Tim Dillon: This Is Your Country (2024)

[bunniefuu]

Hello, pigs.

I think we can all agree that America

is a rotting corpse of an empire

and we live in hell.

So when Netflix gave us

a bunch of money to make a...

whatever-the-f*ck-we're-doing

about the election,

we figured, why waste

our time talking to politicians?

Let's talk to the food-poisoned,

drug-addicted sex criminals who live here.

Yeah!

Come on.

My name is Tim Dillon,

and regrettably, This Is Your Country.

Why is it your business

if your cousin

wants to pop her P for cash?

k*ll that Canadian b*tch

- after the f*cking show.

- USA! USA!

One coffee a day, not two or three.

Okay, Hitler.

If you love her, pay her.

Thank you!

You know why?

It's the greatest country in the world.

Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!

He massages BBLs on OnlyFans for a living,

but he's here to tell his girlfriend

he also is a porn star.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome William to the show.

- William, how are you?

- Yes.

I'm doing amazing.

You massage

Brazilian butt lifts for a living.

Yes, I do.

And you do that on OnlyFans?

I do that on OnlyFans,

and I do that for my job as well.

And do you do any other type of massage?

I mean, I'm trained in all areas,

but I focus on the... the glutes.

What is it? Is it

like kneading a good sourdough?

What is...

In fact, know what, William?

Why don't you just show us?

-No problem.

-Bring out the BBL.

Bring out the BBL, baby!

William, I want you to stand up,

and I want you to walk the audience

- through a BBL massage.

- Definitely. Definitely.

Well, this... this might be pre-BBL.

Gotta lube it up or moisturize it up,

put a little bit in your hands,

and then you want to just slowly caress.

Is there any special technique other than

what I... what we just saw, really,

is you just kind of grabbing an a*s.

Yes.

So as you're massaging it,

you want to just check in with them,

you know, from time to time,

ask them, "Hey, how's it doing?"

"You want more pressure?"

Sometimes, you know,

they'll moan instead of saying yes,

- so...

- Right.

You know, when they moan, they'll

probably moan like, "Oh, yes. Yes!"

Does your girlfriend have any issue with

you doing this specific type of massage?

Unfortunately, my girlfriend

does have a huge issue with it.

- Yeah.

- But I try to explain to her...

That's shocking that she has a big...

I'm trying to explain to her,

"This is what I was born to do."

That's right.

-I was put on Earth to do this.

-That's right. To do this.

He knows what he wants.

Now, listen, you didn't fly here

just to show people,

"Here's how to massage an a*s

that we bought at the Halloween store."

Okay? I'm kidding,

this couple let us borrow it, you know?

What, uh...

You're here to confess to your girlfriend

that you used to do porn.

Yeah.

- Bring her out!

- William...

Bring her out! Bring her out!

All right, ladies and gentlemen...

please welcome Shireiny to the show.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Yo, three years.

Three years of this f*cking bullshit

I gotta deal with you.

This sh*t is f*cking crazy

and mad embarrassing.

Shireiny, what is...

What is making you, uh, upset?

What's making me upset

is he be around a*s and t*tties all day.

Like, do you not have enough at home?

It's a job.

-All right, well, get another job!

-It's a job.

Get another job!

Why don't you go

f*cking work at Target? Huh?

-You got the outfit for it.

-Target.

What a comedienne.

What a jokester. Little jokester.

How would you feel

if I was around d*ck all day? Huh?

d*ck in my face all day?

Well, William is here

to tell you something.

William, this is your moment of truth.

I used to do... I did porn.

What?

-No.

-It was in the past.

-Y'all pranking me, right? Nah.

-It was in the past.

It was... It's...

Can you be more specific by "porn?"

What do you mean by porn?

I recorded myself having sex with women.

That does sound like porn.

And you brought me here to tell me that?

I want to come clean,

to put everything on the table.

I wanna just start fresh.

I'm gonna sit over here,

'cause I'm disgusted right now.

Wow.

William, William...

Why didn't you tell me that when we met?

Because if you can't handle...

If you can't handle me doing massages,

I know for a fact you could not

handle me doing porn. Come on now.

If you can't handle him

at his BBL massage,

you don't deserve him at his, uh, porn.

There's somebody else

who's been listening as well.

It's not just

your beautiful girlfriend here.

- What? He got another girl?

- No, hold on.

Well, yes and no.

Ooh...

- Yes and no.

- Nah.

Ladies and gentlemen,

William's mother is backstage.

And she probably has a few opinions.

Please welcome Sata, everybody!

Hey, Mama!

Yo...

Well, fill her in, William,

for what's been going on.

Yo, this is crazy.

- sh*t is crazy.

- I, uh...

Yo, what the hell?

I came clean to Shireiny

about me doing porn.

-You knew he used to do porn?

-Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait. Wait a second.

Doing porn?

-Yes. I did porn.

-Not OnlyFans, porn porn.

-Same thing.

-Having sex?

It's not.

It's the... Yes.

It was, like, three years ago.

- He's still doing it!

- Liar!

William, when did you stop?

When did you stop doing porn?

- Wait a second. I'm sorry.

- Yeah.

You went to school...

Right.

...to do film.

I'm not understanding.

I bought you all the equipment.

-I bought you cameras.

-I know.

I bought you lights, I bought you booms,

I bought you the stuff.

I'm not understanding.

I make a really good living.

Can you tell us how much money

you're making doing this?

Six figures.

'Cause I'm not only doing the porn,

I can... I sh**t the porn, I edit the porn.

I'm knee-deep in this porn industry.

-Yeah!

-Whoo!

Hold on. Wait, wait, wait.

What's your porn name?

It's "Long Willy."

Long...

Sata, your son

is a very enterprising young man...

I wanna say this.

Kim Kardashian, she had a sex tape. Look...

- That was a secret sex tape.

- Wait! She had a sex tape.

- A billionaire off a sex tape.

- That's a good point.

- That's a good point for William.

- Come on.

-Kim Kardashian...

-Thank you.

...that is our most successful wh*re.

- Yes.

- That is a very good point.

Can you stand up, sir?

Now, you watch porn.

Let me ask you a question.

How do you feel about a young man

doing porn and making money from it?

-I think he's an entrepreneur.

-My man.

If you had a child,

would you mind if they did porn?

I wouldn't let them do porn.

- Exactly.

- So you...

-Do you find that a little hypocritical?

-Yeah.

- But you wouldn't let your child do porn?

- No.

But you watch a lot of f*cking porn.

I mean, if people

went on your laptop right now,

they wouldn't be able to sleep,

let's be honest.

And it's not regular porn.

It's women's heads

going through glass tables, it's bad.

You can't c*m unless someone's bleeding.

Let's be honest.

The things that are on your laptop...

All right, sit down

before the FBI gets here. Uh...

Are you massaging anyone

right now on OnlyFans

that you had sex with in the past?

Potentially. Yeah.

-What?

-Shireiny.

-In the past. In the past. Yes.

-Are you kidding me?

You should not be

dealing with no girl you slept with

whether it's work or not.

It does not matter.

So if I was a doctor

and she was dying, I can't...

"Sorry, we had sex,

I can't save your life. Gotta die."

-No! Let the b*tch die.

-It doesn't work like that.

- You let the b*tch die.

- I do see William's point.

I do see William's point.

If you were massaging

a woman's a*s to life

and being paid for it on OnlyFans,

I understand.

How many people in this audience think

they should rise above this

and just stay together?

Yeah!

That's a fair amount.

How many people in this audience

think that Shireiny

has the right to say "f*ck you"?

William, there's one more thing

that you have to do right now.

One more thing you have to say

before God, before this country,

before your mother,

before your beautiful girlfriend,

and we're going to give you

a chance to say it right now.

- Oh my God. I'm scared now.

- sh*t, bro.

-Let me get up. I gotta get up for this.

-Where you going?

I will beat you up if you come

over here and try to hug me, like...

Look, look, look, look.

Look, babe,

we done been through a lot,

and you always been there for me

at my lowest, you know?

When I'm down there massaging women,

my hands may be on their a*s,

but my eyes are always on you.

-You're full of sh*t.

-You know?

You know?

You're a fool.

If you go for this, you're a fool.

And you're about to cry, you're crazy.

And I know, I know my d*ck

is out there on the Internet.

Little Willy.

It's not Little Willy.

But, look, babe.

This might be

the craziest thing I ever did, man.

-I want to be...

-What?

I want to be...

-I want to be your porn star.

-No.

I want to be your porn star

for the rest of my life.

There's no way

that she's gonna accept that.

-Close that. No way.

-Will you marry me?

-You're crazy.

-I wanna be your porn star.

Yeah!

Give it up for them.

Give it up for them.

That is a happy couple.

That is a beautiful... That is love.

OnlyFans? How about OnlyFam?

Come on! Come on, hug it out!

Hug it out!

Everybody get up.

Come on, Mom, this is beautiful.

You've got your son, your daughter-in-law.

Thank you, guys, so much.

Look at that. That's love. That's love.

That's what love is about.

Love is... There's a power in that.

How you feel about that?

What do you think?

I thought it was gross.

'Cause they were Black?

No! No.

Orange County is one of the most

r*cist places in the entire world,

and it's a little disgusting

to have this white b*tch

judge these beautiful people.

It's wrong. I don't like it. I...

I wish you would have taken another thing.

And now, he immigrated

to this country 35 years ago,

and now he wants

to get the hell out of here

unless his son can convince him to stay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please give a warm welcome to Sergio.

There he is, Sergio.

-Sergio, welcome to the show.

-Thank you.

Is there anything or anyone that could

convince you to stay in this country?

Nah.

I, uh, I have decided that America is not

the American Dream for me no more.

-And I'm ready to get out of here.

-Yeah. Yeah.

-I'm out of here, you know?

-Okay, now, why... why do you say that?

Uh, to me, it's not

the same country anymore.

You have to have a high-speed Internet,

you have to pay extra gigabytes

on your phone if you go over.

Yes. So you're going over on the phone.

Even the American people

have to pay extra.

So your problem really is a data plan.

So if we just bring you to Verizon,

you might stay?

But you sound like

you want to self-deport.

Uh...

- Which is...

- We might say that.

I think what's holding me

to stay here is my family.

That's right.

-But, uh, you know, my sons.

-Yes.

I was not made in China,

I was made in Mexico.

They were born in USA.

Oh, interesting.

So you said...

So you said you were not made in China,

you were made in Mexico.

-I was made in Mexico.

-And those kids were born in the USA.

What a f*cked-up song that is, you know?

If anybody can convince you to stay,

it is your son, and he's going to tell you

why he wants you to stay in America.

Give it up for Luis, everybody.

Give it up for Luis.

USA! USA! USA! USA!

That's right.

Luis, what do you love about America?

I mean, we have football,

all the American sports.

-Yeah, okay.

-All the money you can make.

That's right.

-Women.

-That's right. Okay.

- Yeah!

- That's right. This guy.

Stand up for a minute,

because you agree with him.

Will you stand up?

Let's stand up for a minute.

The Unabomber wants to say

a few words here.

Now, you agreed,

when Luis was talking about

how much money you can make,

and the women...

What do you say to him?

Well, honestly, I'm about women,

but I'm not necessarily about America.

And I mean, the ladies down South...

I mean, I'm not anti-America.

-I'm, like, I'm neutral.

-Come on. Come on, let him...

Hold on, let him... let him finish.

Now, the ladies...

What do you mean, "The ladies down South"?

Muy caliente.

I got you. All right.

-Now, you are with this lovely man.

-Yes, this is my boyfriend.

-That's your boyfriend.

-Yeah.

When... Stand up for a minute. When...

When he says he likes

these muy caliente ladies

from down South,

how does that make you feel?

I mean, like, power to him,

he's with me right now, you know.

I enjoy him and everything, but, you know,

if he was ever to meet one of these ladies

and he wanted to do that,

I'd be, you know...

More power to him.

Look what a great country this is.

Look how understanding

these two homeless people are

about each other's sexual proclivities.

There's...

There's no other country in the world

where you'll have

an unhoused couple like this

crawl out of their tent,

go to a Tim Dillon taping

and say, "Honey,

you can f*ck whoever you want

as long as you steal some canned food

and bring it back to this tent at night."

I mean, look at these two.

This is what America is about.

USA! USA! USA!

This is what America is about.

This Orange County couple

is so f*cking scared right now.

Knife them after the show.

Run up on them and knife 'em.

Take their f*cking BMW

and their f*cking sailboat or whatever.

Well, is anyone an immigrant

in this audience?

Okay, we want to hear from immigrants,

especially this white woman

who's lying about it.

She better have

a real f*cking Ukrainian accent

when I get up to this f*cking woman.

Hold on, where did you come from?

Canada.

USA! USA! USA!

k*ll that Canadian b*tch

after the f*cking show, okay?

You f*cking... These tweakers

are going to light you on fire

after this f*cking show.

These extras from Breaking Bad,

these monsters.

We paid for their STD check

before they came here.

This free clinic

where we got these people.

Sir, you're a different color.

Where... Yeah, stand up. Stand up.

Where do you come from?

Uh, I was born here.

Enough with this!

That's not what I mean.

I mean in the r*cist way.

-Like the Orange County people would say.

-Oh.

Where does your family come from?

Mexico. Both from Mexico.

And look how... And you are thriving here.

I actually love it here, yeah.

-What do you do for a living?

-Customer support for education tech.

k*ll yourself. Here's the thing...

I cannot find one reason to keep this man

in this sh*thole of a country.

I cannot.

I believe we have a patriot

who will come out here

and convince Sergio once and for all

that this is

the greatest country in the world.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Bandit to the show.

Give it up for Bandit!

Give it up for Bandit!

Take a seat.

USA!

USA! USA! USA!

What you two should do, I'm not kidding,

is get with him later

and do some fun home invasions.

You know what I mean?

Bandit,

do you feel freer in America

than you would be other places?

Of course, Tim. Of course I do.

I mean, there's... sure...

Okay, you have a few options, right?

Mainly, at least for me,

Britain and Canada.

I don't wanna go to Canada

because they're not real.

That's mooses pretending to be people.

Well, you're a person

pretending to be a dog.

This is true.

I would get along great with them.

Now, Sergio, just look at Bandit

and tell him what could be

possibly wrong with this country?

What's wrong with America?

Look at this person,

who I will not gender.

Look at this person, Sergio.

What could possibly be wrong

with this country?

Look, if you want

to look for an apartment,

you have to pay the first, the last,

plus deposit.

Six hundred eighty score

to get the apartment.

-You have that?

-That is true.

He's bringing up a good point about

the apartment rental process, Bandit.

Which I don't think you have been in.

Uh, just a hunch.

That's America, baby.

Money flows, dude.

If you ain't ready to pay

to have an apartment, why...

Don't go to one!

Luis, you seem very uncomfortable.

You seem

incredibly uncomfortable right now.

Take a look at this. This is... There it is.

Sergio, yes.

I think he makes more money

standing at a corner with a sign.

Moving it.

That's not a bad point.

Bandit, make your last plea to Sergio.

You're the one we brought on this stage

because you exemplify

what America is in its current moment.

Sergio,

I beg you.

Stay here. We can go to Target together.

We can go get a Java Chip Frapp,

we can walk through the park,

have a wonderful time.

Maybe fall in love.

I don't know.

It's the land of opportunity.

I would love for you to stay here with us

and be a part of this

great, beautiful nation.

Give it up for Bandit, everyone,

that's a great...

Sergio, are you gonna stay,

or are you gonna go? What is it?

Uh...

There is, uh, nothing that make me stay.

I'm leaving.

And I'm leaving America.

The American Dream, it's over.

I'm telling you, I'm out of here.

I'm out of here, you know?

- Adios! Adios!

- That's...

That's the way he feels.

Give it up for Sergio,

Luis, Bandit, everybody.

Thank them so much.

Give it up for them.

Give it up. Thank you, guys.

It'd be hilarious if you remove

the dog head and it was RFK.

"I'm going to

dress up like a dog on Netflix

because I want to be

the President of the United States."

Up now, she's a body-positive

feel-good fun type.

Her mom is an overbearing almond witch

that wants to control

what goes in her body.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's meet Livi.

Livi, baby.

How are you?

Thank you for coming, Livi. How are you?

-I'm good. How are you?

-I'm doing good.

-So your mom gets on your nerves.

-Yes.

What is the problem?

She comments on every single thing I eat,

she comments on me working out,

anything I put into my body, my coffee.

What do you do to your coffee?

Okay, I put syrups in my coff...

I do an iced vanilla latte.

There's nothing wrong...

What kind of syrups

do you put in your coffee?

Like, just vanilla.

Just vanilla? How much? How many pumps?

- Like, four pumps.

- We pump it up?

- We pump it up! Yes!

- Do we pump it up?

-She pumps it up.

-Yes!

Four pumps. Pump it up.

And not half pumps. You make them

at Starbucks, slam on that b*tch.

-Full pumps. Yes. f*ck yeah.

-Slam it. Full pumps. Okay.

So now, your mother,

what does she do for a living?

-She's a Pilates instructor.

-She's a Pilates instructor.

- Yes. Yes, she is.

- Ooh.

- Yes.

- And she...

- Yeah.

- And she is on your case.

And do you stand up for yourself

and your rights as an American?

You know what? I try my best.

I do tell her to, like, f*ck off.

"Mom, f*ck off."

"I'm going to do what I want to do.

I'm an adult."

Can she hear you

over the drive-thru speaker?

- No, no... No. She can't.

- That's the problem.

I have OCD, I have anxie...

I'm a normal girl, I have anxiety.

And she's like, "It's all

the f*cking Starbucks you drink."

"That's what's giving you anxiety.

The vanilla syrup."

Now, what does...

how does OCD manifest in your life?

-Um, I like to touch things.

-Okay.

And, like, three times.

-You touch something three times?

-Yeah.

And then eat it?

No, I don't eat it. No!

My mom told you to say that.

My mom told you to say that.

You love your mother,

but you want her to butt out.

I want her to butt out.

Get the f*ck out of my fridge.

Get the f*ck out of your fridge.

Because... Because there's no room.

- Now...

- No.

Let's... Ladies and gentlemen, are you

ready to meet Livi's mom, everybody?

Bring her out!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Dena!

There she is.

- They love you. They love you.

- Dena!

Dena, Dena, Dena, how are you?

- I'm good.

- Welcome to the show.

So you're...

Basically, you're asking your daughter,

"I just want you

to make healthier decisions."

-Absolutely.

-What the f*ck is wrong with you?

I don't think she's old enough

to make decisions.

-Okay, what?

-Okay.

Wait, wait, wait.

- Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

- Wait.

If I wanna eat a f*cking donut,

I wanna eat a f*cking donut,

you don't need to tell me what to do.

I'm 25.

Since I was a child, I don't know

any life that's not like this.

-Oh, that's...

-Oh, shut the f*ck up. You know. Yeah.

Oh!

- No, it's so true.

- Ladies.

No, imagine being five

and she's yelling at you about Oreos.

-Imagine being five and that happened.

-We didn't have them.

Well, you didn't...

You... You... You didn't have Oreos?

-No.

-Well, she found them.

No, I did.

- She found them.

- Yeah.

You have a list of foods

you don't want her to eat?

- I do.

- Take it out. Take the list out, Dena.

Take the list out.

Take the list out right now.

No.

First one, coffee with syrups

is horrible for your body.

Only... Only...

-No, there is no way. No way.

-There we go.

Only according to doctors.

But here's Livi's point,

"Life's short, pump it up."

- Exactly. That's what I said.

- Oh!

No.

Life's short and with those pumps,

even shorter, but here's the point...

You can have one coffee a day,

not two or three.

-No syrups.

-One coffee a day with no syrup.

Okay, Hitler.

-Go on.

-Literally.

Go on.

I would like her

to give up everything white.

Wait a minute, hold on.

Sugar, flour, pasta, bread, rice, cheese.

- Okay.

- Dairy.

What would be a happy medium?

She's not gonna give up everything white.

Can you propose something

slightly realistic here?

She should be able

to give up white for two weeks.

- White for two weeks.

- Yeah.

You know what's

gonna happen after two weeks?

She's gonna have a white party.

She's gonna go crazy.

Do you think

it's wrong to try to micromanage

your adult daughter's diet?

Yes!

No. No. Not if

I'm worried about her well-being.

But are you worried about

her well-being or your well-being?

- Exactly.

- Oh, Dena!

'Cause she's projecting.

It's not like she is going to your house

and forcing you

to put vanilla in your coffee.

- I've never done it. Never done that.

- Right?

Does she show up and try to

face-f*ck you with sourdough bread?

- No.

- Never done that.

She's not doing that 'cause she's not

sharing her food. Now listen to me...

There's nothing... Dena, let's trim the fat.

What do you really want your daughter to...

- It's not that funny. It's not that funny.

- Stand up here.

-Stand up.

-All right.

You need an almond mom.

-I do.

-Me and you... Let's be honest.

Me and you need Dena,

we need Dena to follow us around.

-Do you have a mother?

-I do.

-Does she butt into your life?

-She does.

I wish she'd f*ck off. Yeah.

Dena, let's be honest.

You heard it there,

he wants you to f*ck off.

Sir, now, what do you think about this?

Do you have children?

Uh, not yet.

All right, sit down. You know, I, uh...

Nobody gives a sh*t.

Can you stand up? Stand up.

Now, this man shot President Trump.

So I want to ask you,

what do you think about these people?

-I did not sh**t Trump.

-Okay.

What do I think about 'em?

Do you have any opinion?

You're a young man, white,

what do you think?

Uh, I don't know, I think

talking sh*t about your mom is crazy.

I...

Yeah!

Dena.

Do you think it's possible

that for the sake

of your daughter's health,

that you could ease up a little bit?

- I will try.

- "I will try."

Well, we have some good news, Dena.

You're about to have your first test.

Me and your daughter

are feeling slightly frisky.

And we would like to have a little snack.

-It's a healthy snack.

-Okay.

It's from an organic, healthy...

place. Okay?

-Let's see if you can do it.

-Okay.

Please bring out the healthy snack.

- Just not the cherries.

- No, you gotta eat the cherries.

-The cherries are bad for you.

-Now, listen... Listen to me.

-She's pissed.

-Do you feel triggered right now?

Now...

-I want you to try. Dena, get in here.

-Okay.

Get in here a little bit.

Give it a shot.

-Give it a shot, Dena.

-Don't want the strawberry.

Is this mint or pistachio?

Who the f*ck knows?

-Mmm.

-This is mint. This is mint.

-Give it up. Have a little bit!

-This is mint.

-Come on, Mom! Get in there!

-Come on! It's good.

- Go, Mom.

- Come on!

-Eat the cherry! Get it. Eat the cherry!

-Dena! Dena! Dena!

Dena! Dena!

- Eat the cherry!

- Guys, give it up for Livi and Dena!

Give it up for them, everybody!

Thank you so much.

That's $10,000 of Netflix's money. That's...

This was the last season

of House of Cards they didn't make.

I appreciate that.

A round of applause again

for Dena and Livi, everybody.

That goes right to the homeless.

Take that outside

to the homeless encampment right now.

I'm still trying to process this row.

This row is a wild row, I like this row.

This is a wild row.

This white guy is so scared

in the middle of this row right now,

he has no idea what happened.

You just landed in the middle

of a Kamala Harris rally.

You have no idea what's going on.

This white guy is terrified,

but he's also aroused,

and that's what it's about.

That's America right now.

Are we ready to meet some new, fun people?

He said she's turned her back on God

and sold her soul to OnlyFans.

But what he really wants

is her to collaborate

on YouTube with him again.

Welcome to Gen Z hell.

Everybody, welcome Christian.

Christian, come out.

Thank you. Sit down.

-Christian, take a seat.

-Thank you.

-Thank you. Hello.

-Take a seat, Christian.

Now, you used to collaborate a lot

with your cousin Bela.

-Yes, I did.

-On YouTube.

Yes. She was like my best friend,

we grew up together.

I've known her since,

you know, I was a baby.

You've known her

since you were a baby?

-She's on YouTube.

-Yes.

Disrespecting men. What is that?

Can you define that?

So, she'll post a video and be like,

you know, "Hey," you know, "cuss word,"

um, "give me some money," you know.

Like, disrespects them and asks for money,

and then they'll actually send it,

kind of like a gold digger,

but, you know, online.

So you don't think

that's a good use of her time?

Um...

Honestly, I think

she should do what we used to do.

-Like, different types of content.

-What did you used to do?

We used to do just normal

challenge videos, you know, a basic...

Christian.

Nobody wants you and your cousin

doing f*cking challenge videos.

Okay, my bad, my bad.

They would rather her doing findom

or whatever she's doing on YouTube.

- That's right.

- My bad.

My bad.

Should we bring her out?

Should we meet her, everybody?

Should we meet her?

Bring her out!

Bring her out! Bring her out!

Let's bring out Bela, everybody.

Hi.

He says only God, she says OnlyFans.

Now, Bela, what is the beef?

What is his problem?

He has a different perspective

on how I make my money because, you know,

his parents still pay his bills.

Whoa!

What? Wait.

- Whoa, Christian.

- Wait.

Mommy and Daddy don't pay my bills, so...

That's right. Men on the Internet do.

Now...

What do you do to,

uh, get these men to pay?

Bully them.

My mom's literally subscribed

to my OnlyFans to keep me accountable.

I don't post anything inappropriate.

Your mom is subscribed

to your OnlyFans to keep you accountable?

Yeah.

That should have been

the title of the segment. Now...

Now, Christian,

why is it your business if your cousin

wants to pop her P for cash?

Um...

Uh, you know, I care about her

and I look out for her,

I love her, she's, like, my best friend,

like, I want to be involved.

-I want the best for her.

-If you love her, pay her.

-Thank you.

-All right, fine. Fine!

I don't do anything inappropriate,

I don't talk dirty, I don't sell my body.

I literally bully them.

-They just like to be degraded.

-Mm...

How long do you plan

on making money like this?

I make 20K a month off these guys,

so until that goes away...

Whoa.

- What?

- Wow.

Now, get up for a minute. Get up.

Let's be honest, both of you.

Now, you're a subscriber.

- Is it...

- Wait, what?

Is it weird to see her in real life?

-No.

-Yeah, now, what do you think about this?

Who do you think is right here? The...

You know, I don't even know which,

but, you know, what's going on?

- 20K a month is good. I'd... I'd say her.

- Thank you.

Okay, what do you think about this?

Her too.

-Okay. Thank you.

-Right.

Thank you.

It's the Charlottesville Riot.

Thank you, guys,

for coming here.

This is such a weird

Gen Z f*cking problem.

-Know what I mean? I get it.

-This is normal!

You don't want her to do f*cking OnlyFans,

but you want her to waste time with you,

do YouTube, that's the worst argument.

- Thank you.

- You know what I mean?

You're not offering her

a better alternative.

Okay. Um, we could

play Minecraft, Fortnite...

Oh my God.

- Oh my God, dude, no.

- What?

Boo!

- No Minecraft.

- Where's the money?

Can you stand up, sir? Can you stand up?

You got an erection

when you heard the word "Minecraft."

Now, Fortnite is...

Now, let me...

Will you play Fortnite with this guy

so he doesn't bother this woman?

He seems a bit boring.

-Yeah.

-Yeah. It's crazy to ask...

Are you a gamer?

-Not particularly.

-Really?

Yeah. OnlyFans is more fun

than gaming, it seems.

Okay, all right. Would you subscribe?

- How much is it a month?

- I'll bully you!

I don't want to be bullied, no.

You don't wanna be bullied?

He had enough

of it in high school. All right.

Come here, what do you think?

Are you... Who do you... Are you...

Will you stand up for Christian?

No one will. What do you think?

I will stand for my family.

And them both are my family.

-That's my cousin!

-Oh, this is your cousin? Really?

That's my cousin!

So who do you... Who do you agree with?

- Listen, as family...

- Pick a side!

As family goes, we like to stick together,

so I don't want to choose both.

But make your money. Respectfully.

- All right. That's fair.

- Thank you!

That's fair.

-All right, that's fair.

-He gets it.

Bela, is there anything, is there any way

that you would stop doing OnlyFans?

No.

All right. Give it up

for Bela and Christian, everybody.

Clap it up for them.

They should both go to jail.

I've never met a more...

I've never met a more hateable person.

All right.

I've never met a more hateable person.

All right.

I hope the homeless

attack them on the way out. I hope...

I hope their skin is stripped off

their body, one by one. I'm kidding.

They're cute.

What are you gonna do? I mean...

And now, he's here to tell his wife

he lost $200,000 on NFTs,

but don't worry,

he's still a true believer.

Let's meet Francesco, everybody.

Yeah!

- What's up?

- Francesco.

Francesco, you look like every friend

I had who lost money on NFTs.

Tell us what happened.

Well, the first NFthat I invested in was a...

was a picture of a 3D monkey.

-Was it the Bored Ape?

-It was a derivative of that.

-It was a derivative?

-Yes.

So, it wasn't the Bored Ape Yacht Club,

it was a knockoff...

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Jesus Christ. Hold on.

This guy's out here baring his soul.

Now, how much...

do you go and lose with NFTs

after it's all said and done?

So, you know, after we were buying

and selling and, you know, doing all that,

I was in the hole about 200 grand,

you know, by the end of it

Ooh.

Okay. And your wife does not know this?

No, she has no clue

that I lost that much money, yeah.

- Yeah.

- Ooh.

How do you think

she's gonna react when you tell her?

Well, my wife actually

does have a finance background,

and she works for

a big financial institution,

and she's been telling me

that this is not a...

wasn't a good idea for a long time.

You know, for sure.

So, wait a minute.

Your wife, with the financial background,

was telling you

that this was not a good idea?

No.

And you still dumped $200,000

of family money into the...

To be fair, $200,000 was what I lost.

I dumped a lot more than that into it.

Okay, all right. All right.

To be... If we're gonna be honest,

air out our dirty laundry.

Okay, that's fine.

All right, everybody, are you guys ready?

Bring her out!

This show is all about getting honest.

Bring her out! Bring her out!

-That's right.

-Bring her out! Bring her out!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Lindsey!

Lindsey, welcome to the show.

Welcome to the show.

Lindsey, well...

Aw...

Oh, Lindsey, Lindsey, Lindsey.

Welcome to the show.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

How many months are you?

Eight months.

Wow.

Give her a round of applause, everybody.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

And you're aware that your husband

got into crypto and NFTs.

What'd you think about that at the time?

You know, I... I feel it's kind of bullshit.

Um, it's...

Your husband brought you here

because he wants to confess something.

-Oh God.

-To you.

-Okay.

-And we're gonna let him take it away.

Um... Yeah, so...

You know, so, you know, we're having,

you know, another child, you know.

-Yeah.

-And, uh...

I wanted to make sure that,

you know, we came clean about everything

-in our financial situation.

-Uh-huh.

Our financial...

Uh, you know, the story

of our financials, you know...

-You sound like Joe Biden.

-Yeah.

- I, you know... Yeah, I got out. Yeah.

- Spit it out already!

So...

Spit it out! Spit it out!

Spit it out! Spit it out! Spit it out!

Spit it out! Spit it out!

So, you know, to come clean, um...

I did lose, uh, you know,

around $200,000 of our money in that.

What?

Ooh!

I did lose about...

about that amount. However...

-However...

-Wait. Wait a minute.

You know, there are new opportunities.

You know, there are new coins.

So it... it... it...

So there's these new coins

called shitcoins now.

-Babe.

-And...

Hold on. Hold on. Let's...

Let's give your wife Lindsey a minute

to just deal with what you just said

before you start pitching her

on shitcoins, you psychopath.

I mean, Jesus Christ.

I mean...

Hold on.

Two hundred thousand dollars?

-Yep.

-Are you insane?

Are you insane?

Two hundred thousand dollars?

Only when what you do... You know,

when people say what you do is crazy,

only then are you doing enough.

That's what I live by, that's my...

- Babe.

- That's my, like...

Two hundred thousand dollars?

Wait a minute,

what Gary Vaynerchuk quote is that?

Come here for a second.

If this guy...

If anyone will agree with you,

it's gonna be someone like this here.

Come here, let me...

You look pretty sympathetic to this.

Do you support...

This is a guy you'd do coke with in Miami.

Now, what are you...

When you hear this guy, what do you think?

He lost $200,000, how do you feel?

All right, admittedly, I did trade crypto.

Wait a minute, we are... we are shocked.

You could have opted into,

like, a Roth IRA,

you could have put your money

into a trust, government bonds.

Those pay out so well, in, like, 30 years.

You would have been set up for retirement.

All right, sit down. Sit down.

This guy's cucking

for JPMorgan on the show,

that's not what we want.

I got him up because I thought he was

going to be cool and on Molly and sh*t.

And then he's talking about

f*cking Roth IRAs.

Your husband's a lot cooler

than this f*cking guy.

-I'm telling you right now.

-He's not.

Will you... Can you...

Can you please just weigh in here

because you look like a scumbag.

Is there any way...

Can you please back this guy up?

Is there any...

I mean, you understand, right?

- It could have gone up.

- Do not do it.

I wish I could, I don't think he has it.

I think you got to switch turns.

Let her handle the finances.

You handle the children,

seems you're more capable of that.

- What do you... Oh-h*-h*-h*. Wait a minute.

- Oh!

Is there anyone who will support this guy?

-Is there any guy who will? Or woman?

-No.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, stand up. Thank you, guy.

Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you so mu...

You look like

a character witness in a r*pe trial.

I mean, Jesus Christ.

Hey, it was a tough year.

You were trying to do

something good for your family.

You were trying to make an investment.

This is America. And the dream can happen.

Listen, Lindsey,

American Psycho makes a good point.

I mean, even on the way here,

I see this f*cking hamster,

with, like, money popping off of it.

And I'm like,

"What is that?"

-Hamster Kombat. Big crypto.

-What is that?

-Hamster Kombat.

-That's the sh*t I don't want to see.

Wait a minute. Hold on.

Hold on. Hamster Kombat?

Hamster Kombat. Yes.

- This sounds kinda badass.

- It's pretty good.

Wait a minute. Hold on. What...

Is it hamsters that kind of fight?

No! It's one hamster.

-And all it does is...

-She doesn't understand.

He just hits it

and little money signs pop up.

No, but I like this. Go on about this.

Now... No, no, no, you judgmental c**ts.

Now, listen to me, this...

This is a hamster and what happens?

Well, the hamster,

it just appears out of thin air,

the more you touch it, the more you...

the more you click on it,

and then it becomes a CEO,

and you can buy a Lambo with the ham...

Lindsey, you see this hamster

on the plane, what do you think?

Right. I'm like,

"Okay, what the hell are you doing?"

I'm like, "Turn the phone.

Let me see the phone."

"Let me see the phone." Know what it was?

-It was...

-A woodchuck?

It was two cartoon women

called, "Twerk-something,"

and the more you press it,

the bigger their butts grow.

It's a mini-game

that's part of Hamster Kombat.

So to answer your question,

to answer your question,

what I would like

is to not ever see any of this sh*t again.

Francesco, will you promise

to your beautiful pregnant wife right now

that you will not play...

Mm-hmm.

...with hamsters,

penguins,

apes, or big-butted women?

If that's what it takes to keep you...

If that's what it takes... if that...

If... If... If it's my wife or the crypto,

I would choose my wife.

All right, give them a round of applause.

Let's give them a round of applause.

Lindsey, do you accept this?

I'll believe it when I see it.

All right. Well, give her a big hug.

Give her a big hug and a kiss.

Come on.

That's your hamster right there.

- That's your big hamster.

- I love you.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up

for Lindsey and Francesco, everybody.

Give them a round of applause.

Give 'em a round of applause.

Thank you guys so much

for coming on. Good luck.

Francesco, I have

some opportunities for you later.

We'll figure it out. We'll talk.

Well, after what we've seen here tonight,

we can only come to one conclusion.

Harvey Weinstein is innocent.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

The American people are very sick

and there's not much we can do about it.

There's not enough prisons to house them,

and we can't send them all to fight China.

So, what can we do?

We can keep feeding them

and paying them for sex.

Thank you for watching,

and register to vote! Good night!

Are you willing to twerk for Kamala?

Twerk for Kamala right now.

Twerk for Kamala. That's not twerking.

That's not twerk. That's horrible.

-You say you're a magician, right?

-Yeah.

So pull the rabbit out of the hat

and follow the White Rabbit for the truth.

Okay, that was terrible.

But the point is this...

It was absolutely terrible.

- Freedom...

- Yeah.

How... How f*cking stupid is the entire...

I mean, this is amazing.

These women are treating you

like a piata, but you're allowing it to...

That's... And it's not because

you're Mexican.

It's not because you're Mexican.

Oh, Mom!

So...

your boys, you would not manage as much,

but if your daughter became

a fatty boom-batty, you would...

-You would get involved?

-I'd be pretty upset.

-Maya, are you in a relationship now?

-I am.

-And what type of man are you with now?

-A provider.

-A generous man.

-A generous man. Okay.

-And how old is he?

-He's 84.

He's 84.

He's 84 years...

He's...

How creepy are white people?

I'm not a gold-digging wh*re,

but I am a size queen,

and the fact that

you can cross your legs like that,

- I don't have the time.

- Oh!

Oh!

Jose! Jose!

I mean... Right?

-You're saying he's got a p*ssy?

-Yes.

k*ll John McCain! k*ll John McCain!

k*ll John McCain!

k*ll John McCain!