07x02 - Roger's Ransom

[bunniefuu]

-We're back.

I mean, we weren't-- I mean,
it's just another show.
It's another show,
brand new show.
I'm Howie.

This is Bobby's World.

I'm very, very, very excited
about this particular show
because, well,
because I've seen it.
And I love it because
it's a good show
and because I'm in it.

And it is special.

You know what?

I'm not going to ruin it
for you, because I think
that you should sit
back and watch it.
And I think that--
you know what?
Let's just started.

What do you say?

I don't care what you say,
because you're at home.
I do care, but I can't hear you.

Let's just get started.

Here's the show.

-Wait a minute, Howie.

Can I tell you something?

-Uh, yeah.

Go ahead.

-OK.

Did I tell you that
every time I see girls,
they always say how
handsome you are,
and that you are the
greatest actor on television?
-Well, you nev-- you
never told me that.
-You know why?

-Why?

-Because no one ever said that.

[LAUGHS]

-Start-- start the show.

[THEME MUSIC]

-Bobby, sweetie, rise and shine.

Remember last night when you
couldn't wait for tomorrow?
Well, tomorrow is here, hun.

-T-- tomorrow's here?

OVERHEAD PA: This
is mission control.
Time to Bobby getting up--
two seconds and counting.
Go to launch.

Repeat, we are go to launch.

MARTHA: And get a move
on there now then yet.
I've got myself a gee
golly busy day here then.
And I need you to get
downstairs and eat
your breakfast, lickity
split, don't 'cha know.
OK, OK.

The chow wagon's on its way now.

Hold your rainier, whatever.

-Wake up, Roger.

It's Saturday.

Time to get up so
we can start having
fun doing nothing all day.

MARTHA: Well, for cryin' in
cold molasses there, hun.
Get a move on!

The gee golly sink pipes
are backed up again,
and things are a little wacko
crazy in the kitchen right now,
so--

HOWARD: Oh, no.

Ted, you hit the wrong pipe.

Ah-- [SPITTING] Ted!

-So you go in the family
room, eat your breakfast,
and then get yourself back
upstairs and get dressed.
That's mommy's good
little mansy there now.
Howard, Ted, what say
we call a plumber?
HOWARD: No need, Martha.

I've just about got it.

-That's what dads
always say just
before things really
start going wrong.
MARTHA: Oh, Howard!

-Told you.

Look, Roger-- Really
Weird Mysteries.
I love this show.

[ROGER BARKS]

HOWARD: Careful, Ted.

You know, all the
pipes are connected.
-All the pipes are connected?

-Must be those Generics
banging on the pipes again.
[ROGER BARKING]

-What's up, Roger?

Oh, it's starting.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Welcome
to Really Weird Mysteries
and to the story of the
world's richest man.
-The world's richest man?

[GIRLS SQUEALING]

-Look!

It's Hot Shot Bobby!

ANNOUNCER: This,
ladies and gentlemen,
is Hot Shot Bobby--
the smartest,
handsomest, really, really rich
guy in the whole wide world.
Basically, Hot Shot Bobby's just
a regular guy like you and me,
except he's a bazillionaire.

And as a result, rarely has
to take crud from anybody.
He's a simple guy who loves
the simple things in life,
like his mommy and his dog.

Yes, that bond between owner and
pet is truly something special.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: And in this
case, that bond between owner
and pet is what has led us to
another really weird mystery.
Sadly, this concludes tonight's
story of the kidnapping
of Nazdak, the
devoted dog belonging
to world famous
billionaire, Gib Nelson.
The truth about
what happened to him
still remains a
really weird mystery.
-Kidnapped?

Gadzooks!

That's sad, huh, Roger?

[ROGER WHIMPERS]

But don't worry.

I won't ever let anything
like that happen to you.
MARTHA: Well, for corn sakes.

What's going on in
here now then yet?
Bobby!

I told you over a
long-suffering hour
ago to finish your breakfast,
and get your little round
torso dressed, don't 'cha know.

-But-- but I needed
somebody to help me.
-Ah, for giving it a
break there now, Bobby.
-Ow!

What the-- Bobby!

I thought I told you to
fill up Roger's water dish.
-I was waiting for
someone to help me, dad.
-Very good.

I got it.

There is is, your problem-- oh!

Ugh, that's a stench.

Hey Bobbo, how
about scurrying up
a towel for your
old Uncle Ted, huh?
I got smooshed on.

-OK.

But can somebody help me?

-That wrecks it I have
had it with you acting
like some kind of Barney
watching baby there now yet.
-When moms lose it,
they really lose it.
-It is time for you, mr. mansy,
to start taking care of things
on your own, for
Independence's sake.
Kelly and Derek are sick
in bed with the flu.
The sink's backed up.

The twins have gee
golly prickly heat,
and I've got a double-dip
doosey of a headache.
Now, I want you to turn
that television down,
mr. Man minute.

And get yourself dressed and
out in that yard, Bobby Generic.
You stay out there, and keep
an eye on your Roger dog til
it's times to take him to
his veterinary appointment.
Howard, I swear if one more
thing goes wrong around here,
I'm going to flip my gee
golly lid, don't 'cha know.
[ROGER BARKING]

I need some peace and
quiet, for commotion's sake,
for cryin' in the mud!

-How come moms are
always shouting
when they say they
want peace and quiet.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: See you next
time, and remember, be careful.
You never know
when you may become
part of a really weird mystery.

-Hi, Bobby.

Why are you sneaking
around your own backyard?
-I'm not sneaking.

I'm being careful, Jackie.

'Cause you never
know when you'll
become part of a
really weird mystery.
-I'd cut back on my TV
watching if I were you, Bobby.
The worst thing you can do in
today's complex and confusing
world is allow yourself to
become a victim of the media.
Want to come over to
my house and play?
-Can't.

I have to stay here and keep an
eye on Roger, 'cause-- Roger!
Roger!

Roger!

[ROGER WHIMPERING]

-Gadzooks!

Somebody's kidnapped Roger.

Roger, kidnapped,
just like on TV.
Mom counted on
me-- all my fault.
I've got to tell mom.

I've got--

-If one more thing
goes wrong around here,
I'm gonna flip my gee golly lid.

-Uh oh.

I don't want mom
to flip her lid.
I'm gonna have to take
care of this by myself.
Oh.

-I feel your pain, Bobby.

Having your dog kidnapped--
wow, major crime
is coming to our neighborhood.

That's big news.

-It is?

-Well, you just never
expect a thing like this
to happen in your
own neighborhood.
I just feel so--
[SOBS] so violated.
-Hey, look, I'm a big guy.

I can take care of myself, see.

But lots of pets around here
are afraid to leave their yards.
They feel vulnerable, unsafe
in their own doggy beds,
you get it?

Hey, you know why?

It's him.

It's all his fault.

[BOOING AND HISSING]

[PHONE RINGS]

-I think it's for you, Bobby.

Bobby, didn't you
hear what I said?
I think it's for you.

-Hello?

-Ah yes, Mr. Generic,
we've got your dog.
[ROGER BARKS]

-Meeker, what a way
you have with words.
-It is you who acts eloquent.

-Oh, no, no, mon ami.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
-You slay me.

-Oh, no, no, no.

You slay me.
-I'm your straight man.
-Oh, no you're not.
-You're the man.
-You're the man.

-You're the man.

-You're the man.

-You're the man, man, man, man.

-Man, man, man, man, man, man.

BOBBY [ON PHONE]: Hello?

Hello?

-Ah yes, as I was
saying-- got your dog.
Costs you $5 by 4 o'clock.

[DIAL TONE]

-Hello?

Hello?

-Your bone phone, sir.

-Oh, that's rather humorous.

Thank you, Meeker.

You are too kind.

-You tickle my funny bone.

-You make me laugh
bit of marrow.
-You fracture my skull.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[LAUGHTER]

JACKIE: A $5 ransom.

Sounds like they're playing
hard ball with you, Bobby.
-Hard ball?

But I only know
how to play T-ball.
What am I gonna do, Webbly?

-Let go of the spider,
and get a grip, Bobby.
Anybody who would
kidnap a person's dog
and hold him for ransom is
not a good person, Bobby.
And it's wrong to
give in to bad guys.
It's not the American way.

-It's not?

-No, Bobby.

All through history, great
Americans didn't give in.
They stood up and
fought the bad guys.
-Yeah, right!

JACKIE: And who were some of
those great Americans, Bobby?
They were people like
George Washington.
-I cannot tell a lie.

JACKIE: And Betsy Ross.

-The bad guys have
Roger, and it's no fair.
-Roger is entitled
to life, liberty,
a purse, shoes,
and some happiness.
JACKIE: And the
Statue of Liberty.
-Darn straight.

America is the land of
the free and the home
of guys named Dave.

-So, Bobby, what
are you going to do?
Are you going to
give in, or fight?
-I'm gonna save Roger.

Wait a minute, the
kidnappers want $5 for Roger.
I'm just a kid.

Where am I gonna come up
with that kind of money?
Uh oh.

Am I in trouble?

Am I in trouble?

-Of course you're
in trouble, Bobby.
Your dog's been
kidnapped, and you've only
got til 4:00 o'clock
to get him back.
-I've gotta find a way
to raise some money.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

-Oh, why, hello there, Bobby.

-Hi, Mrs. Peters.

If you give me a dollar,
I'll do the macarena.
-Macaroni?

Oh-- oh, no thank
you, sweetheart.
No, it gives me gas.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

-Heyo, Bobby.

How's it going?

-Hi, James.

If you give me a dollar,
I'll do the macarena.
-OK!

Ah, never mind.

I thought there was
going to be music.
[DOOR SLAMS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

JACKIE: How'd it go, Bobby?

-Not good.

All I got was $2.

-You probably could
have done better
if you'd been able to
leave the block, Bobby.
-Yeah, but I'm about not
allowed to talk to strangers.
-Don't worry, Bobby.

We'll think of something.

MEEKER: Well, all I can say
about that is you haven't got
much time left if you're going
to get here by 4 o'clock.
This is the last warning you
will receive, Mr. Generic.
Put me straight, dear Snird.

Exactly why do they have
to be here by 4 o'clock?
-Hmm, allow me to consult the
officially authorized code
book.

Imagine knowing that
your dog is in the pound
and not caring enough
to come and pick him up.
-Don't forget, my dear
Snird, very few people
have your sensitivity when it
comes to dealing with animals.
You're a regular Dr. Doolittle.

-Oh, as little as possible.

[LAUGHTER]

[ROGER GROWLS]

BOBBY: Gotta think
of something to save
Roger from the kidnappers.

-Check the message, Bobby.

Maybe it's from them.

MEEKER [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]:
We still have your dog.
Costs you $5.

[STATIC] See you 4 o'clock.

That's [STATIC] Last warning.

MARTHA: Bobby,
did somebody call?
I can't hear a gee golly
thing over all this noise.
-Wrong number.

-Denying reality is
dangerous business, Bobby.
Maybe it's time to just give
it up and tell your family
the truth about the kidnapping.

But then again, my mom
heard on Sally Jeffe
that the loss of a family
pet can be a traumatic event.
Some families never recover
from news like that.
They just snap.

-They do?

-And today on the
Sally Jeffe Show,
the story of the Generics.

[FAMILY CORRECTING
PRONUNCIATION] Generics!
-Generics-- a family
driven completely crazy
by the kidnapping of their dog.

-Lost all touch with reality,
the whole family-- sad.
[LAUGHING AND HOLLERING]

JACKIE: This is a big
time crisis, Bobby.
It's like something
out of a movie.
-Yeah.

If I was a tough guy in
a movie, what would I do?
First, I'd take off my shirt.

JACKIE: That's nice, Bobby.

But maybe you
should ask yourself
what somebody like
Bart Simpson would do.
-I'll give $2 to any kid who
can find my kidnapped dog.
-OK, we'll help.

Who took him?

What did they look like?

Which way did they go?

-I don't know.

-Then how are we
supposed to find him?
JACKIE: My mom says that Jerry
Sprunger says that compromise
is the key to successful
living, Bobby.
So maybe you should give
the kidnappers a call,
see if you can work a deal.

Oh, but you don't have
their phone number, do you?
-No problem.

Call return, Jackie.

It automatically calls back
the last person who called you.
Good thing about watching too
much TV is all the commercials.
[PHONE RINGS]

-Dog Pound-- dog
catcher Meeker here.
A doggone good dog
day afternoon to you.
Canine help you?

-Roger's not kidnapped.

He's at the pound.

-Right you are, young sir.

His dog tags are expired.

Pay the $5 fine, and he will
be released immediately.
-Roger can go home?

-As long as you get
here by 4:00 pm.
If you do not arrive by
that time, under Article 13,
section zulu tango of the
authorized official code--
a beautifully
written treatise, I
might add-- we will be forced
to have your dog deported.
-Ported?

Roger's in the pound, and
they're gonna port him.
I've gotta tell mom.

-I thought you
didn't want to get
in trouble by asking
for help, Bobby.
-When it comes to
saving your dog,
a kid's gotta do what
a kid's gotta do.
-Roger!

Roger, we got here in time.

You're safe.

You're not gonna be ported.

-Uh-- sorry about that young
man, just a misunderstanding.
Your dog's not going to be
sent out of the country.
[SNIRD CHUCKLES]

-No, no.

I was reading from
the rules governing
unclaimed South
American produce.
My mistake.

MEEKER: You know, brave
of you to admit it, Snird.
SNIRD: Thank you,
and how diligent
of you to floss daily, Meeker.

MEEKER: Lonely are the
brave, I'll bet you.
SNIRD: Oh, [INAUDIBLE] because
you have such excellent
[INAUDIBLE].

MEEKER: Me?

SNIRD: Yes.

MEEKER: You.

BOBBY: Mom?

Am I in trouble 'cause
Roger got put in the pound?
-Oh, for harried housewives,
hun, of course you're not.
I was my gee golly fault for
forgetting to renew his tags.
Aw, you must have
been so scared when
you thought Roger
had been kidnapped.
Oh, you should have said
something, little boy.
It's OK to ask for help when
you really are in trouble,
don't 'cha know?

-I wish you would have
explained that sooner.
That was a happy ending.

-We always have a happy ending.

-I know.

Let's do something different.

-Like what?

-How about a chase?

-Well, how do we do that?

-You run, and I'll
run after you.
-OK.

Here I go.

BOBBY: Now, isn't this
a great new ending?
-No.

-You're right, but
it's different.