02x13 - A No Hair Day/That's My Dad

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann
-Pepper Ann

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

-Is she anybody's fool?
-[ALARM RINGING]

-Pepper Ann
-Pepper Ann

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can
Pepper Ann!

-BOY: Who?
-GIRL1: Is that that girl from gym class?

-MOOSE: No, that's me.
-GIRL: Oh.

GIRL 2: Who is she and why does she have
her own song?

-PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?
-[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

No one's cooler than Pepper Ann
She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann...

Look! A French poodle!

-Catch her if you can Pepper Ann
-WOMAN: [SPEAKING FRENCH]

[THEME SONG ENDS]

Did Alice Kane really pick Pink-Eye Pete
to be her lab partner?

-They share a microscope.
-[ALL GROAN]

Listen to us being petty
and closed minded.

I say kudos to Alice Kane
for reaching out to her fellow...

Why did you do it, Alice Kane? Why?

Simple, P-Ann. Pink Eye Pete has no...
[SCOFFS]

...social pressures to distract him
from schoolwork.

With him as my lab partner,
I'm guaranteed to maintain

my "A" average.

Ew, I told you to wear protective gloves
when you touched my things!

-[PANTING]
-So sad.

A gallon of Chillade says
she has pink eye in three days.

Make it two gallons and you're on.

-What up, Pepper Ann?
-Craig. [CHUCKLES] Uh, hi!

Have you checked the
new Flaming Snot song, "Gray Matters?"

-Uh-huh.
-[NICKY CHUCKLES]

My Mom went to junior college
with Mick Snot.

That rocks.

Hey, some of us swim team guys
are going for Sleetzcups after school.

Uh, at Freezy Pleezy? Today?

Whatever.
If you're doing something else...

-P.A., Brain Dead after school?
-Absolutely! I am so there.

No. No plans.

Are you sure I should go in?
What if it wasn't an invitation?

What if he was just making conversation?

I... I...

But maybe it was just a Sleetzcup...

But if it wasn't...

Utter fool of...

Go in or not...

Whatever, loser-go-round.

[GROANS] Oh.

-[GASPS]
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[GASPS]

Wha... Wha...

Oh, the do? Yeah, it's for swim team.

Coach Doogan shaved our heads
so we'd cut through the water faster.

So, I was thinkin' 'bout Gray Matters.

What if Mick Snot
is saying gray matters...

as in, don't dis gray
just cause it's a boring color. You know?

[BEEPING]

Fore!

That was some shot!
Don't ya think, Pepper Ann?

Pepper Ann?

Are you okay?

Uh, I just remembered
I have to meet Nicky and Milo

at Brain Bald... Bald Head... Brain Dead!

Nicky, he looks terrible!

Shh. He's in his awkward years.

Not Milo. Craig Bean. He shaved his head.

The entire swim team
shaved their heads. Look!

Ooh, la, la.

No! Craig's head is lumpy and...

Pepper Ann. Craig Bean is the coolest guy
in the entire eighth grade.

Nothing can make him look bad.

You were just shocked
to see him like that.

Kinda like when they
revamped Fuzzy in '92.

Not ugly, just different.

-You think?
-Bald is bold, P.A.

A look once enjoyed only by such renegades
as Telly Savalas and Yul Brynner

-is now embraced by thousands.
-Milo's right.

There's Michael Jordan,
the Dalí Lama, Billy Corgan.

-Keenen and Damon Wayans.
-Curly of "Stooge" fame.

Could the swim team boys be any cuter?

-Bald...
-Really is...

Beautiful.

Yup, and one of those hairless hotties
owes me a Sleetzcup.

-[SCREAMS]
-[GASPS]

I've been struck blind
by the horrific sight of him!

Oh. What's the big deal? He looks nifty.

Okay. Does Craig look weird to you?

I think his head is lopsided.

[SHIVERS]

If we're going to share lab tools,
we have to fix that eye.

Here, apply this salve eight times a day
to reduce redness and itching.

ANN: Look at her, trying to change him.

If she's gonna hang with him,
she should accept him for who he is.

Now, you think Craig is the cowboy type,
or more of a fez man?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

-What up?
-[CHUCKLES] Not much hair... here.

I felt awful about bailing on you
yesterday, so I, so I got you a...

a fedora!

If Michael Jackson can still work it,
so can you!

That's rad of you,
but I dig the feel of wind on my scalp.

Craig, I hate to be the one
to tell you this but...

your head is... Well, your scalp is, uh...

It's not me. It's just that...
people are giving you weird looks.

They're, they're staring at you.

Probably even making up names like,
Craig-Craig the Mutant Head

and, and Sir Lumps-A-Lot.

Pepper Ann, it doesn't matter
what some posers say about me.

My friends don't care
about whacked stuff like that.

So, hey, you going to Freezy Pleezy
after school today?

-[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
-Oh! Bell!

Let's say there's this guy
who was really cute,

and you liked him,
but then he wasn't so cute,

and you weren't sure anymore.

What would that make you...
shallow or... heartless?

-Who did you...
-.Say was cute?

-Is there a name...
-Attached to this...

Story?

This is just between us, right?

'Cause, your opinion of a person
shouldn't change

just because his hair did, right?

Right! You have to look
past the physical...

TRINKET: Straight into the bank account.

It's really tearing me apart,
'cause he keeps asking me

to get a Sleetzcup... I think?

Oh, no, Pepper Ann,
you've got it all wrong.

Sleetzcups are just the poor man's
Frozurt Sundae.

Now, that is a dessert.

[GASPS] Oh, chocolate and caramel
and peanut and mallow,

just a little sprinkle of ze nutmeg.

I don't think they'll let you fire
a human head in the kiln.

[SIGHS] I'm horrible, horrible, horrible.

Don't compare yourself to me, P.A.
We each have our own talents.

Pepper Ann, remember when Ms. Bladdar
taught us the word "obsessive?"

I don't have time for vocabulary!
I can only think about Craig's head.

Enough about Craig!

Maybe you were just using him
as a trophy hottie.

And now that his head
doesn't fit on your shelf,

you want to change him back,
instead of accepting him as he is.

Come on. You only have to wear it
in the science lab!

You're treating Craig just like Alice Kane
is treating Pink Eye Pete.

[GASPS] That's not true.
I'm not that shallow!

So, Craig isn't perfect.

There is no reason
why I can't be friends with him.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

-[CHUCKLES]
-[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

-[GASPS, GROANS]
-[GASPS]

I thought Craig
was going to be here today.

-[GASPS]
-[CROWD SCREAMING]

-Hey, Pearson...
-It's no use!

-He's too top-heavy!
-[SCREAMS]

That's it. I have to tell Craig
we can never talk to each other again!

We have to talk.

This is not by any means,
an easy thing for me.

-I have struggled long and hard.
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-Those girls are staring at you.
-Whatever.

-You were saying?
-You and I can no longer...

Great look, Pepper Ann.

Trying on a new mud mask,
or just opposed to bathing?

Step off, chick.

That's my friend.
you just got your spit all over.

I was just kidding, Pepper Ann!

-Bye!
-Bye!

GIRL: Craig!
You don't need to be so sensitive.

You... stood up for me.

Yeah. That girl is whack.
So, what did you wanna talk about?

Uh... Freezy Pleazy.
You still going for that Sleetzcup today?

Believe it.

[PANTS] Could you please slow down.
The lab stays open 'til 6:00.

Trap, shut it!
You're lucky to have a lab partner!

Just a sec.
There's something I have to do.

Alice Kane, you owe Pete an apology.

Hey, Pepper Ann's gonna beat up
Alice Kane!

I've had enough of the way
you've been treating Pink-Eye Pete.

So, his eye's a little pinker than yours.

My hair's a little redder.
His stomach's a little rounder.

We have to look past the pink eyes
and the lopsided heads in the world

and get to know the people underneath.

-You said it, sister.
-Rock on, P.A.!

I don't have time for this P-Ann.
I've got somewhere to be.

[SCREAMS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Need a hand, Alice Kane?

[CHUCKLES] Sorry,
I'm not wearing protective gloves!

[ALL GASP]

Hey! Shelf McClain's gonna beat up
the chess club.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Wow, Pepper Ann.
No one's ever stood up for me before.

Thanks.

Hey, Pearson. Ready for that Sleetzcup?

-Believe it!
-Ready, lab partner?

Uh... I think Alice Kane
had somewhere to be.

No! You! From now on, it's you,
me and mitosis makes three.

Well, actually four! [LAUGHS]

You know, Pepper Ann did a great thing,
sticking up for Pete like that.

Totally.

A gallon of Chillade says
she has Pink-Eye in three days.

Make it two gallons and you're on.

-She's twisted. She is twisted.
-FYI, Nicky.

Next time Coach Doogan yells "heads up,"
don't actually lift your head up.

What kind of stupid warning is that?

Is it so hard to say, "Look away,
there's a plastic sphere

hurtling towards your face."

-ANN: What up, Milo-comotion?
-My stepdad's late again.

He's taking me to a classic car show
at the Acorn Arena.

He must have lotto fever.

Time means nothing to him
once the jackpot gets over 20 mil.

[SCOFFS] My Dad is the same way.

-He plays lotto?
-[LAUGHS]

Seriously though,
he does get similarly scatterbrained

when the Nasdaq hits a slump.

-Fathers, huh?
-Tell me about it.

What?

Does your Dad
have any weird little quirks?

Any amusing idiosyncrasies?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah! Boy, does he ever!

My Dad is just one big, walking...
idiosyncrasy... quirk... person.

-We're 12 years old. Why?
-[BEEPS]

-We are wearing pajamas. Why?
-[BEEPS]

We live at 143, Franky Circle.

-Why?
-[BEEPS]

-Uh-oh.
-Uh-oh.

MAN ON TV: We'll be right back,
with a very special

"Crazy Twin Shenanigans."

I told you not to go in that chat room!

Don't you know you should never type
to strangers!

Hey, kids!
How well do you know your Dad?

Well enough to become a contestant
on a brand new game show

called "That's My Dad!"

We're looking for father-child teams
to put their knowledge

of each other to the test!

So, come on down.
to the channel 96 building

for tryouts this Sunday!
You'll be "Dad" you did!

Finally. A game show stupider
than Guess My Mama.

Are you crazy? I love Guess My Mama!

When ze phony Mamas
have to confess their lies... [CHUCKLES]

...it gives me skin bumps!

-Excuse me, but can we...
-.Get back to the really...

Important message in last night's show?

Hello? The...

That's My Dad! tryouts
are this weekend!

Duh!

I still think that's the dumbest idea
for a game show ever.

Of course, you do. I mean, no offense,
but you don't even live with your Dad.

-Look at the time!
-My back is k*lling me!

-Gotta... go!
-I'm late for my "Booty of Steel" class!

Just because I don't live with my Dad,
doesn't mean I don't know him.

I'm just saying,
that you wouldn't know your Dad

as well as someone
who sees their Dad every day.

I see my Dad one weekend every month
and I talk to him on the phone

all the time.

-Great, but that doesn't change...
-Listen, sweet cakes.

If you knew your Dad half as well
as you know the PIN number on his bankcard

then I might actually take
your opinion seriously.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

Mom! Do you know
what Dad's favorite color is?

His favorite food?
Does he have any hobbies?

Woah! Slow down, Peppie! Where's the fire?

At Channel 96 this Sunday,
where Dad and I will be roasting

Trinket and her "father."

Use a glass, young lady.
This isn't the Daisy Fuentes Beach House.

I signed me and Dad up to try out
for some dumb new game show

called That's My Dad!

Well, that's great.

I think it's wonderful
you want to do something like that

with your father.

Guess My Mama has been on
for nine years,

but no one wants to try out
for that now, do they?

I have to call Dad and let him know!

We should start quizzing each other
immediately.

Oh, Peppie, your father's
going to be flying all week.

Maybe you can quiz each other
when you see him on Saturday.

Oh, well. Well, the tryouts are Sunday.

I guess that gives us enough time.

That doesn't give you enough time!
You gotta get crackin'!

What, you think Trinket's
just lying around, doing nothing?

And her roots were totally showing.

I think it's so sad.
When a mature woman lets herself go.

Maybe you're right.

I guess it couldn't hurt
to start brushing up on "Dad."

Shut the freezer, Peppie.
This isn't the Trump Tower.

[BLOWS AIR]

These are the letters Dad wrote to Mom
when they were first married.

He had just gotten his blimp
pilot's license

and was doing a lot of flying.

Your parents were married?

"Dearest Lydia,
I hope this letter finds you well.

"Oh, how I miss you!
Your smile, your laugh!

"The way the sun glistens off your...

"Love, Chuck."

-What happened to the rest of it?
-What the...

-Mom! Mom!
-MOM: Yes, Peppie?

How come Dad's letters to you
are all cut-up

just when they start to get interesting?

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Mom?

Who needs letters
when a picture tells a thousand words?

Everything I need to know about Dad
is here in these old albums.

-Okay, pop quiz.
-What is your Dad's favorite holiday?

Falling asleep in front of the TV!

Hand me the red pen.

Okay. What is your Dad's
proudest accomplishment?

Uh... Wearing a St. Patrick's Day hat
that says "Keep Yer Nubbins Off Me Gold!"

All righty.
What is your Dad's favorite pastime?

Um, having his face licked
by a mischievous giraffe?

-What are you doing?
-Trying to sleep.

Uh-huh.

And I suppose Dad's '92 tax returns
are just gonna memorize themselves?

I've given up on going through
Dad's old things.

We are total strangers!

If I bumped into him on the street
I probably wouldn't even recognize him.

-Hey! I'm walking here!
-Buzz off.

Don't panic. Dad will be here on Saturday.

You'll still have a day to cram
before the tryouts!

Yeah, okay. Good.

I'll pack the details of his life
into one fact-filled day!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

CHUCK: Hey there, Moosey!
How's about a hug for your dear old Dad?

-Hey, Dad...
-Hi, Dad!

Pepper, Pepper, Pepper!
Oh, my girl is growing like a redwood!

[LAUGHS] Oh, Dad!
So, you're into forestry, huh?

Oh, Chuck! Well, I just completely forgot
you were coming this morning.

-Hello, Lydia. You're looking well.
-Why're you dressed up?

Well honey,
I'm speaking at the "Bobbins & Notions"

-clothing convention today. [CHUCKLES]
-I thought that was last weekend.

[LAUGHS] She is a regular jokester!
Jokes, jokes, jokes, all the time jokes!

Are you familiar with a dumb
new game show called That's My Dad! ?

Dad, I notice you're not looking
at the egg or omelet section.

Is it that you don't like eggs
or are you watching your cholesterol?

You're a flapjack man, aren't you?

Piggy say yum!

I notice you're playing
with the yellow ball.

Yellow often signifies
"creativity and "spunk."

Do you feel these words
adequately describe you?

This was the only ball
that didn't have teeth marks.

Psst. I notice we're seeing
the raucous family comedy,

Honey, I Put the Kids
in the Pocket of My Khaki's

and Sent Them to the Dry Cleaners.

Are you a big fan of this kind
of movie genre?

FEMALE VOICE: Oh, this is a worst stain!
I put "spin cycle."

Peppie, shh.

-[TIRES SCREECHING]
-Wasn't that a fun time, girls?

-Yeah!
-Uh-huh, yeah, fun.

You know, Dad,
you gave a really evasive answer

to my "ketchup vs. salsa" question.

Pepper Ann, don't you think
you've asked me enough questions?

Sorry Dad, but I just want to make sure
we're ready for tomorrow.

I know, sweetheart, and we are ready.

No one knows each other
better than we do, right?

Right.

This should be a lot of fun, eh?

Dad's favorite sitcom star, Fran Drescher.
Dad's favorite food, chitlins.

Dad's favorite deodorant...
Umm... [CLICKS TONGUE] Oh, I know this.

Okay! I believe that brings your score
to a perfect and amazing 100!

Anything's possible
when you love each other like we do.

And when you live together like we do.

[SIGHS] Uh... I'm gonna go get some water.

You can't give up now! Come on!
Favorite deodorant, you know this...

Trinket was right.
Dad and I are total strangers.

Strangers? What's going on, sweetheart?

Trinket said we didn't know each other
because we don't live together,

and at first I told her to staple it shut,
but now I realize she was right.

Oh, Pepper Ann!

What does it matter if you don't know
what kind of socks I wear

or if I can name
your ten favorite vegetables?

What matters is that we enjoy
spending time together.

Just because people live together,
doesn't mean they know each other.

That's certainly not the kind
of relationship I want to have.

Me neither.

ANNOUNCER: Pearson, Chuck and Pepper Ann!
You're up next.

-Pearson!
-I've got ten hours before I fly out.

What say, we blow this pop stand,
pick up your sister,

and hit the skating rink?

Dad, I thought you hated skating.

I do. And raucous family comedies.

-Really? I didn't know that.
-Just don't tell your sister.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES]