02x05 - Vanessa Less Tessa/Peer Counsellor P.A.

[bunniefuu]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

Who's that girl, what's her name?
Is she cool, is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's-her-name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame, is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

-Is she anybody's fool, Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann...

-BOY: Who?
-GIRL: Is that that girl from gym class?

-BOY 1: No, that's me.
-GIRL 1: Oh.

Who is she,
and why does she have her own song?

BOY 2: Did someone take my lunch?

...Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

No one's cooler than Pepper Ann
She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann...

The letter Q!

...Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann

[THEME SONG CONCLUDES]

ANNOUNCER
And now, back to Crazy Twin Shenanigans.

Gina! You insulted Bryant
when you were wearing my sweater!

Well, he might not have thought
I was you, Tina.

-PEPPER ANN: [LAUGHING] It says Tina.
-[AUDIENCE OVER TV LAUGHING]

LYDIA: Pepper Ann, dinner.

Mom!
The shenanigans are just getting good.

LYDIA: Okay. Moose,
do you want Peppie's chicken mole?

-Wait! I'm coming!
-[TV CLICKING]

Oh, man, when Gina put on Tina's sweater,
I knew there'd be trouble.

I don't know how you can watch
all those TV shows.

You should learn to appreciate
the simple pleasure

of picking up a book or a periodical.

Hey, I pick up a periodical every day.
The TV listings! [LAUGHS]

I'll admit, Crazy Twin Shenanigans
is an amusing waste of time,

but a waste of time, nonetheless.

Waste of time? [SCOFFS]

What do you call your 16th-century haiku
discussion groups?

Crazy Twin Shenanigans is genius.
Right, Milo?

Milo?

We're meeting him at Greezy 'N Cheezy
in ten minutes, remember?

Well, Milo would agree.

That show gives us single birthies a peek
into the wonderful world of being a twin.

-TESSA: I wish I never...
-VANESSA: Had a twin!

-Why won't you just admit that you're...
-VANESSA: Wrong? You're the one who's...

-Wrong? Well, at least I'm not...
-VANESSA:[GASPS] Neither am I!

-[GASPS] Can you believe that?
-I don't even know what they were saying.

Nicky, I can help them.

I've seen this a million times
on Crazy Twin Shenanigans.

I'm gonna go talk to Vanessa.
Uh, no, Tessa. No, no, Vanessa.

Pepper Ann, watching some TV show
doesn't make you equipped

to solve Tessa and Vanessa's problems.

Life is a lot more complicated
than TV often makes it appear.

And 16th-century haiku
is not a waste of time!

-Can I help you?
-No, Vanessa, but I can help you.

I'm gonna get you your twin back.

No offense, Pepper Ann,
but what do you know about having a twin?

[SCOFFS] Only eight seasons worth
of Crazy Twin Shenanigans.

-I appreciate the thought, but...
-Don't you see?

All those hours watching TV
were preparation for this very moment.

You wanna hear my plan? It's really funny.

I'm gonna go apologize to Tessa.

No way! That'll never work.
Here's the plan.

You make Tessa jealous
by adopting a new twin, i.e. me.

And she'll come apologizing to you.

Really? Just like that?

I've seen it work on my own TV.
What do you say? Huh? Huh? Twin?

Vanessa, I was talking to Nicky
and I just wanted to say that I'm...

Tessa! I'd like you to meet my new twin,
Pepper Ann.

-What?
-What?

-That's right. Pepper Ann is my...
-Uh... uh, new twin.

Pepper Ann! I don't care
what they did on some TV show.

You can't just declare someone your twin.

Nicky? Is that Stewart Walldinger
slipping a note into your locker?

No.

[SIGHS]

PEPPER ANN: Morning, womb mate!

-What are you wearing?
-What you're wearing. We're twins!

Pepper Ann,
Tessa and I never dressed alike.

This is all part of the plan
to get Tessa back.

Now, quick, let's switch seats
so we can take each other's science tests!

What does switching seats
have to do with getting Tessa back?

Nothing. I just didn't study.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

VANESSA: Is Tessa looking over here?

-What about now? Is she looking over now?
-[SLURPS]

Why hasn't she apologized yet?

Vanessa, don't sweat it.
We just have to move on to plan two.

Now, what's the one thing
that Tessa can't live without?

Me! That's supposed to be me!

Gossip. The two of you live for gossip.

If it somehow got back to Tessa
that you missed her,

she'll come make up with you.

But why don't I just tell Tessa
that I miss her in person?

Because that's not how Tina
and Gina did it

in the "Rumor Milieu" episode. Watch.

Gwen Mezzrow, don't let this get around,

but I heard that Vanessa said
that life without Tessa is horribly sad.

-[WHISPERS]
-[WHISPERS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Oh, yeah, Vanessa?

Well, my life without you
is enjoyably rad too!

If you can't trust a rumor,
what can you trust?

This worked wonders for Tina and Gina
in the "Girls in the Attic" episode.

But I like sharing a room with Tessa.

And she likes sharing a room with you.

She'll beg you to move back
and you'll make up.

Wouldn't it be easier
if I just apologized,

and explained that the cafeteria
was a misunderstanding?

Do you think Tina explained to Gina

why she pretended to be her
and blew the cheerleader tryouts?

[CHUCKLES] Now, which way to the attic.

So, you don't have an attic.
This pantry will do the trick.

It's kind of cramped.

You won't really have to stay here.

Tina... I mean, Tessa
will come knocking any second.

-[DOOR KNOCKING]
-See? What did I tell ya?

Can you hand me a can of peaches?

Vanessa! Why aren't you in gym?

Coach Doogan sent me
for scoliosis screening

when she saw I couldn't stand up straight.

I told her the ceiling in my pantry
is only three foot four, but...

-[BONES CRUNCHING]
-Pepper Ann, I think...

maybe it's time for an apology.

-I'm gonna go talk to Tessa.
-No, no, wait.

It is way too late to just talk to her.

Don't worry, I have a plan.
The shenanigan to end all shenanigans.

At approximately 2:28, Principal Hickey
steps outside to get some air,

and at that same time,
Vera takes her afternoon nap.

-[SNORES]
-[TYPEWRITER DINGS]

Are you sure this'll work?

It worked like a charm
in the "Micro Phonies" episode.

Nicky, what are you doing here?

I'm delivering a note for Mr. Carter.
What are you doing here?

Uh...

This isn't another scheme you got off
that wacky twin meanderings show, is it?

-No.
-[INTERCOM DINGING]

VANESSA: Attention, everyone.

I have something to say to my twin, Tessa.
These past few days have been...

What in the name of Sam Donaldson
is going on in here?

-Pepper Ann, Vanessa, this is an outrage.
-[FEEDBACK]

PRINCIPAL HICKEY:
I'm sending you both to detention.

-You too, Nicky.
-NICKY: But I was just...

PRINCIPAL HICKEY: Don't push me, Little.

And Tessa James,
if Vanessa's up to something,

you must be involved too.

I'll see you in detention with the rest
of these delinquents.

-Nicky.
-I had a perfect record, Pepper Ann.

They were making me a plaque.

-Vanessa twin!
-Don't talk to me.

Tessa?

-Look. We can work this out.
-Pepper Ann, I have detention for a month,

I'm sleeping in a pantry,
and I'm still not speaking to my twin.

What exactly is it we can work out?

It just seemed like so much fun
on Crazy Twin Shenanigans.

-What happened after the fun?
-Huh?

Like, what happened after Gina
apologized to Tina on the PA system?

Uh. [GASPS] Mom called me to dinner.

What about the rumor episode,
what happened in the end of that one?

Mm! [SLURPS]
Aunt Janie showed up with pizzas!

Pepper Ann, are you trying to tell us

that you haven't seen
the end of those episodes?

No! I haven't seen the end of any episode.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

FEMALE SINGERS: [OVER TV]
Getting into trouble near and far

The twins aren't crazy
The shenanigans are!

Where does one end and the other begin?
It's Crazy Twin Shenanigans!

[LAUGHS] Oh. This is "Treble Trouble,"
where Tina signs up for orchestra

-and then...
-Fast-forward.

Gee, Gina, I guess, all the schemes
were my dumb way

of telling you I was jealous
of your cello.

-I should have just talked to ya.
-[AUDIENCE OVER TV GROANING]

[TV STATIC]

Gee, Tina, if I had just explained
why I pretended to be you

and blew the cheerleader tryouts,
none of this would have happened.

[TV STATIC]

Gee, Gina,
I guess, rumors can sh**t to k*ll.

I should have just apologized
in the first place.

-[AUDIENCE OVER TV GROANS]
-Oops.

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-Vanessa, I finally figured it out.

At the end
of the "Sweater Switch" episode,

-Tina realizes that...
-VANESSA: Stop it!

I never want to hear another one

of your crazy shenanigans
as long as I live.

You have no idea what it means
to be a twin.

You're right, Vanessa.
I did you wrong. I did Tessa wrong.

I made the mistake of simplifying life
into a TV show,

and of never catching the last ten minutes
of Crazy Twin Shenanigans.

But listen,
at the end of "Sweater Switch,"

Gina realized
that what she should've done all along

was apologize for wearing Tina's sweater.
Don't you see?

Just apologize to Tessa,
and you can be twins again.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-[STUDENTS CHEER]
-[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

You were right.
Life is more complicated than TV.

In a way, you were right too.
I guess, TV isn't a waste of time.

Just like your average John Grisham
airport novel,

you have to look behind all the hijinks
and pratfalls to find the real message.

MILO: Nicky's right.

The hijinks are for laughing,
but the lessons are for learning.

Milo? Where have you been?

I was waiting for you guys
at the Greezy 'N Cheezy.

-For three days?
-I was eating sauce.

Well, Milo, yours truly has helped Tessa
and Vanessa make up from a nasty fight.

After making them miserable
for several days.

Rad. What were they fighting about?

Uh...

-VANESSA: I'm an idiot...
-TESSA: Savant!

VANESSA: How could we have argued about...

-TESSA: Who was cuter?
-I should never have insisted

that you were the cute one.

They were fighting over who was cuter?

I wasted my best shenanigans on you two!
And for what?

So, identical twins could fight
about who was cuter? [GRUNTS]

Calm down, Pepper Ann.

Remember
the "Temper Tantrum Times Two" episode?

MILO: I know someone
who could use some sauce.

[LAUGH TRACK PLAYS]

Redfire to alpha base one.
I'm coming up on Castle Schmutz. Over.

-[RADIO STATIC]
-PEPPER ANN: I'll have our boy

free by sundown.

-RADIO OPERATOR: Godspeed, Redfire.
-[g*n SHOTS]

PEPPER ANN: [GASPS] Bogeys, nine o'clock!

[g*nshots]

PEPPER ANN: I've been hit!

RADIO OPERATOR: Bail out, Redfire.
Bail out!

We'll meet again, Rolfenhammer.

LYDIA: Pepper Ann, would you please
get your head out of the clouds?

Where's all my money?

Last night you told me
to break out the cash.

No, Peppie,
I told you to take out the trash.

If you don't stop daydreaming
and start paying attention,

you'll put us in the poorhouse!

-Oh, Mom, there is no poorhouse anymore.
-[CAR ENGINE REVS]

We'd be on the streets.

Overall, I thought your reports
were freshy, fresh, fresh!

This is it, Milo.

B plus! [SMOOCHES] Pup power!

I didn't wait until the last second,
did extensive research,

cited all my sources. [GASPS]
I'm bound to get an A!

Acceptably above-average.

[GASPS] C plus? But that's impossible!

You were supposed to write five pages
about 50 famous Americans,

not 50 pages about five famous Americans!

-Oh!
-Okay, funky bunch!

It's extra credit time!

If you want E.C., say "Yo, yo!"

Yo, yo!

What am I gonna do?

What if I don't pass this class
and can't get in to a state college?

I have a rad assignment for those of you
in need of grade boostage.

Uh, PA, Mr. Finky's trying...

Not to mention, it cost me
three cents a page to print at Ginko's!

We're going to try something fly
this time, something... [BUZZES]

Other option is trade school.

Only I have no woodworking skills
and can't really type.

Mr. Finky's trying to tell you...

Now, I'm going to have to do
the extra credit assignment.

[BUZZES] ...Pier... [BUZZES]

Did he just say "pier"?

-[BELLS RINGING]
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-[CHEERS]
-Help.

So, any more freaky folks
want to volunteer for extra credit?

Cotton candy and extra credit? Yu-huh!

Are you sure there's no permission slip
for me to sign?

Mother, I'm in middle school now.

They don't make our parents
sign permission slips anymore!

Well, I could swear I signed something
when you went

to that toilet seat cover factory,
but if you say so. Have fun!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Everyone who volunteered yesterday,
strike a pose.

So long suckers!
I'll have some saltwater taffy for you!

No one said there'd be taffy.

This is what I signed up for?
Peer Counseling?

I think you're wise to maintain a casual,
beachy appearance.

-It'll put your counselees at ease!
-[GROANS]

MR. FINKY: Okay, everyone.
Rule number one.

The very backbone of counseling
is to listen to your counselees.

-Your evil must be stopped, Xandar!
-We'll see about that, Warrior Ann.

Taste my Ch'lokthian ray, evildoer!

-Hey, shouldn't you be listening to Finky?
-Evil Xandar speaks the truth.

Your short attention span is what got you
into this in the first place.

I do not have a short attention span.
Now, finish him!

If I destroy him, then I become like him.
Do your own dirty work.

[STICK FIGURE PEPPER ANN GROANS]

Huh?

-[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
-[GASPS]

Make them feel at ease, check.

Maintain eye contact, check.

Is listening on your list?

[SCOFFS] Of course, it is.

Well, Peppie, I'm proud of you.

Even though listening
isn't really your strength,

you're still giving
this counseling thing a shot.

What is with everybody?
I am plenty good at listening!

That's when I asked myself,
"Gee, Pete, where do babies come from?"

So, I went to the library,
and browsed through the microfiche...

[SNORES]

-It's just annoying...
-When people try to...

TESSA: Tell us apart.

-We're exactly...
-VANESSA: Perfectly...

-[OINKS]
-TESSA: Alike.

Look what I made. A piggy!

And, like,
I would love to be Homecoming Queen,

but then how would I have time
for cheerleading?

Mm-hmm. Hmm. I see.

[SOBS] Life is so, like, hard!

Blah, blah, blah. Blah.

-Blah, blah, Pepper Ann, blah...
-PEPPER ANN: Is Craig sick today?

I didn't see him this morning
after second period.

I wonder if he needs me?

Hello?
Like, what do you think, Pepper Ann?

Huh? Ah! Would you look at that?
Time's up!

CRYING GIRL: Thank you, Nicky.
You've changed my life!

No, Crying Girl, I've only helped you
change your own life.

[SOBS] I can't take it.

Isn't this wonderful?

I've had two perfectionists
and three pencil chewers in one day!

-How about you?
-[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

Well, sometimes, it takes longer
to get to the root of the problem.

Especially when you don't listen
to the problem!

Well, I've got to go. My three o'clock
is here for his dream analysis!

Why don't you just quit?
Earn extra credit some other way.

This is bigger than extra credit.

I'm gonna change the next person's life
that comes through my door.

I'm gonna show everyone and listen
like I've never listened before!

Talk to me, Dieter. I'm listening.

Um, well, it's about my mater.

She is so old-fashioned
from the old country

while I'm American now.

Uh-huh. Can we get to the point here?

Well, she doesn't understand me.
I have dreams.

Say no more, Dieter.
I know exactly what you need to do.

You got to go after that dream of yours!
Don't let anyone stop you!

-Yeah, but what if...
-You've got to get off your "but,"

and work to fulfill your dreams,
no matter what the cost.

Then and only then
will you be truly happy.

Thank you, Pepper Ann. Thank you!

I go now to live my dream! [SMOOCHES]

I rule.

Mom! I had such a great day
counseling and listening in...

Oh, isn't it just awful
about Dieter Liederhosen?

The Nutland is filled with sadness.

Today, as one of its own, a child,
disappears from home. Oh!

The only thing he left behind
was this note.

"Dear, Mommy, I've decided
to take Pepper Ann's advice

"and go to run away from home."

Great fuzzy Freud!

I just told him to live his dreams.
I didn't think he'd run away!

Did he tell you where he was going?

I heard him,
but I guess, I didn't listen to him.

Everyone's right.
I'm a failure at counseling.

Oh, sweetie, that's not true.
You're a wonderful, caring person.

Sometimes, you just get a little spacey,
that's all.

I will make things right again.
Dieter, wherever you are, I will find you!

Nicky, Milo, let's split up.

NICKY: Dieter?

MILO: Yoo-hoo, are you here?

Dieter?

Yoo-hoo, are you here?

[BOTH PANT]

-Phew.
-It's no use.

If only I'd paid attention
to what he told me.

Everything Dieter said to you
is in there. Think, Pepper Ann, think!

Life is a highway, not a dress rehearsal!

NICKY: Is he saying anything?

PEPPER ANN:
Not really. I'm doing all the talking.

Say no more, Dieter, I know exactly
what you need to do.

[MUMBLES]

-NICKY: Well?
-PEPPER ANN: Nope. Still me.

[SMOOCHES]

PEPPER ANN: Hold on a sec.

[GASPS] That's it!

I know where Dieter is! Follow me.

SCOUT BOYS: Pup power!

Dieter didn't run away from home,
he became a Hazelnut Pup Scout!

But, how did you know?

First, Dieter said that he was trying
to establish his identity as an American.

What's more American than being a Scout?

Second, Dieter kissed a pin on his shirt
before he left, which he told me last week

when I wasn't paying attention
in science lab, is a Pup Scout ritual.

Third, Dieter's note did not say
that he had run away from home,

but that he'd gone to Runawifframham,
the name of the Hazelnut Scouts' camp.

English not being Mrs. L's first language,
a fact Dieter has mentioned many times,

she understandably got confused.

Pepper Ann Pearson! You're amazing!

Pepper Ann, I am so happy to see you!
You have changed my life!

No, Dieter. I've only helped you
change your own life.

But your mother's worried sick.
She thought you ran away from home!

[GASPS] Sweet mater!
I must go see her right away! [SMOOCHES]

-Coming, mater!
-Well, I guess I've proven

that I'm a pretty good listener
when I need to be.

From now on,
I'm gonna be a full-time listener.

You want to tell me something?
I'm listening.

Cool.

Well, talk!

We don't have anything to say just now.

Well, how am I supposed to listen
if nobody's talking?

Come on.
Just say a little something. Please.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES]