04x02 - Bye, Bye Greasy

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Okay, Jeremy, run,
hurry up! Move!

So I'm directing
the school play,
you know.

It's not bad.
Big break for me.

If you like directing
school plays, yeah.

Yeah, it's gonna be
pretty good, I think.

But here's the cool part.
They said I can cast
one faculty member.

The answer's no.
I was thinking about you.

I know.
The answer's no.

What do you think?
I said no.

Let me tell you
about the play
a little.

It's called Bye Bye Greasy.

Mm-hmm.
Are you familiar with...

Yeah.

I have the copy if you want...

Let's go back
and figure out
what just happened.

I said no.
Uh-huh.

Then I said no.

Then you kept going.
Then I said no.

Right.
So now we're done.

Have fun with your school play.

Have fun with the school play.

Good-bye.
Okay.

It's a 1950s musical.

I know what
the musical is, Brendon.
I know Bye Bye Greasy.

Then you're probably familiar
with Quick Rick.
The drag racer.

He's like the coolest guy
in the entire play. Hello.

There are no cool guys
in musicals.

Coach, leather jacket,
T-shirt...

Are you not listening to me?

Sleeve rolled up,
pack of cigarettes...

We are not having
a conversation anymore.

But check this out...

And this is where I need you...

I'm gonna have you
drive your car onstage.

Your car is gonna be
part of the play.

You mean if I played
Quick Rick, I would
drive my car onstage.

Yes.

That's physically...

No, it's not
physically impossible.

The big double doors
in the back?

Yeah?
You can get a car
in there.

Oh.

Look on page seven.
Right.

"Quick Rick enters."
But you notice I wrote,
"In his car."

So I drive up onstage.

Yeah, yeah.

Arm on the side.
Tip down your glasses.

"What's cookin'?"

The audience goes nuts.

Wow, that's practically
a fantasy of mine...

To drive a car in a building.

And then you go,
"I'm out of here."

Drive off.

Drive off the stage.

All right.
That's cool.
I'll do that.

"What's cookin'?"
Quick Rick.

Hi, Coach. Hey, Brendon.
Hey.

Melissa, where you been?

I was at the doctor.
I have a note.

Let me see it.

Does it say on the note
that I found out
I'm allergic to kiwi

and if I eat one I could die?

No.
'Cause that's what
I found out.

That's too bad.

Now I have to carry an epipen
that has medicine in it,

and if I eat a kiwi,
I need one of you
to stick me with it.

Great story, Melissa.

Brendon, so when do we
start rehearsing this?
Can I drive onstage...

I don't think we're gonna
be able to drive the car
in rehearsals.

What would happen is,
if I ate a kiwi by accident,

my throat could close up,
and I couldn't
breathe anymore.

All right,
don't eat kiwis.
And I could die.

We're gonna save it for
the big performance...

I gotta test it out.
Like Evel Knievel...

A simple kiwi
is like a loaded g*n
now for me.

I gotta tell you,
I'm a great driver.
I know.

I probably could've
been a stunt driver.

I just never got going
in that direction.

Should I show you how to use it?

Brendon.
Yeah.

Let's go to the car.
Okay.

Show you couple of moves.

Show you what I can do.

In case of emergency.

Everybody keep practicing!

Brendon and I
are going to the car.

My name is Walter.

And my name is Perry.

And we're auditioning
for Bye Bye Greasy.

Yeah.
Ready?

♪ Ba ba ba ba la la ♪

♪ Ma ma mamamamamama ♪

♪ Mamamamamama ♪

♪ Boo boo,
boo-boo-boo-boo-boo ♪

Okay, stop,
stop, stop.
That was good.

I got pretty good
roles for you guys.

Perry, you're gonna play Hank.

He's a garage monkey
who hangs out with Malone
and works on cars.

Oh, okay.

And, Walter,
you're gonna play
Mrs. Malone.

Yay! A woman!

Finally, some good
roles for women.

Brendon, Fenton
will be auditioning
for the role of Malone.

Hey, best friend Brendon.

Hi.
I can play Malone.

Listen, Fenton,
I'm playing Malone.

But let me ask you this.

How would you like to be
in charge of the lights?

The lights?

You mean all the lights?

Everything, Fenton.

Controlling the lights.

Brendon, that's my dream.

That's like playing God.

All right.
What?

The lights will be on,
off, on, off...

Leave them on.

No, leave them... On, off!

All right, Angela's next.

I'm sorry. What?

What?

"My mother has a band
called Helicopter."

Okay, well, that's good to know.

♪ I'm not the girl
you thought I was, no ♪

♪ I'm just the girl
you want me wish
was not was were ♪

♪ Down the stinky slide ♪

♪ Was not, was, was,
was not the girl ♪

Wow.
That was awesome.

Really good.

You got the lead role.
You're gonna play Lena.

Brendon, I'm ready to audition.

No, Melissa, you don't
have to audition.

You already got the part.

Lena?
Noodles.

Noodles?

I wanted to play Lena.

You don't wanna play Lena.

I don't want to play
the star of the play?

No, no. Melissa,
there's too much
singing and stuff.

It's not your style.

I love to sing.

Oh, no, you don't
want to sing this.

I'm telling you, you're Noodles.

Lena's best friend?

Yeah, the best friend.
Her sidekick?

The most complex character
in the whole play, you mean?

How many songs does she have?

She's got a lot,
but here's the thing

I actually wanted
to talk to you about.

I don't want to hear
you sing the songs.

What?
Do you know what I mean?

No.

Well, see...

I think what I'd like
to hear you do is sing-talk.

Sing-talk?
Yeah.

What do you mean?

Like you go, I am Noodles.

How's it going?

Can you try that?

That could be
your audition right now.

I am Noodles.
How's it going?

That's awesome.
You got the part.

Really?
You got the part.

Give me a hug.
Give me a hug.

I'm happy for you.
That was great.

Brendon, what about my part?

You're gonna play Chip,
Lena's boyfriend.

Oh. Yeah.
But I want to audition,
'cause I prepared a song.

Well, yeah, go ahead,
you can do it,
but I'm gonna get going.

Okay?
You don't mind, do you?

Would that still
officially be an audition?

Yeah.
Okay.

See ya.
Hey, good luck.

Thanks.

Here's a little ditty
in the style

of the great
Brazilian Jazz crooner

Antonio Carlos Jobim.

♪♪

This one's called
"Brazilian Sunspot."

♪ Ahh, ah ah ah ♪

♪ Ahh ahh ahh ♪

♪ Ahh ahh ahhh ahh ♪

Hello, Charlie.
Hello, Bink-Bonk.

Hello, Charlie number two.
Hello, Pinky.

Good to see everyone.

Everyone's in order.
Let's have a meeting.

Hey, Brendon.
Aah!

What are you doing in my room?
Get out of here!

Your window was open, my friend.

I don't care
if my window was open.

That doesn't mean you can
come in my house, Shannon!

It does mean I can
come in. You should've
thought of that.

What are you doing in my room?

What are you doing in my room?

Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.

What are you doing in my room?

I have a favor to ask.

You have a favor...

Shannon, I gotta tell you,
I'm really busy.

I've got a play to do
and don't really have
time for favors.

Well, there you go.
That is the favor.

I would like to be in your play.

Heh, heh.
Come on.

What's funny about...
What is funny?

You want to be... I'm offended.

No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Listen...

You wound me.
I don't want
to offend you.

Look, I see you wear
those P.J.s with the feet.

No. No, those are...

It's okay if you wear
these embarrassing P.J.s.

These P.J.s
don't define you,

and being a bully
doesn't define me.

I want to sing, I want to dance.

Let's make it happen.

Why are you putting
your arms on me?

Well, this is my way
of auditioning.

I humbly request
a role in your play.

I don't know.
I mean, there are...

Ow! Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

There are a lot
of people... ow, ow, ow!

Okay, okay, you're in.
You're in the play.

I'll find a role for you.

I want the lead role.

You don't want
the lead character.

There's so many words
you gotta memorize.

Ow, ow, ow!

Okay, you're Malone.
Ow, ow!

Thank you, Brendon.

Boy, that was fun.

Yep. Thanks
for dropping by.

I like auditioning.

Oh, when's the rehearsal?

It's tomorrow at 3.

Sorry, can't make it.

Okay.

So, basically,

I was very lucky
to get Shannon...

to play the role of Malone.

What?
Shannon?

He's not standing
under my lights.

Listen, he can play
a really good tough guy.
Trust me.

So, Jason, I want you to
continue with the filming
and documentary stuff.

'Cause you're doing
a great job on that.

Thank you.

Work the curtains, too.
You think you can?

How am I gonna juggle
all that while I'm Chip?

Here's the good thing.
I'm gonna play Chip.

Oh, what?

Did I just get replaced?

Yeah, but you're still
working the curtains.

Wow, I get to work the curtains.

I don't get to be Chip,
one of the leads.

Well, it's a great role.

I know.
That's why I'm playing it.

No, I'm playing Chip.

Why are you whispering?
You just fired me.

'Cause it's embarrassing.

I know.
It's embarrassing
to get fired.

Hey, Melissa.
How's it going?

Good. You can
call me Noodles.

Well, I will do that, Noodle.

Heh. I like that name.
Junior, can I
ask you a question?

I don't know. Why?
Do you have a question?

Yeah. I wanted to know
if I accidentally eat a kiwi

will you stick me
with my epipen
so I won't die?

No, I do not like
needles, Noodles.

But I will give you
mouth to mouth.

Yeah. I don't know
if that'll help.

- Oops!
- Sorry about that!

Sorry about that.

Made a boo-boo.
Everything's cool.

You stole Lena from me, Malone,

but you're still a loser
in a leather jacket.

Cool it, daddy-o.

Unless you wanna feel
my switchblade

in your side.

Brendon, you know
when I'm holding you
like this?

Uh-huh.
I was thinking.

Why don't we turn
the lights down?

You know, maybe go
to a single low spot.

A single spotlight?

Yeah.
What do you think?

No. No.

Why not?

No. Thank you,
but no.

The lights are perfect
the way they are.

Sorry.

Actually, you know, Fenton,

I have to agree with Shannon.

I think he's got a point.

What? Brendon,
why would you be
listening to him?

Heh heh heh heh.
I'm in charge
of lights.

Because he's got
a good point, you know.

No, you are messing
with the lights...

Now here's what I was
trying to achieve.

What if you just go to
a number four yellow gel,

with scrims on either side,

and then fade to black?

I'm in charge of the lights.

I see you're arguing

and you believe
in what you're saying.

No, I still...
You haven't convinced me.

Brendon.
Mr. Lynch.

Stopped by to see
how things are going.

Things are going smoothly.
Thank you.

You may move along, if you like.

Oh, Shannon.
It's nice to see you
participating

in a wholesome
extracurricular
activity here.

Up yours, Padre.

Shannon, what was that?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just
in character.

That's part of the play?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Let me get out of character.

Okay, go stuff
yourself, flatfoot.

Okay, that wasn't
part of the play.
No.

Well, that's insubordination.

Duh.
That's another strike
on you, Shannon.

Two more strikes,
and you'll be in violation

of my "23 strikes
and you're out" policy.

Well, is cutting class a strike?

Well, yes, of course.

You might want to add
yet another,

for I did not make it
to Physics today.

And why not?

Let's just say
I had a problem
with space and time.

I'm gonna make
some space on here

for another strike for you.

Shannon, why don't you
sing one of your songs,

since you haven't
sung anything yet,

and we open tomorrow night.

We open tomorrow night?

Well, then I better
rest my voice.

Huh.

Mom!

Don't come in yet, Brendon.
I want to surprise you.

I'm almost done.

Good, good.
Everything okay?

Yeah, no, it's great.

Good. Okay, okay,
you can come in now,
but close your eyes.

Ow!

You okay?

Well, no. Yes.

Open your eyes, Brendon.

Mom, no, this is wrong.

It's supposed to
take place in summer.

You didn't tell me that.

I said, "Can you
paint a background?"

You said, "Can you
paint a background,"

and I painted a beautiful
winter background.

Listen, Mom,
when somebody says,
"an outdoor background,"

you don't jump
to the conclusion
that it must be winter...

Brendon, why don't you
just make it winter?

Because there's
a cook-out scene,
a Fourth of July scene,

there's a big independence song.

What am I supposed
to do about that, huh?

Okay, okay, all right.
It's okay.

Don't panic.
I'll just change it.

From winter to less winter.

Mom, hurry up,
hurry up, hurry up.

Almost done.
I think I smell kiwi.

Does anyone else smell kiwi?

Melissa, relax.
There's no kiwi
around here.

No, I made kiwi pie.

For the scene where
Noodle eats pie.

You made a kiwi pie?
I can't eat kiwi.

Who makes kiwi pie?

What a specific...
Never even heard of it.

Are you trying to k*ll me?

What are you talking about?
I'm allergic to kiwi.

Don't eat the pie.
Pretend to eat it.

Don't eat the pie.
Don't eat the pie.

Brendon, I think there's
something wrong with Lena.

She's fine.
She'll be fine.

Shannon's not here yet.

Shannon's in
the first scene.
I know, Melissa.

I'm bringing down
the house lights.

Great. Okay.

In three...
Still no Shannon.

I know, Jason, thank you.
Two...

Hello, everyone.

I want to wish you all
good luck
one!

And tell you that
Shannon's been suspended.

What?
House lights...

Break a leg.
Down.

Have a good show.

♪ La la la
la la la ♪

♪ Ba ba ba,
boo boo boo boo

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Ba ba ba,
boo boo boo ♪

You suspended
Shannon. Why?

Curtain's going up,
Brendon. Unh!

I received
an anonymous phone call

accusing Shannon of
defacing school property.

When I confronted him
with the accusation,
he admitted it.

Right, okay.
And that was strike 23.

Okay.

The punishment is
three days suspension.

And that goes for
anyone else who misses
the urinal on purpose.

Okay, okay.
Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, okay.
I'll play Malone.
Jason, you play Chip.

Brendon, the curtain is up.

Damon, dinner's ready.

Damon.

In a minute, Ma.

I just gotta get
the timing right
on the carburetor.

You and your engines.

I think you would've
been happier

if you were born a car
instead of a boy.

♪ If you were a car
instead of a boy ♪

♪ You'd have headlights
instead of eyes ♪

♪ And tires
instead of feet ♪

♪ If you were a car
instead of a boy ♪

♪ You'd have... ♪

Hey, what the?

Sorry!

Noodles is next.
I know, I know.

Remember, sing-talk.
I know.

Someone has to take the ropes.

Ropes, that's me.

♪ No, I don't have
a date tonight ♪

♪ But thanks
for asking, Lena ♪

♪ I've been working out ♪

♪ To try to trim
these bulging thighs ♪

♪ But results
don't seem to be ♪

♪ Lasting ♪

♪ Lena, I might as well
stay home tonight ♪

♪ And eat myself
some pies ♪

♪ Eat myself some pies ♪

Oh, my God!
I just ate kiwi!

I just ate kiwi!

I just ate kiwi!

♪♪

This isn't part of the song!

I just... Somebody stick me!

Aah!

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Stop! Not now!
Not now!

Oh, sorry.

Backing up.

So, Lena,

I don't really know
what to say to you.

I know I'm your boyfriend.

My name is Chip.

Such a nice day.

Birds are singing,
and the sun is shining.

It's snowing.
Summer is here.

Tell her
that you know
she's seeing Malone.

Oh, yeah. So you're
not seeing Malone.

No. You know that...
You know that...

You know.

You know that... You know that.

Lena...
No. Shh!

You know that... You know that.

No, you know that.

No, Lena,
you know that.
What?

No, you know that, not her.

You know that, not her.
Oops. Sorry, Brendon.

No, your character.
You know that
she's seeing Malone.

Oh. I know that
you're seeing Malone,

the guy Brendon is playing.

Only I don't care.

This play is completely
sucking, Brendon.

Oh, I wouldn't... I... Yeah.

Do you have any control
of what's going on?

This is kind of a disaster.

Like a historic disaster.
Yeah.

That's good in a way
because you'll be
sort of famous

for the worst play ever
here at this
elementary school.

Yeah.

Junior, you gotta stick me.

But, Noodle,
I'm on in three minutes.

I'm gonna die.

All right, all right, fine.

Give me the thing
to stick you with.
Oh, boy.

Okay, okay, come on,
now, now, quick.

Okay. All right,
here we go. Ready?

I don't have much time.

Okay, one, two, and...

Can I just say that
I have always
liked you a lot.

Yeah, yeah,
I know you like me.
Let's go.

Okay. One, and two, and...

Whoa, whoa, stop it.
Don't stick her
with that thing.

Mrs. Small, you really
are trying to k*ll me.

No, I'm not... m*rder*r!

m*rder*r!

m*rder*r!

m*rder*r!
Somebody call
the police!

Melissa,
you didn't eat kiwi.
What?

I switched the pies.
I went out and got
a different pie.

So it's not a kiwi pie?

No, it's key lime pie.
I got a key lime pie.

Key lime?
Yes.

You didn't eat kiwi, Melissa.

Oh. Junior,
you practically
saved my life.

That's all right.

Angela, I'm dying here.
Say something, please.

Please say something.

Whew!
Sorry I'm late.

Shannon, what are
you doing here?

I thought you were suspended.

This is more important.

That's the spirit.

The show must go on.

Yeah. Besides,

I want to find out
who ratted me out.

That's so Malone.

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Whah ♪

Brendon.

♪ Ahh ♪
Brendon.

♪ Ah ahh ♪
Brendon.

Hello, light god.

What's up?
Oh, Shannon.

You were suspended.

I mean, I called the...
Aah... I mean, I squealed...

Uhh! Heh!

What I mean is,
you peed on the... ach!

Hey, welcome back.

Why, Fenton?
Why?

Why? Because he was
ruining my play.
That's why.

Your play?
You're not even in it.

Yeah, but I'm in charge
of the lights.

You can't have a play
without lights.

Because then you don't have
a play with lights.

Brendon, would you mind terribly

excusing us for a little while?

No, that's not necessary.
No, Brendon.

Let's go, light god.

Ach! Aah, heh.

♪ Ba ba dey,
da dey ba ba dey ♪

Help me.

I'm the...

light...

Help! Help!

Light god.
Help!

Hello, Junior.

Hello, Melissa.
I mean, Noodle.

Heh.
Heh.

I've never kissed anyone before.

Me neither.

Ohh! Oh, boy!

You stabbed me with your pen!

What the you do that for?

I'm sorry.
It was an accident.

Oh, my God, my heart is racing.

I didn't mean to.
Ohh! Oh, oh, oh.

Quick Rick,
you're the best driver
I've ever seen.

Unh! Hold on. Unh!

You're the best driver
I've ever seen.

Come on, damn it.

Oh, boy.
What's cookin'?

Roll down the window.

Hey, Hank.

Uhh...
What?

You're young and foolish.

No one will ever beat...

I'm older and wiser and...

No one will ever
beat you, Quick Rick.

Right. What?

Roll down the window!

I can't roll it down.
It's broken.

Just play the music!

Gladys!

♪ Huh, huh ♪

♪ I'll race ♪

♪ To feel the wind
in my face ♪

♪ And I'll race ♪

♪ To feel alive ♪

♪ And I'll race ♪

♪ To feel like
I own this place ♪

♪ And I'll race
until I die ♪

♪ I'll race against
the other racers ♪

♪ And I'll race
with one big shout ♪

♪ And I'll race
against the clock ♪

♪ And I'll race
against myself ♪

♪ And I'll race
and I'll race ♪

♪♪

♪ A-whoo! ♪

♪ Race ♪

♪♪

Yeah... oops! Okay.

Yeah.

Move. Move out,
you two.

Move out.

I gotta back up.

Oh, my God.

Somebody move that box.

Oh, this.

♪♪

♪ I'd be the big shot
there on the sidewalk ♪

♪ But I'm too cool
to get caught ♪

♪ I'd be the genius
there on the campus ♪

♪ But I'm too smart
to be taught ♪

♪ I'll be the tough guy
handing out black eyes ♪

♪ Using my fists forever ♪

♪ I'll be the cool calf
leading the brat pack ♪

♪ Leaving a wound
in the liver ♪

What?
Shh!

Is that Shannon...
Please.

Defying my suspension?

That's not Shannon,
Mr. Lynch.

That's Malone.

That's Shannon.
You can tell by his thing.

He punched me
in the nose.
Who did?

Fenton.
Uhh...

Me did.
I punched myself.

It's a lighting thing.

♪ Me ♪

♪ Alone ♪

♪ In my leather ♪

♪ Alone ♪

♪ Me alone
in my leather ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪ Alone ♪

♪ In my leather ♪

♪ Me alone
in my leather ♪

Brendon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what?

There's, like, five scenes left

in this play.

There are?
Yeah.

Oh, man.

Sort of breaks
the flow of the play

when all the actors bow
and say good night.

You know what,
let's let it
just be finished.

All right.
I see your point.
Yeah.

Brendon, I'd like
to get home this week.

Hey, listen,
I didn't ask you
to drive off the stage.

If you hadn't
talked me into being
in your stupid play,

I wouldn't have
driven my car off.

You're blaming me
for you driving
off the stage?

Yes, I am blaming you.
Great. Fantastic.

Fantastic to you.

Hey, Brendon, I just
wanted to thank you

for the opportunity to perform.

I really enjoyed it.

Good. Yeah, great.
Glad you enjoyed it.

I had a horrible time.
Glad I could help you out.

You guys wanna race?

Brendon, let's do it.
Let's beat him.

Unh! Unh!

Well, he's gone.
I think we lost.

That was totally embarrassing.

♪♪

♪ Huh huh ♪

♪ I'll race ♪

♪ To feel the wind
in my face ♪

♪ And I'll race ♪

♪ To feel alive ♪

♪ And I'll race ♪

♪ To feel like
I own this place ♪

♪ And I'll race
until I die ♪

♪ I'll race against
the other racers ♪

♪ And I'll race
with one big shout ♪

♪ And I'll race
against the clock ♪

♪ And I'll race
against myself ♪

♪ And I'll race,
and I'll race ♪