02x13 - Comet Watch

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Hello, Englebert. It's 8:00.

It's 8:00.

Good evening, Sir Edmond Halley.

This is your night.

Your night.

"When beggars die,
there are no comets seen.

The Heavens themselves blaze
forth the death of princes."

Ah, Shakespeare, you understood.

This is Englebert Ames.

The day has arrived.

As you know, I am prepared.

Halley's Comet should soon be
within sighting distance.

[laughs]

I will now prepare
the telescope.

What are you doing?

Papa called.
Oh.

Dinner with the Darby
Bankers Group representatives

is at 9:00.

Tonight?

Black tie.

Oh, uh, you'll have
to give them my apology.

I can't make it
tonight.

Papa has bent over backwards
to teach you

about imminent foreclosure
and quantitative marketing.

I'm sorry, butter cakes.

Papa says you are erratic
at work, Englebert.

Erratic doesn't
cut it.

I think you better show up
for dinner tonight.

Any other night.

It's that stupid
Haily's Comet, isn't it?

No, it's Halley's, actually.

Charlene,

think about it.

Halley's Comet comes once

every 75.8 years.

It comes closest
to the Earth tonight.

I will not let a comet
put me in the poorhouse.

I should have never let
you keep that stupid thing

when Papa bought
us the house.

I should've
thrown it out.

See this?

You wouldn't.

Watch me.

No, Charlene!

[yells, grunts]

I'm gonna smash
that stupid telescope!

Charlene!

[gasps]

This is a night
for lovers.

We can look
into that telescope
and confront mystery,

majesty, the cosmos!

There's a shower of
diamonds up there!

Don't sweet-talk me.

There's just a bunch of
ice and gas and dirt

swirling around out there
for no earthly reason.

You remember that night

we spent under
the fall in Copernica?

[laughs]

But that was
ten years ago,

and it made my head
ache for a week!

Now, you promised to give
up all this comet talk

and... work hard for Papa.

Now, I'll tell Elvis
to get the car ready.

Pull!

[sighs]: I'll tell Papa
we're on our way.

My fingers are already
dialing the phone.

Ten minutes.

No, Charlene, you'll
have to go without me.

Tell him that I have a virus.

I'll do no such thing!

You know best, dear.

You know where you
can shove your comet, buster!

Hello, stars.

Englebert Ames here.

Ah, there you are, Capella.

Ooh, Ursa Major,
you're very bright tonight.

No moon tonight.

Perfect night for stargazing.

Wha...?

What's that?

Help...!

[rumbling]

[wind rushing]
Shut it down!

Please! Close it!

[wind dying down]
Is it closed?

I don't want him following me.

Who are you?

I live here.

But this is my house.

I've never seen you before.

You must be mistaken.

Your house?

My father
left it to me.

Did... did you just come
through this telescope?

[gasps]: My hat!

Whew! I paid the better part
of a dollar for this hat.

It's a merry widow.

The latest style.

Pinch me.

Excuse me?

I want to make sure
I'm flesh and blood.

I don't... want to pinch you.

It's only a pinch! Please?

[laughs]:
I felt that.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I never thought
I'd make it back,

not in a million light-years.

Back... from where?

I rode the comet.

You rode the comet?

Are you here
for my wedding?

Who are you?

I'm...
Uh, n-never mind.

We'll talk at the reception.

But please,
do wear a cravat and...

morning coat.

[laughs]: I have to get
downstairs to get married!

Oh.

Where's Dr. Bachman?

Do you need a doctor?

You really should
wear a handlebar.

I just don't think a man's
upper lip is attractive.

Well, what time is it?

Uh, it's 8:15.

You wear your timepiece
on your arm?

[laughs]:
Well, y...

Or, um, I can...

listen to this.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Englebert,
it's comet watch time.

Don't miss it.

It's 8:15.
Who said that?

My clock.

I-Is that a kind of gramophone?

I have a gramophone.

Right over there.

It was over there.

It's gone!

And I had such nice
lace curtains on that window!

What year is this?

1985.

[gasps]:
Oh, no!

But Dr. Bachman and I were...

were going to watch
Halley's Comet together and...

and then get married.

September 3...

1910.

I guess I missed it.

Would you like a Kleenex?

No, I'm not hungry.

[laughs]:
No.

It's... to-to wipe your tears.

I have my own hankie.

I never liked them, either.

Am I old and ugly?

Excuse me?
I'm...

95 years old!

Oh.

Do you have a glass?

What would you like in it?

A looking glass.

Oh.

Certainly.

Mirror.

I've held up very well.

I'm Laura Burn...
My name is
Englebert...

...Ames.

Laura Burns.

You know, maybe I am hungry.

I haven't eaten in 75 years.

Oh, I have a chicken
sandwich.

I love chicken.

Oh, no. Uh, that's...

I usually, uh,

take the plastic wrap off.

Oh.

Hmm.

Mmm!

Mmm. This is wonderful!

Good.

Would you perhaps have a beer?

A what? A-A beer?

Mm-hmm.

Oh. Yes.

I was Miss Foam
of Upstate New York.

1910.

You must be
very strong.

Oh, no. It's...

It's nothing.

So,

you came through my telescope.

My telescope.

I had it built in 1908.

Oh, well, it's a...
it's a very nice telescope.

I had to come
through that thing.

It's the way
I went out.

That's him!

You...

You met Halley?

I had no choice.

There's a window out there.

A window?

Right here

between out there
and down here.

It only opens

when Halley's Comet comes close
to the earth, like tonight.

When I looked
through the telescope,

I saw the window.

And then,
everything started to shake,

and I was drawn
right up the scope.

I was floating
in the breeze.

And then Edmond reached out
and grabbed me,

and he pulled me up
onto his comet.

Oh!

75 years...

...with Edmund.

And now... here I am.

I didn't mean to just
drop in on you.

Oh... that's...

perfectly all right.

You must be a stargazer.

It's a hobby.

I've always found stargazers
to be extraordinary people.

Oh?

Do you live
in my house alone?

CHARLENE:
Englebert.

No, not exactly.

Could you get into the
closet, please?

What?
CHARLENE:
Englebert.

Into the closet, quick!

[panting]

Elvis is waiting in the car.

Now stop this nonsense
and get dressed for dinner.

Charlene, I can't go.

I have had it up to here,
Englebert,

with your childish games!

Now it is time to grow up
and take some responsibility!

[clanging]
What the...?

Oh!

Hello.

Who are you?

Charlene!

Close the telescope!

Who is she?

He's coming after me!

Englebert!

[groans]

Englebert!

Gadzooks!

Uh... how do you do?

Englebert!
Uh, thank you,

uh, very much for, uh,
cushioning my fall.

Allow me, madam.

[both grunting]

I say, you're all woman,
aren't you?

[both sigh]

Mother will never
believe this.

I seem to be reasonably
together.

Egads!

Nothing like that in my day.

What happened?

What happened?!

A flip-flop of a most
serious nature, madam,

is what happened.

Tumbling through
the atmosphere

into the noxious
gases of America.

I apologize for squishing
any part

of your, uh, anatomy.

Laura!

Laura, thank heaven
I have found you.

Edmund, I don't want you
following me.

Oh, Laura, Laura, the merest
trill of your voice

disperses a perfume
into the air.

I, uh--

ugh!

I had heard America smelled

like a decomposing minor
nebulae.

Come, Laura,
before we suffocate.

Who the hell are you?!

Are you Edmund Halley?

Your servant, sir.

Sir Edmund Halley?

Well...

I who measured
and mapped the light

was never knighted.

A gross oversight
on the part of Charles II,

who has recanted his error
in the afterlife--

too late for my reputation
in this one, I regret to say.

You've said so
many times.

A woman's place is to listen.

Edmund, you are so...

Not now, Laura.

Not before the servants.

We can discuss it
on the comet.

If...

you will excuse us.

Let go of me!

What is this?

Halloween?

Laura, come to your senses.

There is nothing here
but human life.

You can't want

to return to this gross,
material world.

But you've forgotten
about love, Edmund.

Hasn't he, Englebert?

CHARLENE:
Englebert?

Well...

Laura, you have caused me a deal
of trouble.

You must return with me

while the time window
is still open.

I wish I'd never found
the time window.

Laura, I am stunned
by your behavior.

Listen, buster!

Take your little bride with you
and get out of my house!

I'm not going back.

Englebert, you'll help me,
won't you?

My husband will do
as I tell him.

Englebert?

Englebert?

Sir, Mr. Halley,

could I speak with you
for just a second?

Man-to-man.

[chuckles]

Please, it's important.

You understand, uh, I
feel responsible.

She's a young girl,

and, uh, I want
to be sure

that you are who
you say you are.

I was born
October 29, 1656.

Right.

Please don't dally.

Laura and I must make it
through the time window.

She must be with me.

She is my consort in space.

Yes, I just want
to ask you

a couple of questions.

Uh, oh please,
uh, be seated.

I don't know
who you weirdoes are,

but Englebert and I are late for
a very important dinner party.

I don't think
you appreciate him.

HALLEY:
Laura was not meant
for mortal life.

The heavens have
adopted her.

Laura, we will detour
past Orion.

Why do you keep
looking at him?

He looks like Dr. Bachman
without a moustache.

I do?

Let's get on
with this.

Oh, uh, um,

I don't suppose you
could tell me

where you were in,
um, uh, 16... 1676?

In 1676 I catalogued


and observed the transit
of Mercury from the Island

of St. Helena.
Yes.
...of St. Helena.

Can you say as much?

No.

Pity.

I haven't accomplished
very much, I suppose.

I've always
admired you.

I take it you came
through the telescope as well.

This is a real circus.

[screams]

Don't you think
Laura

belongs with someone
more accomplished,

more commanding?

Someone who can wear
hose with a flair.

She could be the queen
of the universe.

I don't want to be queen.

CHARLENE:
Stop

looking at her like that!

I'm going to call the police.

I want these freaks out of here.

Charlene, sit down.

You can't tell me what to do.

I said sit!

Um, in, uh, 1682?

In 1682,

I observed what became
Halley's Comet

and predicted its regular return
every 75.8 years.

I am a genius.

And you?

Now, enough
of these games.

Englebert,

you will tell Laura
she must come with me

while the time window
is still open,

and we will leave you

with your charming
companion.

The entire balance

of the universe will be upset
if you detain Laura.

The stars will weep.

Englebert, do you want me to go?

Stop looking at him!

Maybe he wants me to stay.

Maybe I'll break your leg.

We'll let Englebert decide.

Oh, no, we won't.

You get back inside
that telescope

and leave
Englebert alone!

Charlene!

You can't make
me go back.

Madam, I applaud
your directness.

Laura, after you.

ENGLEBERT:
Hold it!

Englebert, listen to me.

There's going to be
a supernova next Tuesday

at 12:04 Greenwich
Mean Time here.

Discover it.

They will name it
for you.

You will be immortal!

A supernova?

Named after me?

After Laura goes
through the time window.

All right.

I'll go.

What?

I won't stay
where I'm not wanted.

Very smart.

Prepare to blast off.

You're a woman a man
would be a fool

to tangle with, Madam.

Good luck, Englebert.

I see years of the same
ahead of you.

Ready, Laura?

Madam, your most
obedient servant.

Laura!

I can't go back!

You little...

[both grunting]

Englebert, don't just
stand there.

ELECTRONIC VOICE:
It's 8:26.

Have you seen the comet?

Good heavens, the time window!

Don't dawdle, honey.

Laura, I won't let you
stay here.

This planet is destroying
itself.

[loud whooshing]
Laura!

Stay with me!

What?

I can't hear you.

Laura, give me
your hand.

We will celebrate your
coronation on Jupiter.

[screaming]

[whooshing]

You're next, sweetie.

Have a nice trip...

[whooshing]

I guess she won't
be needing this.

No, she won't.

Will she?

Not till she gets back.

Gets back?

In 75 years.

Give or take.

[giggles]

Oh, you won't recognize
the world.

Whatever happened
to Wilbur Wright?

Did he ever get his aircraft
to stay off the ground?

Oh, yes.

And men have flown to the moon
and walked on it.

Sure.

And pigs have wings.

[both laugh]

CHARLENE:
You're driving
too fast.

HALLEY:
Comets go fast,
madam.

That is the nature
of comets.

Not if I'm going to be
queen of the universe.

Oh.

I said slow
down, Ed.

We have 75 years.

Yes, your majesty.

Now, show me
the sights.

There's a very interesting
black hole

I'd like your majesty
to see.

Ooh, goody!

Well, step on it.

Yes, your majesty.

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time, try
to enjoy the daylight.