01x10 - Crush and Burn/Soccer Season

[bunniefuu]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann

BOY: Who?

GIRL 2:
Is that that girl from gym class?

MOOSE: No, that's me.

GIRL 1: Oh.

GIRL 2: Who is she
and why does she have her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!

All right! Mardi Gras beads!

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

-[FILM ROLLING]
-[COUNTDOWN BEEPS]

And that's enough
of last season's highlights.

Okay. Before I discuss
this season's strategy...

What? Any comments?

-Great!
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Okay, girlies. All right.
Calm down. Focus.

-STUDENT 1: Great color.
-Now, here's the deal.

As a team,
you are cohesive, cooperative,

communicative, the whole enchilada!

-All right!
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-[STUDENTS LAUGHING]
-However, as individual players,

you're just a bowl of chips
without the salsa.

And by salsa, I mean, well, talent.

But, but, but, that's what practice
is for, to sharpen those reflexes,

hone those skills and learn teamwork!

'Cause what's the otter motto?

-Paws, claws, teeth and fur!
-Paws, claws, teeth and fur!

-We're all part of one otter.
-We're all part of one otter.

-Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
-Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

All right! Way to go! Keep on losing!

-Milo, why do you want us to lose?
-[GROANS]

Any bozo can win.

It takes a team of whacked-out
bohemian amazons

like you to hang with the losing vibe.

Stay weak.

Well, this year's gonna be different.
We're gonna make all the right moves!

...and another horrible error
by the Hazelnut Otters,

who are getting k*lled
by the Filbert Weasels three to zero.

And to make matters worse,
many of the girls are... [GROANS]

...perspiring.

Okay, Weasels. Your luck has just run out.
Give me your best shot... Oh!

TRINKET: Make that four to zero.

Oh, I should have never left the convent.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[GROANS] Why are there,
like, three of you?

-[GROANING]
-[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Player down! Player down!

Rooney! Rooney!
Come on, you gotta speak to me!

Uncle Frank? Is that, like, you?

Ew. Uh-huh. Here's the culprit.

Uh-oh. Looks like tainted lip gloss.
That could spell disaster for the Otters.

Okay, we need
a replacement center forward.

Come on. Who's gonna sub for Rooney?

Hey, why don't you volunteer?

Okay. I'll do it for the team.

And substituting at center
is goalie Pepper Ann Pearson.

That means in goal we've got...

Oh, equipment manager, Gwen Mezzrow!

[GULPS] Remember, everybody's behind you.

Pork chop, pork chop, greasy, greasy!
You can beat our team, easy, easy!

Well, almost everybody.

TRINKET: Wait. Wait.

Pearson's shaking off
the Weasel defenders!

She's closing in on the goal.
She shoots, she scores!

-All right. Yeah!
-[STUDENTS CHEER]

[CHUCKLES] Thanks! Yeah, lucky shot!

[CHUCKLES]

-TRINKET: Otters win!
-[CHEER]

TRINKET: Otters win in the most
stunning upset in Hazelnut history!

Oh, yeah, baby! Way to go!

-Stop that.
-Beautiful!

[YELLS] Stop it!

Hey there, star!

Oh, gimme a break. I am not a star.

No? Because of you, the team won.

Yeah, the team won. All I did was help.
And nobody thinks I'm a star.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

[STUDENT 2 CHUCKLING]

[STUDENTS CHEER]

-Whoa, Nelly.
-[STUDENTS CHEERING]

Can I get a little room here?
You're stepping on my shoe. Ow!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-[PANTS]

-[STUDENTS CHEERING]
-[FOOTSTEPS THUMPING]

[SIGHS, BREATHES DEEPLY]

This star thing is pretty cool.

Hey, "Paws, claws, teeth and fur,
I'm just part of one otter."

I'm a team player. And nothing, nothing,
is going to change that.

CRAIG: Hey, Pearson...

nice moves.

Well, it's only the second game
of the season, and Pearson is at it again,

this time against
the Lychee Nut Lemmings!

-We're open.
-We're open.

TRINKET: Tessa and Vanessa have moved
into scoring position.

Here's a chance for Pearson
to share the glory. Or not.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

TRINKET: Thanks to Pearson,
the Otters win it, seventeen-zip!

Whoo-hoo! Way to beat those Lemmings!

[ALL GROAN]

Uh. Yeah. Of course, it's...
it is key to remember that, uh,

no player is an island.

-Ah...
-Hem.

Come on, what's the Otter motto?

-Paws, claws, teeth and fur...
-Paws, claws, teeth and fur...

-...we're all part of one otter.
-...we're all part of one otter.

-Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
-Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

"One otter!" Right, Pearson?

Huh? Yeah, whatever. Okay, here ya go.

"For Timmy. Your super-talented hero,
Auburn Thunder."

[CHUCKLING] Now, get outta here.

Unless you're a desk-hugging,
socially inept freak

you know that the big story this year
is Pepper Ann Pearson.

And what a story she's been.

In one short season, this crimson dynamo
has gone from rotting to rocking,

from lamest to famous,
from loser to cruiser.

Of course, one question
weighs on everyone's mind,

is she still the same down-to-earth
team player that she used to be,

or has success spoiled Pepper Ann?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[CRIES] They're supposed to lose. [GROANS]

Hello, are you listening?
How many times have I told you,

she doesn't do charity bake sales!

-[CELLPHONE BEEPS]
-[GROANS]

Those orphans can be so selfish.

You sure this is a good idea?

Baby, sweetie, kleine Liebchen,
I'm your agent. Trust me.

Every major athlete
does personal appearances.

-[CAMERA CLICKS]
-[CROWD CHEERS]

Pepper Ann, are you going
free agent next year?

Not until the ninth grade.

Hold that, can you tell us if the rumors
about you

and that hottie Craig Bean are true?

Yeah, he wishes.

MANAGER:
Are you gonna wear the ball or not?

Huh?

Are you gonna wear the ball or not?

Come on, come on. Wear the ball, Schnecke.
Today, supermarkets. Tomorrow, the world!

MILO: Why are we here?

Because things are getting worse,

and as her best friends,
we need to say something.

Wanna score big savings?
Then you otter be shopping at Smiley's.

Perhaps you recognize my client,
supernova of the soccer team?

Well, she is also available for birthdays,
weddings and bar mitz... [SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

You've changed, Pepper Ann.

Your soccer success has made you
distant and aloof.

And, worst of all,
you've forgotten your teammates.

No, I haven't, Mickey.

It's Nicky.

Yeah, whatever. Listen,
you should thank me.

If I hadn't stepped into center,
we'd still be losers.

-Now, we're playing in the championship.
-Oh.

-[THUDDING]
-They were right.

The glory has gone to your head.

You've turned into one big otter butt!

The glory has not gone to my head!

[SCREAMS]

Look at me, I'm hideous!

You’ve gotta chill out
or I'm gonna explode. [MUFFLED]

I'm a star. Wear a hat.

Okay. Today is the championship game
against the Pinenut Possums.

It's been a long row to hoe,
but you've hoed that row,

-and I know that each...
-[GROANS]

COACH DOOGAN: ...and every one of you
is ready to give this game your very best.

[MUNCHES]

Oh, so come on now,
get out there and win, win, win!

[YAWNS]

Uh, uh, uh. Nope. Not you, Pearson.

You're benched.

Benched? I can't be benched!

I'm going with a real team player!

One Otter.

Nicky? [SCOFFS]
But she's never even laced up her cleats!

Oh, don't you worry, missy.
We'll be just fine.

-[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
-And it's a real bloodbath out there.

Ew. I just grossed myself out!

-Without Pearson...
-[GLASS SHATTERING]

...these Otters are easy prey
for the title-hungry Pinenut Possums!

[AUDIENCE GROANING]

What are you doing?

Uh. This is me, awaiting for an apology.

[SCOFFS] Okay. Fine.
But remember this,

you can't escape the truth.

Every time you primp in the mirror,
I'll be there.

Every time you sign a glossy,
I'll be there.

Every time you watch a highlight reel,

I'll be there!

[SCREAMS]

Apology accepted.

I just wish there was some way
I could make it up to the team.

-Ow.
-AUDIENCE: Oh!

-Wait! Pearson's taking the field!
-[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

TRINKET: The other Otters look
a little peeved,

but this Pearson seems different somehow.
She's changed.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

TRINKET: Well, this game is more exciting
than my fall wardrobe!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

TRINKET: Pepper Ann has brought the team
back to tie with the Possums, nine-nine.

[CHEERS]

TRINKET: With the clock ticking down,
she's got the ball...

-We're...
-Open.

[GRUNTS]

-[GASPS] Oh!
-[VANESSA GRUNTS]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

We tied?

-[GASPS] We tied!
-[STUDENTS CHEER]

TRINKET: And so ends the greatest season
of Otter soccer ever.

Not with a bang, but with an... Eh.

Well, I guess I could root
for the chess team.

-[CAR SIREN BLARING]
-They really reek.

TRINKET: Sure,
some of us are disappointed.

[WHIMPERS]

TRINKET: But we must remember one thing.

By announcing instead of playing,

I have fulfilled my entire PE requirement
without breaking a single nail.

[GROANS]

[SCREAMS]

[SIGHS]

[GROANS] What a freak.

"You are one fine hottie in a hat..."

Whoa. [CHUCKLES]

This Gwen Mezzrow means business.

I'm not ready for a meaningful long-term
commitment. You gotta do something.

Me? Why don't you just tell her the truth?

Or you can tell her that I got rubella,
or I'm really a hologram.

Help me, Pepper Ann. You're my only hope.

I... I don't know, Milo.

-GWEN: Hi, Milo!
-Here she comes. Quick, cover!

Hey, Milo, wanna go to... Your hat.

Oh, doesn't it look great on me?

Hi, I'm Pepper Ann, Milo's girlfriend.

Girlfriend?

Oh, yeah. We've been together
since the fourth grade.

What?

Milo broke up with my best friend Nicky
to be with me.

And now, I'm hatted.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know.

So, am I brilliant, or am I brilliant?

I feel naked.

[WHISPERS]

[PHONE BEEPS]

Robert, you're never gonna believe this.
Have you heard about Pepper Ann and Milo?

Wait until I tell you. [CHUCKLES]

[CHAIR SQUEAKS]

-[ROBERT LAUGHING]
-[KEYBOARD KEYS CLICK]

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

This just in!

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Milo and Pepper Ann!

Get out!

Eat pod, mutant face!

Crunch this, hat burglar!

You two are sick.

And to add insult to injury,
I had to hear it from Pink Eye Pete!

[CHUCKLES]

Nicky, we're not really a couple.

[MIMICS SIREN]
Fatal attraction two o'clock.

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

-You got me, crunchbunny!
-It was a lucky shot, pookiepot.

Cute couple, aren't they?

And it's so great that you don't harbor
any bitter feelings of resentment.

-What?
-You must have been so devastated

when Milo dumped you for Pepper Ann
in the fourth grade.

Whoa. Oh, no.
That is not how it played out.

I gave up Milo to pursue
the, uh, autoharp.

Juilliard only accepts three players.
I just didn't have time for a boyfriend.

And since Pepper Ann was raised
by kindly nuns at an orphanage,

I knew she really needed Milo.

Wow, Nicky, you must be
some autoharp player by now.

Oh, she's amazing.

In fact,
she's giving a concert this weekend.

I'm there.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-Concert?
-[GROANS] Nuns?

Problem.

-Hi, we're taking a...
-What's hot and...

-What's not poll for Hazel Nuts...
-N' Bolts.

What's hot? Pepper Ann and Milo
are like the hottest couple.

-[COUGHS] Coup...
-[COUGHS] Ple?

[CHUCKLES] You didn't know?

The gossip editors
of Hazel Nuts N' Bolts didn't know?

You're like the only two people
in the universe who didn't know.

Uh. We knew.

-We've always...
-Known, but...

-We've, uh...
-Uh.

Been filming a Twin Mint Gum commercial

and their agent told them
now that they're going to be celebrities,

they have to be careful about
who and what they talk about in public.

Commercial? Great.
When's it gonna be on?

-Wednesday.
-Friday.

-Monday.
-Thursday.

-Sunday.
-When?

-Monday.
-Friday.

-Sunday.
-Wednesday.

Thursday.

ALL: Tuesday.

[GROANS] No, Milo, you're not a nun.
I was raised by them.

[SIGHS] I can't keep it all straight.

[EXHALES] Can't think without hat.

Hey! What do you think you're doing?

If I don't wear your hat,
Gwen Mezzrow will be all over you

like freezer burn on a fish stick.

Maybe I should just tell Gwen Mezzrow
the truth.

Oh, I see.

Well, I wanted to tell Gwen Mezzrow
the truth, but you said "cover."

I said cover,
not create an alternate universe.

Look what you've done to poor Nicky.

Donkey big

Donkey small

[GROANING] Why did I say autoharp?

I hate the autoharp. It's... it's...

it's just the layman's clavichord!

I nominated you for Hazelnut
Middle School's cutest couple!

Pepper Ann and Milo, a couple?

-Duh, since the fourth grade.
-[GASPS]

[GASPS]

[CHUCKLES] Oh, Gwen Mezzrow,
Trinket and Cissy don't have time

to keep up with the petty details
of a classmate's love life,

they're too busy, uh...

volunteering at a soup kitchen.

[BOTH GASP]

Okay. I am surrounded by freaks.

Dare I believe my own ears?

You two have been volunteering
at a soup kitchen?

I can assure you there is no way...

How noble.

And just think how great it will look
on your resumes.

The Ivy League just loves philanthropists.

No way we could ever brag
about volunteering,

because we just love it.

We're at the soup kitchen night and day,
day and night. Aren't we, Cissy?

Well, I kinda like chowder?

I'll be sure to visit you
at the soup kitchen this weekend.

-[GROANS]
-[GROANS]

Twinkle, twinkle little star

When will Pepper Ann stop these lies

Nicky, I told you, there are no more lies.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hi, Pepper Ann. Wanna buy tickets
to Nicky's autoharp concert?

All the proceeds go to Trinket
and Cissy's soup kitchen.

Peppie, honey, help me with the groceries.

I thought you were an orphan, Pepper Ann.
Who is that?

Uh. My Aunt Janie.

-[HUMS]
-Who's that?

Uncle JoJo.

-Well, who's that?
-My cousin Ned.

Well, then who is that then?

That is a good question. You. Out!

Stop that cheese!

[CLEARS THROAT]

-[MUNCHES]
-[EXHALES] Sorry I'm late.

Gwen Mezzrow wanted to see the orphanage
where I grew up.

[SIGHS] Milo, I don't know
if I can go on with this lying...

Okay. I guess Nicky really
can play the autoharp,

but is Uncle JoJo really a woman?

-And is...
-[GASPS] Sweet Mother Earth.

Peppy, why is there a gaggle of nuns
at our front door?

Nuns? What Nuns?

-I didn't see any nuns.
-[KNOCK ON DOOR]

NUN 1: Your visit to the orphanage
was it a cry for help?

NUN 2: Open the door child.

Pepper Ann.

Ew.

[GASPS]

-Pepper Ann.
-Pepper Ann.

Pepper Ann!

[BOTH GASP]

-[COUGHS] Pepper...
-[COUGHS] Ann!

NED: Stop that cheese!

PA, this isn't working anymore.

I told you, I have to wear the hat,
to make it look like...

It's not about the hat. I...
I got a crush on Gwen Mezzrow.

Milo, no. You can't have a crush
on Gwen Mezzrow now.

It's too late. The lies are too real.
Deception has become reality.

The truth is a lie
and all the lies are true.

Oh, Milo, it's just a crush.
People get over crushes all the time.

It's easy. I'll help you.

-Crunch Pod marathon, my treat.
-MILO: No.

It's fish stick day.

MILO: Mm-hmm.

-[PA SYSTEM FEEDBACK]
-PRINCIPAL HICKEY: Attention, students.

Please report to the auditorium
for an important assembly.

You love assemblies.

[GASPS] What have I done?

Now, for this year's class awards.

The Best Attendance Award
goes to Cossie Van Tuttie.

[STUDENTS APPLAUDING]

Hmm. Yes. Well, I will accept this award
in Cossie's absence.

Next, the Award for Cutest Couple
goes to Milo Kamalani and Pepper Ann...

Wait. It's all a lie.

Milo and I aren't a couple,
and we never were.

I was just trying to help a friend
and instead...

I let him down.

I let you all down.

Was it foolish pride? Maybe.

Was it wrong? [SNIFFLES]

Yes.

-We're not...
-Really celebrities...

-Even though we...
-Should be.

Although I excel at it,
I hate the autoharp.

I hate volunteering!

Only three hours a day,
I wish I could do it all the time.

I'm not really a dumb blonde?

I just perpetuate the image
to be less intimidating to others?

-I have a confession to make.
-[BOTH GASP]

I once passed a love note to Milo
to make my real true love jealous.

Can you ever forgive me, Dieter?

-[ALL GASP]
-STUDENT 3: Dieter?

Dieter! [CRIES] Why? Why?

Whoa, step back ,Chichi La Bamba.

-This zeppelin floats alone.
-[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-Oh, Milo, I am so sorry.

-Can you ever forgive me?
-Ah. I don't know.

All the lies.

I don't know what's what anymore.

I understand. [SNIFFLES] Here.

MILO: Hey, PA.

-Did you say it was fish stick day?
-Yes!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC CONCLUDING]