01x05 - Foamy the Freakadog / Office Visit / Ode to Leonard Nimoy / Emergency Broadcast System / Cönversational Nörwegia

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR:
Freakazoid. In stereo, where available.

And where not available,
it's not in stereo.

There is nothing we can do about that...

... so don't blame us,
we have no control over it.

Call your cable company if there's
some problem or the local broadcaster.

But if they're not giving you stereo
and you want stereo...

... that's your problem, not ours.

Don't bug us.
Complain to your congressman.

Or Newt Gingrich.
Like I'm sure he'd care. Ha!

But we don't wanna get any letters,
understand?

Good.

NARRATOR:
It's time for another stroll...

... through the Hall of Temporary
Freakazoid Sidekicks in:

[NARRATOR READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]

Today's episode, "Foamy the Freakadog."

Ah, Foamy the Freakadog.
Now there was a sidekick.

I'll never forget the day
this noble hound and I first joined forces.

Ah...

Ha!

Pull over!

Pull over now before it's too late!

[SCREAMS]

[BREAKS SQUEALING]

[BOTH SCREAM]

WOMAN:
Are they okay?

[DOGS BARKING]

[DOG WHIMPERS]

[DOG BARKS]

[MO ANS]

[GASPS]

What's wrong? What did I do?

Your left tail light's out.
Lucky I caught it in time.

[DOGS BARKING]

- That your car?
- Mm-hm.

Much as it pains me,
I'm gonna have to give you a ticket.

Oh, no. Please.

Not Jerry Springer.

Okay, then.
We'll forget the whole thing.

Thank you.

Hey.

Look at the cute little doggy thing.
Look at your little chunky face.

You have little sweetmeats in you,
don't you?

Little sweetmeats inside you.
If I hug you, they gonna come out.

Little sweet, sweet, sweets.

Make it sweet face.
Give me smoochy smooch.

[FO AMY BITING AND GROWLING]

[GROWLING]

I think he likes me.

I decided to adopt the dog and trained him
as my loyal sidepooch.

Look at you, squeezy face.

Now you're worthy of the title
"Freakadog."

Shake hands, Foamy.

[GRUNTING]

FREAKAZOID:
Working as a team...

... we quickly became
the scourge of the underworld.

[GRUNTING]

The t*rrorists are making their move.
Let's get them, Foamy.

[GROWLS]

Aah!

Oh, you wanna go for a walk?

[GRUNTING]

So, Carl,
you feel like getting a little dinner?

Yeah, sure. What would you like,
uh, Chinese or deli?

Chinese, I think, for me.

How about Hop Sing's
over on the boulevard?

Yeah, that's good.

FREAKAZOID:
Foamy was with me battle after battle.

[GRUNTS]

[HISSING]

FREAKAZOID:
Aha!

[GRUNTS]

Ha!

[FREAKAZOID GRUNTING]

Hi, Foamy, squeezy, squeezy face.
Look at your little face.

This snake's really doing a number on me.

Help. Help. Help.

[GROWLING]

[FREAKAZOID GRUNTING]

Aah!

FREAKAZOID:
I knew I could count on Foamy...

... even when things
seemed to be at their worst.

[BEEPING]

[GRUNTING]

I'm in trouble, old pal.

Look at your little face.
I wanna squeeze you.

Quick, run and find Cosgrove.
He's out by the old desert highway.

Do you understand,
you little chunky meats, you?

Find Sergeant Cosgrove.

[BARKING]

[PANTS]

[HISSING]

[GRUNTS]

[YELPS]

[SIGHS]

[GULPS]

[GROWLS]

[BARKS]

[GRUNTS]

[GROWLS]

Ha, I sneer at danger.
Brave Foamy won't let me down.

[PANTS]

[WHIMPERS]

[SNIFFS]

[SIGHS]

NARRATOR: The following scene
has been deleted by the network censors...

... because it shows
a pup making dog water.

[SIGHS]

[FREAKAZOID SCREAMS]

[GROWLS]

It was about this time
I began to realize...

...Foamy wasn't really cutout
for the rigors of sidekickdom.

And so with a heavy heart,
I brought our partnership to an end.

Too bad it had to be mine.

[GROWLS]

[PIPE PLAYS NOTE]

[SINGING] He feels no pain
He can fly quite fast

In feats of strength
He is unsurpassed

His grip is firm
Never quavery

Britannia's superhero
He's Lord Bravery

Lord Bravery, Lord Bravery

Lord Bravery

LORD BRAVERY:
Oh, let's just get on with it.

LORD BRAVERY:
Hold, please.

[LORD BRAVERY GRUNTS]

[WOMAN SNICKERS]

[LAUGHING]

[DINGS]

If any of you ever need rescuing,
call someone else.

I hate them all.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

LORD BRAVERY:
Oh, just stop that.

Yes, well, I'm afraid it's as we explained
in the letter, Mr. Scunthorpe.

You can't have the name Lord Bravery...

...because it's already being used
by another business.

Specifically, Lord Bravery's Bake Shoppe.

Oh, but this is ridiculous.

Now, don't you worry.
If I know children...

...they'll like you just the same
no matter what you call yourself.

- Children?
- Yes.

You're a party clown, aren't you?

A party clown? A party clown?

No, I'm not a party clown.
I'm a superhero.

Oh. Well, I just assumed
from your little hat...

No, it's not a hat.
It's a helmet symbolizing... Uh.

Oh, look, why can't we both
use the name Lord Bravery?

I'm afraid that would be too confusing.

Too confus...

They're a bakeshop,
you stupid, stupid man.

I'm a superhero.

Well, you never know.

Someone could stop you on street
demanding a muffin or a scone.

Someone else might run
into the bakeshop wanting to be saved...

...from a carnivorous,
man-eating vegetable creature.

You see my point?

I can hurt you, you know.
I'm really quite strong.

As it just so happens...

...I have a database of pre-approved
names of companies...

...that aren't around anymore.

Let's have a little look-see, shall we?

Ah, here's one:
"Smoked Meats and Fishes."

Excuse me?

Smoked Meats and Fishes.
What do you think?

Are you actually suggesting
that my new battle cry should be:

"Fear not,
Smoked Meats and Fishes has arrived"?

You could put "lord" in front of it.

What kind of superhero would call himself
Lord Smoked Meats and Fishes?

Ah, one who wants to use
the element of surprise.

Oh, you're a loon, aren't you?

Where have you escaped from?
I'll take you back.

All right, all right.

Let's not get excited. Let's see.

Ooh, here's a good one:
"Southside Medical Plaza."

No.

- Being a bit picky, aren't you?
- It's a medical plaza.

- "Bumbles Rubber Toy Zoo"?
- No, absolutely not.

- "Mr. Tiny's m*dget Pony Ride"?
- Oh, stop.

- "Taste of Tempura"?
- No.

- "DreamWorks"?
- Dre...

DreamWorks? Hmm.

Oops, sorry. It just got taken.

Oops, and again.
There'll be a lawsuit there. Ha, ha.

Now, listen to me, my little cretinous friend.
How can I keep my old name?

Ahh, well, you have to get the bakeshop
to change theirs.

Fine.

SNARZETTl:
How about this one, then?

Plastics Advisory Board.

WOMAN:
Change our name?

Well, don't think I haven't thought about it.

What kind of name is Lord Bravery,
anyway?

It's stupid, dumb, idiotic.

My real name's Helen.
I wanted to call it Helen's Bake Shoppe.

Yes, yes. Well, why don't you?

Oh, no, I can't.
On account of Helen's Butcher Shoppe.

Oh, well, what if we could get
Helen's Butcher Shoppe to change its name?

Then you could change yours
to Helen's Bake Shoppe.

I'm with you, sweetie.

No, there is no Helen.
I'm the owner, Rudy.

I wanted to call it
Rudy's Butcher Shoppe...

...but there's already
a Rudy's Hardware and Twine.

Of course I'll change my name.

I never wanted to be called
Rudy's Hardware and Twine...

...in the first place.

I'm Hank.

There it is, then. It's all settled.

Oh, goody.

Provided, of course...

...you can get Hank's Tires
to change their name.

[CROWD MURMURING]

Everyone, please, just be quiet.

- Look, what don't you understand?
- Any of it.

Listen, it's really quite simple.

I take Lord Bravery.
She becomes Helen's Bake Shoppe.

Helen's Butcher Shoppe
becomes Rudy's Butcher Shoppe...

...because Rudy's Hardware and Twine
changes to Hank's Hardware and Twine.

And Hank's Tires becomes Terry's Tires
if Terry's Intimate Apparel...

...changes to Wendy's Intimate Apparel,
requiring Wendy's to change to Johnny's...

...Johnny's to Ellen's, Ellen's to Frank's...

...Frank's becomes Enrique's
and Enrique's becomes Bill's.

Which means all you have to do
is change your name...

...from Bill's World of Paint
to something else.

But I don't want to.

Why?

Because my name's Bill.

[CROWD MO ANS]

[MO ANS]

[CROWD MUTTERING]

No, no, wait. We'll make him change it.

We outnumber him. Come back!

WOMAN:
Help! Help!

What seems to be the problem?

My boy, he's stuck in the tree.

Help!

Fear not, my good woman.
Lord Smoked Meats and Fishes has arrived.

- Hang on, where do you think you're going?
- To save your son.

Not with a name like that.

- Get away.
- No, it's all right.

Help, police. Get away from my boy.

No, look. It's all right.

My real name is Lord Bravery.

Who's Lord Bravery?

Well, I am.

Could I have a muffin or a scone?

All right, I'll get you. Come back here.

NARRATOR: And now Fan Boy presents
"An Ode to Leonard Nimoy."

Leonard Nimoy, Leonard Nimoy

Dear Mr. Spock, oh, golly, gee, boy

It sure would make me smile and laugh
If I could have your autograph

If I don't get it, I'll be blue
But then I know what I will do

I'll call you up on the telephone
And bother you when you're at home

No.

You hang up
The line goes dead

But then a new idea pops in my head

I'll visit you right where you live

I'll ring on the doorbell
And ask if you'll give

That autograph I've been waiting for
You give it to me, and so much more

Oh, thank you, thank you, Mr. Spock

Now please call Bones
I need a doc

This station is conducting a test
of the emergency broadcasting system.

This is only a test.

[INHALES]

[MIMICS EMERGENC Y TONE]

[SPUTTERING]

[GASPING]

This concludes our test
of the emergency broadcasting system.

This was only a test.

If there had been an actual emergency,
we would have gone like this:

Ahh! Help! Help us!

No! Get us out of here!

Help me! Help everyone!

[SCREAMS]

Thank you.

NARRATOR: And now,
Conversational Norwegian with Freakazoid.

[IN NORWEGIAN]

This is the narwhal.

[READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[IN NORWEGIAN]

Where is the narwhal?

[IN NORWEGIAN]

Happy little narwhal.

NARRATOR [GURGLING]: This has been
Conversational Norwegian with Freakazoid.

Just keep telling yourself,
"It's only a TV show."