01x03 - Episode Trois

[bunniefuu]

[crowd cheering]

[Chris D'Elia]
I'm saying dicks are

different all around the world. Right?

Like, where are you from?
Sir, back here.

- Alabama.
- Alabama.

Okay, so your d*ck is very conservative.

Miami d*ck, very sweaty d*ck.

Always on a f*cking boat... Maybe.

Wisconsin.
Okay, that's a cheese d*ck, man.

[Brian laughing]

You got cheese on your d*ck, okay?

How about you?

Okay, wait. Why are you laughing?

- He kills me.
- It's all dicks.

That's the point, right?

He's satirizing bad comics
that just go on and do d*ck jokes.

- By just doing d*ck jokes?
- It's super subtle.

A little ugly business.

Your neighbor, Heather?

She wasn't too happy
about the whole pool incident.

Incident?

She said you made her feel uncomfortable
and she filed a complaint.

- A complaint against Gad?
- Mhm.

That's crazy.

In France,
we would have had sex at the pool and I

would be filing a complaint.

Well, we're not in France anymore.

I think we just need to get our heads
around not being famous here.

I feel like we're holding on to it
and we got to let go of it.

So, how do you meet women?

Well it's not easy.

There's a lot of rejection,

but you got to keep grinding.

- Okay.
- Send the DMs.

Like the post. Comment on the post.

Hope she comments back
or at least likes the comment.

Sounds like a lot of work, Brian.

It is a lot of work, but I have an app

- that does all the heaving lifting.
- A dating app?

Yeah. I'll set up a profile for you.

Come on. Gad doesn't do dating apps.

I'm gonna go on an app

to meet women and have sex
and date and...

Okay, how about this?

It won't be Gad.

We use an alias.

That way, if they're interested in you,

they're just interested in you.

Mmm.

Right?

[Chris D'Elia]
Minnesota. Freezing cold d*ck.

It's a freezing cold d*ck,
doesn't like to come out.

episode three

[music playing]

[Jason] Hey Sean. Jason Alan Ross.

You watched me... jerk off last night.

Just seeing when I can swing by,
grab the rest of that cash.

I got home.

There's only enough for five
in the envelope and...

I thought we agreed on ten.

Anyway, give me a shout
when you get a chance.

I might just head your way soon,

you know, just to beat traffic.

Cool. Okay, thank you.

Who was that?

Don't worry about it.
Up the incline. Come on.

Hey guys. Are you working out too?

Are you kidding? Are you seriously
pretending to run into us right now?

No, it's just that it's a coincidence.
Incredible!

[muttering] Oh my God.

Excuse me.

I was on this one.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Are you serious?

It's just because I was running on this...
Sorry.

It's incredible. I come.
And then, same time. Wow.

Too bad you couldn't make it last night.

My friend Tyson really wanted to meet you.

- Tyson?
- Yeah, Tyson... Beckford.

You had a drink with Tyson Beckford?

You know Tyson?

Know him? Besides Randy Hotchkiss,
he's my favorite model on Earth.

Didn't he just get a part
in Me Llamo Marco?

Yeah. Sebastian Pull, Marco's lover.

Yeah, he talked to me about it.

He talked about it? What did he say?

J, why do you care?
Mom's not gonna let you act anyways.

[scoffs]

She wouldn't let me?
I gave it up cause I wanted to.

I thought she said
she was gonna kick you out.

- Hey, rock wall. Go.
- Yep.

- What is "rock wall"?
- Rock wall! Over there. He's got to climb.

You know? He's got to climb.

So...

Tyson, he didn't...

He didn't happen to mention
if they found their Marco yet, did he?

Heard David Boreanaz fell out.

What was it?

f*ck, man.
That is so in my f*cking wheelhouse.

I thought you gave up the acting, no?

Yeah. No. Yeah, definitely.
Absolutely I did.

For that kid right there.

It was worth it, too. I mean...

You know, I could have gone
the other way easily.

You know,
taking the career path like you, but...

They didn't give you the part.

- What's that?
- They didn't offer you the role.

No. I chose him.

Gad,

listen, man.

I know you miss him.

And I sympathize with your situation.
You want back in.

He's already super tight
with his cool step dad.

It's a reverse Daddy's Home.
And we've seen it.

- Reverse what?
- But that's a movie. This is real life.

I'm afraid he doesn't want you here, bro.

- [Gad] Jason is right.
- [Brian] Yeah.

It really is a reverse Daddy's Home.

Luca doesn't want me here.

Maybe I need to take the hint.

It's a little more than a hint
at this point, right?

I mean, it seems like they're all
basically saying it to your face.

It's just...
he worships this Jason guy like

he waxes, he tans,
he knows everything about working out.

How can I compete? I can't.

- So, he doesn't want you here.
- Right. I just said that

But what if he needed you here?

- What do you mean?
- Follow me on this. Okay?

Someone has to take Luke
to the Sunglass Hut sh**t, right?

And Vivian already said that she can't go.

Why? Because she has a wellness retreat.
Wow.

So, what if Jason also couldn't go,
for some reason?

- What would be the reason?
- That's what we got to figure out.

What means more to him than Sunglass Hut?

Me Llamo Marco.

- The sign.
- The Fox show?

Call Fox.

And get an audition for Jason

at the same time
as the Sunglass Hut sh**t.

You know, I think these are the kind
of instincts that we have to ignore.

Right? Cause we can't just call Fox.

Brian, don't make it more complicated
than it is, okay?

- Yeah.
- Just do it.

Make it happen.

- Okay. Copy that.
- Okay.

Calling Fox, I guess.

[Jason grunting]

[voiceover] We ask you
to refrain from busting extraneous nuts.

Nuts.

Is that going to be okay
with your partner?

Oh yeah, almost there.

Probably like 250 a nut.

Here we go.

[exaggerated groaning]

Did you...?

- Of course I did, babe. Wow.
- Okay.

That was...

intense.

Okay.

Yeah.

But just like...

the noises kind of sounded fake.

Reminded me of your acting days.

Thank God those are over.

Yeah.

You were so terrible, remember?

Legs.

Oh, yeah. I got it.

So, I heard you got the money for Luke.

Yeah... "Terrible"?

I mean,

I'm not sure the right part
ever came my way but...

Your weird method sh*t?
How did you get the money?

Weird method sh*t?

- You're not gonna tell me, are you?
- No.

Jason, you became a sub engineer
for about a month

for a guest spot on NCIS
that you didn't even get.

The process is still the process.

Oh my God.

Did you suck someone's d*ck?

What?

I don't think I can have a baby with
someone who sucks d*ck for pec implants.

I didn't suck anyone's d*ck, babe.

Okay, Jason,

look me in the eye and promise me
that you didn't suck someone's d*ck.

Hand to God.

I didn't suck anyone's d*ck.

So, the president of casting
of Fox said to meet here?

Well, actually it's the SVP of casting.

And we're not meeting him.

I got a meeting with a guy
who's shadowing one of his assistants.

Yeah, but can he get the audition?

Kind of.

Kind of?

Let me do the talking.

- You're Brian?
- TK?

Who's this guy?

This is Gad.

He's cool.

Doesn't look cool.

- What?
- Yeah, he's French.

It's fine.

Get in.

[TK] Okay, so who am I auditioning?

[Brian] His name is Jason Alan Ross.

[TK] Okay, Jason Ross.

No, it has to be the three names.
Jason Alan Ross.

It has to come from an official
Fox extension. Okay? It has to feel real.

Obviously. All right,
I've done this a thousand times.

Call the guy. Throw him in an empty
office during lunch. Put him on tape.

He's just happy he's getting a shot.

What do you mean? It's not real?
He's not getting a shot?

No, but he doesn't know that.

I don't know.

Is this the best we can do?

You said find a way.

Guys. Are we moving on this or what?

Is it gonna be convincing?
In an empty office?

You're right. There needs to be posters
on the wall of other Fox shows, as well.

No. Now you're pushing your luck.

No posters. No deal.

Whoa.

All right.

I'll dig up a couple posters.

No.

We need more than a couple.

Minimum of three.

That's what we're saying here.

- Well, that's gonna cost you extra.
- How much?

Another 25.



Yes, that is the number I was thinking of.

- I don't think he means...
- Brian, please.

I'm in the middle of negotiation, okay?



But three posters.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's a pretty good deal.
I feel good about it.

Yeah. $8,000 a poster.

Okay.

[Jason] Monday?
And that's the only day?

Okay, thanks, TK.
And tell Fox thank you, as well.

I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

[exhales deeply]

Really?

There's nothing else
you could be doing right now?

Like what? Luke's at school. I worked out.
Did all the laundry.

[Gad] Hello.

- Oh, come on!
- I'm not here to bother you. Don't worry.

- I'm just here to see Jason.
- Well you are bothering me.

You're bothering everyone.

Please. Five minutes.

Doesn't Jason have a say?

I do.

We talked about this babe. I have a say.

- Right?
- Fine.

Hey.

What is it, Gad?
I'm kind of in the middle of something.

- In the middle of tanning?
- No.

I'm working something out, up here.

What are you working out?

You're an inquisitive little f*ck,
aren't you?

If you must know, I just received

- a pretty big phone call.
- Oh yeah?

- From who?
- 20th Century Fox.

That's great!
They're doing the Marco show?

They haven't found him yet.

Oh, my!

Ryan Lasky, SVP of casting,
wants me to audition.

That's great.

That's fantastic news, man.

Since that's the one show you said
you would come out of retirement for.

- Congrats!
- It's not that easy, Gad.

They can only see me on Monday.

Oh yeah, and that's the same day
as Luca's sh**ting, the Sunglass thing.

I'm going to have to pass.

I'm going to have to f*cking pass.

On the role I was born to play.

No.

I don't know. Is there not someone
who could go and cover the sh**t for you?

And throw Luke a curveball like that?
I don't throw Luke curveballs, okay.

He will f*cking freak out.
And Viv will freak.

Jason.

Let me ask you something.

Take Luke out of it.

Take Viv out of it.

What does Jason Alan Ross want to do?

It's been a long time
since someone's asked me that.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

I wish I was.
But it's Marco, bud, it's Marco.

And you're proposing that he takes me
in your place.

I mean, I would if I could.

But I'll fully be in character by then.
I mean, you know how intense my prep is.

Luca, you know what?

I'm going to take you. I'm going to
stay in the back. I'm going to stay quiet.

- He told me everything, what to to do.
- We went through it.

- Parents section.
- Yes. And no...

Wait.

Marco is a model. He knows
the fashion world.

Why can't you take me?

- What?
- That does make sense.

Actually, you know what?
Marco could take you.

- The character?
- I mean, he never learned to drive, but...

You know what? That could totally work.

Good thinking!

- Yeah. Way to use your head.
- Right?

That makes sense for Marco to take him?

Yeah. He's Marco Perretti.
He was a male model.

If anyone knows his way
around a photo sh**t, it's him.

But it's not him.
It's Jason pretending to be him.

No. I don't think Jason pretends
to be anything.

That's what "Method" is.
He fully becomes someone else.

Okay. So, where is Jason then?

He's gone.

If he's doing it right.

Oh, hey.

Bonjour. C'est Gad.

Hi. I...

I would like to apologize
for the complaint.

- It's fine.
- No, it's... not fine.

I'm not used to that.

Women normally talk to me because,
you know...

You're so famous, right?

- Okay. I can show you...
- Show me what?

Are you going to show me your d*ck?

- No, I can show you a video of me...
- Of you what? Jerking off?

Ugh!

So, how did it go?

[cell phone ringing]

- Hello?
- He doesn't know him.

What? Gad?

Marco doesn't know who Luca is.

He would be wondering why he needs
to pick up a strange teenager, no?

[Brian] Interesting.

Where are you?

At home... in my apartment.

When can you be here?

- Soonish.
- Brian, soonish is not...

When is the soonish?

- In a few minutes.
- Come now!

Okay.

[in increasingly thicker accent]
We work just as hard... just as hard.

Just as hard.

Hold poses.

For poses.

[normal accent]
Poses.

Hold poses for just as long
and the lights...

Just as hot.

[in thick accent]
Just, just as hot.

Hut, hot, hot.

Hot.

[Mexican theme plays]
But somehow...

we are worth less.

[cell phone vibrates]

Hey, Marco.

Marco?

- He's already in it.
- Yeah.

Yes, please. Is Jason there?

- Who?
- Jason Alan Ross.

I... don't know him.

Marco, can you hang on one second, please?

God, he's good.

Let me think.

Ask him whose phone he's on.

Sorry about that.

Marco... Let me ask you

whose phone are you on?

[groaning and sniffing]

[in regular voice]
Hey, Gad.

Sorry about that. That was Marco.

I'm just trying to home in on this guy.

It's a... work in progress.

Oh... right.

And... Tomorrow, will you be...

fully Marco or...

Like no more Jason?

I hope not more than I should.

Right.

Since Marco doesn't know who Luca is,

I was thinking maybe going back
to me taking him.

You know, just so Luca
is not uncomfortable with a stranger.

It's a very big day for him.

That's a good point.

[Viv] Jason?

Hey, Gad. Let me chew on that. I gotta go.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, that's okay.

- [Viv banging on door] Jason!
- Just hang on.

Yep.

- Yep. Hey.
- Hey.

What were you doing?
Why are you sweating?

You know what that creatine does to me.

How it makes me shine.

Okay, whatever.

Take your clothes off.
We gotta go real quick.

Again? Can't we wait till later?

I'm not gonna be ovulating later.
We're already cutting it close enough.

No, babe.

Look, I can't just be ready to go
like that.

- Why? Because you can't get hard?
- No, I can get hard.

Then, what's the problem?

- Come on.
- No. Stop. Stop it.

Stop it, okay? Verbal consent, babe.

Even in relationships, you still need it
from both parties.

- You're serious.
- Yes, I'm f*cking serious.

I'm f*cking serious. Yeah.
I'm not just a piece of meat.

You can't just put your hands all over me
whenever you wanna put them on me.

I got feelings too, okay?

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

What?

What?

[James] You want me to go?

Yeah, if you want.
It'd be cool to have you there.

Yeah. I'd love to go.

[Zene] Let's all go.

It'll be fun. We'll cheer you on,
you know?

Oh, Zene. You're there.

Babe, look how big it is right now.

It's crazy, right?

Wow, yeah. That is crazy.

[knocks on door]

Hey, bud. You got a sec?

Yeah.

Hey, guys. I got to go.

[James] Okay. Bye!

Who was that?

No one. What's up?
How's prep going?

Shh. Not so loud.

Your mom doesn't know.

Honestly...

It's a lot of layers
and it's more than I was expecting.

That's kind of
what I wanted to talk to you about.

What's up?

Remember when Shia was doing that...

that World w*r I film?

Someone had a Gatorade on set.

Yeah. It freaked him out

and they had to shut down
for like three days.

Yeah.

I mean, he was...

He was just so...

in it.

You know, he didn't know what it was.
I mean it...

It hadn't been invented yet.
You see where I'm headed with this?

Marco doesn't know me.

Hey.

You got this.

We've been training for months.

It's not me I'm worried about.

[techno music playing]

Guys! Lights on the model, please!

- Stop.
- I like that!

Stop!

- Hi, you look lost.
- Hi.

I'm Luke Alan Ross.

I'm one of the models.

- And you're Mr. Alan Ross?
- No, but I'm his father.

Biologically. The man I consider
my actual father couldn't be here.

He is... in character.

Preparing for an audition.

Got it.

That makes sense to you?

Totally.

- This way.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

Parents over there.

[alarm beeps]

[alarm stops]

[Mexican theme playing]

[in character]
I'll be right back.

Was that an accent?

[techno music playing]

Which one is your boy?

The one getting his stomach creamed
by the man.

That's a great-looking kid.

Great face. Great bod.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

- Which one is yours?
- He's still in makeup.

- Randy Hotchkiss.
- Hi.

Oh, I know your name.
I heard your name before.

I had a pretty good run in the arts.

You probably saw a few covers
with this ugly mug on them.

- So, your son is...
- Zeenee!

- Hey. Where do you want me?
- Zene.

What are you doing? I thought
you were just coming to cheer me on.

Don't ask me, dude. They somehow
roped me in to anchoring this thing.

- They did? How?
- Yeah!

Oh, you know,
they just kept on calling me.

And they kept upping the money.

Whatever, dude.
No one's gonna see this.

- It's f*cking Sunglass Hut, you know?
- Yeah.

Right.

Oh, yeah.

- She's looking good today.
- Yeah.

Zene's hitting that one over there.

Kid gets so much puss.

I'm a proud papa.

Yeah, you must be. Yeah.

- Luke getting any?
- I don't know.

Actually, we don't really talk about that.

So, he's not.

Javi! Maybe put Zeenee up on the forklift.

Separate him from the group a little.

You got it, Randy.

We're bringing...

Zene, chin down! Come on.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Luca!

Hey!

Luca, what are you doing?

- You're about to sh**t now.
- I'm not sh**ting anything.

- Is this about Zene?
- Why do you care? You can't do anything.

You think I cannot go and talk to Javi
and move you to the fork?

I think he'd laugh in your face.

- No. Let me... Wait a minute.
- Gad.

You serious?

Done. You are on the fork.

- Did you just f*cking pay him?
- No. He knew me.

- He was in France. He's a fan...
- I saw you pay him.

Okay, I gave him a little.
I saw you were upset.

I want to help.

Yeah, I didn't want it that way.
I wanted this on my own.

And they want Zene up front.
Okay, he has the pecs and I don't.

What the f*ck with those pecs?

I've never heard of this before.

So, what? Zene has the pecs.

It's not about the pecs.
It's about what's underneath the pecs.

And that's what you have. He doesn't.

[Mexican music plays]

[door shuts]

Jason?

What the f*ck?

Luke?

Chaz is ready for you in Hair.

Okay.

- Okay. Last time you washed?
- Wednesday.

- Morning?
- Night.

Okay.

Is it important, day or night for the...

The hair? They need to sleep or...

And no product, right?

Just a little paste.

- What?
- A little paste.

- The email said no product.
- What email?

The one we sent last night.

The one that very specifically says
that Chaz doesn't work with product.

- Did you get an email?
- No.

- Did Jason send you the email?
- I swear no.

No emails from the...

Nothing.

I'm sorry. We just never got the email
but that stuff washes out real quick.

He won't work the hair?

[Chaz overheard on radio]

- [radio click]
- It's paste.

- [radio click]
- Copy that.

I'm afraid I'm going to have
to send you home.

You can leave your romper
and sunglasses in the dressing room.

- Are you serious?
- Thank you so much.

Luca, please.

Luca, listen. No!

What the f*ck, Gad?
What the f*ck?

I swear, it was a mistake. I never got
this email they're talking about.

Jason obviously sent you the email.

He'd never forget something
this important.

- Let me talk to the girl with...
- Why?

Why Gad? So, you just f*ck it up
some more?

- No. I'm going to...
- You've already f*cked up enough.

I'm going to try to fix it.

[outgoing call tone]

[phone buzzing]

Marco.

[Luke] Gad f*cked it up.

Okay? They cut me.

Because I had product in my hair.
And he didn't read the email you sent him.

- Email?
- Oh, come on, J!

The one they sent last night.

What... What is email?

Now auditioning: Jason Alanross.

- Yeah, that's me. It's Alan... Ross.
- Oh, whatever.