07x12 - The Jelly Roger/The Farmyard Feline Philosopher/Dogmother II

[bunniefuu]

[Narrator] Ladies and gentleman, Garfield and Friends! [drumroll]

♪ We're, we're ♪

♪ Ready, ready ♪

♪ To, to ♪

♪ Party

♪ We're ready to party, we're ready ♪

♪ I hope you bring lots of spaghetti ♪

[Wade] I'm scared!

♪ Come on in, come to the place where ♪

♪ Fun never ends

♪ Come on in, it's time to party ♪

♪ With Garfield and Friends

♪ Dancing ♪ Fiesta

♪ Romancing ♪ Siesta

♪ Samba ♪ La Bamba

♪ Ay caramba

♪ Disguises, disguises, surprises, surprises ♪

♪ And pies of-- and pies of all sizes ♪

♪ Come on in, come to the place where ♪

♪ Fun never ends

♪ Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and Friends ♪

♪ Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and Friends ♪

♪ Garfield and Friends

[Garfield] The longest running show on this channel,

except for the news, which is unfortunately funnier.

[happy accordion music]

Years ago, the oceans were menaced

by sea-going criminals known as pirates.

Men like Jean Lafitte, Scourge of New Orleans.

Henry Morgan, Menace of the West Indies,

or Stingy Mendelson, producer of this show.

But, perhaps none have been as evil

as the one who sailed in 1891

under the name of The Jelly Roger.

[chewing loudly]

Argh! Frigate at three o'clock mates!

Swab the deck and prepare for boarding!

[squawking]

Prepare for boarding! Prepare for boarding!

[whistling]

[Garfield] All day he plundered other ships

of their riches and mostly food.

[squawking]

Drop anchor! Drop anchor!

[squawking]

Drop anchor, I command ye!

[crashing]

Raise anchor! Raise anchor.

[squawking]

Polly wants an aspirin.

Oh boy, what a headache.

[Garfield] No one knows for certain what became of him.

But over the years, his descendants have continued

the family tradition of piracy, mostly as TV repairmen.

Aye matey, you need a new picture tube.

[Garfield] One day he was on a roof

installing a satellite dish

so that Mrs. Canigliaro could watch

the all-gardening channel, when he lost his footing.

Yo h* h*!

[Garfield] He wasn't hurt,

but the fall knocked him somewhere back in time,

back to his ancestor's calling.

I must return to the sea!

[squawking]

Return to the sea! Return to the sea!

[squawking]

[Garfield] This then is the story

of how nineteenth century piracy was reborn

in this day and age.

This is The Garfield Crime Files.

Here is the story of this dangerous pirate

and how he was brought to justice

by a handsome and crafty cat.

Cue the flashback.

Our story starts at the local pier

where the yacht owners keep their private ships,

including this new boat owner, Jon Arbuckle.

I can't wait to see the yacht I bought

through that classified ad.

[Garfield] This sounds painful.

[Odie barking]

The ship I bought should be around here, slip 13A.

There it is!

And wow, what a ship!

And it's mine, all mine!

Yep, guess the beautiful women

will be flocking to slip 13A for boat rides now.



That's 13B you're looking at, sonny.



[boat creaking and groaning]

I'm shocked this boat is, is--

[Garfield] The word you're looking for is "floating".

But it's my boat and I'm going to sail it.

I don't care if it is a little, whoa!

[Jon splashing]

[Garfield] You got it wrong, the captain is supposed

to go down with the ship, not before it.

In the meantime, other sailors in more seaworthy crafts

had their own problems.

Aye matey, hand over your gold doubloons

and pieces of eight or I'll see ya in Davy Jones' Locker!

[squawking]

Fork it over! [squawking]

It's, it's--

It's the man that fixed my TV set.

[Garfield] Yes, it was a pirate.

The Jelly Roger was sailing again, robbing everyone afloat.

But, we have no gold doubloons or pieces of eight.

Hrr, in that case, fork over all your grub

ya scurvy bilge rat!

[squawking]

Give us the food! Give us the food!

[squawking]

[Garfield] And so the pirate went on a rampage.

He had not only inherited his ancestor's occupation,

but his appetite as well.

Reports were phoned in to the Coast Guard

who reacted about as you'd expect.

[phone ringing]

Coast Guard, pirate huh?

Right, you don't want us, you wanna call Peter Pan, right.



[Garfield] Soon, the Jelly Roger had looted every ship

for miles around, with one exception.

Well, there's a landlubber if ever I've seen one!

[whistling]

Let's go, lets go!

[squawking]

According to the manual, if I pull this line

the sail should go up.

[Garfield] Not a chance.

Told ya.

[Odie laughing]

Come on pupster, let's let Popeye here

figure this one out.

No, I had it wrong, the sail will go up

when I pull this rope.

I'm getting closer.

[Garfield] Looks like Jon packed a light lunch.

Hey, with me, anything you can carry

without a forklift is a light lunch.

Jon's meatloaf, I should have known.

One of these must raise the sail.

You there, can you tell me how to raise the sails?

No, but I can tell ya how to raise your hands.

Reach for the yardarm!

[Jon stuttering]

Yes sir, Captain!

JOLLY ROGER: Gimme all your food--

[Jelly Roger splashes]

[Garfield] Did you hear someone say "Gimme all your food"?

I thought I had that line copyrighted.

[Odie barking]

No, stop please Mr. Pirate I'm sorry, ah, help!

You'll walk the plank for this, matey!

[Odie whining]

[Garfield] Don't worry pup, I think I know

how to save First Mate Gilligan there.

You'll be shark food when I get finished with ye.

No, please, help!

[Garfield] Here, from the looks of you,

this is all you really want.

Food!

That's what I come for.

I did it, I got all the food in the harbor, I did.

Har har har.

[Garfield] Not quite.

A sandwich?

Well, give it here or I'll blow ya's

to Davy Jones' Locker, I will.

[Odie whining]

Garfield, give him the sandwich!

[Garfield] Okay, but he'll be sorry.

It's one of your meatloaf specials.

[Parrot] Bye-bye.

[whistling]

My meatloaf sandwich, it overloaded him.

[Garfield] Now you know how some of us feel

after we eat them.

[Odie barking]

And so, the last pirate

was brought to justice, after a crane brought his ship

to the surface, that is.

He was convicted of piracy on the high seas

and sentenced, but he did promise

to seek honest work when he got out.

I'm going back to fixing TVs.

[Garfield] I said honest work.

And so ends another page in the Garfield Crime File.

Be with us next time when we go after

the guy who invented infomercials.

Now there's a dangerous criminal.

[bright music]

Jon's soda pop.

[bubbling]

Ah-ha, he thinks I'm going to open this

and spray soda pop in my face

[laughing]

Well, we'll just see who has the last laugh.

[splashing]

Whoa!

[Garfield] Ha.

[sorrowful harmonica music]

[alarm sounding]

Uh, Roy, what is the reason for all this frenzy?

The weasel has stolen some chickens!

Oh, a fine reason for panic if I do say so myself.

The weasel has stolen some chickens?

Yeah, the weasel has stolen some chickens.

Come back with those chickens, Weasel!

Time to scram.

[Wade stuttering]

The pig's gaining on me, I gotta find a way to get away.

[whistling]

Come on, come on already!

Detour?

Hey, I don't care which way I go,

just so long as I get outta here.

[Roy laughing]

Hey, I don't remember this road before.

Weasel tunnel?

Well, okay!

You'd think they'd install some lights in these things.

Hey, this is kind of a sudden steep hill in here.

[Roy laughing]

[chickens clucking wildly]

Hey, who took my chickens?

Weasel, someone of your caliber should go far.

[cannon booming]

[Weasel screaming]

All safe, ladies.

Where's the weasel gonna land, Roy?

According to this, I used enough power

to send him all the way to channel 56.

He should land somewhere in a Gilligan's Island rerun.

Even the weasel doesn't deserve that!

What an ordeal.

Having a bad day, Bunky?

Hey, what are you selling?

Inspiration, cousin.

I'm a motivational speaker, I can inspire anyone to success.

Hiya, Bunky.

You say you jumped out of a plane at 30,000 feet

and the sky diving instructor is yelling,

"Where's my knapsack?"

And you got sealed in a biosphere for three months

with sixteen skunks and a fast-talking insurance man

from Ohio.

And no matter where you go, you keep seeing Elvis.

Is that what's got you feeling

you're about to go pop, Weasel?

Well, lift your head up high and take a walk

in the sun with that fortitude and determination

that you show them what you're made of!

And if they don't like it,

tell them you're made of something else!

Remember, a bird in hand

[thumping twice]

can be very unsanitary.

You're right, pal.

I'm not gonna let anything stop me this time.

The nerve of that weasel,

trying to steal half our chickens.

Fortunately, the weasel isn't very determined.

[chickens squawking]

I don't understand this, he,

oh never mind that now, he's coming this way,

get into position to stop him!

[bowling pins clattering]

This is great, I feel so inspired and motivated.

Here he comes.

He can't get by us!

[bowling pins clattering]

Any more untrue statements of fact, Piggo?

Come on, we gotta stop him!

I am so very glad the W person is gone,

as I still tremble whenever I see that--

One side, duck.

The weasel's faster than ever,

we'll never catch that weasel.

[Roy panting loudly]

What got into him?

I wish I knew, I--

Who are you?

I am the Feline Philosopher.

Could I interest you gentleman in a motivational speech?

Oh, nothing personal but we don't have time for--

Oh, let's listen to him Ors,

we could use a good kick start.

Proceed.

Thank you, cousins.

Hey there, Ham and Eggs.

You say you planted the whole north forty

with bird seed and grew 97 acres of pigeons?

And you tried making margarine in the butter churn

and you got a polyunsaturated backache?

And the cow's been so nervous lately

she's been giving milkshakes?

And you just found out you have

a library book that's overdue.

Someone took it out when Eisenhower was president.

And your girlfriend just eloped with the scarecrow,

she says he dresses better than you do.

Is that what's got you putting in for a transfer

to a Disney show, Bubby?

Well, lift your head up high

and take a wallow in the mud.

So what if this cartoon isn't going your way?

At least it doesn't guest star the Buddy Bears again.

Remember, he who laughs last

[thumping twice]

does not get the joke.

I suddenly feel motivated, Roy!

Likewise, let's find that weasel!

This is great, I shoulda gotten motivated

a long time ago, nothing can stop me now.

Oh, excuse me I gotta go listen to another speech.

[Roy] Get him!

Well, we won't see him for a while.

[Roy] That's what you said the last time.

Yeah, but he obviously ran into our friend

with the podium and got a speech that got him all fired up.

And it could happen again.

Not if my plan works.

Wade, this is the Feline Philosopher

and he's gonna deliver

an inspirational speech just for you.

[laughing] Yes!

Proceed.

Hey there, Ducky.

You say it's a hot summer's night

and you just inhaled a dragonfly?

Yeah, uh-huh, that's exactly what happened to me.

Yeah, that's uh,

and a very lonely porcupine is following you around,

he keeps asking you for a hug?

All the time!

Now how did you know?

Say, did you ever have a nightmare

that you were a centipede?

And you had 700 children and you had to buy tap shoes

for all of them?

I dreamed that last night.

[Wade] And it's 4 a.m. and you gotta take

the brahma bull for a walk.

[Feline] Happens all the time.

By the time Wade gets through with that philosopher,

he'll be in no condition to motivate the weasel

or anyone else.

We'll see, here he comes.

Hi, giving any more speeches?

No, I gotta hide.

I gotta run and hide and give up and surrender.

Oh, woe is I!

Well, looks like our troubles are over.

Now, you just gonna lie around the mud hole all day Bunky?

Well lift your head up high and put your noses

to the grindstone, work until you drop

and then get up and work some more.

You and your big ideas.

Take a walk in the sun, and show the world

how industrious you are.

Plow the fields, shuck the corn,

and whatever else comes in to your mind.

[jazzy music]

[Garfield] Once upon a time,

there was a cat named Garfield, that's me.

And I was running from a rather

nasty-looking canine named Rudy.

That's Rudy.

Rudy went to obedience school

where he was voted most likely to bite someone.

[Rudy] Cat, how many times have I warned you

about coming around here?

[Garfield] 17.

[Rudy] Now, the next time I catch you in my neighborhood,

you know what it's gonna be?

[Garfield] Yes, 18.

[Rudy growling]

[Rudy] The next time I see you in my neighborhood cat,

you're history!

[Garfield] Now, Rudy didn't mean history like

Washington crossing the Delaware

or Lincoln inventing the five-dollar bill.

He meant history like the death of Garfield,

so I decided well,

maybe I wouldn't go around there anymore.

But as I walked home, I paused to wish upon a star.

Not that I believe in that stuff, but you know,

it's free and there's no proof it doesn't work, so.

I wished something about teaching that dog a lesson

and then I went home, little realizing that this was...

♪ A Garfield Fairy Tale

Today's story is about me,

but it's also about Esmeralda.

Easily the worst fairy godmother to ever wave a wand.

But don't take my word for it, let's peek in

on the national wish clearing house shall we?

Esmeralda, where are you?

Fairy Godmother Esmeralda at your service, sir.

Esmeralda, you botched up the Schmidlap assignment!

I did not.

According to this work order, young Joey Schmidlap

wished for a live goldfish and a stuffed teddy bear.

That's what I got him.

No, you got him a stuffed goldfish

and a live teddy bear.

Well, I was close.

Esmeralda, I'm demoting you again

to wishes from cats and dogs.

Here's some wish from a cat named Garfield.

If you botch this one up, you're fired.

It will be done!

And now, I will leave by your rear exit.

We don't have a rear exit.

[crashing]

Did you ever wish you had a rear exit?

[Garfield] The fairy godmother,

now a fairy cat and dog mother,

flew to the house where the handsome cat, that's me,

lived to grant my wish.

Oh, I can't find that paper,

and I don't remember the cat's name

or what he wished for.

I'll get fired if I don't grant the wish, but what was it?

I know what I'll do, I'll just give everyone

who lives here all the wishes they want.

[Garfield] And so, we all had all the wishes

we could ever wish for.

The trouble was, we didn't know about it.

Odie, I'm hungry, I wish Jon would hurry up with lunch.

[affirmative whining]

Here's your lunch guys, I have several kinds of soup

for you and here's some salad,

and I made each of you a whole plate of sandwiches.

Corned beef on rye, ham on white with cheese,

one whole wheat and tuna fish salad on pumpernickel.

Then I have some potato salad, some coleslaw, some olives,

and here's some chocolate cake for dessert.

[Jon panting loudly]

[Garfield] At last, the service around here

is starting to improve.

[Odie barking]

Supermodel Christie Comely is on another magazine cover.

Boy, I wish I could meet her and get a date.

[laughing]

[phone ringing]

Jon Arbuckle.

Jon, this is Christie Comely,

I want you to meet me tonight and go out on a date.

Be at my place at six sharp.

[Jon wheezing]

I have a date with Christie Comely.

How did she?

Never mind how, I gotta go get ready!

[Garfield] Boy, I wish I had some mustard.

Oh, there's mustard.

♪ Oh look away, look away, look away Dixieland ♪

♪ Oh I wish I was in Dixieland hooray, hooray ♪

♪ In Dixieland I'll make my stand ♪

♪ to live and die in Dixie, look away, look away ♪

Son, you better have a powerful good explanation for this.

I don't, I mean I was home in my shower.

I have a date with Christie Comely.

[Garfield] Mm, that was a great lunch.

I wish I could eat it all over again.

Didn't we just eat this lunch?

[affirmative growl]

It took a little doing, but I finally figured it out,

I tried a test.

I wish for a boxing kangaroo.

[whimsical chiming]

[comical bopping squeak]

Boy, my experiment was a success.

Odie, we have the power,

we can have anything we wish for, anything!

[inquisitive growl]

And I know the first thing I want.

This is where I was kinda stupid,

no make that extremely stupid.

I shoulda wished for gold and money

and an unlimited charge account at Pizza World.

But the first thing I thought of

was revenge against that dog.

Alright son, one more time.

I'm telling you, I was taking a shower

in my home a thousand miles from here

and suddenly, I was on the street and...

Oh, just lock me up.

Let's go.

[sobbing]

I wish I was home in bed.

[whimsical chiming]

I'm, it is, uh...

[screaming]

[Garfield] Hey Rudy, yoohoo!

[Rudy] You yoohooed?

I warned you what would happen next time I caught--

[Garfield] You know, I wish an anvil

would fall on you, Rudy.

[thumping]

[Rudy] Oh, now you're really gonna get it, cat.

[Garfield] Oh, I'm sorry, I meant to wish

that a half ton of creamed zucchini

would fall on you.

[squelching]

This is the most fun I've ever had in my life.

I better tell Mr. Wishnisy

that I botched up the cat assignment.

Sir, I have to tell you.

Good job Esmeralda!

Good job?

Exactly, the cat wished to teach the dog a lesson

and you arranged for him to do just that.

I'm promoting you back to people wishes with a fat raise.

Oh thank you!

I did something right, I'm a success!

But I have to remember to cancel that spell

giving everybody in that house their wish.

The wish spell is canceled!

[Rudy] Cat, I'm gonna pound you.

[Garfield] Oh yeah, watch this.

I wish a 1963 Studebaker would fall on Rudy.

[Rudy gasping]

A '61 Edsel?

Any kind of car.

A toy truck?

I wish anything would fall on Rudy.

I wish something would happen to Rudy!

I wish I'd never been born!

[rough fighting sounds]

I wish I had a first aid kit.

And so, someone learned a lesson.

I'm not entirely sure who learned it

or what the lesson was,

but hey, I guess things turned out okay.

[crashing]

This concludes...

♪ A Garfield Fairy Tale

Oh, shut up.

[upbeat music]