02x19 - Cactus Makes Perfect/U.S. Acres: Hogcules II/Crime and Nourishment

[bunniefuu]

- Odie,

- Odie, it

- Odie, it snowed

- Odie, it snowed last

- So, you boys want to go out

And play in the snow, huh?

Well, let's get you ready.

You'll have to wear

Your nice warm knit sweaters

And your wool caps and mittens

And scarves and mufflers

And booties and galoshes.

Okay, you're all set for fun

In the snow, guys.

Here you go!

Having fun yet?

- ™ª dashing through the snow ♪

媻 in a one-horse open sleigh. 媻

媻 o'er the fields we go... 媻

- Ladies and gentlemen,

Garfield and friends.

[ Music ]

- ™ª friends are there ♪

- ™ª to help you get started, ♪

媻 to give you a
push on your way ♪

- ™ª friends are there ♪

- ™ª to turn you around, ♪

™ª get your feet on the ground ♪

™ª for a brand new day ♪

- ™ª they'll pick you up ♪

™ª when you're down ♪

- 媻 help you swallow
your pride ♪

™ª when something inside says ♪

™ª to break on through ♪

媻 to the other side. 媻

- ™ª friends are someone ♪

™ª you can open up to ♪

- ™ª when you feel like ♪

™ª you're ready to flip ♪

- ™ª when you've got the world ♪

™ª on your shoulders ♪

- ™ª friends are there ♪

™ª to give you a tip ♪

- ™ª friends are there ♪

™ª when you need them, ♪

™ª they're even there ♪

™ª when you don't ♪

- ™ª for a walk in the park ♪

™ª or a shot in the dark, ♪

™ª friends are there ♪

- ™ª I don't care ♪

- 媻 but friends
will care for you ♪

- Wouldn't I make

A great ventriloquist?

My lips never move.

- Well, boys,

We're almost there.

Wasn't it nice of cactus jake

To invite us out to his ranch?

- Fillet of lizard almandine?

Buzzard au vin? Baby carrots

With charbroiled rattlesnake.

- The old west has

A strange beauty all its own.

Don't you agree, boys?

[ Barks ]

- Only a fool could see beauty

In the culinary wasteland.

- Here we are,

Cactus jake's ranch.

[ Cough ]

- What does he raise here,

Dirt?

- Arfgunckle.

It's good to see you, jonny boy.

And you brought your little

Friends with you too.

[ Odie barking ]

Annie, the missus,

She's putting the finishing

Touches on the genuine delicious

Western bandwich ba*ls.

Come on out back

Whilst I tend to the barbecuing.

[ Gulp ]

- Barbecuing, western talk,

Indicates strong possibility of

Good but extremely messy food.

- Where's the barbecue?

- This here's it.

Supper's been buried

Under hot coals all day.

- Garfield, quit thinking

About food.

- Quit thinking about food?

Why don't you ask me

To quit breathing?

- You know,

I had a cat like that once.

- Brace yourself, folks.

Sounds like a flashback to me.

- Tell us about it.

- In fact, it was cause of him

That I married annie.

It was 1945 and

Like most of the cowboys my age,

I was looking to make a life

For myself.

- Look, it's miss annie!

- Ah!

- See you later, boys.

- Ah!

- She was the prettiest girl

I'd ever laid eyes on,

But I figured I had no chance.

Why, I was barely

Making a living rounding up

Wild steers to sell in town.

How could I ask a gal like annie

To take up with me?

One night as I was about

To eat supper, it was a cat

And the little fellow looked

Like he hadn't had a meal

In quite a while.

- Food. I'm desperate.

I'll eat anything.

- A can of beans was all I had,

So I gave it to him.

- What? No fettuccini alfredo?

No ham with honey glaze?

[ Snoring ]

- Ha! Okay, red,

Don't be jealous

'Cause I showed him

A little bit of kindness.

I'd give you my bunk

If you didn't sleep standing up.

[ Snorts ]

After that night,

The furry critter

Sort of adopted me.

$10 A head. Gosh.

But, red, he was my horse.

He didn't take too kindly

To that cat.

I'll go to the barbershop first.

- Now on display,

The brand-new invention,

Television.

It'll never catch on.

- Hey, cowboy!

You're gonna pay me for this!

- I suppose I am.

I didn't realize

You was so hungry.

- You'll learn.

- It'll sure feel good

To get rid of this sagebrush

On my face.

- Is this your cat?

- Yes.

- Light snack.

- Don't forget my tip.

- I guess I won't be

Getting that shave for a while.

We might as well git.

- Have doggie bags

Been invented yet?

- Ah, that cat had practically

Eaten me into the poorhouse.

But that wasn't the worst of it.

Miss annie and the boys

Had seen the whole thing.

[ Laughter ]

- Look what that cat

Done to jake!

- Ain't that a beautiful sight?

- Made a fool out of him

For sure.

[ Laughter ]

- Hey!

- You know what I'd do

If I had a cat like this? I'd...

- Put my cat down and move on!

- Oh, h* h*.

Asking for trouble, huh?

- We'll show him!

- Okay, if that's

The way you want it.

- Let's teach him a lesson.

- Yeah! Yeah!

- Those guys deserve

A lowdown on this showdown.

- Quick! Swing up behind me

So you'll be safe!

After what that cat did to you,

You were still ready

To take on that bunch

Of lily-livered cowards

To protect him.

You're some guy, jake.

- Aw, miss annie, i...

[ Horse galloping ]

Not long after that,

Annie and I got hitched.

- Red, old boy,

I guess it's time for me

To disappear into the sunset.

[ Laugh ]

Where's my script

For this episode?

Excuse me.

Whose idea was it to give

The horse the last laugh?

You're fired. You know that?

- What a great story!

I bet you really miss that cat.

- Aw, sometimes I do.

- Get this low-life,

Snake-eyed, belly-crawling-off,

Scroungy coyote

Out of my kitchen!

- And then there are times

When I feel if I ever get

My hands on him again, I'll...

- And you. You're a low-down,

Good for nothing polecat face,

Rotten, riverbottom mud-sucker!

- Hey, if you ask me,

He was better off

With the horse.

[ Laugh ]

- Here's our next contestant

On "let's make a squeal."

What'll it be, sir?

Door number one

Or door number one?

- Hmm, aren't there

Any other choices?

- Nope. This is

A low-budget show.

- Well, gee, which one

Shall I take? Uh...

I choose door number one.

[ Sputters and gags ]

Oh, gee!

[ Laugh ]

- I love it, I love it!

- That was a lowdown

Dirty trick, roy!

- Who's responsible for this?

- He is!

- It has to be cleaned up

Before the farmer sees it.

- It's not my fault!

Roy did it! Let him clean it up!

- You opened the doorway.

- You tricked me!
It's your fault!

- You were stupid enough

To let me trick you.

You should get the blame!

- You are the trickor,

I am the trickee!

- Don't try to duck

Out of this!

- Cheap shot rooster!

- Come on, you guys.

We have to get this stuff

Back into the silo.

- I refuse to lift

A feathered finger until that

Villainous villain apologizes.

- They'll grow palm trees

In the arctic

Before I apologize to you.

- It isn't fair that you should

Have to do this by yourself.

- Do me a favor, will you?

Keep watch and warn me

If the farmer comes?

- Sure thing, orson.

[ Panting ]

- Phew! This is real

Back-breaking labor.

Only hercules could get

This done in time.

Boy, I wish I were

Like hercules.

- ™ª he's the strongest pig ♪

™ª in the empire, ♪

™ª his courage has brought ♪

媻 him fame. 媻

™ª he doesn't cheat, ♪

™ª lie or steal, ♪

媻 hogcules is his name. 媻

™ª he's a rippling, ♪

™ª rumbling roman ♪

媻 with biceps as
hard as rocks. 媻

媻 the only thing
we've ever seen ♪

媻 was trouble match-
ing his socks. 媻

™ª clad in only a toga, ♪

™ª he needs nothing more ♪

™ª than all his courage ♪

™ª and muscles and a star ♪

媻 on my dressing room door. 媻

媻 hogcules, a
righter of wrong. 媻

媻 his name is
spoken everywhere. 媻

媻 it's even in this song. 媻

™ª hogcules has the strength ♪

媻 of us all. 媻

™ª if you ever need ♪

™ª any furniture moved, ♪

媻 he's the one to call. 媻

媻 hogcules, I said hogcules. 媻

™ª I said hogcules ♪

- Hogcules,

A terrible thing has happened.

This morning, a two-headed giant

Came here and ripped the basin

Off the imperial bird bath.

- This is awful.

I can see why you're upset.

- If you think I'm upset,

Just imagine how they feel!

[ Angry squawking ]

Hogcules, go to the lair

Of the two-headed giant

And bring the basin

Of the imperial fountain back!

- I will gladly perform

This labor, your imperialness!

- Doors!

Use the doors, hogcules!

- What was that?

- You tricked me!

- You were stupid enough

To let me trick you!

- It sounds like

We're very close to the lair

Of the two-headed giant.

- You said we were

Gonna play pool.

Instead, we come back

With a swimming pool.

- I want to go swimming.

- I hate the water!

- Ahem. I am hogcules,

Strongest pig in the empire!

I have come to capture you

And take back

The object you stole!

- Must be one of those

Annoying heroes you hear

About in poetry and song.

- I have a cure

For that nuisance.

[ Laughter ]

Had your fill, roman?

- We're not going swimming.

- Hey, I'm using the body.

- You're not getting

My side wet!

- Now will you yield

To the superior strength

Of hogcules?

- The mosquitoes

Are aggressive this year.

- Indeed!

- Oh, my feats of strength

Don't seem to be working.

You're a philosopher poet.

Got any practical theories?

- The sum of the squares on

The sides of the right triangle

Is equal to the square

Of the third side,

To quote my fellow philosopher,

Pythagoras.

That's a practical theory,

But it's probably

Not very useful right now.

- On the contrary,

You've given me an idea of how

To trick a two-headed giant.

I have to admit,

You guys are pretty strong.

But I bet there's still

Something I can do

Better than you.

- Like what?

- I can throw a discus

Farther than anyone!

- He can't talk to us that way.

- Yeah, we'll show him!

- We'll have the emperor's

Fountain back to him in no time!

- Hurray, hogcules,

The hero whose brain

Matches his brawn!

- I guess we showed him.

- Yeah!

- I'm not cleaning up

Your mess.

- You must think

I was born yesterday.

- I'm sorry. Was it

The day before yesterday?

- Please excuse
us a minute, wade.

Look, roy,

It's okay if you're unable

To clean the grain up.

I know how puny you are.

Let wade do it.

- Puny? Me? I'll show him.

- What did you tell roy?

You were talking about me,

Weren't you?

- Well, yes.

I just explained to
him that you know

He's a much better worker

Than you are.

- Much better?

Ha! And ha! Twice ha!

I will show him!

- Orson, the farmer's

On his way!

- Why are you reading a book?

What about the spilled grain?

- Roy and wade

Are cleaning it up.

- How did you get them

To do it?

- Oh, I just remembered

That two square heads

Are more gullible than one.

- This is your fault!

- Is not!

- Is too!

- Is not!

- Is!

- And now,

Whether you like it or not,

It's time for screaming

With binky.

We're at the dedication

Of the new 53-story

Mirrored glass office building.

- And in recognition

Of your brilliant design work,

I am pleased to present...

- Hey mayor!

[ Cracking ]


You're gonna have 7,777 years

Of bad luck!

Stop! It's not my fault

You're unlucky!

Help!

- There's nothing

Like the great outdoors.

Doesn't it feel good

To get away from it all?

[ Odie barking ]

- I like getting away

From it all,

Especially when we bring it

All with us.

- I'm glad I decided

To take the day off

And come to the park...

- Time for lunch.

Stay out of the way, odie,

And you won't get hurt.

- Huh?

- There's lasagna here.

The nose knows.

[ Gasps ]

A padlock on a picnic basket?

- I finally outsmarted you

This time, garfield.

I packed a maximum security

Picnic lunch.

- Don't you know

There's a constitutional law

Against the imprisonment

Of italian food?

[ Odie barking ]

- Odie and I want to play

Some catch before lunch,

Garfield.

Nothing had better happen

To that picnic basket

While we're gone, or else.

Come on, odie. Catch!

- Let's see. Crowbar,

Blowtorch, drill press, hammer,

Small saw, sandpaper.

Hmm, I wonder what jon meant

By "or else"?

- You've been charged with

Unlawful breaking and entering

Of a picnic basket.

How do you plead?

- Guilty!

- I sentence you

To eat nothing but raisins

For the rest of your life!

- I should wait.

It's polite to wait.

I'll contemplate the wonders

Of nature with all the natural

Little creatures,

Little birds chirping,

Little squirrels eating

Their little pine nuts.

There's a sauce with pine nuts.

Wonderful over a...

[ Snoring ]

[ Sniffing ]

[ Chuckle ]

[ Sniffing ]

- Lasagna?

What?

Help! Lunch thief!

My pasta has been purloined!

Jon will never believe it.

He'll blame me.

I'll have to take the rap

For something I didn't do.

And this time,

I didn't even do it!

I've got to get

That basket back.

Nose, don't fail me now.

[ Sniffing ]

Phew, hasn't anybody around here

Heard of escalators?

[ Sniffing ]

My lunch went this way.

Something tells me

I'm not in kansas anymore.

A lost civilization

Under the park?

An anthropologist's paradise!

Big fat hairy deal!

I want my lasagna back.

[ Sniffing ]

Unfortunately, I seem to have

Lost my scent trail,

But not my appetite.

Perhaps it's time to sample

The local free cuisine.

- Here, cat. Take this

And fill your belly.

- Money! Gee, thanks.

These people are weird,

But generous.

I'll have the most expensive

Thing on the menu.

- Sir, we do not allow people

To bring their own lunches.

This is a restaurant!

- But, but...

What we have here

Is a failure to communicate.

Hey, you!

Stop, thief!

You took my picnic basket!

- I confess!

I don't want to go to jail!

Please don't turn me in!

I couldn't help myself!

I've never seen a treasure chest

Of italian food like that.

- I'll say it was

A treasure chest,

And I'm gonna be in big trouble

If I don't get it back.

Where is it?

- It's in the bank.

I just deposited it.

- You deposited my lunch

In the bank?

- There was nothing to eat

In that basket!

Just italian food!

- Oh, excuse me.

Do either of you gentlemen

Have change for a cannelloni?

- I'm all out of ravioli.

Sorry.

- You spend italian food here?

But what do you do with money?

- Thanks!

Money is for eating,

Of course.

Come on, I'll show you.

- I would like to deposit

This spaghetti, please,

And withdraw some antipasto.

- Certainly, sir.

Do you have some i.d.

And would you like that

In provolone?

- There's jon's picnic basket.

They opened it!

- Well, they had to count

What was in it, didn't they?

Better put that back.

I deposited it.

- Mine at last!

I'm famished!

[ Gulp ]

I forgot.

- It's a robbery!

- He ate a lasagna!

- Thief!

- Criminal!

- I'll never make it.

Here, this'll slow them up.

- Free lasagna!

[ All talking at once ]

- I'm safe!

- Garfield? Where's the lunch?

- I'm not safe.

- Garfield,

Where did our food go?

- No, he'd never believe it.

- All right,

Now what are we going to eat?

Hey, money! All right!

- Here, odie!

What's the matter?

Don't you like rich food?