07x17 - And the Kiki Goes To...

[bunniefuu]

Welcome everyone
to our very first
Kiki Awards.

I am so excited
to announce our winners.

And I am dressed normally
for a summer camp
awards show.

Tonight is all about you,

the campers, the very fabric
of this institution.

And not at all about me
needing an excuse

to wear this magnificent gown
after my cousin called off
her wedding.

Our regrets to Stacy.

As you know you were all
asked to vote

for your favorite camper
or counselor

in a variety of categories.

Yeah, I noticed
there was no category

for best experimental
trombone player.

Hurtful.

And now, for our first award,

the Kiki
for biggest daredevil.

-Is that something
we should reward?
-Hush, I'm pandering.

And the Kiki goes to...

wild Winnie Webber.

Duh! I'm like the Meryl Streep
of making bad decisions.

-And...
-And?

What do you mean and?

Fearless Frankie Finkle.

It's a tie, folks.

Yeah.

Thanks, Lou. Sorry, again,
for using that telephone wire
as a zip line.

And to all of you

who haven't been able
to call your parents
this week.

I regret nothing.

I demand a recount.

That award is mine.

What's the matter,
Webber?

Worried there's someone else
at this camp

less insurable than you are?

You're both very expensive.
Now, move it along.

Lou, we got, like,
three hundred. awards
to get through.

-Can we speed it up a bit?
-Oh, right. [chuckles]

All right, best leader
goes to,

duh! Me. [chuckles]

And Best Needle Pointer...
[exclaims]

Yeah, me again.

What! I was robbed.

All these calluses
for nothing?

Best Catfish Noodler,

best Amateur Plumber,

Lifetime Achievement award.

Me, me, me guys,
I am blushing.

I cannot accept
all of this.

But, of course, I will.

-Can I read some?
-Are you still here?

And the Kiki
for Most Fun Adult
goes to...

Weird. [chuckles]

"Me" is spelled like "Parker."

I won? All right!

Isn't this great?

[all applauding]

Can someone get an orchestra
and play this guy off?

Well, that was
a rhetorical question.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪

♪ Round and round ♪

Fearless Frankie.

-Wild's Winnie.
-Green grass.

Sorry, I don't know
what we're doing.

There's no way the Kiki
for best daredevil is a tie.

Lou's math must be wrong.

That's why we don't let her
draw the numbers
for hopscotch.

Man. The Kikis were
last night?

I totally forgot about that.

Really? Because it's written
on your arm.

Oh yeah, but I was
wearing a sweater.

So you didn't vote
for anyone?

No, but I definitely
thought about it.

And isn't it the thought
that counts?

[both girls] No!

Wait. If Jake hasn't
bought it yet,

then that means
the Kiki is still up
for grabs.

She's right.

Cast your vote, Jacobs,

and remember who got rid
of that monster
under your bed.

You were that monster.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Jake. Cast your vote
and remember

who never hid
under your bed
to scare you.

Although that does sound
like a good idea.

Ugh, this is too hard.

You're both fierce,
powerful women

that I'm a little afraid of.

I have an idea.

If Jake can't decide,
let's do a daredevil-off.

Yeah, whoever
impresses Jake
the most wins.

Bonus points
if you don't die.

Challenge accepted.

Jake's vote is all mine.

We'll see about that.

Does anyone want
to know

if I had plans today?

Because I don't.
I'm in.

Hey, Noah.
Are you okay?

You're doing that thing
where you pace nervously

until someone asks you
what's wrong.

Yeah. It's about time
you got here.

I'm reading this email
from the acting school
at Juilliard,

and it's kind of
freaking me out.

"We are looking forward
to visiting you

to see if you are
a serious candidate
for our program.

Sincerely, Tish."

Wow, Noah. An audition
for Juilliard?

Congratulations.

Oh. Thank you.

But what does
it mean?

Yes, it is
so straightforward,

why would we take it
at face value?

Is she worried
I'm not a serious actor?

and why are there
zero exclamation points
in this email?

Is she mad at me?

Noah, I'm sure she's coming
to Dusty Tush

because she read
the rave reviews

you got for Dino Camp Diaries.

I wrote those reviews.

Look, if I get into Juilliard,

I'm guaranteed to have
a serious acting career.

I have to rethink
my entire approach.

Just follow your instincts.

Ew, no. What?

For my audition,
I'm going to do what

what real serious
actors do.

I'm going to become
my character.

I'm going method.

What's going method,

and how will it affect me
for the next 24 hours?

It means I'm going to live

as Bernard Seehorn
from the movie Cast Off.

He gets stranded on the island
and confronts a bear

who's the reincarnation
of his late father.

Ah, yes. Going for that
pretentious bear demographic.

Do you want me
to help you run lines?

This is Juilliard.

I need to inhabit
my character

before I even think
about lines.

By the time Tish
gets here,

Noah will be Bernard's
mere skin suit.

Well, if you change your mind,

I did a perfect
bear impression
in my pageant days.

It didn't land
with the judges,

but I am legally married
to a grizzly named Carl, so...

Is it just me or did Lou seem
a little upset

after the Kiki Awards?

How could she be upset
when she won
Best Needlepointer?

You say won. I say stole.

I don't know, Lou seemed
perfectly normal to me.

Beep-beep! The dairy fairy
has arrived.

Come to me,
my beloved campers.

Bask in my fun-ness.

Wow, Lou!

Ice cream for lunch?

Are you trying
to get rid of all
the expired boot again?

No! [chuckles]

Well, yes.

But I'm also doing it
because it's fun
and I'm fun.

What a fun choice
for a fun adult

to be making.

Normal, huh?

Oh, you got my favorite
sundae topping.

Gravy!

Don't look at me
like that.

It's sweet and salty.
What's not to like?

This is all because
Parker won most fun adult,
isn't it?

Of course it is.
Otherwise, I wouldn't
have been voted Most Petty.

Lou, come on.
You are fun.

You don't need
to prove it by serving us
a flavour of ice cream

that I know is just
called "Chunks."

Well, you've given me
a lot to think about.

But right now
it's time for a...

sprinkle drone!

Important question.

What are the chunks?

Okay, everyone,

due to our 300 way tie
for worst aim,

we are officially banned
from open spaces.

So enjoy this enclosed area

where we can only
hurt each other.

Hark!

I never thought
mine eyes would see
another human again.

Um... Noah?

I know not this Noah
of whom you speak.

My name is...

Bernard Seahorn.

I crash landed
on this island
eight days ago.

It was a very
difficult montage.

That's a long beard
for eight days.

The wilderness ages a man.

Um, well, we have a class
to get through, so...

It is a land full
of hardships.

Sometimes it's...

so cold.

I said...

it's so cold.

How... cold is it?

I'm glad you asked.

It's so cold, I once had
to burrow

into a pelican's gullet
to keep warm.

We formed
an inseparable bond
that night.

It was tough to tell
where bird ended

and Bernard began.

This is why we monitor
your letters home
to your parents.

Ah, maybe Bernard

can show us how
to sh**t an arrow.

Bernard needs a tool
with far greater reliability.

Look upon what
I've created.

I have made...

spire!

Sorry. [chuchkles nervously]

My hands are a little slippery
from the Pelican Spit.

I'd say this
is weird, but...

I have a husband
who's a bear.

Wonder where Winnie is.
She said to meet her here too,

and I quote, "Commence
the daredevil-off

and fart all over
Frankie's life."

She probably chickened out.

Everyone knows
I eat farts for breakfast.

Metaphorically.

[Winnie over speaker]
Make room, suckers.

[all applauding]

[all cheering]

And that's how
you base jump off
the highest point in Wyoming.

Remember this moment.

Your grandchildren
will want to hear about it.

That was amazing.

And thanks for the future
conversation starter.

It's always hard to bridge
the generation gap.

You thought you'd win
a daredevil-off with that?

I started base jumping
when I was still in diapers.

The wind
was my changing table.

Now that I think
about it, Winnie.

It would've been cooler
if you had done it
while being a tiny baby.

Fine. Think you can do
something better? Try it.

-Challenge accepted.
-[Winnie exclaims]

That's my catchphrase.

I had it trademarked.

Expect a cease and desist
from my lawyer.

Ooh, this is getting juicy.

Grandpa J is gonna be a hit
at Thanksgiving, 2075.

Oh, no! Book club
is today?

But I didn't finish
Where the Red Fern Grows.

If you haven't finished
the book, you ca...

Got to watch the movie.

Way ahead of you.
Found it online.

I'll just watch the end.

That's how I almost passed


Okay, before we get started.

I know this book
deals with some heavy
subject matter.

I wanna assure you all
we will be handling it

very, very delicately, and...

[air horn blowing]

Sup, nerds!

Let's get this
book club started.

[air horn continues blowing]

[mimicking air horn]

Lou, this is
so inappropriate.

Also, you don't have
to make noises

with your mouth
on top of the horn.

It's redundant and weird.

As a fun person,
I can't help but make

anything and everything fun.

Even a novel where
two dogs die?

Fine. That one's
kind of a bummer.

What's next on the list?

-Marley and Me.
-Yikes.

Who's got two thumbs
and is gonna stop

picking books
about dead pets?

This girl.
[mimicks air horn]

[air horn blowing]

I knew we should have
just done a Where's Waldo?

Bil, why didn't you
warn me?

Hopefully, Marley and Me
has a happier ending.

Really, come on.

My mind is blank.

I am one with nature.

I meditate, therefore,
I am better than everyone.

Quick. I need
a safe place to hide.

Okay, your spiritual energy
is at a ten. I need you
at a three.

Mark and I have no time
for your woo-woo numbers.

Wait, who's Mark?

I'd like you to meet...

Mark Ballberg.

Shape of a sphere,
heart of a friend.

Noah, I think you're getting
carried away.

What was that?

[laughs boisterously]

Good one, Marky Mark!

Oh, what?
What'd he say?

I can't repeat it, but he did
a spot-on impression of you.

He even nailed your angry,
squeaky voice.

Ugh, that is it!
I have had enough.

Yes, that is the one.

Ballberg!

Serious actors don't wander
around camp

talking to basketballs.

I know you won
Most Likely To Take It
One Step Too Far,

but this is ridiculous.

You're right, Destiny.

I can't wander around camp
talking to basketballs.

-I need to focus.
-Thank you.

Which I can only do
by isolating myself,

as Bernard did.

Farewell, child.

I'm off to find
a pelican.

[in a squeaky voice]
No, that is not
what I meant.

Okay, now I'm hearing it.

Come on, Jake,
just vote for me.

I bet Frankie's stunt
is gonna be so lame.

Time to ride
the flaming ramp
of doom

and be forever immortalized
in stunt.

Valhalla!

Oh, it'll be sick.

Watch how
it's done, Weber.

Vroom-vroom!

You're making that noise
with your mouth,

Shh. Winnie, you're destroying
the illusion.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[crowd exclaiming]

[crowd cheering]

Whose got
your vote now, Jakey?

Whoa! She gave me
an endearing nickname,

and it's swaying me.

I think I've decided.

I know where you sleep.

I think I'm firmly undecided.

I guess it's time
to take things up a notch.

Challenge acknowledged.

You sidestepped my trademark.

Clever girl.

Hey, have any
of you guys seen Noah?

Bearded, carries a stick,
friends with a basketball?

Noah, the recruiter's
gonna be here any minute.

You look terrible.

I was up all night
hunting for...

[yawns]

Food.

So you haven't eaten
or slept since yesterday?

Well...

I may have eaten
Mark Ballberg.

How did you eat a basketball

with a heavy heart
and a lot of tears.

Okay, just go in the kitchen
and eat some Chunks.

That'll wake you up.

I'm looking for
a Noah Lambert.

You must be Tish.

Noah is really looking
forward to meeting you.

Then where is he?

Juilliard does not
appreciate t*rd.

Unless you're a nepo baby,

then you can be
as late as you want.

Ah, Noah. meet Tish!

Tish, pleasure to meet...

[snoring]

I don't respond
to low energy performances.

Um, well, did you know

Noah is also
an incredible dancer?

Look. Jazz hands.

Ow, you're heavy.

Why does his breath smell
like a basketball?

-I've seen enough.
-[Noah snoring]

Tish, please.

I have a plane to catch.

Honestly, I should have
just auditioned

Gwyneth Paltrow's step-niece.

This pelican's so warm.

What were you thinking, Noah?

I just wanted
to prove to Juilliard

that I'm a serious actor.

You are a serious actor.

Destiny, my last
onscreen line was,

"Keep that triceratops
out of the time canoe!"

Noah, you're
an incredible performer.

Plus, you're committed
to your roles, eager to learn,

and there's nothing you care
about more than your craft.

You're right,

I have no idea
where my campers are.

Juilliard would be lucky
to have you.

Thanks, Destiny,
but it's too late.

Tish's just probably boarding
the plane as we speak.

I think we've got time
to stop her.

There's only one shuttle
to the airport,

and it's two donkeys
pulling an old bathtub.

Finally, this town
works for us.

So, what stunt
do you have in store
to impress the Jakester?

I's not as fun
when I nickname myself.

Voila!

I'm gonna sh**t myself
out of this cannon
and into the lake.

Then you'll realize
I deserve "Best Daredevil."

Copycat!

First you steal my trophy,
then you steal my cannon guy?

I guess we'll just have to see
who can sh**t themselves
the farthest.

Fine, but FYI,
if you can't find me,

I'm in the Pacific and I won!

I should probably stop this.

Jake's voting for me.

No. Jake's voting for me.

Or I could see where it goes.

I'm so much
more daring than you.

I wrestled the barracuda
in the middle of a tsunami.

Now he's my pet,
and I love him very much!

Oh, yeah?

I once gave
a crocodile a root canal!

His tooth was fine.
I did it for fun!

Ladies, please.

You're both
awesome daredevils.

There will be
plenty of time to fight

after you blast yourselves
into the sky.

Now, chop-chop! Entertain me!

Wait a minute.

He's right.

We are both
awesome daredevils.

So, why are we arguing
over some guy's opinion
that doesn't even matter?

Ouch.

Yeah, you're right.

I didn't wanna admit it,
but your base jump was iconic.

And your bike stunt
was awesome!

I know I was hating,
but those "vroom-vrooms"
were so cool.

I know, right?
I was so in the moment,
it just came out of me!

[both] Let's share the Kiki!

I'm so glad I didn't
cut your brake lines.

What?

-Oh, let's clean all this up
before Lou sees!
-Yeah.

Ooh! Human cannons!
Funsies.

Funsies?
There's giant cannons
on the lawn.

We need to get rid of them
before we're charged
with crimesies.

Wow, sounds like
I'm the fun one.

Last one to the cannon
doesn't deserve their award.

Is Lou doing this
because I won "Most Fun"?

Welcome to the party.

I need to talk to Lou.
She might be
taking this too far.

Who's ready to have some fun?

She's definitely
taking this too far.

Grip it and rip it, Jake!

Oh, no, no, no!

[Lou] I regret this!

And I'm really enjoying

being a part
of the democratic process.

I don't see Tish anywhere!

Oh, she must already
be at the gate.
I've got to stop her.

One ticket anywhere, please.

[disinterested tone]
Thank you for choosing
Dusty Tush Airlines,

now featuring seats
inside the plane.

Really? Two summers of flying
back and forth to Tallahassee,

and now you decide to do this?

That's fine.
Just please hurry.

There's one to ticket left

and it's $1,200.

Why is it so expensive?

The plane's emergency exits
are beaded curtains!

Those are ethically sourced.

Now, pay up or move along.

You still have time
to catch the donkey tub.

Please. I need
to get to security

to see someone
before they leave
my life forever!

If I don't say my piece
before she goes home,

I may never have another
shot at the future
that I could have had.

For the last couple of days,

I tried to be someone I'm not.

I wore a mask,
I ignored responsibilities,

I befriended
an inanimate object.

Then he ate it.

And for what?

To lose the one thing
that matters most to me.

I want to be a man
who follows his passions.

If you have a heart,

please help me
become that man.

Aww.

I would love nothing more...

[inhales] for $1,200.

How can you stand there
in your cheap vest

behind your ivory counter
and play God with my future?

Wow, this is so powerful.

Tish, you're still here?

Barely. This monologue
is giving me

an out-of-body experience.

Tish? I thought you...

And scene, ha!

Wonderful audition, Noah.

And not just how you
consistently behave in public.

An audition?

Oh, yes,
that's what I was doing!

An audition for Tish,

who we fully expected
to witness it!

And a big thank you
to my scene partner.

Please step out of line.

This has been a lot.

You're a true talent, Noah.

And you know, I mean that,
because your parents
aren't famous.

You're right,
they're nobodies!

I'll be discussing
this audition

very favorably
with the admissions board.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go buy
a bus ticket.

I saw them winding
the plane's propellers

with rubber bands.

Hold the tub!

You did it.
See, I told you,

you didn't need
to go method after all.

Yeah. I really wish
I would've learned that

before I ate a basketball.

Yeah.

[sniffing] Oh, your breath
really smells like Mark.

How awesome
did my stunt look?

If awesome means
hitting every tree

between here and the lake,
then very.

Might've also
swallowed a hawk.

Lou, it's just a silly award.
Why do you care so much?

Because if I'm not fun

then I can't be
a great camp owner.

That's what camp's all about.

But again, you are fun.

Who else kicked off the summer
in a self-driving car?

Luxury Jeep, but go on.

And put on Christmas in July?

Spent days dressed
as a starfish.

I did do that.

Unfortunate how it coincided
with my high school reunion.

You make this the best place

to spend summer
in the whole world.

Kiki or not,
you're the epitome of fun.

Thanks, guys. You're right.

I don't need an award
to prove anything.

In that case, fork over
the Needlepoint Kiki
to its rightful owner.

Oh, you think
you're better than me? Mmm.

Well, I guess this calls
for a Needlepoint-Off.

Challenge accepted!

Bill...

you'll be hearing
from my lawyer.

[♪ theme music playing]