07x12 - Friends in Snow Places

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys!
I've got some great news.

Is it that you're gonna
stop servin' us platypus-pops?

Yeah, sure,
that sounds like me.

No, I just bought
a new ski chalet
in the Teton Mountains.

And by "bought," I mean,
"won in a card game."

Kind of a big deal
on the Go Fish circuit.

Wait, you're Got-Any-Twos Lou?

Sure am.

That's why I now own
a property in a place
called "Avalanche Alley."

Yay!

I'm going there today
to check out the place.

You wanna go, Parker?
I would love
to get your thoughts.

No can do.
I gotta set up for
the fun theme dinner tonight,

since we don't
get to spend
Christmas together.

I'm callin' it
"Holiday Day."

It's redundant,
but fun.

There's plenty of time
to do both.

The decorations
are almost done,

and Bill and Noah
can cook the feast
I ordered once it's delivered.

You let on one time
you have a great beef
bourguignon recipe,

and suddenly
you're always
the guy who cooks.

Then it's settled.
Parker, don't worry.

We'll be back
in plenty of time.

There's no way
I'm gonna miss
tonight's gift exchange.

I've been droppin'
subtle hints

about the gift
I want for weeks.

"Subtle"? You hired
a skywriter to spell out,

"Mama wants
a weighted blanket."

That could mean anything.

But to be clear, I am Mama,

and I do want
a weighted blanket.

So, what do you think, Parker?

Uh, as long as you're sure
we won't miss the feast.

Yay. Road trip.
Count me in, too.

I'm gonna make a
"Driving to a
Hazardous Area" playlist.

I'll keep it short in case
we don't make it back.

Man, that boy
is out there, huh?
[CHUCKLES]

I don't wanna make
a "blanket" statement,

but the "weight of"...
Oh, forget it.

Just somebody get me
the ding-dang blanket.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Guys, they're coming!

[GASPS] Oh, no,
they finally found me!

Okay, fake ID,
wig, loose gems...

I've got passports
for you guys in here, too.

You're welcome.

Uh, no, I mean
two of my friends

are coming
for a surprise visit.

Friends?
That's great.

Why the panic?

Well, I sort of told them

you guys were Christmas elves.

Aw, I remember my first lie.

Don't worry,
you'll get better at it.

I'm sorry, but these friends
are very famous,

so I had to fib and tell them

my camp friends
were a big deal, too.

Uh, I am a big deal.

I was Little Miss Unleaded.

I get free gas
for life.[SIGHS]

When the apocalypse happens,
I will be queen.

Will you guys
just please pretend

to be elves for the day?

Fine. At least
it is Holiday Day,

so we won't be jingling alone.

I'm in, too.

But if this whole
operation goes south...

you'll never hear from
Miss Wilma Delacroix again!

Man, we sure
have a lot of

winter holiday decorations
for a summer camp.

Lou couldn't help herself
and bought 'em on clearance.

That woman
cannot pass up a deal.

Which explains why she

serves us platypus

and calls it
"beef with a twist."

Speaking of mystery meat,

this is for Lou,

so it must be the food
she ordered for the feast.

Well, at least
it's not a platypus.

Wait, Lou doesn't
expect us to...

I can't eat this turkey.

I feel bad just
heatin' up fish sticks.

I'm surprised
Lou ordered
a live bird.

But you eat meat,
right, Noah?

Well, meet...
meat.

So, uh, you think
you can actually
cook and eat this turkey?

It's a natural part of life.

How would you feel
if I showed you this?

"Hello, my name
is... Bill?"

I won't let anything
happen to Lil' Bill.

I mean,
look at that face.

It's the cutest
wittle wattle
I ever did see.

Yes, I know
how I sound,

and I don't care!

People make fun of me
for talkin' to a sock.

So, this is the main
[SPUTTERS] building,

and there's
a [SPUTTERS] bunch more

chalets behind
those [SPUTTERS] trees.

Geez, Lou,
you sound really cold.

Yeah, well, it's that,

and also this busted phone
that keeps vibrating
for no [SPUTTERS] reason.

Huh, my phone's
not workin' up here either.

Jake, how are
you not freezing?

Oh, my underwear
has heating coils
in the seat.

Well, that'll be an injury
we haven't dealt with before.

It's so cool that
it snows up here
year-round.

Growing up in Malibu,
the only snow I ever saw
was with Santa at the mall.

That was fake snow, dude.

Oh, so that's why
it didn't melt
when I put it in my mouth.

And also,
why all my baby teeth
fell out at once.

Movin' past that.

I'm just gonna unlock
this lockbox

and get this key
so we can go
right on inside...

[KEYS JINGLE]

Snow is slippery.

Where'd it go?

Looks like we're
[SPUTTERS] stuck out here...
Stupid phone!

Hey, guys,
my friends are here.

And you both
look amazing.

They're going
to be so impressed.
I can't wait!

So, her friends
are famous people

that are
really into elves?

I guess so.

These are my friends.

Oh!

They're reindeer.

This makes
so much more sense.

We assumed human.
That's on us.

Your celebrity friends
are reindeer?

Not just any reindeer.

Santa's reindeer.

These two
are Comet and Cupid!

Wait, you mean, like,
from the North Pole?

Awesome!

I hope
they're not mad at me
for having a steep roof.

How did you
meet them?

Crazy story.
I met this puffin,

who hung out
with this polar bear,

who knows everybody.

And next thing I know,
I'm rubbing hooves
with living legends!

Oh, yeah? Well,

I once saw Rachel Dratch
at a laundromat,

so I know people, too.

Hey,

who unscrewed
their antlers?

Reindeer shed them
during the summer.

Then, in the fall,
they use them

as swords
in renaissance fairs.

Wait, if they're
Santa's reindeer,

aren't they gonna
be able to tell
we're not his actual elves?

Which is a question
I never thought
I'd be asking.

Way ahead of you.

Comet, Cupid,
these are

Santa's newest recruits.
They just jingled

all the way through
their workshop training

and are ready
to start this winter.

Hi. Dimples.
Sled Maintenance.

Sorry, I forgot
you don't have...
No hands.

How was the flight?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

They said
they're hungry.

But luckily, I prepared
some snacks for all of us.

Yes, I am hungry, too.

You really work up
an appetite

swinging a tiny mallet
to make toys,

which is something
I do 'cause I'm an elf!

Here it is.

An elf's all-time
favorite meal,

Christmas cookies
soaked in eggnog,

topped with
crushed candy canes,

and gingerbread syrup.
Please don't hate me.

Ugh! I can't eat this.

I already feel cavities
forming on all 38 of my teeth.

Yeah, you heard that right!
I got extras in there!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Excuse us.

Okay, I appreciate
you trying,

but if you don't
take this up a notch,

Comet and Cupid
are going to figure out
I lied to them,

and they won't be
my friends anymore!

What more do you
want from us?

I look like
a tree ornament,

my toes
are permanently
curled, and...

My blood is peppermint!

That!

Ooh, I know.
Make some toys.

Just crank out
a few dozen
in under an hour,

and you'll be back on track.

A few dozen?

How about
a few hundred?

These sugary treats
got me so pumped,
I can see the future!

Great. Maybe
she can tell us
how this all turns out.

I feel horrible
for leaving Lil' Bill.

The Dusty Tush Petting Zoo
is the safest place for him.

It's like they say,
"If you love a turkey,
set it free.

"And if it comes
back to you, uh..."

[WARBLES]

Lil' Bill, you
came back to me!
[GASPS]

Way to ruin my
teachable moment, Lil' Bill.

'Sup, turkeys?
'Sup, real turkey?

This is Lil' Bill.

And he's not staying
because we have to
send him away again.

[WARBLES]

He says
he'll just keep
coming back.

Turkeys can
form strong bonds,

like how they imprint
on their mothers.

Apparently, that's how
he feels about Bill.

Wait,
are you saying...

[VOICE SHAKING]
I'm his Mama?

It feels like
you're putting words
in my mouth,

but I got
a reindeer sitch,
so peace!

You heard Scout.

We're basically
this turkey's
family now.

We can't
just abandon him.

We're not
abandoning him,

we're trying
to save his giblets.

[SIGHS] Okay,
you're right.

But I'm still packing
my baby boy

a bag of snacks
for the trip.

And remember,

no matter what you do,

you'll always be
welcome back home...

with Mama.

No one ever believes me
when I tell them
how I spend my summers.

Anyone
find the key?

Oh, totally.
I actually found it
an hour ago.

I'm just digging through
the freezing cold snow

'cause I love the feeling
of full-body numbness!

Guys, my hands
can't feel my face
not feeling my hands.

You know what?
How about
we just take a break?

I wanna show y'all
the full property.

No, I'd rather just
get back to the camp
for the Holiday Day feast.

Come on, guys.

The tour
starts this way.

[ICE CRACKING]

Anyone else seein' this?

You're on
a frozen pond.
Stay still.

Yeah, not really up to me.[CRACKING CONTINUES]

Hold onto this.
Okay, slowly.

Again, not really up to me.

One last step.

Made it![YELPS]

Snow is slippery.

Are we all
jumpin' in?

Cannonball!Whoa!

I wouldn't do that.

You're wearin'
electric underwear.

Hey, guys. How's
the toy-making going?

Okay, I've never
done this before,

but I think
I'm pulling it off.

You are not.

Okay, how about this?

It's my greatest creation.

I call it...

Baby's First Weapon!

You let her
make a toy
out of an expl*sive?

I do what I have to
to get through the day, okay?

Guys, the reindeer
will never believe

these were
made by real elves.

You're k*lling me,
Dimples!

Scout, I don't think
we can do this anymore.

But it's just
for a little bit longer.

Comet and Cupid
are leaving
in a few hours. Please?

[SIGHS] Okay,
we'll keep going.

We're your friends.
You can always count on us.

Thank you.

Uh, guys?

I'm making eye contact
with this orange,
and I can't stop.

I can't tell
if I'm weirded out or...

if I've just been truly
seen for the first time.

Okay, no more
toys for Dimples.

Hey, buddy.
[SIGHS]

Really sorry
your clothes
are all wet and...

that your blanket
isn't weighted.

You keep saying that
like it means something.

I really hope
you didn't pull my name.

Listen, I know
this trip hasn't gone

exactly like
we had hoped,

but I still think
we should
tour the property.

I'm sure everything
bad that can happen
already has.

Probably not.

This place is called
Avalanche Alley.

Shh! Not so loud.

You'll awaken
the mountain.

Look, I found the key.

Yes! Way to go, Jake![WATER SPLASHES]

I'm sensing
a pattern here.

[SIGHS] Okay, fine.

Let's go back
to Kikiwaka Ranch.
Everyone on the bus.

Where is the bus?

Um... looks like it
slid down to the bottom
of the mountain.

Inclines, am I right?

♪ Eight maids a-milking

♪ Seven swans a-swimming

♪ Six geese a-laying

♪ Four calling birds

♪ Three French hens

♪ Two turtle doves

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree! ♪

[PANTING]

Wow, two straight hours
of caroling and dancing.

I don't know
how you elves do it.

We elves
don't know either.

But... [INHALES]
the good news is,
we're done.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Oh, they pointed out
that you skipped

the fifth day of Christmas
on that last one.

No biggie, but it is
straight up blasphemy.

They don't want us
to do it again,
do they?

They didn't grunt that,
but it was grunt-implied.

A-five, six,
seven, eight!

♪ On the first day
of Christmas

♪ My true love gave to me...A cramp!

A partridge
in a pear tree!

Get your head
in the game, Baker!

I don't wanna
do this again!

No, I have
a really bad cramp.

Destiny, are you okay?

Uh, it's fine.
I can push through!

♪ On the first
day of Christmas

♪ My true love gave to me...

Searing pain! [GASPS]

♪ A partridge in a pear tree!

Aah, it's spreading!

♪ On the second
day of Christ...

Kris Kringle,
why so many days?

Stop, stop, stop!

Ah, sweet relief!

I'm sorry I put
you both through this.

Look, Comet, Cupid,
my friends aren't elves.

They're just
normal girls, like me.

Aw, no one's
ever called me
"normal" before.

They're not famous,
they're just amazing people

who are willing
to do anything for me.

I'm sorry I lied.

If you don't want
to be friends anymore,

I understand.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Really?

What'd they say?

They forgive me.

They actually
had a good time

hanging out
with you complete
and total nobodies.

Again, I was
Little Miss Unleaded,

and that
"gas for life,"

it can be
premium or diesel.

Whew! I'm glad
we're all friends now.

So, let's go introduce
Comet and Cupid
to all the other non-elves.

Wait, now that
I think about it,

where are
the other non-elves?

Didn't Lou say
she, Parker and Jake

would be back before
the Holiday Day feast?

My texts
aren't going through.

If they're still
on that mountain,
we should go find them.

How? We don't
have a vehicle.

[GRUNTING]

Comet says
we can use
their ride.

That's good.

Because Miss Wilma Delacroix
had her car impounded

after she got stopped
at the border.

Wilma Delacroix
has lived.

Well, we're stuck
up here. [SHUDDERS]

By the time anyone finds us,
I'm just gonna be
a well-dressed meat-sicle.

Don't be silly.

The wolves
will pick apart

our corpses
well before that.

Mint?

Okay, Parker.
Things haven't
gone as planned,

but you've been
in a bad mood all day.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I just must've
left my good mood

at the bottom
of the frozen pond!

You were gloomy
back at the ranch

when I told you
about this place.
What is your deal?

We're gonna
miss you, okay?

Wait, hold on!

I can't
give you a mint.
I ate them all.

Anyway...

the ranch is not gonna
be the same without you.

What are you
talkin' about?

I figured
you got this place
to turn it into a camp.

Which means
you're gonna have to
leave the ranch to run it.

You're probably
gonna be spending
most of your time up here,

and I'm happy for you,

but... I'm just not gonna
see you as much,
which bums me out,

'cause you're the best friend
and coworker I've ever had.

Never mind, the mints
just emptied out
into my pocket. Whew.

I'll admit,
I have been
wanting to expand.

And I do wanna
turn this place
into a camp.

But in the off-season.

Besides, I'm not gonna
be the one runnin' it.

You're not?
Who is?

You, Parker.
I want you to run it.

You're giving
me a camp?

Well, I'll own it,
but you'll run it.

It's my present to you
for the gift exchange.

You'll be activities director
with us in the summer

and run this place
in the winter.

Hey, I'm really glad
I pulled your name.

Would've been real weird
if I had to give a camp

to Jim, the groundskeeper.
[CHUCKLES]

Uh, [STAMMERS]
I don't know what to say.

Thank you, Lou.

Thank you. But I...

I just don't know
if I'm ready.

You've grown so much

since you joined us
at Kikiwaka.

You are definitely ready.
You know it, and I know it.

So, what do you think?

Do you wanna do it?

I think...
I'm gonna run a camp!

Yay! I'm so happy!
[CHUCKLES]

This is the best day
of my life!

I can't wait
to tell everyone.

Actually, I'm not
gonna tell anyone

'cause we're gonna
die up here, right?

Guys, I think
it's gonna work out.

We can fly home
in that sleigh.

Oh, Lord, the cold
has taken his mind.

We're comin'
to the end, people.

[BELLS JINGLING]

Is that
Santa's sleigh

being driven by
two elves and Scout?

Good thing I have
plenty of mints.

Uh-oh, there's a hole
in my pocket.

What a rollercoaster!

Okay, I know you don't
wanna send him away,

so I have a new plan
to save Lil' Bill.

Great, what is it?

We're gonna k*ll him.

What?

I mean, we're
gonna fake his death.

I mixed Mound of Brown

with marshmallow paste,
shaped it like a turkey,

and burned it
beyond recognition.

Now, Lou will think
we cooked Lil' Bill.

Great idea, Noah.

We just need
to hide Lil' Bill
until after the feast.

Um, where
is Lil' Bill?

[WARBLING]

Oh, there he is,
eating himself.

Lil' Bill, why are
you doing that?

Isn't it obvious?
He's an only child

and doesn't
want to compete

with another turkey
for our affection!

How is any of
that obvious?

Great,
he destroyed it.

I hope you're
happy, Lil' Bill.

We don't have time
to make another
fake turkey.

We've been
working really hard

to make this summer-winter
holiday great for you,

and this is
the thanks we get?

Stop, he's just a child!
Don't get mad at him.

I'm not mad,
I'm just disappointed.

And before you say it,
getting him a sibling
isn't gonna fix anything!

Mom and Dad need to
work through some stuff.

Man, this thing
really veers
to the left.

For sure. Santa needs
to get the alignment
checked on his reindeer.

I can see the ranch.
We're gonna make it

back in time
for the Holiday Day feast.

I can't believe we're
actually in Santa's sleigh.

I know. I can't imagine
flying any other way now.

Eh, private's better.

[BELLS JINGLING]

I mean, this is great, too,
just no hot towel service.

[SIGHS]

On private flights,
they push up

a cute little staircase
for you. Just sayin'.

Wow. Bill and Noah
did a great job
decorating for Holiday Day.

Yeah, after everything
that happened
up on that mountain,

a nice calm, quiet,
relaxing dinner
is exactly what I need.

BILL: Attack!

You can take our lives,
but you can never take
our Lil' Bill!

The only thing
you'll be eating tonight
is my maternal rage!

It was never going
any other way.

What is happening?
Who's Lil' Bill?

He's a turkey.
Bill's a mom now.

Man, Santa's reindeer,
ski chalet, turkey moms...

We really pack a lot
into a day here.

Lou, we will not let you
cook my namesake
for Holiday Day.

I have no idea
what your problem is.

The only turkey
I was expecting

was a rescue turkey
I adopted to live here.

You monster!
Adopt what now?

He's a rescue turkey?

He's a rescue turkey.

So, you're not
gonna eat my son?

No, I'm not gonna
eat your son.

Clearer picture forming.
Confusion leaving.

Embarrassment setting in.

But if Lil' Bill
wasn't the main course,

then what was the dinner
that was being delivered?

Uh, probably these boxes
of tofu-turkey and sides

from Dusty Tush Catering
with a label that says

"Holiday Day Dinner
for Kikiwaka Ranch."

[CHUCKLES] Ah,
would you look at that?

A comedic
misunderstanding.

Our days really
are jam-packed.

How could you guys think
I was gonna have us eat
a live turkey for dinner?

In my defense,
I've been dealing
with a lot as a new parent.

I was so busy today,
I had to feed Lil' Bill
cereal for dinner.

Go ahead, judge me!

I got it!
Camp Ski-kiwaka.

Lou gave me my own camp
for the gift exchange.
[CHUCKLES]

What were you guys
talking about?

What? You said
there was a $30 limit.

Aw, man, now
my "Noah Bucks"

coupon book's gonna
look really lame.

Oh! [CHUCKLES] Uh,
just what I've always wanted.
A nightmare-mobile.

To be fair,
I was jacked up on sugar

and do not remember
making that.

Ooh, this feels heavy.
I think I know what it is.
[CHUCKLES]

Oh! A weighted blanket.
I get it. [CHUCKLES]

Micah, you're fired.

Hey! Thanks, Lou,
for getting the tofu-turkey
for all us vegetarians.

You're welcome.
You know,
it is kind of refreshing

to have a meal
without hair.

You say goodbye
to Comet and Cupid?

Yep. Oh, and I also
stopped by the barn
to meet the new turkey,

and realized
that I actually know
Lil' Bill's turkey mom.

Really?

Yeah, she lives
at the rescue ranch
in town.

Oh, yeah.
She's a big deal.

I heard
she was pardoned
by the president.

Maybe, if I dropped
Lil' Bill off
at the rescue,

he could be
reunited with his mom.

You'd be
okay with that?

[SIGHS] It'll be hard,
and I'll definitely miss him.

But I can finally
get my life back.

Don't get me wrong.

Being a mom
is so rewarding,
but it was a lot.

I'm really looking forward
to focusing on me again,
maybe get back into Pilates.

Bill, you've only been
a mom for, like, eight hours.

Lou, I don't expect
you to understand

how hard it is
to put a child's needs
before your own.

[WHISPERING] Mmm, okay.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
You know what, Parker?

How about
you go ahead
and take this camp, too?

Oh, I get it.

A weighted blanket.

Mint?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]