04x07 - Valley of the Dolls

[bunniefuu]

- [OLIVER PUTNAM] Something happened today.
- [g*nsh*t]

[HOWARD MORRIS]
Oh, my God, they've been shot!

It's Glen, he's still alive!

- Zach!
- They got me in my fat!

All of you may have
heard about our little

"firearms moment" at the photo sh**t,

- but the show must go on!
- Woo!

Got me thinking.

I was gonna propose, and I choked.

- Ronnie's bonded with Loretta.
- Who's Ronnie?

- She's my Finsta.
- Oh, no!

I wanna spend whatever time
I have left with you.

[LORETTA DURKIN] [ON PHONE] Ugh...

Dudenoff? Not in Portugal. Nope.

He's been cashing social security checks
at a bodega on 125th Street.

- This is Sazz Pataki's remains.
- [GRAVEY BARKS]

[CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE]
Gravey, that's my friend!

[OLIVER] Here's her left shoulder.

- [CHARLES] No, it's not.
- Yeah. See? It says "left".

No. This one says "left". In Bulgarian.

There's two left shoulders?

They just identified
the other left shoulder!

It belongs to Dudenoff.
Dudenoff was m*rder*d.

We put hidden cameras
in our production office

and in your apartments.

- Whose camera is this?
- [TEXT DINGS]

"I'm watching you".

[OLIVER] We're not
safe in this building!

- [JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
- [NARRATOR] New York City.

- [TRAFFIC NOISE]
- It sucks.

It's a crime-ridden hellhole.

[CARS HONKING]

And don't hit me with that,
"The numbers don't bear that out", sh*t.

[CARS HONKING]

You ever get mugged by a number?

- Go, go, go!
- Where are we going?!

Out of the city! The k*ller
was in our apartments,

and filming us, which
makes him a perv, too.

Alright, alright.
Putnam, get in the zone.

Gotta craft the perfect...

poetic breakup text.
So far, I have, "It's over",

exclamation point, exclamation point,

followed by 10 more exclamation points.

You're breaking up with Loretta?

I've never seen someone worse
at being in a happy relationship.

Mabel, I showed her my soul,
and she said, "Ugh".

So I'm ripping off the Band-Aid
and taking my heart with it.

N-Now, drive faster.

Oh well, we don't even know
where we're going!

We gotta find a safe house,
and it can't be a hotel

because credit cards can be tracked.

[MABEL MORA] Well, what about
your sister on Long Island?

- The one whose daughters all have D names?
- [LINE RINGING]

I can't lead a k*ller to
my kid sister's house!

I thought her husband was a cop.

- [HOWARD] [ON PHONE] Hello.
- Howard? Hey, listen to me.

Um, don't tell anyone,

- but in case we, like, disappear...
- [HOWARD] Uh-huh.

... we went to Charles's
sister's in Patchogue.

Also, I need you to go to that bodega

and figure out who's been
cashing Dudenoff's checks.

- [HOWARD] Okay...
- Also, this tech-savvy psycho

could be tracking our movements!
Turn off your phone!

Oh, you're right. Bye, Howard.
Oliver, turn it off.

- Okay. Fine. Devastating text, sent.
- [TEXT WHOOSHES]

Okay, Doreen. Here we come.

[NARRATOR] Now, you want peace? Safety?

A good night's sleep because
you know your female loved ones

ain't gonna get punched
in the face at Gristedes?

♪ ♪

Well, my friend, there's only one county

on God's green earth for you.

The county of Suffolk.

Strong Island, baby!

Of course, uh, no place is perfect.

I should give you a little, uh,
heads up about my sister.

Uh, and I don't like saying this
about my own flesh and blood,

but she can be, uh, very...

uh, spontaneous?

- Ooh, sick burn.
- [OLIVER SNICKERS]

- [SPRINKLERS RUNNING]
- [DOGS BARKING]

["SCENES FROM AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT"
DOORBELL CHIMES]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

Ah!

Well, look who finally decided
to show up for Thanksgiving.

[DOREEN CHUCKLES]

Too bad it's April.

Come on.

[LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]

[VOCALIZING]

[THEME SONG FADES OUT]

- [INSECTS CHIRRING]
- [DOGS BARKING]

[ICE CLINKING IN GLASS]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

I like your dolls.

Oh, thank you. You know,

the big ones are very
hard to come by now.

Something about the supply chain, but...

Yeah, I started collecting after,
uh, Dawn's wedding.

And then, when Dina and
Danielle went to DeVry,

and then Dagmar, which is
my youngest, still a baby,

she really just left to wound me.

So, I guess you replaced
your children with dolls, huh?

Wow.

I have never made that connection.

[SLURPING]

[DOREEN] You are intuitive.

That is much more important
in a man than height.

- Thank you.
- Mm.

I always wondered what you look like.

You know, I know your voice
from the podcast,

but sometimes, I would,
uh, slow it down.

I'd deepen your register.

Then, I speed it back up, and you
sound like a little frisky chicken.

Ah...

Then slow it down again.
And then speed it up.

[EMOTIONAL] Then, slow it down.

And then, I speed it back up.

Where's Big Mike? We could
use a cop around here.

Well, I kicked him out again.

He's livin' on the boat in the driveway.

One too many nights at Can-Cans.

- [SCOFFS]
- [MABEL] Uh,

I feel like I'm gonna regret asking
this, but what is Can-Cans?

It's Hooters for butts.

I was right.

This is what I married. He's a pig.

Just hoggin' down mozzarelly
sticks, surrounded by

random women's mud flaps.

Oh, anyway, more room for you.

And no m*rder*r is ever gonna check here

'cause they know you're not
gonna come visit your sister!

Hey.

Oh, what are you gonna do? Inflict
another permanent injury on me?

- [CHARLES] Doreen, please.
- [DOREEN] Oh, my God, he's so sensitive.

Pardon me, I'm gonna get
you some fresh towels.

If you're gonna stay over,
you need towels!

- What are you, one or two?
- One.

[DOREEN] I thought so.

You're a two-towel guy. I can
tell that. You're gonna need it.

I want you dry.

- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [WALKING AWAY]

[WHISPERING] I'm scared.

[YELPS]

[OLIVER] Alright, Charles, can
you catch us up on the plot of...

"August: Suffolk County"?

It's probably what you would've guessed.

When Doreen was 3, I was
pushing her on a swing,

and I pushed her too hard,
and she flew off,

and ended up losing her spleen.

I wouldn't say that was exactly
what I would've guessed.

- No.
- She knows I feel terrible about it,

and she loves spleen-shaming me.

- Maybe this was a mistake.
- No, no, no, no, it's quiet here,

so we can work on the case
and hopefully not die.

[OLIVER] Does this gorgeous doll
remind you of anyone?

Braids, porcelain skin,

perky little set of...

Oliver! The case!

[OLIVER] You know what? You handle it.

'Cause I'm exhausted

and freshly heartbroken.

Charles?

Mabel, I have to come up
with a security plan!

- I need to make this place m*rder-proof...
- [DOLL WHINES]

... and then give law enforcement a, uh,

tactical appraisal of the situation.

You mean talk to the butt-lover
in the driveway boat?

Yes.

Meanwhile,

towels. You wanted two. There you go.

One towel.

[MABEL] "Can-Cans Wet Bench Night".

Oh, Long Island, you're so... you.

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SPRINKLERS HISSING]

[DOOR OPENS]

[QUIETLY] Big Mike?

It's Charles!

[BIG MIKE GROANS, GAGGING COUGHS]

- [RATTLING]
- I'm borrowing your toolbox.

[BEV MELON] I found you! Finally!

- I have left you so many messages!
- Bev?

[BEV] It's a good thing Howard knew
where you were. So listen,

this is serious. The studio is asking

if the Brothers Sisters are the K*llers.

If they are the K*llers,
I have to fire them.

If they might be, but we can't prove it,

that is a gray area that I can
sell. So, what is it? Tell me.

It's definitely not them... I think.

Okay, he says they're not
the K*llers. He's right here.

He seems, like, 60% sure.

That sounds low?

Well, 50% of one margarita was enough

for you to flash your boobs
at the Fabelmans premiere.

Bev, this is an emergency safe house
situation, so I need your phone.

He did see them, Monica!

He saw 100% of both of them!

[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

What? Oh, my God!

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

Oliver, what are you doing?

[OLIVER] Mabel, not now!

I'm busy with an urgent new mystery.

The whereabouts of Johnnie Walker.

Well, I'm just trying
to find a place to work

that isn't filled with dolls.

- [BEV] [OUTSIDE] Oh, my God.
- I mean, it's so creep...

[BEV] With that little baby voice...

Is that Bev Melon?

Howard, come on!

Okay. Hey, am I to believe people
suffer a life in Patchogue sober?

Ah, of course not. Bar she blows.

[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]

- Hey. Okay, I'll call you back, bye.
- Bev, what are you doing here?

- [SLAMS PHONE]
- We're dead. We're all f*cking dead,

that's what I'm doing here.
I don't f*cking know.

Wh-What do you mean? What happened?
Is there someone out there?

[BEV] No. I wish it was
so simple, Mabel.

The studio is talking about

pulling the plug on the movie

because of all the "catastrophes".

I'm stressed, okay?!

I gotta figure this out! It's
stressful! I'm f*cking, like,

losing my sh*t, okay?

And I'm starving right now!

I'm so hungry. Ugh, that looks gross.

I need something substantial.

You know what? I think I saw pizza crust

on the driveway boat,
I'll be right back.

- [DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]
- What is my life?

[SIGHS]

- [YELPS, LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]

- My apologies. I...
- Oh, no.

I just had a craving
for a Tulsa Torpedo.

- Oh.
- I mean, but I see that

you've misplaced your
watermelon liqueur.

Oh, why don't I make you
one of my signature c*ck?

Okay? Lemme just...
Right behind you. If I...

- I almost got it. Here we go.
- [AWKWARD LAUGH]

I think you are going to like.

This is mostly entirely
vodka and Crystal Light.

You know, I call it a Sweaty Betty.

Named it after my dear friend,
also named Betty,

uh, who also happens
to sweat like a pig.

Uh-huh...

So... there we go.

And Crystal Light,
if you dunk anything in it,

- it's a great exfoliant.
- Uh...

- Ah.
- A long pour...

- Ah...
- ... for my short king.

- Well, here's to Betty.
- Oh, Betty was a wh*re.

Okay.

[DOREEN] Mm...

- [OLIVER SNORTS]
- Can you believe it?

Oh my, that's...

- Mm. I know.
- Oh! Th-That is...

[SUCKS TEETH] Okay...

- Now...
- [OLIVER GRUMBLING]

... I can't help but notice
you seem like something's

maybe bothering you. Is it Charles?

W-Well, no. Uh... Well,

usually yes, but, uh,

uh, this time, it's a breakup.

A relationship done in by my...

one tragic flaw.

Too handsome?

Well, th-there's that, but it's also...

I-I'm simply too...

emotionally available.

[EXCITED SIGH]

["SCENES FROM AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT"
DOORBELL CHIMES]

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

Actors? Now what are you doing here?

[ZACH GALIFIANAKIS]
Howard told us you would be here.

People don't keep secrets
from the famous.

What are you doing here?

Uh, I'm hiding out from the k*ller.

Oh, so you thought, "Hey,
why don't we leave the actors

to die with a psychopath"?

Pretty sure the k*ller is
after us, not you guys.

I would reconsider that.
Just a gut feeling.

[MABEL] Oh!

[ZACH] I escaped the hospital
to come here.

Well, go back to the hospital!
And for you guys,

I need some quiet to work
on the case, okay?

- I'm sure there's lovely local hotels.
- [EVA LONGORIA] No, no, no, no.

You are contractually responsible
for our safety, so we're staying.

Fine! Then pick a doll,
amuse yourselves,

and give me your phones.

- [MABEL SIGHS]
- [ACTORS CHATTERING]

[OLIVER] I mean...

I thought that I wanted
a creative counterpart.

Yeah. Yeah.

A Verdon to my Fosse.
A Fleetwood to my Mac.

Oh.

Maybe what I really want...

is just someone I can hold

- and adore, you know?
- [DOREEN SIGHS]

- Like a doll.
- [OLIVER GRUNTS]

- Sure. Sure, like a doll.
- Like a doll.

How'd you meet your husband?

You know what, this is...
shouldn't be here.

[OLIVER GRUNTS]

[SIGHS] Well,

you know, it was actually...

a pretty classic meet-cute. It was...

[SIGHS] inside the port-a-potty
at Jones Beach.

["SCENES FROM AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT"
DOORBELL CHIMES]

- [DOREEN SCOFFS]
- Someone should get that

before we have to hear it again.

Alright. Ooh, I'm like a turtle.

- Gimme a little help. There we go.
- Oh, lemme help you. There you go.

[GRUNTING] Okay. Okay.

[BOTH YELPING]

Oh, Mr. Putman! [LAUGHS]

[DOOR OPENS]

[LORETTA] Hello...

- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [DOREEN] Oh. Let yourself in.

What on earth?

[NERVOUS LAUGH] Hi.

I j... I just got caught in
her macramé duster.

Oh, is that what the kids
are calling it now? [LAUGHS]

This one. What a tease, huh?

[OLIVER] Loretta,
how did you find out...

Howard! Of course, it was Howard.

I called repeatedly, straight
to voicemail every time.

So, I got on a six-hour flight,

middle seat,

just so I could ask you
why you thought you could...

break up with me over text.

Uh... Loretta...

what are you talking about?

I poured my heart out to you

on the phone, and you went, "Ugh".

When did this happen?

- Yesterday. Yes...
- No, you didn't.

A-A day that will live in ugh-famy.

[SIGHS] What time was it?

I don't know, lunch?

- Devastation o'clock.
- Your lunch or my lunch?

I-It was your lunch, my second Cosmo.

Oh! [LAUGHS]

Oh, I-I love that my pain
is so amusing to you.

- That is just so appreciated.
- [LORETTA WHEEZING]

- No! Oh, Oliver.
- [JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]

I think you talked to my stand-in.

- What? Sorry, what?
- Yeah.

Because I'm wrapped in gauze,
and my stand-in is wrapped in gauze,

so I think the-the PA gave my cellphone

[LAUGHING] to the wrong burn victim.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- I mean... No, no.
- So, that wasn't you?

I don't think you're ugh. [SIGHS]

I think you're...

[SEDUCTIVE UGH, GIGGLES]

What I can say other than...

- [PURRS]
- [LORETTA LAUGHS]

- Oh, Ollie!
- [OLIVER LAUGHS]

- Oh, I missed you. I missed you.
- I missed you. I missed you, too.

- So... Doreen.
- Oh.

Doreen? Well, Doreen is Charles' sister.

Is she someone...

that I should be worried about?

Everyone should be worried about Doreen.

[DOREEN] Careful, Upchuck!

[LAUGHS] Oh,

you need me to help you nail
your fingers to the house, huh?

These windows won't lock,
so I'm trying to nail them shut.

Just trying to keep
everybody in one piece.

Well, it's a little late
to keep me in one piece.

I asked the doctor
if I could give you my spleen,

and he said it wasn't necessary

because spleens aren't necessary.

Oh, come on. I was just razzin' you.

I don't even remember the accident!

[SIGHS] You know what
I remember? One of my...

probably fondest memories is...

God, I must've been, what, 5?

Mom was taking me

- to see my big brother...
- [NAIL DROPS, CLATTERS]

... in one of his first plays.

You were so good.

You were always meant to be
Mr. Hollywood someday, huh?

[HAMMERING CONTINUES]

[SHOUTING] Are you
even listening to me?!

I'm sorry. I just can't have
a conversation right now.

Everyone I know is either
dead or in danger

because of me and my stupid podcast,

so I have to keep my attention
focused on these nails!

- [LIGHT HAMMERING]
- Why are you always mad at me?!

I'm not mad at you.

Wait, wait, wait, are you...
are you crying?

Oh, please don't cry.

I can cry if I want to!

Just because you,
Mr. No-Emotion-Robot-Man, doesn't!

I-I control myself.

Oh, wh-what's that?
Implying that I'm crazy?!

- I didn't say that.
- Don't deny it.

- Well, I didn't say that.
- Don't!

I said don't!

Don't deny it! Not do deny it!
I said don't deny it!

TikTok calls it gaslighting.

And you're full of gas,
and it's an epidemic!

Every man in my life
thinks that because I have

just actual and real emotions
that I'm crazy!

But, you know what?
There's a little man,

a tiny, little man downstairs right now

who appreciates a woman with
a nice, big set of emotions.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]

And be gentle with Jill!
She's Victorian.

[EUGENE LEVY] We're bored.

- Whatcha doing? Checking out the semen?
- What?

Where there's m*rder,
there's semen. CSI 101.

We can help, you know.
We're not children.

And can you open this snick-snack?
My assistant's not here.

Okay, I need to work on the case.

So, um, could you actors maybe run lines

or do Ozempic, whatever you guys do?

[LORETTA] Don't wanna interrupt you.

[LAUGHS] Just need a little nibble.

- Eugene?
- [SHUTS FRIDGE]

It's me! Loretta.

Loretta... ?

Loretta Durkin. [LAUGHS]

We did Summerstock together.
Saskatoon '82.

- Um...
- [LORETTA LAUGHS]

We did that stage adaptation
of James Bond's Moonraker.

I mean, I'm trying to place
the face, but, uh,

I'm coming up empty.

I was Lieutenant Holly Goodhead.

That was my...

Zach!

I adored you in Baskets.

Why, thank you very...
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Sorry, I have a hole
inside of me. [GROANS]

Um, nobody's complimented me yet, so...

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Yeah, sure.

Hey, I'm sorry, it's just the actors
wanna help with the case.

- Yeah.
- Um,

do you think you can
take them out to play

or distract them with your keys?

[SIGHS] Okay, but I think
you're making a big mistake.

Actors are investigators, you know.

Of the human condition.

LA did this to you in two weeks?

[SIGHS] Just let them in. Come on.

- You never know, it might help.
- [DOOR OPENS]

- [MABEL] Bev!
- [BANGING DOOR]

Bev! Okay... Thank God!

I'm gonna need you

to entertain some movie actors.

- [KISS SMACKS] You're a sweetie.
- Thanks.

[IN AFFECTED ACCENT]
I would love to hang with actors!

Where are the "actors"?

Actors, all sitting together,
talking about their craft!

Hey, actors!

f*ck you!

Can I, um... You want
some drink of water?

[CHILDISH] Okay, Mom.

[NORMAL] f*ck you, TV actor.

[GASPS] You know my work?

"Work"? Let me sum up
the quality of your

"acting ability" in one word.

[BLOWING RASPBERRY]

Oh.

[BEV] I'm sick of this bullshit
studio, and the script

with its bullshit plot holes,
and all you self-centered actors,

memorizing your lines,

and your little baby set slippers,

eating your special actor's food.

I was shot! And I bet it's infected!
I am weeping fluid here!

Oh, my God, Zach, cut it out!

All you do is complain.

"I'm a self-centered Greek Smurf", and,

"I-I got hit by a sn*per,
and now I have a boo-boo!"

I can't take it anymore, bro!

[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm done with Hollywood!

- Middle child.
- Single mom.

Low thyroid. No, high. High thyroid.

[BEV] Three for three, f*ck!

See?

Detectives.

[LORETTA AND MABEL GIGGLE]

Okay, fine.

Actors, let's talk case.

[STREET NOISE]

- [CLERK SIGHS]
- [HOWARD] Come on, man.

Look, I just need to see

who is cashing my close
personal friend's checks.

- No.
- I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that.

Please! Please, let me just
have a look at that ledger.

Sorry, it's against our policy.

You're a bodega. You barely
have a hand-washing policy.

[CAT MEOWS]

[HOWARD SIGHS]

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh.

You trained a cat to guard your store?

Sí. Gazpacho's tough.

Well, how would you like
for him to be a guest

on the soon-to-be number one
animal labor podcast in the country?

[GAZPACHO MEOWS]

[HOWARD] Dudenoff!

[GASPS]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPS]

Another Dudenoff.

These signatures don't match at all.

[GASPS]

Mabel, pick up, pick up,
pick up, oh, my God.

[MABEL] It all happened
the night that Sazz died.

Then the k*ller texted us, "I'm
watching you", so we came here.

There. Now, you know everything we know.

Okay, great, we'll take it from here.

Oh yeah, you think you got this?

Mabel, you really have no idea

about the breadth of our skill set here.

Only 3% of our time is devoted

to the actual job.

The rest is spent developing talents

that would be helpful in
a character's backstory, like, uh...

[IN BAD SOUTHERN DRAWL] I don't really
cotton to Northern types, y'hear?

[NORMAL] You know, dialects.

I can skin a deer.
Somebody get me a deer.

I can do card tricks.

You guys are all such treasures,

and I cannot wait to hear
what you come up with,

so, um, pick a room.

I'll be in a different one.

[HUMMING]

- [PUTS DOWN GLASSES]
- [OLIVER] Ooh, welcome back, my little...

- What?
- [SLAMS DOOR]

Surprise!

See what I'm trying out?

To extend our time
together a little bit?

See? 'Cause look what I found. [GASPS]

The watermelon liqueur!

Oh, thanks, but I-I'm good.

And I think that's A.1. Sauce.

Oh. Either way. [LAUGHS]

[LORETTA] Oh.

Didn't mean to interrupt.

Loretta, please, interrupt.

Uh, Doreen, uh, if you can...

- [STAMMERING]
- Yes.

So, we have a long-distance
relationship,

so every second together is precious.

[DOREEN] Oh. Oh.

Okay, so we're... we're
best buds until Heidi...

shows up, and then what
am I? I'm dog meat?

You know, I'm just tired of
everybody jerkin' me around!

Nobody's jerking anybody around.

[SCOFFING] Yeah, I think
people are jerking!

- Ow!
- Doreen!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I-I'm being rejected by my husband.

I'm being rejected by your boyfriend.

My own brother doesn't wanna talk to me!

I'm... [HEAVY BREATHS]

I put hands on you!

[LORETTA] Aw...

- Poor thing.
- Oof.

But you can't blame her

for being attracted to Oliver
Putnam. You are a magnet.

- [LAUGHS] Well...
- [LAUGHS] Thanks.

- [GLASSES CLINK]
- [BOTH LAUGH]

- [LORETTA] Mm-hmm.
- [OLIVER] Mm...

- [PUTS DOWN GLASS]
- Okay.

[SOFT PIANO PLAYING]

- Hey. Uh...
- [OLIVER] Here we are at the piano again.

- [STOPS PLAYING]
- I'm just, I'm a little bit jealous

of whatever it was you said
to my stand-in yesterday.

On the phone.

Oh, it was just... I just...

I think you had to be there.

- Yeah. [GIGGLES] But, what'd you say?
- [AWKWARD LAUGH]

Well, I-I just, uh...

I just said that when we
were at that party in LA,

- you know, in that strange fire pit...
- Ah, yeah.

... that, uh, I almost... [INHALES]

proposed to you.

You wh... You what?

Well, it was just a
spur-of-the-moment thing.

You know, I mean, you were going to LA,

- a-and I was afraid of losing you.
- Oh, yeah.

No, no, I-I don't mean I don't want to.

Loretta, I adore you. I've been...

spinning out of control
trying to stay close to you.

- I mean, really I... [STAMMERING]
- [LORETTA GIGGLES]

I even invented a crafty
heartland Insta-grammy

j-just to see what you were up to.

A what?

[IN MIDWESTERN ACCENT]
"The only way to be yourself

is to find yourself, yourself".

Oh, my God, you're Ronnie?

- Yeah. I...
- Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. [GASPS]

I connected with Ronnie.

- [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
- I-I-I...

took screenshots of her memes. I-I...

I told her things.

- And she appreciated all of them. She...
- Oh.

So, you, what, you stalked me,
and then you tricked me,

and then you... were
going to propose to me,

but only because you were scared,

and then you broke up with me over text?

[HEAVY BREATHS]

Well, when you list them
all in a row like that...

I need a minute. [CRYING]

Loretta! I...

[SIGHS]

- [BANGS PIANO]
- [GRUNTS] f*ck.

[INSECTS CHIRPING OUTSIDE]

[PHONE SWOOSHING]

Oh, goddammit.

[SWOOSHING CONTINUES]

Hello.

Uh...

I should... No, I-I want to apologize.

I was outta line before.

Crystal Light got on top of me.

Yeah, well, [WEAK LAUGH]

we all have our moments.

S-So, um...

seems like things aren't going too
well for you and your little man.

I think my little man...

might be crazy.

Okay, what is it with everybody
thinking that anyone

who feels is crazy?

I mean, maybe, maybe he's not crazy.

M-Maybe he's just emotional!

You know, and isn't that
better than not feeling enough?

I mean, his heart is an open book!

[SIGHS] Yeah, maybe you're right.

- [LAUGHS] Maybe you're right.
- Maybe, huh?

What do I know, maybe. Or
maybe I'm just a stupid idiot!

Calm down now.

Okay, don't tell me to calm down.

Okay, why don't you go
back to Beverly Hills?!

Whoa! [LAUGHS]

Listen, I rent a studio in Burbank.

You know, it's under a Whole Foods.

I don't need you throwing
your rich b*tch sh*t in my face.

You need to calm down, really.

You need to get out of my house,

- you Hollywood hussy!
- [LORETTA SCREAMS]

- [DOREEN GRUNTING]
- [LORETTA YELPS]

What is this? What is...

- [DOREEN] Get... Stop resisting!
- Whoa!

Stay away from me! No,
what are you doing to me?!

I don't know why you're
eatin' your braids!

- Oh, my God!
- [DOREEN] Why you eatin' 'em?

- Why you eatin' your braids, huh? Oh!
- [MUFFLED YELLING]

She was in Moonraker.

[GASPS] My pacemaker.

My pacemaker!

- My pacemaker.
- I didn't know you had a pacemaker.

- Oh, my God. Oh.
- [LORETTA GASPING]

Oh, my God, I didn't know!

- I didn't know.
- [GASPING, SIGHS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[GIGGLES] I was acting. [GASPS]

- Not very good.
- And I took stage combat

with Sensei Brian.

- Ha!
- [DOREEN YELLS]

Oh, my tooth! [WHIMPERS]

I should stop this!

Who wears a train in their own house?

- [DOREEN] Oh God!
- No, no, no, I shouldn't!

[SCREAMING, FIGHTING]

- Come here, baby! Ah!
- [OLIVER] My God!

What was in that Crystal Light?
Bath salts?

[FIGHTING, SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Hey, Doreen!

- [DOREEN] Get her off me!
- [EVA] You gotta bridge!

You're gonna have to get your hand
in there for a chokehold.

- [WHIPPING]
- Bridge! Come on, k*ll!

- [SCREAMING]
- [OLIVER] Whoa, whoa, easy, ladies!

Get off me! Get off me!

No need to fight over me
like Loni Anderson and Charo!

- Get off me! [CHOMPS]
- Ow! [GROANS]

[DOREEN] Who's the
chocolate Swiss Miss...

- Get away, you b*tch!
- Are you sorry?

I'm sorry you're on me!

[PANTING]

I'm sorry, too.

[DOREEN WINCES]

[ADHESIVE RIPPING]

[CHARLES] Hey. You know, Doreen, uh...

I'm a little worried about you.

- Is that alright?
- Yeah.

I mean, your husband
lives in the driveway,

and you're fighting with a TV actress,

and you're, you're stuck
on this thing I did

when you were a toddler.

Oh, my God, f*ck the spleen.

Come on, I make jokes about it

because it's not a big deal.

It's not funny to me.

I mean, y-you were so little,
and I was... I was 19.

And that day at the hospital,

Mom wouldn't stop screaming
at me. She never forgave me.

She was bonkers, and y-you know that.

Do you know why I remember
going to see your play?

Because Mom held my hand
when we walked in.

She held your hand?

- Wow.
- I know.

I don't think she had
ever done it before.

And I don't ever remember
her doing it again.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]

God, she was so distant.

And then, she was gone.

And you were gone, too.

Now, I'm this.

- I visit.
- Every now and then,

but you're never really here, you know?

Then, I heard your podcast and...

heard you yucking it up with all...

all your friends.

The podcast is about our
neighbors being m*rder*d.

Yeah, but you made it sound cozy.

Somehow, it made me...

feel even lonelier.

Oh, God.

I'm a needy mess.

Well, I'm-I'm an uptight mess.

- Can we just blame Mom?
- Well, she's dead.

- It can't hurt.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

[DOREEN SNIFFLES]

I think about you a lot.

And I'd like to be better about
staying in touch, if it's not too late.

I would like that. I'd like that a lot.

- I would, too.
- [FOOTSTEPS]

Great news, everybody! Ah!

I just had the best nap. I feel so good.

Everything is so crystal
clear to me now.

You know, yelling at those actors

reminded me of why I got into
this business in the first place.

It's because no matter what,

I care so much! I realized it.

Movies are my passion!

And I yelled all of that
at the head of the studio

in my room for two hours, so guess what,

Charles and leopard lady?

The movie is now

full speed ahead!

Can you believe it?

Back to business.

Hollywood!

Who is that f*ck' woman?

[FRONT DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]

[BOTH SIGHING]

Well, the car comes in a few minutes.

So, to recap,

I fought a woman, and I won. [LAUGHS]

[OLIVER CHUCKLES]

Also, I discovered you may be crazy.

I-If I'm being honest,

I haven't been in a relationship,

a real one, for a decade.

Maybe two.

So...

when I met you, I-I just...

- [SIGHS] lost my cool.
- [LORETTA GIGGLES]

And I may never get it back.

But, if, if...

if you can't handle that...

flavor of crazy, no one would blame you.

S...

So, if-if you wanna run, run.

You don't have to sprint.

- [LORETTA SIGHS]
- [BRACELET RATTLING]

[LORETTA] Oliver, from the
moment I met you, I knew,

deep in my heart,
that you were a lunatic.

You must have, [SIGHS] by my count,

six different stories about

running into Lynda Carter
at grocery stores.

Wonder Woman and a wonderful lady.

Well, t-to the, to the point, [LAUGHS]

despite your obvious pathologies,

I'm here still.

And I'm not going anywhere.

And I sign on to your crazy...

for a lifetime.

- [SIGHS]
- [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

You're... giving me a doll's bracelet?

[STAMMERS]

I'm proposing to you, Oliver.

I wanna marry you.

Well, before I accept,

just out of curiosity,

is there any family money?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- I accept.
- Oh...

[KISSING]

[POTS BANGING]

[EVA] Wake up!

Rise and shine!

[BANGING CONTINUES]

[DOREEN] I gotta sleep!
I have a hangover!

Shut the f*ck up!

- [BANGING STOPS]
- Thank you.

- Case closed!
- [OLIVER] Oh, my God!

Okay, wh-what's going on?

Let me direct your attention

to the m*rder Wall!

Which is like your m*rder
board, but bigger,

therefore, ours is better.

For starters, w-we agree with you.

Whosever cashing Dudenoff's
checks is after you.

But, looking back,

- we believe that this mystery...
- [EVA] Mm-hmm.

... did not start with Sazz's m*rder.

- [EVA] No.
- No. It all goes back to season one,

which, by the way, has more holes

- than Zach Galifianakis.
- [ZACH LAUGHS]

[ZACH] I mean, th-they're
all over the script!

For instance, uh... yeah,
who poisoned Winnie?

You thought it was Sting.
You know what, it wasn't Sting,

and then, you just dropped it.

- Winnie?
- [WINNIE WHIMPERING]

Oh, my God. Who would do this to you?

I assumed it was Jan.

Wrong! Look at the note on your door.

"End the podcast or I will end you".
See the smudge mark?

That was written by
a left-handed person.

How could you know that?

Because I studied handwriting
when I played Marc Antonio

in the un-produced pilot
The Calligrapher's Wife.

[EVA] And Jan was not left-handed.

- [ZACH] No.
- Look at the way she holds her bassoon.

♪ ♪

I shadowed the Boston Pops
when I was preparing

for Symphony Chimp.

[EUGENE] Plot hole number two.

The note on Jan's door.

[MABEL] "I'm watching you".

Just like the text message.

- It's the...
- Same person. Very good, Mabel.

Your m*rder*r has been
after you since season one.

♪ ♪

And Sazz knew all of that.

Think back to her apartment! Uh...

"Sick pup". That's Winnie!

"Door note". That's
the note on Jan's door.

Sazz figured this all out. Maybe
that's what she wanted to tell me.

Wow, I...

I stand corrected. I guess I should've
brought you guys in sooner.

Thank you. Actors, one.
Real-life dipshits, zero.

[EVA] [LAUGHS] Yes. Idiots.

Why are you smiling?

Oh, I-I know it's not
the right time, but, uh...

this b*tch is gettin' married. [GIGGLES]

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUFFLED CHATTER]

[NARRATOR] You know, not for nothin',

the truth is you can
never be totally safe.

The best you can do is find
some people who love you,

who'll share a bottle of red,
a bottle of white...

Well, okay, this is not a competition.

Hey, hey! Look at this!
g*ng's all here, huh? [LAUGHS]

[CHARLES] Hey, Big Mike.

How was brunch at Can-Cans?

Oh, come on, babe. I just go there

'cause they give cops the dinner
menu at lunch prices.

You know I'm not an a*s guy.

I'm a you guy.

You have permission to board,
and I don't mean the boat.

[SNICKERS] Mm!

- [MUFFLED LAUGH] Oh!
- [KISSING]

- Captain Jack will get you high tonight.
- Oh!

[MUFFLED LAUGHING]

Ooh! [PANTING]

- That's good stuff. [SIGHS]
- Oh, hey, Chuckie,

uh, your friend Howard's
trying to reach you all.

Somehow, he got my number.

He says he knows who k*lled Dudenoff.

Yeah, yeah, I wrote it down,
so I'd get it right.

He wanted me to tell you, uh,

it wasn't just one person
cashing his checks.

He found five different signatures
with one phone number.

[HOWARD] Go forward. Pause.

[GASPS] Go forward, go forward.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Go forward.

- [GASPS] Pause right there.
- [REMOTE CLICKS]

Inez.

Fast forward.

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

Go forward, go forward again.

♪ ♪

[GASPS] Rudy?

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Qué?

Okay, I'm calling the number.

[KEYPAD CLACKING]

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- [LINE RINGING]

- [RING TONE]
- [PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

[RING TONE STOPS]

Hello?

This is Milton Dudenoff.

[HOWARD GASPS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh, whatever a "Westie" is,

Howard says it was all of them.

[OLIVER GASPS]

[LINE DISCONNECTS]

They know.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

[FANFARE PLAYING]