01x09 - This Babe Ruth "BABE" is A DUDE, Dude

[bunniefuu]

RUFUS: I have been selected for a most important journey.

I was to help fulfill the destiny of the Two Great Ones,

Bill and Ted.

Wyld Stallyns rule!

♪ Whenever time stands still and trouble moves too fast

♪ To save the future, we must learn about the past

(WHOOSHING)

BOTH: Whoa!

Excellent!

♪ Bill & Ted's

Bogus!

♪ Excellent Adventures

♪ Most outstanding every day

♪ It's outrageous, so bodacious

♪ Help is always on the way

♪ Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ It's a party, that's for sure

♪ Bill & Ted's Most Excellent Adventures ♪

TED: Is Wednesday not the most heinous of all school days?

Assuredly so, my glum friend, Ted.

For Wednesdays we must take... Gym class!

But, and however, are we not the recipients of brand new

jock-type footwear?

Exactly!

Run faster, jump higher, with Pump 'n Plump,

the original air-in-sole sneakers!

With which we will be able to breeze through gym class!

(STATIC NOISE)

I wonder what Rufus is doing at the San Dimas lanes!

I do not know. Working on his seven ten split?

My friend, I'm renting the entire bowling alley for the day.

And these are the only shoes you have for me?

I'll check in back for more.

Greetings gentlemen.

Rufus, we didn't know our most excellent future bud

was devoted to grazing the gutters.

Far from it, my friends.

In fact, bowling is outlawed in the future.

BOTH: No way!

Yes way. In our harmonious society,

it has been determined that no human should be forced to wear shoes this

ugly in public.

There's been a warp in the fabric of time, gentlemen.

It's all very technical, but it means history isn't repeating itself right.

And you have to help iron it out!

Correctamundo!

Seems there's a Yankee regiment about to miss a shipment

of uniforms and supplies.

And without shoes, those Yankee soldiers will lose the civil w*r.

The North will fall,

and you'll be sucking up hominy grits at the Kozy Korner!

Whoa, we cannot let that egregious chain of events

befall our favorite curbside eatery, Ted.

Rufus, we donate our most worthy gym shoes to this righteous cause.

A truly excellent gesture, my friends.

Hey! You can't take rented shoes out of the bowling alley!

It's okay! I'll have them back right after the fall of Atlanta!

You two vamoose to school, so you get good grades,

and go on to become the most excellent dudes I know you're going to be in the future.

Sayonara!

(STATIC NOISE)

(ELECTRIC GUITAR HEARD)

We won! Are we not Olympians?

You're supposed to run over the hurdles, not through them!

And you're out of uniform!

But sir, we donated our sneakers to the barefoot soldiers fund.

Barefoot sol...

That does it! Logan, Preston, you're on lunch time detention detail!

You will clean and polish these trophies until they shine.

And be especially careful with this baseball,

which was personally autographed by the most famous Yankee of all time,

Babe Ruth!

Now get to work!

I wonder if this Yankee babe is who Rufus is lending our sneakers to.

Ted, you knuckle head watch out!

Whoa!

Ted, that was most close.

Bill!

Ted, my friend, you have just saved us from a fate worse than push-ups!

Fortunately, it is just a ball and cannot break!

Whoa! Most truly heinous!

The babe's autograph has completely taken the scrub, dude!

What do we do about this most un-tranquil turn of events, Bill?

We have to get this babe Ruth's signature back on the ball before lunch

period is over, Ted.

Our most corpulent gym instructor said Ruth was a famous Yankee!

And Rufus is renting bowling shoes to some Yankees right now!

BOTH: Excellent!

(SCREAMING)

(COUGHING)

RUFUS: Hey, hey, get your shoes here!

Look, it's Rufus!

Act now and receive a free bonus gift!

You'll get shoe-be-do!

A collection of the most famous footwear tunes of all time!

Who can forget the love theme from Barefoot in the park,

These boots are made for walking,

Blue suede shoes,

plus Larry Storch singing Shoo fly don't bother me.

Rufus, how goes the w*r?

It goes most excellently gentlemen.

All the Yankee soldiers now have shoes.

The time warp has smoothed itself out,

and I got rid of all my old albums.

Can't seem to unload these eight track tapes though.

Rufus, we have a most serious problem.

A crucial Yankee signature has washed off coach Sweat Sox's favorite baseball.

Some babe named Ruth.

Hmm, I see your problem.

But, the only one around here who knows anything about baseball

is a weird cat named General Abner Doubleday.

Thanks most sincerely, Rufus!

Catch you guys on the flip side, when I come back for the bowling shoes!

♪Shoe-be-doo-be-do ♪

(SCREAMING AND CHEERING)

I'm losing boys right and left out on that field!

Nothing very civil about w*r, is there, General army dude?

w*r? I'm talking about the game I invented.

Baseball!

Get the ball!

Hit the runner!

Get him out!

Another one out cold!

Ted, this is most erroneous.

Yes. I don't see this babe Ruth dudette anywhere.

Perhaps these are the wrong Yankees!

(BLOWING A TRUMPET)

General Jackson's men are approaching fast, sir!

Hold your fire, men!

Oh, it's a game!

Let's show those union boys how to play!

All right!

I want to pitch!

We're being challenged!

Put these men in the game, Sergeant Spats!

Play ball.

Duck dude, duck!

You are safe!

Safe?

He slid!

That's a terrific idea!

Sliding!

If i made it a diamond, we would only need four bases.

That would be a great savings in bases.

I can m*ssacre the ball with this.

Way to stroke it over that stone wall, Jackson!

Woo! I like that! Yeah, "Stonewall Jackson."

Has a real ring to it.

Ted, you knucklehead. That was coach Sweat Sox's baseball!

Do not worry, Bill. I will find it.

You pitch! Batter up!

You're out!

Out?

He was safe by a mile!

He was out!

(ARGUING)

Ted, my friend. Did you find the ball?

No, Bill, by friend.

Well, never mind.

I think it's time to put some history between them and us.

(g*n SHOT HEARD)

Excuse me, ma'am, but are you that most famous Yankee babe,

Babe Ruth?

No. I'm Harriet Tubman.

Are you for the north or the south?

Neither! We're for Bill and Ted!

HARRIET: Ah. How is this upended boxcar traveling underground?

It's a phone booth.

And we're not underground, but rather dealing with the oddities of time travel.

I don't understand.

That's okay, neither do we.

Bill, Ted, we must go back.

I am trying to get to the north with a group of my friends,

and we were trapped behind that b*ttlefield.

No problemo. Greetings, operator babe.

Can you reverse the charge of that last call?

OPERATOR: Hold onto your cookies!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(WHISPERING) Psst! Everyone, over here.

All aboard, g*ng!

Thank you for the offer, but we won't all fit,

and we need to stick together.

All right, if you're sure! But be careful!

And be excellent to one another!

Now how are we going to get past the confederate army, Miss Tubman?

Just like my friends, Bill S. Preston Esquire,

and Ted Theodore Logan,

who together are the Wyld Stallyns!

We're gonna use horses?

No! We are going to build our own railroad underground!

BILL AND TED: I hate this part!

How's it going peasant farmer, dude?

Witches! You must be cousin's of the Count.

(WHIPPING)

Cousins of the Count! Cousins of the Count!

What did he say?

He thinks we're cousins of the Count.

Count who?

Who cares!

Before we search for this baseball babe any longer,

I say we hitch to the nearest convenience mart

and order industrial size frosty slushes and nachos!

Whoa!

Look out!

Excuse us, gnarled old fellow traveler dude,

but could we trouble you for a ride to ye local Kozy Korner?

(MUMBLING)

Thanks for the lift, strange little dude.

Thank you for the lift.

(MUMBLING)

(WHIPPING)

Hiya!

Whoa, most triumphant!

BOTH: Not!

Ted, we have to get our hijacked phone booth back!

Bill, I sense bigger problems afoot!

MAN: Get them!

I saw them rise from a coffin in the swamp.

They surely are cousins of the Count!

To the bottom of the pond with them!

Excuse us, but just who is this Count?

FARMERS: Count Dracula!

Oh. That count!

(CHANTING) Down with the cousins of the Count!

Ted, you and I have experienced many things,

but nothing so odious as what is about to occur.

(STATIC HEARD)

Greetings, amigos.

Say, listen, here's your sneakers back.

Look out, Rufus!

It's another of Dracula's disciples!

Whoops! Hate to crash and dash!

A civil w*r souvenir that might help break the tension.

Ciao, Goombas!

(BRANCH CREAKING)

ALL: He's gone! It's black magic!

Whoa!

Stop them!

They're escaping!

Use our sneakers, Ted!

Commander Ted to mission control.

Prepare pumps for...

Blast off! Whoa!

Where are we, Ted?

MAN: Shh!

You better not disturb the Count,

unless you want to end up like us.

What did you do?

I was just delivering his mail.

His milk.

His publisher's warehouse sweepstake with my picture on it.

Oh h*!

But the Count is most unforgiving when his slumber is disturbed.

(ALARM CLOCK RINGING)

COUNT: For crying out loud, Cheswick,

this ringing's going to drive me cuckoo!

Being a monarch isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Yes, Master Dracula.

(SHEEP BLEATING)

(CHESWICK MUMBLING)

I haven't slept in weeks.

If it isn't a peasant uprising,

it's the front doorbell! The milkman! The delivery man!

And the postman always rings twice!

Or it's that neighbor kid bouncing that ball!

Hey Kareem, can the sky hook!

I'm trying to get a little shut eye!

I hate basketball.

(ALARM CONTINUES TO RING)

It sounds like the ringing is coming from down the hall.

Sorry counting the sheep didn't help, Master.

And I ask for a coffin, so I can get the "sleep of the dead,"

but you bring me one that's defective!

Ring, ring, ring! I'm going bats man!

(RINGING)

Shh!

Ted, we have to save the phone booth!

But how? He'll put us on posts and turn us into lawn jockeys!

(COUGHING)

Who's there?

Trespassers!

What do we do now?

Hope he bunts!

Whoa!

Um, Mr. Count Dracula, sir.

We're from coffins are us?

We are?

Then fix that infernal ringing, before I give you a stake!

He's inviting us for dinner, Bill.

I like mine medium rare,

and I don't know why everyone thinks you're such a bad guy, Dracula!

You know maybe cut down on the caffeine a little,

and...

Fix the coffin!

You stopped the ringing!

Now get out!

Mr. Dracula, sir, allow my esteemed colleague and I to demonstrate

some of this phone... Coffin's most bodacious features.

(MELODIOUS TONE)

(SNORING)

Good work, Bill.

But how will we get him out of the booth?

Got it, dude!

You really think this will work?

What have we got to lose?

Our blood?

Do not worry. It will work. Go!

It worked! Come on, let's blow this mausoleum.

(SCREAMING)

We forgot his stake.

(STOMACH RUMBLING)

What was that?

My stomach, dude!

You mentioned food and we have not yet had lunch.

Then all in favor of a "chow down," say aye!

BOTH: Aye!

What're you dialing, Bill?

H-O-T-D-O-G-S.

BOTH: Hotdogs!

Ted! We are in Yankee stadium!

Just in time for the wave!

This is, most sincerely, our lucky day.

Not!

How so, not?

We finally get to Yankee stadium where there isn't a single babe

playing ball on the field!

True. But hot dogs are only a most inexpensive nickel!

BOTH: Not bad!

All right, ye ruffians, let me see your ticket stubs.

Uh...ticket stubs?

Eddie van Halen?

BOTH: World tour!

Come with me, ye gate crashers!

Let's flee this dog pound!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

I think we ditched him, dude.

ANNOUNCER: On deck number three, Babe Ruth!

The babe we're looking for is going to bat! Come on!

BABE RUTH: Aw, bat boy, I've been in a slump. Pick me out a special stick, please.

Bill, this Babe Ruth, "babe" is a dude, dude!

Do not scoff at his name, dude.

He's big!

This is gonna be my lucky bat!

Thanks, kid!

No problemo. A simple autographed baseball would be thanks enough.

Oh sorry, kid. I gotta go. I'm up to bat.

How about this?

And keep an eye on the center field wall.

I'll put one out of the park with your names on it.

That's Bill S. Preston Esquire!

And Ted Theodore Logan.

Together known as...

The gate crashers!

No. Wyld stally... Who!

Oh, why is it, no one will buy my blibber blubber?

Whoa! Heads up!

Oh, my back.

Oh, my head!

Oh, my blibber blubber!

Your blibber blubber?

Yes, you've ruined my entire supply!

Oh, sorry, dude.

Well, it doesn't matter, no one was buying it anyway.

I am not surprised.

What is it?

Well, here, try some.

You can chew it.

Bubble gum!

Blibber blubber... Bubble gum.

Ah, what's the difference. No one wants it.

We would like some. Except that we spent our last nickel on those hot dogs.

How about trading some gum for this autographed picture of Babe Ruth?

Hey! I'll bet if I packaged my gum with photos of baseball players,

I could sell a million!

See you boys! I've got work to do!

Well dude, now that you have traded Babe Ruth's

picture for some blibber blubber, what are we going to give Coach Sweat Sox?

ANNOUNCER: And now batting, the bambino himself, Babe Ruth.

The Babe has hit this one hard!

It's going...going. Going...gone!

Home run number 64, Babe Ruth.

Now what, dude?

Leaping air guitar!

What?

Just do it Ted and blow the biggest bubble you can.

Oh, yeah!

Whoa! The ball the babe said he would hit for us!

Too bad it's not autographed.

Woo! Wrong! Check it out!

That Babe is an okay dude!

Three minutes to get back to school before lunch period is over.

And Coach Sweat Sox has us running laps for the rest of our lives.

Oh, good work, Logan.

Even cleaned up my Babe Ruth ball I see.

And I see you boys found your gym sneakers.

The soldiers did not need them anymore, Coach.

They won the w*r!

And the game!

Whew, that was closer than a military hair cut, Ted.

Rufus!

Like Yogi Bear used to say, "It ain't over until it's over."

Yeah, and like his little buddy Boo Boo used to say,