36x02 - The Yellow Lotus

[bunniefuu]

♪

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Marge, I love when you grab my butt

with your cold, stiff fingers.

Homie, I'm not touching your butt.

- Ew!
- Ew! Ew! Ew!

Save me, Baywatch!

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah-ah, ah ♪

[VOCALIZING]

♪ Hot bodies and m*rder ♪

♪ Rich, sexy people behaving badly ♪

♪ Makes you feel better about
being broke and unknown ♪

♪ Symbolic statues
and endless brunch ♪

♪ How do they eat like that
and still look great naked? ♪

♪ Are they on O-O-O-Ozempic? ♪

[VOCALIZING]

- [SEABIRDS SQUAWKING]
- [HORN BLOWS] - _

The Yellow Lotus, a luxury,
five-star resort,

has opened its teakwood doors to
Springfield's neediest minority:

the wealthy elite.

[CHUCKLING] And in breaking news...

This just in...

my mouth. Mmm!

- Mmm!
- [HORN BLOWS]

Are you sure this is
the timeshare we bought?

It's the exact same address.

We've been paying into it for ten years.

It just seems too good a place
for us to have a reservation.

[SLURPING]

Read it and weep.

For joy... 'cause it's good.

- _
- Now, I'm legally forbidden to say

that this is a good investment.

But this is a very good investment.

[GROANS]

Homer, I'm uncomfortable.

The baby's using my
womb as a trampoline,

and Consumer Repo says

timeshares are the worst
investment in real estate.

Hey, I am not selling you real estate.

I'm selling you something

that is much more
valuable than property.

Points.

Hmm. Points, eh?

Points that you can trade in
for a dream vacation any time,

except on blackout dates.

Your unborn children
will inherit your points.

And your fees.

It's a steal. For me.

Woo-hoo! Why, you!

Yeah, quick question. Is he mooning me?

The baby's behind speaks for us all

when it says we should leave now!

Well, of course. You're not prisoners.

But if you leave,
you are breaking the law,

and you'll end up in prison
unless you sign this contract.

[WHEEZING]

Oh, no. My husband is having
a severe allergic reaction.

He needs to get to the
hospital immediately!

[GRUNTING]

Another free breakfast,

and all I had to do was risk death.

[LAUGHS] Ow.

Homer, I see you eyeing this
delicious croquembouche.



You think I would sign
a lifetime contract

for a stupid dessert? [LAUGHS]

Never again.

Not after Spectrum cable.

[MAJESTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS]

My friend, this is America.

Just because you can't
possibly afford something

doesn't mean that you can't buy it.

Luxury vacations are not just
for the rich and the famous.

They're for average schlubs like you.

- Like me?
- Of course!

Homer, what is more important:
to feel rich or to be rich?

To be rich!

Guess again.

To feel rich!

Exactly. Now sign.

Or don't and commit your family
to the worst life of all:

one with nothing to look forward to.

♪

[MARGE MOUTHING]

Oh.

You get a free boombox.

- Done!
- Oh!

Huh?

But when can we use the timeshare?

[CHUCKLES] The answer to that is...

♪ Waiting is the hardest part ♪

♪ Every day, you see one more... ♪

[GASPS] The croquembouche!

Homer, you were right.

I can't believe it.

The monthly fees, the maintenance fees,

the fee-calculating fees.

All worth it!

[DOGS GROWLING]

Welcome, Mr. Burns. Mr. Smithers.

Who's a good boy?

[GROWLING]

Heel, heel! Stop biting my heel!

These dogs have been working
hard and need a vacation.

They need to be pampered, pedicured

and anally expressed twice a day.

Relax the hounds!

Yes, sir. Excuse me.

Everything here is for guests only,

including the view.

[GROANS SOFTLY]

Howdy.

You can't do this to us!

We may not have much money,

but we're rich in what
counts around here: points!

Ah, yes, right.
Well, that timeshare company

no longer owns this property.

But as a courtesy,
we do honor those points.

[MARGE AND HOMER GASP LOUDLY]

I'll see you at checkout.

Mm.

This is going to be the most
wonderful week of our lives.

[LOUD KNOCKING]

Checkout time.
Back away from the minibar.

Uh, excuse me. May I remind you

we have accumulated 450 million points.

Which equals 20 minutes.
Your stay is over.

This room now belongs
to Dr. and Mrs. Hibbert.

[MARGE GROANS SOFTLY]

Oh, you think you've won, eh?

We are taking the free shampoo!

[GRUNTING]

Stupid shampoo!

Why is everything I want
to steal bolted down?!

Check... mate. [SCOFFS]

We requested a sober room. No minibar.

My wife has gone a whole
year without a drink.

Oh, thank you, Julius.

Please tell everybody.

I won't mention how you have your nurse

finish your operations
so you can go play golf.

Oops.

[LAUGHS]

[GRUMBLES] Woman.

Don't worry about me.

I know how to cope perfectly
well without drinking.

I'm so glad I married a doctor.

[MARGE GROANS]

Welcome to the Yellow Lotus.

I'm Shauna. You're Tasha.

Yes, I know my name. Usually.

I also ordered a welcome massage.

Not Swedish, shiatsu.

Also, it hurts when I smile.

Can you help?

I love the Yellow Lotus resorts.

So many beautiful bodies.

Especially the dead ones.

Whatever...
I can do to help, let me know.

I have three connecting
diamond lotus suites.

One for me, one for my husband

and one for my luggage.

[BOAT HORN BLOWING]

That woman's luggage gets a room,
but we don't?!

Is this why we defeated the n*zi zombies

in Call of Duty: World at w*r?

We could sneak into the
rich lady's luggage room,

and stay there for a week.

But Mom would never...

We are doing that!

Oh, I love it when you break bad.

Hey, how'd you get the key, boy?

The real question is
not how did I get a key,

but how did I get a
machine that makes keys?

He's got you there, Marge.

I didn't ask anything.

[EXCITED CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

[BART] Higher! Higher!

Ow! Too high!

[QUIETLY] Marge, come here.

I have to show you something

that I never dreamed was possible.

There's a TV in the mirror.

It's always been my dream
to watch me watching TV.

Wow!

She's got to be the
happiest woman in the world.

[TASHA] Oh. You're always leaving me!

Where are you going now?
Another secret phone call?

[SIDESHOW BOB] She suspects nothing.

She won't know until the minute
my hands are around her neck.

[LAUGHING]

♪

We have to warn that poor
woman she's in danger!

But we're on vacation.

And Bob's only an attempted m*rder*r.

Attempted.

My ears are burning.

[ALL] Sideshow Bob!

Hello, Simpsons. Bart.

Don't "Bart" me, man.

What's your evil plan this time?

I might ask the same of you.

I believe you and your
sticky-fingered family

are squatting in a luxury suite
meant for my wife's luggage.

How do we know you're
not just after her money?

Now, Marge, that hurts.

I have my own fortune.

I invented a rake with
a collapsible handle.

No more head bonks.

[GRUNTS, LAUGHS, GRUMBLES]

Now, let's see what your options are.

A: You expose my past to my wife

while I get you arrested
for trespassing.

B: Everyone keeps quiet,
and we all enjoy...

[BART] Who am I to judge you, Bob?

Okay. Fine. One week.

But if your wife turns up dead,

even once,

we're calling the cops.

[TASHA] Bob, who are you talking to?

Ah, my pet. [CHUCKLES]

I was just doing vocalizations
in the other room

so I wouldn't disturb you.

Peas and carrots. Peas and carrots.

Oost, ohst, ost, est, east.

Badagaga, badagaga, badagaga, badagaga.

♪ La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la. ♪

Well, I guess
we're trusting the psychopath.

Sociopath.

Two distinct diagnoses.

With a slight touch of...

the narcissist.

[GROANING]

[LAUGHING]

[TASHA] Hello.

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

[STAMMERING] Hi.

I see you're reading Barbra.

Yeah. After I put it in my suitcase,

I had no room for anything else.

I've got the audiobook.

I had to delete all
the photos on my phone

so I'd have enough memory.

Who needs my memories
when I have Barbra's?

Let's listen together.

- [LISA] You're it! [LAUGHING]
- [BART LAUGHING]

[GASPS]

Kids! [QUIETLY] We're
trying to be inconspicuous.

No problem!

- [QUIETLY] Marco.
- [WHISPERS] Polo.

- Marc...
- Polo!

You don't belong here.

[GASPS]

This is an adults-only pool.

The hotel will take
these kids off your hands

for the rest of your trip, sir.

Oh! It's about time.

Thank you!

Polo! [WHOOPS]

- Ah! Jerk!
- [OTHERS EXCLAIM]

♪

[GULPS]

Excuse me. I don't mean to bother,

but can I please get a vegan option?

What the hell are you doing?

I mean saying "excuse me" and "please."

Rich kids talk like that.

Hello?

Do I have to color in
this drawing myself?

Inside the lines, dum-dum!

You'll never blend in, Lis.

[EXHALES]

You call these crudités?

I want farm-to-table.

[ATTENDANT GASPS]

_

Isn't it grand?

Our kids are getting spoiled
in a way we could never afford.

Have you noticed something, Homer?

We're the only happy people here.

♪

[SLURPING]

Wow. Well, these rich jerks

may not appreciate
how good they have it,

but we do.

And we're gonna have it all.

Do you have a masseur
for the plus-sized man?

Oh, baby.

I'd like a full-body sage scrub,

seaweed foot mask,

pumpkin face mask,

cedar oil hair mask

and toxin release mud bath.

Ditto.

[SIGHS, MOANS]

[LINDSEY] We're clear.

[SIGHS]

Finally, I can relax.

[FORTUNE TELLER] Somebody
here is going to die.

- Gah!
- Who will it be?

The Poisoned Queen?

- The Suffering Toady?
- Mm.

Or is it the Hanged Bride?

[GASPS]

- Beware.
- Beware?

Is it "existential crisis" beware?

Or is it beware like the
egg salad's gone bad?

Oh, don't worry.

These hotel fortune
tellers are always fakes.

Mama, we need you in the kitchen, eh?

Just as I predicted.

[SIGHS] Oh.

There's something I'm
afraid I have to tell you.

Something bad.

Sounds like I'm gonna need a macaron.

Better take the whole plate.

I think you may be married
to a murderous psychopath.

Sociopath.

[SPITS] What?

That's crazy.

Bob married my sister for her money,

and she has way less than you.

Well, I've got an ironclad prenup.

If we get divorced,

Bob gets no money.

Unless I'm m*rder*d.

But he told me that's just boilerplate.

[PLAYING PIANO]

♪ k*lling her softly ♪

♪ With my words ♪

♪ Ending her whole
life with my knife ♪

♪ Choking her softly with rope... ♪

And now for my next request,

I'd like to ask security
to take out two trespassers

who, not coincidentally,
went back on their word to me.

Uh, you're still here?!

Security!

♪

[HOMER AND MARGE GASP]

[GRUNTS]

[EXCLAIMS] Throw spaghetti
sauce in my eyes!

[GRUNTS]

That's-a better.

♪

Oh, there she is again.

Doesn't a hotel manager
have better things to do?

[BOTH GASP]

I have to protect the brand!

The brand!

Marge, do what I do.

Damn it, Bernice. Do you want to
leave this resort in a body bag?

The only hard part will be getting her

to the top of the cliff.

If the hounds don't taste blood soon,

I fear they'll go mad.

[GROWLING, BARKING]

This resort is filled with psychos,

murderers and mild neurotics!

Oy, my leg hurts...

[GRUNTS] whenever there's fog.

[GASPS] Oh, my God, Marge.

It's the worst one of all!

Who here has ever wanted
to take a vacation

and earn money at the same time?

[BOTH SCREAM]

[HUMMING]

You sold us a worthless timeshare!

Uh, you're gonna have
to narrow that down.

You remember this? Huh?

Lady, do you know how many
pregnant women I have defrauded?

That baby is now ten years old.

Oh, yeah. I'll never forget that a*s.

You guys must have accumulated
a hell of a lot of debt.

Look, I'm not in that business
anymore, okay?

Now I get people out of timeshare scams.

Is that also a scam?

Yeah. Much more profitable.

I'm going to do something now
I should have done back then.

[GRUNTS]

Hey, I need that for evil!

You have some very bad karma, mister.

Ooh, ooh, I have bad karma.

Oh, I'm so scared! [GRUNTING]

Oh, please don't hurt me, Hindu gods!

[LAUGHING]

Don't be a smart aleck.

When you do something bad,
it always catches up with you.

Gotcha! Moochers!

- Moochers?
- They're despicable.

I've been watching you all
be miserable in paradise

and take everything for granted.

So you may be wealthier,

but we're rich in what counts.

- Points?
- The ability to go on vacation

and have fun without plotting
to k*ll our loved ones!

And now, lady,

I'm going to take in the view!

♪

_

You know, Homie,

the ferry doesn't come for a while.

- How 'bout one last swim?
- [CHUCKLES]

_

Mwah.

♪

[GROANS]

You've played me for a fool, Bernice.

But no more!

There's only one way to end this.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, no!

I love you, Bernice.

And we're not coming
down until you're clean.

Also, not until I figure out

how to get this balloon back to land.

[CHUCKLING]

♪

No! Stop!

Nice Dobermans!

[SNARLS]

Thank God I brought my spare bone.

[POSHLY] D'oh!

For you, my darling.

[GASPS]

Oh, wow.

All the secret phone calls
were to arrange this?

[CHUCKLES] Like all sociopaths,

all I really needed was
the love of a good woman.

And the proper medication.

Now all I want to do is smother you

with kisses

and set you ablaze

with passion.

[MOANING]

Mwah!

Well, I'll be.

He's as great a husband as I am.

Now, my dear, may I serenade you

with the divine Gilbert and Sullivan?

♪ A wandering minstrel I ♪

♪ A thing of shreds and patches ♪

♪ Of ballads, songs and snatches ♪

Wha...

Tasha, why?

- I'm a fast-cycling manic-depressive!
- [GROANING]

Oh, no, Bob! What have I done?

[GROANING]

- Bob.
- Mel.

My best to Krusty.

The three of us should have lunch.

Yes, but not this week.
I'm doing a cleanse.

Ah. Your colon will thank you.

So I guess everyone's fine!

- Except for the body.
- _

♪

[GASPS] A shark.

Oh, it's just an adorable little otter.

[HISSES]

Oh! [YELLING]

♪

Timeshare salesman
turned retired scoundrel

Nick Callahan is dead,

leaving behind a fortune
valued at 80 billion points.

In "otter" news...

My chai!

♪

[WOMAN VOCALIZING]

♪ Once again, we've seen
rich people act despicably ♪

♪ And feel better about ourselves ♪

♪ Like Fantasy Island
and Glass Onion ♪

♪ And even Lord of the Flies. ♪

[VOCALIZING]

Shh!