01x11 - Mortgages & Marbles

[bunniefuu]

Brendon:
come on, josie,

Do something cute
or something.

Josie, you want to talk to me?

We'll film it.

Can you say "brendon"?

Bren...
Don...

Oh, you like marbles, josie?

Can you say "marbles"?

Say "marbles"!

Brendon?

Marb—bles.
Mar—bles!

Paula:
brendon!

Brendon!

Shh!

Sorry!

Thank you!

Don't mention it!

We have to be quiet, josie,
okay?

Now, okay, think of something
to say while I adjust the focus.

Can you say "focus," josie?

Focus.

"Fo—cus"!

Brendon!

I forgot!

Uh—oh!

No. No!
Josie!

Mom, uh—oh!

I'm not answering, brendon.

Mom!

Brendon, quietly.

Mom!

Yes.

Josie put marbles up her nose...

What?

Josie put...

She'll be fine.

You know, more scared
than anything else.

You see, she blocked off
her nasal passages—...

You know had to mouth—breathe
for a while

With the...

That's probably what you heard
on the way over.

A lot of kids do that
the rest of their lives

But she'll be fine.

She'll be okay...
I think.

Thank you so much, doctor.

Doctor:
don't mention it.

You might want
to hold on to these.

Brendon:
I guess I didn't

Do a very good job
of watching josie,

Huh, mom?

You reacted quickly, brendon,
and that's good.

Yeah, also, you know,
I've been thinking

Maybe she's a bit, you know...

You know, I mean,
why would a normal person

Put marbles up their nose?

Because josie's a baby.

Hey, no need for name—calling.

Look, she just doesn't
know any better, brendon.

Well, you know, someone should
teach her to know better.

Know what I think, brendon?

I think as her big brother,
you can teach her some things.

Um, I can...

Sure, of course,
it'd be easy.

Uh—huh.

I could do that, yeah.

Like what?

Like not to stick marbles
up her nose.

Yes!

How about starting
with lesson one?

Right.

Don't stick the marbles
up your nose.

I can teach her—...

I can teach her
to not do that.

You know, maybe I can...

I can make a teaching video.

I can teach her
a whole bunch of stuff.

Doctor:
oh, boy, here we go again.

Oh.

Nurse!

All right, look alive out there.

Come on, everyone!

You heard him, melissa,
look... Look lively.

I mean, have a...
Have a lively look about you.

What are you,
melissa's dad or something?

Yeah.

Yeah, I thought you
looked familiar.

Ernest, right?

Eric.

Yeah, melissa's a good kid.

You know, you got
a pretty good kid there.

Eric:
I call her

My little sunshine daisy.

Melissa, you idiot!

Kick the ball!

I bet her mom's pretty,
though, huh?

She's dead.

Wow.

Good game, huh?

Was she a pretty woman
when she was around—...

You know, on earth here?

She's not actually dead.

She ran off with...
With some guy.

Oh.

So, how long were they doing it
behind your back?

Hey, let's talk
about something else.

Sure.

So, what do you think
your wife is doing

With this guy right now?

I don't know,
it's eight hours later there.

But, uh, hey, can we talk
about something else?

You have a laundry business,
right?

I'm in real estate.

Oh, real estate.

So, you're rich.

Eric.

Ernest.

No, I'm being earnest
when I say eric.

I mean you have
a lot of money.

I do okay—-
I mean, business is good.

This is a... This is a,
um, seller's market.

Well, that's good
because I'm thinking

About buying a house.

That's good;
it's a buyer's market.

You should stop
by my office sometime.

We can talk about it.

Well, let's go right now.

Shouldn't we wait
until after the game?

All right, stop play!

Lightning threat.

Everybody go back to class
as fast as you can.

Oh, man, I love coaching.

Oh, man, look at that place.

Swimming pool, sauna,
mailboxes with keys.

That's what I want.

Well, you know, let's get
the paperwork rolling

And see if we can't get
you pre—approved

Because once that happens
most of the work is over.

Sounds good.

Uh, yearly income?

Uh...
What is it?

Yeah.

It's, um...
I do all right.

You know, I need...
I need some kind of figure

For the bank
otherwise they're not going

To pre—approve you.

Can it be a lie?

It can't be a bold lie.

You can exaggerate.

You can give a gross income.

All right.

I think most people
would do that.

So, um...

Yeah, so give me a...
Give me a rough figure.

Oh, two million.

Okay, do you have the paperwork
to back that up?

I'm making it out right now.

What about...
What about savings?

Uh, two million.

And, um, do you
have credit lines anywhere?

Two million.

Okay.

Brendon, i...

Yeah?

It really seemed to me like you
were daydreaming today, uh,

In class.

I was.

I knew it.

After 18 years of teaching
I can tell the daydreamers.

Uh, that's great, mr. Lynch.

I got a question.

You see, I want
to learn how to...

To, uh, communicate
with kids.

You are a kid.

I mean younger kids.

You know,
I want...

I want to make
an educational film.

Oh!

Bitten by the teaching bug,
huh?

Well, you know, I was about
your age when it bit me.

The teaching bug.

Bit me.

I don't want to teach, though.

I want... To make a film
that teaches, you know.

I want to show it
to my baby sister,

You know because she's
at a young age

And I figure
I can get to her

Because she's like
a little sponge,

You know, she's...

Oh, you mean
like sesame street

Or mr. Rogers.
Right, well...

Yeah.

Okay, well,
not so much that.

I was thinking more
along the lines of,

You know, gattica.

Well, you know, a lot
of bright colors and music works

For almost any age.

Well, that's, yeah, okay,
that's good.

Except for maybe
the paleolithic age.

Huh?

Huh?

It's a joke, brendon.

I mean, that's when
the cavemen lived—-

During the paleolithic age.

Oh, right, cavemen.

Humor is a great tool
for teaching as well.

Yeah.

Use it.

Well, how come
you don't use it?

What?

How come you
don't use it?

Ah!

You...

Ah...

Ah...

You...

Ah, yes.

Mmm.

Touche, my young student,
touche.

Um, anyway, look, look,
I just want to know

If I get some extra credit
on this thing.

You know, after 18 years
of teaching I can always tell

When a kid wants
to make an educational film

For extra credit.

So, you'll...
You'll give me extra credit?

Well, I'll give you extra credit
if your film

Actually teaches something.

It will, don't worry.

Listen, I don't want this video
to glorify violence.

What about slapstick?

Oh!
I love slapstick.

That's a very good choice.

Really?

Yes, it can be very funny.

It's humorous.

Watch this.

Ow!

Now, watch this.

Mmm.

Ow.

Pretty funny, huh?

Um... Yeah.

What's with this
stupid machine?

Why the hell won't it go?

Hey, mcguirk, uh,
having trouble

With the fax machine?

Mcguirk:
is that what this is?

All right,
let me show you.

What are you doing?

The paper goes in uh,
face down first, all right?

Mm—hmm.

Then you dial the number,
and then you hit "start."

What...
What do you have here?

Is this
a mortgage application?

Lynch, do you mind?

You know, I let you help me
with the fax.

That was great.

Now leave.

Buying a house?

Well, I'm going to buy a condo.

You know, it's cooler.

I'm going out there later
with my real estate agent

To look it over,
so, uh...

Oh, really?
Wow.

15—Year or, uh, or 30?

What?

15—Year or 30?

15 Years or 30 years what?

You're... You're going
to have to pay it back.

Pay what back, lynch?

It's a loan that you're going
to be paying back.

Uh, but...
I didn't...

I'm not taking out a loan.

I'm...
Doing a mortgage.

Okay, good luck, mcguirk.

Look, lynch, you know, i...
I don't like you.

Uh, well, thank you.

However, I'm going to probably
have a house—warming party

And, you know, you can come.

That's great, okay,
well, I'll see you

At the teachers' meeting later.

I'm going to get one
of those satellite tvs

So that's a draw.

You know, for a party,
that's great.

Right.
Well, I'm leaving now.

Before you go...
Can I borrow $25,000?

Hi, spikey, how's it going?

Brendon:
hey, melissa.

How about a hug for spikey?

Well...

Just a little huggy for spikey,
come on.

Okay.

Okay, spikey, that's enough.

I love to hug.

Spikey, that's enough!

Look what I can do, melissa.

Spikey, that's not funny.

Yes, it is.

Okay, it's funny,
but it's dangerous.

You need a doctor.

Jason:
uh, did you call

For a doctor?

Yes.

Spikey shoved some marbles
up his nose

And now he can't breathe
through it.

Um, you shouldn't stick marbles
in your nose, spikey.

Brendon, um...
Yeah.

Why, um, can't...

Did we cut?

Yeah, we're just rolling.

Um, why can't you put marbles
in your nose?

Because it's dangerous.

Brendon, have you ever tried
to eat with your nose?

I have.

Oh.

You stick food up your nose

And your nose is connected
to your throat...

Ew!

One time I ate with my eye.

Melissa:
ew! Jason!

You're not supposed to do that.

Why didn't you just
use your mouth?

Well, I mean,
that's so obvious.

Um, I read that
to be truly human

Is to be constantly exploring.

Wow.

Anyway...

Mcguirk:
oh, my god, eric,

Look at all the women.

I want to live here.

Yeah, don't pee in the pool.

Too late.

Okay.

Ladies!

Hello, how you doing down there?

How's the pool?

Hey, look out——
cannonball, ladies!

Eric, how many floors up
are we?

Eleven.

Up and down, my friend.

Uh, forget the cannonball.

Forget the cannonball!

Uh, they seem to be ignoring me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I tell you
this is going be great.

Well, let's not get ahead
of ourselves, jon.

I mean, you haven't heard back
from the bank yet.

You know what,
the hell with the bank, eric.

I'm going to live in this place
and I'm going

To start my new life here.

You know, I think
we should continue

To check out
different price ranges.

No, forget it.

I need this place.

I don't disagree,
I just say that you

Need to keep your options open
at this point.

Do you know what kind of status
goes with living

In a place like this?

Oh, it...
It is a very, um,

Prestigious place to live.

Say good—bye
to the old jon mcguirk.

Eric.

Bye.

Thank you.

Now say hello
to the new jon mcguirk.

Okay, and how will I know
the difference?

Well, I'm turned around.

That indicates the arrival
of the...

The new jon mcguirk is going
to live here, eric, all right?

He's going to have
a respectable apartment—-

A condominium that he owns.

I'll be a homeowner.

And I may grow a mustache.

Eric.

Yes?

Mcguirk:
jon mcguirk.

Hey, jon,
what can I do for you?

Uh, well, I wanted to know
if you heard

From the loan people or...

Actually, no, I haven't
heard anything yet.

I was hoping we'd hear something
by the end of the day

Because i, uh... I just
moved out of my apartment.

W—w—what, w—w—wait,
you already mo...

Why would you move out already?

I hate that place
so I went over to my landlady

And I mooned her.

Told her to kiss
my big fat a*s.

See, i... I don't
think it's a good idea

To leave your apartment
just yet.

I hate to see you stuck, uh,
without a place to stay

Which is what could happen
if this mortgage

Doesn't come through,
and you...

What are you
talking about, eric?

You don't want
to move out before...

Well, I just moved out.

Well, you don't want to do
what you've just done

Is all I'm saying.

All right.

Just to close the sale sometimes
can take months.

Mcguirk:
yeah.

And I don't...
I don't want to see you,

Uh, left high and dry.

Right, uh, so I
made a premature move, then.

Yeah, I think it was impulsive
and premature and I think...

You don't have to overdo it,
you know.

I mean, I'm not...
"Premature" is fine.

What...
What was fine?

Just "premature."

Okay, premature, yeah, well.

My point is...
Is that,

Um, I'm kind of stuck
with the decision I made here.

Maybe I got a little
overenthusiastic but,

Um, you know, i...

Well, jon...

Mcguirk:
all I'm saying

Is put it together by the end
of the day.

Why don't you pick up
a "sorry I mooned you" card?

Mmm... Mmm...

Aren't you guys eating?

It's great.

Um, you're eating ours.

Oh, well, it's great.

Sergeant schultz is hilarious.

Oh, man, he's funny.

Dad?

Eric:
yes.

Can I go over to the small"
to watch tv?

Yes.
No.

Dad?

Listen to your mother.

Dad, I can't take this.

Isn't this a school night?

Dad?

You can go, there's no reason
why you can't go.

No, no, no, no.

Yes.
No.

No.
Yes.

Yes.
No, you can't.

I don't want you hanging out
with that kid, brendon.

You know, coach,
you're undermining my authority

As a parent.

Yeah.

That's the downside.

The plus side
is I think I love you.

It's awful, brendon.

And he smells.

I wish there was something
I could do to help you, melissa

But my hands are tied,
you know.

Hey, melissa, I just
used your toothbrush.

Oh!

I hope you don't mind.

Brendon, he just
used my toothbrush!

What do I do?

Let him have it, then.

Melissa, can I use your, uh,
apricot shower wash?

Sorry to interrupt.

Melissa, the call's coming
from inside the house.

Brendon, is that you?

Coach mcguirk,
how's it going?

Well, it couldn't
be better, actually.

Mcguirk:
melissa?

Yeah?

So, what's the...
What's the word there?

I'm going to leave
you two alone...

No, brendon.

To chat because, uh,
this sounds important.

Good—bye.

Oh, he was curt.

What, are you guys in a fight?

No, um...

Mcguirk:
yeah, I was asking

If I could use your,
uh, body wash.

Eric?

Eric?

Hold that thought.

Yes?

Eric, what the hell
are you doing?

Get up.

I'm... I'm meditating.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

I thought only women did that.

I'm doing it boy—style.

This is my, uh,
my warrior stance.

So, you're meditating?

Yeah.

And what does that do?

It, uh, relaxes me,
it calms me.

Well, that's stupid.

You should try it,
it might work for you.

I don't think meditation
is going to work for me.

You know, I have different ways
of relaxing myself.

You want to give this a shot?

I don't know, eric.

It's, uh... I don't think
I could sit like that.

You know, I have, uh,
really thick legs.

Sit like I'm sitting.

No, I'm not going to do that.

Give it a shot, just...

All right,
I'll give it a shot.

Sit like I'm sitting and, uh,
take a deep breath in.

And as you're
letting it out, go:

Om...

Om...

Whoops.

Dad, how much longer
do you think coach mcguirk

Is going to live with us?

Well, you know, it's only
been four hours, melissa.

I think we...

We got to give him
at least a day.

Mcguirk:
hey, eric, where's your plunger?

Oh, no.

'Cause this thing
is messed up.

Is he in my car?

So I would like to, uh...

I would like to watch the tape
and i...

I welcome your feedback...
To a point.

Don't overdo it,
because I am sensitive

About my work
just as I'm sure you

Wouldn't want me making fun
of your sweater

Or your haircut over there...

Uh, brendon?
Or your lisp.

Okay, uh...
Uh, brendon?

Well, I'm...
Brendon?

I'm going to...
Brendon?

I'm about to...
Can we...

But...
Brendon.

Let's get on with the film.

Brendon:
on with the film.

Hi, I'm spikey mcmarbles,
and this is my nose.

And when I'm feeling lucky,
I use it like a hose.

Spikey, that's not right.

Don't stick marbles
where there is no light.

Spikey, I'm dr. Teachem.

I'm going to have to operate
to get the marbles

Out of your nose.

Dr. Teachem, is spikey stupid
because he puts marbles

Up his nose?

Yes.

No.

He, uh, just hasn't learned
not to do it.

But he might be
a little stupid, too.

Spikey, why do you put marbles
in your nose?

Spikey:
because I can't hold them

Between my toes.

Spikey, you should keep your
marbles in this pouch.

I'll stuff that bag
right in my mouth!

Ow!

Hey kids, take it from me,
spikey mcmarbles—...

Don't stick marbles
in your nose.

Bye for now.

Bye.
Bye, kids.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Brendon, this has got to be
the worst movie we've ever...

♪ Don't put marbles
in your nose ♪

♪ Put them in there
do not put them in there ♪

♪ Don't put marbles
in your nose ♪

♪ Put them in there
do not put them in there ♪

♪ Don't put marbles
in your nose ♪

♪ Put them in there
do not put them in there... ♪

Okay, so, tell me at what point
did you get the urge

To stick marbles
into your nose?

When spikey told me not to.

♪ Don't put marbles... ♪

Brendon, I'm sorry.

I know you were counting on me
and stuff

But I had to find out
for myself.

And I'll tell you something——
it was great.

♪ Put them in there
do not put them in there ♪

♪ Don't put marbles
in your nose ♪

♪ Put them in there
do not put them in there ♪

♪ Don't put marbles
in your nose ♪

♪ Put them in there
do not put them in there ♪

♪ Don't put marbles
in your nose ♪

Mcguirk:
eric, I'm dying up here.

It's like a sauna.

I can't live like this.

Well, you know, it's small
but it's also...

Crappy.

I was going to say "cozy."

I mean there's no pool,
there's no women.

I'm sweating like a pig.

It's a fixer—upper.

It's a piece—of—crapper.

Hey, let's check out
some more places.

All right.

You know, this...
This place is not that bad.

A little paint...
A little more paint.

Paint the windows...

Yeah, eric...?

It could look like it
was just painted.

Eric.

Yeah?

Why are you laughing?

I don't know,
I guess it's a bad sign

When your realtor's laughing.

Yeah.

Wow, this is nice.

Well, I told you
we would find something.

This is actually very nice.

Wha—wha—what did they say
was wrong with it?

A small kitchen fire.

So it needs a little work,
I'm guessing.

Probably some...
Some new wallpaper.

Mm—hmm.

But it's really quite nice.

Mcguirk:
huh.

Wow.

Eric, do you check these places
out before you bring...?

I don't want to do your job
for you, but this is not one

You want to bring people
around to anymore.

Yeah.

I don't see the educational
value in the film, brendon.

I'm sorry.

Wa—wa—wait——
you don't see...

You don't see the educational
value in this?

I...

No, I don't, I'm sorry.

There's no extra credit on this,
I'm sorry.

But what about all the work
I did?

The video did not teach kids
not to put marbles

In their noses, brendon.

In fact, I spent the rest
of the day pulling marbles

Out of their noses,
if you remember.

Do you know what that is like?

Well, maybe they had...

Look at my hands.

Maybe they had them in...

Look, look, brendon if you
want to make

A truly good educational film...

No, not me, forget it.

What?

I—i—i don't know.

Look, what are you going to do
with all those marbles?

Probably donate them somewhere,
that's all.

I'm not going to put them
in my nose

If that's what you're thinking.

Is that what you're thinking?

Yes.

You're wrong, I'm not.

All right, you don't mind
if I take them, then.

Just take them.

All right, I will,
I'll take them.

Just take them—-
leave two.

Eric, I just want
to say thanks again

For getting my landlady
to take me back, you know?

Well, you're more
than welcome.

I'm sorry it was so...
So much money.

Are you sure you can live
with that?

No!
But it doesn't matter.

I'm not going to pay it anyway.

But that was fun,
when we were looking

For houses together...

Yes, it was.

Yeah.

Remember that condo
we looked at?

Yeah.

With the pool——
that was fun.

I'm still laughing.

Mcguirk:
yeah.

Well, I should get going now.

You know, you have a fun way
of showing people houses.

Hmm, thanks.

Well, I should get going, jon.

Yeah, well, I mean
I'll see you around.

I mean, I know where you live.

Sure.

The next time you want to try
to buy a house again,

Let me know.

Okay, how about next week?

Sounds like fun.

Mcguirk:
really?

Lynch:
you need some

Help there, mcguirk?

No, I can do it, lynch.

Oh, is that another
mortgage application?

Yeah, I'm thinking about buying
a couple more houses.

Oh, great,
the market's good, huh?

Oh, yeah, in fact,
the market's so good

I was thinking
of buying the market.

You're being sarcastic there,
aren't you?

No!

Wait a minute,
that was sarcastic.

It's a copy of a lease.

Oh, so you decided not to buy?

Yeah, that's it,
I decided not to buy.

You couldn't find anything
you liked, I guess, huh?

Yeah.

W—w—wrong way, mcguirk.

Let me have it.

Flip it around, like this,
all right.

Wow, expensive rent!

Where... Where are you
moving to?

Actually, I'm not moving.

This is my old place.

My landlady raised the rent
a bit, you know?

That's too bad.

Tripled it.

You know there are laws that say
you can only raise the rent

By a certain percentage.

So, what's your point?

My point is that maybe you
can use the law

To your advantage.

Oh, please.

What's that, a marble?

Uh... No, it's for, um...

Wow!

How did that get in my hand?

Lynch, why are you
carrying around marbles?

Got to go.

See, josie, that's a hospital.

You were in a hospital.

'Member hospital?

'Member hospital?

Can you say "hospital"?

Can you say that?

"h*s—pit—al"!

Brendon?
Brendon?

h*s...!

Maybe we should just
watch the video.

Please?

Brendon:
oh, okay.

Good.

Voice on video:
one, two, three, four...

Brendon:
look, mom.

Mom, look.

Look at josie——
she's learning, mom.

So am i, brendon.

Oh.

Yeah.

Um, mom, can you say,
"put a cork on the wine

Because I think you've had
enough to drink"?

Ooh, can we say
"a glass of wine a day

Is very, very good for you"?

Can we say "lunatic"?

"Lu—na—tic"!

Brendon, can you say...

Ow!

Bull's—eye.

Yeah.

♪ Put them in there
do not put them in there ♪

♪ Don't put marbles
in your nose ♪

♪ Put them in there
do not put them in there ♪

♪ Don't put marbles
in your nose ♪

♪ Put them in there
do not put them in there ♪

♪ Marbles in your nose ♪