02x02 - Who Are You, Do You Think?

[bunniefuu]

♪ And I need you today

♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪

This programme contains some strong
language and adult humour

Hiya. I'm from Scrubbers,
I'm here to do your downstairs.

Right, I'm just off out for a bit.
I'll leave you to it.OK, yeah.

Is there any specific areas you want
me to clean? All over, really.

Actually, you can start with
the front door.

OK. Thank you.See you.

MUSIC: The Sheik Cha Cha
by Enoch Light

Alexa, how can I heat up
my steak bake?

Alexa,
play Like A Virgin by Madonna.

SHE TUTS

Waste of money.

Ooh, look, a hot tub.

79 Pritchard Avenue, here we are.

I have always wanted to do
Who Do You Think You Are?

Oh, this is different. This is
Who Are You, Do You Think?

A programme in no way affiliated
to the long-running

and successful genealogy show,
Who Do You Think You Are?

I'd quite like to be Irish.
I always think they seem nice.

Is this the house? Yeah.

Claire Ashbourne.

So all you have to do is, you know,
say a few words about

how moved you are to be tracing
your family tree,

deeply humbled, blah blah blah,
and then knock on the door, OK?

In your own time. And if you feel
like crying at any point,

don't hold back, OK? Action.

I suppose I've always
had an affinity with the north.

They're simple folk,
a bit rough and tumble,

but with an honest kindness.

So to discover I've got relatives
here is really exciting.

A cousin I've never met lives right
here in this house, and she holds

the clue to what I'll be doing next.

So let's go and meet her.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Who the f*cking hell's that?

What do you want?

Oh, hello, it's Deborah Meaden.

Who? Deborah Meaden.
I'm with the BBC.

Oh, I only watch ITV.

It's Deborah Meaden. I'm a Dragon.

You having a breakdown?

We rang you up last week. Look.

Happens all the time.

Oils the wheels.

OK, let's go again, Deborah.

And, remember, if you want to cry
at any point, just go for it, OK?

Hello, it's Deborah Meaden.
I believe we're cousins.

All right,
you'd better come through.

Yeah, go through.

This is my house. I live here.

What happened to your arm?

Well, let's say never get involved
in an arm wrestling match

with Hilary Devey.

So I gather we share a great
grandmother.Oh, right.

Yeah. So I've never actually seen
a picture of her.

So I was wondering if you had any
photos tucked away anywhere?

No, no, not on me, no.

Erm, when we spoke over the phone
last week, you said

that you did have some photos,
so it'd be really good

if you could find them.

I'll go and have a look.

MUSIC: Filastrocca Per Cretini
by Ennio Morricone

Shite on house.

SHE COUGHS

That's her. That's our nan.

I-I don't know what to say.Aw.

Makes you think, doesn't it.

Ooh, does this mean
we'll be filming in India?

Oh, no, I'm afraid not.

We already blew the travel budget
flying Sheena Easton to Sri Lanka.

Sheena Easton? Bloody Sheena Easton.

But, look, erm, the two of you,
what you've got here, I mean,

it's really good. It's lovely stuff.

Erm, have you got anything else
of your nan's?

No.

Are you sure?

I'll go and have a look.

Are we going to be able
to use any of this?

I mean, she's so...

..normal. Oh, Deborah,
she's fantastic.

I mean, the viewers
are going to love her.

I'm just wondering, actually,
if it might be an idea

to take her with us for the rest
of the journey. Really?

Yeah. I mean, the two of you work
really well together.

Be a shame to leave it like this.

I'm not sure.

I mean, you've seen what she's like.

Yeah, no, she's fantastic,
isn't she?

She's TV gold.

OK, let's just crack on
and get this over and done with.

MUSIC: Filastrocca Per Cretini
by Ennio Morricone

Is that what I think it is?

Her earthly remains.

And cut there. Erm, er, basically,
we were wondering

if you'd like to join us
for the rest of Deborah's journey.

Where are you going? Oldham.

We've got some information there
on a relative of yours.

Christ, I hope it's not
a n*zi sympathiser.

No, it's a...it's a local historian.

You'll be meeting with him
in a records office.

Oh, right. Local historian.
I suppose all historians are local

when you think about it.

They say you're never more than
three feet from a local historian.

Or is that rats?

DEBORAH AND MANDY LAUGH

Er, so, erm, are you up for it?

Yeah. Just let me put
some knickers on.

And action.

So, Jeffery, you're a local
historian and you've got some

information on a relative who used
to work in a cotton factory?

Er, Lizzie Haworth, your great great
grandmother, used to work here

as a cotton piercer, repairing
broken lengths of cotton.

A very dangerous job,
and many people had accidents.

And, unfortunately, your great great
grandmother was one of them.

Her fingers got caught up
in the machinery

and she lost six of her fingers.

So she'd have been unable to work.

That's right.Result!

Actually, in those days, of course,
there was no benefit system, so not

working meant life could be very
difficult indeed, especially

if you didn't have any well-off
relatives to help you out.

And I found this in the local paper
from the time.

So February the 8th, 1902.

Miss Lizzie Haworth
has been taken to court

and charged with soliciting.

She was a prost*tute!

Wasn't there some other kind
of work she could have done?

Well, she could have taken
in washing, as other women did,

but that was long hours
for very little money. Mm.

And whacking off some chap
would only take a few minutes.

Harder work, though,
with less fingers, so.

And cut.

Thanks, Jeffery, that was wonderful.
Exactly what we're looking for.

Don't you want to see some
of the old factory records?

Er, no, that's great. We've got
everything we need. Thank you.

Do you have any other relatives
who might be able

to bring Deborah's story to life?

Ooh, there's my Uncle Charlie,
but he's a bit...

He's a bit what?

Well, you'll see.

Nature breedin' 'ell.

What do you want?

Th-this is Deborah.

She works at the BBC.

She reckons she's related to us.

Deborah. Deborah, my little
flowerpot petal face.

Me baby!

HE CRIES LOUDLY

Come in, sparrow.

Come in, c*ck.

Deborah, this is our Uncle Charlie.

He were a stonemason.

I'm not a mason, but I know a good
bit of stonework when I see it.

He went to jail for k*lling
a man stone dead.

These are your cousins.

They're both grown up now.

Han Solo's a roofer,
and Obi-Wan's a barrister.

A barrister.

What does he specialise in?

Oat-milk lattes, I think.

That's Mick the fitter.

He fits kitchens.

When he were 15 years old,
he had a wood round

and he used to sell chips for
half a crown and logs for two bob

and take 'em round on pram wheels.

He had a try-out with Manchester
City, but they didn't take him on.

And how's he related to us?

He's not.

It's, er, finally time to scatter
your grandmother's ashes.

Er, so just say a few words, have
a little cry if you want to, OK?

Erm, in your own time. Action.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

So it's...it's strange,
because in many ways

I feel like I've come home,

but, then, in other ways,
I can't wait to get back to London.

But it's so moving to be scattering
the ashes of a member of the family

who I'd never met, but in so many
ways feel very connected to.

She would have been so chuffed
to be on the telly.

Well, it's been lovely, but I really
do need to get back to London.

Maybe we can watch the show
together when it goes out.

That'd be lovely.

You will let us know when it's on,
won't you?

Of course, Deborah.Great.

You must pop round sometime.

Yeah, well, thanks.

MUSIC: Filastrocca Per Cretini
by Ennio Morricone

Ooh.

Mind if I unplug your phone?

I just need to plug
my slow cooker in.

That'll be done by Reading.

DOOR BELL CHIMES

Oh, it's you.

Our show's on today.

You said we could watch it together,
but they never told me it was on.

Yeah, but...Just come through.

Ooh, look, you've got a chandelier.

It's been a really moving
and sometimes baffling experience,

but I think I can safely
say that I now know

who I think I am.

Not as good as Danny Dyer's,
but still all right.

Well, thanks, Claire,

I have to say I genuinely couldn't
have done it without you.

Claire? Who's Claire?

I'm Mandy.

Mandy? You're not Claire Ashbourne?

No. So we're not related?

This whole show's been a lie.

I thought it were weird.

You didn't think to question
why a TV producer was talking about

all the telephone calls
he had with you?

Well, no matter, who's to know.

As long as I get invited
on Taskmaster, I don't care.

PHONE RINGTONE

Ooh, that might be Taskmaster now.

What? 37 missed calls
from Meera Syal.

Do you want some stew, Deborah?

Oh, Mandy...

..I'm out.

I'll have some.

Is it beef?

♪ Oh!

♪ Papa loves mambo

♪ Papa loves mambo

♪ Mama loves mambo

♪ Mama loves mambo

♪ Papa does great with it

♪ Swings like a gate with it

♪ Evens his weight with it, now

♪ He goes to

♪ She goes fro

♪ He goes fast

♪ She goes slow. ♪