01x05 - Yoko

[bunniefuu]

Are we having fun, or what?

Melissa:
mm—hmm.

Yeah, are we having fun?

Loni, you having fun?

Yeah.

Melissa——fun? Yeah?

Uh, yeah.

Brendon, eugene——fun?

Yeah.

Da.

What, eugene?

Uh, yes.

You said "da"?

"Da" is russian everybody,
for "yes."

Unison:
da.

Did coach mcguirk do a good job
on the fire or what?

Can we toast marshmallows
and make s'mores?

Uh, you know what?

To be honest with you,
I forgot to get marshmallows.

Hot dogs?

I didn't get hot dogs.

Did you get anything for us?

Well, I got sliced turkey,
but that would be silly

To put that over the fire.

Didn't you kids bring anything?

Coach, we're kind of hungry.

Mcguirk:
well, I thought
I made it clear to everybody

That your moms and dads were
supposed to pack you food.

You didn't say that.

I didn't?

Well, what...
What was the $20 for?

What do you mean?

The $20 that we had to get
from our parents for the trip.

Did everybody's parents
give them 20 bucks?

Yes... Everybody.

Mcguirk: well, pass over the 20
to mcguirk here.

Everybody give me your money
and I'll get the food tomorrow.

I want to go home.

Mcguirk:
now, come on now like,
everybody relax, all right?

Loni:
I'm scared.

Mcguirk: look, you knew when you
got into this you might be a
little scared.

Camping is scary.

There's nothing wrong with it,
though.

You got to get through it.

That's why camping's great,

Because it's so bad
but you get through it.

Then you remember that forever.

It's called
the learning experience.

Right.

Can I have some of that turkey?

Yeah, all right everybody take
a slice of turkey.

One slice?!

Mcguirk:
one slice each.

We got to save that
for breakfast tomorrow.

Eugene:
uh, brendon?

Yeah?
Brendon?

What? What, what?

I have canteen.
Huh?

Coach canteen, i,
uh...

I pee... I pee in coach...
Coach mcguirk's canteen.

What?!

I pee in coach
mcguirk's canteen.

You... What the hell
are you doing?

Why are you
peeing in...?

It is
practically joke.

Oh, my god!
Why did you...?

Eugene:
joke—— you know...
Ha, ha, ha!

I will tell loni.

Brendon: loni?!
What are you talking about?

Eugene:
I will tell her about the pee.

Brendon: loni's going to be
impressed by that?

Yeah.
Oh, man,
you are a freak!

Eugene:
I will go back
and put next to coach.

Brendon:
eugene, i...

Mcguirk:
hey, hey hey, hey,
I hear whispering.

Everybody to bed,
all right?

Brendon: don't worry,
we were just going to bed.

Mcguirk:
close your eyes,
go to sleep.

Melissa:
what are you guys
talking about?

Mcguirk:
hey, I said
no more whispering.

All right?
Come on.

Mcguirk:
hey! Hey!

Brendon:
what?

Mcguirk:
wake up.

Melissa:
morning already?

Mcguirk:
no, it's not morning.

Who touched my canteen?
Everybody out of your tents.

Melissa:
what's going on?

Mcguirk:
what do you mean?
What's going on?

Melissa:
I mean, why did you tell us to
get out of our tents?

Who went wee—wee
in my canteen?

Loni:
what?

Eugene:
what is canteen?

Mcguirk:
no, this is canteen, eugene.

I want to know
right now.

This sounds like
something you'd do, brendon.

You step forward.

Brendon: I didn't do anything.

You know what that tastes like?

That's disgusting.

Melissa:
how do you know
what it tastes like?

Mcguirk:
I tasted it!

Loni:
how do you know what it was?

Mcguirk:
because I drank it before
but that's...

All right.

Melissa:
maybe someone did it
by accident.

Mcguirk:
shut up, melissa.

Everybody line
up right now.

Whoever did this, step forward
right now

Or else everybody gets in
trouble, all right?

And that's means everybody
gets punished.

Melissa:
what's the punishment?

Loni:
do we have to go home?

Mcguirk:
I don't know
what the punishment is.

Make us go home.

No, the punishment is you'll
never go home.

All right?

Who stepped forward?

I can't see.

Did anybody step forward?

Brendon:
nobody stepped forward.

Mcguirk:
you know what?

I'm leaving.

Coach is leaving.

Loni: what?

Mcguirk:
coach is packing up his stuff
and I'm leaving you kids here,

All right?

Coach is taking his pee canteen

And he's going.

You have a good time fending
for yourselves

Here in the middle of the woods.

Brendon:
I'm going to go and talk to him.

Melissa:
you got to catch him
before he leaves.

Do you want to come with me?

Loni and melissa:
no.

Eugene:
no.

You know, eugene, you did it.

Loni:
did you see him do it?

I heard him do it and he
narrated it.

Loni:
why didn't you just tell that he
did it?

He's russian.

He has diplomatic immunity,
right?

Melissa:
let's say... Look, let's tell
him that eugene did it

And he didn't understand because
in russia

People drink pee all the time.

Eugene:
people do not drink pee in
russia.

People do not...

Brendon: hey.

What, brendon?

Come over here
to tell me something?

I... I just...
How are you?

What do you mean,
how am i?

How's it going?

Well, I just drank pee.
How's it going with you?

Listen, coach.
What?

Stop packing for a second.
Will you just...?

Brendon?
Yes.

Unless you came over to tell me
that you did it

And you're taking responsibility
for your actions...

Yeah?
I got nothing
to say to you, brendon.

Look, coach.

You want to talk about
responsibility?

You got four kids out here
you're responsible for.

If you leave us,
you are screwed.

Yeah, I'm really mad at you
right now, brendon.

Look, I did not do it.
Okay?

So who did?
I'm not telling.

You're not going
to tell?
What am i, a rat?

Look at me.

Coach?
Yeah, what?

Are you looking
at me?

No.
I'm looking
at my canteen.

Yeah. Throw it away.
It's contaminated.

I just bought that canteen
for this trip.

I'll buy you
a new one.

I still got the taste in my
mouth, for god...

Coach,
eat something.

Have some
turkey.

Where is it?

Ugh, tastes like pee turkey now.

Everything tastes like pee
to me.

Look, coach,
you're not leaving, are you?

No, I'm not going to leave.

Of course I can't leave you kids
here by yourselves.

I mean, it would be ridiculous.
I'd get fired.

You know, then if I get fired
I'll do something stupid

And I'll go back to jail.

Exactly, coach.

Loni: hey, brendon.

Hey... Melissa?

No, it's me, loni.
Oh.

What are you doing?

I'm cleaning out
mcguirk's canteen.

Loni:
you were really
great back there.

You could be like, a hostage
negotiator or something.

Nah...
Maybe.

You know, the way you didn't rat
out eugene was pretty cool.

Well, you know...
He's an idiot.

Hey, uh, where's
melissa?

Loni:
um, I don't know.

Brendon:
she's probably asleep, huh?

Loni:
um, do you like her or
something?

I, uh, you know...

I mean, do you, like,
like—like her?

Um, do i,
um, i...?

No, I'm not saying that she,
like, like—likes you.

Oh, right.

Well, i... I... I know somebody
who does.

You know someone
who likes me?

Well, I might know someone who
maybe might like—like you.

Mcguirk:
hey, who's talking?

Um...
Nobody.

Brendon—-
who else?

Loni.

What are you two doing out here?

Go to bed.

Good night, coach.

Listen, before you go to bed.

Yeah?

Did anyone bring toothpaste?
I forgot mine.

Paula:
did you guys talk a lot
on the camping trip?

Um,
very cryptically.

I kind of remember...

Yeah.
What she looks like.

You might have seen her
on the soccer field.

But, honestly, I don't know
what to do.

Well, honey,
do you like her?

Brendon: um, I think...
I think the answer is "yes."

Well, why don't you have a...
Go to school on monday...

Yeah.

Maybe go talk to her
for a few minutes.

Huh! Talk to her.

I know, it's...

Uh? No, no, no, no,
I'm thinking.

Uh... Huh!

Huh!

Good advice.

I think I've built you
into a regular don juan.

You know, I see you in school
a lot and...

Yeah?

Brendon: I never noticed that
you looked at me ever.

Not that I'm saying
you are now.

Well, I didn't.

Brendon:
oh.

Well, I mean, I did but sometimes
I used to just look at you

Because I never saw anybody so,
um, pale.

Right.

And, um, I notice you at soccer
use you're, like...

Right.

Really bad.

Oh.

Like when, um, my
mom says it...

It's not whether you win or
lose, it's how hard you try...

Right.

It makes me
think of you.

Right, because...

Oh, that's...

Tell your mother
thank you.

Brendon, loni, get
in the game!

What are you doing?!

Brendon:
a second...

Okay, yeah, you know what?

Hey, everybody the game revolves
around the ball, okay?

Sorry.

Why am I coaching
soccer?

And why am I not coaching
public speaking?!

That's all you people do,
is public—speak!

Hey, coach, I'm trying to talk
to somebody over here!

You mind keeping it down?

I'm sorry to interrupt
your conversation!

I thought we were having a
soccer game!

I abducted her.

Right, exactly,
very good.

And then, um, I tied her to a
chair.

Brendon:
yes, perfect.

And, uh, I am a detective, so...

What... What am I doing,
brendon?

You're filming.

I'm not in this scene?

No. No, okay, let's start this
thing, okay?

Loni:
brendon? Brendon?

Oh, yeah, loni, yeah.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, sure, certainly.

Um, can you tell jason,
though that he's not allowed

To really touch me——
just pretend.

Oh, he knows, he knows.

This is all acting.

Let me just fix
your hair.

Perfect.

Loni:
really? Okay.

We're going to sh**t...

Are you sure it's good?

Loni, sweetheart you look...
You look fantastic.

Wait.

Brendon:
and... Action!

I'll never tell.
I know nothing.

Oh, you'll talk, all right.

Help!

Oh, no screaming "help"
is going to...

Help!

Scream all you want, baby,
because...

Help!

All right, stop screaming now.

Get your hands off her!

Barlow!

That's right!
Loni, you okay?

I think so.

Don't answer...

Let me just get those ropes.

Okay, that was a little early
but... Hey!

Put your hands up!

Okay, that's still early.

Sorry.

Hey, how come loni keeps
screaming?

Shh. Let's keep the scene.
Come on, we're rolling.

This is the last time
you'll ever do

One of these things again.

Oh, you think you're so...

Okay, that was too
early, too.

I was supposed
to also wait for that.

Looks like I kicked your g*n out
of your hand!

No, you have to wait for the
g*nsh*t.

You said the gunfight.

No, it was when the g*n went...

Well, I mean, I know she's
your friend, brendon but,

I mean, we're not here
to make friends;

We're here
to make movies.

Okay, guys,
listen.

I mean,
she had one cue.

What are you guys talking about?

We're just going over the scene.

Why don't you tell me?

Then I'll know
what to do.

Well, why don't you study your
lines, yoko?

Brendon:
first of all,
great work back there.

You missed a couple of cues.

But I mean... Besides, I don't
think anybody will notice.

Well, brendon? Brendon: yeah?

Loni: I'm not really having a
very good time.

What?
Why is that?

Well, I don't think
that they like me.

She's making all of us look bad.

Who know who ends up the loser,
though, as a whole? The public.

Because they see the product
and the product is not there.

Of course they like...
I was just talking to them...

They hate me.

They were complimenting you,
yes.

They were doing...
Loni, loni, please.

They totally hate me.

I hate her.

I don't like her either.

Oh, my god!

Mitch:
hey, brendon,
there you are.

What's up? It's mitch.

Hey, uh, mitch?

Yeah, from the fifth grade—...

Somewhere you ain't been yet,
my man.

Nice to meet you.
How you doing?

I'm doing well.

How's fourth grade
treating you?

Uh, can't complain.

I got to tell you something
real quick here.

What's that?

I hear through the grapevine you
might be going out

With that loni girl.

You know loni, right?

I'm not going out with her.
I mean, I know her, I mean...

Aw, come on, man,
what are you doing?

You're denying it, come on.

I'm not going out...

I mean, I know
loni and...

I'm here as a friend,
my man.

Right.

There's only one way out,
brendon.

You got to break up with her
before she breaks up with you.

You're saying
break up...

Beat her to breaking
up with me?

Man...

Mitch look,
I don't you know that well

But you used to go out
with loni.

Think of me as a messenger
from the future, man.

Look, I'm not going out
with her.

Aw, man, see...

Look!
Here's what I'm seeing, mitch.

You were dating a girl that I'm
semi—involved with right now...

Now, see now
that's a little different than

"I'm not going out with her."

Suddenly it's the word "semi"
is used.

You see what you did there?

Okay, just for the argument's
sake let's say me

And her are a thing.

You come up to me and tell me to
break up with her.

What's to stop me from thinking
you're going

To go after her after that?

Brendon, no way would I put
myself in that position again—...

Man, I'm not crazy.

If I'm going to give out advice
I'm certainly going

To take it myself, right?

What kind of hypocrite would I
be to give you some advice

That I don't take myself?

Uh...

Hello?

Uh, yeah...

I'm trying to think what kind of
a hypocrite it would be.

Mitch:
semi—hypocrite.

Yeah, that'd be
the one, man.

Hey there, pee—pee breath.

What did you
say, don?

Pee—pee breath.

Oh, you heard, huh?

Oh, yeah,
I heard.

Yeah, that's not good.

Uh... Who did it?

That big kid.

You know, that kid, eugene—...

The big russian kid?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure
it was him.

Both:
pee—pee breath!

Hey, shut—up!

All right, enough
with the "pee— pee breath."

Pee—pee breath...

Brendon:
did you used to go out with that
guy mitch in fifth grade?

Well, yeah, a long time ago.

Oh... Really?
Well, how long... How long ago?

Um, like, a week
ago tuesday.

Oh, so, why'd
you guys break up?

You know, a lot of things just
weren't working out like...

You know, we didn't have recess
at the same time.

And we didn't have lunch
at the same time.

Yeah, it was hard.

Brendon:
I just ran into him.
That's why I ask.

You did?
Yeah.

What did he say?

Uh, nothing.
I just ran into him.

He didn't really say anything.

Did you just talk?

Do you, um, still like him?

No.

Brendon:
no?

Why?
Did somebody say
that I still like mitch?

No, no.

Does mitch think
that I like him?

Did he come up to you
or did you go up to him

Or did you just
walk by each other?

Uh, we just kind of met.

Girls:
hey, loni, come here.

Uh, okay, bye.

Is she still interested
in this other guy?

Well, she declined being
interested in him

A little too quickly, which
makes me skeptical.

How long have you been
seeing this girl?

Two days.

And how long did the girl and
the previous boyfriend go out?

Four days.

Mcguirk:
four days?

It was last week.

Yeah, things happen fast when
you're young.

Tell me about it.

You know, women are...
Women are tough.

They're...

In my experience...

I mean, I've been all over the
world—...

Except for europe
and asia.

Wow.
Mcguirk:
and south americ—-

I haven't been to there yet.

But women
are a complicated bunch.

Yeah?

Mcguirk:
let me give you an analogy.

They're like grapes.

That's all I got,
because I said "bunch"

And then I thought of grapes.

That's not great, but, you know

I'm getting somewhere here,
brendon.

I'm trying.

I know;
I appreciate it.

You know, if I said women are a
complicated group

I would have thought of, um...

I thought of grapes again.

So, I mean, I feel like I'm just
in the way of mitch and loni.

Brendon...

Brendon:
yeah.

You're eight years old.

You need to remember
to bring your homework folder

To school every day.

You need to remember to wash
your hands

Before you eat your breakfast,
lunch and dinner and snack.

And you don't need to worry
about...

I think I know her better than
she knows her.

I mean, she doesn't even know
that they were meant

To be together forever,
I think.

They... They have this thing.

You're going to show her
the way.

Yes!

You're going to sacrifice your
relationship...

And I know that when I break up
with her that it's not going

To be easy for her, you know?

This is not a thing that she's
going to walk away

Clicking her heels from because,
I mean, it hurts.

You can break up with her
without breaking her heart—...

Just remember that.

Yes, that's what
I'm going to do.

There's a thing
called "destiny."

There is.

And I have somehow clogged up
the drain of destiny, melissa.

Hey, loni.

Oh, hi, brendon.

Hi, how you doing?
Good.

Uh, I need to talk to you.

Yeah, actually I need
to talk to you, too.

Brendon?
Yeah.

I don't know how to tell you
this but, um, like,

I feel really bad because

I really, really, really,
really, really, really

Like you... As a friend.

Oh.

And, like I really want to be
your friend a lot.

Oh.

But, um...
I'm breaking up with you.

Oh!

I really don't want to.

I'm really, really, really
sorry.

Yeah... No... Uh...

Brendon,
what happened?

Nothing.

I thought you were going
to break up with her.

You already heard about it?

I heard she broke up with you...

Yeah, she did.

You started to cry and then

She started going out
with mitch again.

Whoa, stop, I didn't...
I did not cry.

Word is that you cried.

I didn't... Melissa.

I'll try and set
the record straight.

She's going out with mitch?

Yeah, she wanted to go out
with mitch again.

She's already going out
with him, though?

Isn't that what you wanted
anyway?

Yes, but... No...
No, this sucks.

So I guess loni won't be
in the movies anymore.

No, I don't think she will be,
melissa.

No, I think you've got your old
role back, okay?

Are you happy?

I actually am.

Except for that she broke up
with you and that you cried...

I didn't cry.
I did not cry, melissa.

Brendon.

Yeah.

I heard you
got dumped.

Ha... Yeah.

Word travels fast.

That's got to hurt.

Uh, actually, it does.

I heard it went down hard, too.

Yeah, it was a very quick and...

You want to hear how great they
are together?

I want to know
why they picked me

To play this trick on,
this joke.

It wasn't a joke.

I got played
by both of them.

And you know what,
sister?

Don't play me...

Don't play brendon small because
he don't like that stuff.

You were playing the game
of love

And when you play the game of
love, someone always gets hurt.

I'm turning my chips in.
You know why?
Because you lost?

No, I quit!

You forfeit?

I fold!
I know what my cards are.

And you know something?

I don't have a good hand!

Hey, mitch.

Hey, how
you doing?

How's it
going?

It's going
goood.

Yeah, you
look good.

I put an extra "o"
because it's so good.

I heard, uh...
I heard you and loni

Are a thing now.

Yeah, man, I couldn't be
happier.

Yeah, congratulations.

You can see my back teeth
I'm smiling so big.

Yeah, you really are.
Yeah, you look very...

The laugh is coming easy now.

Yeah.

Sometimes a laugh feels forced,
but not today.

Yeah, wish I could be happy
for you, man.

Why can't you be?

You... You went out with her
after me and she were finished.

Aw, man, don't lay it out
in chronological order.

Then it just sounds bad,
you see?

You sabotaged it.

No.

You were just trying to get back
with her the whole time.

No...
No way.

Brendon:
yes, you were.

Last week I wanted nothing to do
with the lady.

I was being truthful with you,
brendon, man.

It looks bad, I know.

I know right now it looks bad.

I'm... I'm with the girl I was
telling you to get away from.

But, man, it's just
a coincidence.

So what's going on, then, man?

I'm going to check out a flick
with my lady.

Oh, man! Ain't nothing
like love, brendon.

You know what
I'm saying?

Paula:
oh, no, no, no, no.
They exchange notes...

And they just want to be
with the girl in class

Who everybody think is cute,
you know?

I... I was, uh...

Oh, I bumped into a guy just a
couple of years ago

Who I was in the fifth or sixth
grade with and he said to me—...

And I know he meant this to be
complimentary—...

He said to me, he said "you
know, all the other guys

Liked the pretty girls but I
always liked you."

I know he thought that I should
have just melted...

Yeah, well, honestly, mitch,
good luck,

Good luck because you're going
to need it.

See, there you go, be positive,
"good luck."

That's the best thing that came
out of your mouth so far.

Yeah, but it was a sarcastic
"good luck."

Didn't you read the subtext?

I'm done with subtext;
subtext has ruined me.

Ugh, you fifth graders
are all alike! You don't listen!

You think you know everything!

Hmm.

Brendon:
jesus!

You fourth graders are so quick
to judge the fifth graders, man.

And you're so quick to judge us
for judging you!

Hello, loni,

Hello, mitch.

Hello, brendon.

Of all the places, the joints
that you walk into

You walk into mine, didn't you?

I sure did.

I've come to a decision, loni.

Yes?

Look, I've been doing a lot of
thinking

And I think you got to get out
of here, take mitch with you.

No, brendon, no.

Say it isn't so.

I'm giving you these letters of
transit.

I want to stay here with you,
brendon!

Letters of transit,
letters of transit!

I don't want to go with mitch I
want to stay with you, brendon.

Brendon: no, you two are better
off together, you see?

Oh, if that's what
you want.

But before you go...

Duane, you mind playing
that old number?

You know the one.

It's...
Our song.

Yes, yes,
it is.

Hey, let me buy you two a drink.

Aren't you going
to have some?

No, thank you.

I had some earlier.

Well, then,
here's to brendon.

What is this?!

Oh, uh, I'm not sure
the name of that drink.

What do you call that again,
eugene?

Brendon:
did... When you and dad

Decided to split up did you just
give it to him you know,

Just like "get out of here"?

No, honey, it was an agreement.

It was... It was a long time in
coming,

Uh... But, you know, keep in
mind this had nothing

To do with you and josie.

You've given us nothing but
happiness.

Oh, I didn't think
it was...
Oh, sorry.

Until you just...
I'm so sorry.

Honey, I'm sorry, I didn't...

I'm sorry I put the thought
in your head.

Oh, thanks a lot, mom.

I think it's better this way
being single,

You know, I mean...

You are free as a bird,
little buddy.

This is a new chapter
of the book of brendon.

How do you like that?

I'm excited
to read it.

It's going to be
a best seller.

Yes, because
I'm making one.

It's going to go
like hotcake.

You know, coach I see you keep
hitting him with ba*ls,

I mean...

There's...

I can only look the other way so
many times.

Watch this.

Eugene, keep playing!

There we go.

That's two for two, brendon.

I know.

Want me to go grab those other
ba*ls?

Eugene!

Sorry.

Coach, I don't know if it's
funny because he's a foreigner

Or just because he's littler
than you

But you sure are hitting him
with those ba*ls.

It's so funny to me.
Yeah, I know.