04x10 - Live and Let Dye

[bunniefuu]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

MALE VOICE 1: Who?

FEMALE VOICE 1:
Is that that girl from gym class?

-MALE VOICE 2: No, that's me.
-FEMALE VOICE 1: Oh.

FEMALE VOICE 2: Who is she
and why does she have her own song?

MALE VOICE 1: Did someone take my lunch?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Much too cool for seventh grade

No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!

Here's my remote control!

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

[MUSIC CONCLUDES]

So, what do you think?

-What?
-The backpack.

The teeny-weeny,
tiny-winy way cool vinyl backpack.

Dad sent it from Burma
where it's being test-marketed.

No one's got one
of these babies yet. No one.

PA, I hate to burst your backpack bubble,

but tiny vinyl sacks have been
on the scene for nearly a decade.

-In another year, they'll be retro.
-This is a teeny tiny vinyl backpack,

the next wave of too hip accoutrements.

Hipness aside, don't you find it
a might impractical?

There's no room for books or paper.

Yup. All this baby fits is a stick of gum.

It's the teeniest backpack yet
and I'm the first one to have it.

That's what being an individual
is all about.

Being a shepherd to the fashion sheep.

[ALL GASP]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[BLEATING]

-[THUMPING]
-[GASPS, GRUNTS]

Gum, anyone?

I had it all wrong.

I don't need some hot new accessory
to be an individual.

I'm glad you finally see
that individuality is on the inside.

I have my flaming red hair.

-[THUD]
-COACH DOOGAN: Heads up!

-[GASPS]
-That's your ball, Red.

-[STUDENTS SHOUTING]
-MALE VOICE 1: Yo, my ball!

[ALL GROANING]

COACH DOOGAN: Okay, get up.

Nice hustle, Dizenzio.
Walk it off. Walk it off.

Where did all these redheads come from?

MILO: Red hair is trade trendy these days,
my friend.

Trendy? Oh! [CHUCKLES] No.

I am not a trendoid.
I am a trendsetter. I am unique.

I am an individual. I am...

-Being sat on.
-Sorry, Peppie.

I didn't see you,
and eat a taco or something.

Your bony knees nearly punctured me.

Ma, tell Moose to leave me alone.

Your mom's not back from her...

D-A-T-E yet.

I can spell, you know.

Aunt Janie, Moose knows mom was on a date.
She picked the restaurant.

What the Red Snapper lacks in ambience,
it makes up for in scrod.

Well, thanks again for dinner, Harold,
and good luck with, um...

whatever it was you were talking
about for three solid hours.

I love you...

So, how was it?
Are you gonna see him again?

Where did he take you? Did he pay?

-Hi, Mom.
-Hi, Mom.

Hi, Moose. Hi, Nicky. Hi, Milo.

Oh, if you see Pepper Ann,
tell her to stop throwing

her pistachio shells in the ficus.

[SIGHS] Did you see that?
She didn't even see me.

Look on the bright side, PA.

You'll never have to stop throwing
your pistachio shells in the ficus.

I've got to do something drastic
and I know just the...

You're not gonna wear tinfoil on your head

and make us call you Shazam
or the Human Lightning Rod again, are you?

No.

[CAT MEOWS]

Oh, I never knew how many duds

there were in this town until
I started dating again.

Look at me, I'm single, I'm successful.

I'm a catch! So why is it so impossible
to meet a sane, decent man?

Are those as good as they look?

They taste like cardboard,
but what do you want for two bucks a pop?

Um, Lydia, perhaps your approach
is a bit lacking.

[GASPS]

Oh! Come on. He's getting away!

Okay. Ask him to recommend
a good, smoky mozzarella.

Beauregard, I found that basil farfalle
we had on our honeymoon.

Wonderful.

[SIGH] I'm so glad I'm not single.

Would it k*ll these men to wear a ring?

Come on. I gotta get home
and eat a half gallon

-of Mocha-Choco Swirl before it melts.
-[CART RATTLING]

-But, Lydia, you have a freezer.
-Shut your yap and grab a hot fudge.

Okay. If I mix the Blonderful tonight
with the Blueberry Hairy.

[SIGHS] It's perfect.

You're dying your hair green?

Hey, Milo's hair is blue.

Beg pardon, PA. My hair is black.

So deep a black that it projects
an iridescent blue sheen,

like Dr. Blueblack of Genetic Dozen fame.

So, if I throw in enough curry,

I can use day-old beef in the casserole
and the kids don't even notice...

-PEPPER ANN: Mom.
-Peppie?

-Uh, I was just...
-So was I.

[SCANNING MACHINE BEEPS]

-Hmm.
-Oh, buck up, buccaneer. [LAUGHS]

You know, you need to expand your horizons

and meet new people,
and maybe pick up a hobby.

Come with me to watch
the whooping cranes migrate.

Have some fun. Read a self-help book
or maybe a new shade of lip... [SCREAMS]

[SIGHS]

It's perfect.

I'm the uniquest, unique-y
this side of freaky.

MOM: Peppie, dinner!

If Nicky and Milo wanna stay,
we're having curry beeferolli casserolli.

[ALL GROAN]

Now, we're eating a little early
because I'm starting Country Dance...

[GASPS]

Nicky, honey, how's your chord lessons?
Oh, I hear my mom calling me.

Nicky, that was you.
You just made your voice higher... Woah!

Peppie, you...

Mom, I know you're shocked and horrified,

but when you have a daughter
as unique as me, you'll...

Oh, Peppie!

You're not shocked and horrified?

Well, I am a little surprised, but...

Oh, I can't keep my little budgie
under my wing forever.

I remember when I was your age.
Oh, I glued plastic flowers to my hair,

it hurt like the dickens,
but I never felt so independent.

Huh?

You look like Frezelda
the Cascadian Ice Hag.

MOM: I have to admit, I'm not crazy

about my daughter looking like
she's selling greens

in the valley of the h*-h*-h*, but...

Stop the car!

-What is it?
-[TIRE SCREECHING]

Whooping cranes.

They must've stopped on their way
to the wildlife preserve in Macadamia.

You're not far south enough.
This is not protected land.

Move on!

Janie, they're not parrots.
They can't understand you.

Now, come on,
we'll be late for our first class.

-I'm not going anywhere.
-Oh, for Pete's sake.

As environmentals, we must protect

-endangered species with our lives.
-[CAR ENGINE STARTING]

-Why, a car could hit this pole.
-[CAR ENGINE REVVING, TIRE SCREECHING]

Or an electric jolt could sizzle them
right up into crane kebabies.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

[BREATHES DEEPLY] Just relax.

Smile, and get in there and meet some men.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

ALL: Oh!

Ah, why am I here? I hate country music.

I love country music.

Welcome, ladies. The name's Tex Yoko.

And I'll be your dance teacher
here at Sudbuckets.

Yippee-kay-yay.

Let's start with the basic two-step.
I'll need me a partner.

What's your name, ma'am?

Ly... Lyd... La...

-Lyla, are you ready?
-Oh, look at me. [CHUCKLES]

My legs are shaky as a newborn calf's

and my tongue's tied
like a steer at the rodeo.

And I'm as nauseous as a vegetarian
doing au jus shots at the slaughterhouse.

Let's give them Lyla to cha-cha-cha.

Lydia, I brought your snakeskin boots
from the attic.

Just remember, you had hammer toes
for years after wearing them.

-Your feet smelled up like...
-MOM: Biscotti.

PEPPER ANN: Grandma, what do you think?

Meh, it's a little dry.

What's with all this biscotti mishigas
anyway?

You people too good for mandel bread?

Grandma, look at me.
Don't you notice anything different?

Peppie! Did you grow bosoms?

Ugh.

So, you're out of the will.
I talked it over with your father.

Gonna be leaving everything
to that nice rabbi on Channel 96.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Oh, check Pepper Ann's green hair.
Oh, yeah.

Like, way to lick the fashion envelope.

That's right, Marie.
Pepper Ann has green hair.

I could never be so bold.

What's that? Oh, yeah.
I hope she conditioned it too.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Okay, kids, listen up.

I think today, we'll start
with our little thing I call a pop quiz.

[ALL GROAN]

[SIGH] Miss Pepper Ann Pearson,
would you look at your hair?

You know, it is a common misconception

that too much chlorine
makes hair turn green.

Huh. Come to find out,
it's something different now.

Okay. Now, does anyone know
the real culprit?

Huh?

Copper. That's right. Okay.

Now, let's take a look
at the chemical reaction, shall we?

Um, Mr. Carter, I believe
you were going to give us...

Shut yer huggers hole, you stupid girl!

FEMALE VOICE:
Way to distract him, green hair.

You rock, queen green.

It's just so green.

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-I saved you a seat, green one.

Look, this gelatin matches your head.
[SNORTS]

MALE VOICE: Hey! Over here, greenie.

Now, now, don't fight.
I'll lunch with everyone eventually.

Now, who's got an extra
Caramelly Crunchy for me?

...And then Miss Stark cast me
as a celery stalk in Le Vegetable,

and I didn't even have to audition.

I can't believe people are having
such a strong reaction to your green hair.

Don't they see that

-there's more to a person than...
-[HORN HONKING]

Cover me, I'm going in.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]

-Mom, what are you doing here?
-It was on the way.

-On the way where?
-Buckle up, Peppie.

The chicken crosses the road
in T-minus four seconds.

-[MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]
-[SCREAMS] Yahoo!

-[TIRE SCREECHING]
-Woah!

Oh, Tex!

[GRUNTS] Fancy meeting you here.
You must come to my place for supper.

I don't think you'll be making dinner
at home.

I reckon you've got a point, Lyla.

I'd be honored to tie on the feed bag
at your fine home.

Who's Lyla?

So no matter how much we love that horse,

if it's got a broken leg,
we have no choice but...

Here we go.

Chicken fried steak,
biscuits and gravy, and fried okra.

Good home country cookin'.

-What is it?
-Is it chicken or steak?

Oh, my daughters
and their clever Seinfeldian humor.

[LAUGHS] Just eat it.

[ALL MUNCH]

[RETCHES]

[COUGHS] So, Moose,

what are seven-year-olds learning
in school these days?

-Coloring, counting?
-We're learning about the Pony Express.

They delivered mail from 1860 to 1861.

Across vast stretches of land they rode.

They dreams of a hopeful nation
in their steady grips.

[HORSE NEIGHING]

Lyla, neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow
could keep me away from you.

Kiss me, Tex.

Lyla, there's something
I've been meaning to tell you.

Yes, Tex?

You cook a mean okra.

-Huh?
-TEX: But I've got to be on my way.

-Thanks again for the dinner.
-Don't go. I made fritters.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

So, even though the Pony Express
is defunct,

the U.S. Post Office carries on
the tradition of mail delivery.

I learned about the Japanese poetry art
of haiku.

I even wrote one.
"Pretty flower, do I know you?"

So, Peppie, how did your green hair
go over at school?

Fun. "Pretty flower, do I know..."

Well, these dishes
aren't gonna wash themselves.

Wouldn't that be something?
Self-washing dishes.

I better call the patent office.

"Pretty flower, do I know you?"

MOOSE: Back, Frezelda.

You shall never rule Cascadia,
you ice hag.

[LAUGHS]

Look, the green hair just put you
on the A-list.

We're gonna be hanging out
with you from now on.

Great. You know, I saw the funniest,
crazy twin shenanigans yesterday.

Tina and Gina accidentally
got glued together,

so everyone thought they were conjoined.

But there was the Sadie Hawkins dance,
so...

How about we just walk and don't talk?

The green-haired girl and I are like this.

Uh-huh. Isn't she wild?

It was my idea.

-Uh, actually...
-What did I say about talking?

Hey, beat it, Trinket.
I'm walking home with green-hair.

-What?
-Not so fast.

Okay, look, I'll give you three bucks

and this tube of discontinued
Diablo Rojo lip liner.

-Deal.
-What?

[WHISTLES]

You're walkin' me home, green hair.

-Why would I do that?
-Because I paid for you, you belong to me.

Besides, as soon as my ma sees you,

she'll let me get
those strawberry highlights for sure.

-[CAR HORN HONKING]
-Move it, people.

We're line dancing tonight,

and this filly is not gonna be stuck
in the back row.

What's the matter, buddy?
You honk for any hotsie in lighter shorts,

but not for an endangered species?

Lydia, is that you? Oh.
Honk for me sister. Lydia!

[PANTS]

All right, you'll rep this one up
with a double dip tush push.

Now, I'll need a partner for the next...

dance.

Ops. I'm due at the Civic Center.

COMMENTATOR: With two outs and no one on,

it looks like we may be going
into extra innings, folks.

Hey, it's that green-haired girl again.

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-MALE VOICE: There you go!

Homerun! There you go!


[CROWD CHEERING]

That was some serious power hitting.
I rock!

Ego check much, battings skills,
shmatting skills.

-It's your green hair that rocks.
-Like, by dyeing your hair green,

you've become the physical embodiment
of our teenage angst

with yearning for uniqueness.

But I scored the winning run.

Uh-huh. No one cares.

CROWD: Green hair! Green hair! Green hair!

[LAUGHS]

Be honest, Lyla,
you've taken lessons before.

Well...

I knew it.

-Can you do the Honkytonk Stomp?
-Ah, yes.

-The Electric Slide? The Achy Breaky?
-Sure.

The Cotton Eye Joe?
The Inside-out Buddhist Scoot?

And chew gum at the same time.

Listen, every Friday night,
I dance at the Hazelnut Dinner Theater.

My partner's got a twisted ankle,
so what do you think?

Ah...

Perfect. We'll meet here to practice
and take my truck to the Dinner Theater.

It'll be nice to spend some time together,
outside of class.

Well, fiddle-dee-dee, Mr. Yoko.
I do believe you are flirting with me.

PEPPER ANN: Psst...

I'm trying to go home,
but I just can't face the crowds today.

You gotta create a distraction,
so I can make a break for the door.

Pepper Ann, this is the last time.

Hey Milo, is that J.T.T.?

Nicky, that's so last year.

Hey, are those the Backstreet Boys?

[ALL SCREAMING]

It's the green-haired girl!

PEPPER ANN:
There is more to me than my green hair.

-[ALL SCREAM]
-Enough!

I'm not just the green-haired girl.
I'm Pepper Ann.

-[SCOFF] Who?
-Pepper Ann. I'm on the soccer team.

I have a huge, possibly mutual crush,
on eighth-grader Craig Bean.

Even though I'm often late to class,
I love science

and plan to one day win a Nobel Prize,
Pepper Ann!

Your hair is the coolest shade of green.

You're a lighthouse of individuality

for those of us adrift
on a sea of conformity.

It's so green. It's greezen.

I was splashed by passing cars,
laughed out of city council,

and I don't care what they say.

I do not have unnatural powers
over the pigeons in Hazelnut.

Mayor Kim parks his car under a tree,
he takes his chances.

I don't know what I have to do
to be taken seriously.

[GULPS] Ah!

-[BURPS]
-[SIGHS]

Or do I?

-[INDISTINCT CLAMOR]
-Just leave me alone!

I can't take it anymore.

I can't go the rest of my life being
nothing more than a girl with green hair.

[HYPNOTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

MALE VOICE: This is it.

This is where old green hair lives.

They say it's the coolest hair ever.

They say it emits radiation
that gives you superpowers.

Get out of here before I call the cops.

Ain't you ever seen green hair before?
Ain't ya?

[HYPNOTIC MUSIC CONCLUDES]

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go pretend to know how to do
the booty tushy pushy hop.

[SIGHS]

Peppie, what is it?

Ah! Spiders, all over your face!

Peppie, Peppie, they're just my eyelashes!

-Oh, sorry.
-What's with you, honey?

Ever since I dyed my hair,
it's all the people cared about.

Now, I wanna wash it out
but it's too late.

I'm not even Pepper Ann anymore,
I'm just the girl with green hair.

And if I wash out the green hair,
I'm no one.

Peppie, you have to... [GRUNTS]

...be true to yourself no matter...
Come on!

What anyone else thinks.

Besides, it's what's inside that matters.
Just be yourself,

and let people like you for who you are.

You must think I'm an idiot.

You aren't the one with ten feet
of chicken wire under your skirt.

This will be out in eight
to twelve washes. I'd better get started.

Now, they'll listen to me.
I've shut off the city's water supply.

No one's gonna water their lawn,
flush their commodes, or wash their hair

until those two whooping cranes
have a safe haven.

No!

Sorry, ma'am.
Oprah's Book Club meets next door.

No, it's me, Lyla.
I mean, not Lyla, but...

Lyla, some of the girls heard
we were dancin'

and they wanted to watch for pointers.

She's gonna fall flat on her...

The name's Lydia.

I don't wear cowboy hats.
I never danced before,

and even after cooking it,
I don't know what chicken-fried steak is.

I put on act to impress you,
but... but I was wrong.

I deserve someone who likes me
for who I am. I'll go now.

To tell you the truth...

I hate chicken fried steak.
You're not the only one to put on an act.

My name isn't Tex.
Heck, I've never even been to Texas.

-ALL: Oh!
-I'm from Brooklyn.

I learned how to dance
at the Morty Abraham's Conservatory

at 4th and Flatbush.
I hate these studs on my shirt.

And these boots give me hammer toes.
I know it was wrong,

but who would wanna take
country dance lessons

from plain-ol' Bernie Guberston?

-Not me, goober.
-[LOUD FOOTSTEPS]

I don't even dance at the Dinner Theater.

I made it up because I figured

you wouldn't wanna spend
a Friday night with me.

I should've just asked you out for coffee.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

I just thought you wouldn't like me.
Like this.

Well, looks like class
ain't gonna happen tonight.

Good night, Lydia.

Bernie, I don't care what you look like
or how you dress.

From what I know,
you're a sane, decent man.

Maybe we could get to know a little more
about each other,

over that coffee you mentioned?

Besides, that tush push
has done wonders for your derrière.

PEPPER ANN:
So, Mom took Bernie out for coffee,

but every restaurant was closed
because the water was shut off.

[LAUGHS]

And when we got home,

Peppie was using moist towelettes to try
and wash the green dye out of her hair.

[ALL LAUGH]

We better skedaddle then.

Janie needs us now more than ever,

locked in that cold empty room.

Anyone wanna come with?
Visiting hours lasts till ten.

JoJo, she's under house arrest
in your utility room.

I know. She's darn lucky
that judge was a Liberal.

I'll go with you, Uncle JoJo.

CROWD: Green hair!
Green hair! Green hair! Green hair!

This place has gotten way too trendy.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]