03x03 - Waste Not, Haunt Not

[bunniefuu]

[Thunder crashing]

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[Wind howling]

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[Roaring]

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[Thunder crashing]

[Shrill laughing]

[Zapping]

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[Video game beeping]

[Groaning]

[Zapping]

[Roaring]

[Bus horn honking]

[Beeping]

[Roaring]

Yeah!

COMPUTER:Stage 15 complete.

Excellent!

There hasn't been a monster yet

that could get the best of...

MRS. WAGNER: Evan?

Evan Wagner, the school bus is

here!

You're gonna miss it!

[Gasping]

Did you make your bed and clean

that room?

Oh, I forgot.

Sorry, I guess I was just too

caught up in my homework!

Evan.

I'll clean it tonight,

honest!

Would I lie to you?

[Sighing]

Have a good day.

And please, eat your lunch.

[Sneezing]

[Flies buzzing]

It's as good as gone, mom!

And take care of that cold!

Here he comes, folks, the

prince of perjury, the lord of

the lies... Evan Wagner!

Ta-da!

[Gasping]

Hello, Evan!

I've been waiting for you!

[Whirring]

You're late.

What's your excuse this time?

Um, sorry, it's just that,

uh... my mom is real sick, and

I've been taking care of things

while she gets better.

Hmm.

Hi, guys.

Who's the new driver?

He looks like a real stiff!

Search me, never seen him

before.

So, Evan, how'd you do on the

big assignment?

It's due today.

I haven't even started!

Gee, Ms. Burns assigned that

homework like two weeks ago!

She isn't going to like this.

Hey, we're talking about the

king, here!

He'll just give her some rap and

buy himself more time, am I

right?

What can I say?

Lying comes easily to me.

You name the excuse, no matter

how wild it sounds, and I'll get

Ms. Burns to believe it.

[Car horn honking]

Really... any excuse?

You name it!

Okay, you asked for it!

I've got one.

Monsters ate my homework!

Monsters ate my homework,

huh?

Do I sense a hint of...

[Chicken clucking]

You're on!

[Brakes screeching]

Whoa!

[Laughing]

[Gasping]

Tsk, tsk, tsk...

I don't know about you boils and

ghouls, but I think it's time

for yours ghoul-ly to teach our

fibbing friend the terror of his

ways!

A little lesson from the

Cryptkeeper's school of hard

shocks!

[Shrill laughing]

All right, class, that's all

for today.

Please place your assignments on

your desk.

I'll be coming around to collect

them.

It's show time!

He'll never pull this one

off!

Evan, did you complete the

homework I assigned?

Yes, I did, Ms. Burns, but...

But what?

Where is it?

You won't believe me when I

tell you.

Try me.

They took it!

It's gone and I worked so hard

on it, too!

They?

Who are "they", Evan?

The creatures, the bogeymen!

Things that come for me in the

night!

[Laughing]

It's not funny!

It's awful!

They come when I'm asleep!

Alone in the dark!

They come for food and I have

to feed them!

Anything I can grab!

[Gasping]

Because if I don't...

Evan, are you trying to tell

me that monsters ate your

homework?

I knew you wouldn't believe

me!

My parents don't believe me!

Nobody does!

I see...

Well, in light of this, I don't

think we have any other choice!

You have until Monday to re-do

the assignment.

[Gasping]

But no more excuses, young man!

[School bell ringing]

Class dismissed!

Yeah!

DALE, ON PHONE:If I hadn't

seen it with my own eyes, I

wouldn't have believed it!

You are truly the lord of the

lies!

Listen, my mom is making liver

for supper tomorrow.

Can you come up with something

to get me out of it?

Sorry, I don't do dinner

theatre!

[Laughing]

Good one!

Look, I'd better let you go.

That assignment isn't going to

write itself, right?

The assignment?

As if!

What, you mean you're still

not going to do it?

Why should I?

Gee, fun is fun and all,

Evan.

You dodged the b*llet for now,

but sooner or later it'll catch

up with you!

How soon they forget.

I'm the king, aren't I?

Come Monday, I'll give Ms. Burns

some brand new excuse and get

out of it all over again!

I can't believe she bought

the first one!

Me neither!

I mean, who'd believe that a

bunch of brain dead monsters

could get the better of me?

[Beeping]

[Growling]

Hold on a sec, Dale.

Something's going on here.

[Rumbling]

[Gasping]

This is gonna sound crazy, but I

think there's something under my

bed!

[Growling]

DALE, ON PHONE:Ooh, maybe

it's the monsters!

Yeah... monsters...!

[Heart beating]

[Growling]

[Rapid heart beating]

Hmmm...

[Roaring]

[Screaming]

[Groaning]

Dale, help me!

It's real, it's after me!

What, the monsters?

Yes, they're here!

They're coming for me!

[Roaring]

[Screaming]

[Hissing]

[Growling]

[Gasping]

Dale, you've gotta help me!

Man, you are too much!

EVAN: No, it's the truth!

They're really here!

Yeah, right, pal.

Later.

[Laughing]

Dale, wait!

It's no lie...

[Growling]

[Gasping]

[Screaming]

Oof!

[Hissing]

Wh... who are you?

What do you want?

Where is it?

Yeah!

Hand it over!

Come on, kid!

We have many more stops to make!

Where is it?

[Screaming]

Wh... where's what?

Don't play coy, boy!

The homework!

We're starved!

Is it math?

I hope it's math!

Integers are my favourite!

Uh...

I can see that you are

somewhat confused!

Allow me to make with the

introductions.

I am Loosus, and this is my

associate, Mr. Feral.

Y-you're monsters!

Homework eating monsters, to

be exact!

But...

[Screaming]

Monsters aren't real, they don't

exist!

[Laughing]

Aren't real, he says!

That's rich!

It is to laugh!

Monsters are real, Evan, my boy!

All different kinds!

You got the pen eaters, your

bike eaters, your doll eaters.

And homework eaters, like us!

Which brings us back to why we

have paid you this visit!

We have received information

that one, Evan Wagner...

Which is you!

Did willingly and with

malice of forethought, accuse

us...

Which is we!

Of eating your homework!

Since no such homework has

passed our collective lips, we

feel that you may have

misrepresented the facts!

You see, Evan, children down

through the ages have exploited

our good names in order to avoid

persecution for not completing

their homework!

And have paid the price!

I just can't stand kids

lying about homework,capisce!

But, I don't have any

homework to give you!

Really!

That is unfortunate!

Then I fear that if we don't

consume some homework soon, Mr.

Feral and I will be forced to

eat whatever we can get our

hands on!

If you catch my drift!

[Groaning]

No, wait!

Hold on you guys!

You don't understand!

A monster did eat my homework!

It just wasn't you!

It was a weird horrible flying

bag of bones that swooped

through the window and took my

homework!

I do not believe it!

But it's the truth!

You have to believe me!

Would I lie to you?

Easy, kid, we believe you.

It's that no-good,

double-crossing Skeletoll I

don't believe!

Skeletoll?

Skeletoll, I hate Skeletoll!

Let us go, kid, we're going

to take you for a little ride!

Wait, what for?

Skeletoll's got the homework!

You don't need me!

On the contrary!

We have suspected said Skeletoll

of muscling in our territory for

some time now!

And now, we have the proof!

A flesh and blood witness!

You!

[Gasping]

[Screaming]

[Creaking]

No, please, let me go!

I'm not supposed to go anywhere

after dark!

[Zapping]

[Screaming]

Oof!

[Gasping]

Now, let us locate Skeletoll

and extract from his bony hide

what is rightfully ours!

Wh... what is this place?

Ahhh, it's what bad dreams

are made of, kid!

[Laughing]

Stay close!

We cannot have our meal

ticket turn into some other

monster's meal!

Capisce?

[Screaming]

Do you not hate it when that

happens?

After him!

[Screaming]

All right, Edmond, we saw that!

Cough him up, he's ours!

You heard us, Edmond!

Do not make me come in there!

[Groaning]

[Screaming]

Thaaank you!

I'm... alive...?

I'm alive!

For the moment.

And only if we get what we

want, i.e., the homework!

And on that note, by the by,

there, Edmond, you wouldn't

happen to know the whereabouts

of that snake in the grass

Skeletoll, would you?

[Coughing]

According to this, beloved

bony man Skeletoll is dead

again.

Apparently the tragic victim of

one of Anthrax's feeding binges.

He will not be missed.

How could he have stolen your

homework when he was sleeping

with the fishes?

Yeah!

You haven't lied to us, have you

kid?

Huh, have you?

No, but come to think of it,

just after Skeletoll stole my

homework, he was attacked by an

even bigger, scarier monster!

It must've been this Anthrax

guy.

[Laughing]

Well, there is a bright side to

all this!

Anthrax doesn't eat homework!

So he's probably stashed it

at his place!

Let us go!

Wait, where are we going now?

To see Anthrax, where else?

[Screaming]

[Roaring]

[Rumbling]

Anthrax does not like to be

disturbed!

But he too is a beast of

business, and we have business

to propose!

We have nothing to fear.

As long as he has the

homework!

He has the homework, right, kid?

Yes, of course, he has it,

but what if... oh, I don't

know... Anthrax says he doesn't

have the homework?

What if he tries to pull a fast

one?

We won't let him get away with

that, will we guys?

Certainly not!

That would leave us no choice!

We'd have to up the ante!

Yes... but what could we

poor, humble homework eaters

have that that terrible, flesh

eating Anthrax could possibly

want, huh?

Say, kid, what are you, 80...



[Growling]

Th... this isn't happening!

You guys can't just hand me over

to Anthrax!

Why not?

Because... because it's

inhuman!

Well, duh!

We are inhumans, are we not?

[Laughing]

[Growling]

You guys, I've got something

I need to tell you.

You can't trade me for the

homework!

Sure we can!

That way everybody gets a

square meal and everybody goes

home happy!

Except you, of course!

No, you guys don't get it!

What I'm trying to say is...

there isn't any homework!

There never was!

I lied when I told Ms. Burns

that monsters ate it!

I lied when I told you Skeletoll

took it!

I lie about everything!

We know!

We read your file!

You have a long history of

fibbing to save your skin!

But it ain't gonna work this

time!

This isn't a lie, it's the

truth!

Would I lie to you?

Zip it!

He's here!

[Roaring]

Evan, Anthrax.

Anthrax, Evan.

[Growling]

Whoa!

[Gasping]

We are here to propose a

trade: the kid for the homework.

What homework?

You know, the homework that

Skeletoll had on him!

Yes, when you saw fit to

consume him the other day!

Skeletoll barely had any meat

on him!

Let alone homework!

And as a result, I find I'm in

the mood for seconds!

[Growling]

Even thirds!

Oh, staff meeting!

[Whispering]

Uh... excuse us a moment.

[Growling]

There is no homework?

You lied to us?

Yes, that's what I've been

trying to tell you!

Well, you should've tried

harder, and sooner!

I'm sorry, I promise I'll

never lie again for as long as I

live!

Which, under the

circumstances, will not be much

longer!

[Roaring]

[Laughing]

It, um... would seem that our

information was inaccurate.

Please forgive us for disturbing

you.

Hey, forget about it!

It could happen to anyone!

But since you're all here, how

about comin' in for a bite!

[Screaming]

[Roaring]

Every monster for himself!

[Roaring]

Which one is the interspatial

rift between that which is our

world and the kid's bedroom?

The what?

The door out of here!

[Screaming]

[Roaring]

Whoa!

[Screaming]

Whoa!

Yee-ha!

[Screaming]

Oof!

[Screaming]

Did we lose him?

Is he gone?

It would seem so!

Looks like it's clear sailing

from here on out!

[Roaring]

[Screaming]

Paddle faster!

Must paddle faster!

[Rumbling]

[Screaming]

[Roaring]

[Whooshing]

[Zapping]

[Gasping]

Hey, we got away!

I'm home!

Man, am I ever glad that's over!

As are we, Evan!

[Gasping]

This has been a trying day for

all of us, one that we will

gladly bring closure to.

Just as soon as we get what

we came for!

Aw, come on, guys, I told

you!

I lied about everything!

I'm sorry, but there isn't any

homework!

Not yet, there isn't!

We came here for homework,

and homework is what we will

have!

You will start with 20 or 30

pages of English literature...

Hold the Shakespeare!

LOOSUS: Followed by 50

columns of math, two cups of

chemistry, and a side of

phonics!

[School bell ringing]

MS. BURNS: Good morning,

class!

STUDENTS: Good morning, Ms.

Burns!

Good morning, Evan.

Do you have something for me?

It's show time again!

He'll never top that last

excuse!

The assignment?

Oh, yeah, here you go, Ms.

Burns.

Sorry for getting it in so late.

That's quite all right, Evan.

My, my!

I must admit I didn't quite

expect this!

Yeah, we expected another one

of Evan's whopper excuses!

Like monsters ate my

homework!

[Laughing]

No, believe me, Ms. Burns, my

fibbing days are over.

I've learned my lesson big time.

That's good to hear, Evan.

Might I ask what brought on this

welcome change?

Well, I guess I found out the

hard way that one lie always

leads to another, and that

pretty soon you've created a

real monster!

Maybe even two!

Oh yeah, and if it's not too

much trouble, could I get a copy

of that?

Two copies!

Make that two copies!

I guess you could say that

thanks to his monstrous

adventure, Evan finally learned

fright from wrong!

He found out that lies have a

way of coming back to haunt you!

[Shrill laughing]

Well, boils and ghouls, that's

our gory story for today!

Hope you had a real scream!

Until next time, this is the

Cryptkeeper saying creep out of

trouble because...

I'll be watching!

[Shrill laughing]

♪