06x07 - Bobby, Lord of the Slopes

[bunniefuu]

-Howie, Howie, what do
you think of this book?
-I haven't read that book.

-Well, just judge by its cover.

-You can't judge a
book by its cover.
-Oh.

Well, how many
chickens do you think
are going to be hatched
in Wyoming this year?
-You can't count the chickens
before they're hatched.
-Oh.

Well, what do you
think of today's show?
-It's gonna be great.

-Well, how can you tell?

-Well, judging from the
cover of today's script,
I know there aren't
any chickens in it.
[RIMSHOT]

-But-- never mind.

[THEME MUSIC]

[MUSIC - "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD
FELLOW"]
-When's it going to
be time to eat, Mom?
-Well, my little
mansy, if you help
me, it'll be sooner than
you know it, don't you know?
-Sooner than I know?

And they can kids say
the darnedest things.
-You can be my little
assistant chef.
-Me?

A chef?

ANNOUNCER: [FRENCH
ACCENT] The Food Channel
is proud to present
Cooking for Monsters
with master chef
Bobby de la "Generic."
-That's "Gen-er-ic."

ANNOUNCER: Oh, so
sorry, monsieur.
Generic.

-[FRENCH ACCENT] Welcome,
welcome, everyone to my show,
how are we today,
mon Captain Squash?
-Mais oui, bon.

What are we are making today?

-Today, we are going to
whip up a little sometime
to feed from one to 20 monsters.

Frankenstein French toast with
Creature from the Black Lagoon
legumes and
mummy-marinated mussels.
-Mm.

What a description, Bobby.

I can almost taste it.

-Ooh, la la!

First we must slice the carrots.

Mwahahaha!

It's a slice!

It's a slice!

[LAUGHS IN TRIUMPH]

MARTHA: Bobby, for the cry
eye, quit playing with the food
and come to the table.

Kelly, Derek, Bobby!

Oh, you're here.

Howard!

Dinner!

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

-Uh, I say six minutes after.

-Nah, I say about two minutes.

-Hun, how soon do
you think it'll
be before Uncle Ted
shows up for dinner, huh?
-Hey, hey, hey.

Now, ring it on.

Don't be making fun
of my big bro, Ted.
-I say in two seconds.

-Hey, everyone!

-I win!

-How'd you know?

-We're having turkey cakes.

It's Uncle Ted's
second most favorite.
-Pull up a chair, Ted.

-Nope, not hungry.

-What?

-No way!

-Fatso first.

-You don't want to eat?

-I'm too excited to eat.

-Hmm.

What could make Uncle
Ted too excited to eat?
A sale on socks in a can?

Or maybe a
trout-on-a-stick cook-off.
Or sliding a whoopee
cushion under Aunt
Ruth at her bingo club.

-I've won two nights and one day
for four to Donner Pass Lodge.
-Nice.

-All I have to do is listen
to a 90-minute sales pitch.
That's a cinch.

They're looking
for people to buy
timeshare condominiums
in their skiing complex.
It's up in the mountains.

-Mountains?

-Skiing?

-Lots of snow?

-Who wants to go?

-I'd love to, Ted, but I
just can't take the time off.
-Well, I got the
twins to take care of.
-Well, what about us kids?

-[SCOFF] Like, get real.

What about school?

-You don't even know how to ski.

-I could learn.

-Could not.

-Could too.

-Could not.

-Could too.

-You know then there,
that's not a bad idea.
You could take the
kids on a Friday.
It's just two
nights and one day.
They wouldn't miss any school.

-Do you know what
you're saying, Martha?
Kelly, Derek, Uncle
Ted, and Bobby
off together on their own?

-Why not?

Things would be quieter
around here for the weekend.
[CLICKS TONGUE]

-Oh. [CHUCKLING] Oh, yes.

Then it's OK with me too.

[MISCHIEVOUS CHUCKLE]

[KIDS CHEER]

-Well, let's just see what my
little "goin' to the mountains"
mansy is packing for the trip.

-I'm ready to go.

-Well, hun, I don't
think you should
be takin' all this stuff.

You'll need warm clothes
to battle the elements,
don't you know?

-Battling the elephants?

-Aah!

Help!

Captain Squash!

-Hang on, Bobby, your
hero is on the way.
[GRUNT] Wow.

We'll need a
miracle, Bobby, if we
expect to battle
these elephants.
MARTHA [VOICEOVER]:
Not elephants, Bobby.
Elements.

-Phew.

Close call.

-Now, look see, here's
what you need to take.
Long underwear, a
scarf, and gloves.
-You know, moms
and kids sure have
different ideas of what
to pack for a trip.
[HORN HONKS]

[ROGER BARKING]

-Have fun!

Hey, don't do anything
I wouldn't do!
-You all be careful.

And mind your manners, Bobby.

Kelly, Kelly, you
watch out for Bobby.
And Derek, you call as soon
as you get there, okay?
[KIDS BIDDING FAREWELL]

HOWARD: And watch out!

-I will! [CRASH]

-For the garbage can.

UNCLE TED: [CHUCKLE]
That's a paint job.
Okay, kids, fasten
your seat belts.
We're off to Donner Lodge!

-This is gonna be great!

-Okay, Bobbo, it's just
two more hours now.
--[SIGH] What can I
do for two hours?
I know.

Car games!

-Oh, count me out, Bobbo.

Can't drive and think
at the same time.
You kids play.

-Want to the alphabet game?

I see something that
starts with the letter A.
-Forget it.

-Can't hear.

-I know!

Want to play the
license plate game?
I see California!

-That's a stupid game.

If you like it so
much, you play it.
-Can't hear, sorry.

-Car games aren't any
fun if nobody plays.
I know a fun game!

Want to play What's That Smell?

-Bobby, your car
games are the worst.
-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

-I'll show him.

I'll make up The
Ultimate Car Game!
GARY OWENS: Hi,
this is Gary Owens,
the host of The
Ultimate Car Game!
First you make the
back seat bigger,
then you stretch a rope
ladder across the back.
Then you add obstacle
courses, contestants,
and a host, me, Gary Owens.

Let's get down to fun.

Okay, Bobby.

If you can get past
your brother and sister
in the auto obstacle
course, you win!
-OK.

-Go!

-We told ya, we don't want to
play your stupid car games.
-This trip is going to
be longer than I thought.
-Here we are!

-Wow!

[TIRES SCREECH]

-I get dibs!

-Uh-uh.

You get what we don't want.

-That's right, Bobalina.

You're low man on
this totem pole.
-Oh.

[BELL CLANGING]

-May I help you?

-Yes.

I'm here with my
three guests, who
wish to partake of
your hospitality
while I consider
investing in one
of your guys's timeshare condos.

The reservation is under
Ted Nutzenberger Sven,
but you can call me Uncle Ted.

-Certainly, Uncle Ted.

This two-bedroom
is representative
of the timeshare condominiums.

Enjoy.

-This is it!

-I'm first!

-You mean last.

KELLY AND DEREK: Whoa.

-Yippee!

-Now this is what
you'd call sharp.
Fit for a king.

-Yeah.

This could fit a king.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-Hear ye, hear ye!

All who are gathered in
the court of King Bobby,
now listen to his
royal rules and obey
them throughout the kingdom.

-I hereby rule that the kids can
play-- a-hunka-hunka-- whatever
games they want--
a-hunka-hunka--
whenever they want.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I-- hunka-hunka-- hereby
proclaim no more bedtime.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-Me lord, me lord, a word?

-A-hunka-hunka halt.

Let the lowly
peasant girl speak.
-[SCOFF] No duh.

This isn't your room.

[CONGREGATION GASPS]

You're bunking with Uncle Ted.

--[CHUCKLE] Get a
move on, bird brain.
Kel and I are sharing this room.

It's way too cool for you.

UNCLE TED: OK, kids.

I signed you up for
a beginner ski lesson
while I'm at the 90-minute
sales presentation.
So, Kelly and
Derek, I expect you
to look after Bobby, all right?

-Whatever.

-Yeah.

INSTRUCTOR: All right,
listen, everybody.
Here are a few
important tips that you
can beginning skiers
should remember.
So pay attention.

-Word.

Those guys are so cute.

-Wow, that's hot.

-If we're supposed to be paying
attention to our 'structor, how
come I'm the only one doing it?

INSTRUCTOR: And remember, if you
get separated from your group
or anything goes
wrong, there are
warming shacks on the mountain.

And in those
shacks, you're going
to find phones and
automatic heaters.
-Oh, who needs to listen to her?

-[INAUDIBLE]

-Totally.

How hard can it be to ski?

-Sometimes you just can't argue
with your brother and sister.
Are we supposed to
go on this ride?
-Oh, it's easy.

Just watch me.

-It's like being at
the carnival, Bobby.
-No!

KELLY: You can open
your eyes now, Bobby.
See?

This is fun.

-How-how-how do you
get off this ride?
-It's easy.

Just watch me.

-OK.

[SKI LIFT CREAKS]

[BOBBY SCREAMING]

[CRASH]

-See?

It's easy.

-Oh!

Easy to fall.

-You just need a
little practice.
Come on.

-Oof!

DEREK: Yeah!

Check this out, Bobby!

Aah!

Ugh!

--[GIGGLE] Yeah, that
was great, Derek.
-[SPITS]

-Now, this is the advanced run.

Are you sure you can ski
well enough to meet us
at the bottom?

-[NERVOUSLY] Sure.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Aah!

[GRUNT]

-Kelly, you okay?

-[CRY] My ankle.

-I think it's sprained.

Bobby, ask someone for help!

-OK.

Everybody's gone!

-[GRUNTING] OK, here you go.

-Ow!

Ow!

Oh, get off my foot!

-Now what do we do, Kelly?

-Well, don't ask me.

-Who else am I supposed to ask?

There's no one else here!

[ECHOING]

-Sounds like there's
only one person
who can get them through this.

Me!

DEREK: Come on, Kelly.

Think of something.

-Me?

Duh!

Can you not tell that I am
trying not to freak out?
-Yep, I know what to do.

-[SCOFF] You?

-What are you
babbling about, dweeb?
-I'm talking about what
our ski 'structor said.
She said we're supposed to go
there to the warming cabin.
-I'm freezing.

-My ankle is k*lling me.

-Come on!

It's not too far.

-We made it.

--[SCOFF] Did you notice
there's nobody here?
-What's the first
thing to remember
in a tough situation, Bobby?

-Don't panic.

-Right, Bobby.

-Don't worry.

We're OK here.

Unless it gets colder.

BOTH: Colder?

-Oops.

Don't worry.

I'll find a way to warm us up.

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

If you're like me
and can't read yet,
I said, I will find fire and
bring it back to the tribe.
No fire here.

[EXOTIC CREATURE SOUNDS]

No fire here.

[BUBBLING]

No fire here.

[SIZZLE]

-[GASPING]

[HOLLER]

-Got it, Roger-tooth,
you found fire.
-I can't believe it.

Like, how did you
make this fire, Bobby?
-Easy.

I just pushed the On
button near the phone.
-Phone?

There's a phone!

-Yeah, I used it to
call the ski patrol.
If you two had been listening
to the ski 'structor,
you would have known what
to do in an emergency.
-So?

How long is it gonna
take them to get here?
My ankle is really
starting to hurt.
-Your ankle?

My hands are still freezing.

I think I have frostbite.

What do we do now, Bobby?

-OK, OK.

-You see, Bobby?

Listening so you know
what to do pays off.
You're no longer low
man on the totem pole.
-Yeah.

Don't worry.

I know what to do.

Let me tell you a story.

-Story?

My hands are freezing,
Kelly's ankle hurts,
and you're gonna
tell us a story?
-Yep.

Once upon a time, there was a
little boy on another planet.
To escape their dying
planet, his parents
sent him in a rocket
ship to Earth.
The little boy discovered
on this new planet
that he had superpowers.

Luckily, he was found
by Texas rangers
out looking for bad guys.

When he grew up, they
decided this visitor
from another planet
could use his superpowers
to help them fight for justice.

To hide his identity, they
gave him a mask to wear.
And when he wore the mask, he
could transform into any shape.
-Somebody stop me!

-Bobby, that story
doesn't make any sense.
-I know.

But you forgot your
owies while I fixed them.
Look.

-My ankle.

-My hands.

It's a little trick
I learned from Mom.
It's easier to give medicine
when you're thinking
about something
else, don't you know?
[POUNDING ON DOOR]

-It worked!

We're saved!

-At ease.

The ski patrol is on the scene.

-[PANTING] And in record time.

Under one half hour.

-All praise to your leadership.

You're simply the best.

-We're the best, face it.

-We're the best.

-We're the team!

[BOTH BARKING]

-Really?

You only took a half hour?

It didn't seem like it.

I guess I was caught
up in Bobby's story.
-Bobby?

-My brother.

He put my hands in
room-temperature water.
-Did you do this
fine work, young man?
-Uh-huh, and I
didn't panic either.
-He didn't panic in a crisis.

-That is the stuff that
heroes are made of, young man.
May I call you hero, young man?

-Superhero is more like it.

This young man single-handedly
kept this group together
for one half hour
till help arrived.
[CHOKES UP] Hold me.

-Here.

Here's your issue.

-Wow.

Now I know how Captain Squash
feels after a job well done.
[WIND WHISTLES]

-Uh, Bobby?

I'm kind of thirsty.

UNCLE TED: Oh,
what a sales pitch.
This place is great.

Heh.

I just wish I had
the money to buy in.
Oh, well.

I've got souvenirs
for everybody.
Water wowzers!

Are you kids OK?

-Ski patrol said I'd
be fine in about a day.
-Yeah, you know, it
looks worse than it is.
Bobby kind of, you
know, helped us.
-I was a superhero.

-[CHUCKLE] I guess so.

Well, I was gonna
take everybody skiing,
but-- so what do
you want to do now?
-We can watch Captain
Squash videotapes.
Captain Squash on
Treasure Island.
It's a classic.

-That's that last
thing I wanted to do.
Want me to barf?

-Get real.

Let's hit a flick.

--[CHUCKLE] Guess
you're outvoted, Bobbo.
-Yeah.

If brothers and sisters were
nice to you all the time,
life would be pretty boring.

-[STUTTERING] That's all, folks.

[GIGGLE]

-So how do you feel
being a hero, Bobby?
-Well, touch my hand.

I think I still feel
the same, Howie.
-Seriously, don't you feel
just a little different
than you did before
today's show?
-Yeah, I feel a
little different.
I feel looser in the front
and tighter in the back.
-From being a hero?

-No.

From having my
underpants on backwards.
[FLUTE PLAYING]

[GIGGLING]

MARTHA: Bobby Generic, you've
been up here all this in time
and you're still bare?