01x05 - The More Heinous They are, the Harder They Fall

[bunniefuu]

RUFUS: I had been selected for a most important journey.

I was to help fulfill the destiny of the Two Great Ones,

Bill and Ted.

Wyld Stallyns rule!

♪ Whenever time stands still and trouble moves too fast

♪ To save the future, we must learn about the past

(WHOOSHING)

BOTH: Whoa!

Excellent!

♪ Bill & Ted's

Bogus!

♪ Excellent Adventures

♪ Most outstanding every day

♪ It's outrageous, so bodacious

♪ Help is always on the way

♪ Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ It's a party, that's for sure

♪ Bill & Ted's Most Excellent Adventures ♪

BILL & Ted: Most triumphant!

TED: Ladies and gentle-dudes,

please welcome the excellent lead guitarist

for Wyld Stallyns.

Ted "Theodore" Logan!

What is that most odious aroma

which assails my nose holes?

Deacon, my youthful bro

you smell like a bag full of unlaundered gym shorts.

Real funny, Ted.

Hey, dry up, you little bonehead.

Sorry, it's just that I got trashed by k*ller Gibran,

the school bully.

An experience I'll never forget.

(SHOUTING) Hey, Logan!

(STAMMERING) Yeah, k*ller?

You forgot to give me your lunch money.

Eat my socks, dipstick.

Whoa!

Help!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Knock it off, k*ller! That's enough, okay!

I said that's enough!

Whoa, this Gibran dude

sounds like a most heinous brute.

Yeah, and he said he was gonna get me again tomorrow.

Ted, if you were me, what would you do?

Use soap. You still stink.

Thanks, Ted. You've been a real help.

Not!

Whoa, being a big older brother

is a most bogus onus.

Bill, I am serious. The situation is fully dire.

BILL: Yes, Ted, I quite agree with you.

I mean, the little dude really needs help.

You're telling me. Those Amazonian babes

are making mincemeat out of him.

(CHEERING)

No, dude, I'm talking about Deacon.

I let him down in a most major way.

Uno momento, Ted my friend.

I am about to become the supreme dream hunk

to these lovely Amazon babes.

Bogus. Ted, my compadre,

your problem with Deacon

reminds me of last week's geometry quiz.

How is that, Bill?

I do not know the solution.

RUFUS: Greetings amigos!

BOTH: Rufus.

If you're going to be the inspiration

for a future civilization...

You'd better learn how to dish out advice.

Rufus, our most excellent ally,

perhaps you could enlighten us

on what to do in the case of a bully.

Like all true leaders you must solve your own problems.

Now to take care of some Amazon babes.

Good luck, gentlemen.

Ted I am about to graduate to brainiac status!

We can go back in time

and get some truly big dude to beat up Deacon's bully.

BOTH: Excellent!

Bill, what should I look under

to find a most heinous bully?

It's obvious, Ted. Look under M for "most."

Ah! Here we are.

Check it out, dude. "Looking for the royal treatment?

"When it comes to bullies, he's the king."

Henry V-eye-eye-eye.

Three eyes?

Whoa, that's got to be one scary looking dude.

No, Ted, that mean eight in Roman numbers.

Henry eight.

Whoa! He must be good if he's already made eight movies.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Are you sure this is merry old England?

Ted, I am certain I dialed the right number.

5550 Henry.

(TRUMPETS BLOWING)

(DOGS BARKING)

Whoa!

Whoa!

Dude, that was intense.

I wonder what that little fox did

to get so many people that irate?

HENRY VIII: Yoicks.

(GRUNTING)

How dare you interfere with the royal hunt?

We are fully sorry, your extra massiveness.

My friend speaks the truth.

Well, you'll be even sorrier

when you find yourselves in the tower of London.

I hear that is one excellent tourist attraction.

You dare to jest with Henry VIII?

I'm no good at jest, but I'll play you a game of checkers.

Henry viii? You are the greatest bully

the world has ever known!

Do you really think so?

Of course, your flabbyship,

that is why we have come to ask you to accompany us...

(TRUMPET BLOWING)

Well, lads, the thought of beating up a bully

is most appealing.

However/ I'm getting married tomorrow to Anne Boleyn,

and if I miss that ceremony, she'll have my head.

(SNIFFING)

Now give me a leg up, will you, lads?

(GRUNTING AND GROANING)

Ouch!

Ah!

(NEIGHING)

Now there is this new kid in Russia, Ivan the terrible.

I hear he's pretty nasty.

Maybe he can help you boys out.

Let us dial Russia and vamoose.

TED: Wait, dude.

Hey, little fur face, you can hide in here.

I just hope you're house-broken.

You mean booth-broken.

(SCREAMING)

BOTH: Whoa!

(LOUD CRASH)

TED: Adios, little fox, you'll be safe now

from those medieval bullies who are not into animal rights.

MAN: (SCARED WIMPY VOICE) Hey, who are you boys?

Please don't hurt me.

Pardon us, Russian dweeb,

but might you know where we can find a Mr. Terrible?

I am the great Ivan the terrible.

(COUGHING)

BOTH: Of course you are. Nott

It's true. I really am the czar of Russia.

But you are such a geek.

Yes, how did you acquire such a bodacious reputation?

Oh, it's all image.

You've got to make the people think you're tough...

(COUGHING)

(DEEP VOICE) Even if you're not.

Hey, that's pretty brainy, Mr. Terrible. Ahem.

Now I must scourge and pillage the countryside

striking fear into the hearts of many.

Uh' before you begin your reign of terror,

how would you like to take a quick trip in our booth

to quaint old San Dimas

and help us with a puny little bully?

Ohhh! Sorry, but I get claustrophobic

and traveling makes me nauseous. Bye-bye.

Ow!

BOTH: Well!

Ted, my most trusted traveling companion,

I wonder where we should go next?

How about we get that giant from Jack and the beanstalk?

You bonehead, he's a fairytale.

Oh! We need someone who is most awe inspiring and also real.

BOTH: Rambo!

Bill, my most respected colleague

something most calamitous must occur to my brother's bully.

Ted, you are most astute, dude.

I have just the thing!

Dang it. Just my luck!

BILL AND TED: Whoa!

(LOUD CRASH)

Dude, that was a most unprecedented landing.

Truly one of your worst.

Yes, it felt like we landed on something squishy.

BILL: Whoa Ted! I landed on him

the wicked witch of the east!

Are we in oz, dude?

No, you bonehead, we are in deadwood city.

Whoa, awful small for a city, dude.

(GRUNTING AND GROANING)

Hey, give me a hand with this grizzled older cowboy dude.

Uh, what happened?

Uh, our phone booth accidentally landed on you.

Accident my gluteus maximus!

Calamity Jane must be back in town.

Is she on a concert tour?

Yeah, and where may we obtain tickets for the triumphant event?

Older you don't need a ticket to see calamity Jane.

She just shows up.

And when she does, everything else just falls down.

If anybody can make something totally grievous happen

to Deacon's bully, she is the dudette.

BOTH: Excellent!

COWBOYS: She's come back! Head for the hills.

Every man for himself!

Check it out, dude. That must be calamity Jane!

(RUMBLING)

BOTH: Not bad!

How's a come you boys aren't running away?

Are you calamity Jane?

What do you boys think?

Could you do that to anyone?

Yep.

Would you do it to a bully dude

who has been most heinously picking on my little brother?

I reckon so.

BOTH: Outstanding!

Right this way, Miss Jane.

Whoa. Not a lot of privacy in this fancy outhouse.

Any dang cowpuncher can see right inside!

Hang on to your hat!

ALL: Whoa!

(BILL AND TED SCREAMING)

BILL: Dude, we are being calamitized

by Jane's totally awesome talents!

(ALL COUGHING)

Thanks for trying, calamitous babe.

BILL: Ted, something is most foul with our booth.

Sorry, dude. No, I believe we have a faulty connection.

It must be left over from calamity Jane.

BOTH: Whoa!

BILL: I feel like a pair of socks

in the fluff and fold cycle of life.

REVERE: Ah, the bell of freedom.

Soon ye will be shining again

high atop independence hall,

ringing loud enough for King George himself to hear.

What the...?

Whoa, where are we?

And who is that?

I am Paul Revere and this is my silver shop.

Hey, we've heard of you.

One if by land...

Two if by sea...

BOTH: Three if by bus.

You clumsy oafs almost ruined the famous Liberty bell.

Dude, that cannot be the Liberty bell.

And why not?

Because the Liberty bell has a crack in it.

Now that is the Liberty bell.

That was handmade!

Do you know how long it took to craft?

Ten years?

A week?

I know who you are. You're British spies.

The redcoats are coming. The redcoats are coming!

The redcoats are coming!

The redcoats are here. The redcoats are here!

The redcoats are...

Ted, this dude has bats in his belfry.

I know. We are not wearing red coats.

BOTH: Let's bail.

REVERE: Come back here, ye tory hoodlums!

The red coats are coming. The red coats are coming.

The red coats are coming.

Ted, let us conceal ourselves aboard this luxurious yacht.

Awesome move, Bill. I am most sure that no one will find us here.

You colonial louts are late.

SOLDIER: These crates of tea should have been unloaded an hour ago.

Now get to work, lackeys, or I'll have ye flogged!

Bummer. We are late on our first day of work.

And I did not even know we had jobs.

Do not worry, Ted.

We shall impress our new boss with our considerable skills

(GRUNTING) Whoa!

These crates are heavier than Eddie Van Halen's latest cd.

After you, dude.

No, after you, dude.

BOTH: Thanks, dude.

BOTH: Bogus.

Somehow I do not think our new boss will be pleased.

This is unfortunate, dude, as I was going to ask him for a raise.

COLONIST: Heavens to Betsy Ross. Look at that.

Our costume party is sure to be canceled

once the redcoats see what you've done.

Yes, that tea is unsuitable for drinking, even by the British.

You boys have gotten us in big trouble.

Sorry, colonial dudes.

Suppose you will have to close your beaches.

Wait one minute, man.

These brave lads have shown us the way

to deal with our oppressors.

We've got to stand up to them!

You're right! And throwing this tea into Boston harbor

will really tick off King George!

BOTH: Tea party on, dudes.

No more taxation without representation!

Down with King George!

BOTH: Free cable TV for everyone!

REVERE: The redcoats are coming,

the redcoats are...

What? Was the costume party cancelled?

Hey! Those guys are spies!

Why, these boys are the leaders of our revolution.

Well, sure, I know that. I never said that they weren't.

(NEIGHING)

What can we do to repay you laddies?

Does anyone here know anything about phone booth repair?

I might be able to fix it.

Ah, that Ben Franklin. He thinks he knows everything.

I need some copper to make the final connection.

Does anybody have a penny?

No? Shame on you.

A penny saved is a penny earned.

I've got some abc gum. Already been chewed.

And I've got the foil wrapper.

Perfect!

To win this fight against the British we need strong leaders.

Please stay and help us with our cause.

Hey, dudes, we would love to stick around

and kick some tory butt,

however, we must return home to help

Ted's young bro Deacon with his problem.

That is right, Bill.

But before we leave,

I would like to give you revolutionaries one piece of advice.

Future Americans, I have learned something very heavy

during my brief visit to your times.

And that is this, united you stand

and divided you take a dive.

For only if you work together as trusted compatriots

can you most surely overcome

those odious British bullies.

Just watch out for some dude named Benedict Arnold.

Although he does make outstanding eggs.

(WIND HOWLING)

Ahhh!

Golly be. Look at my key, it's glowing.

Now what could have caused that, do you think?

DEACON: Stand up to k*ller Gibran?

Are you warped? I only come up his waist!

Trust us, Deacon-dude, it will work.

Uh, okay.

But if he kills me I'm not inviting you guys to the funeral.

Hey, Logan! Thanks for the milk.

Be my guest.

All right, Logan I'm gonna...

You're gonna what?

(STAMMERING)

Oh, I thought I'd take this trash

and toss it in its proper place. Okay.

Don't want to be a litterbug.

Ahhh!

Ted, it is a fully ironic thing. We are the

(SLURPING)

Ted, it is a fully ironic thing.

We are the dudes who were most triumphantly responsible

for the American revolution.

Yes, and no one will ever know.

Bogus.

Ted, I have a most excellent idea.

JEFFERSON: Gentlemen, this will definitely

send a message to King George.

My only regret is that the two lads

most responsible for our revolution are not present.

BILL: Wait up, you men with women's hairdos.

We have come to sign your excellent document.

ALL: Gentlemen, Bill and Ted!

ALL: Hurrah!

Hey, no fair! Hancock hogged all the space!

I'm sorry, already!

I guess I should've used a smaller pen.