04x20 - Basher Malone

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

[indistinct chatter, shouts]

[grunting]

[indistinct shouts]

[grunts]

[shouting]

[yells]

Lockjaw is looking
real mean tonight.

[grunting]

ln his own corner,
Basher's in trouble.

lt's the reverse headlock!

Chocolate chip
or peanut butter, sweetie?

Chocolate chip, Mom.

[Basher grunts]

[crowd jeering]

[fierce grunt]

[cheering, shouting]

[indistinct shouts, chatter]

Rip his arm off
and feed it to him, you puke!

Gouge his eyes out!

-Hit him!
-Bite him!

[grunting]

Come on, Basher,
give him a hiplock!

[grunting]

[cheering, whistling]

Don't try to wrestle him,
you ninny!

Basher's got Lockjaw tied up
in his own corner.

lt looks like a great opening
for Basher.

Only women fight fair!

But look at that!

Ryan has handed his fighter
the brass knuckles!

Another typical dirty move
by Ryan!

Come on, Basher, clobber him!

[indistinct shouts, chatter]

Go!

[crowd booing]

[bell clangs]

[grunting]

Cookies?!

Didn't you forget
the strained carrots?

-Ooh!
-[crowd booing]

[indistinct shouts, booing]

You dirty little slime.

You little...

[yells]

Oh... Whoa!

[rhythmic grunting]

Basher's the top dog now.

That's who they're
cheering for-- hah!

lt ain't over yet.

Whoa-whoa-whoa...!

Ooh!

Time for your
cookies and milk, sweetie.

Okay, Mom.

Basher Malone is
about to administer

the coup de grace
with his patented Basher-gram.

And you know what that is--

that's a one-way ticket
to la-la land!

[grunting, panting]

[cheering]

[Lockjaw grunts]

Cupcake!

You've had a real vendetta

against the fighters
on Tippy Ryan's team

ever since you came into
professional wrestling, Basher.

Until l came on the scene,

Tippy Ryan's th*gs
were the only role models

that impressionable
young children had

in pro wrestling.

Kids need a righteous hero,
like myself, to look up to.

A square-dealing,
straight-sh**ting,

clean-fighting man.

TlPPY:
Heh!

Oh-h*, this must be
a humiliating experience

for you, Tippy Ryan.

Basher Malone has degraded,
debased, de-maimed

and dismantled every fighter
in your stable.

[Tippy muttering]

MAN: Tippy, what do you
want to do with this guy?

[indistinct crowd shouts]

Get him out of the ring,

-you jerk!
-Ooh!

You help him!

Don't just stand there!

[booing, shouting]

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is not a very pretty sight.

[phone ringing]

Yeah?

Yeah, listen, boss...

there's no way
l can beat Basher Malone

with the wimps
you keep sending me.

l need your top g*n--
a skull crusher!

No, no, no, no, listen, boss,

if l get Basher Malone
in the ring

with one of your boys from
the Fire and Brimstone League,

our troubles'll be over.

Yeah.

[chortling]

And, kids, don't forget
what the Basher tells you.

Brush your teeth

after every meal,
do your homework,

and listen to your mom
when she...

[cigar hisses]

l got the meanest,
the slimiest,

the dirtiest fighter
of all time,

if you've got the guts,
Basher Malone.

What's the matter,
you need a note from your mommy?

Any time and any place,
you pencil-neck.

Midnight, my gym.

No audience, no refs...

no holds barred.

Don't worry, Mom,
l know what l'm doing.

l'm gonna nip this thing
right in the bud.

MOM: Though l walk through
the valley of darkness,

l fear no evil,

because my son is
the toughest son of a g*n

in the whole darn valley.

TlPPY:
How touching.

Where's your fighter?

[distorted keypad beeps]

[line ringing]

Yeah, this is Tippy Ryan.

Can you send up
my special order, please?

Of course l've got
an account with ya!

Jerk.

[switches clank,
electricity hums]

Who are you?

My job is to get
impressionable young kids

to root for dirty fighters
like Lockjaw Lukasec!

And my client
takes over from there.

Well, l happen to be
very good at my work.


a steady stream

of the dirtiest fighters

for the,
for the wrestling profession!

My wrestlers have-have
gouged and kicked

and maimed their way to the top!

Most important of all...

a whole generation of kids

grew up with these lowlifers
as their heroes!

Then you come along...

and now everybody wants
to cheer for the good guy.

Everybody wants to cheer
for you, Basher Malone.

Everybody wants to wear
Basher Malone T-shirts

and walk little old ladies
across the street.

They want to look like you,
Basher Malone,

they want to talk like you,
they want to dress like you!

Worst of all, they want to be
drippy Goody Little Two-shoes

just like you, Basher Malone!

Well, you want to fight evil?

l'll give you evil.

l'll give you something
that a true crusader

only dreams about.

l'll give you the real thing.

[eerie crackling, whirring]

[whirring grows louder]

[woman speaks indistinctly]

Oh...

[deep, distorted moaning]

[growling]

[growling]

[whooshing stops]

Basher Goody Two-shoes Malone,

meet your next
and final opponent...

Trog!

[growling]

[growling]

[whirring]

He's accustomed to a much
warmer climate down there.

Folks...

show time.

[growling]

All right, come on,
come on, both of you.

Now, on my left...

he weighs 267 pounds,

he's the challenger,

from Good Ship Lollipop Land...

[Trog growling]

...Basher Malone.

TlPPY:
You might say that

Trog is a true product
of his environment.

His weight rises

with the inverse ratio of the
purity of his opponent's soul.

By that, l mean...
the more sinful his opponent,

the heavier he becomes.

[beeping]

And some of those sinners
down there,

he has hit as high
as 80,000 pounds.

My boy is as pure
as the driven snow.

his fight will be two falls
out of three, winner take all,

and if you win, Basher...
[chortles]

l will close up shop

and send all my fighters

back to where they came from.

But if my fighter wins,
you, Basher,

retire from the ring forever

and Trog takes possession
of the title

and Trog becomes the idol
of millions and millions

of impressionable children.

Oh, Basher, no.

Oh.

[Trog grunts]

l just wanted
to wish you good luck.

[Trog growling]

-MOM: Basher!
-[Trog growls, Basher groans]

[Trog laughs]

[both grunting]

[groaning]

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-[Trog growling]

[grunting]

[coughs]

All right, Trog, yeah, get him!

All right, get him down there!

Come on, baby,
do it for me, come on.

[Trog laughing, Basher groaning]

Trog T-shirts,
Trog coloring books, Trog dolls!

Ursula dolls!

Yeah, children playing with Trog
and Ursula dolls together!

Yeah, yeah!

l love it!

[groans]

You can't let him win, Basher.

Think of the children.

[Trog laughing, Basher groaning]

The Basher-gram,
the Basher-gram.

[both grunting]

Send him back
where he came from.

[both grunting]

The harder you strain,
the heavier he gets.

My Basher's a good boy.

The Greeks call it hubris--

the sin of excessive pride.

Basher Malone

has a very high opinion
of himself.

Don't you, Basher?

[both grunting]

Yeah, with Basher's ego,

l figure Trog ought to top


[both grunting]

-[Trog laughing]
-Whoa!

[both grunting]

[laughing]

Good night, lrene.

[laughing]

[Trog growling]

[Basher groaning]

[Trog chuckling]

[Trog laughing, growling]

''Blessed are the meek, for they
shall inherit the earth.''

[chuckles]

What am l gonna do?

l can't win
without my Basher-gram.

There's more than one way
to skin a cat.

l've been working
on some strategy.

l don't need no strategy.

l'm the best there is.

Nobody can beat me
two out of three falls.

[growling]

[Basher groans]

[Trog growling, Basher groaning]

All right, put him away,
put him away.

[Basher yells]

[both grunting]

[Trog laughing, Basher groaning]

[laughter]

[Basher groaning]

[whooping]
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Go, go!

[Trog grunting]

URSULA:
Oh... oh!

[Ursula grunting]

You look a little peaked.

How about
some ice-cold lemonade?

[Trog screams, Ursula gasps]

Just trying to be helpful.

[grunting]

[Trog screeching]

[both grunting]

[sobbing]

[Basher grunts]

One, two, three!

[Mom cackling]

[Tippy wheezes]

[groaning]

But, sweetie, you haven't had
your cookies and milk.

l don't need
no cookies and milk,

and l don't need my Basher-gram.

l'm Basher Malone and l can lick
anybody in the place.

Pride comes before the fall,
young man.

That could be just
what they're counting on.

-[dismissive groan]
-So you're such a big shot now,

you don't have to listen
to your mom anymore.

[groaning]

Oh, baby, oh.

[Ursula moaning, Trog growling]

[both grunting]

[Basher yells]

[both grunting]

Basher, no, you can't lift him.

[both grunting]

[Trog laughs]

[Basher grunts]

[Trog laughing, Basher groaning]

What? What?

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

[Basher straining]

[growling]

[grunting]

No, not milk! Aah!

[sizzling, hissing]

[screaming continues]

Oh, baby.

[growling]:
Oh, no... Oh, no...

Oh, no.

You're the only friend
he ever had.

[growling]

[Trog chortles]

[both grunting]

[Trog laughing, Basher groaning]

One, two...

Finish him off, you wart head!

[both grunting]

No, no, you don't,
no more tricks.

Time to get rid of this
once and for all.

Mom...!

[Trog chuckles]

Mom!

Get out of the way!

Mom, l need you.

[Trog grunting]

[Trog grunting]

[Trog whimpers, Basher grunts]

[Basher laughs]

[Trog whimpering]

Get out of the way!
Come on, move it!

[Tippy muttering angrily]

Move it!

[chuckles nervously]

l... l think you dropped this,
young lady.

Bon voyage, Tippy Ryan.

l'm gonna send you to Hell,
one piece at a time.

Basher, it's not
for us to judge.

Sorry, Mom.

Basher, don't litter.

[Trog grunting,
Tippy screaming]

[coin clinks]

When's the last time
l took you out to dinner?

Never.

Well, l just happen
to know a place

where the steaks are so big,
the waiters all wear trusses.

Oh.

l'll take mine rare.

You got it, Mom.

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time,
try to enjoy the daylight.