01x02 - A Burden's Burden

[bunniefuu]

I understand these are broken.

Yeah, that's what I heard.

I can wait.

Just be a minute.

So is that your boy out
there on the playground?

Shamus?

Yeah, he's a real scrapper.

Sure does miss his mom.

What... Uhh...?

We lost her to, umm...

Let's just say she went quickly.

Sorry.

How 'bout you?

Is that your boy taking over
the monkey bars out there?

That's Toby.

Certainly is a handful
for a single parent.

I'm sorry, is there
no Mrs... Ummm...

Jellineck. Geoffrey Jellineck.
I'm the new art teacher.

Oh, of course you are.

Hi, I'm Chuck Noblet: Social
Studies, Creative Writing,

school newspaper,
assistant to the principal.

What don't you do?

Get my lesson plans in on time.

I hear ya.

Hey, I'm hogging
this thing, get in here.

So... ummm...
Oh, I'm sorry.

Is there no
Mrs. Jellineck?

No.

Divorce?

She was Uhh...
She was m*rder*d.

Sometimes that can
be just as painful.

Hi, I'm Jerri Blank.

I'm a 46-year-old
high school freshman.



and became entangled in the
slithering underbelly of America.

I had a lot of fun,
did a little time,

but now I'm back in high school,

living at home,

picking up my life
exactly where I left off.

- JELLINECK: Oh yeah...
- NOBLET: Ohhh yeah...

Any questions?

Okay, today we're gonna be
talking about reproduction...

And its consequences.

In order for you
to learn what it's like

to take care of a
ten-pound "baby,"

each of you will
be taking care of...

A ten-pound baby.

First up, Jerri Blank.

But I've had plenty of babies!

Just none I've carried
to full term.

Come get the baby, Jerri.

I don't understand
the point of this.

The point, Jerri, is for you
to learn a valuable lesson.

Which is?

If I told you the lesson,

you wouldn't be learning it,
I'd be teaching it.

Alright, moving right along...

P-O-V-E-R-T-Y.

Poverty.

[BELL RINGS]

Jerri, where's it
going to sleep?

Sleep?

Yeah, what are you
going to feed it?

Feed it?

How much is it worth?



Twice that if the eyes
stay blue!

So look who's a single mother!

I think it's wonderful
that Coach Wolf

is giving away
infants to you people.

Rub some vitamin E
into its skull,

helps close the fontanel.

That's good to know.

You can learn more
at the library.

I'll go there now.

MALE [ON RECORDING]:
So you have a new baby.

[BING]

And you're a single mother
because, for whatever reason,

your partner has left you.

[BING]

Maybe you chased him off
with your shifting moods.

[BING]

Maybe he found someone younger
who did not have a baby.

[BING]

Maybe you just wouldn't
shut up about the baby,

"baby this, baby that."

[BING]

Well, the fact is, he's gone,
and I for one, don't blame him.

Good luck.

That was informative!

Hey, Mother, guess what
happened in school today.

Jerri, Jerri, can't you
see that I'm on hold.

I bet you'll never guess what
they gave me in health class.

Yes... yes!

Everything is working out
just fine with Kim Luc.

Yes, nothing enhances
your life more

than having a
Cambodian w*r refugee

stay with you in your basement.

Never mind.

Yes, we're going to be having
a benefit on... what is it...

Ahhh, hello, baby!

Hey, troll, I heard the news!

How are you gonna breastfeed it
with those yams of yours?

You know, Derrick...

Yesterday I would've
found that very amusing,

but now that I'm a mother,
I'm a different person.

It softens you.

So take a hike, d*ck-lick.

You're lucky
this doorknob's here.

I'll be lurking.

There you go.

Huh... you like that, huh?

Nice and shiny.

I can't give this to you,
it's too big.

What?

Someone's been drinking!

Boyyy... I'm gonna
call you "Dizzy."

I've got so much
to teach you, Dizzy.

And apparently you've
got a lot to teach me.

Just wonder what
the lesson could be?

Go to sleep.

[DIZZY CRYING]

Oh, I haven't had a night like
that since... last night.

Uhh!

What's that smell?

Oh, you got a load
for Mommy, huh?

No... you're clean.

Oh my dear Lord...

Uhhhh...

Jerri, please keep it down,
Kim Luc's trying to scream.

Come on darling, who's to blame?

Was it Mommy?

Pry out of that womb, honey...

Morning, plug.

Jerk off.

Bye, Daddy.

Mr. Jellineck,
I can't form the pot!

Ee-easy there.

Okay, look...

Grasp the pot like you would
a mischievous child's neck.

Dig your thumbs in there

like you're gouging out
the eyes of an enemy.

Yes, that's good!

I'm gonna go run
and get some cereal,

you almost got a bowl there.

Sorry I'm late.

That's okay, Jerri, have a seat.

Doesn't matter when
you get here, just what time.

OK, everybody, we're gonna
take a look at those

homework assignments.

Uh-huh, let's get em' out.

Yeah, very nice...

Uh-huh...
That's good...

I like where you're going.

Anne, very nice.

Frank, what is that, a bunny?

I like it.

Tammi, Uhh, that needs a head.

Jerri, do you have
your homework assignment?

What is it?

Clearly, it's a monkey's paw.

Well, Uhh, I-I...
an ashtray?

Uhh... a sleeping pill.

Oh, I can't do this,
I'm so tired.

I'm so tired,
Mr. Jellineck.

Look, I'm a single mother.

Jerri, that's no excuse.

Spiro here had a
swimming practice,

and look what he was
able to accomplish.

Look, Jerri, in life we
all have our "babies,"

but you need to
learn to prioritize.

I mean look at me, I have a son.

He's not always
first on the list.

Often he doesn't
even make the list.

What's that smell?

Oh, Uhh,
oh... Dizzy!

OK, everybody let's,
Uhh... crack a window.

Go play.

Jerri!

Hey, Jerri.

We're heading over to "El
Carne Loco," you wanna come?

Hey, that sounds great!

Then we go to Tweetzie Railroad

and throw some rocks
at the Indian!

Oh... oh listen,
why don't you go ahead...

I should spend some
quality time with Dizzy.

Yeah, that's what I should do.

I'll catch up with
you guys later.

I sure would like to
throw some rocks at the Indian.

Oh well, I got a baby now...
I got a baby.

It doesn't matter, 'cause
we're a happy little family now.

We're gonna spend all
our time together,

just you and...

Oh hell, I can't do this.

Listen, Dizzy...

I'm going to leave you
right here, alright?

One of these people
are bound to pick you up.

I mean, you and I both know this
isn't working out, right?

We're not clicking.

I don't want to
change your diaper

any more than
you want to change mine.

Dizzy!

Everything's going to be fine!

I'm doing this for
the both of us...

Well, one of us.

But I'm doing it twice as hard.

Jesus!

[LAUGHING]

[HORN HONKING]

Oh...

Mother?

Could I ask you a question?

Oh, can you
make it quick, Jerri?

I have a Cambodian w*r criminal
waiting for me in the basement.

Well, uh, Mother, uhm, well...

What's it like raising
Derrick and me?

Being a mother...

Is the best thing you can
do to a child, Jerri.

I have been so lucky
to have Derrick.

He's been a perfect angel.

As for what it
was like raising you,

well, I've got no idea, darling.

I do know that when
you ran away,

it k*lled your real mother.

Does that answer your question?

No.

Well, I think you'd
better get some sleep now.

You have a lot of
sleeping to do,

and I've got to get
back downstairs to Kim Luc.

I'm trying memory
regression on him,

and I have him stuffed
into a bamboo cage.

Sleep tight, sweet... and
you've got a little hole in your...

P.A. SYSTEM: Jerri Blank, please
report to Principal Blackman's office.

Jerri, I believe you have
some explaining to do.

Diz! Ha, haa!

Remember that time you
ran away from me... last night?

Where, uh, where'd you find it?

We can thank my lucky charms

this baby has been
delivered unto us.

If Mr. Jellineck
and Mr. Noblet

had not been in the park
last night at 3:00 a.m.

They never would have stumbled
across this tiny tyke

behind a cluster of
boxwoods sleeping like a log.

Well, what's your excuse, Blank?

I have no excuses,

but there is something
I'd like to say.

If learning is wrong...

What were Jellineck and Noblet
doing in the park at 3:00 a.m.?

Hmmm... that's
a good question.

Noblet?

[BELL RINGS]

Well, I guess we'll never know.

Look, Jerri, you should know
you're in some very hot water.

Deep, too.

Why? It's still alive
and has a full head of hair!

Jerri, that's not the point.

Is this because
I circumcised it?

The point, Jerri, is that you
were supposed to keep the baby

until you learned
a valuable lesson.

Have you learned it?

Yes, I have...
What is it?

Clearly, she hasn't.

Jerri...

We're giving you the baby back.

God damn it!

May a nest of Puerto Ricans
take your mother...

Jerri, please!

I can't do this, please...!

Coach Wolf, can't
we team Jerri up

with someone else
on this project?

But the whole point of it

was her to learn this
lesson on her own.

Exactly.

And the only way she's gonna
learn this lesson on her own

is with someone else.

I suppose we could hook her up
with Tammi Littlenut.

She was on deck
to get the baby next.

There you go, Blank.

Yeah, Tammi Littlenut!

We'd be just like
a little family.

Jerri...

Hey, I am so excited
about this project.

Ha, yeah, me too.

Boy, Tammi, you're gonna
make a great mommy.

You certainly got
the hips for it.

So what are we
supposed to do first?

Well, I thought we'd
go get some popcorn shrimp,

then, uh, maybe, uh,
go pick ya out a new top,

and then go to the rock quarry
and go skinny dipping, hmm?

Watch out for those
snapping turtles!

Do you really think
bringing a baby

to the rock quarry
is a good idea?

Oh, right, the baby...

Well, look, why don't you just
hang on to it for a while.

Aren't we both supposed to
take care of the baby?

That's a job for the mommy.

Aren't we both the mommy?

Listen to yourself, Tammi,
two mommies?

Now, look, why don't
you take Zy,

and uh...

Go a little lighter
on the lipstick.

It looks a little trampy.

Oh, that's a good one.

Oh listen, take a hike, bubbles.

Here comes my old lady.

All right?
I'll check you later.

Hi, Jerri.

Hey there, copperhead...

Aw, what'd you bring
the baby for, huh?

What do you mean?

I thought you and I
were having lunch.

What am I supposed
to do with the baby?

Well, I was hoping on
some uh, some "Jerri time."

You know what I'm saying?

Not really.

Listen, Jerri, can you
take Diz for me?

I've got Gym next period.

Look...

Simian and I are hanging
out next period, okay?

We're gonna play
some liar's poker.

But I thought we were supposed
to share the responsibility...

I don't want to fight
about this, alright?

Subject closed.

I'm gonna go get
some milk for the baby.

What... and I don't
get thirsty, huh?

Where were you?

What?

I'll repeat the question...

What took you so long?

Uh, uh, I was getting...

Don't lie to me, Tammi.

I saw you right over there
talking to Jimmy Goosey.

I just said hi.

Oh really?

Is that how they say "hi"
in wh*re-Ville?

Jerri, I don't wanna have lunch.

I'm just gonna take Diz
and go for a walk.

You're taking my child nowhere!

Clean it up.

What?

I said, clean it up!

You are frightening the baby!

Oh, for crying out loud,
would you shut that thing up!

I'm sorry...

Hmm, so sorry, huhh...

Look at my little lamb.

What'cha so
frightened about, huh?

I'd never hit you.

I'd never hit'cha.

Huh?

I just got this temper, you see.

I just get so frustrated
when you don't listen.

Huh?

Ya understand?

I need you to say
that you understand.

I understand.

Alright.

Just leave the baby with Daddy

and go get yourself
fixed up, alright.

Come on.

Women!

What are ya looking at!

So how's the project
going with Tammi?

Nah, she's a weird wolf.

She's not talking to me.

But I have a feeling...

She's gonna be
coming around real soon.

Jerri, what's going on?

I got your call,
what's wrong with Dizzy?

Oh, he's fine.

Why don't you come on in

and I'll explain
the whole thing.

Come on.

I ordered the Vice channel...
pretty good movies.

They cut out
before "the money shot"

but you could still see
plenty of, uh, "the pink."

What is this about, Jerri?!

Where's Dizzy?!

I want to apologize

for what went down today
in the cafeteria.

You can really,
really push my buttons,

but I'm not mad at you.

I figured we're not the problem.

See, we work.

Dizzy's the problem.

If we could just get
past that baby,

we could get back to
what's good about us.

I got you something...
try it on.

Where is Dizzy, Jerri?

Calm down...

Dizzy is with Kim Luc right now.

They're meeting with
a very wealthy family.

Now, you and I...
can focus...

On what makes you and me click.

Toast?

You're crazy!

Pee on me.

That's Principal Blackman
and Coach Wolf.

I called them
before I came over here,

and I told them something
weird was going on here.

Huh, well I hate to
burst your bubble there, Tam,

but that's not Blackman.

That's a ch*nk with some
spic food I ordered

hoping you and I would
have something to celebrate.

But I guess that's not
in the cards, is it?

Look, when Blackman gets here,
I'll tell him the whole truth.

I'm so sorry, Tammala, alright?

Now just stay here, chill out,

and I'll go get rid of
the delivery guy, alright?

Heh, hehhh.

I am so glad you're here!

Tammi's in there and she came up
with some crazy plot with...

Kim Luc!

Yes, we apprehended him
at the Tasty Shake.

I was buying myself a foot-long.

Did he, uh...
Did he say anything?

Oh yes, plenty.

But all in that
unintelligible jabber of his.

Anyway, Kim Luc and Tammi
tried selling Dizzy to the uh...

To the black market.

I'm so glad you caught him,
'cause Tammi's in there now,

and I think she's high.

She expects me to
run off with her.

I'm so glad you're here,
Principal Blackman.

What's all the commotion
out here?

Noblet, Jellineck,
I'm glad you got my message.

Message?

Principal Blackman,
thank the Lord you're here.

Jerri cooked up some crazy
plot with Kim Luc

to sell Dizzy to
the black market!

I'm sorry, Tammi, that story
sounds pretty flimsy

the second time around.

Noblet, Jellineck,
cart them away.

And the baby
goes back to Mother.

I'm thrilled.

Uh, I'll sure
miss Tammi, though.

It was a lot easier
being a single mother

when I was the father.

What's that, Jerri?

I was just saying that it's
easier being a single mother

when I was neither single
nor the mother.

That's the lesson, Jerri,
congratulations!

Nobody's ever learned
the lesson by day three.

You must be exceptionally
unfit for motherhood.

I'd like to think so.

Well, let's take this baby back

and pass him on
to some other students

who I hope are as equally unfit.

Daddy!

Go on home, Jerri Blank,
you've had a long day.

One thing strikes me as odd...

Why would Tammi call us,

in effect, alerting us
to her evil deed?

To taunt you with her crime?

Works for me, good night.

Ahhh, I miss Florida.

Well, things are pretty much
back to normal around here.

Kim Luc is serving


And as for Dizzy, well,

he's still getting passed
from student to student.

And each day he gets
older and older.

And I'm haunted
by one sad fact...

His black-market value is
dropping like a stone.

And as for that little red-headed
spitfire Tammi Littlenut,

well, let's just say...

The carpet matches the drapes.

Mmm!