02x05 - How to Succeed in Washington Without Really Trying

[bunniefuu]

all right let me tell you about my

family

let's take a look and see what you have

rollercoaster ride

it's like palatable lovable cuddly

huggable

it's life with me

studies have shown that the top three

things that demons are afraid of our

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fear of deep water

and the fear of public speaking now

tomorrow your assignment will be to give

a speech in class the best one will then

compete in the state finals if you win

you'll earn a trip for the class to

Washington DC my only hope was with 25

kids in class that wouldn't get called

on we'll be going in alphabetical order

tomorrow starting with hey actually in

the old country we spell Anderson with a

silent Z mister Lambert's outrageous

assignment was the talk of the entire

hallway he's the one getting paid to

speak in class not us right like

speaking is something we'll ever use in

our lives I'm gonna give a speech on my

trip to the petting zoo great idea now

I'm gonna give a speech on how boring

your speech was I could give a speech

about my grandma's foot operation see

Louie picking a topic isn't so hard

sure you guys took all the good ones

oddly enough the only person not worried

about giving a speech was the most

illiterate guy in school

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know what time it is 24-hour do you fail

oh yeah and I'm sure your speech how to

lose friends and terrorize people is

gonna be a big hit you're gonna fail -

wrong again you do need to I've got

every speech in the world

what kind of speeches you got there the

kind of cost you 5 bucks apiece

interesting that's cheating

beats Bailey mom can't you sign my note

to whom it may concern' Louie has

nothing nice to say so we've asked him

to say nothing at all that's what you're

always telling me Oh Louie there's

nothing to be afraid of public speaking

builds character what's public

humiliation do same thing what's the

matter there a speech boy mom won't sign

my note

she says public speaking is good for me

well it certainly helped your brother

sit out when he had to appear before

that judge led to a lighter sentence but

I don't know what to speak about give me

there you're not gonna sign it no even

better

I'm gonna give you a terrific my hero

who's that supposed to be that's a topic

for an award-winning speech right there

thanks for nothing

anytime kid you want nothing from you me

I didn't get any sleep that night all I

could think of was wall nothing

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so Lily did you figure out what you're

going to speak about or what I can't

tell you it's a secret I bet it's gonna

be great hmm bet you 5 bucks you're

wrong hey 1 go ahead like on 5 bucks

tsumugi watch Tobias Beecher corner

price just went up speeches are six pots

now but I only own 5 give me your shoe

what one of your shoes really fluffy and

that's why I like puppies

very good miss Ackerman next up we have

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the rise of democracy

even though america is the land of the

free home of the brave it wasn't always

that way

the liberties we now take for granted

were paid for with the blood and guts of

Americans who came before us those men

and women believe it is far better to

die for liberty than to survive without

it for a coward dies a thousand times

but once an oblique huh

anyway picks up toward the end here and

now it's up to you

beyond the levy must become the new

defenders of Liberty it is you must

pretend to the flame that we call

freedom a flame that was lighted almost

200 years ago by the first believe it or

not I won first place the prize a trip

to Washington DC for my entire class to

watch me compete for the Nationals each

title

that's 40 minutes trip out of this dump

don't say I never gave you anything but

even getting my shoe back didn't make me

feel any better I knew I had to come

clean after all it's bad enough to

deceive your school but to deceive an

entire nation excuse me excuse me

principal Horan yes mr. beautiful I need

to talk to you about my speech see those

words I said worth what no I mean the

words were all inspiring looing let me

show you something

what do you see a swamp right but with

the prize money you win in Washington

here's what I want to be the

superintendent Halloran memorial pool

playground but a failure disapperance

the ball for now

but after you win in Washington I expect

I'll be promoted after all I anyway

about this whole Washington DC trap I

don't think I can go see my parents

don't even like when I cross the street

without them that's the best part

I've already asked one of your parents

to chaperone the trip you watch which

one

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go home wait darling DC my phony Dwight

the eyes in my heart said look I'm up

next time I'm in it together you're

friends with the president you kiddin we

were w*r buddies two people can't get

closer nak at least not without the

benefit of clergy

there's no convention that's me and the

anchors I had to come where are you dad

what do you mean where am I

that's my sleeve behind the guy behind

the guy standing next to Mike's

briefcase oh yeah of course I recognized

your wrist I always like that in fact I

know you came up with a slogan I like

Ike right absolutely current debate

heroes welcome in the banner is in the

marching band

I can almost forget that this whole trip

was built on a lie hey that's my dessert

fine be that way you have your dessert

and all just have a little chat with

everyone on the bus and tell them how

you hated cookie don't mind if I do

Regional speech winners get master

suites like this Louie can I be your

roommate Louie wants me to room with

them too

where am I supposed to sleep there's a

tub you got a problem with that you

don't want me to tell you you tubs fine

with me we had a full day of sightseeing

before the take speech competition of

course there was only one sight dad

really wanted this why now I'm the Cutie

and I say P get on the B us if you want

to LCE the VIP people let's go kids on

the bus who says we should man women in

the military Louie

over here we saved you a seat fine sit

with your new friend see if we care he's

not my friend

yeah and why are you spending so much

time with him because when one's not

such a bad guy he's got many fine

personality traits

he's quite woody good-looking and he's

really really our first stop was the

White House dad was sure we were going

to be invited to lunch with the first

family we we had to take the tour like

everyone else in here you will find a

display of gifts given to the president

by various world leaders and that

concludes the tour thank you for

visiting our nation's capitol exit to

your right and please watch your step

hey wait just a second lady where's the

big guy the anchor

you mean the president unfortunately the

President himself is not a part of the

tour hi I'm onto your game

everyone wants a tip gotta grease the

wheels the president is speaking at the

FBI this morning see there Louie just

like I told you you don't get that kind

of inside info unless you're free with

the cash right or unless you read the

paper

my president's itinerary Tuesday morning

FBI building Hey give me my dollar back

we have the largest file of fingerprints

in the world over 1 billion separate

fingerprints each print taken from a

single criminal finger now to show you

how we fingerprint our lowlifes I'll

need a volunteer

yo I see your life will have your

fingerprints on file so if you ever

commit a crime well

just mind lock and that's the tour exit

a left don't dawdle on your way out

remember well watching you

hey where's Ike he's supposed to be here

right now who told you that could you

speak into this please the newspaper

said he'd be here

typical newspaper lies and propaganda

thank you for coming mr. Anderson exit

to the left

hey how'd you know my name we're the FBI

well you know everything oh by the way

the air filter on your Rambler needs to

be changed

he's backing me is what he's doing oh

yeah dad I'm sure the president has

nothing better to do than avoid you so

here's avoiding me come on dad I got

problems of my own

top of the world what kind of problems

do you have well I don't know how to

tell you why Amy I bet his wife knows

where he is big deal it's just a

nickname like any other horse Honest Abe

does sound a lot better than loogie

when he was a teenager working at his

father's store he once walked six miles

through the snow just to return a few

pennies to a woman who overpaid yeah

some of the most honest looking people

are just playing the wires on the inside

hypothetically of course and some people

who think they are liars just need to

look in their own hearts to realize

they're not in theory a special lunch

for my special speaker I put a couple of

treats in there for your voice

hey Louie give me that no way that's my

lunch

don't do it Louie hero dies but once hey

that sounds familiar who said that you

didn't write it though three seconds

then I'm telling I had to face the truth

no one was ever gonna call me honest

Louie I was nothing but a liar a hungry

liar hey Louie how bad after lunch you

give me a ride over to the speech

contest but round Drive who said

anything about driving whoa Chad kidneys

living this lie was becoming unbearable

it was time to consult a higher power

are you crazy that calls gonna cost you

a fortune

no it's not I'm reversing the charges

hello mom there's something I need to

tell you Oh Louie I am so proud of you

down there in Washington you may not

realize this but you're also a role

model for your brother Tommy and two

other you we're baking your cake mom I'm

gonna tell you okay

one day the phone coming is gonna own

every one of us it's not cookie cookie

Anderson well now there's an old white D

mom dads talking to the President of the

United States hey how's that w*r wound

of yours ha ha

Anderson air was the best cook we ever

had till he got his Purple Heart by

burning his keister on a ladle that

wasn't just any ladle that was stainless

scale sorry about the mix-up sir no

problemo

could happen to anyone you all right dad

sure once they realize that wasn't some

nutcase hey let me go let that be a

lesson to you

nice teletraan but dad you told the

truth and you still got beaten up that's

lesson number two when you're around a

world leader always keep your pants on

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that's why I feel corporal punishment

the answer is just about everything

thank you my American and good night I

was speaking that and I still don't know

what I was gonna do next up from Cedar

Knoll

Wisconsin we have

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[Applause]

ladies and gentlemen honorable judges

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sorry I can't deliver this speed it's

all because of something my dad told me

this afternoon

my dad said always tell the truth

and the truth is I paid for that speech

and then I lie and I pass it off as my

own I'm not gonna tell you who I bought

it from all I can do is tell you I'm

sorry

and ask your permission to deliver a

speech of my own

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my hero my Louie Anderson couple blocks

away from here there's a memorial to Abe

Lincoln one of the country's heroes

while I was looking at it I realized who

my heroes are they don't have any

memorials

not yet but there's still my heroes

there my friend who stayed my friends

even when they knew I was doing the

wrong thing my mom who supports me no

matter what and of course my dad who

supports me well most of times sometimes

if you don't do a good job the law heals

well from there on out it didn't matter

what I said what mattered was that they

were all my words of course my words

weren't good enough to win the first

prize for second prize or even third

prize but it wasn't important correction

it wasn't important to me I'm proud of

you son I knew you'd be there anything

you know about the speech all along

Carson again we may not look like the

smartest guy on earth but that's all

well how'd you know I was gonna do the

right thing when I didn't even know

until two seconds before I did it just

like you had faith that I was friends

with mine even when no one else believed

me right in you Lily son

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this seat taken hey congratulations

congratulations for one I didn't win it

is the Washington Monument

what's that all about good bye Lincoln

over there I wonder what they're gonna

build that looks like a place for a nice

in my shoes I want the chapel to Tripoli