02x05 - The Weeping Woman

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[Scary laughter]

Hextrie!

Hextrie!

Reap all about it!

Gore back in office!

Hello, headline hunters.

Let's turn to the

Enterpainment section

For today's gruesome news

Slash... A gory story

I call..."Cryptkeeper replaced

By vaultkeeper."

Hee-hee-hee... What?

Heh-heh-heh!

If it's in the paper, it must

Be true.

And remember, the rule

For today is reduce...

Reuse...

Recycle.

Ha-ha-ha!

And voila!

Hello, kiddies.

Ach-hem.

Hello, kiddies.

Ach-hem.

Hello kiddies.

Well, since I'm

In the news, I'll just have

To bite the bulletin

And deliver a juicy bit

Of journalism from

The obituaries I call...

Aaahhh!

I call..."All the gory

Details."

"Mad doctor vanishes!"

Until now, that is.

And if the authorities hadn't

Exposed him, dr. Kromwell

Might actually have succeeded

In creating artificial life,

And that was over 40 years

Ago.

First rule of reporting,

Sweetie...

My name is sally.

People don't believe

Nothing unless they see it

With their own eyes.

You need ace photos to back up

A crazy story like this.

Crazy?

I have been researching

Dr. Kromwell's laboratory

Experiments for almost a year.

Sure, but the story ain't

Gonna write itself... Which is

Why I'm here.

Seeing as how it's your first

Big story and all, the boss

Wanted me to tag along.

Coming along was your idea.

I'm just here to help,

In case you start screwing

Things up.

Yes, it's my first big

Story.

But believe me, mr. Clump,

I am not about to screw it up.

Well...

I've already invested

An entire year of my life,

And the only one counting

On this paying off more than

Me is the boss.

And I'm bringing him a front

Page headline!

Ohh... Listen, next time

You decide to drag me along,

Get yourself a full-size

Car... Ohh.

As I was saying, when you've

Been a reporter as long as me,

It's like ya hardly need

Your brain anymore.

Tell me about it.

Yup, ya go by what your gut

Tells you instead.

[Belch!]

Eew!

Pardon the onions, sweetie.

Coulda sworn there wasn't

A town within 50 miles

Of here.

Watch it!

If I knew you were gonna drop

It, never woulda let you carry

It.

I guess that's what happens

When you let a skirt do

A man's job!

Yeah, you can say that

Again.

Ohhh...

I hope you didn't break it,

Cause i... [Gasp!]

Ha-ha-ha!

Sorry if I startled you.

Now, you folks aren't

From around here, are ya?

No, we're report... Uhh!

Tourists.

We're... Uh... Tourists.

Just passing through.

How nice.

We don't get many folks

Travelling through these

Parts, especially on a night

Like tonight.

Oh, really?

Well, your town must have

Something interesting to see.

Perhaps even... Someone famous!

Oh, you must

Mean... Uh... Jed farlon.

Who?

Old jed farlon just dug

Himself the deepest well

In the county.

A well?

Heh-heh-heh!

'Fraid that'd be the only

Thing special around here,

Ma'am.

I got a bad back, you know.

Enjoy your stay.

Hmm... Looks like

The power's off.

Aaahhh!

Uh, ach-hem... No need to be

Scared tonight, darling.

Ha-ha... I'm right next door.

Oh, good grief.

Darn lights!

Ooof... Ouch!

Where's the blasted closet?

Waaahhh!

Oh... A connecting door.

You okay, mr. Clump?

Yeah, i... I just... Uh,

Dropped my comb.

Heh-heh... Good night.

A wild goose chase is what

This is.

Folks around here like

To keep to themselves, mainly.

Pay attention, honey,

And watch me get the goods

On the good doctor.

Heh-heh-heh!

This sure is a lot of film.

Keeping a good stock.

You know, that way I can take

Pictures of

Anything... Interesting...

If you know what I mean.

Sure do.

If you want interestin',

You should see jed farlon's

New...

New well.

Ya already seen it?

Listen, what we're really

Interested in is trying

To locate a dr. Kromwell...

A doctor, yeah... For

My back.

Oh, ohhh.

Know of any good doctors

In town?

Ohhh...

Old wilf's about

The closest thing to a doctor

In these parts.

Wilf's more of an animal

Doctor, but he's real good.

Mr. Clump?

Mr. Clump.

What do ya think you're

Doing?

What am I doing?

In there, getting all

Chummy.

Can't you see they're playing

Games with us?

Those people are hiding

Something, and I'm gonna find

Out what it is.

Ah-hah... Listen, mr. Clump,

If you don't mind...

Aww... You don't have

To beg, sweetheart.

I'll gladly show you how it's

Done.

Come on, for the last time,

Spill!

All right, I'll make it 50

Bucks to tell me where

Dr. Kromwell's hiding out.

Gee, thanks, mister.

But I told ya, the only doctor

I know is wilf.

He sure fixed up max's leg

Real good.

[Dog barking]

Forget it.

Hey!

[Dog growling]

Heh-heh.

Uh... Uh... Take it easy, boy.

Uh... Uh... Down, boy.

Uhhh... Down, boy!

As I was saying...

There ain't no mad scientist

Around here...

Making people by stitching

Spare parts together.

Hmm... The only thing they have

In this town are dogs

And... Wilfs.

And the only story in this

Town is... There ain't

No story!

Hope you're writing all this

Down, kid, cause I ain't

Likely to repeat it.

[Belch!]

Ohh, oh, sorry, doll.

Hey!

Hey!

Where you going?

You forgot the camera...

And me.

Good evening, sir.

We were wondering...

All right, buddy, where's

Kromwell?

Great!

Now we're never gonna get

A look inside!

Don't get your panty hose

In a knot.

I'll think of something... As

Always.

Oooh.

Uh-uhhh!

Uh-uhhh!

Like I was saying, my back

Could go out any second.

Can't trust it, you know.

Tell me about it.

Uh-uhhh!

I don't feel right about this,

Mr. Clump.

We're breaking in.

Not "breaking", sweetie.

Ha-ha-ha!

Aww... Oooh, I forgot

The camera.

No problem.

I didn't forget mine.

Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha... Aaahhh!

Mr. Clump?

Mr. Clump!

What was that?

The wind?

Well, whatever it was, it's

Gone.

Mr. Clump?

Mr. Cluuump!

Aahh!

Aaahhh!

Mr. Clump, you okay?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Ach-hem.

Uh, seeing as how I'm

A gentleman, and... Uh,

And you're outta batteries...

Ah-heh...

Dames first!

Ahhh!

Great caesar's ghost!

Wow, I did the research.

I knew it was true.

Until now, I guess I wasn't

Really sure.

Aaahhh!

Something tells me that

The good doctor didn't do

So good on his final exams.

All these years trying

To create artificial life,

And he failed.

Time to cut the chitchat

And start taking pictures.

This is the biggest story

Of my career.

Okay, sweetcakes, I got

The headline.

Get this down.

Uh... M-mr. Clump?

Dictation.

Federal reporter, harold

Clump, penetrates the mind

Of modern day mad scientist.

Mr. Clump?

No, I said make it harold

Clump.

It's less formal.

After exhaustive research...

Mr. Clump!

Not now, kid.

I'm in the middle of... Ooof!

Waaahhh!

Mr. Clump!

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Waaahhh!

Over here, mr. Clump!

Hurry, run!

Hurry!

Waaahhh...

Mr. Clump!

[Gasp!]

Aaahhh!

Mr. Clump, wait for me!

Aaahhh!

Wait!

Mr. Clump, help me!

Mr. Cluuummpp!

Aaahhh!

Aaahhh!

Mr. Clump, you saved my life.

Never mind you.

Where's the camera?

The camera?

Did ya get the pictures?

The pictures?

Yeeooww!

Quick, in here!

We're trapped!

You should have picked

A better room to run into.

Me?

You said, "quick in here!"

You're always pointing

Fingers, aren't you?

I wouldn't be here if it

Wasn't for you.

I don't recall inviting

You along.

Oh, sure.

It was okay when I was running

The show, but now...

The only running you were

Doing is from the dog.

Hah!

If it wasn't for me, you'd...

You'd... You'd be in jed

Farlon's well!

And you'd be inside it

Taking pictures!

You'll never make it

In this business,

And you wanna know why?

Why?

Aaahhh!

Wh-why have they stopped?

Grrrrrr!

What is it you want?

Cam-e-ra.

Grrrrr...

Gimme da cam-e-ra...

Of course.

You want this.

Cam-e-ra.

What are you doing?

Yaaahhhh!

Don't you see?

They don't wanna hurt us.

They just wanna be left alone.

Like these mutations can

Even think?

She's right.

The world outside would never

Accept these life forms.

Life forms?

You mean mistakes, don't ya,

Buddy?

You can't hide it anymore.

Where's kromwell?

Sadly, dr. Kromwell is

No more.

Yeah.

You sure you're not kromwell?

I, as you've so aptly put

It, am one of my late master's

Mistakes.

So that's why dr. Kromwell

Ran away... To protect these

Creatures... To protect you.

Yes.

Here we are safe.

Hidden away from world which

Would not accept us.

Although grotesque, we mean

No harm.

And neither do we.

We're not reporting this

Story.

Give him the camera.

What?

Do it!

Oh, I get it.

Thank you.

Now, I must ask you to leave.

That was a great trick

You pulled in there.

You're right.

Who needs the pictures as long

As we back each other up,

Right?

I meant what I said.

I'm not reporting this story.

What?

I have had it up to here

With you!

First rule this, second rule

That!

Now, hold on a second,

Sister.

No!

No more sister.

No sweetheart!

No darling, sweetcakes,

Nothing!

My name is sally.

But... But...

And you, mr. Harold clump,

Are on your own.

As far as this story goes,

It's your word against mine,

And I didn't see anything.

And if that means never having

To work with you again, that

Suits me just fine!

Yeah, but... Sheesh!

Who needs ya?

I'll find my own way back.

I'll make sure you never work

In this business again!

Hah, dames!

I'll show her who wins on this

One.

I'll have the whole news crew

Here within an hour.

Ach-hem.

Folks in these parts don't

Like people poking noses

In other people's business.

Take your hand off

The phone, buddy.

I got on impor... Whoa-o-ow!

Yeow!

Ahaa... Oh, sheriff!

Oh, what a relief.

You gotta help me.

That man, he...

You, too!

Aaahhh!

All of you?

The whole town?

You're all dr. Kromwell's

Creations?

First rule of checkers...

Never forget to crown

Your opponent's man.

Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, when ya been playing

Checkers as long as me, it's

Like you hardly need

Your brain anymore, you know.

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Tell me about it.

Ach-hem.

As I was saying... There was

This one time I remember,

Coulda sworn there wasn't

A town within 50 miles

Of here...

And so, there you have it,

Scream scholars, a prime case

Of irresponsible journalism.

Psst, have you checked out

This month's slime magazine?

"Field and scream."

Aaahhh!

Or best of all,

"Readers... Digested."

Hee-hee-hee!

[Magazine belches]

Now, scare was i?

Oh, yes, I was about to remark

That in the end, clump had

More than the story sewn up.

Heh-heh-heh!

You could even say that he had

A few new headlines

For the mourning edition.

Ha-ha-ha!

So until next time, fright

Fans, bone appetite!

Ah-ha-ha-ha...

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