01x02 - And All Through the House

[bunniefuu]

h*, h*, h*, kiddies! Just your old pal the Crypt Keeper having a little holiday fun.

Why else would I be in this getup unless there was a "Claus" in my contract? In fact, I've got some Christmas goose for you goose bumps, that is.

Yes, indeedy.

A little terror tale, chock
-full of holiday fear I mean cheer, of course.

So get a gander of a Yuletide yelp
-yarn that goes a little something like this: "'Twas the night before Christmas "and all through the house" " God bless us, everyone.

" Right.

Something needs to be done about that fire.

Have you got the poker? Yes.

Well, let me have it.

What did you say? What are you, deaf? I said, let me have it.

Merry Christmas, you son of a b*tch! Mommy? Carrie.

Mommy, where is he? Did he bring me stuff yet? You're supposed to be in bed, young lady.

But he's here.

I saw him.


- Who?
- Santa Claus.

Come on, now.

But I saw him.

He was outside.

Good night, Joseph.

How come Joseph didn't say good night to me? He's asleep, sweetheart, like you're supposed to be.

But when Santa comes he'll wake Joseph up.

Honey, I don't think even Santa could wake up your stepfather.

You get to sleep, young lady, or the big guy won't come at all.

I can't sleep.

It's too hot.

See, you're even sweating.

Well, I'll tell you what, then.

I'm gonna open this window for you but just a little bit, okay? The one thing you didn't ask for for Christmas, young lady was a cold.

What did you want for Christmas, Mommy? I already got it, sweetheart.

I already got it.

Hey, it's the Vic monster.

I'm out partying.

Leave your name, number, and measurements.

Darling, it's Elizabeth.

I know you told me not to call, but I just had to tell you.

It's done.

I did it.

It's all ours, the money, everything.

We're free.

Merry Christmas, darling.

And a very happy new year.

Oh, Jesus, Joseph! How many times have I asked you to lose some weight? Come on, Joseph.

We'll continue our music for Christmas Eve after KETnews on the hour.

Now here's Tracy Donahue with the headlines.

Police and sheriffs' departments in the Gaines County area have issued an all points bulletin this evening for a male Caucasian reported to have brutally m*rder*d four women in the Pleasantville area.

County authorities say that the man a patient at the Pleasantville Institute for the Criminally Insane escaped earlier this evening and should be considered extremely dangerous.

Officials confirm that the suspect is a heavyset man in his late 40s and is reported to be wearing a Santa Claus suit stolen from the home of one of his victims.

All citizens in the Pleasantville
-Gaines area are advised to remain in their homes until further notice throughout this emergency
-alert situation.

A few sit
-ups a trip to the gym once in a while it wouldn't have k*lled you.

How about a nice, cold plunge, Joseph? Now you're dead.

Who's there? Hello? No!
- Operator.


- Operator! Get me the police! You've got to help me! Give me your location, ma 'am.

My location? It's Hello?
- Hello?
- Mrs.

Kamen? Yes.

This is Sgt.

Feldstein at the Pleasantville Police Station.

We're calling everyone in your immediate vicinity about the man who escaped from the mental hospital tonight.

Have you heard anything about it on the news? No.

Well, ma 'am, he's k*lled a couple of people.

We have reports he's wearing an old Santa Claus suit.

We're sending deputies to all area homes just to check up.


- You're sending the police here?
- Yes, ma 'am.


- Here?
- That's right, ma 'am.

There should be a man in your area in about 20 minutes.


- Twenty minutes?
- Yes, ma 'am.

Yeah, okay Is there anything else I should know about this individual? Not really, ma 'am.

He's apparently used an ax to k*ll his victims.

I don't mean to alarm you, but for your protection we do suggest you lock your home, and remain indoors until the deputy arrives.

Yes.

I will.

Thank you.

Don't panic.

Oh, no, Officer! I didn't k*ll him.

Santa did it.

Didn't you, Santa? Didn't you? Santa! You got to be kidding me.

That's it, Joseph.

Damn! Operator.

The k*ller is here! Please get me the police! I knocked him out! He's here.

You've got to hurry!
- He's there?
- Yes! He k*lled my husband! Give me your location.

My location? Hello? Ma 'am? He's got an ax, and he's outside! Oh, God, please hurry! Ma 'am, please calm down.

Tell me where you are.

Please! You've got to help me! Hurry! Stay on the line.

Do you have a weapon in the house, anything you can protect yourself with? Joseph's g*n.

Oh, my God! Carrie's window.

No! Carrie! I'm coming! I knew you were here, Santa.

Come on up.

I've been waiting all night.

No! Watch out, Santa, don't slip.

Please! Come on, slowpoke.

Hurry up, you big old Santa.

Where are my presents, Santa? Help me! Carrie! I'm coming! Here, Santa.

I'll help you.

Carrie!
- Oh, no!
- Mommy.

Thank goodness.

See, Mommy? I told you Santa would come and he didn't even have to come down the chimney.

I let him in.

No! Naughty or nice? Well how was that for a scream boys and ghouls? Oh, don't worry about little Carrie.

This particular Santa preferred older women in pieces, that is.

Well, it just goes to show you be very careful of what you "ax" for for Christmas.

You might just get it.