01x01 - Jobseeker

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came and
you gave without taking

♪ But I sent you away

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today

♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪

So, what kind of work
are you interested in?

I like mindless tasks. You know,
something I can do with my hands.

OK, let's have a little look.

Don't touch that, please.

Oh, here's a bit of luck. There's
a position here packing fruit

at a food distribution factory.
Oh, no. That doesn't sound like me.

It's either that or you'll have to
attend an adult training course

to improve your interview technique.
That doesn't sound like me either.

Well, you've got to do one of them
or I'll have to dock your benefits.

Fruit factory or adult training
course? It's up to you.

It's like Sophie's Choice, in't it?

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker... ♪

Please watch the video.

Welcome to your new job
at Gone Bananas,

the banana processing
and distribution centre!

Please pay attention to this short
health and safety presentation.

Processing and distributing
up to 20,000 bananas a day,

we are proud to have
the sixth highest volume

of any banana processing and
distribution centre in the UK

and North Europe region.

And all this with the third best
health and safety record.

Let's keep it that way.

This is Mick. Mick was brought
on board to replace Jill,

who was sadly k*lled
in a banana processing

and distribution incident.

Don't let what happened to Jill
happen to Mick

or to you.

These are laminates.

It is particularly important
you familiarise yourselves

with this one.

This is a deadly spider
from north Africa.

If you see it, you must smash it
with your hammer.

And remember the Gone Bananas code.

One to stun, two to k*ll,

three to make sure.

Did you watch the video? Yeah, yeah.
That were dead informative, that.

Thanks for that. Great.
I will see you on Monday, then.

All right.

Have you been smoking?

No.

No, it were like this
when I come in.

Minty Peak?

Actually, have you got something
all grown-up and executive?

You know, something that says
conference call?

No Minty Peak? I've got a new job.

Oh, that is wonderful news, Mandy.

What is it? At the banana factory.

I'm an arachnid control operative.
What is that?

Spiders, Lol!
They come in on the bananas.

It's my job to smash 'em.
It's a very important role.

Why don't they smash them
at their end?

I don't know, but I'm quids in here.

I am so happy for you, Mandy.

Can I ask you something?

How exactly do you k*ll
the arachnids?

♪ Day-o... ♪

One to stun, two to k*ll,
three to make sure.

♪ Daylight come and me... ♪

One to stun, two to k*ll,
three to make sure.

♪ Work all night and drink a rum

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Stack banana till the morning come

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Come mister tally man,
tally me banana

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Come mister tally man,
tally me banana

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Lift six foot, seven foot,
eight foot bunch

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Six foot, seven foot,
eight foot bunch

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Day

♪ Me say day-o

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Day

♪ Me say day, me say day, me say day

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ A beautiful bunch of ripe banana

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Hide the deadly black tarantula

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Lift six foot, seven foot,
eight foot bunch

♪ Daylight come and me wanna... ♪

These are for you. Bananas?

You get to take the black ones home.
Oh, great. Ta.

♪ Day

♪ Me say day-o

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Day-o

♪ Day-o

♪ Daylight come

♪ And me wanna go home. ♪

Something terrible has happened.

I bloody loved that job, Lola.

I were good at it, too.

Shh. Dear, dear, never mind.

It weren't my fault, though. They're
really fast, some of these spiders.

What is the latest death toll?



It's not all bad news, though.

I've got a phone interview
in the morning.

I might not mention the 17 dead.

What makes you think
you're the right person

to join Chicken Bungalow?
I like fried chicken.

I have it most nights.

I like other people who eat fried
chicken, so I assume we'd get on,

and I always wash my hands, not
just when I've done a number two.

Where do you see yourself
in five years?

Well, if I'm not breeding
Dobermann Pinschers,

hopefully I'll be working for you
just frying chicken.

What are your strengths?

I'm not a grass.

I might be some things
but I'm not a grass.

Oh, and I can swallow
a tangerine whole.

When can you let me know by?

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker... ♪

Cheers for taking a chance on me.

Well, to be honest, you were
the only applicant. Oh, fantastic.

I won't let you down.

Is it all right if I go on my
break now? I'm gasping for a f*g.

Yeah, all right.

Just make sure you're not seen
smoking in your uniform.

It's not the healthy image
we want to portray.

Yeah.

sh*t.

Oh, f*ck' hell.

Cheers. Thanks.

One second.

We've just got a...

..new person.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, f*ck' sh*t.

Jesus.

Help!

Oh, this is f*cking typical.

There you go.

Thanks.

One second.

Have you been smoking?

No, it were like this
when I come in.

What time do you want me tomorrow?

Back again, I see.

Now, Mandy, I've had some feedback
from your recent employers

and it would be helpful and
constructive for you to hear

what they had to say.
Oh, no, I'm all right, thanks.

Mark from Chicken Bungalow said,

"She burned down
my chicken restaurant."

And the banana people said
thanks to your negligence,



I knew they'd dredge that up.

And all of them said they thought
you could do with some work

on your interview skills
so I'm afraid I am going to insist

that you go on the adult
training course. f*ck' hell!

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker... ♪

Right, who's next?

Come on, then.

OK, if you could just stand
there on your mark, please.

How tall are you?

No idea.

Somewhere between Dudley Moore
and Richard Osmond.

Right. OK. Just read this for us,
please, in your own time.

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker... ♪

A couple of things to discuss,
Mandy. f*ck' ell. What now?

First of all, you didn't attend
the adult training course as agreed.

I did. I definitely went there.

Well, you didn't sign the register.
Didn't I? No.

It's so long ago now. It was last
Wednesday. You can't expect me to

remember everything
that's ever happened. Jesus!

Secondly, have you been doing any
paid work over the last two weeks?

No. Because it's come
to my attention, Mandy,

that you've actually been working.
I haven't.

You haven't appeared in a commercial
for a payday loans company?

Who's told you that?

Mandy, your face is everywhere.

She just looks like me. What about
her? Does she look like you?

What about this?

Are you desperate for some cash
but don't have any family members

willing to bail you out again?

Then try Cash Maggot.

Too many bills this month?

Visit Cash Maggot and get
the money you need today.

It's so quick and simple.

There's nothing to fax
and no boring paperwork to send.

I'm a cash maggot.
I am a cash maggot.

I'm a cash maggot.
I'm a cash maggot!

Call Cash Maggot now

and you can have up to £300
in your account straight away.

I'm a cash maggot. He is.
I am. She is.

I am. She is. I am. They are.

He definitely is.

Thanks, Cash Maggot!

Representative APR 91%.

Your home may be at risk
if you do not keep up repayments.

The fact that you're mouthing
the words suggests that it's you.

So how much did you get paid?
Nothing.

Yet.

How much will you be getting?

It were only a day. I mean...
How much?



Sorry, what was that? £30,000.

Mandy, we take benefit fraud
very seriously here.

OK? There's a strict procedure
for this. I have to refer it

to my line manager.
She'll have to refer it to legal.

They'll open a full investigation,
work out...

♪ Day-o

♪ Da-a-ay-o

♪ Daylight come
and me wanna go home...

You've got 30 days to appeal it.

♪ Me say day, me say day, me say day

♪ Me say day, me say day-o... ♪

...a custodial sentence.

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Bo! ♪