07x20 - Cold Feet, Hot Brobblers

[bunniefuu]

What excuse do you give Lou
every time we sneak into town

to go to the
Armadilla Sarsaparilla Shop?

I just tell her
we're supervising

Winnie's court-appointed
community service.

She buys it every time.

Community service?

Please. Like I'd ever let them
catch me alive.

Three of your
best sarsaparillas, Ernie.
Or your worst.

The expired ones
have a nice tang, too.

Well, howdy.

Howdy.

I don't know who this guy is,
but I like him.

He has a way with words.

I'm Ryder McCoy,
the new owner.

Just bought this place
from Ernie for a song.

Obviously,
I didn't actually sing.

But if I did, ooh boy,
do I have a sweet falsetto.

A witty, self-assured cowboy?

This guy checks
all my hero boxes.

Ryder McCoy?

Aren't you
The Marshal's nephew...

"The nephew"?

Yeah, I just moved back
to Dusty Tush

after graduating
business school

at the University
of Twin Cheeks.

Now that I'm saying it
out loud,

it makes sense the diploma
had a crease down the middle.

Well, if you need any help
getting more customers,

I'm actually
the Armadillo mascot, Sassy,
from the grand opening.

Should a crisis ever arise,

I will don the costume
once again.

You were a talking armadillo,

not Batman.

I've actually read
about you.

The Dusty Tush Times said,

"Noah Lambert as
the mascot is better than
an actual armadillo.

"Almost."

Well, anyway,
welcome back to town.

We're regulars here,
and we always sit
on these stools.

Yep, you'll be seeing
a lot of us.

I love this stuff.
So if you ever see an
empty bottle in front of me,

you better get me a refill
or else...

[chuckles]

Not a joke, sport.

We're gonna be spending
a lot of money here.

[all] ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

It's awesome you came
to help with the music
for our wedding, Bijan .

I'm psyched.

-The kid I used to babysit
is gonna deejay our reception.
-Totally.

The coach is pretty mad
that I'm not gonna be
at training camp.

But, hey,
what's more important,

my career or my third favorite
babysitter's wedding?

I don't know
how to answer that.

[cell phone chimes]

Hello? Coach.
I told you
I'll be back next week.

Yes. I'll get the chocolates
from the airport.

Whoa! Was that
NFL Running back,
Bijan Robinson?

I wonder if he's here
for our airport chocolates.

-What's wrong?
-Well, I'm just going over

the list of three
destinations Victoria likes
for our honeymoon.

She asked me to choose one,
but I can't decide.

I can help you pick.
I'm a very picky person.

I struggle
to make any decision.

Wait. This isn't helpful.

This is the first thing
we'll do as a married couple.

It'll set the tone
for our whole life together.

It has to be perfect.

This feels a little heavy
for a 13-year-old at camp,

but I'm with you, buddy.

Hey, Destiny.
How's it coming
with the gum wads?

Are they all
coming off okay?

I'm trying,
but they're stubborn.

Ew! This one
has a tooth in it.

Don't scrape it all off.
Some of that's
load-bearing gum.

Here, I'll show you.

Mom, this is terrible.
I'm running out of time.

I just feel like
I'm leading him on.

And now I have
to actively avoid him?

It's clear Parker and I
just want different things.

I have to tell him
it isn't gonna work.

Fine. Put the dog on.

I can't believe it.
She's basically leaving
Parker at the altar.

I think they opted
for a wedding trellis,
but your point still stands.

Come on.

Fifi, please.
This isn't about you.

[dog barking over phone]

Okay. We can stand now.

Parker is going
to be destroyed.

I know it's gonna be
such a mess.

He's an ugly crier.
Have you noticed?

We just need
to remind Victoria
how much she loves Parker

and how compatible they are.

Yes.

Was she just about
to get advice from her dog?

Whoa! This place
sure is packed.

So packed,
no one will notice
if we swipe stuff.

You knew who I was
when you brought me here.

Howdy. Can you
all believe all this hubbub
is because of the brobbler?

So we're gonna need
more than that.

I added a new
brownie cobbler dessert
to the menu.

The Brobbler.

And that's trademarked,
so no one can steal it.

I think you're safe.

I guess word spreads fast.

Half these people
aren't even from here.

You can tell
because they keep calling
their pets their kids.

That's great,
but there's people
on our stools.

They better get lost
or I'm gonna earn
my community service.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

How about a brobbler
on the house?

No, thanks.
We'll just take our usual.

Ooh, sorry.
But I'm all out
of sarsaparilla.

-[both yelling] What?
-It's okay.
We'll just take water.

Ew!

How could you not have
our sarsaparilla?

It's called The Armadilla
Sarsaparilla Shop.

Not anymore.

Now it's
The Brobbler Gobbler Shop.

Even got a new mascot.

But this place
already has a mascot. Me!

Uh...

[gasps] Gasp!

Sorry I didn't
offer you the role,

but it's my friend
Larry's costume,

and he won't let
anyone else wear it.

He said something
about not knowing
where he ends

and the turkey begins.

Well, nice to see you all.

But being the mascot
was the biggest gig
I ever landed in this town.

People still asked me
for my autograph.

That was
a credit card receipt.

I still signed it.

"Stay sassy."

We need to get
our shop back.

Oh, we're getting it back.

At least put some waddle
in your step.

You bring shame
to your craft, Larry!

I still can't believe
we're using
your virtual reality stuff

to visit each location
on Victoria's honeymoon list.

Once you see
these three places,

it'll be easy to decide
which is perfect.

And I can't wait
to solve another problem

with an expensive,
overblown solution.
Let's do this!

[Caribbean music playing]

Whoa!
This is amazing.

It kind of reminds me
of all my family's trips
to Jamaica.

I assume.

They never took me.

Go ahead.
Look around.

Re-parent yourself.

You can actually
feel things in here?

The suits create
those sensations

so the VR feels
as real as possible.

Ow!

-Now I'm glad I didn't go
with my family to Jamaica.
-Are you?

No. They got shaved ice.

So, what do you think?

Well, it's nice,
but it feels like
it's missing something.

I think I'm gonna pass
on a beach honeymoon.

But while we're here,
let's go for a VR swim.

[VR device beeps]

Jake, did you download
a shark?

Of course.

I wouldn't deprive you
of the whole
virtual experience.

It feels like
it's about to deprive me
of my whole virtual leg!

[screaming]

Do I deliver or what?

[yelping]

-[both] Surprise!
-It's your bridal shower.

You moved my bridal shower
up a week?

-Yeah, that's the...
-[both] Surprise!

Yay!

And it'll be a surprise
to my friends and family

when they find out
they missed it.

We just couldn't wait
to have this party

and celebrate how perfect
you and Parker are
for each other

and how this wedding
is definitely,
for-sure happening.

Fish cake?

-Hey. Is that the happy bride?
-[chuckles softly]

If not,

you need a different hat.

Hey, Bijan.
I thought you were
helping Parker come up

with your set list
for our big day.

Yeah. I guess he's busy doing
honeymoon stuff right now.

But you know I love anything
involving weddings,

especially catching
the bouquet.

I like to spike it!

Everyone, we have
an amazing activity
to kick things off.

A trivia game.

Victoria, we had Parker
record himself
answering questions last week,

and we're going to ask you
the same ones
to see if they match up.

And to think
I almost missed this
because of my NFL career.

Okay, question number one.

What is Parker's favorite
potato chip flavor?

Oh, that's easy.
He loves barbecue.

Let's see what
your hubby-to-be said.

Come on, barbecue.

My favorite chip?

Sour cream and onion,
cheddar and sour cream,

or maybe jalapeno.

Pretty much anything
but barbecue.

I despise barbecue.

Wow. [chuckles softly]
I was way off.

How did I get that so wrong?

Okay, next question.

What is Parker's middle name?

Patrick.

You know your man.
Roll the tape.

Oh, my middle name?
It's a good story.

So it's supposed
to be Patrick.

But when my twin sister
and I were born,
there was a bit of a mix up.

So my legal middle name
is Penelope,
[snickers]

the barbecue chip
of middle names.

Okay, this game's over.

Weird. He's never told me
that story,

but, I mean, in the long run,
it doesn't matter.

Is that ham?
Come on, Bijan.

Did you hear
what she just said?

"In the long run,
it doesn't matter."

She's gonna kick
Parker "Penelope" Preston

right to the curb.

Winnie, this plan better work.

I've been collecting
these gross,
hairy worms all summer.

When Ryder's not looking,
we let them loose

and the out-of-towners
go running.

Why do you collect worms?

Because Lou took my snakes.

On three. One, two...

-Howdy.
-Three-dle leedle,

which is "Nice to see you"
in Portland...

Ese?

Would you look at that.

Butterflies.

Um, Winnie,

those worms
you were collecting

wouldn't have happened
to have been caterpillars
once, would they?

There's a solid chance.

You put on this show for me?

Sure know how to make
a cowboy feel right at home.

Threedle leedle.

I can't believe this guy.

I know.

He's a cowboy,

and he's fluent
in Portland-ese.

Is there anything
he can't do?

So this Italian town
is another one of Victoria's
honeymoon locations?

It is.
She loves me in capris.

[chuckles] Apparently,
I've got the ankles
of a Thoroughbred.

You know, it's charming,
but I'm not sure
what we do here.

Gotcha.

-I'll put the sharks back in.
-No more sharks.

Let's just walk around
and explore.

Why walk when we can...

-[claps]
-[VR device beeps]

Canoe around town?

Oops. I had that loaded
and ready to go

in case you wanted
to flood Italy
and do the shark thing.

-[claps]
-[beeps]

A bike?

Wow. I haven't ridden
one of these
since I taught Bijan.

[chuckles softly]

Okay, fine. He taught me!

[bell chiming]

Whoa. It's a little tricky
on the cobblestone.

-Look out for that...
-[crashes]

[Parker groans] Gelato cart.

Hey, you kind of got
your shaved ice.

Victoria, prepare
for enlightenment
and guidance

into your happy future.

Cool! [chuckles softly]

What is happening?

Whatever it is...

I am in.

Destiny will read
Victoria's future

using fortune telling cards.
[chuckles softly]

She claims to know
how to do this.

Victoria, ask anything
and the cards will answer.

Okay, uh, let's see.

Will I be rich?

[gasps]

No.

And the reason is...

There's a
"Deadbeat husband" card?

Yikes!

We do not have to read
the cards aloud.

Let's take the next one.

The "Mr. Wrong" card?
Come on!

This one's just
a woman with red hair crying.

I have to get back
to my hoagie.

The meat expires
in ten minutes.

Well, great.
The cards just made
everything worse.

Bijan, you want me
to read you next?

Not with that deck.

Okay, I have an idea
because clearly
Winnie's didn't work.

Your evil plan hatches
into beautiful butterflies
one time,

and all of a sudden
you're not trusted for mayhem.

All right. Showtime.

You think this will work?

No. And I hope it doesn't.

You know
I'm not on your side, right?

Hark!

What hath poisoned me
to make my tummy
bubbleth over?

'Tis the brobbler.
The brobbler has undone me.

Holy cow pie.
He seems really sick.

You have no idea.

A toilet, a toilet.

My kingdom for a toilet.

But Noah never even
ate a brobbler.
I don't understand.

Oh! He must be doing
an improvised performance
for us.

What a nice guy.

A plague
on both your outhouses.

[groaning]

Noah Lambert, everybody.

Let's give him
a big ol' Dusty Tush

-threedle leedle!
-[all clapping]

Y'all are too much.
Stop it.

Or don't. Actually,
just keep it coming.

You in the back.
Are your hands broken?

[dramatic music playing]

Jake, where are you?

[Jake's voice echoing]
I am everywhere!

-[VR device beeps]
-[yelps]

Just kidding.
I'm right here.

So Victoria's third
honeymoon option is Iceland?

Yeah, but I'm not sure
it's best for it.

If a Canadian is cold,
you don't want to be there.

Can I interest you
in a shark?

Anything but sharks!

Great!
Angry Yeti coming right up!

[creature growling]

I should have asked
for hot chocolate!

We gotta get out of here.
It's gonna eat us alive!

[voice echoing]
What do you mean, "us"?

I am nowhere!

[laughs maniacally]

Jake, fix this!

[VR beeps]

That's not what I meant.

[creature growling]

Okay, we've set up the station
as an exciting preview

of what your life will be like
when you're married to Parker

because you're
definitely marrying him.

That's not in doubt at all,
and we're in no way
trying to convince you.

Lou, can you jump in here?
I'm blacking out.
[breathing heavily]

You guys sure you haven't
hosted a shower before

because I never
would have known?

Oh! Tracksuits, syrup,

assorted bling.

What's up with
the astronaut stuff?

[mimicking static]
So happy you asked.
[mimicking static]

Parker's sister owns
an actual space station,

and she's hosting
a space-giving this year.

Her freeze dried eggnog
is the b*mb.

Sure is.

Priscilla's eggs to nog ratio
is [kisses]

sublime.

Go on, give it a try.

-[tooth cracking]
-Ow!

[mimicking static] Oh, no.
Houston, do we have a problem?

It was so hard
I chipped my tooth.
Is it bad?

-No. It's fine.
-Yikes! It's so bad.

Winnie, I hope you're happy.

Switching out the brobbler mix
seems to have got rid
of everybody.

I can't believe it.

A Winnie Weber plan
worked perfectly,

and nobody has to give
a deposition tomorrow.

There's still time.

[sighing sadly] Hello.

No "Howdy"?

You broke him.

It looks like
all my new customers
fled to the hills

when I served up
my last batch of brobbler.

Somehow it got replaced
with this.

I don't even know
what to call it.

Mound of brown.

Just spitballing.

It's a shame.

I had a bunch of investors.

I was gonna use that money
to make improvements
all over town.

I guess
that's not gonna happen now.

[sighs wearily]

Larry's gonna
take this hard.

All Ryder wanted to do
was make this town better.

-We made a huge mistake.
-Yeah.

We didn't put our order in
before he left.

Not the time. I get it.

Hey, I was just
in a VR simulation with Jake,

and he is so knowledgeable
about everything.

We really shouldn't
underestimate him.

And now he's eating soup
with a fork.

Uh, Parker, I really need
to talk to you.

You might wanna
sit down for this.

So here's the thing...

Victoria! Don't call off
the wedding.

I mean, you can if you want.

You have agency,
and you are your own woman.

But we really
don't want you to.

Excuse me.
Can we just go back
to the part about

[yelling] "calling off
the wedding"?

Parker, please stay
out of this.

We are cleaning up
your mess.

I'm sure those fortunes
were bogus.

We all know
Parker isn't a deadbeat.

Well, who said
I was a deadbeat?

Just because my parents
put it on my birthday cake
does not mean it's true!

Okay. Can I step in here
for a minute?

No! Because I haven't done
my speech yet.

Your life is going to be
amazing with Parker.

Granted he's
an over confident,
trust-fund baby,

but who doesn't love
a fixer upper?

Victoria, are you calling off
the wedding?

-Of course not.
-[gasps] We did it!
We changed your mind!

We're the best!

Guys, I'm in love with Parker.

I was never calling it off.

But we overheard
your phone call with your mom

while we were hiding
under a table.

You said,
"This isn't going to work,

"and I'm actively
avoiding him."

Okay, I see.

First off,

y'all are creepy.

Second, I was telling my mom

that I don't want
Bijan Robinson
deejaying our wedding.

-Oh.
-Why not?

He's so nice.

I just really had
my heart set on a live band.

Also Bijan needs
to get back to training camp.

He's the centerpiece
of my grandma's fantasy team.

Fine by me.

Right now, I'm just happy
you're not leaving me
at the altar.

I think you mean
wedding trellis.

Wait. Why did you
kind of whistle
when you said that?

Whoa! What happened
to your tooth?

I mean, I love you
with all my heart.

What's going on?

Where did all these
new customers come from?

Here's your brobbler, ma'am.
Enjoy.

And here's your bill.

I already added a $20 tip.

Come back soon.

I can't believe it.
Did you guys do all this?

We made a new batch
of brobblers

and asked all the counselors
at camp to go around town
handing out samples.

Word spread fast
that the original recipe
was back.

There's a lot of
unsupervised campers today.

But that's how we do.

Well, I'll be!
Larry, are you in on this too?

[scoffs] Please!

Larry doesn't have
these moves.

We talked,
and I made him understand

that he exists beyond
the costume.

Plus, I took it
when he wasn't looking.

Folks, thank you kindly.

But I don't understand.
Why did you do this for me?

Because we were the ones
who ruined things
in the first place.

We wanted our shop back,
and we didn't care how.

So we sabotaged your business.
We're sorry.

Well...

Thank you for coming clean.

And you bet
I accept your apology.

-Thanks.
-Aw.

I never did anything wrong.
Not apologizing.

-I can't believe the dentist
fixed your tooth so fast.
-He didn't.

I found a spare one
attached to some gum
under a table.

So with all this,
we're gonna be able
to experience

what our honeymoon
will be like?

Yeah, but don't get
your hopes up.

I'm not sure
that any of the choices
are perfect.

But no matter where we go,

I will be wearing capris.

Prepare yourself!

Wow! Italy looks different
than I thought.

[creature growling]

Is that a yeti
making espresso?

There must be a problem.

These are all
your options, but merged
into one insane location.

Jake, can you pull up
the beach simulation?

Jake, if you're
loading sharks,
so help me!

Well, while we wait,

why don't we have some
wintertime-summertime fun?

Choose your noodle.

[both yelling]

[both grunting and laughing]

Oh, no. My tooth.

Oh, no. Again?
I'm so sorry.

-[yelling] Ha!
-[groaning]

I win!

Your love for me
will be your downfall!

You know what?

We don't need to see
the other simulations anymore.

Really?
I thought you wanted
to show me

why those places
were perfect
for our honeymoon.

I did.
But now I realize

anywhere will be perfect
as long as I'm there
with you.

Aw. I feel the same way.

[Jake's voice echoing] Yes!

Wait.

Jake, did you do all this
on purpose?

Did you put us
in this insane mash up
so that we'd realize

it doesn't matter where we are
as long as we're together?

[voice echoing] Maybe.

[water splashing]

[voice echoing] Oh, man!
I dropped my tablet
in the toilet.

[toilet flushing]

-[VR screeching]
-[voice echoing] Nope.
That was a mistake.

So, Bijan.

Victoria and I
have some difficult news.

I have difficult news, too.

The coach said
I've get me back to Atlanta.

So I can't deejay
at your wedding.

[sighs]

Okay. Now you go.

-No! That's okay.
-I can't remember
what we were gonna say.

Howdy, guys.
I'm so glad y'all came back.

I would never want
to run my regulars off.

Plus, you scare me a bit,
and I sleep better
knowing where you are.

I get that a lot.

Look, I know
the shop is changing,

but I just want y'all to know
you'll always have
a place here 'cause...

This is yours.

Our very own reserved section.

Thank you, Ryder.
We don't deserve this.

They really don't.

I'll go grab
your sarsaparilla.

Hey, I thought y'all were
at Winnie's community service.

Lou, we've come
a long way today
and learned a lot,

so I'm not gonna lie to you.

She got let out early.

-Howdy.
-Howdy.

I don't know
who that guy is,
but I like him.

He has a way with words,
doesn't he?

[♪ theme music playing]