07x13 - Alley Katta & the 40 Thieves/If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Alpha Centauri/Clash of Titans

[bunniefuu]

[Narrator]

[Narrator] Ladies

[Narrator] Ladies and

[Narrator] Ladies and gentleman,

[Narrator] Ladies and gentleman,
Garfield

[Narrator] Ladies and gentleman,
Garfield and

[Narrator] Ladies and gentleman,
Garfield and Friends!

[Narrator] Ladies and gentleman,
Garfield an[drumroll]

♪ We're,
we're ♪

♪ Ready,
ready ♪

♪ To,
to ♪

♪ Party ♪

♪ We're ready to
party, we're ready ♪

♪ I hope you bring
lots of spaghetti ♪

[Wade] I'm scared!

♪ Come on in, come
to the place where ♪

♪ Fun never ends ♪

♪ Come on in, it's
time to party ♪

♪ With Garfield and Friends ♪

♪ Dancing ♪
♪ Fiesta ♪

♪ Romancing ♪
♪ Siesta ♪

♪ Samba ♪
♪ La Bamba ♪

♪ Ay caramba ♪

♪ Disguises, disguises,
surprises, surprises ♪

♪ And pies of-- and
pies of all sizes ♪

♪ Come on in, come
to the place where ♪

♪ Fun never ends ♪

♪ Come on in, it's time to party
with Garfield and Friends ♪

♪ Come on in, it's time to party
with Garfield and Friends ♪

♪ Garfield and Friends ♪

[Garfield] The longest
running show on this channel,

except for the news, which
is unfortunately funnier.

[happy accordion music]

Years ago, the
oceans were menaced

by sea-going criminals
known as pirates.

Men like Jean Lafitte,
Scourge of New Orleans.

Henry Morgan, Menace
of the West Indies,

or Stingy Mendelson,
producer of this show.

But, perhaps none
have been as evil

as the one who sailed in 1891

under the name of
The Jelly Roger.

[chewing loudly]

Argh! Frigate at
three o'clock mates!

Swab the deck and
prepare for boarding!

[squawking]

Prepare for boarding!
Prepare for boarding!

[whistling]

[Garfield] All day he
plundered other ships

of their riches and mostly food.

[squawking]

Drop anchor! Drop anchor!

[squawking]

Drop anchor, I command ye!

[crashing]

Raise anchor! Raise anchor.

[squawking]

Polly wants an aspirin.

Oh boy, what a headache.

[Garfield] No one knows for
certain what became of him.

But over the years, his
descendants have continued

the family tradition of
piracy, mostly as TV repairmen.

Aye matey, you need
a new picture tube.

[Garfield] One day
he was on a roof

installing a satellite dish

so that Mrs.
Canigliaro could watch

the all-gardening channel,
when he lost his footing.

Yo h* h*!

[Garfield] He wasn't hurt,

but the fall knocked him
somewhere back in time,

back to his ancestor's calling.

I must return to the sea!

[squawking]

Return to the sea!
Return to the sea!

[squawking]

[Garfield] This then is the
story

of how nineteenth
century piracy was reborn

in this day and age.

This is The Garfield
Crime Files.

Here is the story of
this dangerous pirate

and how he was
brought to justice

by a handsome and crafty cat.

Cue the flashback.

Our story starts
at the local pier

where the yacht owners
keep their private ships,

including this new boat
owner, Jon Arbuckle.

I can't wait to see
the yacht I bought

through that classified ad.

[Garfield] This sounds painful.

[Odie barking]

The ship I bought should
be around here, slip 13A.

There it is!

And wow, what a ship!

And it's mine, all mine!

Yep, guess the beautiful women

will be flocking to slip



That's 13B you're
looking at, sonny.


[boat creaking and groaning]

I'm shocked this boat is, is--

[Garfield] The word you're
looking for is "floating".

But it's my boat and
I'm going to sail it.

I don't care if it
is a little, whoa!

[Jon splashing]

[Garfield] You got it wrong,
the captain is supposed

to go down with the
ship, not before it.

In the meantime, other sailors
in more seaworthy crafts

had their own problems.

Aye matey, hand over
your gold doubloons

and pieces of eight or I'll
see ya in Davy Jones' Locker!

[squawking]

Fork it over! [squawking]

It's, it's--

It's the man that
fixed my TV set.

[Garfield] Yes, it was a pirate.

The Jelly Roger was sailing
again, robbing everyone afloat.

But, we have no gold
doubloons or pieces of eight.

Hrr, in that case,
fork over all your grub

ya scurvy bilge rat!

[squawking]

Give us the food!
Give us the food!

[squawking]

[Garfield] And so the
pirate went on a rampage.

He had not only inherited
his ancestor's occupation,

but his appetite as well.

Reports were phoned
in to the Coast Guard

who reacted about
as you'd expect.

[phone ringing]

Coast Guard, pirate huh?

Right, you don't want us, you
wanna call Peter Pan, right.


[Garfield] Soon, the Jelly
Roger had looted every ship

for miles around,
with one exception.

Well, there's a landlubber
if ever I've seen one!

[whistling]

Let's go, lets go!

[squawking]

According to the manual,
if I pull this line

the sail should go up.

[Garfield] Not a chance.

Told ya.

[Odie laughing]

Come on pupster,
let's let Popeye here

figure this one out.

No, I had it wrong,
the sail will go up

when I pull this rope.

I'm getting closer.

[Garfield] Looks like Jon
packed a light lunch.

Hey, with me,
anything you can carry

without a forklift
is a light lunch.

Jon's meatloaf, I
should have known.

One of these must
raise the sail.

You there, can you tell
me how to raise the sails?

No, but I can tell ya
how to raise your hands.

Reach for the yardarm!

[Jon stuttering]

Yes sir, Captain!

JOLLY ROGER: Gimme
all your food--

[Jelly Roger splashes]

[Garfield] Did you hear someone
say "Gimme all your food"?

I thought I had that
line copyrighted.

[Odie barking]

No, stop please Mr. Pirate
I'm sorry, ah, help!

You'll walk the plank
for this, matey!

[Odie whining]

[Garfield] Don't worry
pup, I think I know

how to save First
Mate Gilligan there.

You'll be shark food when
I get finished with ye.

No, please, help!

[Garfield] Here, from
the looks of you,

this is all you really want.

Food!

That's what I come for.

I did it, I got all the
food in the harbor, I did.

Har har har.

[Garfield] Not quite.

A sandwich?

Well, give it here
or I'll blow ya's

to Davy Jones' Locker, I will.

[Odie whining]

Garfield, give him the sandwich!

[Garfield] Okay,
but he'll be sorry.

It's one of your
meatloaf specials.

[Parrot] Bye-bye.

[whistling]

My meatloaf sandwich,
it overloaded him.

[Garfield] Now you know
how some of us feel

after we eat them.

[Odie barking]

And so, the last pirate

was brought to justice, after
a crane brought his ship

to the surface, that is.

He was convicted of
piracy on the high seas

and sentenced,
but he did promise

to seek honest work
when he got out.

I'm going back to fixing TVs.

[Garfield] I said honest work.

And so ends another page
in the Garfield Crime File.

Be with us next time
when we go after

the guy who invented
infomercials.

Now there's a
dangerous criminal.

[bright music]

Jon's soda pop.

[bubbling]

Ah-ha, he thinks I'm
going to open this

and spray soda pop in my face

[laughing]

Well, we'll just see
who has the last laugh.

[splashing]

Whoa!

[Garfield] Ha.

[sorrowful harmonica music]

[alarm sounding]

Uh, Roy, what is the
reason for all this frenzy?

The weasel has
stolen some chickens!

Oh, a fine reason for panic
if I do say so myself.

The weasel has
stolen some chickens?

Yeah, the weasel has
stolen some chickens.

Come back with those
chickens, Weasel!

Time to scram.

[Wade stuttering]

The pig's gaining on me, I
gotta find a way to get away.

[whistling]

Come on, come on already!

Detour?

Hey, I don't care
which way I go,

just so long as
I get outta here.

[Roy laughing]

Hey, I don't remember
this road before.

Weasel tunnel?

Well, okay!

You'd think they'd install
some lights in these things.

Hey, this is kind of a
sudden steep hill in here.

[Roy laughing]

[chickens clucking wildly]

Hey, who took my chickens?

Weasel, someone of your
caliber should go far.

[cannon booming]

[Weasel screaming]

All safe, ladies.

Where's the weasel
gonna land, Roy?

According to this,
I used enough power

to send him all the
way to channel 56.

He should land somewhere in
a Gilligan's Island rerun.

Even the weasel
doesn't deserve that!

What an ordeal.

Having a bad day, Bunky?

Hey, what are you selling?

Inspiration, cousin.

I'm a motivational speaker, I
can inspire anyone to success.

Hiya, Bunky.

You say you jumped out
of a plane at 30,000 feet

and the sky diving
instructor is yelling,

"Where's my knapsack?"

And you got sealed in a
biosphere for three months

with sixteen skunks and a
fast-talking insurance man

from Ohio.

And no matter where you
go, you keep seeing Elvis.

Is that what's got you feeling

you're about to go pop, Weasel?

Well, lift your head
up high and take a walk

in the sun with that
fortitude and determination

that you show them
what you're made of!

And if they don't like it,

tell them you're made
of something else!

Remember, a bird in hand

[thumping twice]

can be very unsanitary.

You're right, pal.

I'm not gonna let anything
stop me this time.

The nerve of that weasel,

trying to steal
half our chickens.

Fortunately, the weasel
isn't very determined.

[chickens squawking]

I don't understand this, he,

oh never mind that now,
he's coming this way,

get into position to stop him!

[bowling pins clattering]

This is great, I feel so
inspired and motivated.

Here he comes.

He can't get by us!

[bowling pins clattering]

Any more untrue
statements of fact, Piggo?

Come on, we gotta stop him!

I am so very glad
the W person is gone,

as I still tremble
whenever I see that--

One side, duck.

The weasel's faster than ever,

we'll never catch that weasel.

[Roy panting loudly]

What got into him?

I wish I knew, I--

Who are you?

I am the Feline Philosopher.

Could I interest you gentleman
in a motivational speech?

Oh, nothing personal but
we don't have time for--

Oh, let's listen to him Ors,

we could use a good kick start.

Proceed.

Thank you, cousins.

Hey there, Ham and Eggs.

You say you planted
the whole north forty

with bird seed and grew

And you tried making
margarine in the butter churn

and you got a
polyunsaturated backache?

And the cow's been
so nervous lately

she's been giving milkshakes?

And you just found out you have

a library book that's overdue.

Someone took it out when
Eisenhower was president.

And your girlfriend just
eloped with the scarecrow,

she says he dresses
better than you do.

Is that what's got you
putting in for a transfer

to a Disney show, Bubby?

Well, lift your head up high

and take a wallow in the mud.

So what if this cartoon
isn't going your way?

At least it doesn't guest
star the Buddy Bears again.

Remember, he who laughs last

[thumping twice]

does not get the joke.

I suddenly feel motivated, Roy!

Likewise, let's
find that weasel!

This is great, I
shoulda gotten motivated

a long time ago,
nothing can stop me now.

Oh, excuse me I gotta go
listen to another speech.

[Roy] Get him!

Well, we won't see
him for a while.

[Roy] That's what you
said the last time.

Yeah, but he obviously
ran into our friend

with the podium and got a speech
that got him all fired up.

And it could happen again.

Not if my plan works.

Wade, this is the
Feline Philosopher

and he's gonna deliver

an inspirational
speech just for you.

[laughing] Yes!

Proceed.

Hey there, Ducky.

You say it's a
hot summer's night

and you just
inhaled a dragonfly?

Yeah, uh-huh, that's
exactly what happened to me.

Yeah, that's uh,

and a very lonely porcupine
is following you around,

he keeps asking you for a hug?

All the time!

Now how did you know?

Say, did you ever
have a nightmare

that you were a centipede?

And you had 700 children
and you had to buy tap shoes

for all of them?

I dreamed that last night.

[Wade] And it's 4 a.m.
and you gotta take

the brahma bull for a walk.

[Feline] Happens all the time.

By the time Wade gets through
with that philosopher,

he'll be in no condition
to motivate the weasel

or anyone else.

We'll see, here he comes.

Hi, giving any more speeches?

No, I gotta hide.

I gotta run and hide and
give up and surrender.

Oh, woe is I!

Well, looks like our
troubles are over.

Now, you just gonna lie around
the mud hole all day Bunky?

Well lift your head up
high and put your noses

to the grindstone,
work until you drop

and then get up
and work some more.

You and your big ideas.

Take a walk in the
sun, and show the world

how industrious you are.

Plow the fields, shuck the corn,

and whatever else
comes in to your mind.

[jazzy music]

[Garfield] Once upon a time,

there was a cat named
Garfield, that's me.

And I was running from a rather

nasty-looking canine named Rudy.

That's Rudy.

Rudy went to obedience school

where he was voted most
likely to bite someone.

[Rudy] Cat, how many
times have I warned you

about coming around here?

[Garfield] 17.

[Rudy] Now, the next time I
catch you in my neighborhood,

you know what it's gonna be?

[Garfield] Yes, 18.

[Rudy growling]

[Rudy] The next time I see
you in my neighborhood cat,

you're history!

[Garfield] Now, Rudy
didn't mean history like

Washington crossing the Delaware

or Lincoln inventing
the five-dollar bill.

He meant history like
the death of Garfield,

so I decided well,

maybe I wouldn't go
around there anymore.

But as I walked home, I
paused to wish upon a star.

Not that I believe in
that stuff, but you know,

it's free and there's no
proof it doesn't work, so.

I wished something about
teaching that dog a lesson

and then I went home, little
realizing that this was...

♪ A Garfield Fairy Tale ♪

Today's story is about me,

but it's also about Esmeralda.

Easily the worst fairy
godmother to ever wave a wand.

But don't take my word
for it, let's peek in

on the national wish
clearing house shall we?

Esmeralda, where are you?

Fairy Godmother Esmeralda
at your service, sir.

Esmeralda, you botched up
the Schmidlap assignment!

I did not.

According to this work
order, young Joey Schmidlap

wished for a live goldfish
and a stuffed teddy bear.

That's what I got him.

No, you got him a
stuffed goldfish

and a live teddy bear.

Well, I was close.

Esmeralda, I'm
demoting you again

to wishes from cats and dogs.

Here's some wish from
a cat named Garfield.

If you botch this
one up, you're fired.

It will be done!

And now, I will leave
by your rear exit.

We don't have a rear exit.

[crashing]

Did you ever wish
you had a rear exit?

[Garfield] The fairy godmother,

now a fairy cat and dog mother,

flew to the house where the
handsome cat, that's me,

lived to grant my wish.

Oh, I can't find that paper,

and I don't remember
the cat's name

or what he wished for.

I'll get fired if I don't grant
the wish, but what was it?

I know what I'll do,
I'll just give everyone

who lives here all
the wishes they want.

[Garfield] And so, we
all had all the wishes

we could ever wish for.

The trouble was, we
didn't know about it.

Odie, I'm hungry, I wish Jon
would hurry up with lunch.

[affirmative whining]

Here's your lunch guys, I
have several kinds of soup

for you and here's some salad,

and I made each of you a
whole plate of sandwiches.

Corned beef on rye, ham
on white with cheese,

one whole wheat and tuna
fish salad on pumpernickel.

Then I have some potato salad,
some coleslaw, some olives,

and here's some chocolate
cake for dessert.

[Jon panting loudly]

[Garfield] At last, the
service around here

is starting to improve.

[Odie barking]

Supermodel Christie Comely
is on another magazine cover.

Boy, I wish I could
meet her and get a date.

[laughing]

[phone ringing]

Jon Arbuckle.

Jon, this is Christie Comely,

I want you to meet me
tonight and go out on a date.

Be at my place at six sharp.

[Jon wheezing]

I have a date with
Christie Comely.

How did she?

Never mind how, I
gotta go get ready!

[Garfield] Boy, I wish
I had some mustard.

Oh, there's mustard.

♪ Oh look away, look away,
look away Dixieland ♪

♪ Oh I wish I was in
Dixieland hooray, hooray ♪

♪ In Dixieland I'll
make my stand ♪

♪ to live and die in Dixie,
look away, look away ♪

Son, you better have a powerful
good explanation for this.

I don't, I mean I was
home in my shower.

I have a date with
Christie Comely.

[Garfield] Mm, that
was a great lunch.

I wish I could eat
it all over again.

Didn't we just eat this lunch?

[affirmative growl]

It took a little doing, but
I finally figured it out,

I tried a test.

I wish for a boxing kangaroo.

[whimsical chiming]

[comical bopping squeak]

Boy, my experiment
was a success.

Odie, we have the power,

we can have anything
we wish for, anything!

[inquisitive growl]

And I know the
first thing I want.

This is where I
was kinda stupid,

no make that extremely stupid.

I shoulda wished
for gold and money

and an unlimited charge
account at Pizza World.

But the first thing I thought of

was revenge against that dog.

Alright son, one more time.

I'm telling you, I
was taking a shower

in my home a thousand
miles from here

and suddenly, I was
on the street and...

Oh, just lock me up.

Let's go.

[sobbing]

I wish I was home in bed.

[whimsical chiming]

I'm, it is, uh...

[screaming]

[Garfield] Hey Rudy, yoohoo!

[Rudy] You yoohooed?

I warned you what would
happen next time I caught--

[Garfield] You know,
I wish an anvil

would fall on you, Rudy.

[thumping]

[Rudy] Oh, now you're
really gonna get it, cat.

[Garfield] Oh, I'm
sorry, I meant to wish

that a half ton of
creamed zucchini

would fall on you.

[squelching]

This is the most fun
I've ever had in my life.

I better tell Mr. Wishnisy

that I botched up
the cat assignment.

Sir, I have to tell you.

Good job Esmeralda!

Good job?

Exactly, the cat wished
to teach the dog a lesson

and you arranged for
him to do just that.

I'm promoting you back to
people wishes with a fat raise.

Oh thank you!

I did something
right, I'm a success!

But I have to remember
to cancel that spell

giving everybody in
that house their wish.

The wish spell is canceled!

[Rudy] Cat, I'm gonna pound you.

[Garfield] Oh yeah, watch this.

I wish a 1963 Studebaker
would fall on Rudy.

[Rudy gasping]

A '61 Edsel?

Any kind of car.

A toy truck?

I wish anything
would fall on Rudy.

I wish something
would happen to Rudy!

I wish I'd never been born!

[rough fighting sounds]

I wish I had a first aid kit.

And so, someone
learned a lesson.

I'm not entirely
sure who learned it

or what the lesson was,

but hey, I guess
things turned out okay.

[crashing]

This concludes...

♪ A Garfield Fairy Tale ♪

Oh, shut up.

[upbeat music]