[CRICKETS CHIRP,
UPLIFTING INTRO MUSIC]
Hi. I'm Darla Peterson.
Owner, operator, and
bittersweet memory-maker
at Kitty Kasket LLC.
Did you recently lose a loving
pet?
Has your feline friend met
its fate?
Don't put it in a bag.
Don't put it in the freezer.
Give your pet the burial it
deserves,
in a beautiful kitty kasket!
The Kitty Kasket is a fully
customizable reminder
to your deceased friend
that they are unique and
fabulous
even in the afterlife.
FACT: I've started 17
businesses since
graduating college,
and it wasn't until I held my
neighbor's dead cat in my arms
that I realized this is the
business I was born to run.
But enough about my life.
We're here to talk about
your cat's death.
Order now, and you can give
your trusty companion
of 12 to 18 years,
depending on diet,
The burial it deserves!
When your cat's nine lives are
up, you'll be glad you did.
In a Kitty Kasket
You'll be glad you had it/
In a Kitty Kasket...
What do you think?
The neighbor boy made this?
We made it together.
This is why my daughter Darla
doesn't have any customers.
I'm following a proven business
model.
Darla, it's terrible.
What do you think, Mrs.
Legitimate CPA?
One: I'm not seeing a 1099 for
this neighbor boy.
Is he a freelancer?
The neighbor boy has a name.
It's Phil Foss, and he's ten.
And Two: What is the profit
margin for an $89.99 casket?
Oh, uh... $14.
Oh, very good.
Okay, so if I punch in this,
Can you put that back, please.
And if I do this
[typing on calculator]
It appears that you have a tax
bill of...
$349,000.22.
Uh... That must be wrong.
[typing on calculator]
I really don't think so.
Uh, when is it due?
Well, technically, two months
ago,
But you still have one month
left in your grace period.
-Okay.
-Darla, let's go.
-The meeting-
-Darla I'm starving.
All right, umm...
Congratulations on
closing out your fiscal year.
Thank you.
Mom? Mom!
Listen, I may have placed some
unfortunate
investments that did not
pan out
and may have placed the burden
of that debt
onto your business.
But you filed the additional
paperwork to make
Kitty Kasket LLC an LLP, right?
What's the difference again?
An LLC protects
against personal liability
and an LLP protects each member
of the possible,
or in this case, very real
negligence
of the other members of
the company.
I will get us out of this mess!
Please open the door.
But we're not finished...
Open the door, Darla!
In spite of what you think Mom
Kitty Kasket is important to me.
You know, we had almost 20
customers last month Mom.
And all those customers,
they put their trust in me
during a very vulnerable time
in their life.
Darla I really wish you hadn't
made an appointment
with that accountant.
I'm a professional business lady
Mom.
This independent thinking of
yours today?
It doesn't suit you. Not at all.
[Darla] Well, that's--
Oh, yeah, your lunch is in the
back.
Okay, sweetie, eat up.
Let me see you smile.
Give Mommy a smile.
[sighs]
[snoring, phone ringing]
[continues snoring]
[phone continues ringing]
[]
[Darla's Mom's voice] One:
Arnot Pickens is a very busy
man.
Do not interrupt his important
work.
[Voice on the phone]
Mr. Pickens I got an offer...
[Darla's Mom's voice] Two:
Arnot Pickens knows you are my
daughter
and that you are filling in for
me this week.
[]
Three: Arnot Pickens accepts
only
The Figure Eight
Mopping Maneuver.
Consult Handbook.
Four: Tomatoes promote
fallopian health, Darla!
[Arnot] Okay, that's lunch.
Five: If you hear a voice...
from inside the shipping
container...
Ignore it!
[mysterious music]
[beeping]
[door unlocks]
[door clanking]
[door creaks open]
[water trickling]
-[splashing]
-Ah!
Ugh!
Hello Darla Peterson.
[flashlight clicks]
Hello? Darla Peterson.
Darla Peterson, down here.
Are you talking to me?
Your name is Darla Peterson,
is it not?
Uh...
[water trickling]
But are you actually talking to
me or
can I just hear you in
my head?
I do not understand.
You don't have a mouth...
[damp slime sound]
or vocal cords.
I am actually talking to you.
So can anyone hear you?
I don't know.
Sorry for stepping on you.
Hey, hold on.
Would you like an orgasm
Darla Peterson?
Lie in the tub and drape me
over you.
I have to be going now.
It was nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you, too.
[water gurgling]
[door creaks shut]
[door slams and locks]
[fan blowing]
[man grunts]
Oh, Mr. Pickens, your, your ice
cream it's...
Oh,
It's all over my pants.
What a diabolical waste.
Your feet are wet.
Yes, I uhhh...the U-bend...
There was a major blockage
in the U-bend,
but I fixed it,
so I was just drying off.
It's fixed, it's all fixed.
Yeah. Should use a
figure-eight maneuver.
Oh, I that's-
A figure-eight maneuver.
That's the only way I clean
a floor.
Don't touch any more of my
stuff.
I'm kidding.
[awkward laughter]
[man grunts]
Darla Peterson,
put me in your thermos
and take me with you.
[dripping]
[crickets chirping]
[muffled soap opera music]
"No, no...no Dieter no."
[distressed chimp sounds]
"Dr. St. Clair you've got to
hurry..."
"If you don't stabilize his
aortic valve
we're going to lose him."
"Dr. St. Clair!"
"I'm trying to help you Dieter!
"And now, a word from our
sponsors."
"After a long day of
zoological happenings,"
"I need something to wet my
whistle."
"Moca Mola."
"Decent, since 1962."
[]
[Darla reads] By now you've
learned that saying,'Yeah, Ok',
leads to opportunities.
Now it is time to apply the
principles
to more challenging
situations, ones
that unnerve and titillate,
even excite you.
Oh, yes.
In chapter four, we examine
case studies
of people who said,
'Yeah, Ok'
to a variety of strange
propositions.
Are you ready to say,
'Yeah, Ok'
to...your life?
[message chimes]
[]
[message chimes]
Bailey, while I have you...
Is there any chance that you're
squirreling away some money?
[cat meows]
A few hundred thousand?
It wouldn't...no.
It would be a loan. I would pay
you back.
[cat meows]
Gosh, thanks for your confidence
in me.
[Darla] I'm not going to take
any of your money.
I was simply asking.
It's fine. We don't have to
talk about money ever again.
[sighs]
[]
If numbers
can be irrational and imaginary,
then so can you.
[birds chirping]
Okay, Look at this.
This particular carburetor...
This one...contains three grams
platinum in it,
the most valuable element
on Earth.
Between the two of us,
we spend 6 hours
a night casing the neighborhood
for carburetors to remove.
And in the next 3 to 4 weeks,
voila, we'll have enough money
to save your little business.
Can you just say,
'I messed up Darla,
and I'm sorry.'
Mom, this is Rheumacore.
You're the one with arthritis.
Oh, which reminds me, pick up
my prescriptions
after work, please darling?
-Yeah, ok!
-Ok.
BYE!
[Arnot's voice] What's wrong
with you now?
I got you the expensive,
organic sh*t, didn't I?
Oh, my God.
You're not dead, are you?
Mother?
[crying] Oh, nooooo.
Oh, please don't be
dead, Mother.
[thermos clatters loudly]
Darla.
Good morning, Mr. Pickens.
A leak sprang up overnight.
Would you take care of
that, please?
Right away.
-[mysterious music]
-[door creaks shut]
[door locking]
[water leaking]
[mysterious music continues]
[Arnot] Okay, that's lunch...
little Leona.
[door slamming]
[phone ringing]
[water trickling]
Why is Arnot keeping you
in here?
He wants me to grant him
eternal life.
You're a wish-granting scoby?
What's a scoby?
Symbiotic culture of bacteria
and yeast.
You're a kombucha mother.
I am not a kombucha mother.
You're being fed kombucha,
you're a scoby.
I am infinite.
I am collective.
I would be able to more fully
explain what I am
if you joined me.
In the tub.
Yes.
[]
Yeah.
Ok.
Here I go.
I'm going to get in the pool
now.
[]
Close your eyes.
I prefer to keep them open.
If we're going to go on an
adventure, you must trust me.
I trust you.
Why?
I trust everyone.
Don't you?
Yeah.
Ok.
[disco-style
music starts]
[Darla orgasms]
[disco-style music ends]
[Darla panting]
Did you enjoy that?
Yes.
In my experience,
only humans and the common
picnic ant
can enjoy my orgasms.
You want to come with me, right?
More than anything
Darla Peterson.
I... Listen, I owe $349,000.22,
and I think you can help me.
Dollars and cents, Darla
Peterson?
Taxes.
It's a long story.
I wish I could assist you,
but I need help myself.
With what?
Space.
I want to go to space.
Oh um...
I can help you with that.
Oh, thank you, thank you
Darla Peterson.
It is my dream to go to space.
But will you teach me what
taxes are so that I can help
you
in exchange for you helping me?
Arnot never teaches me
anything.
This is the longest speech
I have ever made.
Sounds like we have a deal.
You have to be quiet now.
Mr. Pickens?
Mr. Pickens, I'm headed out.
It's been a pleasure.
You're quitting on me?
No, I was just here covering
Leona's shift.
Tuesday through Thursday.
You know,
the best time to sunbathe
is when the sun is shining.
I...I agree.
[door slams shut]
"People often say to me,
Brittney St. Clair,
did you make a pact with the
devil himself
to get such flawless skin?
Very close..."
-Ah!
[Leona] Relinquish the thermos
Darla.
It's my thermos.
Everything that is yours
was once mine.
See?
-Well, you gave it to me.
Well, I want it back.
[both struggling]
It's lemongrass.
Ew! Rinse that out throughly
and let it dry on the mat,
not the drainer.
"...important research
into um
...what is it?...
...pomegranates!"
[]
You dislike tomatoes immensely.
They're slovenly.
What's slo-ven-ly?
Uh...kind of like untidy,
sloppy.
Leona dislikes lemongrass
immensely.
It's because she thinks it gave
dermatitis one time.
In fact, lemongrass is a well
known anti-inflammatory.
You can also use lemongrass
if you wish to lure bees
to start an apiary.
Anyways...
did you know people pay for
orgasms?
I give them for free.
Not anymore.
Okay Darla Peterson, in about
six months,
I will be able to give orgasms
again.
What!?!
I need to regrow.
And based upon current nutrient
intake levels,
it will take six months to
reach my orgasm-granting size.
But I need that money in a
month!
I don't know what to tell you.
[sighs]
But you''re the scoby...
Will you still help me
get to space?
[light clicks]
Hello?
[door shuts]
[sounds of orgasming?]
[Darla reads] Meanness and
kindness are two sides
of the same coin.
And that coin is you!
[muffled heavy metal music]
[Leona's voice] Rinse that out
thoroughly
and let it dry on the mat,
not the drainer!
This is good.
Is this what you call heaven?
Darla, give me more Moca Mola.
Shh!
Moca...Mola.
Moca...Mola.
Here you go.
Drink up.
Darla Peterson.
Are you a professional chef
posing as a kitty casket maker?
Are you being sarcastic?
What is sarcastic?
Never mind.
[terrible-sounding
car pulls up]
Hi, Darla.
Hi Phil.
Frickin heck.
Are you okay to watch Phil
after school?
Yes, Mr. Foss.
It's so fun to hang out
with you.
You know anything about cars?
Sounds like the carburetor, Dad.
It might be the carburetor.
Yeah, it could be.
I think it's a fan...it's
probably the fan belt...
Moca Mola Darla Peterson.
It is the most important
substance in the whole world.
You really don't need to freeze
any corpses, Mr. Choi.
Actually, in the brochure-
Darla Peterson.
-[Mr. Choi] I'll send Mr.
Runnybottom over with Danny-
-Darla Peterson.
-[Mr. Choi] You know I caught
him trying to catch a squirrel
with my wife's-
-Darla. Peterson.
Hold on Mother.
-[Mr. Choi] Don't tell me to
hold on.
And don't call me Mother,
Mrs. Peterson.
I'll call you back in 3 to 5
minutes Mr. Choi.
[phone beeps]
[]
-[Darla gasps]
-I have grown 429% in size
since this morning, which
is unusual.
I will need a larger tub soon.
Yeah, ok.
[phone vibrating]
It's your CPA, Darla.
I know who it is.
Hi, Charity. I'm actually in the
middle of something.
-Hi Darla you have 29 days
to pay the IRS.
I'm aware of that.
-I'll call you in a few days
to see how it's going.
It's going quite well, actually.
You really don't have to-
-That's what I like to hear.
Okay, talk to you tomorrow.
But I just.
-[phone call ends]
-Uhm
Are you in trouble Darla?
You're not perfect, Phil.
No one is.
I think you are perfect,
Darla Peterson.
Thank you.
[]
...You ready to win tonight
because these cards
are hot hot hot...
Oh, who cares? You're up
by 2400 points.
Have you and Darla worked
out a solution for your taxes?
Yes.
-Yes.
You don't have a plan.
You have a horrible kombucha
thing that you stole from Arnot.
Well, wait a minute.
I didn't steal her.
I rescued her.
Mother is a sentient orgasm
granting yeast mass
and I'm going to charge people
$1,000
to have mind-blowing orgasms
until our debt is paid.
And then I will assist her in
her continuing journey to space.
Sweet baby Jesus.
All I need to do is find 349
people in 30 days.
That's 11.633 people per day.
Actually, it's more like 11.633
sessions because, you know,
people will have repeats.
Multiple orgasms.
Multiple mind-blowing orgasms.
[knocks on table]
I'll have a go.
Okay.
-1000, you said?
-Yep.
All righty. I got that right
there.
No one is orgas-aming
in this house.
You're absolutely right, Mom.
It shouldn't happen
here. I'll find a motel.
Orgasms happen in motels
all the time.
All right, who's turn is it?
[]
...It won't be for long.
If we don't get the money
together
we're going to lose everything.
Kitty Kasket will go under-
You will fail.
Thanks, Mom.
No no no,
You can't use that bag.
The zipper sticks.
Ready to hit the road?
Where are we going?
We're going to a motel.
Why are we going to a...motel?
Because that's where you
go on vacation.
Will I get a tan on vacation?
Yes.
"I don't want to
hear it Lionel.
The bat guano on
your shirt..."
[Lionel] "You know that guano
could have come from anywhere."
[Brittney] "It could come from
one place and one place only..."
"Dr. Patricia Vogelman's
private observatory."
[Lionel] ""Brittney allow me to
explain.
It's been a long, arduous
journey...
It happened several weeks ago.
I'll tell you all about it.
But it's painful."
[car horn honks]
[car alarm honking]
[]
Name?
Brittney St. Clair.
Just you?
There's two of us.
[television chatter]
We are not on vacation.
We are hiding.
We're not hiding.
I just...
All this might not be 100% legal
Orgasms are not legal,
Darla Peterson?
It's legal to have orgasms. Yes.
It's just...
Well, this particular way of
having them
might not be...
...I don't know...the usual way
of having them.
What is the usual way of having
orgasms, Darla Peterson?
"On next week's episode of
...Wild Urges..."
"There maybe now you can
sleep Franklin."
[Brittney laughs]
"I know, I know you want to
see your mother,
but that's just not how
zoos work."
I am enjoying my vacation,
Darla Peterson.
[Intense exercise sounds]
Darla Peterson, are you
cl*max without me?
I'm working on my delts.
Can you orgasm people yet?
Yes, I am better than ever.
I'll be the judge of that.
[disco music begins]
Cat caskets?
Like you have, like nine caskets
for every kitty cat?
Because of nine lives?
I'll remember that.
Cat caskets, huh?
That sounds so glamorous. Yeah.
It has its ups and downs.
Oh, well, my life's on the
down right now,
as a matter of fact.
It might be surprising to you,
but I don't have my sh*t
together like I probably should.
But, you know, whatever.
I mean, you know, life is short,
then you die,
and who gives a flying f*ck...
...You know, ah f*ck it.
Does uh...
Does my offer speak to you then?
Yeast.
I don't know anything about
yeast
except that's what they use
in these things here, you know.
What do you think?
What do you think about
the lady's offer?
Did you hear what she said?
Yep. Sounds...kinky?
Okay. Yes.
-Let's do it.
-After you.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Okay.
[Darla] This is the Menage
Experience.
What the f*ck?
Please... touch Mother with
any part of your body.
Any part.
Not the wangus?
Here you go.
-[retching]
-Mr. Ellison?
Are you are you...?
Mr. Ellison?
-Mother!
-Oh, god!
Mother!
Nathan Ellison has had
corn for dinner.
This appointment is over.
No refunds!
[]
Maybe you need some
Pectin Bears,
you sound agitated.
I'm not agitated.
I just need a vetting process.
[Phil] It's easy, Darla.
Once they inquire under
your ad, their IP address will
automatically be tripcoded
within my honeypot program.
Yielding me their names
upon which I can do a fairly
standard background check.
That's great, Phil.
I'll post that tonight.
Okay Darla. I have to go to
soccer practice now.
[keyboard typing]
[]
Does the idea of the infinite
unnerve you?
It unnerves me.
Uhm...
It is her high cholesterol
that should unnerve her.
Winnie? Winnie.
I don't know if you thought
we'd have sex.
We're not...we're not going to.
Okay.
But, but you will be having
a Menaging Experience...
with Mother.
Oh. Oh.
Are you ready?
Yes.
[birds chirping]
[distant dog barking]
[Winnie orgasms]
Knock knock...
Did it...work?
Did you hear anything?
[makes moaning sound]
She cannot hear me.
I now have a deep
understanding...of life...
seeping into every corner
of my soul.
You're an acharya,
Darla Peterson.
a spiritual guide.
[Darla] How did you know my
name?
I don't know.
[Winnie] Take it!
I don't want it.
I don't want it. I don't need it
[Darla] 1000 dollars?
Okay goodbye Darla Peterson!
-Could I get a review on Felp?
-Of course. Five stars. 5 1/2!
Okay.
Five and a half.
Actually, Darla I forgot
my keys...
Actually, can I get back my hat?
Yes, of course it is your hat.
Are your taxes paid off
now Darla Peterson?
[Darla reads] Mistakes are
the stones,
the road to perfection
is paved with.
Time to manifest some money.
Yes. Alright.
It's "Yeah, Ok".
[montage-y music begins]
[grunts]
[message chimes]
Hi. I'm here for the orgasm.
Excuse me.
I'm Ken, and I'm your 2 o'clock.
This is Mother.
Hello, Mother.
This should cover everything.
-[man] Here you go dear.
-[Darla] Thank you.
Thank you so much, Brittney.
I love your television show.
Oh, well, I'm happy to
have a fan.
[messages chimes]
[Charity on phone] Hi Darla,
it's me Charity again.
You have 26 days
to pay the IRS.
Give me a call when you're free
and we can set something up.
Okay, bye.
[messages chime]
I'm just enjoying these orgasms,
for which I thank you
Ms. Brittney St. Clair.
I don't even know if I can
drive right now.
I just.
Who would have thought?
A kombucha mother...
could do such a thing?
The multiple male orgasm is now
no longer a myth.
The pillows were super fluffy,
the room was very clean,
and afterwards, I slept like
a baby.
I'm going to go drink a gallon
of water now.
[]
[messages chime]
[grunting]
Thank you lady, that was tasty.
[]
[people orgasming]
[message chimes]
[]
[message chimes]
[Charity on phone] Hi Darla!
This is Charity.
Once again, you have 21 days to
pay the IRS.
-[knocking]
-Just giving you a quick
little reminder because you
know I like to do that.
-[message chimes]
-Okay, talk soon. K, bye!
[giddy noises]
[messages chimes]
[cash register cha-chings]
[grunting]
[message chimes]
[people orgasming]
[more people orgasming]
[a lot of people orgasming]
Yes!
[Darla reads] As you have
undoubtedly discovered over
these days and weeks,
saying 'Yeah, Ok', has improved
your mind, body, and outlook.
It is now time to say it
to more challenging scenarios.
Scenarios that would previously
shake you to your core with
doubt, fear, and anxiety.
[quirky music plays]
[gurgling noises]
Ugh.
Anything's possible when
You've got a fan .
Tomatoes don't have to be
A part of the plan.
You may not be perfect, but
You're doing the best
That you can.
Darla Peterson, will you come
with me
when I go to space tomorrow?
You won't go to space tomorrow.
But we are going to space?
I don't mean to pester you.
You are a busy woman doing
important work.
[gurgling noises]
I think I'll up your Moca Mola
intake.
I am so glad I have you to talk
while I...orgasm your
tax bill away.
Menage.
What is Menage?
It's the word I'm using to
describe what you do for people.
It's not sex, it's Menaging.
It's more professional,
sounds like a spa treatment
or something.
Why do you make so many boxes
of various sizes?
They're called Kitty Kaskets.
They're for cats.
People come to me to bury their
cats in a
beautiful, personalized casket.
Why do people have cats,
Darla Peterson?
For companionship.
Do you have me for
companionship?
No.
We're business partners.
Oh.
[eerie music plays]
[Guy on phone] -Nobody buys
carbonated soda in
that size Ms. St. Clair.
That's Mrs. St. Clair.
-Sorry about that
Mrs. St. Clair
You buy the flavored syrup
in a highly concentrated form,
And then it gets mixed
with carbonated water at the
soda
How many bags you want?
Five?
-Minimum order is 50.
-Okay good let me put you on
hold for a second
while I get some paperwork.
[]
I am looking forward to my Moca
Mola syrup, Darla Peterson.
[knock on door]
Soda delivery for-
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. It's my first day.
I didn't.
Darla?
[scoffs]
You're not Brittney St. Clair.
Are you?
That's what I thought.
So...
Whatcha needing with all
this syrup, huh?
What do you got under that tarp?
Dead body?
You haven't changed a
single bit.
He wants from you,
Darla Peterson.
It's a sentient kombucha mother
that grants mind-blowing orgasms
Fine Darla, don't tell me.
[quirky music plays]
[sniffs]
[retches and coughs]
Did you get fired from that
World w*r II salvage operation?
Yeah.
[laughs]
And then I was at a nunnery
making Gouda.
Then I was at an office for a
year doing human resources,
just getting life experiences,
going with the flow, you
know, until the next idea comes.
Like Kitty Kasket!
You know perfectly
well Kitty Kasket was my dream.
I never said it wasn't.
I was the one who looked up
every single municipality's
rules and regulations
on pet receptacle disposal.
And yet it's you with the huge
tax debt.
How did you know about-?
-How did you know about-?
-Leona.
I got waffles with her
the other day.
Just offer him a Menage,
Darla Peterson,
and bury the hatchet.
[birds chirping]
I need you.
You need me?
I think...
Mother said
'space'?
Did she say anything else?
What the f*ck though, Darla?
We talk all the time
because of our special bond.
I thought we were just
business partners.
I'm going to take some of this.
To my guy!
He runs a kombucha blog.
Maybe Stu Fu's guy can help me
get to 's p a c e'.
You know what?
You're going to get into
that shower
and wash every bit of that pool
your body.
While I watch.
[shower running]
Hey, can I come by tomorrow
to try and talk with her?
You can teach me how.
Darla.
Darla, this is the most
important discovery
in the history of mankind.
You know that, right?
Yes, I'm aware.
Okay.
-Okay.
-Okay.
[upbeat music plays]
[Darla reads] Have you ever
painted yourself into a corner?
Not metaphorically.
You have actually
painted your bedroom floor
and realized you are trapped.
Where...did you...COME FROM?
Why is Stu Fu shouting at me,
Darla Peterson?
Sexual experiment number 002.
[Darla reads] What do you do?
Do you walk through the
wet paint,
ruining your shoes, the floor
and your entire afternoon?
I'm ready Mother.
[Darla reads] Or do you sit
and wait for the paint to dry
so you can walk out of the room
like a reasonable adult?
[Stu orgasms]
[bubbling sounds]
I think I came.
Does Mother speak only English?
Stu Fu is a dud, Darla
Peterson.
Wouldn't it be cool to name
the 129th flavor,
you'd be remembered
for all time.
Oh, did I tell you that I'm a
model now?
I'm not like a regular model,
like on the runway,
but I do have very
attractive and discreet parts of
body that get used
for TV and print ads
all the time.
Like that. Look familiar?
This bad boy is on a huge
billboard on I39 for wart cream!
Yeah, it's super lucrative.
I just drive that truck around
for my uncle for fun.
That's how you have the money?
Oh, yeah.
This one right here.
Is paying my rent
for the next six months.
Makes sense.
[upbeat music plays]
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Stu.
Stu.
-Stop it.
-Stop it.
You're copying me.
-You're copying me.
-You're copying me.
No, you are copying me.
No, you are copying me.
You're copying me.
You're copying me.
-No you're copying me.
[both] You know exactly what
you're doing.
[both] You're copying me.
[both] Why did you have to do
that,
we had such a wonderful moment.
[both] and then you just
ruined it with your immature-
You used to think that
was so funny.
I don't anymore.
You've always been lucky
in life, Darla.
There is no such thing as luck.
There's pluck,
and determination, and
dedication,
and perseverance,
and persistence, and tenacity,
and moxie, and gumption,
and grit.
and persistence, and
purposefulness,
and spit, and vinegar.
Okay.
Same time tomorrow?
-Yes.
-Okay.
[eerie music plays]
Darla Peterson, did you know,
that with your age,
height, and personality,
-[message chimes]
-you are more likely to die of
loneliness than of old age?
[message chimes]
I love you, Darla Peterson.
[Leona's voice] I'm glad you're
dating Stu again.
[Darla's voice] How did
you find me?
Find your phone app. Duh, Darla.
So, have you made your
money back yet
so you can come home?
It's our money for your debt.
That's precisely why I'm here.
Did you know?
The shipping container in
the warehouse
belongs to Advanced Dialectics
of Decay, AD&D...
They're a yeast derivatives
company.
Yeast. Do you know what
that means?
Do you know what that means?
Yeah! Somebody was hiding
that yeast container at Arnot's.
You stole yeast from somebody
who stole it from AD&D.
And?
And they're probably motivated
to get the thing back
and give us a reward.
No more tax debt.
Well, I made $27,000 last week.
Well, snotty face I made $10,000
for Nana Darla's ring.
So there!
Did you ask Nana Darla if you
could do that?
That's an heirloom!
I need you home for when I take
my test at the DMV.
God, if you really need my
help so much.
why do you find me
so horribly incompetent?
Ohhhhh growwww up!
Oh great! I will grow up!
Have a niccce rest of you
lifffe.
[car peals away]
[bubbling sounds]
[mysterious music plays]
Darla Peterson.
Darla Peterson.
Darla Peterson.
I know you are not asleep.
[lamp clicks]
What?
Have you heard of
a man called Musk comma Elon?
Yes.
Have you forgotten that we were
going to help me get to space?
No, I have not forgotten.
If I menage Musk Elon, maybe
he can also help me get to
space.
Maybe he will.
Why doesn't Leona pay the taxes
if she is the reason
for the debt?
She doesn't have any money.
She has investments.
She doesn't have investments.
She won big at the casino,
she counted it as income
on Kitty Kasket,
And then she put it all on
red and lost it.
And now Kitty Kasket is in debt.
And I'm in debt.
She just doesn't know I know.
That is 'centrifuge,' Darla
Peterson.
It's 'subterfuge'.
Now go to bed.
[lamp clicks]
-[upbeat music plays]
-[clipping noise]
That's too many towels,
Brittney.
Another week, please.
I see it all.
Good.
That's your job.
That's 315.
-[distant dog barking]
-[traffic noise]
[Darla hums]
[footsteps]
[humming]
[door creaks open]
Mr. Pickens?
[bubbling sounds]
You stole her from me.
Don't you have your own
Mother at the warehouse?
She died.
Mother can die?
Hi. Are you Mrs. St. Clair?
Oh, I'm a little early.
Yes. I don't have you 'til
half past.
You'll have to come back.
Right...
Completely understand.
I'll come back later.
You do that.
Mr. Pickens, Mother wanted
to come with me.
Nobody ever picks Arnot.
Why?
How did you even know
she was here?
I followed Leona.
She kept asking all these
questions about the...
storage container and
who had dropped it off and
the Advanced Dialectics of Decay
and whether I have been eating
enough potassium lately,
and she doesn't care about any
of those things usually.
Does this mean that AD&D
is following me-
That's enough questions...
Darla.
Did you ask Mother what
she wants?
You told her not to speak to me.
I didn't.
Arnot Pickens, I will
speak to you.
Are you sure Mother?
Arnot and I have things
to discuss.
I want an orgasm too.
Yeah. Ok...
Arnot Pickens.
Well, you enjoy your orgasm,
Mr. Pickens.
Thank you.
I just...
I bought some pie...
I'll just be having a slice
outside.
-I'd like you to leave, please.
-Okay.
A man may die,
nations may fall...
But Mother...
is always there.
[ominous music starts]
-[laughs]
-Oh, yeah.
[phone vibrates]
[Charity] Hey, Darla, it's
Charity again.
You have 17 days
to pay the IRS.
Yay! I love the number
seventeen-
[ominous music continues]
Mr. Pickens I'm coming in now.
Mr. Pickens?
Mr. Pickens?
Mr. Pickens.
I'm coming into the bathroom...
We'll have to reschedule.
[bubbling sounds]
[slime sounds]
Mother, what did you do?
I dismantled him.
He annoyed me.
You can't just...you can't just
k*ll everybody who annoys you.
People will be looking for him.
You're shouting at me.
I'm not shouting.
I did not k*ll him.
He is here with me.
Just when we were making
some good money...
And now we got a super powerful,
probably unethical
yeast derivatives company
after us and you go and do this?
We gotta scram.
I know where to go,
Darla Peterson.
I will keep you safe.
Don't you want to make the
money for your little business,
Darla Peterson?
Yeah. Ok.
You saw nothing.
[quirky music plays]
[phone vibrating]
Your phone is ringing
Darla Peterson.
Ahhhhh!
-[Leona] Darla?
-Yes?
I've been thinking about it all
day and
and I'm telling you, giving
that
horrible yeast mother back to
Advanced Dialectics of Decay,
is the way to put this whole
tax thing to bed.
And well, I don't know...
I may contact them myself
if you don't see it my way.
And Darla, one more-
[]
[grunting]
[]
Okay, where?
Backwards.
Straight.
Stu.
Left.
Darla Peterson,
will you tell me again the
story of when you were little
and you got stuck in an
overflow pipe?
[bubbling noise]
[Darla] Mother, we've been
driving all night, and I hate
driving.
Which way?
Left.
[]
[Mother] Here.
You dummy, this is Mr. Pickens's
own house.
This is where Arnot likes
to scram.
[footsteps]
[keys clattering]
[floor creaking]
[plastic rustles]
[footsteps]
[sighs]
No one is looking for
Arnot Pickens.
[inhales and exhales sharply]
[crickets chirping]
-[soft music plays]
-I had my first ever dream last
night.
I saw a bird with a red face
and a black beak.
When I dream a second time,
will it be the same dream
dream as the first one?
Does this bird exist in real
life, Darla Peterson?
[pen scratching]
Have you made $349,000.22 yet,
Darla Peterson?
Does it look like we've made
$349,000.22?
[bubbling sounds]
The answer is no, Mother.
Okay, we're very far away
from $349,000...
You know, somebody had to
absorb somebody at the motel.
Was that someone you?
[inhales deeply]
I will get the money.
And get me to space?
Yes and get you to space.
But would you mind just putting
a pause on the space talk?
I just need to clear my
head, alright?
Anything is possible when
You have a fan.
Anything is possible when
You have a fan.
Tomatoes aren't perfect,
But they're doing the
Best they can.
-[mosquito buzzes]
-[Darla] Ahh!
Anything is possible when
You have a fan.
-Oh God, I hate NATURE!
[flaps lips]
Tomatoes aren't perfect,
But they're doing the
Best they can.
[car door shuts]
[exhales sharply]
[crickets chirping]
-[birds chirping]
-[message chimes]
[tranquil music plays]
I have a great idea.
We come to you...
[bubbling sounds]
Darla.
Did you know the figure-eight
maneuver is the most efficient
way to clean any surface?
I love to clean.
Mr. Pickens...
You don't seem very surprised
to see me.
I am very surprised to see me.
Are...you...you?
I'm a scohy.
A symbiotic culture of human
and yeast.
I regrew him to help us
get to space.
Since when can you make
duplicates of people?
Recently.
What were you thinking-
You have been unhappy with me
since yesterday.
Even though I saved you.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Are you sorry too?
No. I am not.
-[Darla] Hey, do you remember
how to drive?
[coat rustles]
-[upbeat music plays]
-Welcome to the latest
innovation in discreet pleasure.
The Mobile Menagery.
We come to you!
[Arnot] -Owwweee.
Please be careful, Mr. Pickens.
I can't be getting blood
everywhere.
-Anything's possible
If you got a fan
Tomat...potato...tom-
-Tomat...potato...tom-
-It's tomatoes.
-[both singing]
-Don't have to be a part Of
The plan.
Do you remember where you live
and where you work?
I remember where I live
and where I work.
You are going to drive back to
the warehouse to pretend that
you were on a vacation.
I do not have a tan.
Please drive carefully and
never return.
Okay. Bye.
[]
Pew!
Pew!
[phone keys typing]
[message chimes]
I'm a human yeast symbiote.
[bubbling sounds]
No more Arnot Pickenes okay?
We don't need him.
If you won't help me go to
space then Arnot Pickens will.
I'm helping you get to space.
Look, I'm emailing Elon Musk
right now, okay?
It just...it takes a while to
get a famous person's
contact information.
Is the Martian also famous?
Who's the Martian?
The Martian called, Matt Damon.
Yes, I can...
I'll make a note to email
him as well.
Please, Darla Peterson. No
centrifuge.
It would hurt my feelings.
[Arnot] Tomatoes can get their
feelings hurt, too.
Did you know that?
That's where the saying 'having
a thin skin' comes from.
Are you eating tomatoes because
Mother knows that I hate them?
They're screaming.
-[eerie music plays]
-[squishing noises]
[exhales]
Good night, Darla Peterson.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
[phone beeps]
[message chimes]
[softly screams]
[Darla] I, for one, am excited
Mother.
Aren't you excited?
This'll be fun.
This is a very one-sided deal,
Darla Peterson.
[quirky music plays]
[hands slap]
Mobile Menagery for Jerry Foote!
[blood-curdling scream]
[more screaming]
[]
[Darla] What happened?
Jerry Foote does not want to
go to space either.
800, 900, 1,000.
We value the customer experience
to the fullest, and that
includes getting a full refund
when things go awry...
I'm ready.
[van door slides open]
It's...uh...it's not working.
-Oh...!
-Is that okay?
Uh...I'll go check.
Please just menage this client
and we'll talk when we're home.
No.
Do it.
No.
Do it.
No.
Do it!
No.
[whispering] Do it.
No.
f*ck you!
f*ck you, f*ck you Mother!
Do you want to go to
space or not?
f*ck you, Darla Peterson.
[Darla reads] Confrontations
with people you love
can be tricky.
If you do it the wrong way,
you may lose a friend forever.
That is why it is important
to let your loved one know
the many, many,
many ways they are wrong.
[tranquil music plays]
Morocco is beautiful.
That's not Morocco, Mr. Pickens.
[Arnot] Here are the
rockets to space.
This is the man
who vomits.
The crying woman.
The man who is
your lover.
And Darla,
this is you.
Do you remember your life,
Mr. Pickens?
I have forgiven my enemies
and forgotten their names,
Darla Henderson.
[keys typing]
How's your book coming,
Mr. Pickens?
I am writing an email to
Musk comma Elon.
[Mother] Arnot Pickens is a
busy man.
Do not interrupt his
important work.
[ominous crows cawing]
[Arnot has laborous
breaths]
[his hands make
squishy sounds]
Owie.
[Mother] Arnot Pickens may need
assistance with his emails.
Oh, Mr. Pickens.
Oh, okay.
Mr. Pickens.
Oh Mr. Pickens.
I wanted to mail my email to
Musk comma Elon.
Now I feel a little funny.
[ominous music plays]
Ok, I need to...
I'm just gunna...stay here.
Don't...don't panic.
I'm just going to get some help.
[ominous music builds]
Oh! Oh, Mr. Pickens! I found
a wheelbarrow!
I found a wheelbarrow!
So that's gunna...
That will get us...
I'm just gunna get it moving
for us...
It's a...it's a driveway
situation so...
Here I come...here I come.
HERE I COME! [Darla struggles]
Turning...turning...
I made the turn...
I'm coming...I'm coming!
[ominous music intensifies]
[crowe cawing]
Mr. Pickens?
[squishy sounds]
[ominous music
gets louder]
Arnot Pickens was a
fruiting body.
All fruiting bodies decay.
I will make another Arnot
Pickens, and another
and another until I get
to space.
You know, I hate to tell you
this
but you are never going
to space.
But you said I would.
Your dream is completely
unrealistic and unachievable.
There's no water, there's no air
and there's no Moca Mola.
And...and most important,
there is no me!
You are shouting again.
Shouting is allowed in a
situation like this!
You know what? The only reason
that you
keep talking about space
is because Arnot Pickens
keeps talking about JFK!
Is paying $349,000.22 to the
IRS in 30 days,
a 'realistic and achievable'
dream, Darla Peterson?
[bubbling sounds]
[distant birds chirping]
[exhales]
[crickets chirping]
[Darla's phone buzzes]
[Charity on phone] Hey Darla,
you have eight days
left to pay the IRS. I know
it's a bit of a countdown
but hey, that's why you keep
me on payroll-
[Mother] I've been thinking,
Darla Peterson.
Space can wait.
Your taxes are more important.
[melancholic music begins]
[van door shuts]
[passing traffic noise]
[melancholic music gets louder]
[distantly] Tomatoes! Tomatoes!
No tomatoes.
That!
That! And That!
[]
[Door shuts]
[Mother] Darla Peterson, did
you know that all
Forbes 'Women of the Year'
are millionaires by the time
they are your age?
[Darla's phone buzzes]
Mobile Menagery, how may I
menage you today?
[Gruff voice] -This
Darla Peterson?
Speaking.
If you ever want to see your
Mother again,
we need our Mother back.
[pump dings]
Let's keep our current
respective Mothers
and call it even.
[pump dings]
[phone ringing]
[man's voice]
Advanced Dialectics & Decay
customer service helpline
how may I direct your call?
It's Darla Peterson.
I can't believe you just hung
up on me like that.
It's not my company.
I just do what they tell me.
Let's get something straight.
I'm calling the shots because I
don't care if I get Leona back,
How do I even know you
even have her?
[phone noise]
[Leona's voice] Darla? They
only have
single-ply toilet paper.
Get your hands off my
thermos bucko!-
[Mother] Are you in trouble,
Darla Peterson?
[Gruff voice] As you can see,
we mean business.
[Darla reads] The chapter on
acceptance was the most
difficult one for me to conceive
because I suffered
a personal tragedy while
writing it.
My marriage ended when I filed
for divorce because I could
no longer bear the guilt of the
hundreds of affairs I had
during our 35 years
of marriage.
My ex-husband forgave me.
But forgiving myself is
so very difficult
because it is so difficult
to accept acceptance.
[quirky music plays]
[book thuds]
I have something to tell you.
You were right.
I never intended on getting
you to space.
Okay?
I thought I could...
earn the money,
and in the meantime, figure out
the most humane
way of disposing of you.
I guess this is the end of
our adventure.
Darla Peterson. I think I would
like to menage.
[water splashing]
[exhales]
[disco music starts]
[disco music stops abruptly]
No, Darla Peterson.
Look around you.
[tranquil music plays]
[birds chirping]
[mystical soundscape]
[Darla moans]
[Darla moans]
[Darla moaning]
I love you.
Even though you do not
love me.
[moaning continues]
[wings flapping]
-[gasping]
-[water splashing]
I have an idea, Mother.
[Darla] First things first. We
need a new Arnot.
[phone ringing]
[Gruff voice] -Advanced
Dialectics & Decay
customer service helpline.
How may I direct your call?
It's Darla Peterson, returning
your call.
I will discuss an exchange with
one person who works for AD&D.
And it can't be you.
And it's got to be someone
not in the least bit
threatening in their appearance
or in their heart.
An intern maybe, someone who's
socially awkward, perhaps.
Do you have anyone like that?
Yes. How about Thursday night-
I call the shots!
Thursday works great actually,
I'll call you in the morning
with the location.
And in the meantime, if
anything happens to my Mother
I'm going to light a
big bonfire,
and I'm going to stick your
Mother in it!!!
[birds chirping]
[suspenseful music]
[Mother] Is this subterfuge,
Darla Peterson?
It's not subterfuge,
it's survival.
[Phil Foss on radio] I'm
in position.
-Any visual?
-Not yet.
[Mr. Foss] What's going on with
your Mom and
this psychiatrist guy?
Mom said I can't talk
about that.
Yeah, well...
Yeah, well...
It's way past your bedtime, so
You really shouldn't
be up right now.
[beeps]
[Phil Foss] They're alone,
Darla.
Just like you told them to be.
I'll keep a wide radius.
'Softly, softly, catchee
monkey', Mr. Pickens.
[suspenseful music continues]
[zooming sound]
[soap opera music]
[soap opera music fades out]
Brittney St. Clair???
You're with AD&D?
I'm not just the widely beloved
star of 27-time
Emmy Award-winning soap
opera 'Wild Urges',
I'm also a paid celebrity
spokesperson
for Advanced Dialectics
of Decay.
What happened in that episode
with Dieter...the chimp?
Oh he got physical therapy and
then he got
reunited with his wife.
[radio voice murmurs]
Did you AD&D has cornered nearly
23% of the market on
America's yeast-derived
products?
You'd be surprised the range
of products that are made
from yeast-based extracts.
Everything from plastic bags,
prescription drugs and...
carburetor fluid.
Carburetor fluid?
Whatever sordid activities
you're up to with 88b-
Hey, Mother gives lonely people
an outlet for their feelings.
She helps them, and not just
with carburetor fluid!
Enough with the chit chat.
-[car door beeping]
-Let's do this exchange.
They say.
[beeping stops]
[Leona] Gosh, use a sanitizer...
Follow the sound of my
voice Mom.
[Leona] Oh, I'm coming honey,
I'm on my way...
-[Leona] Oh, I'm coming honey,
I'm on my way...
-[Darla] Leona!!!
Mom!!!
Good evening, Dr. St. Clair.
Welcome.
Hi Brittney St. Clair!
I've got a screenplay that's
perfect for you.
They want me to menage
with Yeast 88b,
to find out if she's still
viable-
What in the hee haw is menage?
This is Menaging.
You will orgasm.
Jesus jiminy.
Is that okay with you Mother?
Yes, Darla Peterson.
Okay, first this...
and then maybe we could talk
about that screenplay?
[tranquil music plays]
[water splashing]
[hand ties clipping]
[distant sirens wailing]
Before we go...
Can I get Brittney St. Clair's
autograph?
I'm sure we can figure
something out.
[Brittney orgasms]
[motorcycle passing]
-[quirking music plays]
-Ugh.
If you ever need a casket
for your cat.
Oh, okay.
Isn't it ironic that you play a
character
on TV who saves animals
and I'm a real human being
who buries them?
I...I think so.
I've always thought of you as
an incredibly talented actress
and all around a wonderful
human being.
And my opinion of you doesn't
change just because you
represent a company that
kidnapped my Mom.
I've always thought you were
a wonderful human being too.
Even though I only met you
5 minutes ago.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Bye.
Okay bye.
[car engine starting]
[Mother] This is subterfuge,
Darla Peterson and I like it.
Time is not on your side,
Mr. Pickens.
You absolutely must get to your
destination
before you...well...die.
I'm sorry you keep dying and
being reborn Mr. Pickens.
It's Mother's money.
She earned it.
These are the keys to
many things.
All of them are yours.
Where do I drive, Darla?
Anywhere Mother wants.
[Arnot chuckles]
[traffic noises]
[Darla] Do you understand?
We have to separate.
Very soon they'll realize
that your essence remained here.
And then they're going to
turn you into carburetor fluid.
That's not okay.
You deserve space.
I understand, Darla Peterson.
[light quirky music plays]
[Darla] We can talk on the phone
maybe.
[Mother] I'd like that very
much, Darla Peterson.
Otherwise, I will miss you
too much.
What will you do now,
Darla Peterson?
Go back to cleaning
offices, declare bankruptcy...
No, Darla Peterson.
You will not declare
bankruptcy.
You will keep on with Kitty
Kasket because it is your dream
and you are very proficient
at making them.
[door opening]
[door slams]
Hey it's Charity Legitimate!
Welcome to Kitty Kasket.
Take a seat.
As your CPA, I am duty-bound
to inform you
that this warehouse you've been
gifted will solve your
tax problem this year. But next-
Charity. Have you been crying?
My cat Charlie. He's dead.
I am so sorry.
Um, again. Your tax problem this
year, solved.
Next year, you're fuc-
Charity. Let's talk about
Charlie's
favorite colors and hobbies.
Okay?
[Darla] Try not to turn evil
okay?
I'd feel really guilty if I
unleashed a
human-ending yeast mass.
[Mother] You mean like putting
an end to all the cats
in your local area
so that you will have thousands
and thousands
and thousands of new
caskets to create?
Yes, like that.
-[can opening]
-[pouring sound]
[light quirky music continues]
This seems like a good place
to scram, Mother.
I have made vast leaps
in my evolution.
And it is all because of you.
Darla Peterson,
will you sing with me?
Yeah, Ok.
[crickets chirping]
[Darla and Mother duet]
Anything's possible,
When you've got a fan.
Tomatoes don't have to
Be a part of the plan.
You may not be perfect
But you're doing
The best that you can .
Mother and Darla, together
In space.
The trip wasn't perfect, but
We did it our way .
We had some fun...
You kind of k*lled
Someone...
But for now, we'll say
'Yeah, Ok.'
[plopping sound]
[light music plays]
I want to introduce to you
our newest opportunity,
The 'Buy Now And
Bury Later' program.
The beauty of the 'Buy
Now Bury Later' program
is that you can use this
casket for all kinds of things
and you don't have to wait
until your cat is dead.
A box for your pet's toys.
Or your winter gear.
Or use it as a planter.
Or cleaning supplies.
Or your ex-lover's junk.
Act now and you'll become
an inaugural member of the
Buy Now Bury Later program.
[light music continues]
[music stops]
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Darla in Space (2024)
Moderators: Maskath3, sidolanters, GabrielAlejo2341
Watch on Amazon Sci-Fi Merch Collectables
Space, Time-travel, Futuristic, Aliens, Sci-Fi movie collection.
Space, Time-travel, Futuristic, Aliens, Sci-Fi movie collection.