keeping yourself?

MILO: Ah, you know, here and there.

I was just feeling
the post-lunch munchies.

I'm thinking some fish sticks
might be the cure.

PEPPER ANN: Oh, you can totally have mine.
I'm stuffed.

This is nice, isn't it?

Except for the garden weasel
cutting into my shins.

MILO: Mhm?

PEPPER ANN:
All right, let's get out of here.

On the count of three.
One, two, thee!

Gee, PA, thanks for the fish sticks.

That's all I wanted.

Trust me, Marie, there's something fishy
going on, and it's not the sticks.

It's funny, but now that Pepper Ann
and Milo are so obviously a couple,

I'm strangely interested in him.

What does that say about me?

You're a home wrecker.

[LAUGHS] So "obviously a couple"?

You people don't really believe that,
do you?

[CROWD] Yes!

Well then, let me set the record straight.
It all started when...

[BELL RINGING]

...and that's what happened.

Hello?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Hi, it's me. I'm right down the street.
Can I come over?

Milo, what are you doing calling me
from my own street?

Are you at least wearing
the disguise I bought you?

Yeah, but I gotta tell you, PA,
I feel like a nerd.

Just get off the street and get in here,
before someone sees you.

But don't use the front door.

-But how am I...
-[GRUNTS]

I have to hang up.
The phone could be tapped.

Who could be listening?

Oh, yes, Milo. You will be mine.

PA, I'm sorry but this
is really getting out of hand.

Just hurry up and get in here!

This isn't Dawson's... Craig!

Hey, Milo. Hey, Pepper Ann.

-Hey, Cr... [SCREAMS]
-[GRUNTS]

Uh... PA, we've gotta talk.

PEPPER ANN: Milo and I have to talk.

I need him to sign this voluntary
restraining order I just drafted.

Pepper Ann, did you ever stop to consider
that Craig might think

you and Milo are a couple
because of how you've been acting?

I mean, look at Pebbles and Bam Bam.
No one thought they were a couple.

Uh, actually, Nicky, they did get together
and they had a band.

What, were you raised
in front of the TV? Ugh!

MILO: PA!

PEPPER ANN: Uh-oh.

Enough is enough, PA.

I'm sick and tired of the way
you've been treating me.

Milo, all I'm asking is that you give me
a little space.

-Is that so hard?
-You know what?

Space is a frontier
and for us it's final.

Look me up after you've grown up.

[SCREAMS]

BOY: Looks like trouble in paradise.

I bet it was another woman.

Girlfriend's gotta dump the deadweight
and move on!

[SIGHS]

ROBOTIC VOICE:
Hello, Pepper Ann.

Sounds like it's game over
with you and Milo.

What the...

You'll be playing
one-player games for the rest of your sad,

pathetic, miserable,
carbon-based existence.

[GASPS] Oh, Milo, what have I done?

What are you drawing?

You. With horns, a mustache,
and a red, pointy tail.

Oh, that's really good!
Don't forget to shade in my pig snout.

Look, Milo, I've been treating you
really badly and I'm sorry.

All of a sudden you're sorry?

Well, I found your pod necklace
and it started to...

I mean, I thought about it,
and your friendship is important to me.

So, yeah, I'm sorry. Are we still friends?

Depends. What are you gonna do
to make it up to me?

Reimburse you for all that change
you spent calling me from pay phones?

-More.
-Throw myself into a rose bush?

More.

Wear the disguise I bought
that made you look like a nerd?

Perfect.

-Fine.
-CRAIG: What up, guys?

Think what you will, Craig,
but Milo and I are friends.

I want you and the world to know
that we are gonna stay friends.

No matter what anyone thinks.

Um, that's cool.

Are you, uh, up for hittin' Freezy Pleasy?
I was just heading over.

-[SCREAMS]
-Sure!

Hey, Gwen Mezzrow, give me a hand?

Sorry, Milo, but now
that you're not dating Pepper Ann,

you're way too attainable.

The challenge is gone.

PEPPER ANN: Need a hand?

I guess I still need to work
on those reflexes.

Thanks, PA.

C'mon! Let's go to Freezy Pleasy.
All of us.

I did it!

I thought of a classic non-romantic
male-female friendship.

Pepper Ann and Milo!

[PEPPER ANN AND MILO GROAN]

Nicky, that is the cheesiest thing
I've ever heard.

-Why would you say that?
-I think it's sweet.

-Speak no more, woman.
-Okay, fine!

You two try and think of a couple
because obviously my insight...

Uh, um, um, um...
Maybe I should leave you guys alone.

-No!
-No!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]