01x17 - Rocky Mountain Lie/Amazon Quiver

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hakuna matata ♪

♪ what a wonderful phrase ♪

♪ hakuna matata ♪

♪ ain't no passing craze ♪

♪ it means no worries ♪

♪ for the rest of your days ♪

♪ it's our problem-free ♪

♪ philosophy ♪

♪ hakuna matata ♪

♪ yeah! ♪

♪ Hakuna matata! ♪

♪ Timon and Pumbaa! ♪

♪ Hakuna matata! ♪

♪ It means no worries ♪

♪ for the rest of your days ♪

♪ it's our problem-free ♪

♪ philosophy ♪

♪ hakuna matata ♪

♪ Timon and Pumbaa ♪

Ooh, after dinner ants!

Are we expecting
company, Timon? Mmm.

Unfortunately, we are, Pumbaa.

My mother sent me this telegram
saying she'll be here today.

Does she still disapprove of
your hakuna matata lifestyle?

Disapprove?

She's gonna make
my life miserable

until I become a
responsible contributing

member of the meerkat society.

So what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna make it look like

I'm a responsible contributing
member of the meerkat society

and hope she'll leave me alone.

And how are you gonna do that?

I purchased a briefcase to make
it look like I've got a great, new job.

And I built this new house.

And now all I need is a wife.

Oh, no!

No, no, no! No, no, no, no!

But I've spent a fortune
on beautiful new dresses,

all size Pumbaa.

Oh, isn't there another way?

Well, what are we gonna do?

Put her in a rocket and
send her to the moon?

Besides, Pumbaa, you
said you'd do anything for me.

Don't you remember?

I'll do anything for you, Timon.

Even dress up like a woman.

Crud.

Okay, mom will
be here any minute.

So remember, no
matter what happens,

no matter what I say,
you are now my wife, Patty

and not Pumbaa,
okay? Not Pumbaa!

Yes, dear.

Good day. I'm here to issue a sizable
amount of inheritance money to Pumbaa.

No Pumbaa here.

Pumbaa! What are you doing?

You're not really Patty.

You're Pumbaa and
we could have been rich!

But you told me that no matter
what I was Patty and not Pumbaa.

Unless someone
wants to give you money.

Then you're always Pumbaa.

But what if your mother
wants to give me money?

Then you're still Patty.

Ooh, my brain hurts.

If it's my mother, you're Patty.

Timon!

My little bubbeleh.

Ma, ma, come in!
Really, come in.

It's great to have you
here. You look wonderful.

I barely recognize you.

- This is my wife.
- I'm Patty.

I've got a great, new job.

And I built this new house.

See? I'm a responsible

contributing member
of the meerkat society

and you never, ever
have to worry about

me never, ever again.
Thanks for visiting.

Love ya', bye-bye.

Timon, darling, you don't
mind if I stay a little longer.

Sweetheart, I barely
met your wife and I

just have to see
your wedding pictures.

Wedding pictures? Uh, hmm.

They were, uh,
lost in the, uh...

- Fire!
- Flood!

- Flood!
- Fire!

- I ate 'em.
- Patty ate 'em.

Oh, too bad.

You know, when Laverne's
son, ira, got married,

a professional photographer
made such a lovely wedding album.

Hmm and ira's
bride looked so slim.

Well, Patty's slim.

- Aren't you, Patty?
- Oh.

Yes and ira's wife
can also sing opera,

juggle and ride a unicycle. Ha!

♪ Camptown ladies, sing
this song doo-da, doo-da, ♪

Yeah, terrific.

And boy! Can
ira's wife cook! Ha!

Ooh, my casserole.

Why, that looks absolutely
yummy, pumpkin.

Oye, Timon.

You can't expect
to be a responsible,

contributing member of meerkat
society with a wife like that.

She's a disaster!

There's only one solution.

I'm moving in!

But ma, won't you get lonely
for your friends and want to leave

so you can be with them?

Listen, honey,

unless some rich, old movie star
wants to marry me and take me away,

I'm not going anywhere.

I do my best, but nothing is
good enough for your mother.

And you! You leave
everything lying about the house

just expecting me
to pick up after you.

Well, I'm sick of it!

And I deserve a little
more appreciation!

Stop it, Pumbaa.
You're creeping me out.

And unless you want
ma to live with us forever,

you're gonna have to dress
up like a rich, old movie star,

a little Cesar romero, get me?

Isn't there another way?

What are we gonna do?

Put her in a rocket and
send her to the moon?

Besides, Pumbaa, you
said you'd do anything for me.

Don't you remember?

I'd do anything for you, Timon.

Even dress up like
a rich, old movie star.

I wonder who that could be.

Pardon me, the name's Patrick.

It seems my limousine has
broken down in front of your house.

May I rest a spell while my
chauffeur makes repairs?

Mama! Mine eyes have never
seen such beauty all at once.

Oh!

How lovely.

I know I'm just an old,
extremely rich movie star,

but will you marry me?

Oh, I will! I will!

I mean, I would,

if I weren't so worried
about my baby, Timon.

Go on.

Patty and I will be
fine, ma. Get outta here.

Well, if only I could
meet Patty's entire family.

It would put my mind at ease

and I would never
bother you again.

I'm sure Patty's family would
absolutely love to meet you, ma.

I'll go in the kitchen
and get Patty right now.

Uh, uh, uh, I think
my chauffeur is calling.

Pumbaa, hey, listen up.

Ma wants to meet
Patty's entire family.

There is no way, no how,

I'm going to dress
up as an entire family!

What are we gonna do,

put her in a rocket and
send her to the moon?

Besides, Pumbaa, you
said you'd do anything for me.

Don't you remember?

I'd do anything for you, Timon.
Even dress up as an entire family.

- Crud again.
- And now, then,

all you have to do is memorize
the name, costume number

and brief biological description
of each family member,

keeping in mind that a pink
costume tag means birth relative

and a turquoise tag
means related by marriage.

Ready? Okay. Good. Go.

You're gonna love
Patty's family, ma.

They're a real tight knit group.

Oh, I think I hear Patty's
mother, Paula, right now.

I'm Paula, Patty's mother.

Thanks, Paula.

Now I want you to
meet Patty's father, Paul.

I'll get him.

Name's Paul. Pleasure to
make your acquaintance.

Oh... thank you.

You know, you
should meet my fiancé.

Oh, Patrick!

Uh, I'll get him.

You called, darling?

Oh, Patrick, here you are.

You've just got to
meet Patty's parents.

They're absolutely charming.

Oh, charming.
Really. Definitely.

Patrick, you really
must meet the family.

And when do I get to
meet Patty's grandparents?

And where is Patty, anyway?

- Here I am.
- You're not Patty!

- Huh?
- Right.

Grandma gets a little confused
at times. You know, cuckoo.

Get back in the
kitchen, grandma.

Now, where's Patrick?
I've gotta talk to my Patrick.

What can I do for you, dearest?

I beg your pardon. Blech!

Oops. Gotta go.

And when do I get to meet
the nieces and nephews,

cousins and second cousins?

And the baby! I've
gotta see the baby!

Waah...

You don't look
like a baby to me.

'Cause I'm not a baby.

And I'm not Patty or
Patrick, Paula, or Paul,

cousin Peter or aunt Pam!

They call me...

Mr. Pig!

Why, Timon, that looks just
like your old friend, Pumbaa.

Timon!

Timon, have you
been lying to me?

Now, tell me the truth, or you'll
break your poor mother's heart!

I'm sorry, ma. I lied. I lied.

I'm still a hakuna matata bum.

I don't have a job and
I'm not really married.

I don't even have
clean underwear.

- It's okay.
- It is?

'Cause I'm not
really your mother.

Fred? My practical-joking
friend, Fred?

- April fools!
- April fools?

April fools?

And, boy, are you
two a couple of fools.

You're great. You're amazing.

You oughta do Vegas,
the catskills, Cleveland.

North, south, east and west,

northwest and southeast
and southwestern northern

and, of course,
west of northeast...

Yes, it's time for another
exciting adventure of...

"The kingdom of the creatures"

with your host, nature's
pal, Martin partin.

Hi. Hola. Bienvenue.

Willkommen. Guten tag.

Hello and welcome.

Today I'm standing
on the Serengeti,

a broad, natural canvas
of untamed topography.

Fabulous flora
and exotic wildlife.

Take, for instance, my
very special nature pal,

dasypus novems... noves...

Never could speak
Latin... novemcinctus.

Thank you. Or, as you
at home may call him,

the armadillo.

Watch in wonderment at the way
he naturally Burrows for his food.

Pretty impressive, isn't he?

Okay, that's a take. Set up the
next shot and make it snappy!

It's as hot as the
Serengeti out here.

Uh, but um, Mr. Partin, sir,

I... are you sure armadillos
are supposed to, you know,

dig roast turkeys out of the
ground with shovels and stuff?

Oh, Ron?

Yeah?

Are you an armadillo?

Um, no, I don't... no.

Then who asked ya? And how
should I know? And who cares!

He's the armadillo!
He's the star of the show.

That's why he gets the big,
juicy steaks for lunch. See?

Now mind your own business.

Do you see what I see?

Mmm. Looks to me like a TV show.

Looks to me like a TV dinner.

Point well taken.

You mean, well done.

Yeah. How come we don't get
free steaks like that armadillo?

Because we aren't
stars. You heard the man.

The stars get the steaks.

If you want to get the tenderloin,
you gotta have the talent.

Oh, yeah? And who says
we don't got the talent?

Are you sayin', you do?

Well, I don't know if you
do or he do, but I sure do.

If you're insinuatin',

I lack the necessary qualities to be
a star on "kingdom of the creatures,"

you are sorely mistaken.

I'll show you what it means to be a star
and you can stake your dinner on it.

Um, "kingdom of the creatures,"

take, uh, two. Action!

Now, let's watch as the
armadillo, nature's little tank,

protects itself from predators by
rolling into a ball of plated armor.

Ooh.

Pretty impressive, isn't he?

What in the world?

Cut!

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, well, I call
it the fillet ballet.

Now, how 'bout
passing some of those

prime ribs over to
your new primary star?

Well, excuse me, miss.

We've got a show to do
here, so if you wouldn't mind...

Taking a little spin!

Ooh, Mr. Partin, sir...

I kinda thought she was
sorta good, you know?

Okay, wise girl,

now that you've
given it a whirl,

how would you like to
see a real star in action?

Honey, all I'm seeing is stars.

Good, then here it goes.

Meet the star that's
gonna get us the meat.

Uh, "kingdom of the creatures,"

take three, action!

During the rainy season,

the armadillo is only active
during the warmest parts of the day.

And during the hot
summer months,

this little fella is
only active at night.

Ooh, pretty
impressive, isn't he?

♪ Yeah, that's
right, I'm active ♪

♪ I'm active at night ♪

♪ and when that sun goes down ♪

♪ what am I that's
right, I'm outta sight ♪

Cut!

Eh, thank you. I'm
here through Saturday.

Ooh, bravo.

Bravo. Yes, very good.

Huh? Yeah?

Hey, you liked it?

Like... well, um, yeah. That's
certainly one way of putting it.

Great! Then listen,

about them steaks I've been seeing
you feedin' bocce ball over there.

Oh, yes. I do like a fella who's
willing to sing for his supper.

That's me. So, when do we eat?

When do we eat. Oh, yes.

Well, let's see.
How 'bout, um, now?

Oh, boy. That kind of rejection
is awful hard to swallow.

Hey, once you eat desert,
you don't need dessert.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well,
laugh all you want, sheki.

But you ain't got no
steak in your stomach.

"Kingdom of the creatures,"

take four, action!

But for all of his
quirks, the armadillo is,

I believe, a creature who
never takes himself too seriously.

Ooh, pretty
impressive, isn't he?

Um... yeah.

Oh, forget it. Stop
it, you're slaying me.

I don't even think I have a
pulse. No, that was a great joke.

You are really,
really very funny.

Okay, okay. Now,
I've got one for you.

Why did the hyena
cross the desert?

Uh...

Because I can never cross it!

Aww, save your tears, ed.

You're not the only one
at the end of your rope.

Yeah, we're starving
actors too, remember?

Hey, wait a minute.

Why didn't I think
of this sooner?

We don't have to
be starving actors.

Right. We can be
starving waiters.

No, menu mouth. We
can be successful directors.

- You mean...
- Exactly!

Why should we let that guy
make a chump roast out of us?

First, we're gonna get our
paws all over this production.

- Lights.
- Camera.

But babes, sweetheart,
darling, I don't understand.

Well, Marty, uh, Martin,
it's very simple really.

You see, I'm done with
this nature show business.

I just think the movie offer, "the
magnificent seven armadillos."

That's right, I'm playing
all seven parts. Ciao.

Ooh, Hollywood.

Congratulations to
you. That is very exciting.

Uh, bye. Good luck.

Send us a card in the mail. Bye.

Oh, Ronald?

Yes, Mr. Partin person, sir.

Just a little question
about the next scene.

How am I gonna
sh**t it without a star?

Why, why, of course.

I-I don't need a star,
I've got three of them.

Count them with me,
Ron. One, two, three.

Hey, what do you say? There's
beef jerky in it for all of you.

No, thanks. But speaking of
jerks, we've already got a beef.

Yeah, with you.

I think there's a union rule
against this kind of thing.

Is that right, big Ron? Isn't
that right? Tell me that's right.

"Kingdom of the
creatures," take next one,

action!

North, south, east, and west,

northwest and southeast,
and, uh, you know, wherever.

It's time for another
exciting adventure

in the "kingdom
of the creatures,"

with your hungry hosts,

the three hyenas.

The Serengeti, a
big, high, grassy place

with a lot of rocks, a couple
of trees and not much to eat.

That is until today

because we've got a really
special treat in store for you.

Well, Ed's right.

It's actually a treat for us.

What you said, girlfriend. But
seeing it as how it is our show

and we are the stars, we
don't mind if you watch.

Not a bit. So, big Ron,

can we get a close
up on today's subject?

It would be a pleasure.

Ooh, pretty
impressive, isn't he?