01x01 - One Sweet & Sour Chinese Adventure – to Go

[bunniefuu]

RUFUS: I had been selected for a most important journey.

I was to help fulfill the destiny of the Two Great Ones,

Bill and Ted.

Wyld Stallyns rule!

♪ Whenever time stands still and trouble moves too fast

♪ To save the future, we must learn about the past

(WHOOSHING)

BOTH: Whoa!

Excellent!

♪ Bill & Ted's

Bogus!

♪ Excellent Adventures

♪ Most outstanding every day

♪ It's outrageous, so bodacious

♪ Help is always on the way

♪ Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ It's a party, that's for sure

♪ Bill & Ted's Most Excellent Adventures ♪

Bill & Ted: Most triumphant!

Oh, honey, this vase looks just lovely here, don't you think?

What? I can't hear you with all that blamed racket.

(SCREAMS)

Ooh! Ah! Oh!

(LAUGHS) And you said you didn't know how to dance.

(THUD)

Those kids and their music are driving me crazy.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

I am Bill S. Preston, Esq.

And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan.

Together, we are

Wyld Stallyns!

(MUSIC STOPS)

Whoa, dude. What happened?

I don't know, Ted. We've either lost our power or our hearing.

MR. PRESTON: (CLEARS THROAT)

BILL: Dad!

So, dad, I imagine you and Missy,

I mean, mom, have come to hear some of our most triumphant music.

Actually, Bill, we could hear you boys quite well from the kitchen.

BILL AND TED: Outstanding!

Are you kidding?

This stuff is so loud, people can hear you in Australia.

Excellent, mate!

You boys better turn this noise down

or you can just find yourselves another place to practice.

Ya got that?

Yes, dad.

Yes, Mr. Preston.

Coming, Missy?

Yes, dear.

Bill, your father and I are going to buy a new coffee cup.

You boys have fun.

Wow, Bill, your stepmom, Missy, sure is nice.

She sure is, Ted.

But I do not think my father understands the importance of volume to fine music.

I mean, how can we attain true melodious splendor

unless we're allowed to turn our amps up to the utmost limits?

Good point, Ted.

(VASE BREAKING)

TED: Oh, man.

Your stepmom's brand new antique Chinese vase.

Are you in trouble, dude.

Ted, this is indeed a most heinous turn of events.

I mean, they have everything else.

For sure. Twelve different flavors of super freeze.

Yeah, the cherry-avocado- banana is most outstanding.

(SLURPING)

My question now is, where can we go to find an antique Chinese vase?

Antique China!

Bogus, there's someone in our time-traveling phone booth.

Hey, dude, get your...

Rufus!

Greetings, amigos.

No, I don't want anchovies.

I'm allergic to the salty little buggers.

It's spelled R-U-FUS.

Rufus.

And make it quick. I'm starving.

Rufus, what are you doing in the here and now?

I just dropped by from the 27th century

to deliver your new "Circuits of Time" phone book.

Excellent!

Check it out, Ted. A similar vase of recent vintage

will be most severely cheap.

So, while I was here, I thought I'd pick up one of your pizzas.

In the 27th century, there's no such thing as thick crust.

Drag.

We would love to hang out and chat, Rufus,

but we are on our way to ancient China.

I'm supposed to warn you guys...

Yeah, we know,

don't drink the water.

(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)

No, it was something else.

Hey, I said no anchovies!

(SCREAMING)

Whoa, so this is ancient China.

Looks just like the Epcot center.

But where is everybody?

Hey, old ancient Asian dude,

we thought China was supposed to be totally crowded.

Give us a few hundred years.

(GONG SOUNDING)

Party on, dudes.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoa, Bill.

Look at all the cups and plates and saucers and stuff.

Of course, Ted.

That is why they call this country China.

Greetings, young strangers. I am Dr. Lao.

How may I help you boys?

Dr. dude, we are looking for a vase of some kind

with, sort of, blue type flowers

and these, you know, little squiggly lines all over

and, like, handles on it.

Ah yes, our most popular number.

Here is the display model.

BILL: Perfect.

No, no, do not touch the floor model.

(GLASS BREAKING)

Nice move, Ted. Not.

Can we have a bag, please?

Paper, not plastic.

We are, like, two environmentally conscious dudes.

Seize the heathens!

What are you so upset about?

This one didn't break.

Man, if my dad finds out

that I have been sentenced to really hard Chinese labor,

he'll k*ll me.

Not to worry, Ted.

Your father will not be born for another 600 years.

Oh, good.

PRISON GUARD: Young hoodlums.

How is your task proceeding?

Pretty good, Mr. mean guard dude.

My friend speaks the truth.

We have almost finished that wall we were so unjustly ordered to build.

To the contrary.

Bring on the bricks!

(CRASH OF BRICKS)

No way!

Yes way, infidels.

Any questions?

Yes.

How can you zip your pants with such long fingernails?

Well...

(EXHALES)

That's it, dude.

We are finished.

TED: Not bad for a couple of days' work.

Well done, young rehabilitated infidels.

So, ugly prison guard,

are we, like, free to go about our business?

Indeed.

Here are your clothes, nicely dry-cleaned and pressed.

And some money to begin your new lives.

Pleats! Righteous.

Thanks, dude.

(WALL COLLAPSING)

What is this strange contraption parked in this tow-away zone?

Have you yokels never seen these devices?

Come on, let's cram inside.

Smile, everyone.

We get four pictures for a dollar.

(BANGING)

Must be broken.

The great Kublai Khan will know how to fix it.

To the palace!

Oh, man. I'm too late.

I must inform the dudes.

(BURPS)

Ew, I knew I shouldn't have eaten those anchovies.

Ted, we must find a vase and get back to the booth most promptly.

That is true, Bill.

But more importantly,

I am most supremely hungry.

Me too, dude.

Okay, let's get lunch.

Welcome to Oodles of Noodles.

I am Kitten Kaboodles.

Would you like some water?

Nah.

(GONG SOUND)

Do you have a reservation?

No, I just need to tell my friends about their phone booth.

No reservation, no conversation.

Out!

(LOUD CRASH)

I do not know if you have what I want.

But it is my favorite at the Chinese restaurant near our house in San Dimas.

MAITRE D': And what would that be?

It's called, "a number ten".

Ah, our special today.

Excellent!

Fortune cookies! Savory.

Bill, that is dessert.

Where are your table manners?

(SLURPS)

Sorry, dude, I cannot resist these delectable taste treats

complete with words of wisdom.

Whoa, Ted, listen this.

"Amigos,

"Your phone booth has been towed to the great Kublai Khan.

"Confucius says, hustle your butts to his palace pronto."

Man, we had better hurry up and eat our noodles.

But first, I wonder what fortune awaits me.

"P.S. Forget the noodles.

"Your pal, Rufus."

Hey, Ms. Noodles Kaboodles, ma'am,

can we get these noodles to go, please?

To go?

Yes, you know, in, like, little white boxes with funny handles?

I don't follow.

Like this.

Gnarly, dudes.

Whoa.

We had better haul our noodles down to that Kublai dude's palace.

MAITRE D': Young sirs. Wait.

With today's special, you get a free vase.

Excellent!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

KUBLAI KHAN: And so Marco Polo, my good friend,

in honor of your 20 years of loyal service,

it is my great pleasure to present you

with this magnificently magical device,

which takes four pictures for a mere dollar.

Although, it is busted.

(OOH'ING)

(SINGING) Grazie, grazie, for the gift

oh Kublai, Kublai, Kublai...

(ON A HIGH NOTE) Khan.

You're welcome.

(SINGING) C'mon, c'mon, we have a boat to catch.

A nice guy, but his singing drives me nuts.

(SINGING) To the docks, to the docks, me sailor boys...

Psst, hey,

most honorable young stranger and buddy.

Are you talking to us, sinister and mysterious type dude?

How would you like to win a free trip around the bloody world?

Ted, my easily distracted colleague,

we must make our way to the palace or be stuck in ancient China

until it's modern-day China.

But all you must do is answer one simple question.

What color is an orange?

An orange?

Most correct!

You have won a free trip to Italy.

Outstanding!

By way of Shanghai.

Bogus!

Ted, wake up.

Huh? We are we, dude?

I do not know.

This is just a guess.

But I would say we are somewhere in the middle of the China sea,

1295 A.D.

Excellent. A cruise.

Just like...

The Love Boat.

(DOOR OPENING)

Not.

All right, you idle chaps. Enough of your goldbricking.

Shuffleboard. Outstanding!

Those are mops, you dipstick.

Now get to work.

(SAILOR MUSIC PLAYING)

Bill, I just have one question for you.

What is it, Ted?

What color is an orange?

Ted, you bonehead. Its color is the same as its name.

Just like a lemon.

(SINGING) I am the captain, the captain of the ship.

Sailing somewhere in the middle of the China sea...

(SCREAMS)

Look out for the...

(LOUD CRASH)

Soap.

BILL: Nice earrings, dude.

Yes, but you really should only wear one, dude.

(GRUNTING)

You interrupted my aria.

No one interrupts Marco Polo.

Marco Polo?

Are you the dude that invented that righteous water sport?

If you ever disturb my singing again,

I'll have your last remaster for at least...

Half an hour.

Aye, aye, Captain O'Polo.

(SINGING) You boys, you boys, some day you will be fine.

Yow!

(LOUD CRASH)

Sailors...

Dude, we are in big trouble.

No kidding.

Out here in the hot sun without any zinc oxide for my nose.

No, Ted, I mean there goes our phone booth!

To the Captain's quarters, and get out quick!

Before he starts to sing.

BILL: Once we find that phoone booth,

we are two excellent compadres and a vase.

To go.

Do not forget the noodles in this handy take-out carton.

(SNORING)

TED: There it is, dude.

BILL: Be totally quiet.

TED: What?

BILL: We do not want to wake Captain O'Polo.

TED: Man, it is truly dark in here.

All right, Ted, my friend,

punch in the number for San Dimas.

Here it goes, Bill.

(MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)

Morning, Captain!

(SINGING) Awake, awake, and so I am awake.

And you boys are in big trouble now.

(SINGING) Yo h*, yo h*,

I'm painting a ship for Mr. O'Polo.

It was quite excellent of the most musical captain

to reward us with the task of painting the ship.

Don't you agree, Bill?

Ted, I believe he intended this as a punishment.

Not for me, I like painting.

My grandmother let me paint her van last summer.

BILL: Yeah, your grandmother is extremely cool.

Yeah, except she wears too much perfume and likes to hug a lot.

Most unnecessary.

(CRASH IN WATER)

BILL: All done, dude.

TED: Think Mr. O'Polo will like it?

(SINGING) My ship, my ship

you boys have ruined my ship.

This is an act of mutany.

Uno momento, mon capitaine.

Back in San Dimas, for a custom paint job such as that,

one might pay as much as 50 bucks.

Yeah, and we did two coats.

(SINGING) Enough with your foolish talk.

It is time to walk the plank, you naughty sailor boys.

Bogus.

(CRASH IN WATER)

(GURGGLING)

BILL: The vase!

TED: Bummer, dude.

BOTH: Bogus!

(THUD)

Bogus!

(CRASH)

(DIALING)

(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)

(LAUGHING)

Well, it looks as if everything is ready for my birthday feast. (LAUGHS)

It looks just super, don't it?

(GROWLS)

Sire, bad news,

Marco Polo's ship has been reported lost at sea.

(GASPING)

Darn, he was bringing the rice.

sh**t. We'll just have to serve the potatoes instead.

Don't quote me, sire, but I think we're out of potatoes.

Aw, poop.

Next you'll tell me the dining hall is flooded.

(CRASH)

Dude, you can breathe now.

(EXHALES)

Thanks, dude.

Marco, you've ruined my lunch.

I'll have your head.

But, sire, I...

Do not blame Captain O'Polo, your hugeness.

It was all, like, our fault.

Whoa!

This burns my brownies.

Twenty years ago I sent you to China for rice,

and all you bring back is a flounder.

I could just spit...

But your royal dudeness,

fish is good brainiac food.

I already have an entree,

I need a starch.

Try these on for size, dude.

(SLURPING)

Mmm, delicious.

What's it called?

It's called, "a number ten".

No, that will never do.

Let me think a moment.

I know, it'll just hit me right in the head.

Spaghetti, you bad dog.

(LANDS IN WATER)

Now,

(CHUCKLES) what was I saying?

(SINGING) You boys have really saved my fanny.

How can I repay you?

Uh, take singing lessons, Mr. O'Polo.

Woah, Bill,

we'd better get back as Missy mom will be home any minute.

Yeah, I guess we'll just have to return without a vase.

You need a vase?

I've got plenty of vases.

Hey, I get 'em at a noodle shop I visit when in China.

Excellent!

BILL: Hair to the right, dude.

I think it should go a hair to the left, dude.

(VASE BREAKING)

One hair too far.

Oh, Missy mom is gonna be displeased.

MISSY: Hello, boys.

BILL: Hi, Missy.

I mean, mom.

Go on, dude, tell her.

(SIGHS) Mom...

I got some bad news.

Well, we sorta...

We sorta broke your vase.

But we'll pay for it, Mrs. Preston.

Do you boys have any idea what that vase is worth?

A billion dollars?

(CHUCKLING) No!

It was a freebie.

A giveaway at that new restaurant down the street,

Oodles of Noodles.

Whoa!

How totally ironic!

Ted, my friend,

I have figured out a means by which we can play

as loud as we wish without the fear of breaking any more invaluable china.

How is that, Bill, my trusted colleague?

I have plugged our amplifiers into these headphones.

Let's try it, dude.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Big mistake, dude.

Yeah.

But the music was...

Most excellent!