01x07 - It Was Supposed to Be Funny

[bunniefuu]

Okay.

For this scene, we got to focus
on emotion, on motivation.

Melissa, you look great.

Thank you.

But you don't feel great.

I don't?

No, you're rita and rita's
tormented, you know.

Tormented?

Yeah.

Brendon, how do I look?

You look, uh, forlorn, jason.

Do I look great?

No... No.

You look forlorn.

I don't feel forlorn.

Jason, you're playing
the part of randy.

And randy is forlorn.

Brendon?

Yeah?

Um, is this forlorn?

No, actually no——forlorn...

How about this...

Forlorn is sad, jason,
you've got to...

How about this?

Melissa.
Yeah?

How do you spell
"sophisticated"?

Um...

Okay, sophisticated:
s—o—f...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down.

Take it one letter at a time.

As you were saying.

Sophisticated.
S—o—f...

Wait, you know what?

You don't have to do
that spelling bee crap.

It's just the way
that I know how to spell it.

But in reality you don't have to
say words before you say them.

Like I don't have to say say
every every word word

Twice twice.

All right? All right?

Okay.

Sophisticated.

You did it again, melissa.

I'm sorry.

Just spell the word.

Um... I can't do it
without saying it.

Come on.

S—o—f...

All right, s—o—f...

I—s...

T—i...
T...

Right.
Right.

E...

Sophisticated—— d—c...

I thought it was over.

D...

C—d.

And then another "d" at the end.

Two ds at the end?

Does it look right with two ds?

No.

One "d."

Do you have an eraser?

Yeah.

Well, give it to me.

The eraser smells
like strawberries.

Well, it doesn't taste
like strawberries.

C—d.

Wow, that's a long word.

I know.

Do me a favor, will you?

Read this and tell me
what you think.

What is it?

It's a paper I wrote—...

An article.

Wow.

Yeah.

I write for
a newspaper occasionally.

That's impressive.

Yeah——
well, just read it, please.

Okay.

"Handsome, sofis... Handsome..."

"Sophisticated," melissa.

Oh, right.
"Handsome, sofisticated man.

Enjoys fine wine
and lots of it..."

Yeah, I love that.

"Seeks beautiful woman
for long walks."

That's really sweet,
coach mcguirk.

I changed it
from "enjoys alcohol."

It sounds nicer.

I have to boil down my whole
personality in one huge lie.

You did a good job.

Well, thanks.

Jason, stop picking your nose.

Melissa, I'm not picking it.

I'm pulling things out of it.

Oh, wha...
We're set for saturday, right?

Hi, brendon.

Hi, jason.
We're set for saturday, guys?

Saturday?

Brendon:
yeah.

Um, stop picking your nose.

No, because the, the...

All right, guys,
so we're on for saturday?

Brendon, I think I'm available
maybe even next saturday.

Okay, you know, I'm only
actually interested in, uh...

Actually, brendon,
I can't make it.

What do you mean, uh,
you can't make it?

Well, I'm going to visit my
grandfather in the nursing home.

Do you have to go?

No, but I like visiting him.

I mean, he's really old,

But he's really nice.

For your own sake,
do not go because, you know,

It's not healthy for you
to be hanging around

With old people because,
you know, you could catch

An old person's disease and, uh,
suddenly become old.

Brendon, that's a myth.

You'd like my grandfather.

He's a great storyteller.

You know titanic?

Yeah, of course I do.

He saw the original movie.

Whoa, well, that's, uh...

Uh, brendon, my grandfather
calls me debbie

And tries to kiss me.

No, my grandfather was, um,
a surgeon and lost a,

Malpractice suit because he cut
off the wrong leg.

That's awful!

It's... It's terrible, jason.

Yeah, that's what
the patient said

But he was a little more angry.

Is your grandfather
still a surgeon?

No. That's the short story.

The long story is that now
he is a very successful,

Uh, malpractice lawyer.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Small residence.

Brendon?

Uh, who's calling, please?

It's me.

Hey.

Hey.

Kevin.

No. It's melissa.

Oh.

Melissa:
what are you doing?

Talking to you.

I have an idea.
Actually a proposition.

Brendon:
I'm listening.

Do you want to do a documentary
about my grandfather?

I'm, uh, not listening, no.

Why?

Melissa, I don't
do documentaries.

How come?

Brendon:
because I don't.

Oh, I see.

You don't do them because
they're too hard.

What? No.

Oh, maybe because
a documentary's

Not like a regular movie.

Melissa, I know the difference
between a documentary

And a regular movie, okay, so.

Yeah?

Yeah, I do.

And I have the versatility
to do both.

Yeah?

Yeah, and I will do your
documentary of your grandfather.

I will, because as a director
I don't want

To be pigeon—toed, all right?

You mean pigeonholed?

Yes.

So you'll do it?

Yeah, of course I will.

Okay, good, because
here's the best part.

My father said
that he'll pay you

Because he wants
to show the video

At my grandfather's 75th
birthday party next week.

Pay? As in money?

Mm—hmm.

For doing what I love to do?

Throw a number out, you know.

Ten.

That sounds great.

Okay. I got to go.

I already hung up.

Oh. Brendon?

♪ Ba boo boo ♪

We're sorry, the call you...

♪ A doody doody dee... ♪

Brendon, that's enough
of the song!

Mom! Hey, I'm being creative.

♪ The lights are red... ♪

Look at this guy.
It's a car, not a couch.

Come on, you old fart.

Oh, mom! Yeah!

Come on, gramps,
let's go, move it!

Yeah, old people!

He's sleeping.

Sleeping!

Move it!

Move it!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, mom, we have so much fun
on our car rides.

Don't we?

Mom, mom, mom...

Hey, is this mozart?

I think vivaldi.

No, no, behind you.

Dad, not too much butter.

You've got to watch
your cholesterol.

You're absolutely right.
You have it.

So, dad, how was your day?

I didn't tell you?

I sold two houses.

That's great!

Yeah, and one of them
was for sale.

Dad.

How was school?

I got a star on my paper.

Well, you can get it off.
Don't worry.

No, that—that's good.

Did you sell a house?

No.

Loser!

No... But I am so proud of you,
melissa.

You know that, don't you?

Yes.

Hey, I'm excited about
this video recording project.

Grandpa is really going
to love it or hate it.

He's going to react.

Two kids' cheeseburgers
and one adult.

Two small fries.

Yes, mother.

No, forget the small fries...
Just one large.

But mom...

Two small orange sodas.

Mom, mom, I want my own fries.

No, we're going to split it.

No, mom...

Two small orange sodas
and a large...

Mom, I want my own!

You never finish your fries—...

It's a waste of food and money.

But someday I'm going
to finish them, mom

And today could be that day.

Don't you feel it, mom?

Come on!

Man:
come on!

Yeah, mom, see, mom,
even the speaker guy says

I should have my own fries
and he does this for a living.

It's true.

Mom, he deals with fries
all day!

No!

How about I handle my kids,
okay, mister?

Just trying to help.

Do you have money on you?

No.

Okay, look——
you distract the waiter.

I'm going to slip out the back
and start the car, okay?

Dad.

Okay, you distract the waiter;
I'll start the car.

Dad.

Okay, you know what?
Forget the car.

Let's just both distract
the waiter.

How's your cheeseburger,
brendon?

Is that what this
is supposed to be?

Funny, how are those fries
coming along?

Um, I don't know what
you're talking about.

I think I still see
some fries there.

Well, i, uh, can't finish them.

Thank you for asking.

Why can't you finish them?

Because there are too many.

Oh, darn.

Too many fries, huh?

You just can't finish
your own fries.

Mom...

And I forgot to bring
my bag of i—told—you—sos.

You got a new bag
of i—told—you— sos?

Yeah, remind me to give you
a great, big, fat bag

Of i—told—you—sos when we get
home, okay, brendon?

Mom, we hardly have enough money
for fries and you're,

Like, spending money on bags
of i—told—you—sos?

Watch it, brendon.

"Where were you
when kennedy was shot?"

It became america's question.

I, myself, I was at work.

Al steele came into my office.

He said to me,
"kennedy has been shot."

And I saw a tear rolling
down his cheek.

He was crying.

So...

This sucks.

This is so boring.

Melissa's dad is going
to ask for his money back

And I've already spent it
and he hasn't even paid me yet.

You know, it's very educational.

So's a book!

You know, I can't have my name
attached to something like this.

Brendon, it's what
melissa wanted.

I bet I can make it better,
jason.

I can save this puppy.

Grandpa ned, gram...

Hey, hey, captain.

Hey, wake up.
How are you?

Okay?

To the left——
over to the left.

Okay.

Nice.

Tell us some stories
about the w*r and stuff.

Oh, yes, world w*r ii.

We called it w—w—ii.

What about when you used
to listen

To the radio all the time?

Tell me about that.

Oh, we used to actually listen
to the radio.

Tell me about that.

Okay, everybody,
here is the guest of honor.

Everybody sing.

♪ Happy... ♪

Dad...

Hey, dad, wake up.

We're going to watch...

We're going to watch the video
now.

Huh? Oh, yes.

Where is that?

Brendon, will you do the honors?

Yeah, everyone please focus
your attention to the tv.

Thank you.

It was 1938.

We were listening to the radio.

We always listened to the radio,
because tv wasn't born yet.

I was...

The radio.

In the 1930s, it was the size
of a refrigerator

And everybody loved the radio.

I love you, radio.

♪ I'm a little teapot, short
and stout... ♪

Turn it off, please.

Brendon, is this
some sort of joke?

Uh, um, uh...
Yeah.

Brendon, how could you?

Um, jason.

What did you do...
To the video, jason?

Um...

Brendon, I am so...

Melissa, don't even...

You look so angry right now,
this is perfect.

I wish I had a camera,
because, uh...

Where are you going?

So what did melissa
say about me?

Is she... Is she still
mad at me?

Oh, she said she was upset
because you made pottery

Out of her grandfather.

Pottery, what does that mean?

Pottery, like a vase or...

Okay, are you sure she didn't
say "mockery?"

Mockery would make more sense,
wouldn't it?

Uh, yeah.

Because, um, you did
make a mockery

Of her grandfather's birthday.

Well, I mean, I guess.

But she said "pottery."

Well, it was supposed
to be funny, you know

But poignant funny.

I mean, I didn't really mean
to make fun of the guy

But it was so easy.

First of all, life sucks.

All right?

Yeah.

Period.
Done deal.

You got it?

Got it.

There's your lesson.

Go enjoy it.

See you later.

Wait a minute.

There's two kinds of funny,
brendon, right?

Okay.

There's mean funny,
which is, you know

When you make fun of someone
and get laughs at their expense.

Like stuffing that nerdy kid
in a locker.

What's his name?

Um... Brian?

Carlo, the italian kid.
With the funny accent.

That's funny, too.

Accents are funny.

Okay, yeah, but I don't see
how that's going to help.

Then there's nice funny—...

Like maybe a little light
sarcasm or a clever twist

Or a knock—knock joke.

I like those.

You like those?

Um...

Knock—knock.

Huh.

Brendon, knock—knock.

I'm doing a knock—knock joke.

Knock—knock.

Uh, hello.

What do you mean, "hello"?

You say "who's there?" Brendon.

Do you know a knock—knock joke?

Yeah, uh...

I say "knock—knock,"
you say "who's there?"

Yeah, right.

I'm not a big fan of...

You know what?
Do it.

Knock—knock.

Who's there?

No, wait a minute,
you say "knock—knock."

I don't...
Knock—knock.

Who's there?

I don't know.

"I don't know" who?

I don't know, I hate this joke.

That's not funny.

It's got to be a pun
or something.

You know what? Forget it.

Where was i?

Oh, yeah, nice funny.

You know, what you did
to melissa's grandfather

Was mean funny, brendon.

Okay.

Putting a wig and makeup on some
old man while he's sleeping.

Did you put lipstick on him?

Yeah.

You did? That's good.

Did you push the call button
or do the bed thing where,

You know, you go up and down?

He's in pretty bad sha...

No, we didn't impair his health.

Oh.

No.

That's how my grandfather died.

You know, actually, uh, coach,
melissa's mad at me

About the whole thing.

Well, all you got to do
is make it up to her.

Okay, okay, but how?

Usually I just say "I'm sorry."

Yeah, well, I mean,
that could work...

Or you give someone money.

Right.

Pay them, like a gift.
Buy her a...

Cash gift.

Of course, sometimes
I have to pay a fine.

Dad?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Crying.

You were laughing.

You're right.

But it's funny.

A 75—year—old man in drag?

What's not to like?

But aren't you mad at brendon?

Uh, well, he may have gone
a little too far

But I don't think he was being
malicious, melissa.

Boy, say that three times fast.

Don't be taken in by
his boyish charm.

But he is a boy.

Hi, guys.

It's going to take more
than balloons and flowers

For me to forgive you,
brendon small.

Wow, both names.

Hey, can I have
some of that candy?

No.

Would you like a balloon,
anything?

Thanks, brendon,
that's a little...

Brendon.
What, jason?

Brendon.

Help, I'm stuck in the ravine.

Oh, baby, I can't get
enough of this stuff!

♪ A—b—c—d—e—f—g... ♪

Oh, here, can I get
that for you, ma'am?

That's a man.

Lady, man.

Let me help you with that.

Hey, butter fingers.

Brendon, let's go.

It's not me!
My mom did it!

Brendon!

That was real nice of you
to help her, mom.

The elderly should be treated
with respect.

Yeah, but not
all the time, right?

Always.

Yeah, but, um, you said
they were old farts.

Brendon, I never said that.

Yes, you did——
in the car.

Mom, I have it on tape.

Brendon, stop taping
our conversations.

What's going on?

I guess I did something
that might have

Hurt somebody's feelings.

An old person's feelings?

What makes you say that?

Just a guess.

No, it's melissa.

Well, did you apologize?

Yes, I did, in fact.

Well, that's good, and...?

She's still mad.

Okay, well, you know
what you could do?

What?

Flowers and candy.

I did that.

Oh, both?

Brendon:
yeah.

Paula:
I guess I'm all out of ideas.

Okay.

Okay, so that's done.

So we're finished
talking about that.

Yeah, we'll just shop now.

Coach mcguirk, I think
I know what I can do

To make it up to melissa.

Good for you, brendon.

I'm going to do a reenactment
of melissa's grandfather's life.

David, don't use your hands!

This is not tennis.

I can keep some of his narration
but intercut it

With new scenes and...

David.

Soccer——
no hands.

Coach, I mean, he saved
a guy's life in the w*r

And, you know,
that's what I want to show...

David, I'm going to come out
there and cut those off!

You think I'm kidding, david?

It's just a new...

What's the stupid look for?
That kid's got to learn.

You don't use your hands.
That's the basic rule.

I know that,
I know that.

All right, so what are you
telling me, brendon?

I need someone big and strong
to play the lead role and...

Lead role?

You're thinking of me
for the lead?

Uh, uh, well, yeah.

I'll do it, but on one
condition.

Okay, whatev... Anything.

I, um, I didn't hear
what you said.

I couldn't think of anything
to say.

Hmm.

David, I'll cut them off!

Ouch!

Save this for the...

Think about your life
with no hands.

Coach, uh...

Bloody stumps is all
you're going to have.

Some of the parents are here
to pick up the kids and, uh...

I was just kidding,
use your hands.

It's fun, this is for fun.

Thank you, brendon.

Yeah.

Okay, uh, let's try it again.

Jason, I need you
to be a little...

A little bit more menacing.

Just try your line again,
please?

Okay.

Um, I'm going to sh**t you.

Ok, uh, do you know any german
words or phrases or...?

Oh alr...

Ich bin...

Ich bin ein berliner.

That's pretty good.

You know, maybe we should
just try some more makeup.

Um, ask not what your, um,
country can do...

That's not so much german,
jason.

Ask what you can do for
your country in germany—...

In german.

All right, well, um...

No, I'm all right,
it's not a big deal.

I can carry you.

You're just slipping
through my fingers here.

Well, I'm a little sore, but...

You know, you have
a deceptive body.

Thank you.

I mean, yeah.

I'm getting the wrong signals
from the clothes.

Underneath, I don't know
what's going on.

You're lighter than you look.

You're very light.

I'm... I'm svelte.

What does that mean?

Svelte?

Mm—hmm.

You know, that I look good
in a sweater, sweater vest.

Hey, how did I do, by the way?

Ever read a book called
an actor prepares?

You know, I've only read one
book in the last seven years

And that was not it.

Because there
are special techniques

That will help you
get into character.

Do you do breathing exercises?

I know how to breathe.

It comes automatically.

Try this—— try to breathe
through your nose like this.

Breathe through my nose.

I've never done that before.

Cover your mouth.

I mean, uh, okay,
everybody ready?

Yeah.

Mcguirk? You guys ready?

Uh... Yeah.

All right, and... Action.

Okay, wait—...

One more question, brendon...

Cut, cut, cut... Yeah?

What is my motivation
in this scene?

Yeah, you're wounded.
You just want to...

I'm going to breathe through
my nose during this scene.

Is that all right with you?

Yeah, whatever makes
you comfortable, man.

That sounds great.

Okay, cut.

I mean, action, action.

Come, uh... Come back here...
German, german.

I'll save you, soldier.

Hey, that's some deep breathing.

Don't worry.

Hey, who's worrying?

You're ned.

Better ned than dead.

Right.

But better still, never ned.

Wait a minute, hold up.

What's this guy doing here?

Okay, you know, cut.

That was all very funny

And a little too much
nose breathing, mcguirk.

Um... Eric, can I talk
to you for a second?

Okay, you're going to want
to stick to the script.

Okay.

That's funny, that's cute...

Okay, but I'll do the lines
as written.

Okay, I'm going to start
you guys off again.

So you want me to pull back
on the nose breathing.

Right—— ready and, uh, action.

Brendon, I forgot my line.

He has to say, "come back here."

All right.

Come back here.

That's great.

I'll save you, soldier, don't
worry.

Hey, who's worried?

You're ned—...

One of the best soldiers around.

Thank you, ned,
for saving my life.

You're welcome, soldier.

Okay, cut—— great, perfect.

That was great, guys.

Thank you, ned,
for saving my life.

Yeah, you know, eric,

Uh, we cut.

We stopped rolling.

You guys did fantastic.

All right, brendon,
can we do my thing now?

Yeah, you know, that's fine.

I'll just change right here.

Yeah, okay.

It's not my neighborhood.

Why, why don't you
just tell them about yourself.

Just, you know, go crazy.

Just say anything?

Yeah, just start talking,
you know.

Okay, all right.

Hey, uh...

Hey, ladies, uh,
my name is john mcguirk.

I, uh, am a
professional soccer coach

At the elementary school level
and I own a nice car

Though I do not currently have
legal access to it.

Um, as you can see,

I used to be in good shape and,
uh, in the last two years

I've successfully completed four
out of five rehab programs.

The kind of woman I'm interested
in is the one, I guess,

Who's still watching this video.

Cut—— I'm going
to stop you right there.

What? That was, uh,
that was not good or...

We got it——
we got this.

I think you nailed it.

Feed me.

Change me.

This is my proudest moment—...

The birth of my granddaughter,
melissa.

So, uh, what did you think,
melissa?

I think you just don't get it,
do you, brendon?

I mean...

Whoa, what?

I'm just kidding.

I thought it was really good.

I really liked it, brendon.

Thanks.

Dad?

That was the biggest piece of...

Dad?

Um, how long was I asleep?

Ah, thank god—...

Wow.

Dad.

Whoa! I feel like I've been hit
by a truck.

Dad?

Is someone burning toast?

Who keeps touching me?
I can't...

Dad? I got to hit the road here.

This is not...

Dad, we got to get out of here.

Who's k*lling this party?
Everyone's leaving.

Get over here!
I'm not fin...

Hi—— how would you like to wake
up next to this?

Okay, cut.

No, my ideal woman is a woman
who cares about the world,

Plus 15%.

I'd like a, you know, tall
woman, about my height.

My ideal woman is my mother,
actually, who I hate.

I need a nice young woman
to cut my toenails.

I'm looking for a woman who will
accept me for who I am

And not for my money,
although I'll...

I'll give you $50.