05x12 - Starring Bobby

[bunniefuu]

-I thought we'd start today's
show with a little joke.
BOBBY: Howie.

Howie.

Where does a 3,000
pound gorilla sit?
-Oh, Bobby.

That's such an old one.

Where does a 3,000
pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere he wants.

Ha.

-He says it's OK.

-Bobby.

-I think we should
start the show now.
[THEME MUSIC]

BOBBY: Mom, can't you
stay home tonight?
-Well, hun, you wouldn't
want your old mom
to miss the annual meeting
and dance of the Hunka Hunka
Elvis fan club, now would you?

-Well, uh, uh-- yes.

Why does she think I asked?

-Oh, now, Bobby.

Now, yeah.

Oh, honey.

-Then, uh, oh, um,
maybe I don't feel good.
HOWARD: Well, um, maybe I
could stay home with Bobby.
MARTHA: Well, Howard,
put a sock in it.
You didn't get all dressed
up as a skinny Elvis
just to stay home.

-Well, Martha, I-- I-- I-- you
know, I feel kind of silly.
-Oh, of course, he didn't.

-Hey, we're in the dress alike
contest as before and after.
And you know, "after me" can't
win without "before him."
Let's get going.

You know, I got to shake,
a rattle, and a roll.
Hey, come on.

Join in.

Yeah.

-Bobby, you'll be fine.

-But, but what about Derek?

He's always picking on me.

-Just wait until
they're gone, dweeb.
Then you're mine.

-Oh, Bobby, there, there now.

Then, yeah, you know, there's
nothing to be afraid of.
Kelly's in charge, not Derek.

HOWARD: Good night, Bobby.

OK, kids.

Be good now.

-My little mansy.

Good night, hun.

We'll see you in the AM.

-Wish us luck.

Ha.

Gotcha.

Noogies.

MARTHA [VOICEOVER]: There's
nothing to be afraid of.
Kelly's in charge, not Derek.

Derek.

CROWD: Derek.

Derek.

Derek.

Derek.

Derek.

Derek.

Derek.

Derek.

Derek.

Derek.

Derek.

Derek.

Derek.

MAN: Make way for Derek,
the ruler in charge.
-Hey.

-Excuse me.

[COLLECTIVE GASP]

-Who said, "excuse me"?

[GULP]

-Uh, me.

But, but he-- he-- he
shoved me into her.
-You're supposed to shove.

It's the law.

-Shoving somebody is the law?

I thought shoving
somebody was bad.
-No.

According to Derek,
the ruler in charge,
the worse crime in the world is
touching somebody else's stuff.
-Uh.

What about-- what about K-Kelly.

I thought she was in charge.

-Where have you been, lad?

Derek overthrew Kelly as
soon as their mom and dad
left the house.

Now, he's in charge
of everything.
-Ah!

-Bobby, I have got to put
the twins totally to bed.
OK.

Go in the den and
watch TV with Derek.
-The den, with Derek.

-Sit here, Bobby.

I promise I'll be nice.

-When a big brother promises
to be nice and smiles,
it can only mean
one thing, trouble.
-Gee.

Thanks, Derek.

But uh-- I'm going
to play in my room.
There.

That'll keep Derek out.

Now, what can I play, Roger?

Hm.

Let's see.

No.

No.

That one takes two people.

Soldier guys.

Maybe.

Wait a minute.

That's it.

My Captain Squash
handheld video game.
I haven't played Captain
Squash versus the Ice King
in a long time, Roger.

-Help me, Bobby.

I've got to defeat
these Ice Centurions
to get to Level Three.

BOBBY: Sure, Captain Squash.

There's too many bad
guys, Captain Squash.
-Nonsense, Bobby.

There's never too many bad
guys for a superhero to battle.
Of course, I could be wrong.

-Take the caped zucchini and
the warm-blooded intruder
and throw them to the ice-maker.

-I am not sure what lies
behind the door, Bobby.
-That's OK, Captain Squash.

Roger will get them.

-Bobby, Roger
isn't in this game.
-He isn't.

Yikes.

[BARKING]

-It's-- it's fun
to play scary stuff
until you're really scared.

[GROWLING]

Run for your life.

There's a monster in my closet.

Ah!

Ah!

-Ugh.

Like, get a grip, Bobby.

-Where's the fire, dweeb?

Or are you scared of something?

-The secret to getting along
with your brothers and sisters
is never tell me something
they can use against you.
BOTH: Well, what
is your problem?
-Uh.

I ran in the room
because-- um, because,
because I had a great idea.

Yeah.

Let's rent a movie.

-Cool idea.

-No duh.

BOBBY: Look.

I can't talk now, Tiff.

I've got to go rent a movie.

-Sometimes, I even
surprise myself.
-Yeah.

Hey, OK.

Like, is this the
Snack and Stare?
OK.

Way cool.

We want a large
pizza and comedy.
-Get a cartoon movie.

-Get out, dweeb.

Kelly, give me the phone.

I want an action movie.

-Touch this phone,
and I will tell Mom.
-I have an idea.

BOTH: What?

-Let's rent three
movies, one each.
-Uh, cool one, Bobby.

-Score one for the dorfmeister.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

BOBBY: I'll get it.

-Watch it, dorkster.

-I am in charge here.

-Hello, I'm video
expert Meeker, and this
is pizza chef
extraordinaire Snerd.
-And together, we are Snack--

---and Stare.

Here's your visual vittle.

-Yummers.

And your paunch pleasers.

MEEKER: Enjoy the
evening of snacking--
---and staring.

Delivering video tapes
with pizza, you, my friend,
are a genius.

-It was your idea.

I'm just a friend of a genius.

[LAUGHING]

-Why, you friend
of a genius you.
-Start the movie, Bobby.

-Here we go.

-The TV--

---is broken.

-Oh no.

If the TV is broken, I'm going
to have to go back to my room,
where, where there's a monster
waiting for me in the closet.
-What did you do, Bobby?

-I-- I didn't do anything.

-Well, I guess I'll just keep
an eye on the twins in my room
while I talk to Tiffany
and Andrea on the phone.
-I'm going out to the garage
to work on my skateboard.
-What-- what am
I supposed to do?
-Why don't you get lost, shrimp?

-Kelly.

-Bobby, OK, try getting
an original thought.
Go in your room and play.

-There's no way I'm
going into my room.
Wait.

What if, uh-- what if I
tell you guys a movie?
-Wait a second, you're
going to tell us a movie?
No way.

-What?

I bet he can.

-Bet he can't.

-I bet he can.

-Bet he can't.

-He can.
-Bet he can't.
No way.

-There's nothing
better than starting
a fight between your
brother and sister.
-OK, Kell.

You're on.

Loser does the dishes.

-What kind of movie
should I tell first?
-Mine.

I like comedies.

-OK.

OK.

Um, I know.

Here is one Kelly
will really like.
It starts on a stormy night.

What am I going to do?

Tomorrow, my creation
is to be a bride.
You will get married to George.

KELLY: Wait.

Wait.

Ugh.

Like, what movie is this
supposed to be, Bobby?
-I call it "Father of the
Bride of Frankenstein."
-Told you he couldn't do it.

-OK.

Wait.

Wait, Bobby.

OK, like, try again.

OK.

Tell one of those, you know,
funny police movie things.
-Funny police movie things?

-You know.

Like the one those guys who
did "Airplane" and "Top Secret"
did.

The Zucker brothers.

-Oh yeah.

I like those guys.

They do those naked movies.

-Ugh.

"Naked g*n" movies, lame brain.

-OK.

OK.

I'll call this one
"The Smell of Spies."
Uh, "Naked Spies."

-OK.

Now you're talking.

-It starts with a car chase.

-This is Lieutenant Bobby
Dribble of Police Squat.
Pull over.

You're under arrest.

You were driving too
close to the center line.
-Are you some kind of nut?

I'm the guy who paints the
center line on the highway.
-Save your story for the judge.

BOBBY [VOICEOVER]: So
Lieutenant Dribble hurried back
to Police Squat headquarters
to get his next assignment.
[TIRES SCREECHING]

UNCLE TED:
Lieutenant, over here.
-What's up, Captain
Uncle Ted Hacker?
-Need you on a case, Dribble.

We just got a tip that some
nutsy foreign spies want
to kidnap the Queen of
England at the Academy Awards.
-What's that?

-The Academy Awards,
you know, the show
that gives awards to movies.

She's presenting the statuette
for best crash in a movie.
-I really like
crashes in movies.
So Lieutenant Dribble and
his partner, Captain Hacker,
left Police Squat
headquarters in a hurry.
-I'm going to report a
bank robbery in progress.
I'm going to report a
bank robbery in progress.
-You know what bugs me, Captain.

Police Squat has
to do everything.
Citizens never help
the police stop crime.
BOBBY [VOICEOVER]: Lieutenant
Dribble and Captain Hacker
had to get across the city
to the Academy Awards fast.
[MOO]

-Do you see the Queen
anywhere, Dribble?
Dribble?

-What are you doing here, Jane?

-I need to speak to you.

-Dribble, this is no time
to talk to your girlfriend.
-Dribble, I hope you're not
still mad at me for leaving you
to become an opera-singing
major league baseball umpire.
[SINGING] You're out!

-Not at all.

Jane, it just occurred to me,
women should have the freedom
to make their own
career choices.
-You make me so happy, Dribble.

I want to kiss you.

-Yuck.

I'm going to skip
the mushy part.
I'm only five.

-Where are you going, dweeb?

-I have to go to the bathroom.

Wait there.

I'll be right back.

Now, where was I?

Oh yeah, I was telling you
my movie, "The Smell of Naked
Spies."

Lieutenant Dribble
had to stop the Queen
from being kidnapped
by a nutsy foreign spy.
-Dribble, there's the Queen.

She's on stage.

-Cheerio, and now for the
nominees for best crash
in a movie.

The first nominee is, like,
um, let's see, oh yeah,
"Beverly Hillbillies Cop III."

-Woo, doggies.

He's turning.

Don't let him get away.

-Looks like we done found
more bubbling crude, mister.
-The second nominee is
"The Fugitive Piano."
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

-May I have the envelope please?

-Excuse me, dork.

-Hacker, the accountant.

He's the kidnapper.

-You saved me.

-But the bad guy got away.

UNCLE TED: No, he didn't.

He tried to get away.

But this ghost helped
me capture him.
-OK.

What's with the ghost?

A ghost doesn't belong in
a Zucker brothers movie.
-Does to.

It's from a movie done by
one of the Zucker brothers.
-Well, gee, Bobby,
that was great.
Really.

But now it's time for bed.

-Oh no.

Well, wait, wait.

I haven't done an
action movie yet.
-He's right, Kelly.

He only did your
movie, not mine.
-I think that you
are just trying
to get out of doing the dishes.

-Shows what you know.

There are no dishes.

We had pizza.

This better be good, dweeb.

-The movie opens way, way,
way, way, way in the future.
There are all these
really big robot guys.
Lots of robot guys are blasted
away by Captain Squash.
Take that and that,
you buckets of bolts.
-The humans are cheating.

They have help from
Captain Squash.
-Yeah.

I have a gee-golly
plan to send one of us
back into the past to capture
the little boy who has brought
Captain Squash to help the
humans, don't you know.
-OK.

Like, who should go?

-We will send our
newest, strongest
warrior, The Tedinator.

[BURP]

-Oops.

Beg pardon.

-You look like a robot.

They'll see him
coming a mile away.
-Time is short.

We will disguise the
Tedinator as a human now.
There yeah.

-Hey, I'm the new
kindergarten teacher.
Where did the old
teacher leave off?
-Well, we were
listening to music
from a great
composer, Beethoven.
-I don't like dogs.

Give me a minute to
change, and I'll come back
to portray another
famous composer.
I'll be Bach.

KELLY: Hold it.

Hold it.

Hold it.

Hold it.

There's no time to
finish this movie.
It is time for
Bobby to go to bed.
-Look, dweeb.

I want to hear the
ending tomorrow.
And it better be
exciting or I'm going
to tickle you until you hurl.

-And big brothers wonder
why little brothers
are nervous around them.

-OK.

Come on, Bobby.

It's bed time.

Go to your room.

[GULP]

-But Kelly, there's--
there's-- there's a monster
waiting in my closet.

-OK.

Bobby, now quit stalling,
or I'm going to tell Mom.
-OK.

Roger, what would Bobby
Dribble or the Tedinator
do if they had a
monster in their closet?
You guys, Captain Squash,
what are you doing here?
-Since it's your
imagination that got you
into this fix, Bobby,
I thought maybe
we could help get you out.

-He's right, Bobby.

Do what I do and face the fear.

Then, step on it.

-Easy for him to say.

-It can be that
easy for you too.
You see, Bobby, just
as your imagination
can create good guys like
us, it can create bad guys,
like a monster in your closet.

-So the monster's
not really there?
ALL: Right.

-It was just my imagination.

Phew.

Yikes.

Oh no, Roger.

Maybe it's a real monster.

Ahh!

Derek?

It's worse than a monster.

It's Derek.

You're not going to
tickle me, are you?
-Nope.

I want you to finish
telling me "The Kindergarten
Terminator" movie.

-You really like my story?

-Nah.

Not that much.

I came here because
I'm bored, not
because I heard a
noise in my closet.
Got that.

-Maybe big brothers
aren't so bad after all.
Specially, if they think they
got monsters in their closet.
Derek, my boy, let
me tell you what
I do when I hear a
noise in my closet.
-Well, that's the
end of our show.
-No.

It's not.

-What do you mean no it's not?

-Well, if it was
the end of the show
we wouldn't be here anymore.

And we're still here.

-But it is the end of the show.

-No.

It's not.

-Well, Mr. Smarty pants,
when's the show going to end?
-That's hard to say.

You see-- now.

[THEME MUSIC]