01x10 - School Nurse

[bunniefuu]

Nurse:
this is disgusting.

Uh—oh, it looks like jason
has the lice.

I think the lice have jason.

Lice is disgusting.

Oh, yuck!

What exactly are lice?

They're little bugs
that live in your hair.

How do you get rid of them?

Well, you can put
this powder on your head

Or you can use this special
shampoo and drown them.

Drown them?
Is that ethical?

They're parasites, brendon;

They're not supposed
to be there.

Oh, well.

Thumbs up, guys,
I've got the lice.

Eww!

You're up, melissa.

And I'll see you two later.

I have to get home.

Wish me luck, brendon.

Good luck.

Hey, jason, wait.

I probably shouldn't be
standing right next to you

Because if you don't
have the lice

You'll probably get it from me.

That's fine with me, but wait.

You get to go home
because of the lice?

Yes, the nurse says I have
several different species

Of lice in my head.

Right.

She said they practically
form their own ecosystem.

Right, yeah, but you
get to go home?

Brendon, I have an ecosystem
living in my head——yes.

So bye—bye.

Oh, gross.

I'm sorry, honey.

Oh, throw up!

What? I don't have lice, do i?

Princess darling, you have like
a million lice on your head.

No... No... No!

I'm sorry, angel, I'm sorry.

Go home now.

I don't want the lice.

Next, please.
Who's next?

How do you do?

Good, good, why don't you hop up
on the chair, here, honey.

Yes.

Anything moving around in there?

I don't see much
of anything really.

You look good.

Didn't you even look?

Um... Yes, I did.

Because that didn't take
any time at all.

I need the next one,
please, next, yes.

I just accidentally
dropped this.

Why don't you, uh...

Can I get another check?

You need your mom to come pick
you up, you're confirmed.

But I'm... I also
like the check.

Okay, I need to see...

I think I was misdiagnosed.

Can I have their passes
to go home?

Next please.

You lucky sons of...

Brendon, listen to this.

It's a speech for the assembly
that's coming up.

Okay.

See brendon, I need a strong
team next season, you know,

Instead of what I have,
which is you

And a dozen other kids who hate
soccer and can't play... At all.

I'm all ears.

Let's see here...

All right, everyone,
quiet down, listen up.

I'm not here to joke around.

The name's mcguirk.
Soccer's my game.

That could be rewritten,
brendon, that part right there.

Anyway... Hey, what do you
kids think, I'm joking here?

I said shut up, all right?

How would everybody like to go
to the principal's office?

Okay, you're starting out
just a little defensive.

A little too negative
on the, uh...

I just feel like you're going
to risk alienating the audience.

It's just that I read a book
that said write what you know.

Right.

And then it also said write
how you normally speak.

I'll tell you, it sounds
very natural but, you know,

You want new players.

This could scare them off
a little bit.

You know, the catch more flies
with honey thing, you know.

No, what are you saying?

Just start a little,
possibly nicer...

On an up note, yeah.

Well, I felt I did start
on an up note.

I said quiet down.

And I had a lot of energy
when I said that, brendon.

Yeah, the energy's
definitely there...

Coach?

Sorry I missed practice
the other day.

I have a note from the nurse.

Let me see that.
What are you, sick?

Lice.

Did you say yes?

Lice.

I can't hear you, melissa.

Did you say yes?

She had lice, coach.

Yeah.

Oh, she had lice——
you have lice?

Those little parasitical bugs...

Yes.

Shucks, I forgot.

Coach, I think
I've got lice, too.

And I better go to the nurse.

Nurse? I thought she quit.

No, the new nurse, coach.

She's good and she's way
prettier than mrs. Bryerman.

Really?

Well, mrs. Bryerman
was not pretty.

We all agree on that, right?

Yes.

Perhaps I should bring
that note,

Melissa to her, check it out.

Okay.

Maybe if you had the lice
maybe the coach

Has a little case
of the lice, too.

I mean, you never know.

Jumping bugs, right?

So a bug could have just
jumped on me right now...

I don't have it anymore.

But, how do you know?

Okay, who knows what biology is?

Is that a book
about someone's life?

Yes, melissa, very good.

No, wait—— it's not a book
about someone's life.

That's a "biography."

Biology is the study
of your body.

Well, and other
living things, too.

For example, with us
the most important thing

To learn about us is the heart.

A lot of people think, you know,
the heart is where the heart is.

It is, it's exactly there.

And anyway...

Oh, jeez.

What's the matter?

Oh, the tummy.

Are you okay?

h*! Whoo! Ow!

Everybody, have a nice day.

I'm going to the nurse,
and I'm going home.

Good luck.

Stretch them across america
and be in all three time zones.

Excuse me, mr. Lynch... Ow!

Brendon, do you have
a question about biology?

Uh... Yeah.

Oh, boy.

What does it mean
when your stomach feels

Like it's going to explode?

Hmm?

Because i...

Well, you should go to the nurse
and have this checked out.

Well, here, take the pass
but I want you to tell us

What happens to you there
as a study in——class?——Biology.

Everybody?

All:
biology.

That's very good.

And that's very good
to speak in unison.

What are we speaking in,
class?——Everybody?

All:
unison.

Lynch:
right.

Okay, brendon, take off.

Okay, sweetie, why don't you
hop off the table for me.

Um... "Sweetie"?

What?

Did you just call me sweetie?

Oh, I guess I did.

Yeah, you definitely did.

Listen, jason, I want you
to try washing more often.

That's going to keep all of your
open sores and scratches

From getting infected.

Uh... Nurse kirkman,
that perfume you're wearing

Is intoxicating.

Oh, that's very nice of you.

Oh... Oh, my g—-
you touched my arm.

Are you okay?

Yes, nurse kirkman.

Look, I want you to start
taking better care of yourself.

You do?

Yes, because you, sweetheart are
a breeding ground for bacteria.

Sorry.

That's... That's fine.

How embarrassing.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Look, nurse kirkman,
let's have a talk.

Okay.

Let me first say I think...

Brendon:
hello.
Hey, jason.

Brendon, what are you
doing here?

Um... Why don't you go?

I'm sick.

Okay, so go home.

Get well quick soon,
brendon——bye.

Okay, fine.
Nurse, good day.

Hmm... That was abrupt.

I see you have a pass.

Oh, right, of course.

My stomach is bleeding! Ow!

You're experiencing pain?

Are you joking?

Pain isn't a descriptive
enough word

For what's going on down here.

It's... More like a severe...
Pain.

Okay, mind if I take
your temperature?

If you have to.

I mean, if you can't
take my word.

98.6—— you're fine, brendon.

I'll tell you, I've seen
a lot of fakers in my time.

I'm not faking.

Yes, you are.

Mcguirk:
hello. Hi, I'm coach mcguirk.

Hello.

Hey, coach.

Brendon, what are you, sick?

No.

Brendon:
yes.

No.

I figured I'd drop by introduce
myself to... To you.

Brendon, I know you,
so get out.

And like I said,
I'm coach mcguirk

And you are the new nurse,
am I right?

That's right.

Thus the outfit.

I guess I just wanted
to meet you

Because soccer's a rough game,
a lot of cuts and bruises.

So I'll be sending
a lot of business your way.

Well, hopefully, I'll send them
right back out at you.

I think we already have
a great rapport.

I think I'm actually sick now.

So, you know, jen—-
I can call you jen, right?

Yeah.

We're at a bar, I don't want
to call you "nurse."

Right, I actually am a person
when I leave school, so...

Yeah, and you know what?

I'm—— well, I'm not,
but I get your point.

Listen, what can I get you?

You want a beer or do you want
a...?

No, just a soda.

Shot of hard liquor?

You want like a...?

Uh, no, just a soda.

All right, whatever.

Listen, uh... Here... Cheers!

Let me welcome you to...
To the neighborhood.

Yeah, I certainly
appreciate this.

Yeah.

And let's do this.

Ready?

Action.

Uh... Patient is suffering from
a hematoma in the left, uh...

Right ventricle... Medical.

According to this,
the epiglottis is submerged

In the aortic chamberal
esophogusal chamber.

We'll have to operate.

How are you feeling?

Melissa:
horrible.

Horrible.

Okay, then it's settled—-
we operate.

The longer you wait,
the worse chances I have.

Could you anesthetize her?

Gladly—— how much
should I give her, doctor?

I... Don't know.
A million? Two million?

I... Two million?
I can't afford that.

Million and a half.

Million and a half's worth
of anesthesia coming up.

Oh, great.
She's dead... Oops!

Nice job, doctor.

Well, time of death is 7:30.

I'm hungry—— let's eat.

No, no, not on my shift.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We can save her.

Inject her with, um...

Syringe.

The syringe?

Right—— but put something
inside it.

Five billion ccs of adrenaline.

Um...

Don't you think that's
a little steep, sir... Doctor?

I'm the doctor.

Okay.

I'm alive!

Oh, good.

We'll bill you later.

Mcguirk:
so I said, "you want it clean?!
"Huh? You want it clean?!

"You clean it!

"Clean it yourself!

Clean it yourself!"

And I have not seen my mother
since that point.

Um... Wow!

And you know what darwin said—...

That "we" ——
and I'm talking about men—...

We are trying
to date our mothers.

I've heard that...

It got me thinking—— am I trying
to date my mother?

You know, I mean, my... My
mother can't stand me.

I can't stand my mother and,
uh...

That relationship
has been reliving itself

Through other women
for my whole life.

Can you believe that?

Right... No... Um...

But anyway, you're pretty
like my mother is.

This is funny.

Anybody can become
a soccer coach.

Like they don't regulate.

You have to get
like a degree, right?

I do have...

And so you're qualified.

Very.

Yeah, I'm not.

Yeah.

Which is amazing that you could
become a coach of a sport

That you don't even care about.

You don't know how to play,
you're not good with kids...

Yeah.

But I have had the job
for three years.

Yeah, you, uh...

You'd think they'd check up
and evaluate, but they don't.

Are you tired?

A little bit, yeah.

Yeah, well, we can stay, right?

I mean, you're going
to hang it in there right.

You're going to...

We're going to...

We're in this for the long haul.

I might just finish up
this soda and then, um...

Right, right, right, right.
Me, too, me, too.

I'm going to do that, too.

I'll finish my drink
and then we'll, uh...

I'll take you home
or something.

Let me...

Let me give you a ride.

You shouldn't drive.

Mm—mm... No, I should drive...

I should drive.

You're a little...

Wow, you're right——
I've got the rubber legs.

So maybe you'll drive...

Okay.

Remember when I was
yelling about my mother?

Uh... Yeah, I think
everyone here remembers.

Was that weird?

Well, this is, uh... This is me.

Yeah, well, uh, get some rest.

And this is me.

Hey, um, I hope that you
had a nice time tonight.

'Cause I certainly did.

You're very nice.

You don't say much...

Yeah.

Which is fine.

I don't like talkers.

Oh... Thanks for the welcome.

Um, so you should come in.

Listen, um...

Well, the thing is, i...

I could just...

Bought this new
coffee grinder.

Okay.

Have you heard of arabica?

Uh, never.

It's a type of coffee which
apparently is amazing.

Oh, uh, I don't drink...

And, um, and it supposedly
has like almost

Hallucinogenic effects.

Definitely wouldn't be...

Now, I know you're a nurse
and you probably don't get

Into that kind of stuff,
but I do.

And I could drink the coffee
and hallucinate

And you could watch me.

And, I could put on, I have a,
I have a reggae
album collection.

♪ Rasta man... ♪

Hey, listen, I'm going to go.

You don't want to come in and...

I, I'll see you
at school tomorrow.

Thanks though, thanks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy.

I don't want you to...

It's a little flabby
around the mid—section.

It's embarrassing.

I'm not a young man anymore
like I used to be.

It was firm a couple
of years ago.

Okay I'd better...

Now my metabolism changed.
I couldn't stop that.

I'd better get going.

You get fat, lady.
You get fat.

Yep.

That's what you do.

Are you sure you don't want
to come in right now?

No.

Lynch:
somebody's, uh... Thirsty today.

I'm not thirsty, lynch,
I'm... I'm dehydrated.

Hmm... Dehydrated.

There's a big difference.

You know, I have to tell you
this but I noticed

That you and the nurse left
together after school yesterday.

That's right, we did, yes.

You two, uh... Have fun?

Yeah, we had fun,
we had fun, I guess.

What did you guys do?

You ask a lot of questions,
lynch, huh?

What, are you in love with her?

No, no.

She's a very nice woman, though.

Well, we did, so you saw.
So big deal, so what of it?

Well, we have a community here
and I saw something happening

In the community and I thought
I'd ask you about it.

Look, lynch, I don't remember
what happened, all right

But I think it was good.

I think it went well.

Mm—hmm.

I'll tell you this—...

I think her and I will be seeing
each other again, soon.

Mm—hmm.

It also means hands off.

You know what I'm saying?

Hands off.

Yeah.

I'm going to lay it on the line
with you right now, lynch,

All right?

Typically, I wouldn't do this
because I don't like you

And I don't like talking to you
but the point is, here,

Me and nurse kirkman
are together.

We're an item.

Mm—hmm.

You're a smart guy, right?
You know what to do.

You know what's right.
You keep away.

Hmm.

Oh, this is revolting.

I had no idea how many diseases
there were.

Tell me about it.

Like this—— uh, scurvy.

I think I might seriously
have that.

Brendon, you don't have scurvy.

Only pirates get scurvy.

The pirates and me.

Wait. Write that down.

That's a good movie title.

Hmm.

Take this book away from me.

I can't look at it anymore.

I have every disease in here.

Actually, you do look a little
more pasty than usual.

Yeah, brendon,
and your eyes look glassy.

I feel pasty and glassy.

I'm going to lie down.

Jason, what are you drawing?

Um... Um... It's a picture
of me and the nurse.

I've got to tell her
how I feel but... I mean,

What if she doesn't like me
and then I get burned?

Jason, there are ways to tell
if a woman likes you.

Please, there's no actual way
to tell...

Brendon, stop.
I need too hear this.

Does she call you cute names?

Oh, my god, she does.

Does she laugh at your jokes?

Uh... Yeah, she does.

Does it seem like she tries
to find ways to touch you

While she's talking to you?

When she's examining me,
she touches me

But she has a glove on.

Hmm... Well, then,
I think she likes you.

Really?

Well, um, what do I do?

Well, you have to do something
before she loses interest

'Cause women are fickle.

What's, um, fickle?

It means they lose interest
easily.

Oh, maybe I should, uh,
buy her something—-

A gift.

That's always good.

Something a nurse would want,
like, um...

A thermometer?

Hmm.

And you could write
a cute note like

"You get my
temperature rising,"

Or something.

That's clever... Kind of.

Morning.

Hey, good coffee.

Why, thank you.

Did you make it?

Yes, i... No.

But I helped change
the, uh, bottle

For the water—cooler thing,
uh...

Oh, okay.

So, i, uh... I understand
there's, uh...

You and, uh, you and mcguirk
are, uh,

You know seeing each other,
right?

What? No, no.

Well, that's, uh...

That's the way he puts it.

Go... No, not at all.

Lynch, let me tell you,
the other night

When we went out I had to drive
him home because he was so drunk

And he passed out

And I had to push him
out of the car.

Yeah.

Uh, wild!

Well... Hello.

Hi, there.

Hi.

Uh, can I talk to you
for a second?

Okay.

I just, um, wanted to thank you
for the other night.

And, I'm looking forward to
doing that again.

You know, lets not fool
ourselves here—-

It was special.

I felt it, so did you.

Um..

So, uh, all right.

There we go,
let the games begin.

Uh...

All right, so we'll, uh...
We'll talk later then.

And, you, I see what you're
doing and hands off, all right?

Hmm.

Uh...

Do you want me to talk to him?

Oh, no, no, no.

I've handled
these situations before.

You know what?

Say no more.

I know him
and it really won't be...

No, seriously, don't make
a big deal out of it.

Come on, pull it together now.

Trap the ball!

Trap it!

Shh... I'm sorry.

Can you do that quieter?

Brendon, get in there
for jeremy.

Oh, coach, I can't.

I feel terrible.

I don't care——
get in there.

You can't fool me.

Jeremy, out!

Brendon, in!

No way, coach...

Hey, mcguirk.

Lynch, you lost, huh?

You want a map?

No, thanks, um..

You got a minute?

I, uh, just wanted to tell you
something that the nurse, uh...

I talked to the nurse...

Mm—hmm.

And I think you, uh...

Well, I mean,
I've spoken to her...

Look, lynch, if you've got
something to say

About me and the nurse, say it.

All right, okay, all right...

You know what?

Well...

Forget it.

Don't say it, just go.

Get out of here.

All I'm telling...
Saying is, uh...

Oh, hi, brendon!

Brendon doesn't look, uh...

Well, um, let me, uh, preface
this by first saying...

Well, you aren't going to like
what follows...

The preface...

Kirkman:
jason, you seem clean today.

What, did you accidentally fall
in the tub?

I, um... Think it's a good time
to tell you something.

Sure.

I wrote it down... Here.

Hold on one second.

Okay.

Okay.

"Nurse, beautiful swan..."

All right, we got to talk.

Ah, we're kind of in the middle
of something.

Why do I have to find out from
lynch that we're not,

You know, together?

What?

I want answers right now.

Okay, well, actually really
we're not together.

Oh, great.

So that's it, then?

What about the other night?

That meant nothing to you?

Oh, god!

Um, what night?

Not now, jason.

I'll k*ll you!

Kid, I got no beef with you.

You passed out in my car——
that's it.

Hey, what,
that's not something?

Jason, stop.

Lynch:
hey!

I was going to go out
to get a salad and, uh...

Mcguirk...

Oh, and, uh...

Well, I can see
it's a bad time.

If you want one, I'll...

Okay, thank you.

Look, I've got a reputation,
all right?

Nobody knows about my
reputation, but, uh...

Not being interested in me
is not going to help.

Okay, right, um,
you're going to have to leave.

Uh, I think I'm dying.

Brendon, no.

I don't have time for you
right now.

Well, maybe you have time
for this.

I feel horrible,
for real for the first time

Since I've been faking.

And I guess the purpose
of this documentary

Is so I can study it
and learn how to fake better

And grow as a faker.

So I can enjoy the free time
when being sent home

Rather than throwing up
every five seconds which,

Incidentally,
isn't terribly relaxing.

Um, so...

Brendon, you're supposed
to be relaxing.

Mom, no, not now.

No, brendon, the doctor
said it was psychosomatic or...

Stress related or...
Menopausal... Something.

I wasn't paying attention.

Stress related...
Stress related.

Right, so you have to relax.

Hmm.

You've done it
this time, brendon.

You're really sick.
Are you happy now?

Um, yeah, I appreciate
the irony.

Can I get you anything?

You can get me a bucket
and some darvon.

Brendon, mommy ate
the bucket of darvon for lunch.

But I'm making soup.

Do you want some soup?

Yeah, I guess so.

What kind?

Okay, I was bluffing, actually.

I thought you were sick
to your stomach.

Well, yeah...

Brendon?

Did I ever tell you I used
to get these terrible

Stress headaches in college?

You went to college?

Oh, whoops.
Cat's out of the bag.

No. But I would
get these headaches.

Right, so what would you do?

I'd scream at my roommates
to be quiet.

What, they were loud?

They were idiots...

And loud.

Oh, and...

They were loud idiots.

You know, I should call them.

Why is that?

Well, to find out
what's become of them

How they're doing because
you need to keep in touch

And find out what's become
of the people who were once

In your life so that you can
measure your life

Against their life
and see who won.

Oh.

And I am way ahead.

Yeah, can you pass me
that bucket, please?

All right,
quiet down and listen up.

I'm not joking around here.

The name's mcguirk
and soccer's the game.

We need new players
for next season.

So if you don't suck
at soccer,

You come to my office tomorrow
and talk to me.

I'll be there.

Well, I won't be there tomorrow.

But just come to my office,
they'll set it up.

And, uh, while I have
your attention today

I thought I'd like to dispel
any rumors

That might be circulating
about me.

I would never ever date
any faculty members.

Even if they begged me
to date them I would say no.

Unless they really begged.

But they would have to beg
a lot in the next 60 seconds

Or they blew it.

59... 58... 57...

56... Okay...

You know, jason,

I thought about
what you said and, um,

I would like
to be your girlfriend.

Really?

Yes, but not until
you're 30, okay?

Until then, it's going to have
to be strictly professional.

So, you, uh... If you wait
till I'm 30 that will make you,

Like, 60—something.

Yep, 60—something.

Ah... That doesn't thrill me.

26... Last chance... 25...

I know, I've got to finish.

24... 23...

22... Twenty—two...

Two—two...

Ah... 21...

Come on, take a look at this!

You can't pass it up!

20...