03x20 - The Swap

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

MAN:
This is it, Mama.

Your recipe

for making one spirit
trade bodies with another.

Soul switching.
[frog croaking]

That's what I want.

Got to get this brew right.

Get those spirits
switching places, yeah.

[mutters]: Yes, I got the...
eh, zygote of a hen, now...

got the claw of crow.

The sap of birch.

Um... here we got the...

snake eye mash,
garden variety.

And...

[frog croaks]

...drop of rat's blood.

Right.

[scoffs]

I'll get it, Mama.

[sighs]

[frog croaks]

Oh, yeah.

Come on, drink.

Switch with the birdie.

Wouldn't you rather be
a pretty, yellow c*ck?

You don't want to be an ugly
old frog all your life, do you?

[sighs]

[croaking]

Get your spirit moving!

[croaking]

[knocking at door]

Come to play house, little wife?

Hmm.

[sighs]

Not right now, Bubba.

Hmm, what are you
bothering me for?

This dining room is more
of a disgrace every day.

Why-Why don't you let me
decorate it up,

like I done
with the living room?

I know how
to make things pretty.

No. This is my work here.
Don't you never touch it!

Great discoveries will come
from these things.

Oh, pooh.

Pooh?

You just remember my mama was

the greatest conjure woman
Louisiana ever saw.

And I have all
her secrets now.

Hmm.

I will make magic here.

A lot of old Louisiana hokum.

Hokum?!

[laughs]

And how do you think it is

Mama got all her millions, huh?

From the oil rigs
out in the swamp.

Well, then, how is it

nobody else 'round here never
found no oil out there, huh?

Maybe they could have used
a little bit of Mama's hokum.

I'm sorry, Bubba.

I don't want
to be fighting with you.

I just get sort of
irritated-like,

being stuck way out here.

Why don't you let Claude
drive me into Breaux Bridge?

So, you want to
go into town

with that White Tr*sh
farm boy, huh?

Just for a little while.

No, you ain't
going nowhere.

You're gonna
stay in tonight,

play house with Bubba.

Oh, but I don't want
to play house.

Not every night.

Well, I do!

That's why I put it in
the marriage contract.

You get all my
money when I die...

[c*ck chirps]

...so long as you
play house with me

every night
when I'm alive.

And I'm alive,
sweet thing.

I'm alive.

And I am not in the mood!

Well, you just
better see to it

that you are
in the mood

when I come around
to fetch you later.

Oh, go on, get
out of here.

Go on! Scat!

[c*ck chirps]

[insects chittering outside]

[sighs]

He said I can't go.

[sighs]

Damn!

Well, let's

just go, anyway.

We'll get us some
cheap wine and...

get into that
cheap motel and...

why, have us some
real cheap fun.

Oh. Somehow he'd know.

He's creepy that way.

Don't it just make you
sick to death,

having him touch you
all over?

And even...
It don't matter.

I just ain't never
gonna be poor again.

Ain't nothing worse than being
poor in a poor swamp town.

Oh, Claude,

it won't be forever.

Oh, Bubba's not well.

[doors slide open]
He's got a
bad heart.

Bedtime.

Come, wife.

Come!

[bed springs squeaking
rhythmically]

BUBBA:
Ooh-wee!

[insects chittering]

Book of Poisons?

[laughs]
Huh.

[hammering]

Morning.

Sleep well?

[scoffs]
How could I?

Hearing you and him together
so loud and all.

There, there, baby.

Pay no mind to that.

Just shut your eyes

and think of you and me
together with all his money.

Uh, I was thinking.

I-I might move on.

T-Till he was
gone. I mean...

Take my old Chevy up
to Tennessee.

Kentucky, even.

No.

You can't leave me alone
way out here.

Hey.

I'll make it up to you, Claude.

I swear, I will.

[loud breathing]

So, the little wifey's
getting handy

with the handyman.

Guess it's time
to call the judge.

Add me a condition
to that will.

Pardonnez-moi.

Who's this judge person?

Judge Jean Baptiste,
his little parasite pal.

He's the one that wrote out the
marriage contract in the will.

And he can add conditions?

Agreement is, if Bubba finds
me touching another man,

he gets to add one
small condition.

It's nothing.

And the money?

I get it all.

Can't change that.

Not unless I leave him

or deny him
his gentlemanly pleasures.

Damn!

Baby, I want him dead.

Oh, God help me, so do I.

I was in his dining
room last night.

Place is full
of poisons.

For all his brews.

Well, everyone knows

it's him who buys those poisons,
don't they?

[sighs] And everyone knows
it's always him

who's experimenting
with them, right?

Right.

So, we get him
to drink something.

Something
special like.

And everyone'll
know for sure...

That he accidentally
k*lled himself, yes?

Let's do it.

Mm, yes.

Caught you, did he?

Oh, Bubba!

Here come
the judge.

[insects chittering]

It's called the
transmigration
of the spirits.

Mama always thought

this recipe could
make it happen.

You know, switch places
with another person's spirit?

Kick 'em right out
of their own body,

so when you gets too old,

you can take over the body
of a young 'un.

And then you can go on,

taking new bodies,

on and on

and live forever, see?

Oh, I want to live forever.

I do, I do.

Be young forever. Oh, boy!

Only thing is,

one of the
ingredients is faded.

Can sorta make out an "E" there,
but that's all.

So, Judge,

what's a witch's
ingredient,

two centuries old,
seven letters long

and has an "E" in it?

Heroin.

No, that's six letters!

Besides, Mama was always
dead set against drugs,

you know that.

Mmm, research,
research.

I'll find it.

And Mama will help.

Oh, yes, mamas always help.

Very helpful creatures.
Yes, sir.

And now...

I gots me a new condition
for that will.

10:00.

Ain't he never
gonna leave?

[chuckling]

Now.

Go!

[flirty chuckle]

Oh, Bubba.

[snoring gently]

I think it's bedtime.

[singsong]:
Time to play house.

[singsong]:
Time for

a real special treat.

[grunts, sighs]

Now, you just let
your Anna Belle ride

the big, bad bull.

[snorting]

[groans]

Ooh, hired hand
gonna watch?

What you got there, boy?
A camera?

Gonna take dirty pictures?

Yeah, that's it.

Here, doll, get
his other hand.

Ooh, kinky stuff!

Mm-hmm.
[chuckles]

Help me with his
feet, will ya, darlin'?

Here you go.

There.
That's right.

I've been waiting a long
time for this, Bubba.

Boy, we're gonna have some fun
tonight, sweet thing.

What are you lookin' at?

Hmm?

Care for a nightcap?

I've been reading up
about all your poisons here.

This hemlock one.

It's real fast.

And real, real quiet.

Perfect for a good, stiff
drink...

for a stiff like you.

A final drink...

for my humpback hubby.

No!

m*rder makes the will
null and void.

You won't get a penny.

[giggles]
This ain't m*rder.

It's mercy k*lling.

Yeah, it's gonna put
me out of my misery.

[muffled groans]
I got a better idea.

[grunting, gasping]

Now, now, say "Ah!"

[muffled grunting]

Mama!

[groans, gasps]

Your being...
it's over.

Die, you scum!

[groaning stops]

We gotta get him
in his chair,

make it look like he was
working. [grunts]

Now I know what they
mean by "deadweight."

[screams]

What the...? Whoa!

[thud]

[gasping]

[insects chittering]

And this last one.

Law certainly requires
a lot of handwritin',

doesn't it?

There.

Now, is the money mine?

Finally?

[high-pitched]:
"Finally?"

Doesn't sound like you exactly
miss old Bubba, now does it?

Well, it's been two weeks
he's been in the ground.

Just how long's a body
supposed to droop around

in ugly black dresses, anyway?

[laughs]

"Ugly black dresses,"
that's good.

[sighs]: Old Bubba.

He really believed in all this
voodoo stuff, didn't he?

All those experiments
with birds and frogs.

Except turns out, he was the one
that croaked and flew away.

[laughs]

Please.

I should tend to Claude.

He's only been out
of the hospital a day.

Are we done?
Oh, positively.

It's all yours now.

Subject only to that
one minor condition.

Oh, that's right.
What is it?

Just says here, you have to
marry one Claude Altoose

within one month
of Bubba's funeral.

But Bubba was so jealous
of Claude.

Why would he ever?

Bubba loved you very much,
Anna Belle.

It's a shame you never
really knew how much.

And he was dog
determined

you be happy after
he was gone.

He knew how
crazy you was

about that young
stud in there.

He used to talk about that.

And he wanted to make sure

you got everything you wanted

after he was gone.

[sighs]

Well, I'll be.

ANNA BELLE:
Thanks again, Judge.

[door shuts]

All done?

All but that new
condition.

Yeah, and what's that?

Oh... just that
I get the money

only if I get married
real soon to you.

Huh?

Seems like the old troll
really did care

if I'd be happy.

So, make me happy,
Claude.

Marry me.

M-Marry you?

Yes, ma'am!

I'm gonna go into town right now
for the license.

We can have the ceremony
in a couple days.

Think I'll even get the judge
to do it right here.

Sure.

Why spend money
on a big wedding?

We only got a few million.

[laughs]

[groans]

Damn.

My shoulder.

It's so stiff.

From all this lying around, huh?

Hey.

See you later, hubby.

And so, by the power
vested in me

by the glorious state
of Louisiana,

I pronounce you man and wife.

[organ plays "Wedding March"]

[Baptiste laughing]

Oh, that was fun.

I reckon that was about
the best little ol' weddin'

I ever did see. Wouldn't
you agree, Master Claude?

Sure was the best one
I ever was in.

[chuckling]

Claude, what's that?

BAPTISTE: Oh, you know
bandages-- they make all

sorts of messes.

Now then, here's something
you both should know.

It's your very own copy of
the Napoleonic Code.

What is it?

Oh, Louisiana customs

about community property
and marriage.

Means what's yours is now
his, and vice versa.

A-Almost.

Well, we already
arranged for that.

Oh, goody good good.

Well, now you two have a long,
long life together.

And be sure to take lots of time
to have just bunches of fun,

if you know what I mean.

Good day, Mrs. Altoose.

Good day to you, Judge.
And thank you.

It was a right fittin'
ceremony, Judge.

[chuckling]

[chuckling continues]

Come, wife.

Why, wherever
are you taking me, sir?

Into the dining room.

Why there?

Feels appropriate.

No.

But I want to do it in there.

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna.

Come on.

All right.

Serves the old creep right.

After you, darlin'.

Oh, thank you.

Finally! Finally!

Ah.

You kept this.

Looked so old,

I thought it might
be worth something.

Oh... I think it's
worth a lot.

So, what'll we do now,
husband?

You know, these Louisiana
laws, I think they really

stick us together
tight with the money.

[chuckles]
Good.

[sighs]

Your bad hand. Careful.

It's all better now.

Here, take off
the bandages.

Claude, what's happening?

Me and Claude, we done
switched places, Anna Belle.

What are you saying?

Stop it!

You thought you was
getting a whole new man.

But you just went and married
ol' Bubba all over again.

Stop it, Claude!

Bubba's dead and gone.

See, I knew how bad you
wanted a young buck.

That's why I hired Claude.

And then as soon as I found the
missing ingredient in the brew,

I was gonna switch
myself with Claude.

But you and lover boy,

you went and found the right
thing, just like that.

Hemlock. [chuckles]

Hemlock did the trick.

No, Bubba's in the ground.

I saw them put dirt
on the coffin!

You just buried o''
Bubba's body.

But you sent little Claude's
spirit so far away,

he ain't never gonna
find his way back.

[chuckles]

But don't you worry.

You got your Bubba.

You got him
right here.

It can't be true! It can't!

Oh.

[Bubba's voice]:
Come on, Anna Belle.

Let's play house.

[echoing]: Let's play house
for the rest of your life.

[laughing]

[screaming]

[Bubba laughing maniacally]

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time, try
to enjoy the daylight.