01x03 - A Most Excellent Roman Holiday

[bunniefuu]

RUFUS: I had been selected for a most important journey.

I was to help fulfill the destiny of the Two Great Ones,

Bill and Ted.

Wyld Stallyns rule!

♪ Whenever time stands still and trouble moves too fast

♪ To save the future, we must learn about the past

(WHOOSHING)

BOTH: Whoa!

Excellent!

♪ Bill & Ted's

Bogus!

♪ Excellent Adventures

♪ Most outstanding every day

♪ It's outrageous, so bodacious

♪ Help is always on the way

♪ Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ It's a party, that's for sure

♪ Bill & Ted's Most Excellent Adventures ♪

BILL & TED: Most triumphant!

BILL: Ted, we are in a most lamentable jam.

This is true my friend.

Excuse me, big psychopathic dude,

but why are you guys waiting to see Vice Principal Ryan?

Uh, he's upset 'cause we dissected the biology teacher.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Whoa. I bet that's even harder than frogs.

What are you punks in for?

I do not know. All we did was sign up for spring term classes.

Study Hall.

Uh, Study Hall, Study Hall.

And there was Study Hall.

(WHISPERING)

Oh, yeah... Study Hall.

That's it?

BOTH: And Girls' P.E.!

th*gs: All right!

Study Hall and Girls' P.E.

I can settle this in one word... Buzzcuts!

Now, now, Detective Logan. Hair styles have nothing to do with this.

I'm serious. I told Ted, one more stunt

and he'd be on the first bus to Green Military Academy in Alaska.

I'm sure there is a logical way to approach this problem.

With teenagers, logic doesn't make sense.

They only respond to threats and economic privation.

Who taught you child psychology? Attila the Hun?

For that crack you can just drop and give me 20, Mister. Now.

One, two, three, four...

RYAN: I hardly think push-ups are the answer.

Oh, is that what you think?

Then you can just drop and give me 50!

Hup! Hup! Hup!

(SIGHS) Why not just change their schedules?

That could work.

Six, seven

15, 16...

Chemistry! English Lit! Most non-triumphant.

Calculus! Physics! Immensely objectionable!

BOTH: Latin!

That's right, boys.

And if you don't get passing grades your guitars will be confiscated.

Drag!

Not only that, Theodore, but one of you will find himself attending

boot camp in the land of the midnight sun.

Bogus maximus!

I do not know. Dead people?

Dweebs!

Here's tomorrow's assignment. Conjugate the verb petuniate,

translate the Gettysburg Address into Latin,

and write a theme paper on the fall of the Roman Empire.

ALL: Done.

Oh, students! You are so deep!

ALL: Thank you!

Whoa. These dweebs read Latin faster than we read English.

Well, Messers Preston and Logan... Intrarom.

BOTH: What?

ALL: That means come in.

You boys are just in time.

Class, this special bonus assignment will be worth one fourth of your grade.

And it's really hard.

(ALL CHEERING)

A rare, ancient Roman coin was minted for just one day

during the reign of Julius Caesar.

Your assignment, decipher the Latin inscription around the coin's edge.

ALL: Ooh!

Excuse me, dweebs. But might any of you have change for a dollar?

We don't even have one of those coins.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Ted, you bonehead.

Your request has made us the recipients of dweeb mockery.

Ah!

Who would have known we could chug an extra large Super Freeze in 19 seconds?

Extreme brain freeze!

This pain is second only to the skull-pounder I develop

when contemplating our Latin assignment.

Plus, dweebs laughed at us.

And we still don't have one of those coins.

Ted, in the past when faced with a similar scholastic predicament,

what have we done?

Flunk?

Besides that.

We can go back in time to when the coin was made!

Excellent!

Let's see... Latin, Latin, Latin...

La numeral del telephono!

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

BILL: Ted, we're history!

(BILL & TED SCREAMING)

Oh, great sun in the sky,

this is the Inca high priest.

We need rain. It's so dry the corn has withered up.

It falls right through the barbecue grill.

The people have rain danced until they have blisters the size of llama lips.

Couldn't you maybe do something?

(LOUD CRACKLING)

(COUGHING)

We've been answered. Don't stop! Keep dancing!

We come in peace.

Hey, dude. We got here just in time for the party.

Yeah, we should have brought our video camera.

This would have made a most triumphant music video!

We have been delivered!

Dude, somebody must have lost a contact lens.

Ted, do you not get it? They think we are ancient astronauts!

Whoa, you mean like John Glenn?

No, Ted. They think we are icons to be worshipped!

Excellent!

Most excellent important comrades,

the Great Ones have certainly placed themselves in a heinous predicament.

Most heinous.

The time has come to summon Rufus.

I asked for a haircut. That's one hair!

Rufus!

Whoa!

Hi, guys. What's shaking?

Our most excellent predecessors are in the point in their lives

known as the Most Egregious Latin Class Assignment.

No problem. They go to Rome and decipher the coin, right?

Incorrect. They have been mistaken as messengers from the Sun god

and are in danger of being sacrificed by ancient Incans.

Ooh. That's heavy.

And need we remind you that our whole existence is based upon their excellent music.

And if they fail to survive, there will be no music.

Or us.

IMPORTANT GAL: Or you!

Good point, Your Importantnesses.

I'll take care of it right after my haircut.

Now, Rufus!

I'm goin' already! Rome wasn't built in a day.

Mmm. Ted, this feast is most savory.

Yeah, these Romans make a way delectable taco.

Almost as good as your Aunt Dodi's.

Yeah. But not as hot.

Oh, waiter.

Yes, your Almightinesses? Ready for dessert?

Please tell Caesar the chow was most edible.

And could you break this and bring us one of those special coins?

BILL: And keep the change, my rotund dude!

The luncheon feast has ended.

It is time for you to water our crops.

We would be most honored to turn on your sprinkler system.

You have been sent to bring us rain.

Look, if you want it to rain, just wash your car.

Always works for my dad.

Enough!

If you cannot make it rain, you've made fools of us Incans

and you must pay the price!

Incans? Ted, we are in Latin America.

Way to dial the right time and place, dude.

Oh, no. You mean this is not Ancient Rome?

Give me back my dollar!

They are impostors, seize them!

BOTH: Whoa!

Oof!

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Let's booth!

Bill, I do not think this dude is on our side.

Could we not just do a couple hours of detention instead?

Or swats?

Enough. Before we proceed with the boiling oil,

do you have any last requests?

Yeah. I would like my dollar back!

I have a request, your overfed repulsiveness.

May we make one, final telephone call?

Okay. But no long distance.

Check out Caesar this time.

Here it is!

We came, we saw, and we almost got conquered.

Greetings, Inca amigos.

I am a compadre of the two young visitors to your land.

Then we will offer you to the Sun god!

Get the boiling oil started!

We've got a new sacrifice!

(POPPING)

Uh, anyone for a movie?

BILL: Ted, my most excellent friend, this time we are Ancient Rome, 44 BC..

Dude, what is 44 BC?

Caesar's apartment number, dude.

Of course!

(CRACKLING)

TED: Nice landing. Not!

(BILL COUGHING)

(DISTANT CHEERING)

Well, at least we're in Rome.

Now we can ace our homework.

Outstanding.

How?

By getting the coin.

Of course.

How?

Easy Ted... Bail!

(ROARING)

It appears as if we must intervene once more.

Uh, listen, you boys don't want to boil me in oil.

I'm much better fricasseed!

Hey! I was just showing some Inca dudes how to make popcorn...

Riiight.

Really! See, a little withered corn, a little warm oil...

(POPPING)

Voila! Popcorn!

Bill & Ted have arrived in Ancient Rome.

Say no more, I'm on my way.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(BOOING)

Duck, dude!

They love us, Bill!

They are throwing money at us.

I do not think this is love, Ted.

Bummer!

Yeah. These gladiator dudes are way wrong.

No, Bill. I mean, none of these coins is the right one!

Yeah. Let's blow this popsicle stand.

Good idea.

Look, the space shuttle!

Huh?

Ted, I am totally downcast.

We are still no closer to getting that coin and passing Latin.

Yes, Bill, but we are alive!

This is true.

I've got it, Ted!

Whoa! Don't give it to me, dude!

Not a disease, dude. A way to get the coin!

Outstanding! How?

We'll get a job and earn it!

A job? Bogus.

Oh, so much to do. I'll never be ready for this party in time.

Mmm. Nummies. Delicious. If I do say so myself.

Now, if I could only find some help.

TED: Look no further, matronly sausage queen.

Who are you?

I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire.

And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan.

Together we are...

Wyld Stallyns!

Wonderful. I don't need wild stallions, I need kitchen help.

That's us!

Well, you can't go anywhere dressed like that. Here, put these on!

Ted, she wants us to dress up like Ancient Roman babes!

Drag!

KISHKA: Hurry up. We've got a pre-game celebration at Caesar's palace.

A tailgate party! Excellent.

Can we be paid in advance?

No.

Bogus.

(FANFARE)

Today is our chance, Brutus.

We pour a little hemlock into Caesar's grape juice and pfft!

Pfft?

Oh! Gesundheit.

No, we do in Caesar.

Kishka the Caterer gets the blame and we get Rome!

CAESAR: Bring on the eats I'm starved!

BOTH: It's coming, Caesar!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

CAESAR: Let's get this show on the road!

We've got to get to the coliseum before the opening kickoff!

I want my food, now!

Oh, that's a nice boychick. Eat. Eat.

Come on, boys. We've got hungry guests. What do I pay you for?

So far we have not seen dime one.

Perhaps if we serve Caesar,

he will tip us with the very coin we seek.

KISHKA: What are you waiting for, the Renaissance?

Oops.

Ted, I think this is worse than oops.

TED: Whoa! Way oops!

My new robe!

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(ALL GASP)

Have no fear, most exalted Roman potentate.

I have taken care of food stains worse than this.

Have you ever seen what hoagie grease does to a cotton t-shirt?

You've blown our tip, dude.

Hey, perfect. It is most definitely you.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Something amusing, Brutus?

Everybody will wear these new robes. Now!

(CLOTH TEARING)

Dude, we have invented the toga party!

ALL: (CHANTING) Toga! Toga! Toga!

Bring me my grape juice.

Food taster!

Uh, he didn't make it through lunch, Caesar.

Must have been the pastrami! (CHUCKLES)

You! You will be my new official food taster!

Oh. uh, thanks for the honor, Caesar.

But I get indigestion real easy.

Rufus!

Glad you could join the party, Rufus!

(SIZZLING)

They did it, sire!

CAESAR: Centurion, arrest them!

BOTH: Thanks, Rufus!

You go ahead to the game, sire.

We'll take care of it from here.

Once around the block. And step on it!

I think we ditched them, dude.

BOTH: Whoa!

I know how to take care of them.

Whoa, Ted. They're cheating!

Worry not, Bill. I saw that movie too.

BILL & TED: Whoa!

Good riddance! Now let's go to the game.

Oh, yes, I hate missing the opening kickoff!

Compadre, let's duck into this handy tunnel.

Bill, it is so dark in here, I cannot see where we are going.

No way!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(FANFARE)

Bill, do you hear that? We're a hit!

Ted, I do not think that cheering is for us.

(ROARING)

Whoa!

Behold, Caesar, the peasants in the arena are the assassins

who tried to do you in!

You're right, Cassius.

Go, lions, go!

I always root for the favorite.

(ROARING)

Look, lion dude, the space shuttle!

(GROWLS)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Unnecessary roughness. Ten yard penalty.

Rufus!

Gentlemen, bail already!

Whoa! Relax! We'll take a look at the instant replay!

Ted, we have got to do something to save Rufus.

How?

BILL: Perhaps we might rain out the game.

TED: I must repeat. How?

The Inca rain dance, Ted!

Yeah!

How'd it go?

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

The games are called off on account of rain.

Excellent!

CAESAR: Assassins!

Your fate is still to be determined.

Grape fizzies! Can I have one, Caesar dude?

I am most grievously parched after our encounter with that egregious lion!

(SIZZLING)

Ack!

Centurion! Arrest this man.

You, too, Brutus?

BOTH: Yeah!

I, Caesar, proclaim this Bill & Ted Day!

And in honor of this day, I have minted a one-time only,

collector's item commemorative coin!

Excellentious maximus!

BILL & TED: Whoa!

(BOTH YELLING)

And the correct translation is what, class?

ALL: "Let the festivities be prolonged ad infinitum!"

(RUMBLING)

(CRACKLING)

BOTH: Or, "Party on, dudes!"

Bill. Ted, you're t*rd. Class is over.

No way!

Yes way! Although your Roman garb is very authentic looking.

But we have found the coin in question.

And decoded its meaning, as well.

Oh, but the rest of the class has already translated the phrase.

(ALL LAUGHING)

But, my teacher, we have also deciphered the flip side.

Uh, flip side? There's a flip side?

Esti optimum utique .

Translation, be excellent to each other!