03x07 - The Beans of Wrath/Effie Shrugged

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

-BOY 1: Who?
-GIRL 1: Is that that girl from gym class?

-BOY 2: No, that's me.
-GIRL 1: Oh.

GIRL 2: Who is she and why does she have
her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade
No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

-She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!
-All right! Kiwi lip balm!

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

Morning, Mom!

Breakfast will be ready shortly.

[SIGHS] I must be dreaming.

Is Tom Selleck
still fixing our bathroom sink?

No, Mom, you're wide awake.
Aunt Janie's showing me how to cook!

You never wanted to learn cooking from me.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, Lydia,
I'm teaching Pepper Ann how to cook

the earth-friendly, organic way.

All the fruits, oats and grains

were grown without harmful chemicals
or pesticides.

How come we don't buy organic foods?

I mean, we recycle,
we plant trees on Arbor Day.

Going organic would be
the natural next step!

I'd be the first to be one
with Mother Earth, Peppie,

if it didn't cost 20 cents a pound more.

Aunt Janie was right.
It is all about money.

Oh, that's not what I meant at all...

Look, Peppie, when you've got a job
of your own,

you can buy whatever
high-end produce you want.

[SLURPS] Till then we buy conventional
veggies and wash them thoroughly.

Is this...

Tofu coffee!
It's healthier than that junk you drink.

Real coffee. Now!

-[BELL RINGING]
-Okay, listen up! [CHUCKLES]

The good people
at the Hazelnut County Fair

have once again asked me

to be a judge
in this year's gardening contest.

And since we are learning
that "Photosynthesis is Phun,"

each one of yous
will enter something grown

by your own hands into the fair.

[CHUCKLES]
This is for a grade, people.

-Let's try and learn something, 'kay?
-[ALL SIGHING]

This is it! My chance to become
one with Mother Earth.

I'm going to grow
a totally organic garden.

No pesticides, no chemicals.

[SIGHS] I'm going to design
a challenging hedge maze.

It's always been a dream of mine
to create an elaborate labyrinth.

An elaborinth.

What kind of garden are you going to grow?

Carnivorous.

In the tradition of a little piece
of American history,

called the Oklahoma Land Rush,

you're going to high-tail it
to a plot and declare it yours

-by planting your flag.
-[GASPS]

Okay. On your mark, get set...

Outta my way!
Mama's plantin' a hedge maze!

...go!

All right, coming through! Coming through!
Look out! Look out!

-[NICKY SCREAMS]
-Come on! You can make it!

Go on without me. Claim your land!

We're not leaving you!

[GRUNTS]

[THUDS]

There's no time!
I'll get your land for you!

[DIETER SCREAMS]

So sorry, looks like I got here first!
Your face is full of dirt.

Well, this isn't so bad.

-Howdy, neighbor!
-[GROANS]

[PINGS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[PINGS]

[TRUCK BEEPING]

[HUMMING]

[GROWLING, SNAPPING]

DIETER: Okay, back. Keep going.
Yeah. Okay, okay go.

-PEPPER ANN: What are you doing?
-I'm laying a slab for my plants.

-But won't they need soil?
-Soil is for sissy gardens!

This garden will be grown with no soil
and only artificial light.

It's the garden of the future!

No soil? No light?
That defies the very laws of nature!

Well, look who is suddenly all-of-knowing.

I bet my ultramodern vegetables

will beat your puny
natural vegetables at the county fair!

You're on. My beautiful organic veggies
against your unholy freaks of nature.

Please live. Please!
My garden's a maggot-ridden disaster!

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

Maggots are an important cash crop
to many native tribes!

-Apple core?
-I told you nature was overrated!

FEMALE VOICE:
Entry authorized. Hello, Dieter.

DIETER: Hello, bubbies.
Time for your noon o'clock feeding!

He's putting that bug poison
on his plants.

And it's working!

Then again, is a little pesticide so bad?

-You wouldn't dare.
-I have no choice!

Mr. Carter's gonna fail me
and Dieter's going to humiliate me.

That's ridiculous!

You can't use bug poison
on your "organic" garden!

Where are your principles...

P.A., do you have any finger sandwiches
or buffalo meat?

My plants are hungry.

They are way beyond insects, P.A.
Way beyond!

PEPPER ANN: Piping, paint...
Ah! Here we go, pesticides.

[GASPS] Aunt Janie?
What are you doing here?

Protesting. The use of these poisons
needs to be outlawed!

I'll cut the locks when you ban the toxin!

[SIGHS] What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just looking for...piñatas?

Uh, did ya find that
high-intensity pesticide

you wanted there, little lady?

[SOBS]

Pesticide? You?

Pepper Ann,
I thought we were kindred spirits

in the quest
to keep our mother planet healthy.

That's all well and good
on Planet Sunflower,

but I'm livin' in the real world
and the real world is full of bugs!

Why didn't you just come to me?

[SIGHS]

I wanted to do it on my own.
With my own two hands.

Do you think Lady Bird Johnson
built all those potty stops

with her own two hands?

Helping the environment
is a community effort!

Now, let's go save that garden!

Oh, rats! I think I left the keys
in the van again.

Be a dear and get me a blowtorch
from aisle ten.

[FLIES BUZZING]

First things first.
These plants need nutrients!

Now, we just have to work this
into the ground.

Pooh-ee! What is that smell?

Well-rotted steer manure. Spread it!

Pepper Ann, let me show you something.

Now, your corn is infested with aphids
that will suck the plant dry.

Most people would be tempted to poison
the heck out of these little suckers,

but there's a better,
earth-friendly solution.

Ladybugs? They'll eat everything!
What are you trying to do?

You're not Aunt Janie at all, are you?

-Off with the wig, Dieter!
-[CHUCKLES]

Oh, Pepper Ann. These are good bugs.

They love to eat aphids,

they don't harm the plants
and they're so cute!

Oh, sorry.

Aunt Janie, you can't drink that
on school property!

Oh... [CHUCKLES] This isn't for me.

No, it's for the slugs
that have been eating your strawberries!

It's a special mixture of water,
yeast and sugar.

Snails and slugs love it.

I like to make a sort,
of a "slug saloon" for them.

They come and drink,
fall in the bowl and perish.

Boy, Pepper Ann,
you've worked wonders with this garden.

My organic veggies
are gonna kick Dieter's...

-[BEEPING]
-Oops, that's me.

It's them. They're hungry. Again.

I'm just glad they have a taste for scrod.
Keeps 'em peaceful!

The "elaborinth" is ahead
just a few more feet.

And to all you amateur paparazzo's,
please, no flash photography.

[SNAPPING]

[CHOMPS]

[GRUNTS] Fine, keep it.
It was acrylic, anyway.

[ALL SCREAM]

Nicky's acrylic sweater!
What have you done with her?

Spit her out
or it's the crazy plant farm for you!

[CROWD CHATTERS]

Good work, Pepper Ann.

Looks like you took the concept
of photosynthesis

and really ran with the...

holy horticulture,
will ya look at the size of that baby!

[ALL GASPING]

All of my vegetables were created
without any soil,

with artificial light,
and genetically engineered to never rot.

[SQUELCHING]

[COUGHS]

It tastes like...bacon?

That's a little side effect
of crossing it with a pig gene.

-Ew!
-That is nasty!

Sweet Martha Washington! [SCREAMS]

-[EXPLODES]
-Whoa!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CHOMPS]

-This corn is so sweet!
-I've never had such a delicious tomato!

I think we have a winner here!

Pepper Ann has given us a little taste
of organic heaven.

And I have given her an A plus is what!

Taste? Who cares about taste?
Mine will never rot!

Congrats on yer victory, neighbor!

Looks like both our dreams
are coming true! [CHUCKLES]

Nicky's been devoured by my crazy plant!
I found this in its mouth!

-Oh, what horrors have I wrought?
-Oh, Milo she probably just dropped it.

Nicky's way too intelligent
to be outsmarted by a plant.

A right, then a left, then...
No, right? Drat!

Foiled by my own shrubbery!

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

As you'll see,

ridges of a normal potato chip

appear as vast tater canyons
when magnified 40 times!

Late! Late! Look who's late!
Pepper Ann!

Oh Great glowin' Curie, Pearson,
that's the tenth time this month!

Burn.

-What happened?
-Was it waffle-related?

I fell asleep waiting for you guys.

I told you my mom was driving me
to school today.

I sent you an e-mail,
left two phone messages,

and pinned a note to your shirt
before you went home yesterday.

I'm sorry, P.A.
I thought I gave you this memo.

I came in early to paint a mural
on the gym ceiling.

I'm calling it "Hooray for Heads Up."

[BELL RINGS] Ladies and gentlemen,

start your flagellum! [CHUCKLES, SNORTS]

-What are we...
-[KNOCKING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

-[WHISPERS] I just transferred here...
-Okay. Have a seat.

-Hi, I'm Pepper... hand!
-Oh sorry. Your hand is so small.

I'm Effie Shrug. I just transferred here.

Oh from reform... school?

So, we're just supposed to identify
various organelles within the cell,

cytoplasm, endoplasmic reticulum,
pretty basic stuff.

Yeah, yeah.
The ever-plastic curriculum. [CHUCKLES]

What's up?

Guys, we are just Tuesday
through Thursday away from Friday.

-I am so psyched!
-Why?

It's the opening night
of Make Way For Mutants!

The explosions, the mutants,
the infectious musical numbers?

We're still going, right?

Oh I'm sorry, Pepper Ann.

I'm on a deadline for this symphony
I'm composing.

And I'm hosting the art club's
"Bring Your Own Medium" party.

Hey, Pepper Ann.
Are you doing anything this afternoon?

Care to hang out?

Yeah! I can show you around!

Brain Dead! Greezy N' Cheezy!
All Meats Loafed!

The dumpster behind the toy store!

Um, I just transferred to this school.
I've lived in Hazelnut my whole life.

Why don't I show you
some of my favorite places?

PEPPER ANN: This is where you hang out?

I like books, Pepper Ann.
Knowledge is power and all that.

You said you like reading?

Sure. Fuzzy Comics,
Popular Megablading Magazine,

oh and "Turn the Page,
Face Yer Fate" books.

Pepper Ann, I can tell
you're way beyond that stuff.

Dickens, Pepper Ann, Dickens.

David Copperfield.

[GASPS] Oh, is it about the dark
and mysterious illusion...

No! Buy it, you'll like it.

PEPPER ANN: [GROANS] The line is so long.

Oh well, guess I'll pick it up
at the next book fair.

-[GASPS] What...
-Why wait?

Here. Just call me the book fairy.

-But how did you...
-Line let up.

[GROANING]

So, Darwin didn't just say
that it was the strongest who survive?

In fact, he said that the strongest,

smartest, and most adaptable species
not only survive,

but continue to evolve
into something even better.

Awesome! Endangered Slurshees!

Sorry. We're out of ice
and thus extinct for the day.

-Effie?
-Hey. Look who has Endangered Slurshees.

Us.
That couple decided they weren't thirsty.

Hey, Peppie. Mom finally got us
those garlic croutons we... [GASPS]

Effie Shrug in my house!

[SCREAMS]

You and Moose know each other?

You know that school
from which I transferred?

It was Hazelnut Elementary.
Last week, I was in the fifth grade.

-Fifth grade? How old are...
-I'll be nine next month.

Why did Moose run away screaming?

Recess can be
a happy, magical time, Pepper Ann.

It can also be rife
with unfortunate incidents.

Nietzsche built upon Darwin's theory
by coming up with the idea

of the Will to Power.

Basically, he said that the strongest
don't simply want to survive,

-but to also gain power over others.
-Uh-huh.

He also developed the idea
of the Superman.

-The Man of Steel...
-No!

The philosophical concept.

To Nietzsche, the Superman
defines his or her own morality.

Right and wrong, good and evil are far,
far more complicated than...

Hello, my little Pepulah!

Oh, that's so cute!
You're having a tea party!

Who's your new friend?

-I'm Effie Shrug.
-[YELPS]

Pepper Ann told me you work
at the Hazelnut Mall, selling apparel.

Why, yes.

You were the eldest child in your family.

-Correct?
-Yes. That's true.

I understand you've been divorced
for several years now.

You kept your husband's name?

I think... I think I have laundry!

-She's nice.
-[SLURPS]

What are you doing?

I'm detailing your locker.
I was leaning on it.

You coming? Lunch is on me.

Get all the wax, Noah. All of it.

[SQUEAKING]

[ALL GASPS]

-Hey.
-Huh?

[GASPS]

What are you guys doing?

P.A., we're sorry.
But, Effie, she's a...a bully.

Effie? A bully? Oh, please!

"So You Think You've Befriended A Bully.
The Warning Signs You Need To Know."

Guys, come on!

No, you come on, Pepper Ann!
Open your eyes!

My eyes are wide open.

I see two of my friends
too busy to hang out

or see Make Way For Mutants,

but with plenty of time
to tear down my new comrade.

I find both of your attitudes truly sad.
Effie is my friend.

And unlike you,
I don't bail on my friends.

"Do long lines tend to disappear
around your friend?

"Do people tend to cower
around your friend?

"Does your friend constantly have
an excess of lunch money?"

[SLURPS] I want hot chocolate. Try again.

But, I just boiled this my...

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Effie, are you a bully?

-Yes. Biscotti?
-[GASPS]

How do you think we got those Slurshees?
That tour of the H-Nut Stock Exchange?

The extra-fast go-racers
at Zippity Goo Karts?

Pepper Ann, remember the Darwin exhibit?
Remember Nietzsche?

It's survival of the fittest.
And I'm the fittest.

When we met, you were simple and weak.

I chose you to share in the big secret.

You can have anything you want
if you're strong enough to take it.

Take it, Pepper Ann.

Waiter, I believe you should ask my friend
if she cares for anything.

Oh... [LAUGHS, STAMMERS] Do you?

Yes. Hot cocoa.

Not chocolate. Cocoa. Now!

Oh!

[THUMPING]

PEPPER ANN: Look at that line!

-Have I taught you nothing?
-Oh, yeah, I forgot. People fear us.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Guys? What are you doing here?

Waiting for you.
We owe you an apology, Pepper Ann.

We've been so into our transactions
and gratuities,

we failed to see
that we were bailing on you.

Guys... thanks.

Guys... move.

Effie, we aren't going anywhere!

We've been waiting in this line
for two hours for Pepper Ann!

Oh, Little!
One so smart shouldn't be so dumb.

Here comes the shove.

-[YELLS]
-[ALL GASPS]

Enough!
Effie, it's over! We can't do this!

It's nature, Pepper Ann. Darwin...

Effie, you're not a lion
and we're not antelope!

The laws of the jungle do not apply
to the seventh grade!

You're not the "fittest,"
you're just a bully.

And it's time to evolve
into something better.

Evolve, Effie! Evolve!

[SIGHS]
That's what I've become, isn't it?

A two-bit goon,

copping lunch money off the weak
and easily tripped.

This isn't me.

-I must evolve if I...
-[CAR HONKS]

-Mom?
-Effie, darling!

Your PPSAT results came in
and you crushed the competition!

You're going to be
the youngest Ivy Leaguer in history!

And next year,
the youngest corporate lawyer!

Well, at least I learned my lesson.

Intimidation is a one-way ticket
to Lamesville.

Uh... P.A.

Don't I get to stay here
because I learned an important lesson?

CROWD: No!

Back of the line,
Ms. Former-Bully-in-Training!

-Oh.
-Hey, P.A., wait up.

But, you guys waited in line
for two hours!

We know. But we also know
you don't bail on your friends.

Thanks, guys.

You know, it's funny.

Even though she was a cold,
calculating bully

who could quote Nietzsche but couldn't
quite grasp the concept of friendship,

it's times like these
that I really miss Effie Shrug.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES]