03x03 - Bad Influences

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪♪

Hot day, eh, mason?

Yeah. Real hot.
Hot as they come.

Hotter than yesterday
and the day before that
and the day before that.

It's like every day we
stay here, it gets hotter.

Hotter and hotter.
Hotter.

Hotter.

When are we gonna
get out of here, huh?

You mean out of the farm?
Out of the heat.
Out of this life.

Out of the farm!
When are we gonna damn
get the hell out of here?

Listen. The old man,
if he wasn't sick,
it'd be different.

The old man!
The old man!

Aah!

Okay, guys. That was
the original sh**t
we did three months ago.

Now here's the reshoot
we did yesterday.
Okay.

Whew, it's hot out here,
eh, mason?

Yep.

Don't get much hotter
than this, do it?

No, it "do-n't."

Hotter than all the days.
Hotter than all the nights.

It's still damned hot.

Makes me hungry just
thinking about all the heat.

Makes me hungry hot!

Damn hungry hot.

Damn chips.

Need some help there?
I can't seem to get
a proper handful.

Oh, why don't you get your
sweaty hands all over the chips?

Granted it's a different take
from what we did,

But here's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

Um, I liked that.
I thought it was way more real.

Yeah, and you know,
we could splice 'em together.

We can't splice them together.
Don't you see the glaring
continuity problem?

Oh, the lighting?
It's not so bad.
I'm a big fan of natural light.

Guys, it's not the lighting.
This problem is bigger.

You know, wider.

It is shocking.

It's shocking the variety
of chips you can get today.

Can you put down the chips?

I really am not bothered
by the lighting difference.

It's a fatter problem.

You see where
I'm going with this?

Mom?
Hmm?

I want you to squint your eyes
and stand back a little bit.

Have I gotten
really, really fat?

No. No, you're not too fat.
Oh, geez.

You're growing, brendon.
You're at that age where
you're a growing boy.

What have you been
feeding me?

I've been feeding you the same
thing I've been feeding myself.

And do I look fat?
I'm not fat.

No...
What did you mean
by that?

By "no?"

No, by "no..."

I was gonna say I don't think
you've gotten much fatter.

It's that wording
again brendon.

Mom, seriously, from down here
you look gigantic.

But that's
'cause I'm small.

Welcome to the fat club,
brendon.

No.
Yes.

You and me.
Fat club members.

No.
No?

No.
Nothin' wrong with it. You
should be proud of your size.

The first way of dealing
with your fat is admitting it.
Now say it, fatso.

No, you say it.
All right. You're fat.

And you're getting fatter.
It's amazing. I love it.

Okay, okay, okay.
So I'm fat. Big deal.

Well, you passed
the first step, brendon.

The next question you have
to ask yourself is how does
being fat work for me?

Well?
I don't know.

Well, it makes you funnier.
Everybody loves a fat guy.
They're funny.

I would have to get really fat,
wouldn't i, to get really funny?

No, sometimes you just
have to be a little dumpy,
which is what I would call you.

I'm dumpy.
Yeah, that's phase one.

Okay.
There's about
eight phases.

It starts from dumpy,
then it goes to frumpy,
then it goes to fat.

Six phases of fat. I don't know.
I'm not a scientist.

I'm just saying you get fatter
and fatter. That's what happens.

You start the cycle
and then you don't stop.
Mm-hmm.

Isn't it like
totally unhealthy?
So?

All right, how about this,
brendon?
Yeah.

Some girls like fat guys 'cause
their fathers were fat, right?
Right.

So you play on that.
It's the fat father syndrome.

It's the ffs.

Fat father syndrome.
Yeah.

Girls have fat fathers,
all right?
Mm-hmm.

So when you're fat, you remind
girls of their father.

Right.
Done deal.

♪♪

Geez. Look how
fat I got. Wow.

Still fat. Ooh!

Oh, I'm fat.

Boys, you have both put on
a great deal of weight
in a very short time.

Tell us something
we don't know, sweetie.

I can help you lose weight.

I think we'd better put
you two on a diet.

Out of the question.

No more junk food, and going
to gym class and exercising.

No. No.
Yes. Yes.

Yes.
No. No. No.

And it'll take a while
to lose the weight.
No, nurse. No!

But that's the way it goes.

Wait.
I want to see
an accredited physician.

Jason, we can go to a doctor
that can do this overnight.
Yeah.

A doctor will tell you the same
thing. Eating healthy and...

Wrong! Wrong!

Okay, listen, jason...
Dead wrong!

I just want you two
to be healthy.
Your words mean nothing to me!

All right.

Brendon.
Yes?

If you would like
to follow my lead,

I will be walking
out of here.
Okay.

Nurse, you will certainly
be hearing from us again.

Okay.
Yeah, get ready for
the biggest lawsuit

You'll ever imagine,
lady, lady, lady.

Okay.

Havin' lunch there.
Yup.

What are you, uh...
What are you havin'?
Salad. What about you?

Just came in to get
some water, you know?
You don't have to pay for it.

Right.
You eat pretty healthy, huh?

Yes, I do.

Yeah, like a goat.

It's kinda cute.
Mm.

You know? Chewin' on
your greens.
Mm-hmm.

Brought up that way?
You mormon?

No, I just started doing it
on my own one day.
Oh.

So what about your dad?
Was he like a big fat guy?

What? I don't know.
I mean, was he, like,

You know, big, like me?

Um, yeah. He was a little
heavy when I was a kid.

Yeah, I figured.
Why?

He was heavy during your
more impressionable years.

What are you asking me?
Nothing.

I was just trying to get
a feel of how fat your dad was.

Yeah. Well, I better go,
you know.

Okay.
Lunch is lunch.

I'll see you around.
See you.

See you.

So you wanna go out on a date?

Look, I'm not interested
in dating you, mcguirk.

Well, I didn't mean
like a date.
Really?

Just, like, hang out. Like,
go out, hang out somewhere.

I would hang out with you
only in a group setting.

You know, like
a faculty meeting.

That's great. That's what
I'm talking about.

Hanging out with a group.
That's what I love.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.
You like laser tag?

No.
Paintball.

No. This has been great hanging
out here. Let's just...
I'm gonna hit it.

How long would you like
your membership to be?

I don't know. What's the
cheapest possible plan?

Okay, you know, you could do
a two-year package.

Okay, how much
is that plan?

Basic is $500.

400.
500.

450.
Wait, what are you doin'?

Okay, how much does it cost
for say, like, six months?

Six months? Well...
Uh, you don't want that plan.

Why don't i?
Well, 'cause on that plan
you can't use the pool.

That's okay. I don't
wanna use the pool.

You can't use the towels.
I'll bring my own towels
from home.

Yeah, that plan also
restricts you from using

Over 80 percent of
the exercise machines.
Even better.

What can I use on this plan?
Uh, free weights.

That's good.
That's it.

Lynch. I've been looking
for you everywhere.

Well, it appears
as if you found me.

I just wanna ask
you something.
What?

Why don't we ever
hang out, huh?

Um, possibly because
we hate each other.
Oh, yeah.

Look, do you wanna go out
on a date with me?
Hmm.

No, a double date, lynch.
All right?

You, me and two women.
A group thing.

Goin' out somewhere.
Havin' fun.

Wait. First of all,
with who?
Well, the nurse.

Well, then who would
you be taking?
The nurse.

Who will I take then?
I don't know.
What about mrs. Adamson?

Uh, she's married.
Uh, "mrs."?

Right. Right. Well,
what about what's-her-face
that does biology?

Oh, carol what's-her-face?
You mean the blondish,
ponytail...

Yes.
No.

Man, lynch.
You're a little picky.

I'm not picky,
I'm choosy.

So what's it gonna be?
The lunch lady or the math lady?

Hmm. That's a great choice.
Thank you.

Uh, no and no.

Look, I'll pay
for drinks.
Deal.

Oh.
Oh, god.

So, so good.

Jason, wait.

Jason, we're breaking
the diet.
I know. I know. I know.

I know, but I was eating healthy
all day until we got here
and snuck food out of the house.

Me too. I starved myself
until now.

Now the payoff is
so worth it, brendon.

We're just gonna get
fatter and fatter.
Mmm. I know.

Brendon, the only time
I eat a lot is around you.

The only time I eat a lot
is around you.

Huh. What do you think
that means?

I think it means that we're...

I think we're fat enablers.

We are?
We create a situation where
it's okay to eat a lot.

It is okay to eat a lot.
No, no. It isn't.
We have to stop.

Wait. Okay. Okay, jason,
I'm going to ask you to
pass me that cupcake,

But I don't want you to give it
to me, all right?
Okay.

Will you pass me that cupcake?
Here you go.
Pass me the chips.

Yeah, here.
Thanks.

See? This is the problem,
jason.

What is?
It's us.

- This fat curse is-is...
- Whoops. Excuse me.

I was gonna say,
I think the only way
to break the fat curse

Is by never seeing
each other again.

Okay, fine.
Then we won't eat.
We'll just sit.

No, jason. We won't.

Jason, I'm going
to leave you.
No, brendon. No.

We have to leave each other.
Brendon, wait. We only have
each other and food.

Jason, we have to leave each
other. We can't do this anymore.

I don't like you.
It was nice knowing you.

Good-bye.

Good-bye,
my sweet fat prince.

And leave the chips.
Okay.

Uh, hey, mom?

Is it okay if I go
hang out with melissa
at the pizza arcade tonight?

Which arcade?
Donald von cheesington's.

Mmm. Great pizza.
Yeah. Great place.

Great place.
Yeah.

You're still not
hanging out with jason?

No, actually, I'm not.

We had a pretty
unhealthy relationship.

Look at me.
I'm back to normal.

Won't it be tempting
to break your diet at
donald von cheesington's?

I've developed a lot of
self-control over the last few
weeks, so I think I'll be okay.

Oh, no.
Here comes an employee.
Okay. Uh-oh.

Get off. Get off.
Go hide in the ladies' room.

- Mom?
- Brendon.

I mean,
who are you?
Hi, you.

Hey, you better go in
the ladies' room and look
for your mom, little kid.

Tonight's the night, lynch.

Before the ladies get here,
all right,

We gotta get
a couple things straight.
Mm-hmm. Yeah?

First of all, even though this
technically isn't a real date,
but a group outing,

We still have to be
on our toes, all right?
Uh, yeah, okay. And...

That means I have to come across
lookin' good, and so do you
'cause I brought you.

That means don't embarrass me.
That means we have to be nice
to each other.

We have to be nice
to each other...

In front of the ladies.
In front of the ladies.

Yeah, that means
no tricks, lynch.
What do you mean?

Look, I know you got a thing
for the nurse. I'm not stupid.
Mm-hmm. Yeah?

She's my date tonight.

Even though this is not a date.

Right. Even though
this is not a date.

Look, there's our not-dates
right now.
Right.

Say something nice to me.

Just practice.
Um, you look good.

Say my hair looks good.
All right.
Your hair looks good.

"Did you change your hair?
It looks nice."

No, I didn't.
I like it this way.

No, I mean say that to me.
Oh.

Look, "oh, what,
did you change your hair?
It looks ni..." Hi.

I need to refill
this prescription. It's for
my anxiety disorder,

And it's working nicely,
'cause, uh, I wouldn't have been
able to approach you otherwise.

Uh-huh.

Oh, let me ask
you something.

You're kind of like
a doctor, right?

Ah, yeah. Kind of.
Do you have a drug
that makes it so that

I'm not made to feel
inferior and really crappy
by good-looking people

Who are in way better shape
than me?

Uh, the liquor store's
across the street.
All right?

Thanks.
Mm-hmm.

You look good, brendon.
Really?

Yeah.
Well, thank you.

You know, all I have to do
to stay this way

Is to deprive myself of
anything that I enjoy.

Good for you, 'cause whatever
you're doin', it's workin'.
Well, thank you very much.

Hey, you know, who knows?
Maybe one of these days

We can even get back
to making movies,
you know, with jason.

Huh? Uh, yeah, I don't know.
I mean, like, uh, maybe.

Hey, let's turn in those
tickets for some stupid crap
at the counter.

Okay.

What should we get?
We could get
that plastic lizard.

Nah, how about those
really big sunglasses?

The comb, brendon.
We should definitely get
that really big comb.

Let me see.
How about, uh...

How about a yo-yo?

Jason.
Brendon.

This place doesn't
actually look so bad.

I saw coming in
that they're having
a poetry thing later on.

Yeah, yeah. Me and lynch
picked it out, right, buddy?

Uh, yeah, yeah.
Mcguirk was easy to work with
when it came to finding a place.

We really get along
rather well.

That's right.
We always do, buddy.

Hey, you look nice
tonight.
Thank you.

Oh, thank you very much.

Is that a new outfit?
Well, I got it
a few months ago.

Well, you look good.
You look very enchanté,
as they say.

Lynch, you should find out
what yours is named.

Mine?
Yeah, the girl.
Your girl.

His girl?
The girl, right there.

Hi.
Who can hear everything
you're saying?

Yes, uh,
that's a little awkward.

Um, and what did you say
your name was again?
It's ruth.

Right. And do you work
at the school?
Uh, yeah.

Don't interrogate her,
lynch. All right?

You said to...
Why don't you be polite?

I'm sorry. My friend
is so, you know.
Mm-hmm.

He's my friend though, and, uh,
I really do enjoy his company.
Yeah, yeah.

So what do you do?
What do you do?
I'll take this.

What do you do?
I'm a temp.

- That's gotta suck.
- It's all right.

Did you see the thing
in the times today?

Oh, yeah.
What a discovery, huh?

The nasa article?
Yes.

- Yeah.
- Could you believe that?

I know.
It's absolutely
fascinating.

Yeah, it was.

That guy is a genius.
Pretty smart.

I know.
And how old is he?
He's young.

I think only 25.
Right.

- Younger, I thought.
- What?

- Ah, maybe it was 25.
- Oh.

Did you read it, mcguirk?

Yeah, yeah. I mean,

I can't even believe that
he was 25 when he did that.

Hmm. I tell you, when I was
25, I wasn't working for nasa.

Right.

Well, I mean, pal,
I had a tough childhood.

I'll tell you that,
you know.

I mean, my dad was fat.

I mean, you two don't know what
I'm talking about, but I think
you know what I'm talking about.

Right?
Right.

Nasa.

I didn't know
you were gonna be at
donald von cheesington's.

I haven't been coming to
donald von cheesington's

Until I was sure I was
in control of my eating.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah, I know what you mean.
Yeah.

You look great, by the way.
Well, thank you. You too.
I almost didn't recognize.

Thanks, I guess.
Yeah.

Hey, look, there's that, um,
person I know over there.

I'm gonna go talk
to them for a while.
You two should catch up.

Yeah, we should.
Bye.
Bye.

Great.
Okay.

Wow.
Oh, hold on, brendon.
It's time for me to eat again.

I'm on the zone
power workout.

Oh, I read about that.
How's that working out
for you?

Well, take a sweet look.
It's working out just fine.

Hey, you wanna try one of these?
I shouldn't. I'm trying
to watch my carb intake.

Brendon, read the back.
There's no carbs.

Oh. Mmm,
these are good.
Yeah.

Here. Have another one.
Nah, I shouldn't.
I shouldn't.

Brendon, it's okay.
Nah, no thanks.

So, what should we get
with these tickets?
I don't know.

Boy, look at all that junk food
that people are getting
with their tickets.

It's so sad.
Hey.
Hey, let's get some.

Yeah, right.
Let's get some.

Yeah, let's get it and eat it
all in, like, one sitting,

Like, you know,
we used to, right?

Let's gorge ourselves
until we get really sick.

Then let's get more.
Eat it until we can't
walk anymore.

Let's turn in all our tickets
and just get junk food

And shove it in our faces
yeah.

As fast as we can.

Brendon, let's do that.
Yeah, let's do that
right now. Yeah!

No, brendon, I'm serious.
Yeah, I know.
Let's totally do it.

I'm not kidding.
Let's do it.
Okay.

What do you think
you're doing?
Uh, washing my hands.

No. Out there at the table.
What was that crap?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Well, the new york times
nasa stuff.

Just making conversation,
mcguirk...

Oh, just making conversation?
Yeah, I was just...

More like trying
to make me look dumb
with your dumb smart crap.

Look, look. It's not my fault
that you don't keep up
with current events, mcguirk.

Hey, lynch.
What?

First of all, yes. I don't.
That doesn't make me bad.

Second of all, we had a plan.
All right?

And that plan was to make
each other look good
in front of the girls.

That was our plan.
Right. And get along.

There wasn't anything in
the plan that mentioned that

You deviated from the plan,
lynch. All right?
We couldn't talk...

So you're on your own now.
Ooh.

Hello. How are you?
Oh, hi.

So you're on your own now.
Oh, that's fine.

Go join nasa.

I walk down.
Down the street.

Uh-huh.
Hands in my pockets.

Hello, neighbor.
Yeah. There it is.

Ah-choo. Bless you.

I have a poem.
All right?

Hello.

I have a poem.
Hello!

This is one I call
lynch's mustache.

Lynch's mustache looks stupid.

What a dumb idiot to have
a mustache like that.

Why don't you go wax your a*s?

Give me that mic.

Here's a haiku.
All right.

There once was a man
named mcguirk

Who was fat and dumb
and a jerk.

Boo. Boo! That sucked.

Ruth, it was nice to meet you.
I'm gonna get out of here.

Very nice, guys.
See you at work.

You're both very...
Wait a minute.

Hold up. Hold up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hear this one.
No, no, no. I got one.

Mcguirk, he has a...

Here's a poem
I call "new york times."

New york times.
New york times?

You think you're better
than us?

Us? Us.

U-s. U-s-a.
No way.

The end.

You're an idiot.
That's great.

Could you put
the seat belt on,
please?

I don't think it's gonna fit,
but try that. Put it on.

Okay, here's one.
Lynch had no chance
with the nurse.

Uh, she had a nice purse.

Oh, boy,
that is the worse.

Hey!

Go.
Oh, okay.

Um, mcguirk, uh,

Ruined everything
for the evening
because he started...

That's not a poem, lynch.

Yes, it is. A poem is anything
that is an expression
of something else.

Okay.
Watch out for that pole.

Oh, boy.
Oh, my god.

Guys,
what are you doing?

Get out of here!
We're having a meeting.

You guys,
you broke your diets.
I know. We're terrible.

No, you're not.
You're not terrible.

Oh, yeah, melissa?
Really? Really?

Jason.
Melissa!

Jason, why are you acting
so weird?

You knew this would happen,
didn't you?
What's he talking about?

She knows damn well
what I'm talking about.
Don't you, melissa?

What does he mean?
Well, why don't
you tell brendon?

Brendon, i...
I set up this chance meeting.

I set it up with jason
a week ago.
Ha!

Oh.
I knew he would
be here, brendon,

Ha!
And I knew that you guys
were fat enablers.

Ha!
But I wanted you
to see each other.

What?
I just couldn't stand
the separation anymore.

Oh.
The movies, brendon.
We haven't been making movies.

I feel like it's all my fault.
I was the one who showed you
how fat you were.

You were pretty fat,
brendon.
I know.

How fat both of you were.

Well, I mean, I was
sort of fat to begin with.

Brendon really got fat.

But you got us
together knowing

That we would make
each other eat, melissa.

It was a chance
I was willing to take,
and I hoped you wouldn't.

You were both doing so well.

She wanted us fat, brendon.
She wanted us fat!
No.

No, I don't!
I don't want you fat!
I just want us together.

Oh, god. I'm sorry.

I just wanna
make movies.

I feel a pinch comin' on.

Sure is hot, huh?
Hot. Hot and fat.

When are we gonna get off
this farm? This terrible,
terrible fat farm?

I know when... Never.

Wow, it's our best work yet,
brendon.
I know.

Guys, that was great.
I know, I think we might
be geniuses.

Definitely geniuses.
You guys did something
that only

The finest actors
have ever done...

You put on
a lot of weight
for a role.

Um, thanks?

All right, sumo wrestler
movie, take one.

Arrgh!

Now, my fat dinner
with what's-his-face.

Andre.
Take one.

I don't know how
to tell you boys this,

But you're both pregnant.

We are? Oh, no!

Fat gandhi, take two.

The first rule
of fat club is

You don't talk about
the first rule of fat club.

Second rule of fat club is, uh...

So what are you guys
in for?
Free breakfast.

I'm gonna free you,
you fat whale.

Three fat men
and a fat baby.

I want my mommy.

♪♪

♪♪