03x05 - Hemple's Machinations

[bunniefuu]

This program contains violence
and very strong language.

I am not the chosen one.

I choose this myself!

Hello, squirt.

VERAN: There is one that
comes from the east.

He brought with him a spear.

Only once the spear is found

can the chosen one
lead us into the light.

Excited. Raring to go.

Eeny meeny miny moe...

I caught a Druid by the toe.

Kneel General Aulus.

Find the spear before Rome.

[SIGHS]

Is this your house?

For now.

It smells different to home.

Our home.

Are you a general?

I am.

Have you conquered many lands?

I have.

Are you proud?

I, uh... General Aulus Plautius

have you missed me?

Every day.

Are you sorry for what you did?

The greatest sacrifice is
the one that hurts the most.

It hurts you more to survive.
I didn't ask if it hurts.

I asked if you were sorry.

Are you sorry?

Are you sorry, Father?

No.

Because you love him.

With all my heart.

I had a dream last night.

I was wandering over
a great mountain.

The way was lonely... quiet.

I came across a temple.

I went inside into a
tower with high windows.

It was a plain temple
with a plain altar,

and upon it was a
cross like this.

A plain wooden cross.

And from the centre of
the cross shone light,

pure light.

What can it mean?

Why have you come to me?

You know, that's the
first sign of madness,

talking to yourself.

Don't let me interrupt you.

You're shaking like a child.

AULUS: Get out.

What'd he say if he
could hear you now?

On your knees.

Do not... play with me.

Hello. [GASPS]

Why don't you come
with me? Come on.

Ooh! How lovely. [CHUCKLES]

♪ Yeah!

♪ Well, you can bump and grind

♪ It is good for your mind

♪ Well, you can twist and shout

♪ Let it all hang out

♪ But you won't fool the
children of the revolution

♪ No, you won't fool the
children of the revolution

♪ No way!

♪ Yeah!

♪ Whoa! ♪

PHELAN: Oh, no.

ANTEDIA: Met before?

Briefly. She kidnapped me.

She buried me alive.

DIVIS: Not that it's a competition,
but I had to stitch my lung back in

with fresh bear guts.

ANTEDIA: I like her already.

Can't we just find
this Lucius on our own?

Shut it, Quant.

HELLA: Who's looking
for the deserter?

CAIT: I am.

I remember you.

Where's the gold?

[COINS JINGLING] On the horse.

ANIA: Aren't you gonna count it?
Veran knows better than to twice me.

The Romans send deserters
to the front line.

This man you're looking for, he's in
a prison camp up in the Blue Hills.

Five days west.

The deal was you take us to him.

Not west.

West is too dangerous, no.

I have displaced deserters.
My sister will take you.

Sister? What sister?

[HORSE SNORTING]

Name's Drella. She
knows the paths west.

[FLIES BUZZING]

Hella and Drella.

Pay for Hella, get
Drella. [CHUCKLES]

[FLIES BUZZING]

PHELAN: That's our guide?

Morning, Drella.

Ooh, it's a nasty scab there.

Explain something to me.

Going west is too
dangerous for you,

but not for her.

Not for your own sister?
Who falls for that?

Who's stupid enough to swap
four bags of sand, for that.

I don't like her much.

[CHUCKLES]

Take it or leave it.
CAIT: We'll take it.

Mistake. It's a massive mistake.

No, I'm fine with
it. Anyone but her.

Word of warning, she
doesn't do small talk.

Also, don't get downwind of her.

And if she gets angry, run.

Got it. Thank you, Hella.

[SNICKERING]

Really?

Unbelievable.

Keep an eye out.

Not that one.

Not that one. Keep going.

That one.

I know what it is, but it is.

DIVIS: Hey. I still
can't piss straight!

CAIT: What do you know
of the Blue Hill tribes?

You mean before the invasion?

Hmm... let me see,
it's been a while.

The demonic were difficult,

The Belgie were a
laugh when pissed.

But then watch your back
when the moon is out.

Blue Mountain tribes
were always a headache.

The slightest beef and they
burn each other's homes.

I swear, there's something
in the water up there.

PHELAN: So this spear,

just imagine you're
talking to a total idiot.

The prophecy says the spear
will come from the east

and the Chosen One will unite
the tribes against Lokka.

Free them from his spell.

Excellent. Got all that, yep.

So, when this Lucius
packed his stuff

to come and invade us, was it...

Was it sandals, cloak,
tunic, helmet, spear?

Or was it sandals,
cloak, tunic, helmet,

spear of the silver dawn?

What do you mean?

DIVIS: So, what's the secret?

[SCOFFS] I mean, I
smell pretty ghastly,

but this... [EXHALES]

Whoo! [SNIFFS]

This is next level.

All the classic notes are there.

The dungs, the moulds.

Six or seven dead mammals.

I'm not a betting man, but
if you stood on my chest.

Is that stoat? PHELAN:
Think about it.

You had no idea

we were even over here.

Or that we were
waiting for a spear.

Yes. You agree
with me, don't you?

Other than a drum or a hat

or a cat?

See what I mean? [HORSE SNORTS]

Yes.

DIVIS: Badger, that's a given.

Dead man?

[SNIFFS] Different dead man.

[SNIFFS]

Much, much deader
man, but that...

[SNIFFS AND EXCLAIMS]

It's f*cking genius.
What even is that?

Servants of the Prophecy
do not always comprehend

the implore of their actions.

If you like choices
then... Ah, I've got it.

Are whispers of the
gods' ancient winds

blowing across time.

Way ahead of you there. Yeah.

Mind, though, my question...
Your question is,

does Lucius know his purpose,

or is he as lost as you?

Thank you. Yeah.

You don't even know her, do you?

She found you around the corner and just
flipped you. With full bags of jury gold.

Meanwhile, we are walking
into the Blue Mountains blind.

You know what, whoever
is waiting for us,

they know we're coming.

They can smell us from here.

[INHALES]

Lucius may not know his
purpose, but he knew he had one.

He knew.

If we listen hard, we
can hear the wind song.

Thanks, Rayne. But if
I'm completely honest,

that hasn't helped.

Here we go.

Which way?

In your own time.

She said you know the path.

She did.

That's what she said.

Do you know the path?

CAIT: What are these?

It's the Sun folk, but
these aren't their hills.

[HORSE SNORTS]

It must have been displaced.

Oh, come on.

ANTEDIA: Well, that way
doesn't look too inviting.

RAYNE: Could be Sun
folk, maybe Coritani.

Which is worse?

ANTEDIA: Both.

But the Sun folk respect Veran.

Or used to.

RAYNE: But we can't
just barrel in there.

We need a closer look.

I'll go.

I'll follow the red trees.

Tell the Sun folk our purpose.

They can tell us the safest way,

and if I don't return,
go the other way.

It's a plan.

[GRUNTS]

[HORSE NEIGHING]

[TONGUE CLICKING]

[KNIFE SHARPENING]

The lowlands are cursed.

Roman devils roam there.

The high hills will bear
the Chosen One on wood.

[SIGHS]

Come nearer, child.

There is heavy weight upon you.

I... do not want to
fail the Chosen One.

WOMAN: Follow the high hills.
They will bear her safely on.

The high hills.

Thank you, sisters.

[CLATTERING]

[EFFORT GRUNTS]

Dixon. Hey.

I'll loosen it. Yeah?

[EXHALES] I don't need it.

Sorry.

It's my job.

How's that?

Too tight?

I'll manage.

One more night, and those
two are knocking boots.

No, he's immaculate.

Immaculates are forbidden
to even think such thoughts.

So, he's a virgin?

Of course he's a virgin.
I mean, look at him.

[SCOFFS]

I'm not getting virgin.

c*ck, maybe. No, no, no.

Not c*ck.

Annoying. All
immaculates are annoying.

Him, especially.
He's an annoying

c*ck version. Well,
I can't see it.

You, however...

I'm right, aren't I?

How's... How is that
relevant? [HORSE GALLOPING]

I mean, how could...

How could you possibly
just breathe from...

[PANTING]

CAIT: What did
the Sun folks say?

The high hills...

The high hills
are too dangerous.

We must take the lowland way.

I disagree.

Why? My gut.

My gut says it's the wrong path.

Your gut?

My gut. Is this the same guy you
had to stitch back in with a bear's?

Should we have a vote?
Okay, just stop it.

Just stop. Everybody stop.

May I ask a question here?

Does vast experience
and monumental wisdom

count for nothing in this band?
Or is it just a free for all?

Does my opinion count
as much as this bucks

or this prancing pony

or that mute dung heap
we just got saddled with?

The Sun folk were
clear. [GRUNTS]

It's decided.

Let's move.

You all right?

f*ck's sake.

HEMPLE: Last night was
fun. AMENA: Wasn't it?

HEMPLE: You played that
witch to perfection.

[AMENA SCOFFS] I was jealous.

How did she get her inside?

I'm fascinated.

Simple. We both want
to k*ll your husband.

I'm on fire for
revenge, aren't I?

For what he did to my daughter.

Perfect.

Who could forgive that?

Of course, what
she didn't know is,

I don't really blame him.

Genius.

Veran's going to pay for
what he did to my family.

But I need help with that.

I want what Lokka wants.

It's why I'm so lucky you
came. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

You know I'm strong.
Not like Aulus.

I'll do anything you ask.

Uh, go on! [HORSE GRUNTS]

[DOOR OPENS]

HEMPLE: [SQUEAKY
VOICE] Little pig.

[GASPS]

[NORMAL VOICE] Little pig.

[SQUEAKY VOICE] Can I come in?

Well...

[NORMAL VOICE] My husband
thought it was tough.

"God, it's tough," he said.

I thought it was going
to be tough. Chewy.

Mmm.

But it wasn't.

It was... tender.

Flavoursome.

But as it turns out,

quite thick.

Quite dim for Veran's
right-hand man.

[HENS COOING]

Here's what I want you to do.

I'm going to go now,

and then I'm gonna come
back in the morning light.

In the meantime,

I want you to dig down

and think of the cleverest
thing you can think of.

Something to get...

[HARSHLY] Right inside this!

Deep inside!

What's the very last
thing Veran wants?

PHELAN: So anyway,
back to this spear.

It came from the East.

Where in the East? The
East is a big place.

What was it doing there?
Who did it belong to?

Is it long, short, bronze, iron?

A close call to battle
or range attack?

Is it a javelin?

Harpoon? Rapier?

A pike!

Trident! The prophecy
does not say.

Ha, there's a surprise.

It only states that
the spear was used

to slay a powerful Druid.

A Druid? He was a threat
to the kings of the land.

The kings tied the
Druid to a tree.

What are you doing? And he...

What?

The prophecy of Veran is
on a need to know basis.

This prat, trust me,
doesn't need to know.

And for your information,
it wasn't a tree.

It was a cross.

Stop!

It's the trees talking.

[EXCLAIMS]

[ALL YELLING]

CHIEF: Circle them!

Halt!

Excellent. Perfect.

So, anyone know just anything

about the f*cking Roman jerk?

Take their weapons,
food, horses.

Take their clothes.

k*ll them here.

Oh, thanks a bunch, Sun folk.

We were sent by Veran.

CHIEF: Veran abandoned us.

We'll repay him with blood.

Yours. Let me speak.

[GRUNTING]

k*ll him first.

Come here.

[GRUNTS]

Halt!

Antedia of the Regni.

[EXHALES]

Behold the queen!

WOMAN: The queen!

That's what I'm talking about.

Okay, what have you got for me?

That depends. What
have you got for me?

Now that depends on
what you've got for...

Everything all right?

Yes, fine.

You don't look so
good. Met your wife.

Sorry, how do you know my wife?

When did you meet my wife?

HELLA: Touchy subject?

When did you meet my wife?
Are you shouting at me?

No. Well, that's lucky.

Last person that shouted at me

didn't make it to the
end of the sentence.

I didn't meet her, I saw her.

Her and her mates
are heading this way.

She looks like
quite the package.

AULUS: Okay, look, we
both know how this works.

So, please, you just
tell me what small,

possibly useful,
possibly baffling,

possibly completely useless,

nugget of information
you have for me,

in exchange for
unthinkable riches.

Speaking of which...

Well, I'll get them to you.

They're up in the villa. When?

When my f*cking
wife isn't looking.

[CHUCKLES]

[SNIFFLES]

Veran's searching for someone.

Your friend Lucius,
the deserter.

You know where he is.

Also know who Veran
sent after him.

Two nuggets. That's twice
the unthinkable riches.

Who was it?

Sure you want the
other fellow to know?

What other fellow?
Your man over there.

[WHIMPERS]

[KNIFE HITS]
[GRUNTS AND SCREAMS]

[CRYING IN PAIN]

[ALL CHEERING]

All hail Antedia of the Regni!

Whatever she's lost,

she will always be a
queen at our table.

[ALL CHEERING AND HOOTING]

We're fighting the Brigantes.

b*stard scum.

Taken out majority of them.

Finally, our two tribes
have them pinned down.

But the Brigantes
aren't budging.

They're all set to winter us out

and this one...

[GRUNTS]

This one leads down a fire storm

and drives her chariot

clean through the flaming fort,

out the other side

with old King Arthur's head
on a spike! [ALL CHEER]

His face like... [ALL LAUGH]

To the hairiest, drunkenest,
most faithful allies

a queen could ever wish for.

[ALL CHEERING]

What brings you to
these lands, cousin?

Chasing a wife again?

Uh, the Romans came.

Father refused terms,

and they hounded and

slaughtered us
through the dark moons

before you

the last of the Bogie.

You are the last of the Regni.

But there is hope.

One sent by the gods.

So goes the prophecy,
the prophecy of Veran.

Ah, yes, the Druids. They
can sure trot it out.

The Druids hear the
word of the gods.

And you know she walks the land.

The daughter of the gods.

The Chosen One.

They say she commands
an army of thousands,

that she can turn them
invisible at will.

She rides the winged
horse of Epona.

[ALL CHEERING]

These things have been seen.

Soon she will appear
to us carrying

the spear of the ancestors
to smite the Roman devils.

[ALL CHEER]

Invisible armies, flying horses.

The wine's addled
your brain, cousin.

No.

No.

I know it.

The gods must see what has
become of their children.

The gods

will not abide our suffering.

[ALL CHEER] The gods

will not abandon us!

[ALL CHEER]

Your people will
rise again, brother.

[ALL CHEERING] Believe it.

[ALL HOOTING]

[MEN LAUGHING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

You all right? I'm fine.

It's just in the
morning I have to

ride the winged horse of Epona
and smite the Roman devils.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

[SNIFFLES]

[CLEARS THROAT] [SPITS]

[SIGHS]

You're right. We
should go to bed.

DIVIS: I think
that's a great idea.

Better than great.
It's immaculate.

Good night.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Get rid of him.

What? All of them.

You and I can do
this. Like before.

You're not much of a
team player, are you?

I'm telling you,

something is wrong. I
don't know what it is,

but whatever Veran
planned, it wasn't this.

You can change it.
You're in charge.

Make a choice.

Listen to me now.

Either you accept
how things are,

or I will make a choice.

You're not serious. Try me.

[ALL CHEERING]

I should be toasting you
with the finest mead.

At least you're not stuck.

A vermin groped from
this forsaken hole.

[SNIFFLES] Remember the Demetae.

b*stards. f*ck 'em!

And the Atrebates.

[EXHALES] Whoa!

CHIEF: Wankers. Yeah.

CHIEF: Fight like mice. Yeah.

Oh. Oh, and let's not forget

the cunty Cantii. [ALL LAUGHING]

Worse of the f*cking lot.

ANTEDIA: King Pellenor,

what a grim, foul, four-faced
slippery twat he was.

[ALL LAUGH] And that b*tch
daughter of his, Cara.

ANTEDIA: Oh, cuppen up.

Don't get me started on
that boss-eyed twonk.

[ALL LAUGH]

ANTEDIA: Pretty? I'd
rather f*ck an elk.

[ALL CHEER AND LAUGH]

ANTEDIA: Oh, thank the
Gods, they're both dead.

And I hear, I hear that,

that half-wit prince Phelan
is still knocking about.

What would we do

if he walked in right now?

What would we do?

Go. Roast him!

ALL: Yeah!

Alive and kicking!

[ALL CHEER]

Tell me, what would
you do, Quant.

In your own time,
Quant. [ALL LAUGH]

CHIEF: Come on, Quant!

I'm a Cantii. [CLEARS THROAT]

What did you say?

I'm Canti... [COUGHS]

[TALKING GIBBERISH]

I can't end this evening

without

singing... you a song.

Well, let's hear it.

MAN 1: Yes.

♪ My name is Quant and
I've come a long way

♪ I've come a long way

♪ My name is Quant and
I've come a long way

♪ But it's awfully
nice to be here ♪

Give us the verse about
the cunty Cantiis.

[ALL CHEER]

♪ Oh, the Cantii
are a bunch of scum

♪ Bunch of scum, bunch of scum

♪ The Cantii are a bunch of scum

♪ And so was King Pellenor ♪

[EXCLAIMS] [ALL CHEER]

♪ Who was not an
especially loving father

♪ To his son Phelan

♪ Who was also a c**t ♪
[ALL CHEER AND LAUGH]

ALL: [SINGING] ♪ The Cantii
are a bunch of scum ♪

CHIEF: f*ck the Cantii!

[VOICES GROW DISTANT]

[SIGHS] What are you doing?

Good morning.

You snore like a mule.

You kick like one, too.

I'm bruised all over. [CHUCKLES]

You talk in your sleep.

A lot.

What was I saying?

I thought I was in
a prophecy once.

I didn't know that.

Thought I was the
goddess Brenna.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, I...

I really believed it.

Couldn't eat... sleep.

Could barely think straight.

It's... It's not the same.

I'm just saying.

I've got some idea.

If you need help, I'm here.

Thank you.

[PEOPLE COUGHING]

[BABIES CRYING]

The land to the Blue
Hills isn't like here.

Tribes still fight against Rome.

w*r country.

Be on your guard, cousin.

Allow me, my queen.

Until we meet again.

Morning, piggy.

So,

what have you got for me?

Oh.

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

[SNIFFS]

[LAUGHING]

[SNORTING]

Clever witch.

[ALL SCREAMING]

CAIT: Follow me.

♪ There was a maid,
a fair, fair maid

♪ A-gathering nuts to go

♪ She pulled them high,
she pulled them low

♪ She pulled them
where they hung

♪ 'Til tired at last
she laid them down

♪ And slept the woods among

♪ When by there came
three lusty lads

♪ Three lusty lads and strong

♪ Three lusty lads and strong ♪

[ALL SCREAMING]

♪ The first did
kiss her rosy lips

♪ He thought it was not wrong

♪ The second loosed
her bodice fair

♪ They stuffed with leather long

♪ And what the third
did to that girl

♪ Has no place in this song ♪

[ALL SCREAMING]

RAYNE: They're already dead.

We need to move on.

♪ The maid awoke
in fright she woke

♪ And said I've slept too long ♪

WOMAN: Help me!

Please!

Please, my son!

[HORSE NEIGHS]

PHELAN: Cait. Cait!

No, no, no, no, wait!

SOLDIER: Out! Move out!

[FLIES BUZZING]

[GROANING]

[PANTING]

[WOMAN CRYING]

They took our boy.

RAYNE: Cait! Cait!

[SOBBING]

Cait.

Shh! Listen to me.
Look at me. Look at me.

We'll find him.

I promise. I promise.

They've taken a child.

I'm going after them. You
have a duty. This isn't it.

I'm doing it, so it must be.

Remember? I'll come with you.

Thank you.

[DISTANT ECHOING
CRIES] BOY: Mother!

[PANTING]

Wait.

[BOTH GRUNT]

[MEN YELLING IN THE DISTANCE]

[KNIFE DRAWS]

MAN: Hey! Stop girl. Stop!

Come out!

Come out now.

[SPEAR SLASHES] [GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS] [SCREAMS]

[WHIMPERS]

[DISTANT ECHOING CRIES]

It's all right.

You're safe. You're safe now.