07x04 - An Arrow Victory

[bunniefuu]

[SIGHS SOFTLY] Finally,
some peace and quiet.

Lou! We're all
gonna die!

And I was right
not to trust it.

Look, if this is about
the expired yak meat,

the only side effect
is unwanted hair growth,

which is why
I already bought
everyone's shoulder combs.

What?What?

No. The Wolverine
cabin counselor just quit.

So now the most evil campers
in history are unsupervised.

Save yourselves.

If I don't make it,
tell my story!

Well, this is on me
for naming them
Wolverines.

At my next camp,

all the cabins are
gonna be named after
clouds and doughnuts.

What are we going to do?

They filled
water balloons
with bees.

How did they get the bees
to fly into the balloons, Lou?

That's some
dark art stuff.

I just need some time
to find someone
dumb enough

to be Wolverine
cabin counselor.

I mean, someone
excited enough about

the amazing opportunity
to mold young minds.

Good luck.
There's not a counselor
in the world

good enough to handle those
out of control monsters.

Oh, really?

Well, I happen to know
an expert counselor.

Oh, yeah. Is Ava coming?

I'm talking about me.
I was a great counselor.

Maybe the best
of all time.

At least according
to that mug
I bought myself.

Don't worry. I'll turn
those Wolverines into
model campers lickety split.

You are going to be
their counselor?

Man. This is like when
Jordan came out
of retirement.

You're comparing me
to Michael Jordan?

No, Dr. Jordan,
my mediocre dentist.

But it's nice to know
you don't have any
self-esteem issues.

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Hey, Destiny.
What you doing?

I'm finishing my menu
for the Dusty Diner.

Who's gonna wanna eat dust?

No. Dusty as in Dusty Tush.

Not following.
But I bet I get there.

It's the vegetarian restaurant
the town gave Parker
and me funding for.

What do you think about
a delicious organic
ratatouille?

I think you shouldn't
serve a dish

where one ingredient is a rat,
and the other is "touille".

Anyway, today is
the opening, and I need
everything to go perfectly.

Man, that sounds stressful,

especially with all those rats
running around.

There are no rats, Jake.

Either way, it sounds like
a lot of work.

So much work.Then I can totally help.

Uh, it's not
that much work.

Oh, come on, Destiny.
Don't be such a hero.

Jakey's on the job.

Well, seeing as I can't
think of a way to politely
get myself out of this,

welcome to
the team, Jakey.

Sweet.

Oh, the Dusty Diner.

Nope, not there yet.

All right,
let's get started.

Now, I bet you're
all wondering why
I'm running this activity.

It turns out I'm awful
at Rock, Paper, Scissors.

So let's arm some children
and see what happens.

Winnie, are you ready
to start your first class?

Heck, yeah. Arrows are
the one pointy weapon

I've never been able
to play with.

Stupid neighborhood watch
and their stupid rules
just for me.

Little bummed that Lou
doesn't also have
those rules for you.

But hey, live and learn,
he said, really hoping
to live.

Relax, Parker.
I know I'm gonna
be great at this,

just like I am with all
weapon-related activities.

You see, it's the repeated
use of the word "weapon"
that makes me nervous.

Bill, you're up.

Just call me
a bovine optometrist.

Because I'm all about
the bull's-eye.

Whoa, Bill.[ALL CLAPPING]

Nice job.

With the archery,
not the trash talk.
That needs work.

Okay, my turn.

I'm a god among men. Yeah!

What the... What?

Well, you didn't
hit the target,

but bet those ants will
never mess with you again.

It's all right.
Just give it
another dry.

Yeah, there's no way
I'm not great at this.

How am I not great at this?

Look, I'm willing
to tell people you weren't
aiming at the target.

Forget it. I quit.

I am never arrowing again.

It's actually called archery.

Yeah, maybe we don't pile on.

Okay, You two
are on one team,

and you two Wolverines
are on another.

A physical activity
like dodgeball

is a great way for them
to burn off energy.

Thus making them
more manageable.

Or fuel their love
of violence.

But hey, what do
we have to lose,
besides our lives?

Okay, Wolverines.
Listen up, when I blow
this whistle, start playing.

And when I blow it
again, stop!

Understood?

See that?
That's experience talking.

Experience is
a little yell-ey.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[GASPING]

Stop! I'm blind!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Stop!

Stay! Stay!
Where are they getting
all these ba*ls?

Ow!

Was that a rock?
And you painted it red?

This was premeditated.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Take cover.

So this is
how I die at camp.

I always thought
it would be
a runaway bull.

Hey, Bill, I see you're

putting glue
on the string.

I'm waxing it.

Yeah. I should not be
teaching this class.

Look, Winnie
is on her way,
and I need your help.

She was so bummed
about not being good
at archery earlier.

We need to fix that.

Oh, so you convinced her
to come back

so you can help her put
in the hours to
become better?

Oof, that sounds like,
well, a lot of hours.

No. We're gonna take
a shortcut, making her think
she's great at archery,

thus making her feel great
about herself, thus making me
feel great about myself.

It's a win-win.

You know, saying "thus"
a bunch of times doesn't
make this a smart idea.

She's coming.

Why did you make me
come back here?

I'm terrible.
And I'll never get better.

No, I figured it out.
You were just
overthinking things earlier.

Really? No one's
ever accused me
of thinking before.

Look who's growing up.

I have the perfect idea
to get you out of
your own head.

A blindfold.

Now you can focus on
the feel of the arrow

and not get distracted
by outside things.

Like Bill's loud breathing?

Hey!

Oh, wow,
that was a breathy H.

I guess I can
give it a try.Great!

So you're going to take
the girl who shot everything
but the target

and remove her sight?

This plan is bad
even for you.

And you set that bar
pretty high.

Glad to have you
in my corner, Bill.

Okay, Winnie.
Fire away.

[BIRD SCREECHES]

What was that?

The sound
of success. Look.

Hey, I did it.
I'm incredible.

You are. Right, Bill?

Yes. Her skills
are totally unbelievable.

Thank you, Parker.
I feel so good about
myself now.

Bill, if you want,
I can give you some
arrowing pointers later.

Archery.
It's right on the sign.

I've got an idea.
This time,

try sh**ting it
behind your back,
blindfolded.

Pitch on your pitch.

Spin me around first.Yeah!

So this is how
I die it at camp.

I always thought
it'd be a runaway bull.

Here you go.
Two of our delicious
veggie Kikiwa-kebabs.

Enjoy.We have an
orange juice for the lady,

and for the gentleman,
distilled tap water with
a dash of plant fertilizer.

This is for the plant,

which is why
the bottle does not say
human fertilizer.

Oh, also that
orange juice
was mine.

The lipstick marks
are not just
a fun garnish.

Ew, gross.

Sorry, she's new.

[PHONE CHIMES][GASPS]

Oh, no.What? Did the chef quit?

Do you need me
to fill in?

I can't cook,
but I look awesome
in those fluffy hats.

No. Parker just texted me.

And apparently a food critic
from the Dusty Tush Times

is coming to review
our restaurant today.[PHONE CHIMES]

Also, Winnie
has arrows now.
Good luck.

Wait. We're getting
reviewed?

This is great news, right?

Maybe. The column
is called Tush to Table.

And a glowing review
can bring a lot of people
to the restaurant.

Huh. Usually when I put
my tush on the table,
they ask me to leave.

I just need everything
to go perfectly
for the critic.

Don't worry.
With Jacob Jake Jacobs,
nothing can go wrong.

I got you, girl.

Please don't got me.
I can got myself.

Uh... Five-second rule.

Destiny, don't just
stand there.

We're running
out of time.

So when Lou builds
a statue of me,
should the inscription read,

"World's Greatest
Activities Director"

or "Galaxy's Greatest
Activities Director?"

Hmm. Good question.

Which one do they give you
for lying to a child?

Come on.
It's just a little lie.

And now Winnie
feels great
about herself.

Parker, this is going to
backfire on you.

I'm sure she's moved on
to something else by now.

Or not.

Hey, guys.
Like my new outfit?

I call it Nottingham Chic.

Yeah, it's great.
Like, totally.

But, 'sup with
the falcon?

Who, Rodrick?
He completes the look.

Now that I'm
an expert archist.

Archer.
You're so close.

Bill, Bill, Bill. I think
I know a little more
about arching than you.

After all, I can
do it blindfolded,
and you have to use your eyes.

Like an
arrow sh**ting baby.

Winnie. Bill and I are just
stoked that you've got your
confidence back.

So much confidence.

I sure have.
And that's why I entered
the camp-wide

arrow sh**ting tournament.

So now the whole camp
can see how amazing I am.

The whole camp?
I hope we have
enough bandages.

I mean, beverages.

Are you sure
you're ready for that?Definitely.

And, Bill,
feel free to enter.

I'm sure they'll be
looking for someone to give
a second place ribbon to.

No shame in losing
to the world's best
arrow sh**ter person.

So when you said backfiring,
this is what you meant, right?

Yep,

Hey, the guy at
table seven just asked me
what our best dish was.

I told him
anything without rats.

Jake, there are no rats
in our food.

Oh, I gotcha.

Wink-wink.

No. No winks!

Oh, my gosh.
That guy writing
in the notebook

must be
the critic from the
Dusty Tush Times.

On it. I'll warm up
his tortillas in my armpits.
Class all the way.

Maybe I don't need
your help with
this one.

What do you mean?
Am I not helpful?

Uh, of course you are.

It's just that
it's my restaurant,

so it makes sense
that I'd be the one
interacting with him.

Is that something
you would believe?

Totally.

Okay. Then you go
and entertain that table
full of kids over there.

You got it.
I wish your pits luck.

Hello, fine sir.

Welcome to the Dusty Diner,
where we proudly serve
organic food

that is pesticide
and rat free, which should go
without saying obviously.

And why don't I stop talking
and get you a menu?

Okay.

Yo, I'm Jake, and I'll be
helping you out today.

If you need anything,
extra bread, more napkins,

life advice from an old soul,
I'm your man.

Hi, I'm Danny.
Tush Elementary
snot rocket champion.

Three years running.

Dude, I'm Malibu
snot rocket champ.

How come I haven't seen you
at the meetings?

I'm rehabbing
a pulled nostril.

Physical therapy is brutal.

Snot struggles
are real, dude.

Now, the food here is amazing,
but my service is better.

I even do magic.

Watch me yank
this tablecloth
without spilling anything.

Behold...

[APPLAUDING]

Ta-da!

Whoa!

I may have
ta-da'd prematurely.

Here's that menu.

Okay.

What's going on?

I thought you were
taking the Wolverines
rowing on the lake

to blow off some steam.

I did, but then
they tied me
to a boat anchor,

so I switched things up
before I ended up
at the bottom of the lake

with all the old appliances
I've dumped.

Well, I'm glad you're alive
and not sleeping
with the toasters.

You see, a good counselor
adjusts their tactics.

So I let them
decide their activity

because strong boundaries
clearly didn't work.

I have the rope burns
to prove it.

Is this for me?
How sweet of you.

They love me now.

Five, four, three, two...
Uh-oh.

I did not
see that coming.

Kudos for the mislead.

Ah, macaroni.
A little on the nose,
to be honest.

Can't believe
I thought I could
tame problem campers

after being an owner
for so long.

I've clearly lost
all my counseling skills.

Don't feel bad, Lou.

I told you,
here's no counselor
in the world

that could get
these monsters to behave.

That one kid's
got shark eyes.

Thank you, Noah.

I'd give you a hug,
but my arms are glued
to my sides.

No worries.
We'll just touch foreheads.

Nope. That was
a bad idea.

I hope you're ready
to guac and roll with
our famous tableside

Kiki-guaca.

Does this wordplay
have ending where
I actually get my food?

Yes, sorry.
I'll stop talking
and start guac-ing.

Last one. I promise.

Destiny, are you sure
you don't want my help?

I could juggle roles.

I just need to learn
how to juggle first.

No! I mean,
you've already
done so much.

So, so much.

In fact,
I think it's time
for your break.

But I've only
been here an hour.

Is that all?
It feels like
I've aged 30 years.

I mean, how about
you go sit with your
new booger-y friends?

Okay, but I want you
to know

that "booger-y friends"
is kind of reductive.

They do fart stuff, too.

Dude, let's play
Brussels sprout baseball.

Normally, I do not like
Brussels sprouts
or baseball,

but I'm willing to take
this ride with you,
new friend.

Batter up.

[GASPS]

What is
going on here?

Destiny, I'm so sorry.

Well, It looks like
you guys have hit
guac-bottom.

I can do it, too.

Destiny, I'm so sorry
for ruining your chances

of getting a good review
from that critic.

Man, the one time
I'm good at sports,

it takes down
a small business.

It's okay. I know you just
wanted to help make
the Dusty Diner a success.

I guess I'll just have
to settle for becoming
a sports legend.

Yes. Hold on to that.

And hey, Danny
and his friends
had an incredible time.

Plus, they loved the food.

Well, I guess that's what's
really important anyway.

I just wanted people
to enjoy my healthy food
and have a good time.

Who cares what some
stuffy critic thinks?

The whole town.
I mean, nobody.

Sure are
a lot of people here.

Yep, you might say
there's a class action lawsuit
amount of people here.

Bill, relax.
It'll all be okay.

No, it won't. You have to
tell Winnie the truth.
She's up first.

And crush
her self-esteem?

That would be like
an arrow straight
to my heart.

Which is a real
possibility right now.

Listen, I have a plan.

'Tis I, your soon
to be crowned queen
of the arrowing arts.

Observe as I
cover my eyes.

"How will she do it?",
you might ask. Patience!

All will be revealed.

Winnie, you should limber up
before you start.

You know,
safety first.

If safety mattered,
there wouldn't be five bird
widows on our conscience.

You're gonna
do great, Winnie.

[MOUTHING]

Take your spot
at that line, Winnie.

Prepare to be amazed
at the blindfolded wonder.

[ALL CHEERING]

But what about
the arrow she shoots?

Aren't we still worried
it'll hit someone?

Don't worry,
I thought of everything.

That's why
I tipped her arrows
with rubber ba*ls.

Bask in my greatness,
peasants.

Yah!

[GROANS]

Winnie, are you okay?

Wait. Why is there
a rubber ball on this?

And how could I miss
the target so badly?

I'm a phenom.

It's because, um...

[SIGHS]

You're terrible, okay.

Like, dangerously, potentially
criminally terrible.

How? I hit
the bullseye blindfolded.

Oh, no, no, no.
You hit, like,
a lot of birds.

I faked the whole
bullseye thing.

I wanted you to feel
confident in yourself.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Helicopter parent.

Winnie, I realize now
that the only thing that will
give you confidence at this

is practice
and hard work.
There's no shortcut.

And I'm sorry
I tried to make
one for you.

It's okay.
I'm a real fan
of shortcuts.

Wish that had worked out.

If you want, I'd be happy
to work with you every day
and help you get better.

Really?
You would do that?

Even though I acted
like an arrogant jerk

who thought
I was better than
you at archery?

Archery?
Is that the word?
It sounds so wrong.

Of course I'll help you.
We're friends.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a tournament
to win.

Oh, can I borrow Rodrick?
He really does
complete the look.

Right? I'm telling you,
Nottingham Chic is
gonna be a thing.

Where are the Wolverines?
Are they behind me?

Is this a bad time
to tell you I failed all
my staged combat classes?

Don't worry.
The Wolverines won't be
misbehaving anymore.

Hmm.

You sound pretty confident
for a woman who still has
macaroni in her ear.

Actually, it was something
you said that helped me
solve our problem.

Huh?

I don't remember solving
anything, but that does
feel on brand for me.

When you said that
no counselor in the world

could get these kids
under control,
it gave me an idea.

I'm not
a counselor anymore.
I'm an owner.

So I did something
only an owner could do.

You bribed them?Are you kidding?

We're using old corn cobs
for toilet paper,

and you think I got
bribe money
laying around?

Touche?

I called their parents
and told them if their kids
don't start behaving,

I'm going to toss them
out of here like so many
used toilet cobs.

So you tattled?

No, it's not
called tattling
when you're the boss.

It's called managing.

Don't fact check me
on that.

Well, whatever
you want to call it,
it worked.

So, you won't mind
helping me watch 'em

until I find 'em
a new counselor?

I would be delighted
to help you with such
well-mannered campers, Lou.

Let's make Destiny do it.

Yeah. We should
tell her the good news.

Hey, guys. Welcome.

We're not open just yet,
but feel free to
sit down and chat

or sh**t mucus
from your noses.

I don't know
how your kind
greets each other.

Oh, man.
I just sneezed.
Now I'm out of a*mo.

Come on, Jacobs,
get your head
in the game.

I just thought
you'd like to read my review
of the Dusty Diner

in today's paper.

Your review?
You're the author
of Tush to Table?

Isn't it awesome?

It's got
a funny word for "butt"
right in the name.

"High Jinks Abound
at Destiny Baker's
New Restaurant.

"It's kid-friendly
and delicious."

"It's refreshing to eat
somewhere that doesn't
take itself so seriously

"and allows people
to have fun."

Oh, my gosh.
This is an amazing review.

"Plus, the food
is super tasty
and really aerodynamic."

I feel seen.

All my friends
can't wait to try it.

I hope you have sodas,

because Derek here
can burp the Declaration
of Independence.

How patriotic.

But if you're the critic,
then who did Destiny
spill food all over?

Oh, that's my uncle Larry.

He likes to go to restaurants
and work on his sci-fi novel
about space dolphins.

Give it up, man.

No wonder he lives
in my nana's basement.

Okay, we're officially
open now, so let me grab
everyone some menus.

Dude, you've got to try
our vegan meatballs.

They fly so much further
than Brussels sprouts.

Why didn't I just
put out a cookbook?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]